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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So do you have a child who can be grumpy, who verbalizes everything that's wrong? Who often controls the emotional tide of your home? Who whose mood does determine your mood? Well, good, because you're not alone. And I want to give you some tools to deal with grumpy, moody kids. And that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help with anything, reach out to our formerly grumpy, especially when hungry son Casey. That's C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your kids. What are their ages? What do you struggle with most? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we email you back, usually pretty quickly, because that's what our goal is, is to give you practical tools. If you want to take this extra step, go to our website. Take advantage of our Christmas sale@celebratecolm.com so here's a quick caveat. I'm going to read through some individual sentences from a couple different emails and tackle a ton of different issues. And I just ask that you bear with me because this isn't all scripted because I want the freedom to throw in different insights that I think could be game changing for you. And so it's not going to be this tightly scripted podcast. I'm going to go off on some tangents because there's so much in here and I really want everybody get something from this. So I think it's going to be immensely helpful. So let's jump in. So this really sweet mom emails and she's got two kids including a newborn. So she says every single morning. My daughter is grumpy and it makes everyone miserable. And my first thought was this is not primarily your daughter's issue. It's an opportunity for you and we're going to explain why. As an aside, in the morning, here are a few things I do want to do. I like doing treasure hunts. I love them outside or in the basement or in the attic. You hide something, wake your daughter up. Hey, bet you can't find out. Find where I hid your food or hid your favorite toy. Get them doing a mission. It gives them something they're in control of. If your kids can go outside, fresh air changes moods. Accomplishing a task makes you feel like you're in control of something. The other thing I'd say is give your kids some time alone in the morning. You don't have to be overly talkative. There's no, there's nothing that says in the morning. Everybody needs to be cheery and cheerful and talk to each other. Some people aren't good in the morning, so respect that and just give them some alone time to kind of process the day. So mom goes on, normally she's a loving kiddo, but every single morning, it's not a matter of if, but when. Something is going to happen that sets her off and she just starts whining and complaining. So here's some insight. Moms and dads, a lot of strong willed kids process the their feelings and emotions by verbalizing them. It's irritating, it's annoying. But you know what's just as annoying? Your need and my need to change everybody else's emotions and fix their emotions just because their emotions make us uncomfortable. This is not going to stop. When your kids are little, your spouse, you're going to have to deal this with your spouse, with yourself, with everybody you know in life, you're going to want to control them, but it doesn't work. But these strong willed kids, oftentimes they process what they're feeling by just verbalizing it. Now the hard part is it's awful to listen to and you think this kid is miserable. But I guarantee you, most of your kids, they're not as miserable as they sound. It's just a way for them to process. So sometimes you can even engage it and say, I, oh, yeah, if that were happening to me, I'd be upset, too. And sometimes you can engage in it instead of trying to change it and fight it all the time. Look, I'm not saying this is right or wrong. It's just an area. It's just how it is, and it's an area where we can improve. Side note, I'll throw this one in there. In the morning, give your kids something they're in control of, a mission, doing something helpful. I know this sounds kind of weird, but if your kids are older and you could arrange it so a few days a week, they could go down to a neighbor's house to deliver something to them to help them with something. Some like, older lady down the street or a friend of yours. Just getting out of the house in the morning, seeing different people accomplishing a task, it can feel really good. And look, some of your kids in the morning are grumpy because it's just a lot of anxiety over school feeling. For some of your kids, school is one long, endless day of not feeling smart at times, feeling rejected by other kids, feeling like the teacher doesn't like them. Maybe they're not good at memorizing information and school is hard for them. Maybe they have dyslexia or learning differences, and it's just hard. Well, if I had to go do that every day, I'd probably be in a bad mood, too. So I definitely want to give kids tools for those things. But the real focus of this podcast is on our response