How to Discipline Without Anger

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: How to Discipline Without Anger
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: June 11, 2023

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "How to Discipline Without Anger," Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves into effective parenting strategies aimed at disciplining strong-willed children without resorting to anger or damaging relationships. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers practical, honest, and engaging advice to help parents navigate power struggles and foster harmonious family dynamics.

---

Addressing a Listener's Question

Timestamp: [01:20]

Kirk begins the episode by addressing a thoughtful question posed by a young father at a conference in New York. The father expressed gratitude for the discipline his own father provided but struggles to implement similar discipline without anger, leading him to avoid disciplining altogether and leaving it to his wife.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "I was raised by a dad who disciplined us and kind of that old school my way or the highway approach. And I'm thankful now for the discipline he imparted into my life. But I'd like to do that without the anger and without the broken relationship."

This sets the stage for a deeper exploration of disciplining effectively without emotional outbursts.

---

Rethinking the Purpose of Having Children

Timestamp: [03:21]

Kirk challenges parents to reflect on their motivations for having children and the expectations they hold.

Kirk Martin [03:21]: "Why did you have kids in the first place? Did you think you’d have little humans who listen to you all the time and always make the right decisions?"

He emphasizes that children, like adults, make mistakes and require guidance rather than unrealistic expectations. This reflection encourages parents to align their parenting approach with the true purpose of nurturing and teaching.

---

Redefining Discipline

Timestamp: [04:43]

Kirk shifts the common understanding of discipline from punishment to teaching, highlighting the etymology of the word.

Kirk Martin [04:43]: "Discipline literally means to teach. It’s where we get our word 'disciple,' which means we show and model how to live and treat others by modeling it for them and showing them."

He critiques traditional disciplinary methods that focus on correcting behavior through consequences and highlights how such approaches can lead to feelings of shame and damaged self-esteem in children.

---

From Disciplinarian to Giver of Wisdom and Tools

Timestamp: [07:00]

Kirk shares his personal transformation from seeing himself as the chief disciplinarian to becoming a provider of wisdom and practical tools.

Kirk Martin [07:00]: "I changed from my job is to be the chief disciplinarian of our home to I'm the giver of wisdom and tools."

This paradigm shift emphasizes understanding the root causes of a child's behavior and addressing them constructively rather than solely focusing on punitive measures.

---

Practical Example: Handling Casey's Attitude

Timestamp: [12:40]

Using his son Casey as an example, Kirk illustrates how to apply his approach in real-life scenarios. When Casey displayed a disrespectful tone, instead of reacting with anger or immediate consequences, Kirk chose to understand the underlying emotions.

Kirk Martin [14:00]: "Casey, I'm seeing this pattern here. Every time that you talk to me with that tone, what it tells me is you're either anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry right now."

By addressing the behavior calmly and seeking to understand Casey's feelings, Kirk was able to offer wisdom and tools to help his son manage his emotions better.

---

Introducing Tools and Modeling Behavior

Timestamp: [16:25]

Kirk outlines specific strategies to discipline without anger, emphasizing the importance of giving children space and modeling the desired behavior.

Kirk Martin [16:25]: "One of our tools is space. Motion changes emotion. You go grab that, I'll grab this. I'll meet you in a different place."

He also highlights the significance of being curious about a child's feelings and experiences to foster a supportive environment.

Kirk Martin [17:26]: "I'm curious what's going on? See, I'm curious is I'm coming alongside of you to help you so you don't keep doing things that hurt you."

By adopting a problem-solving approach and collaborating with children, parents can build stronger, more trusting relationships.

---

Closing Advice and Call to Action

Timestamp: [20:31]

Kirk concludes the episode by encouraging parents to implement his strategies for one week, focusing on observation, curiosity, and problem-solving instead of traditional discipline.

Kirk Martin [20:31]: "For one week, I want you to try this. Start talking to your kids even matter of fact tone. Talk to them like they're a business colleague."

He underscores the importance of connection over punishment, stating that relationships, not consequences, drive behavioral change.

Kirk Martin [22:59]: "Consequences don't really change behavior. Connection relationships change behavior."

Kirk invites listeners to reach out for further support and to explore the Calm Parenting Package, which offers extensive resources and practical tools for effective parenting.

