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Calm Parenting Podcast
Help For Kids Who Want To Quit, Complain, Be Negative, Are Messy & Forgetful, Compete With Siblings, Have ADHD #576
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The parents who listen to our podcast are brilliant. You've heard me talk about giving kids ownership, so this great couple gave their son responsibility for the family calendar using Skylight Calendar. This is a kid with ADHD who is not naturally organized, but now that he is in charge of highlighting everyone's activities with a different color, he can see visually. Skylight Calendar has reduced his anxiety and eliminated those unknowns that cause meltdowns. And Skylight syncs all your calendars and then visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. It's perfect for modern families. Try it for 120 days and if you're not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting go to myskylight.com parenting for three $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's my S K-Y-L-I G-H-T.com parenting moms and dads, you're on your feet all day. 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Most of us have kids who give up when learning gets hard. That's why I encourage you to check out ixl.com Kirk IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student for from K to 12. Whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling, kids love IXL's positive feedback awards and educational games. IXL encourages kids to find joy in learning through video tutorials that guide your child in the way they learn best. Each activity on IXL helps your child build up the determination to push through challenges and feel a tangible sense of accomplishment. And IXL's extensive content library empowers kids to explore their interests and take charge of their own learning journey. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXCEL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IExcel.com Kirk visit IExcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Do you have kids who seem to complain incessantly? What about kids who get upset when corrected and and revert to negative self talk? Should you allow a child to quit a sport? What about kids with ADHD who are messy or forgetful? How do you handle kids who one up each other or compete for attention with a younger sibling? What should we focus on in the teen and tween years? These are some of the questions I'm going to answer in today's special Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome to this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find us and our Black Friday and march sale@celebratecalm.com this is the final week of this special sale, so let's jump in and answer some questions. I'm going to try to get through a lot and that's why I talk so fast. So negative self talk. A mom said, hey, if I say, hey bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time. It will cause my son to pitch a 20 minute crying fit calling himself an idiot. Dumb stupid kid. I would never talk to him that way and listening to him do it to himself is painful. So here are a few ideas for you. Number one, let's have your son be responsible for packing his own lunch. You can help him make things, but he has to put it together. If possible, let him make his sandwich and put stuff together. That way he's much more likely to remember it. Number two, I would just hand him the lunchbox and keep walking by. Or change the subject. Don't draw attention to it. Number three, I would not say, hey, you need to try to remember it next time. That's what triggers the negative self talk and the meltdown. It's the embarrassment that comes along with it, knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things. He already knows he stinks at that and this kind of feels like it's rubbing it in. It's like if you have a certain weakness and every single day your boss brought up your Weakness. You'd eventually you just start saying like, oh, why am I so dumb? Like everybody else is so good at this. Number four, normalize that. He stinks at remembering things like that. Well, of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. That's because your brain is busy thinking of bigger thoughts and ideas and then you can fill in the blank because many of our kids are like strategic thinkers and they're really deep thinkers. Look, you're a strategic thinker, but that means you'll probably struggle with remembering little details. See, that's just an honest statement and you're pointing out both sides of it, the strength and the corresponding weakness. And, and that's super important for our kids to understand. Like of course you struggle in this area and that's why you're also really strong in this other area. Instead of being like, oh, I can't believe that, that I'm. No, it's like we all have strengths and weaknesses and part of the debilitating part of our society is that with our kids we spend so much time in society and school spend so much time just pointing out what they're doing wrong and, and what they're not good at. No wonder they don't have any confidence. So you point that out and say, well yeah, of course you forget things like that because your brain is focused on larger strategic things that you're thinking about and ideas and things that you're going to build and make and put together and sell. But then you can transition. So let's come up with some ideas you'll be able