to it. So mom goes on. Her brother was born last year, and I've definitely seen a shift in her mood because she's trying to navigate having to share her mom and her room. Well, look, this is very normal for those of you who have this dynamic. Look, I come along. All I know is from the first few days of birth, first months, first years, got this, mom and dad, or just a mom or dad, are here, and I get their full, undivided emotional intensity. I am their world. That's pretty cool. And then along comes this other kid that I. Nobody, nobody consulted with me about this. And along comes this other kid who's taking a lot of energy from my parents. Everybody's doting on this cute little child. Well, it's normal that a child would be thrown off by that. Here's something a little bit different I want you to do. I want to reframe her role within the family, away from competing for mom's attention So I really like dad in this case, if dad's involved giving the daughter some special grown up responsibilities, something baby brother isn't capable of doing. You know what, your little brother can't even tie his shoes. But you know what? You can do X and Y. Hey, could you help me with that? So here's the little shift. It's not just saying, oh, I could use some help because I'm so busy with your baby brother. Well, now I'm competing with my brother, my sibling, for attention. I'm actually pulling the child aside kind of into my side of the world and saying, oh man, you're so grown up, man. You can do things that your brother can't do. I could use your help with that. So it shifts it a little bit. I like that. Okay. Mom goes on any challenge we give her melts into it's too hard. She gets annoyed if I ask her to help with baby brother. That's what I was just mentioning. I don't want her at her, I don't want to ask her to help with her baby brother. He's competition. So I'd rather it become some kind of challenge or grown up job she does in the house. I hope that makes sense. Mom says, hey, holding her in physical touch helps when I can. Good. Maybe start the day with good sensory. A good sensory hug and a squeeze. That's why I love the obstacle course in the morning. Right. But hide the food out in obstacle course or in the basement, but you can't find it. You've got to crawl under, crawl over things, things, push, pull things. I don't care if it's go out and shovel some mulch. Some kids love that. Do it. The physical intensity is really good. I would give her positive physical intensity right in the morning because that's settling for her body and for our sensory seeking kids. As an aside as well, you're going to find martial arts, swimming and gymnastics are really helpful. And these are primarily individual sports, which is also better for many of our kids.
- [09:42]
Podcast Host
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- [12:13]
Kirk Martin
Okay, so here's the meat of it. Mom says I just want the grumpiness to end. She always finds something every morning to get really grumpy and mean over and it makes me not want to get up in the morning. Totally get that mom. But this is 100% about you. Look, my goal is I do not want the grumpiness to end. If I was working with you when we were doing phone consultations, my first goal would be like, I don't want the grumpiness. Then I forbid you to try to change the grumpiness because as long as you want and need the grumpiness to end, it won't. Because it has complete power over you. You feel resentful over it. And I get that because here you are Lavishing her with love and a good life, and you're up in the middle of the night two to three times a week with a new baby, and she can't even just get with a program and help you out. And instead she has to act like a baby and be grumpy. And on top of that, maybe that makes you feel like a failure as a mom, like you've done something wrong or you're not doing something right. Even though you lavish her with hugs and have a baby and a dog and a husband and you wear yourself out and she can't even be pleasant in the morning. Right? That can really mess with you inside. And moms and dads, I want you to know, especially with the strong will kids, they came out of the womb like this. It's not like you did something wrong. I hate all the guilt we put on parents, and especially sometimes in religious circles. Right? Well, if you were just faithful, if you just prayed, if you just did your family the way we did, don't know that's not true. You can be doing everything right and your child can still be really grumpy. So I get those feelings and you're fully justified, but that's 100% in your court. Something for you to work out. Here's what I want. I don't want the grumpiness to end right now. What I want to end is your reaction to it. I want you to practice, and I really mean this. Not being moved emotionally by her emotions. And you've probably heard me say this before, and if you have our programs, you know, I say this a lot. Two foundational mantras. We say, and internalize. Your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood. Because as long as