Getting Your Child to Be Part of Family Life & Motivated In School?

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: Getting Your Child to Be Part of Family Life & Motivated In School? Host: Kirk Martin Release Date: July 31, 2022

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Introduction

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, hosted by Kirk Martin, the focus is on addressing the challenges parents face when dealing with strong-willed children who resist following directions, lack motivation in school, and create power struggles within the family. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children and practical strategies, Kirk provides insightful advice to help parents foster a harmonious family environment and motivate their children effectively.

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Common Parenting Challenges

Kirk opens the discussion by empathizing with parents who struggle with children that procrastinate, lack motivation, and resist following directions. He acknowledges the emotional toll these behaviors can take on family dynamics.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "So you have a child who procrastinates, who isn't motivated, maybe doesn't follow directions you shut down, won't talk to you. How do we get this child to do schoolwork, to listen, maybe just to be a pleasant part of family life."

He highlights that such strong-willed children often consume a disproportionate amount of parental energy, leading to drained family life.

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Understanding the Child's Perspective

Kirk emphasizes the importance of perceiving situations from the child's perspective. He explains how parents' well-intentioned remarks can be misinterpreted by children, especially those who are strong-willed.

Kirk Martin [01:34]: "Sometimes we say things innocently and even good and helpful things, but your child hears it in a different way."

This miscommunication often leads to children feeling misunderstood and unaccepted, prompting them to shut down emotionally.

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Communication Strategies and Scripts

To bridge the communication gap, Kirk offers practical scripts that parents can use to connect with their children more effectively. He suggests acknowledging the child's unique traits and expressing genuine understanding and appreciation.

Kirk Martin [17:07]: "Here's a script that I gave them to use with their son... 'I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals, little kids, and they respond to you. I see you're creative, you're intuitive...'"

By validating their children's strengths and differences, parents can foster a more supportive and accepting environment, encouraging children to open up and engage more positively within the family.

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Parental Self-Reflection and Family of Origin

Kirk delves into the significance of parental self-awareness and how one's upbringing influences current parenting styles. He discusses the concept of "family of origin" and how unresolved issues from one's past can inadvertently affect parenting.

Kirk Martin [11:03]: "So why do we as parents arrogantly assume that our way is better? And why pigeonhole a child who's still developing just because he makes you uncomfortable?"

He urges parents to reflect on their behaviors and recognize how their past experiences shape their expectations and interactions with their children. This self-reflection is crucial in breaking harmful generational patterns and fostering healthier parent-child relationships.

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Normalizing and Providing Tools for the Child

Instead of shaming children for their struggles with motivation or procrastination, Kirk advocates for normalizing these challenges and equipping children with practical tools to overcome them.

Kirk Martin [18:27]: "Instead of shaming, we're going to give some tools."

He suggests practical strategies such as:

• Listening to Music: To create a conducive environment for focus.
• Changing Physical Setting: Encouraging work in different locations like the kitchen counter or outdoors.
• Incorporating Movement: Leveraging the benefits of exercise to boost brain function and motivation.

By offering these tools, parents can help children manage their tasks more effectively without feeling judged or inadequate.

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Building Acceptance and Affirmation

Kirk stresses the importance of deep acceptance and unconditional love in parenting. He discourages parents from trying to change their children to fit their own expectations and instead encourages them to celebrate and affirm their children's unique qualities.

Kirk Martin [17:07]: "I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals, little kids, and they respond to you. I see you're creative, you're intuitive..."

Affirming children’s intrinsic strengths and offering genuine praise can significantly enhance their self-esteem and internal motivation, leading to more harmonious family interactions.

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Conclusion and Resources

In wrapping up the episode, Kirk reiterates the necessity of accepting children as they are and providing them with the necessary tools to thrive both in family life and academic settings. He encourages parents to invest in the Calm Parenting programs and reach out for personalized support through phone consultations or email.

Kirk Martin [18:19]: "You must accept your child the way he or she is. Only then will your child feel secure to open up and to listen to your ideas."

Kirk also invites listeners to engage with upcoming content, including podcasts on overcoming anxiety for both parents and children, further emphasizing the podcast’s commitment to comprehensive parenting support.

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Key Takeaways

1. Empathy and Understanding: Parents should strive to understand their children's perspectives and acknowledge their unique traits.
2. Effective Communication: Use affirming language and practical scripts to enhance parent-child communication.
3. Self-Reflection: Parents must examine their own upbringing and behaviors to break negative generational patterns.
4. Provide Tools, Not Shame: Equip children with strategies to manage their tasks instead of shaming them for their struggles.
5. Unconditional Acceptance: Celebrate and affirm children's strengths to boost their self-esteem and motivation.
6. Seek Support: Utilize available resources, such as Calm Parenting programs and consultations, for tailored guidance.