to use for the rest of your life to remember things. So you can use that awesome brain of yours to solve problems, create, invent things. See, I want you to show him how to use post it notes on his backpack, how to send himself reminder emails or texts. That way you are giving your child tools to be successful throughout his life in an area in which he'll probably always struggle. See that's just very, very practical. And, and you're taking out, you're taking away any of that stigma from. It's like, yeah, you're really good at this area, you're not so great at that area. So here are some things I do in order to remind myself. Look, number six, I'm a realist. He's just an 11 year old boy, he's going to forget stuff at times. And I could say the same thing if your child was like 4 or 7 or 16. Their kids, it's not the highest priority for them to remember all these little things you and I do because we're adults and we're conscientious and we don't do that, we don't get paid and then our family starves and so we have a vested interest in that. But look, you can always just let him forget his lunchbox and then he can be hungry at lunch and you don't have to take his lunchbox to school for him. It's a hard lesson, but a good lesson. Honestly, I don't know that that will really work a lot, but you could just do that. But I don't freak out about it. Look, number seven, the larger point is this beware this modern obsession we have with trying to fix all of our kids weaknesses. It is absurd and destructive. I do not spend most of my day lamenting the fact that I'm not good at fixing things around the house or doing calculus or skiing or singing or being a plumber. I spend most of my energy doing the things I'm naturally good at doing or have learned to do well. I want you to define your kids by their strengths, not their weaknesses. Look, the degree to which you are successful in life is the degree to which you use your natural gifts, talents and passions and usually to serve and help other people and solve problems. Life is not about just I've got to fix all of my weaknesses. Some weaknesses do not need to be fixed. Question My child leaves a mess everywhere. Nothing seems to work. So I'd replied to this mom on Instagram and said, look, I'd perhaps start with a goal of creating an organized mess or confining his messes to particular piles or places. So instead of everything scattered everywhere, give him a place to dump stuff, even if it drives you crazy. What I'm looking for here is, is just some progress. And I would encourage you. Listen to There are two podcasts Overcoming triggers that set you off. Messes everywhere, part one and two from December 2023. I think you'll find that really, really helpful. Personal questions Because I thought I'd answer what'd you get for your birthday? I find that's kind of an intrusive personal question, don't you? But I'm kidding. Three things. More books. I love, love, love books. I. I got a new Cozy Earth pullover and they're not paying me to say that. This is just. I'm wearing it right now. I'm not kidding when I say it's like wearing heaven. Heaven. And I got cozy earth towels because I'm a sensory freak like many of your kids. And it has to feel just so and that bamboo. Oh it's perfect and so but you can get 40% off@cozyearth.com calm use code CALM the best gift Casey Our son is planning a father son hiking trip for us this summer. So I hope it's just us hopefully tackling some huge mountain peaks and we get to spend three weeks together and I couldn't ask for anything more meaningful. So thank you for all the kind wishes, the great feedback from the birthday Black Friday sale question my 7 year old complains about things not being fair because I carry the three year old down the stairs and then she demands I do it for her. She'll scream when something doesn't go right and that triggers my fight or flight. Respond to any ideas 1. Change the expectations of yourself and your daughter. You have a lot going on. She's seven. She's supposed to be irritating at that age. Take some of the stress off of yourself and her. Enjoy her more. And a few parents have written lately and said one thing that has helped immensely with your programs is just getting perspective. Knowing it's supposed to be hard. We're not supposed to be perfect. It's normal for our home to be messy and to feed our kids Mac and cheese a few times a week. That I don't have to manage every single thing my child does. And that has freed me to actually enjoy being with my kids which has changed their behavior more than anything else. Isn't that interesting? Focus on that. Whether your child is little or 9 or 12 or 15. Enjoy them. I know they're difficult, but enjoy them. Stop caring your older daughter downstairs. Instead you can say something like this. Look, I can treat you like a three year old but that means you go to bed earlier, you don't get to eat X and you don't get all these special privileges. Or I can treat you like the older sister. See when you act more grown up you get to do more grown up things. So see if you can change from her competing with her younger sibling to create a special place place for her as the oldest one and when you talk to her, talk to her like an adult matter of fact even matter of fact tone. Especially when she's frustrated. I think you are frustrated mom. And then she gets frustrated and so it just. It just wears on your patience and I get that. Try