her mood does control your mood, she has absolute power over you. And my gut tells me there's some dynamic here, that you two actually feed off of each other. Right? I had this dynamic with Casey, and a lot of moms have it with their daughters. It's like she reminds you of yourself. And in trying to change her, you're really kind of trying to change yourself. And in some ways, you're beating yourself up over this daughter who's just like you. And all that says is, you just have to work. You have work left to do on yourself. Not in a heavy guilt kind of way. I don't do guilt and blame. I'm just. We just have to acknowledge honestly, hey, this is my issue. No blame, no guilt, no heaviness. We don't have to be dramatic. I'M have so many things to work on. No, we all do. It's called being human. You have to do it no matter how old you get. So I want you to be gentle and kind to yourself as you do this, because you've got a lot going on. So in all of our back and forth, here's a little aside. In all of the back and forth with this mom, here's something that struck me. She never mentioned the role of her husband. And that happens a lot where moms take on everything. And I get it. Sometimes moms take it on because it's too much work, because husband sabotages things, or you try and then your husband doesn't even listen, or he dismisses your concerns, or he thinks you're too soft on your. Your child. All those things. I get that, man. I really need to get the dads involved in a positive way, taking on more of this so that a busy mom has breathing room to do some self care. That's for a separate podcast, but it's important, so mom goes on. It's not just that she's grumpy. It's not just that she's grumpy that's hard to deal with. It's the fact that she berates me and says all kinds of mean things. Her new favorite is I hate you. Okay, this for all moms and dads. And I'm going to be tough on you with this. And I say this with compassion, knowing this is hard and you're doing your best. You got to grow up with this stuff. Stop taking it personally. Think about this. Why would a little girl say I hate you to her mom? Because she knows that will cut right to your heart. She's just a smart kid who's confused and hurt, and she's trying to hurt you. She's an immature kid. Of course she's going to say that. But you're taking the bait because you, too, are confused and hurt. Look, little kids don't say this to their dads, just to their moms. They. Right. It's because moms are so full of love and moms want their kids to love them. But as a whole, as a dad, I didn't need my son to love me. I wanted him to respect me. See, but the way Casey. If Casey would have told me, I hate you, I've been like, well, that's your issue, not mine. But if he did something to disrespect me, then I would have lost it. Because that's so. Kids are smart like that, right? Anyway, so let's use this as a clue. And look, I'm not, let me finish this part up. I'm not saying it's right for a kid to look at their parent, especially a little kid, and say I hate you, but just understand that it's immature. It's a manipulative way of them trying to get under your skin and get to you. And I put 99.9% of the responsibility on you moms and dads and on me because we're grown adults. So we've got to stop taking these things personally and grow up. Well, I can't believe that she would say something like that to me. Why? It works. It got a reaction. It's a very smart look. Really smart kids say stuff like that. And if you really want to, want to draw that out a little bit, you've got a very insightful kid who one day is going to use this insight into human nature and help a lot of people. Right now she's immature, so she's just trying to get what she wants in the moment. Many of you have kids, well, Christmas is coming up. You're going to be around family and you've got a strong willed child who's going to make inappropriate jokes and comments about your relatives. And they are inappropriate, but they're funny because they're spot on. And what that tells you is these kids are observers and they watch how things work and they watch your responses. They tinker with Legos, they tinker with things and they tinker with your brain. And it's up to you to smile about this and not be moved by it and take it so personally. Let's use this as a clue that we have some work to do on ourselves to heal some of those past wounds from your childhood, from some of your relationships. See, when your daughter says things like that, she's not mad at you. She's hurt and confused and she's looking for clarity. She's also seeing how you react and you do react every single time. Look, it's a mystical dance, so to speak. It's. To me, it's kind of like God's way of bringing people, even little people, into our lives to shine a spotlight on areas where we need to grow. And if you can receive it this way, it's a beautiful gift because all of this will help you be free from your own immaturity and establish a really close bond with your daughter. If your kids just did whatever you wanted all the time and you never got