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Notable Quotes

• Kirk Martin [01:27]: "How do we get this child to do schoolwork, to listen, maybe just to be a pleasant part of family life."
• Kirk Martin [07:30]: "Why are you so rigid in your beliefs? Why do you need everybody else to do things your way?"
• Kirk Martin [18:27]: "Instead of shaming, we're going to give some tools."
• Kirk Martin [17:07]: "I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals, little kids, and they respond to you."

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Further Engagement

For parents seeking more personalized advice or wanting to delve deeper into parenting strategies, Kirk Martin encourages reaching out via email at [e-mail] or visiting the Celebrate Calm website. Parents can also explore the Calm Parenting Package and the No BS Program for comprehensive tools and support.

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By following the strategies discussed in this episode, parents can transform power struggles and defiance into cooperative and motivated behavior, fostering a more peaceful and productive family environment.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

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[Kirk Martin]

So you have a child who procrastinates, who isn't motivated, maybe doesn't follow directions you shut down, won't talk to you.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

How do we get this child to do schoolwork, to listen, maybe just to be a pleasant part of family life.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because that happens with a lot of your kids. It's like that one strong willed child takes up 80% of your energy and kind of drains that family life. It's a really hard thing sometimes. And those are common questions I get all the time. And I deal with that a lot on phone consultations because we can kind of dig in a lot deeper. And I have an answer for you that I want to record while it's still visceral for me. So please cut me a little slack if this isn't polished. But I want you to hear from the heart of your child. Because sometimes we say things innocently and even good and helpful things, but your child hears it in a different way. And so I want to give you some scripts, some words to use that I think will resonate deep within the heart of a strong willed child. So that's what we're going to cover on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm. This one. I talk really fast and get out of breath because I want to get through this part, but if you need any help, contact our son, Casey C A S e [e-mail] reach out to us. Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We will answer and get back to you. You know what? I say that all the time. People email and they're like, we didn't think you would really respond. I'm like, what do you think I'm lying? Of course we respond. Right? And so tell us. And Casey gets it because he's the inspiration for all of this, and he gets your kids because he was one of them. So if you need help with anything, if you want the calm parenting package or you want to get the no BS program, which I love, want to find out about those things, just email Casey or look on the website or if you want to schedule phone consults. So here's what I know is happening. School's starting soon. Why? Because I can feel anxiety oozing out of parents as they're emailing and reaching out to us. Because you're getting nervous about this next school year. Last school year for many of you was a disaster, right? I want to do my Long island disaster is a disaster. I don't want to happen again. So how's my child going to make it through the year with having all these behavior issues, going to the principal's life office? And what about all the constant power struggles over homework? And some of you? I guarantee they're going into preschool for the first time. Here's what's going to happen. They're not going to follow directions. So you're going to get calls very, very quickly about your child who can't sit still in circle time, won't follow directions. And some of your kids, the really bright ones, will bite other kids, right? Because they don't want to be at preschool. And so they know, hey, if I start using Mr. Chompers and start biting other kids, oh, I'll get kicked out very, very quickly. So later this month, I'll record some podcasts on overcoming anxiety for your kids and also for you. But here's what I want to focus on now. So I'm talking to these really good parents, right? And they're concerned about their son's performance in school and life.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because he procrastinates. He doesn't give his best effort.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