to relax and enjoy these years little kids. Look, their job is to ruin our agenda and make messes. So lighten up on your agenda. Build time in for you know what to happen every day because it will Question. Our boys constantly try to one up each other. How can we get them to stop? So we had all these kids in our camps over the course of a decade. We called them Seven Uppers because they would boast ridiculously. So, a few thoughts. You can't really do much directly because they're just immature little kids and probably insecure, and that's why they do this. So focus on building their true talents and gifts. Give them opportunities to do jobs for older people or other adults, because when other people notice their talents, that builds confidence. Right now, it's just boys being boys. You have every right to say, you know what? That kind of makes you sound ridiculous because everybody knows it's not true. But here is what is true. And then list five great qualities. Right? You see patterns. You're amazing at chess and arguing. You can see in three dimensions and build cool stuff without even reading the directions. Which also means you'll probably get your family lost while driving and refuse to stop and ask for directions. Then beat yourself up and make the car ride tense because you wasted 20 minutes instead of saving 10 with your shortcut. You have. I had to add that. So you have a witty sense of humor because you observe people and understand human nature. And when you combine that with your big heart, man, you're going to do great things in life. See, that's not fake praise. That's just truth. And it will resonate deeply with your kids over time. Okay, what are three things you would focus on in the teen and tween years? This was a really great question from some parents who've got a son that's just getting into that time of life. So I said, look, number one, keep a close connection with your son. Be the parents who don't do drama, even though his world will be filled with drama. Be patient. Sit with him. Listen a lot, even to all the inane teen stuff. Bond over horrible music he likes. Take every opportunity to drive him places because talking in the car is fan. From playtime to bedtime. Kids lose electrolytes all day. So replace those electrolytes with Cure Kids mixes so your kids are hydrated, which our kids need to create, explore, learn best, and just be kids. We love CURE because it's clean, natural hydration. No artificial ingredients, no added sugars, no no GMOs, just natural kid approved fruit flavors they will love. And flavors like berry pomegranate that I drink twice daily. Ditch the expensive sports drinks that are loaded with sugar and food dyes and chemicals. Instead, do like we do. Keep packets of CURE with you everywhere you go, even in your kids backpacks. No need to waste time and money at gas stations or drive throughs when you can pour cure into your water anywhere. Cure is offering our listeners 20% off your first order at cure hydration.com just use promo code CALM. That's cure hydration.com code CALM for 20% off your first order. I used to wake up congested and sneezing every morning until we began using our Air Doctor Air purifier. That was three years ago. We immediately noticed reduced allergy symptoms, better sleep and cleaner air for our family. Air Doctor's powerful three stage filtration captures extremely small particles, about 100 times smaller than what typical air purifiers can remove. Air Doctor captures airborne contaminants you don't want to breathe in, dust, pollen, mold, spores, pet dander, bacteria, viruses and more. It's partially why Air Doctor won Newsweek's Reader's Choice Award for Best Air Purifier. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code CALM to get up to $300 off today. Air Doctor comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a 3 year warranty and $84 value free. Get this exclusive offer now at airdoctorpro.com using promo code CALM. So we talk all the time about giving our kids adult responsibilities and many of our kids love cooking and it's sensory, it's creative and it makes them feel grown up. So let your kids order a couple Hungry root meals every week and then they can be the chef on those nights. The Hungry root recipes are super easy. Even I can fix them and they come with the right portions so it's not overwhelming. Your kids will look forward to getting home from school and finding their Hungry Root box there. It gives them some autonomy over food and they can work for tips. Get clean, healthy meals customized for your family's preferences delivered to your door to save you precious time. You're going to love Hungryroot as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com calm use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm fantastic with teens. Occasionally have dad take him out for late night wings or to go to ihop even on a school night just to connect as father and son and enjoy each other. And you can do that. Mother and son, mother and daughter, father and daughter Number two, affirm relentlessly anything that he does well. Anything and everything. Because our kids in that age group, man, they tend to beat themselves up enough. You don't have to do that. When you do have to correct, keep it concise and direct with no emotion. Followed by an invitation to grab something to eat. Why? Because teen boys are always hungry. Again, great place. Time to bond. Number three, give