Handling A Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Handling a Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: June 18, 2023

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Handling a Demanding Child Without Losing Your Mind," Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into effective strategies for parents grappling with strong-willed children. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children exhibiting various behavioral challenges, Kirk provides actionable insights to transform power struggles into opportunities for growth and connection.

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Understanding Strong-Willed Children

Kirk begins by defining the characteristics of strong-willed children, emphasizing their busy minds, visual learning styles, and intense focus on their interests. These traits, while inherently positive, often clash with parental and educational expectations, leading to frequent conflicts.

"These are kids with very busy brains. They're often very visual and they get excited about their ideas... if you can train them to craft their lives correctly, they'll get to pursue their curiosity more often than simply following the dictates of others."
[02:53] – Kirk Martin

He highlights that such children are not inherently defiant but are instead seeking ways to process and approach tasks differently, often buying time to think creatively.

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Strategies for Handling Demands

1. Catching Reflexive 'No's

Kirk emphasizes the importance of parents becoming aware of their automatic tendency to say "no" in response to their child's demands. Instead of shutting down requests immediately, he advises a brief pause to consider a constructive response within set boundaries.

"I want you to catch yourself first before you do that reflexive no. And I want you to think for two or three seconds and then find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries."
[04:54] – Kirk Martin

This approach helps in reducing tension and fosters a more collaborative atmosphere.

2. Creating Successes: Give Your Child a Win

Using the example of a child wanting to make coffee, Kirk illustrates how parents can turn potential conflict into a learning opportunity. Instead of outright refusal, he suggests acknowledging the child’s interest and setting conditions that promote responsibility.

"Number one, say yes to the idea and concept first by affirming something positive... I think making coffee is a great idea."
[08:43] – Kirk Martin

By doing so, parents validate their child's interests while maintaining necessary boundaries.

3. Compromise and Set Boundaries

Kirk discusses the delicate balance between authority and flexibility. He urges parents to see compromise not as giving in but as an essential aspect of building trust and respect in the parent-child relationship.

"I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because he knows that I have his best interests at heart."
[11:00] – Kirk Martin

This philosophy shifts the focus from obedience to mutual trust and understanding.

4. Giving Ownership and Responsibility

Encouraging children to take ownership of tasks that align with their passions can significantly enhance their sense of responsibility. Kirk suggests integrating their interests into household roles, such as having a child become the family barista.

"Hey, you know, while you're doing that, could you make me a cup? In fact, I've got an idea. Could you begin looking up some different recipes with healthy spices that maybe you can begin adding to our coffee?"
[09:34] – Kirk Martin

This strategy not only engages the child but also leverages their strengths and interests for the benefit of the family.

5. Managing Clean-Ups and Messes

Understanding that strong-willed children may not naturally clean up after themselves, Kirk advises parents to set clear expectations and consequences while maintaining a positive environment.

"Put some music on, smile and savor your coffee while you clean up next to him... Just do it right now. That's not the way you always pictured your home running and your child behaving. That's not what you had in your mind. But this is the reality."
[17:07] – Kirk Martin

He underscores the importance of stepping back from frustration and finding ways to engage positively during difficult moments.

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Changing the Parent-Child Relationship

Kirk challenges the traditional authoritarian approach to parenting, advocating instead for a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. He encourages parents to see themselves not as rulers but as guides who support their children in becoming responsible and compassionate individuals.

"I don't want an obedient kid who just obeys me because I'm his father. I want a young man that grows up to trust me because he knows that I love him and because he knows I have his best interests at heart."
[11:29] – Kirk Martin

This paradigm shift aims to cultivate a more harmonious and supportive family dynamic.

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Conclusion and Recommendations

Kirk wraps up the episode by urging parents to implement these strategies consistently. He acknowledges that the process may be uncomfortable and challenging but emphasizes the long-term benefits of a stronger parent-child relationship.

"You listen to the calm parenting package... It helps you internalize exactly how to do this. So you get that @celebratecalm.com if you need help in any way or you need financial assistance with it, reach out to Casey."
[26:38] – Kirk Martin

He recommends engaging with the Calm Parenting Package for comprehensive guidance and additional strategies to handle various parenting challenges effectively.