---

Key Takeaways

1. Shift the Focus of Discipline: Move from being a disciplinarian to a provider of wisdom and practical tools.
2. Understand the Root Causes: Address underlying emotions and situations that lead to challenging behaviors.
3. Model Desired Behavior: Demonstrate the behaviors you wish to see in your children through your actions.
4. Foster Connection: Build strong, trusting relationships to naturally guide and influence your child's behavior.
5. Adopt a Problem-Solving Approach: Engage with your children by being curious and collaborative rather than punitive.

By embracing these principles, parents can discipline effectively without anger, fostering a positive and supportive environment that encourages growth and mutual respect.

---

For more resources and personalized support, visit www.celebratecalm.com or email Casey at [e-mail].

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

Hey moms and dads, don't you just.

[Skylight Calendar Ad]

Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H t c a l.com calm.

[Kirk Martin]

So I'm speaking at a conference in New York and this young dad asked a really great question. He said, I was raised by a dad who disciplined us and kind of that old school my way or the highway approach. And I'm thankful now for the discipline he imparted into my life. But I'd like to do that without the anger and without the broken relationship. It's really cool how he phrased that, right? He said, I find myself angry and so if I can't discipline without anger, then I just don't do anything and I let my wife do it. So how can I discipline without the anger? And that's a really well crafted question and that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help with anything, reach out to our son Casey C A S e [e-mail] Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We talk about the situation. We will reply to you personally directly with very practical tools because that's our mission. So let's begin answering this question. But I want to start conceptually. You know that I have a very distinct desire approach of I like just hopping into the very practical. Here's how you do it. But I think. But I want to start with some thought experiments here and get to the big picture first. And this is a real. Before we drill down into specifics. So number one, why did you have kids in the first place? And I find myself asking parents this because, like, well, my kids are just doing this and it's so hard. I was like, what were you expecting? Did you have kids because you thought that you would just have these little, these little humans running around? They're just going to listen to you all the time and do the right thing and always make the right decision, you know, live how you don't.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Because you don't make the right decisions every day. You and I continually mess up. We don't give our best effort to everything we do. We give our best effort to certain things, the right things. But you have expectations of your kids that you don't hold yourself to. True.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And so why did you have kids in the first place?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And did you decide to have a child so that during this child's first 18 years on Earth, you could walk around hounding that child, pointing out every single thing they do wrong or every single thing they don't do to your exact expectations or specifications the way you do it or the way you want them to do it? Did you have a child so you could live on edge, always needing to jump in and correct that child? It's one of my favorite terms. I just need to correct my child. And then you ask like, well, my child doesn't like being corrected. Who does?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Like, come on. And so, right. And you feel like you always have to correct that child and send them to the room and be continually frustrated with them. Is that what you signed up for? Because that's what happens, right? That's what this is devolved into with the strong willed child. And see, once you are exasperated and frustrated, you can't discipline well, you can't discipline correctly because you're on edge and you're angry. And I have another thought experiment. And this is for my more religious friends or Christian friends or maybe formerly religious friends. Consider this thought experiment. Imagine you are God and you're contemplating the creation of mankind. Is this your thought? Hey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to breathe my very life and being into the souls of these little creatures of my creation. And then for their entire lives on Earth, I'm going to continually keep my eyes on them, pointing out every single time they don't live up to my expectations. I'm going to make them feel guilty for being flawed. I'm going to shame them for their stupid mistakes, and I'm going to punish them for missing the mark and generally just be frustrated with and disapprove of their actions continually. Yeah, that sounds about right. Right, Because a lot of us have that conception and that bleeds into our parenting. Or do you think that a creator's thoughts would or could be this? I'm going to breathe my very essence into these flawed children and constantly shower my love on them, enjoy them in all their imperfection, guide them, teach them, encourage them when they do things that hurt themselves or others. And I'm ultimately going to build a trusting relationship with them so I can actually enjoy them. Right, but you don't actually believe that because most of us grew up with the former thought. And so this ends up being your default paradigm for parenting your kids. Here's what it is. Thought number two. Well, my job is to discipline my child. Isn't it interesting that that becomes the overriding thought for so many of us, including me?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