your son, give your daughter opportunities to shine using their natural gifts and passions, even if it's with neighbors or other adults. Find good mentors. Because our kids tend not to listen to to their parents in the teen years, but they will listen to other adults who can encourage them and hold them accountable. And then you're going to hear this again. Enjoy him. Enjoy these years. Most of the stuff you encounter with school and grades and teen attitude don't matter in the long run. It's what I just told you with your toddlers. None of you're not going to remember any of that stuff in a couple of years because you're going to be onto, like, bigger issues. I want your kids leaving high school with a close relationship with their mom and dad, feeling positive about themselves and their place in the world. That's enough. All the other stuff will fade away. But if you've got that foundation, man, your kids are going to crush it. And you guys are awesome parents. Okay, should we allow our child to quit sports they signed up for? And I know what your concern is. If we let our child quit, are we teaching him that it's okay to quit something you started? The short answer is that it's really smart sometimes to identify when you don't like something and then move on from it quickly. Half of life is understanding what you don't want to do. Some other thoughts. Most of the kids we work with do not like team sports. They excel in individual activities like martial arts, rock climbing, ballet, swimming. So I am biased toward just saying, hey, it's good to know in life what you like and what you don't. You push through things that are worth it and that you care about, but in other things, no, you just move on. And sometimes it is the parent who thought it was a good idea to sign their child up for a sport. If that's the case and your child just hates the activity or is just naturally terrible at doing it, then that's not quitting. That's realizing you made a mistake. And it's good to rectify mistakes. You have kids with short attention spans and kids that are grazers. They like to try lots of different things, but not stick to it. So don't make big commitments. Don't lay out a lot of money until they have proven that they can overcome challenges and adversity and stick with stuff. Don't buy expensive musical instruments or hockey sticks. Most of your kids aren't going to practice, so don't freak out about that. You could even have them pay for part of their equipment if they're older. So I have no problem with using wisdom and saying, hey, we tried this. Everybody's miserable. So now on those nights we used to go to that basketball practice, we're going to be active doing something we actually enjoy. All right, this is a hard one. My child just complains all the time, and it's irritating and it sounds so ungrateful. I want you to know you're not alone. I even included an entire section on this in the updated Discipline that Works program. So I'm just going to cheat and kind of quote right from that. Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation. Then two weeks later, when grandparents who didn't go ask, hey, how was vacation? You will hear the same child say, grandma, that was like the best vacation ever. And you're going to be on the other room thinking, wait, what? What? All you did was complain the entire time. Here's what's going on. This is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life. It is best taught simply by modeling, not by obnoxious lectures. To give thanks and be grateful in the moment, model it, live it. Let them see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally expressive. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately. And it's usually overblown. They catastrophize. Great. Now the whole day is going to be ruined. Do not correct them right away or try to make it better. Do not try to explain or convince them that it's going to be okay. It's annoying, yes, but it's how they process emotions. I know this because our son is the same way. And guess where he got that trait? From me. But he is one of the most grateful people I know, so it's not a gratitude issue. I think this is a good insight. Sometimes we catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. When we say the whole day is going to be ruined and it's not, well, then that's a win. So here are some different options for Responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude and don't involve trying to fix it or make it better. You can simply ignore it and know it will pass. Perfectly fine option. You could match the intensity. You know what? That does really stink when that happens. I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation just feels good. They feel heard. Look, a couple months ago, Casey, he's a grown man, texted me about this blood test he had to do. And it meant fasting overnight and well into the next day. Plus he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning, which is gross. And he was venting and catastrophizing. I was in the gym lifting weights, I remember. And my parental anxiety was wanted to say, you know what? I don't think it's going to be that bad. But why do we have to do that? Why do we feel compelled? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? So instead I took my own advice and I just texted back, well, that really sucks. I'd hate that. And guess what? He was done venting. He just wanted someone to agree with him that it was awful. You can agree that and problem solve. You know what? That's not fair at all. So what are you going to do now? You may find out they just wanted to vent and that helps. You could double down on this just for fun and see how they respond, validate their disappointment. Oh, I hate when that happens. And then go on your own rant. You know what happened to me the other day? I waited in line for a long time following the roles and then the clerk lets see. Someone else just who seemingly walked in just cut right in front of me and I was furious. What would you do in that situation? And it may just draw them into a discussion about your issue and elicit from them a more reasonable response like, yeah, I'd be mad too, mom. But it was probably just someone who'd been there before and he had to go get something and bring it back. And in a way they will have solved their own problem by thinking about yours. Give that a shot sometime. I like this one a lot. For after school and on vacation. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes. It is an arbitrary number. I like it because it's between 5 and 10. It's very specific, which means there's a clear end to it and it can be very grounding for kids. So I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything that you do not like about your day at school or about this vacation. You, you can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to make it better. We good. See, that gives them an opportunity to vent, but within your boundaries and with a clear endpoint. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting unless something really emotionally important happened or. Right, like there's a relationship issue or they're getting bullied. You have every right to say, hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out by talking, but not everybody wants to hear about it. And you can say this and the world doesn't revolve around you. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me. I would at some point ask this, hey, I'm curious. Are you really unhappy or this miserable, or is this just how you process disappointment? See, what I am most passionate about is I want our kids to understand their very nature, how their brains work. Because then they just know, like, oh, I'm not just a negative jerk who complains. It's like, no, this is the way I process. Then they can begin to learn to process in different ways. And I want you to understand their nature so you can work with their nature instead of focusing, fighting it and having so many power struggles all the time. So I encourage you moms and dads, I hope you found this podcast helpful. I encourage you continue working on yourself, break the generational patterns. It's a final few days of the Black Friday and March sale. So take advantage of that because you'll have insight into your kids. And I'm going to answer one more question, but it's personal. It's about the ads. It runs. So you can hang up now, move on with your day. Thank you for subscribing to the podcast, for sharing it. So people ask about the ads and how it all works. And I know, look, I'm an avid podcast listener and I know ads can be irritating and annoying, and I used to feel the same way until they start advertising on the podcast. And then I realized, okay, I'm getting all this free content, really good stuff. I can listen to a few ads. So we had recorded well over 300 episodes for years before we had any advertisers at all. And it wasn't even kind of on our radar. It was just like, hey, I'm going to provide this What I hope is unique content for strong willed kids. It's very helpful. And then the audience grew and so advertisers became interested and began reaching out to us. So I talk to and approve every sponsor we have. And what I can tell you is I like the people that I work with. I write my own ads. We use these products. I actually both, both of us use one skin. Like, I know I'm an older guy, but I'm using that. I really actually like it. Super easy to use. And I was at the doctor last week and it's my first time seeing she said, you have really nice skin. So I sent her to One Skin for that. And Mrs. Calm loves Happy Mammoth products because she's a real stickler for the ingredients. We won't use anything that has really bad ingredients. Kind of why we like Hungry Root is because those ingredients are just really good. And we do. I drink my AG1 every day and I don't care what anybody else does. I love my AG1 and you've heard me talk about Cozy Earth. Even if they stopped advertising, I would tell you about Cozy Earth because I love these shirts and my new towels. So look, you don't have to listen to the ads I make. I do appreciate it, but you don't have to. Right? I hate when podcasts are like, oh, please listen. Our podcast is dependent on you listening. It's like, no, it's not. I recorded 300 episodes before I had anybody supporting me. I want you to know I make one and a half cents approximately for every ad that you listen to. So I appreciate you listening. Okay. I hope that made sense. If you ever have questions about stuff and how we do it, we're not a big organization. We're a family. So feel free to reach out to us and I'll pretty much answer any question that you have because we're a family just like you. All right, love you. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with a name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.