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Key Takeaways

• Understand Your Child’s Nature: Recognize the inherent traits of strong-willed children and work with their strengths rather than opposing them.
• Pause Before Responding: Avoid immediate refusals. Take a moment to consider a constructive response.
• Build Trust Over Obedience: Foster a relationship based on mutual trust and respect, not mere compliance.
• Leverage Interests for Responsibility: Assign roles and tasks that align with your child’s passions to encourage responsibility.
• Maintain Positive Engagement: Handle messes and conflicts with a positive and collaborative attitude to strengthen family bonds.

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Resources:

• Website: Celebrate Calm
• Contact: [e-mail]
• Calm Parenting Package: Available on the website for comprehensive parenting strategies.

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By adopting Kirk Martin’s compassionate and practical approaches, parents can transform challenging interactions into meaningful opportunities for growth, fostering a more peaceful and respectful family environment.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

[Casey Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So do you have a child who comes downstairs in the morning or maybe in the afternoon or evening or anytime demanding things or with a single minded focus that they're going to do something and you rightfully and reasonably say no to their request and then it sets off this huge power struggle or meltdowns, arguing, maybe the child throwing things, including words around, Right? And so how do you handle these situations without losing your mind or, or your relationship? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help. Reach out to our son Casey. He was very much this kind of demanding, distracted kid, right, who was single minded, focused and what he wanted to do, he wanted to do. And that set off so many power struggles in our home. Primarily because I couldn't control myself and I had a lot of control issues. But if you want some help, reach out to Casey C a s e ycelebratecolm.com because he'll get you. He gets your family because he is or was your kid. Tell us about your kids. What are you struggling with most? We get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply personally back to you. We try to make things very, very practical. If you need help with any of Our resources, we reach out to Casey. I mean, you just get them right from the website.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

But if you need help, financially or otherwise, ask Casey. He's super helpful for other adults.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Just like your kids, just not for you. So here's some insight into your strong willed kids. These are kids with very busy brains. They're often very visual and they get excited about their ideas. And there's nothing wrong with that, except that that comes into conflict with what you and, and teachers want them to do each day. And if you can now, if you can train them to craft their lives correctly, they'll get to pursue their curiosity more often than simply following the dictates of others. It's really important and it's a balance. I know, but this is the way that they are made. It's the way my son is made. It's the way I'm made. So be intentional about this. You can't change their nature though. You can teach them to be patient and selfless and giving. Right? So your child wakes up and already has an agenda. And I was doing a phone consultation with this really lovely couple whose son geeks out on doing new things around the house. And like many of our kids, he likes adult type activities. And don't dismiss or ignore that trait. Use it to your advantage, even if you think it's weird. So here's a common situation. This kid comes down intent on making coffee in the morning, and it's not so weird. Casey drank coffee from a young age. It actually calmed him down, stimulated his brain and helped him in other ways. So in this situation, mom has 13 good reasons for her son not to make coffee. Right? Then all are understandable, reasonable, and she's not wrong at all. But isn't it also true that sometimes we get in the habit of reflexively saying no to our kids? Right. And that's ironic, given that they often reflexively say no to every single thing we ask them. Do. And I'll do that. I'll cover that in another podcast, why they do that. But it's usually not defiance. They're usually buying a little time to think and to process because they want to come up with a different way of doing what you ask them to do.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

In the end, that's a good trait. But that's for another time. So this week, here's what I want to encourage you to do. I want you to catch yourself first before you do that reflexive no. And I want you to think for two or three seconds and then find a way to say yes. To something they can do within your boundaries.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

This isn't just letting your kids do whatever they want. Not at all. Not a believer in that at all.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