That's what it was for me. My job as the dad is to instill discipline because I don't want you to grow up and make the same mistakes I made. It's actually a noble goal, but it begins to subsume or override the real job we have, which is to love and encourage and enjoy our kids. I want you to really think about that, because along the way, what really changed our family is I change my focus from this on the disciplinarian of the family.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

By the way, when you hear I'm the disciplinarian, does that ever conjure up any image other than that of a harsh, rigid mom or dad wielding the belt or sharp words?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

So I changed from my job is to be the chief disciplinarian of our home to I'm the giver of wisdom and tools. I am the giver of wisdom. I'm the giver of tools. So, number three, our definition of discipline is almost always wrong or misguided. We think we need to correct and punish and give consequences. But discipline literally means to teach. It's where we get our word to disciple, which means we show and model how to live and treat others by modeling it for them and showing them. And I would add, by patiently doing this. See, if my idea of discipline is to correct a child's errant ways, it usually just stops at barking consequences, telling them, cut it out, stop doing that. And getting angry and frustrated them, which isn't teaching it's just parenting out of frustration. What do I have to do to get through to you? You can't continue to do this. How many times do I have to tell you that's just frustration? I'm not teaching anything. It's really just instilling shame.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And creating more failure.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because that's why your kids start to say, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, nobody likes me. Because we kind of end up reinforcing that. But here's what my focus becomes. Son, daughter, you're misguided in your actions, and that's hurting yourself.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Look, you're at discipline. Good discipline is you're advocating for the child, for the child's best interest, not what's most convenient for you.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[AG1 Ad]

Cut that out.

[Kirk Martin]

Because I'm trying to enjoy our day.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Sometimes, if we're honest, that's what it's about. I'm advocating for the best interests of my child because when my child messes up, he or she is usually hurting himself or herself. Right? When my son was yelling, right? Yelling at my wife, yelling at his mom, right? He ends up losing all of his stuff. Right? That doesn't.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

So son or daughter, you're misguided in your actions, and that's hurting yourself and others. And when you hurt other people, guess what happens? You feel guilt, doesn't feel good, and it hurts relationships. So again, that hurts you as well. So I want to give you wisdom so you understand why you are doing that. And then I'm going to give you tools to show you a different way. And then I will reinforce those lessons by modeling those very attributes on a daily basis myself in how I treat your mom or dad, how I treat you and your siblings and neighbors and other people on the roads and politicians and people I do disagree with politically.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I'm going to give you wisdom, I'm going to give you tools, and I'm going to model that. See, that teaches kids, that instills things into them, right?

[AG1 Ad]

So let's geek out together for a.

[Kirk Martin]

Minute over Gut Health, because I'm really into this.

[AG1 Ad]

I just learned that prebiotics are the.

[Kirk Martin]

Food that help fuel the growth of.

[AG1 Ad]

Healthy bacteria, the probiotics in your gut. So you have to have both. And that's why AG1 helps my digestion, calms my stomach, and keeps me regular. Look, I've loved my morning AG1 routine for years, long before AG1 became a.

[Kirk Martin]

Wonderful partner to the podcast. It's a quick, easy win because I.

[AG1 Ad]

Start my day with 75 vitamins. Probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients.

[Kirk Martin]

I just don't have that stomach distress anymore where that bloating, you know, that.

[AG1 Ad]

Kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus my weight is down.

[Kirk Martin]

I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag One right now while I'm recording this and I think.

[AG1 Ad]

You should as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift.

[Kirk Martin]

When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and.

[AG1 Ad]

K2, which I love, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to be kind to your gut. When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing Trees and they helped us get the exact privacy in flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growing trees.com using the code CALM fast growing trees.com calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

[Kirk Martin]