pushback, you wouldn't grow. And this Isn't like a self helpy thing like, oh, be thankful that your child is so difficult? No, but it's a mature way of saying like, yeah, this is actually, this child is actually putting a spotlight on immaturity and places I need to grow. So rather than trying to fix the child and trying to make them different, I'm going to work on myself. Look, this entire dynamic is what led to celebrate calm and my own transformation. I spent the first nine and a half years of Casey's life trying to change him until I finally discovered and owned the fact that I was the one who needed to change. I always thought he was the issue, but it was me. And I never would have changed had it not been for that hard charging, strong willed, emotional explosive child we had who also was kind of grumpy when he got hungry. So later on I had this interaction with this mom and she said, look, if I show the slightest impatience, get annoyed at her, she tells me rudely to be nice, which is a phrase I've often used on her. And so I wrote back, I said, she's a little you look. These kids are so sensitive. So when we show that impatience and we get annoyed, they take it on. It's kind of like their teachers. How many of you have kids, first day of school up, they come home, mom, my teacher doesn't like me. They can pick up on that stuff. It's a huge trigger and that's why I want to work on myself. Otherwise it will escalate all the time. And so the mom wrote and said, how the heck did a little kid get this much power of me? Did I set myself up for failure when I pretended to be sassy in our games? And I wrote back, yes, you did, because you've been telling your daughter right to be, you need to be nice. And then mom, when you get frustrated and you're not nice to her, she's just repeating back to you the same thing. I'm telling you that's what strong will kids are going to do. We once work with this family. This is awesome. Actually, a lot of families whose kids did this when the parent was like, I'm going to give you a consequence. And the child said, oh yeah? Well, I'm going to give you a consequence. What are you going to say to that? It is awesome. So this entire interaction lead somewhere deeper and we're almost there. But let me recap a couple ideas before the deeper stuff. So my goal for you and for this mom would be this number one, change the entire morning routine. Find a way to say yes to something your daughter is good at. Enjoy and enjoys first thing in the morning. Give her some positive intensity first thing in the morning. Even intense physical, hugging, holding or squeezing for a couple minutes. Find a way to, yes, give her some kind of job to do. Older adult type job, even. Number two, in the morning, change your expectations and your attitude toward her. So she's a moody morning person. Roll with that. I've known plenty of people like this in my life. So what do I do? I give them space and time to themselves. Because you know how annoying it is to say, why don't you want to talk to him in the morning? That's annoying, right? So I just don't talk to them. And my little side note, stop talking so much to your kids in the morning or after school. That's annoying. Just because you need that interaction doesn't mean they should be obligated to have that. So maybe they don't have that need. So respect that. And don't say they're rude just because they don't respond the way you want them to. Give them a little space. I promise you. You know this. With a strong will child, you try to force something and demand something to them. They always resist. If you control yourself and go about your morning or your afternoon, you create the environment in which it becomes safe for them to come in and then they will open up. But you drew them and you led them instead of forcing them. That's a whole podcast on that, right? So I had a note in here that maybe you're the rude one for forcing them into conversations they don't need or care about. I know, but when I was a kid, my mom taught me when someone addresses yours. I get that. So model that. But your mom was probably also a little bit rude and a freak too. So chill with that. Give people space. Number three. What I really want you to work on this coming week and you're going to hate me for this, but it's huge. Change your goal. You said you don't want your daughter to be grumpy. I'm okay with her being grumpy. Next week, let her be grumpy. My goal is for you to not react to it. Don't try to fix it. Don't give her a suggestion, right? Honey, here's something you could do that's annoying too. People don't like to be fixed. It's condescending. Don't think, frown. Don't plead. Don't react. Let her whine and complain. Go about your Business. And as you walk by, you could say this, you know what? You're so smart, I know you'll figure this out. And then go play fetch with your dog or her. I once joked about that with family and said, why don't you play fetch with your child? And they actually threw something for their child to go get and he actually occasionally came back with it in his mouth. I, I