By the way, you don't either at everything. Nobody does. That is such a parental anxiety phrase. Well, my child won't do his best at everything. Well, neither do you, and neither do I. And you're not supposed to you're supposed to do your best at the things that matter most. We can get into that another time. But your child doesn't give his best effort. By the way, dads, your kids in sports are not going to practice their hardest. And even though they have potential, they're just not. So chill, right? You don't have to chill, but the other option is to just ruin your relationship with your child and you still won't get them to give their best effort, right? So it's like, why ruin the relationship if what you're doing doesn't work anyway? They don't participate in family life. This child sits in his room on screen, stays up late. So I played a hunch and I said, I'm curious. You know, I love that phrase. What do you guys do for work? Well, one of them is an attorney and one is a project manager. And I was like, oh, detail oriented people by nature probably, they knock stuff off lists and they follow through. But now they have a son who doesn't. So these good parents were wondering why their son resists and lies and grunts back at them when they simply walk into his room and ask, hey, did you get your homework done yet? Because it's 11pm It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask because these parents care about their son and want him to do well in life, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Except here's what the strong willed child probably hears. Why didn't you do it earlier? Why do you always put off things that are hard? Notice the absolutes that we use. You never do this. You, you always see that consigns your child to failure. Please don't use those words, right? Here's what else they hear. You know what? You've had all afternoon night to do this. If you can't start to manage your own time, we're gonna have to take your phone away. You know that one thing that provides you a lifeline to some sense of social inclusion, right? You know what? Your sister always got her homework done early so she could get a good night's sleep and be rested the next morning. And why delay it anyway, right? Rather than just knocking out relaxing like your dad and I do because we're very detour oriented, so we're always on top of things. Why aren't you more like us? Aren't you tired of being the black sheep in the family? That's what in that one question, have you gotten your homework done? All of your anxiety, all of these subtle resentments, all of this lack of Acceptance and understanding of this child, all of that comes out. And that's what your child hears. He doesn't hear, you know what? I love you so much and I'm so concerned and I want the best for you. It's not what he's hearing.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so it makes sense that in that situation, your child locks you out of their life because they start to guard their hearts. Because there's only so much pain you can take. There's only so much comparing to my parents and to my perfect brother or sister, to my peers, to society that I don't already feel like I fit in anyway. There's only so much I can take. So eventually I got to close that heart off. And that serves them well. Because if they don't close that off at some look that serves them well, it's not, I don't want them to. But if we keep doing these things, then what do we do with that pain?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Then you start to self medicate.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And that's why your child makes things up, because they're ashamed and they never feel like they can measure up to you. By the way, that's why your kids sometimes don't tell the truth. Because if they actually do, you can't handle the truth. Had to get that line in, right? You react, you flinch, you lecture, and your child can read your disappointment. Approval. So if I have a child who is shut down, who isn't motivated, how do we start to work on that? Number one, you must learn to accept your child on a deep level. On a deep level. Or they can sense it. If you're always trying to subtly. Right, because we try as parents, we're trying to always subtly do things. They can see right through it. They're very smart kids. If you're always trying to change or fix them, they'll internalize that there's something wrong with them and that you don't really like them as they are. It is one reason I'm hesitant at times about taking kids to therapy. Because sometimes going, well, let's go and talk, let's go and talk to a therapist about your issues. Well, now they have issues. When sometimes your kids don't really have issues, they're just different and they begin to internalize. Well, if I have to go talk to someone about this, there must be something wrong with me. When in reality, sometimes we need to be the grownups and say no, that's perfectly understandable. Of course you're anxious. You're going to a new school next year, you should be nervous That's a scary thing. Do you know how nice that is to feel? An adult in the room says, oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with you in that. You should be a little bit nervous. See that? Anyway, so parents, oftentimes, you know what else we do? We will ask. I get this question, well, why is my child like that? And my, I was going to say my jerky response, but I try not to be a jerk. But my go back at you response is, well, why are you the way you are? It's not like you chose your brain and personality, right? It's just the one you were given someone that developed, right? So why do we as parents arrogantly assume that our way is better? And why pigeonhole a child who's still developing just because he makes you uncomfortable? Just because he isn't super social? Because he wants to do something differently or everything differently?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so if you're asking questions like, you know what, I just don't understand why my child does X, I want to turn that around on you and say, I don't understand why you're so logical or you need everything to be just so or you have to need everything to be done right now.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Why are you overly responsible? Probably because when you were growing up, you had an alcoholic parent where you had to step in. That happens a lot. That served. Look, if you ever want to do the phone consultations, you want to do a little family of origin stuff with me, we'll go back and I'll teach you some things. Because if you're overly responsible because you had an alcoholic parent, you know why you did that? Because it served you well. Because you didn't have any order and structure in your life and your life was, I almost swore, was falling apart. So what do you do as a little kid? You stepped in and you took care of stuff because your parents didn't. And that served you well when you were a little kid because you had to step up and provide order and structure in your life and your home. Well, what happens? You grow up. Guess what happens? You become an overachiever, you become a nurse, you become a doctor, you become someone in the helping profession who helps other people and you take care of everybody else, but not yourself. See how that works? And then you start to impose those same standards on your kids and you consign them to have to live with this being driven inside and not just a good drive. You're compelled to do this because you had to do it when you were little kid. And here's a good little family of origin thing that you can learn. When I was a little boy, when I was a little girl, I had to do that. It served me well. It kept me safe because I wasn't safe. But now I'm a grown man. Now I'm a grown woman. And I do not need to do that. I can release that and let that go. See, the stuff is really deep inside of you. And that's why we talk about changing generational patterns so you don't keep putting this stuff on your kids so they have to go through it. All right, you do. Look, you do the therapy. Don't make your kids do it. You do it first. Some of you have done a lot of it. If you're doing way too much of it, it's not working. Try someone else.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because it shouldn't take, like, anyway. So why are you so rigid in your beliefs? Why do you need everybody else to do things your way?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