We have to have boundaries and we have clear expectations. Right. Of what we expect. But I want you to find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries. Remember, whenever we say no to something inappropriate, we always say yes to something appropriate. Otherwise, your whole life, especially with little kids, could be, no, no, no, Stop, stop, stop, stop that. Look, there's nothing wrong with saying no to your child. It's a good thing, right? In fact, if you go through the calm parenting package, and I encourage you to do that, I actively show you how and when to say no. As a way to teach your child how to handle the inevitable disappointments in life. It's important to learn to say no and for your kids to learn how to handle when no is said to them. Right. But in most cases, here's what I want you to do this week. Find something you can say yes to within your boundaries. It may not be exactly what your child is wanting or demanding, but. But I want you to find a way to say yes. So when I was talking to these parents, what hit me was this. This kid is coming downstairs and his brain is firing on all cylinders. He's got an agenda. He knows what he wants to do. He's got a mission to complete. So what I wanted them to do was this first thing in the morning was give his brain a win. Now, I know that's a weird phrase, but it's important to create successes, to get some positive momentum through, to feed that brain in healthy ways. Because these kids have these very busy brains, and that's why little things set them off. It's why transitions are so hard for them, by the way. It's also why they struggle with anxiety. It's why they struggle with playing board games, because they're going to cheat, change the rules of the game, right? Or quit. And that's all about things feeling out of their control and wanting to control things. And that's a very normal thing that we all do as humans to kind of keep an equilibrium in our lives, right? But this brain is really firing on this. And then we, a lot of us do constant no's, right? Just no, you can't do that. No, you can't do that. Stop doing that. But I'd like to give this kid's brain a win, as weird as that phrase sounds. Now, this is hard because your kids don't just come into the kitchen. Ask mom, dad, may I please have note? They head straight to the coffee pot. They begin doing what they want to do. And they're relentless and wear you down. And when you try to explain rationally why they can't make coffee this morning, that little whirlwind over there, or teenage whirlwind, right, will say things to trigger you, and so you'll be tempted to respond with your own tone. You know what? I said no. Did you not hear me? Listen, there are times when. When you can do it, and then you trail off into a useless long lecture. Right? But tomorrow I want you to use this process instead. First, check your own anxiety, check your own triggers, control yourself, and then do this. Number one, say yes to the idea and concept first by affirming something positive. You know what? I think making coffee is a great idea. Now, do you really? No. Because you know he's going to leave a mess.

[Mrs. Calm]

But this isn't some moral issue.

[Kirk Martin]

It's just a reasonable preference you have. So you bite your tongue and you hear yourself adding this. Actually, I think it's pretty cool and grown up that you already know how to do this. At your age, even though your real thoughts are great, you're motivated to make coffee, a non kid thing. But I can't get you to put your dishes in the sink, take out the trash, or do one simple assignment. But I want you to say yes to the concept first. Number two. Then say yes to him making coffee. But add a challenge. Make it more grown up. Hey, you know, while you're doing that, could you make me a cup? In fact, I've got an idea. Could you begin looking up some different recipes with healthy spices that maybe you can begin adding to our coffee? Like cinnamon or ginger or turmeric?

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Instead of the immediate shutdown and ensuing power struggle, you're now engaging him and giving him a challenge. And let me address what your thought should be right now. But aren't you just giving in? Sure, you could make that argument, but I would make the argument that we make these decisions every single day in our interactions with others and ourselves.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I compromise with myself daily when I choose an easier workout at the gym over a tougher one. But I still worked out. I do it daily. And so do you. In your most intimate relationships with your wife and your kids and your friends, you put aside what you want, right? I put aside what I want or what is most comfortable with me sometimes. And I compromise to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me into resentment. Right. Because if all you ever do is compromise, that will tip you into resentment. And that's not healthy either. But there's a healthy amount of compromise. Right? Are you giving in to your spouse or friends when you agree to meet halfway or change your mind or put their preferences over yours or kind of between yours?

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Are you giving in to them?

[Casey Martin]

No.

[Kirk Martin]

You're having a relationship. And we have this idea that the parent child relationship is some dictatorship in which the authority figures primary purpose appears to be to wield ultimate executive power in some insecure bid for power and to train his or her subject to learn how to obey. Much of that comes from an upbringing in which authoritarian parents, which many of us had merely passed down law based religious conceptions.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Look, I know this is going to challenge you because these are deeply held beliefs within you that you've had since childhood. But I encourage you to wrestle with this. I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because he knows that I have his best interests at heart when I ask him to do something. But I don't need him. And I don't want him to arbitrarily carry out my wishes or do things out of obligation just because we're a family and that's the correct family structure. What I want is for my son out of the generosity, out of the generosity of his own heart out that's hopefully been molded by how his mom and dad treat him and he sees us treat others in the world. I want him out of the generosity of his own heart to reciprocate with selfless acts and kindness because he wants to, not because he has to. Now wouldn't that be freeing and liberating if that were your conception of your relationship with the Creator? That we reciprocate kindness, mercy and acts.

[Mrs. Calm]

Of love to others out of a.