don't care if it works, do it. And then you go about your business. And so this is where it gets even deeper. I had written the following. Your daughter gets under your skin and you allow it and enable it and feed into it. She says she hates you because she knows that will irritate you and get a response for you. But why give any credence to that from a little kid? It's purely a way to get that intense response from you. Stop playing little kid games. That's why I want to give them positive intensity. But I do that proactively myself. Be the confident adult. That's something that there's something about her and some of your kids that just triggers you, some sort of resentment that you hold toward this child that's been so difficult, who does control in many ways your evenings and your family life. And these kids begin to feel, feel that resentment. The good news is resolving this has nothing to do with a kid and everything to do with us as adults and how we view and respond to these kids. And see, you've got 100% power of that and that's exciting to me because if you embrace this change, the relationship will change. See, we're not. We move from being dependent on changing the behavior of a 3 year old, a 7 year old, a 12 year old, a 17 year old, and instead changing the behavior of ourselves. It's really cool. And so this mom responded and this was a really nice back and forth with this mom. But she said, I do worry, as your podcast says over and over, that who she is now will set her up for failure later in life. I'm afraid she's too much like me in all the bad ways. And that final email I got right before bed and just punched me in the gut because now I could feel for this mom. She's just a sweet mom, right? Doing her best with two little kids, wanting her daughter to grow up and be liked and have a good life, maybe wanting her daughter have things better than she ever had. And then that killer last line comes in of I'm afraid she's too much like me in all the bad ways. And you can hear that and feel that. Right. It's just in some of you struggle with that. And so I was able to empathize with this mom because that's the dynamic that characterized my relationship with Casey. If I don't like parts of myself and see my child exhibiting those same traits, then my guilt or resentment over myself can transfer to my child. That's why we're so often so hard on our kids. See, I see. Here's what we're kind of saying. I see you, son or daughter repeating those same mistakes I made or exhibiting those character traits I have. I don't like them in myself and I've seen how it's hurt me in my life. So I don't want them repeated. So I'm going to come down harder on you. This is very much a dad thing. Moms do it too. But I know a lot of dads are like, I just, I, I saw myself struggle and I don't want my child to do it. So I think if I just come down so hard on them and you know what happens? The opposite of that happens. And it just. Now you no longer have a relationship with your child because you're always trying to fix them and it's really about your issue. And so in some ways, when I did that with my son, it was a way of beating myself up in a sense. But that's not fair to an innocent kid to have to be a stand in for you. So realize, by the way, all those mistakes and character flaws, they make you who you are today. There's no regrets in that. Let's just change it from this day going forward. So I wrote back to the mom and said, maybe you need to forgive yourself or release yourself from feeling like a bad person because then you'll have eyes to see yourself and your daughter in a different light because I think you're awesome. So mom, let's start fresh tomorrow because I'm proud of you for working on yourself. So two more ideas for you. As if I didn't include enough in this and I don't want it to be overwhelming, but I told this mom, I want you to release your daughter from your judgments, from you trying to change her, from your false expectations. I want you to release her to be who she is, not who you want her to be or not who you want to be. And you have to release yourself from guilt and anxiety and resentments. That's what I want you to focus on so we can have. So there's a lot in there. But if you could work on one thing this week. I would say it's this. Next time your child's doing something irritating like verbalizing their things or grumpiness child, just practice this. Don't fix it. Don't fix your kids moods and just practice controlling your own mood, your own body posture, your own tone of voice, your own mood at first. If you need help with that, work through the two programs I go through first are 30 days to calm and enjoying your strong will child because it gives you a lot of insight into your kids that I can't even give you on this podcast. If you need help with that, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com do take advantage of the Christmas sale. If we can help you in any way, let us know. It's what we exist for. Okay, thanks for being open to all that moms and dads. Talk to you soon. Love you all. Bye.