For all those guys out there, like my way or the highway approach who said that's right?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's actually really immature way to live life.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I'm great in life as long as everybody just does things my way. Okay, that's not awesome.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So we all have our stuff, by the way, there's no guilt and blame in any of that stuff. That family of origin stuff is like, yeah, you did it as a kid because it kept you safe. I hid as a kid, right? Because I didn't want the brunt of my dad's disapproval and anger and abuse. So I learned as a little kid to run from conflict and hide from things. And at 56, I'm learning how not to do that.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So besides, when parents ask that, like, I just don't understand why my child does X, it's not an honest statement. It's not. So I'd rather you be honest and instead of saying, I don't understand why always my child always needs me to play play with him, or why my daughter waits until the last moment or when my son has to argue with me, just be honest and say, I don't like that my child does this. And I wish they would change because it would be better for them and easier for me. Or just say, I don't like my child the way he or she is. That would at least be honest and lead you closer to a solution.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

The only time I've ever gotten into an argument with a parent was at a live event. It was on Long Island.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And by the way, we're booking live events. That's a great pitch. Hey, I'm gonna come and I'm gonna argue with your parents. It's only happened one time to one person. We're booking live events. So reach out to Casey and we'll come to your school, your church, your organization, wherever.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Live events are awesome because we get everybody in a room and it's just there's so much good energy and we all learn together and we Laugh and we change, right? And so there's this type A mom and she couldn't accept that her son, who likes to dawdle and daydream, could ever be successful. Even though I pointed out the point of the studies that show daydreaming is a sign of really great intelligence. And we need people who are observers and thinkers, not just people who mark things off a checklist really quickly in an arbitrary timeline.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And she thought she could change her son's very nature. But you know what you'll do? You will kill your relationship and the child's spirit and it still will never work. So I really want you to wrestle with this. You must accept your child the way he or she is. Only then will your child feel secure to open up and to listen to your ideas.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