[Kirk Martin]

Full heart, not out of obligation because we're going to be punished.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

So no, I reject the common notion that you have to train kids to be obedient to authority figures because that's how life works. That's not what I aspire to live out and that's not what I would want my kids to live out. So wrestle with that and maybe listen to it again because that's really, those are really deeply held beliefs of like that's how, that's how law and order and structure works in the society that we have to have. Sometimes you have to do those things you don't want to do. I get all that. But you've got to really get to the core of what are you after with your kids? And I'm going to repeat it again. I don't want an obedient kid who just obeys me because I'm his father. I want a child. I want a young man that grows up to trust me because he knows that I love him and because he knows I have his best interests at heart and therefore out of a full heart, because he's experienced mercy and compassion and kindness and he's seen that lived out. Then he does things. Then he does the same thing that he watches us do. And so when I ask him to do something or even here's by the way, here's what my son does really well. I don't know that my son has ever responded to me with yes sir. It wasn't a big deal to me. Now if it is to you, good. I love hearing when kids are like yes sir, yes ma'am. That's polite. That is perfectly great. My son has never said that to me. My son isn't always that great at doing things out of obligation. But what my son does really well is without being asked, he does thoughtful things for me and for his mother and for the people in his life. He's not a sweet kid, he's not an obedient kid, but he's a very thoughtful young man and that is what I really want. I hope that makes sense. So Mrs.

[Mrs. Calm]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Mrs. Calm]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Mrs. Calm]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Mrs. Calm]

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[Kirk Martin]

So back to our example, you would look, you and your child are not equal. You're not equals when it comes to decision making. You've got the ultimate authority. And that's why I encourage you, the one with the power. Let me say that again. I encourage you because you're the one with the power to exercise it with humility. Give your child's brain a win, create a success. This is not a zero sum game of like, oh, he won in that situation and got away with it. No, I'm bigger than that. You're bigger than that. I'm the authority figure, which means I'm the one that serves. And I'm the one with some humility here. I'm not letting my child win. I don't like that whole conception of how that works. So number three, we give him some ownership and maybe you say, hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you become the barista of our home? You're giving him some ownership of this task. You're asking him to assume a more adult, like, more responsible position. See, I'd rather raise a responsible child than just an obedient child. I like that a lot. Number four, affirm him again. Or her. Wow, that's actually pretty good coffee. Hey, why don't you be in charge of this every morning? Actually, maybe we can begin coming up with different recipes for meals to cook once a week, because I think you'd be really good at that. And by the way, most of the strong willed kids I know are. They do like to cook and they like to. They like to Mix things with their hands. And they like to do the recipes. They're just not going to follow the recipe.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

They like to figure things out and experiment with things. And there's something about cooking. There's very sensory, it's very quick because you get to cook it and then you get to taste it, Right? And that's a very immediate kind of satisfaction. Just don't expect them to clean up. So watch what's happening now. Maybe you can begin coming up with different recipes. Maybe one night a week, you could be the cook. You'd be good at that. You're lifting your child up now and actually expecting more of him. See, in saying no all the time, you're just asking him to be obedient to your wishes and not do stuff. But now we're actually asking something greater of him, to learn to be more responsible and to use his or her particular gifts, talents, passions, and desires to do something constructive for the family. Look, this is a beautiful thing, actually, this whole concept of instead of obedience, I want a responsible child. I'm expecting more of him now, and he's got some ownership of that. He's got to be responsible. And now he's using his or her particular gifts to do something constructive for the family. And I'm playing to their strengths in this rather than just doing some arbitrary task, because that's what I came up with. Look, here's the other part of it, and I'll just be dead honest with you. Your kids aren't going to do most of the arbitrary chores you ask them to do. And you can take away every single thing that they own. They don't care. And you know that's true. Stop fighting stuff that you know is true. If you've been listening this podcast, I've been telling you that for years. They're just not. And you can. You can wrestle with it, you can be upset about it, you can do all kinds of things, or you can just recognize who they are and do what works for your family. Some of you have compliant kids that love checking off tasks, because that's how you are. You love being obedient. You love doing tasks that provides order and structure for you. Someone told me to do a, B and C, and I did a, B and C. And that feels really good inside because I got that done. And that's all checked off, right? That's a sense of accomplishment. Awesome for you. But your kids, some of your strong will kids may not be just like you. And so I shifted around. Look, instead of think how cool this is too. But this just. This was not in any of my notes. Right. So instead of. What would you call instead of complaining? Right. And bear with me because I'm kind of typing this as I'm doing it because I think it's a really good thought. Instead of complaining that my child is disobedient. Right. To my wishes. To my largely arbitrary wishes. Now I get to flip that around. And now the narrative becomes what? My son is so responsible. I ask more of him and he does it. And that fits really well with the strong willed child. So do it. It's a really cool idea. Okay, number five, know that your child in this situation is going to leave little brown droplets of coffee and little creamer and spill sugar packets and not pick up the packet. And those little fine crystals are going to be all over your counter and.