Let me give you a few examples and some more principles here. So I'll give you just this quick example. Casey with attitude. So Casey's about 10, 11, 12. He comes to me with that tone. And you all know that tone, right? It's disrespectful. It's kind of full of himself. And you have every right to discipline, son. You're not going to talk to me like that to your room for the rest of your life because that's basically what it becomes, right? Just go to your room. Get away from me. You calm down. I'll calm down, right? Instead, one day I stepped back and I physically stepped backwards because body posture is really important. And also learning how to calm myself and give kids space, right? Instead of stepping into them, I stepped back and I said, hey, Case, listen. And notice the tone of voice here. Even matter of fact. Listen, Casey, I've noticed this the last 43 times that you've used that tone with me. Because here's what I'm setting up. There's a pattern I'm seeing here. Casey, I'm seeing this pattern here. Every time that you talk to me with that tone, what it tells me is you're either anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry right now. Look, I'm giving him wisdom. He already knows that talking to me with that tone is wrong. He already knows that.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Your kids know that from a young age. They know that stealing is wrong, lying is wrong. They know all those things are wrong.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

So you don't have to, like always.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

It's not discipline to give them a consequence for that. They already know they did that. That's why they lie about it, because they know it's wrong. Casey knew that using attitude with us was wrong. I didn't need to point that out. I can't believe that you would talk to me like that. What good does that do? I'm just taking it personally. Right. By the way, it would be weird if your teenagers didn't occasionally have some attitude. I would think they were up to something if they were always, mother, father, what kind of wisdom would you like to give me today? I'm all ears.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That's what that would be. Weird. So when I stepped back and I decided I'm the giver of wisdom, and so I gave some wisdom to say, Case, I noticed this pattern that when you use this tone of voice, you can use it with your child. Hey, when you're picking on your siblings, it's usually because you're not feeling good about yourself. You're down on yourself. Something happened at school, you got picked on at school, so now you're taking out on your brother or sister. See, I'm giving him wisdom so he understands why he's doing that.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because that is hurting his relationship with me. It is hurting him because if he uses that kind of tone with me, I'm not going to take him and get him things right. So, wisdom. Now I start to give him tools, and I can be firm in my discipline. Let me just do. Hey, Case, so you've got two options right now. Notice the tone of voice. I'm not angry. I can't believe that you would talk to me like this. I'm just letting. No, here's how I roll. Two options. Number one, son, you continue to talk to me like that, and you're just going to lose all your stuff. It's just not going to. It's just not going to end well for you. See, there's no energy in that. I'm not taking it personally, and I'm not making it personal either. Please stop that. It's wounding to kids. It hurts them. It will crush your relationship. I don't have to say, you know what? You always use that tone. You know what? If you're going to use that tone in life with people, you're never going to be successful. You're going to end up being rejected by everybody. It's not helpful, right? So, son, you may continue to talk to me. It's not gonna. Look, it's not gonna work well for you. I'm giving him wisdom there. It's wisdom. I'm just reading this situation. This is how it works, right? I'm not making it personal. But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll meet you in the basement, and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. See, now I'm giving him some tools.

[Casey Martin]

Hey.

[Kirk Martin]