But we don't just stop there and say, oh, that's just the way is too bad. No, we actively give kids tools to succeed.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Tools to overcome procrastination, to jumpstart the brain and to do work that's hard. And we have that ADHD universities filled with that how to jumpstart child's brain for school. So number two, I want you to normalize some things and give your kids tools. Instead of shaming, we're going to give some tools. So we talked about normalizing some of these things. Of course you don't like to focus on things you don't find interesting. That's the way your brain is supposed to work. Who wants to write an assignment about something you don't care about? I rarely have to do that. My work. But we have to do this in school to get it done. So here are some tools that I found helpful. When I'm doing work that's hard, why don't we try listening to music? Why don't we work outside the home in the back of the van or back of a pickup truck? Why don't we work at a restaurant? Why don't we work? Why don't we do some of our schoolwork and writing while we're standing at the kitchen counter listening to music, tapping a pencil and eating a snack or after exercise after your endorphins are rushing and you get blood flow to the brain? See, I normalize. Of course you don't want to do that. Instead of, I don't know why you don't do that. You know, if you would just start on it now, you would be finished in 45 minutes. It's not that hard. And as soon as you say it's not that hard, of an assignment, but it's hard for them. They internalize. Well, it's not supposed to be hard, but it's difficult for me. Then I must be stupid, right? So I'm giving tools, right? And I finally learned how to bond with Casey over things that irritated me. And so I began to model and listen to music while doing my work. And I just invite Casey into the room where he could sit and do his work. I didn't talk to him, I didn't ask him about it. We just sat there and did our thing, right? And sometimes it's a very helpful approach. Number three, affirm and build your child up on the inside. Now here's a great conversation you may have with an older child. Look, if your child's 9 or 3, a toddler, still use this process of acceptance and giving them tools now, right? I want to give the child in preschool a lot of tools so they do, so they can do well in preschool. But I'm not just gonna say, you know what, if you can't sit still in a circle, then you're gonna be consigned to failure as a four year old. No, I'm not gonna say that. I'm gonna give them jobs to do. I'm giving challenges and I'm gonna get them moving, right? So I want to get your child to a place where they don't feel. Feel horrible about themselves. So for these parents, here is a script that I gave them to use with their son. Now, you use your own language, but it may sound like this sometime with your child. And sometimes you want to write this or even text it to your child. Sometimes you want to do it while you're riding in a car or while you're doing something, Walking the dogs where you're not just like looking them in eyes like, hey, son, I want to have a heart to heart with you. That's really uncomfortable. No, just approach them in a way that's less confrontational. Just that they would open up and they receive this. So, you know, so I've been thinking, and I just realized that dad and I are both detail oriented. Look what we do for our work. And that served us really well. But you're made differently from us, and we fail to recognize that. So inadvertently, out of good heart and good intentions, because we love you, we've been trying to make you behave and think like us. And I can imagine that that would make you feel angry, probably unaccepted, misunderstood, and like you could never please us. And so if I were you, I'd probably Feel hurt and angry and I'd probably give up and not try. Because why bother making an extra effort if your teachers and we as your parents are never really happy with you? But here's what I have noticed. I watch you. You handle pressure well. You're great with kids in high pressure situations. Outside of school, you just shine. I hear you when you're playing your video games and you're a leader and you're in charge and you direct things. And I see how you go out of your way to help people who are hurting or misunderstood. I notice how you help that elderly couple down the street with nobody asking. And I see how you're gentle and tender. Sorry, I don't know why it's causing me to do this, but when you start to see your kids, what they're really like and actually say that to them, it's a beautiful thing, right? I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals or little children. But you know what? And I have to. Let me interject, we're so, we're so focused also. They're going to do schoolwork. You're going to do your chores. We got to do what everybody else is doing. Why, why, why go through 12 years of schooling of just focus, like only noticing what they get grades for, right? When most of it is absolutely arbitrary and has nothing to do with success in life or success in relationships? Trust me, I work with a lot of engineers that are very bright, that are horrible and their families are. They're horrible at relationships. And it's not just engineers. I'm just picking on you a little bit, right? But all kinds of very bright people whose lives are literally falling apart and nothing they learned in school is going to help them. The fact that they were on the honor roll doesn't impress their wife after 14 years, right? When they can't have a good relationship and handle things that go wrong in the home, those things don't all matter. But let me get back to. So I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals, little kids, and they respond to you. And you're creative, you're intuitive, right? But son, you don't get grades or accolades for those things. So it probably feels like no one ever appreciates or validates you for being you. And worse yet, your brother or sister has always gotten good grades and done homework on time, and everybody notices that. So I can understand now how it would feel pretty awful in your situation. So I want to apologize. I wish I'd seen the real you sooner that that Kind of tone and those kind of words, even if it's broken up into weeks, a little thing here and there over the course of time, right? Feel that out. You don't have to go right in after you hear that and say, son, I need to talk to you. Pretty much ruined your childhood. And I went, right, that's not what I'm saying. Start observing those things on a daily basis. On a weekly basis. Sending them a little text, writing them a little note, and say, you know what? Here's a great. This is from the no BS instruction manual. It's a great thing to tell your kids sometime. I wish I was more like you. See, it's making me cry, too. I wish I was more like you because you push the limits or you see things in a different way. And I'm so rigid. And I've done these things since I was a little kid. And I just wish I was a little bit more like you. That is such an empowering thing to say. Now the next thing I want to do with these kids is we call it mission and mentor. And I'll have to do that in a different podcast of getting these kids using their gifts, talents, and passions because. Because that's what sparks internal motivation. This was a long podcast and I thank you for listening. It's actually not that long. Other people's are longer. It was actually pretty good. I fit a lot of stuff in that 22 minutes. So that. See, that's me recovering because I was very, very emotional. And that's sometimes still a little bit hard for me, right? I'm a dude. I want to be emotional, right? And so that's me kind of covering that up a little bit. That's my own issue. I'm learning to be more vulnerable. I'm learning to be tougher with people because I grew up hiding so people wouldn't be mad at me. And now I have to. I don't have to, but now I talk to parents. I'm like, yeah, that's not working. You need to stop doing that. That's not smart, Right? And so thank you for listening. Share this if we can help you reach out to Casey C A s e y celebrate calm.com I have control issues. So I read every email that comes into us because this is not a business. It's our family mission and we care about this and we care about your relationships. If you want to talk to me, go celebratecollum.com Sign up for the phone consultations and we'll talk. And we'll get deep into this. If you don't want to do that yet, grab the calm parenting package to get everything in an obs program. Just start working through this. And if you buy. Look, if you invest in our programs and start working through it, as you have questions, email us and we'll help you out with it. I want you to invest in this and we will invest in you as well, and that all works together. So thank you. We love you all and we'll talk to you soon. Go enjoy your kids. Start to accept them as they are. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.