[Mrs. Calm]

They'Re probably going to even mix with.

[Kirk Martin]

The little brown drops of coffee and they're going to. It's irritating. They're going to do that. He isn't going to clean up the right way. And I say that with 100% certainty. I don't know any strong will kids who clean up. Well, they don't. My son didn't go to his house. Now, he's very, very clean. Why? It's his house. He owns it. So. And he's older now you can go hardcore. And I encourage you to do this, insist. Hey, no more barista job and definitely no tip until you learn to clean up. Do it and see if that works. Some of your kids may respond to that because they care so much about being the barista in the family that they clean up. But if it doesn't work, here's what I encourage you to do. This is old guy wisdom. Take advantage of it. Otherwise you're just going to be miserable. Put some music on, smile and savor your coffee while you clean up next to him. Because strong will kids like you to be right next to them. Not standing over them, but next to them, smiling and having a conversation about something else. Maybe different menu items, maybe how one day they can own their own coffee shop. Because they're born entrepreneurs and they're born salespeople. Just do it right now. That's not the way you always pictured your home running and your child behaving. That's not what you had in your mind. But this is the reality. And this is the child you've been given and you took what was a certain power struggle that you never win anyway, by the way. You never win that anyway. It always results in tears or a strained relationship. And you just turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety, because you paused for a moment, and because you found a way to say yes to something appropriate. So think of some common situations in your home this week in which you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time. Because that was me. Dr. Nope, can't do that. No, can't do that. Begin to rethink those situations and think, how could we be creative? How could we say yes to something? How could we encourage our child to use his or her particular gifts and passions and actually expect them to become more responsible? All within our acceptable boundaries, by the way. Boundaries that you most likely have to make a little wider and broader because you have control issues. Why? Because we all do. It's human nature to want to have control. So stop denying it and just admit I have control issues or I'm a little bit too rigid. That's most of us. Now, some of you just don't have any boundaries at all. And that's not good either, right? But expect your child. How could you have your child be more responsible with an adult type job within your acceptable, larger boundaries? Watch your child's expression when you say this this week. You know, I usually say no to that, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions because I actually believe you can do this really well. And you may even add, I wonder how you can do this even better than I can. There's a challenge. There's belief in your child. Now, this isn't easy. I know, I understand. I'm challenging many of your most deeply held assumptions, including many of your concepts over your. You're Christian or Jewish or Muslim or whatever religious beliefs, right? About parenting. Those are deeply held beliefs. So I appreciate you wrestling with these ideas. Look, I like to laugh and be lighthearted. You'll hear that through the podcast. But the stakes here are really high. You know why? Because if you have a harmful, destructive approach with your kids, it can literally destroy relationships and lives. For decades, some of you have lived through that. Some of you had this happen to you when you were a child, right? This has serious consequences to it. So it's important that you and your spouse, if you're married, that you really wrestle with these ideas. And I would ask you to do this, try doing it this way for a few weeks or a month and see how your child responds. You're going to be uncomfortable, you're going to question yourself, and no doubt you're going to have Family question whether you're letting your kids get away with things because you're not disciplined the right way.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's normal. It's going to happen. But this being uncomfortable is normal and good. Live with it, sit in it, but do it. So I also encourage you listen to the calm parenting package. Go get the get everything package. Either one, go through them. You listen to them daily. Just put them on your phone, on your iPad and you listen on an easy to listen to app. It is so easy. And we go into all these different situations from morning to midnight with your kids showing you a different way to do it, giving you scripts. And I have a lot more. When you listen to those things, it gives me lots and lots of hours I can go through. Like this was one example for a kid wanting coffee in the morning. In the. In the programs, I can go through five different examples for kids of different ages. Right? And so. And you know what else it does? You just begin to hear it and it becomes. It becomes second nature to you. Right? It helps you internalize exactly how to do this. So you get [e-mail] if you need help in any way or you need financial assistance with it, reach out to Casey. C A S E Y celebratecalm. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me challenge you with this because I believe in the end, this is very liberating for you and for me. These are really cool, different ideas and I encourage you to do it. Say yes this week. Let me know how it goes. Love you all. Bye.