Because one of our tools is space. Motion changes emotion. You go grab that, I'll grab this. I'll meet you in a different place. Those are tools to calm down. And now I'm modeling. Look, I'm modeling the very attribute I want him to follow, which is I'm being patient with another person who's not necessarily treating me very well. And I am inviting him into conversation. I'm inviting him into problem solving. I'm inviting him into relationship with me instead of go to your room. Nothing wrong with that. But it's not ideal. Instead, it's, hey, son, there's something going on with you right now, and I want to give you wisdom so you understand why you're doing that. Then I'm going to show you a different way to handle it. And I'm going to model in this situation, not losing it and not getting upset and then turning around telling you, you. You need to learn how to calm yourself down.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So watch when I'm doing this. When I meet my son back for chips and salsa, or a little kid we're building with Legos on the floor, or we're kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Now I get to problem solve with him. Hey, Case, look, you're using that tone. I'm curious what was going on. Watch. I'm curious. You know, I know that, you know, talking to Me like that, hitting your sister, lying, whatever it is, I know that you know doing that behavior, I know you know that's wrong. I also know that you know when you do that, it hurts you. It's not good for you. So I'm curious what's going on that would lead you to use that tone with me? What's going on? Something happened at school today. Are you frustrated about something? See, now I'm getting to the root of it, right? I'm getting to the root so we can actually problem solve. And I'm not taking it personally. And so then when he's like, dad, I'm just really frustrated because of X, Y or Z or I'm anxious because you signed me up for this thing and I don't really want to go. And now I get to impart wisdom, son. Totally get that. Casey, If I were you, I'd probably be a little bit anxious, too, about this new thing that you're doing, right? It's normal to be anxious when you go to new places and try new activities because you don't know if you're going to do it well. You don't know how it works. Perfectly normal, son. So, son, here's what I've found in life. When I try new things, I tend to go to the new place a little bit early. And then I oftentimes like to go to whoever's in charge and say, hey, I'm going to be in your class. Can I help you with anything? Do you need any help with anything? Because sometimes they'll give me a job to do, and I like doing jobs because I'm really good at doing jobs. And it takes the focus off my own anxiety. And that way I get a personal relationship. I've connected personally with the person who's in charge of this event or this activity, and that calms me down and that relieves my anxiety. So watch how this works. Some child comes to you with an attitude or doing something, you know what? How many times have I told you? You can't talk to me like that. You need to stop doing that. Stop treating your sister like that. You cut it up, go to your room. All those things in. Instead of that, it's, hey, listen, I've noticed a pattern here. Here's probably what's going on. So you've got a couple options. If you keep doing that, it's just not going to end well for you. But here's what I'd like to do right now. Will you come help me out with that? And sometimes you Just go for a drive. Sometimes you ask them for help doing something because sometimes kids like doing a mission. You're not telling them, calm down right now. Fix that. I'm de escalating things. And now I'm with my child and now I can get to the root. And I love the phrase I'm curious. Curious what's going on? See, I'm curious is I'm coming alongside of you to help you so you don't keep doing things that hurt you. Traditional discipline is I'm going to stand above you and over you and tell you to cut it out or I'm going to take things away from you. Got it?

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm coming alongside. And so I want you to practice that this week because there's no anger. I'm not making it personal. I'm not angry at you, Casey. I'm just letting you know this is going to work well, right? This is going to work. But here's what would work and I'll show you a different way. So let me close with this. For one week, I want you to try this, right? Start talking to your kids. Even matter of fact tone. Even talk to them like they're a business colleague, right? Because you don't walk around your office like yelling and screaming at people like you do to your kids. If you do, you're. You're a jerk, right? Nobody likes you at the office. It doesn't work at the office. You talk rationally with them and you problem solve when things go wrong. So I want you to try that for one week. Simply do this. Walk into situations and sit down and observe them before you speak. Sit and watch. Just observe and then start asking questions and be curious and problem solve if you want to. If you want to take discipline to. Instead of discipline, you could do it as I give wisdom and tools. You could be. Let's substitute the word problem solve instead of discipline, right? I'm going to walk around and I'm going to teach my kids how to problem solve different situations. See, for the guys out there, that might be a really helpful paradigm because we like to problem solve, we like to fix stuff. So instead of fixing your kids and fixing the situation, let's teach them how to problem solve. Let's teach them how to fix these things themselves. See, now I get to be a teacher, right? Impart your wisdom. Not just discipline. Sit and observe. And for one week. This is for the dads especially, but moms too only notice the things that they're already doing well. See, consequences don't really Change behavior. Connection relationships change behavior. So change your focus from being the chief disciplinarian in a home to being that mom or dad who is the giver of wisdom and tools, who teaches and shows a different way, patiently, who affirms, knows everything your child is doing well. Plant a lot of little seeds and see what happens. If you need help with this, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com and he'll help you out. Go to the website celebratecalm.com look, it's very simple to me. I would get the calm parenting package. It's 30 hours worth of instruction with an entire series on how to do this, how to discipline while building that connection.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

It's for the price of one trip to a therapist's office, but you get all the practical tools. Or if you want to get the entire package, go ahead and get that. It's worth it because it will change your family if we can help you reach out to us. Thank you for listening to this podcast. I hope it was practical. I hope it challenges your thinking and also equips you and gives you tools to do it a little bit differently. And thanks for passing along the podcast to others. You guys are good parents. You know why you're listening to a parenting podcast means you want to be a better parent. You're already good parents. So let's just practice these things this coming week and watch how your kids respond differently to. It's really cool. All right, love you all. Talk to you soon.

[Casey Martin]

Bye.