How To Restrict Phone Usage With Your Kids

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary

Episode: How To Restrict Phone Usage With Your Kids
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: April 2, 2023

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Introduction to the Issue

In this episode, Kirk Martin addresses a critical concern facing many modern families: uncontrolled phone usage among children. He recognizes the multifaceted problems that excessive screen time can cause, including mood swings, constant household conflicts, and a general sense of being "held hostage" by technology.

Understanding the Problem

Kirk begins by painting a vivid picture of the impact of unrestricted phone use:

"You unwittingly handed them an addictive device at the height of their social insecurity and their impulsivity..." ([01:55])

He emphasizes that phones can dictate children's moods and behaviors, leading to a deteriorating family dynamic characterized by endless fights and power struggles.

Core Principles for Restricting Phone Usage

Kirk outlines several foundational principles to guide parents in addressing this issue:

1. Act with Compassion:

   "This is something you are doing for your child. This not to them, right?... It's the compassionate thing to do for your child." ([06:45])

2. Maintain Firmness Without Negotiation:

   "This is not a negotiation. Your child doesn't really get a say in this." ([10:58])

3. Establish Non-Negotiable Rules:

   "No phone usage at the dinner table ever. No phones at dinner. This is our family rule." ([09:30])

4. Acknowledge the Importance of Social Connection:

   "Do not minimize how important the phone is to your preteen and teenager..." ([10:10])

5. Model Behavior as Parents:

   "Hey, mom and I have noticed we are on our phones way too much... we're going to make some changes as a family." ([17:34])

Strategies and Action Steps

Kirk provides a step-by-step framework for parents to effectively limit their children's phone usage:

1. Determine Clear Boundaries:
   Set specific times when phone usage is restricted, such as turning off devices by 9 PM on weeknights and 10 PM on weekends.

   "I just messed that up and I'm not rerecording this podcast because I'm 12 minutes in... Phones off in the house by 9pm on weeknights and 10pm on weekends." ([15:44])

2. Implement Screen-Free Times:
   Dedicate a specific hour each evening to be screen-free, encouraging alternative activities like board games or outdoor play.

   "Every night from 7 to 8pm, no screens. Instead, we sit around bored... but eventually, you end up finding some fun stuff." ([16:23])

3. Use Parental Controls:
   Utilize built-in phone features to restrict app access, limit screen time, and block specific websites.

   "Put parental controls on your child's phone. Control access to which websites they visit and restrict total hours spent on the phone." ([17:05])

4. Communicate Transparently:
   Frame the conversation around family-wide changes to reduce screen dependency, fostering a sense of collective responsibility.

   "Hey, mom and I have noticed we are on our phones way too much... we want to make some changes as a family." ([19:45])

5. Prepare for Resistance:
   Acknowledge that children may react negatively, but remain steadfast in enforcing the new rules.

   "Your child will freak out, they'll yell for days... but that's why we have to do this." ([05:30])

Handling Resistance and Emotional Reactions

Kirk anticipates and advises on managing the inevitable emotional backlash from children when phone restrictions are imposed:

• Expect Anger and Defiance:

  "If you think that destroying things around the house will somehow cause me to cower and to give in and give this back to you, know that it will actually have the opposite effect." ([20:10])

• Stay Firm Yet Compassionate:

  "Let them be angry and mad at us for a few days. Fume about how unfair it is... but then let's problem solve like adults." ([20:30])

• Avoid Blame and Guilt:
  Kirk stresses the importance of not using a punitive tone, but rather communicating the necessity of the change for the child's well-being.

  "No snotty tone... we're going to do this because it's compassionate and the right thing to do." ([06:00])

Replacing Phone Time with Purposeful Activities

To redirect children’s energy away from screens, Kirk recommends engaging them in activities that align with their interests and talents:

• Introduce Missions and Projects:
  Encourage children to take up missions or projects they are passionate about, fostering a sense of purpose.

  "Replace that screen dependence with purposeful missions and projects that your kids are curious about." ([03:50])

• Provide Mentorship:
  Having a mentor or another adult to guide them can make these activities more engaging and fulfilling.

  "Find a mission, fill that time and space with something they can throw their energy into with a mentor of some kind." ([27:19])

Conclusion and Further Resources

Kirk concludes by reiterating the importance of taking decisive action to restrict phone usage for the sake of family harmony and the child's well-being. He encourages parents to reach out for personalized support through Celebrate Calm.

"Take the principles we talked about in this podcast and apply it to your own situation. If we can help you in any way, please let us know." ([27:50])

For additional support and resources, listeners are invited to visit celebratecalm.com and explore the Control Screens program, designed to help parents manage their children's phone usage effectively.

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Key Takeaways

• Recognize the Impact: Unrestricted phone use can harm children’s mental health and disrupt family relationships.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establish specific rules about when and where phones can be used.
• Communicate Openly: Transparently discuss the reasons for restrictions with your children.
• Be Consistent and Firm: Maintain your stance even in the face of resistance to reinforce that these measures are for their benefit.
• Provide Alternatives: Engage children in meaningful activities to reduce their reliance on screens.
• Seek Support: Utilize resources and support systems like Celebrate Calm to navigate this challenge effectively.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• "This is something you are doing for your child... It's the compassionate thing to do for your child." ([06:45])
  — Kirk Martin

• "Do not minimize how important the phone is to your preteen and teenager..." ([10:10])
  — Kirk Martin

• "Hey, mom and I have noticed we are on our phones way too much... we want to make some changes as a family." ([17:34])
  — Kirk Martin

• "Your child will freak out, they'll yell for days... but that's why we have to do this." ([05:30])
  — Kirk Martin

• "Find a mission, fill that time and space with something they can throw their energy into with a mentor of some kind." ([27:19])
  — Kirk Martin

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By following Kirk Martin’s comprehensive strategies and maintaining a compassionate yet firm approach, parents can effectively manage their children's phone usage, fostering healthier relationships and better emotional well-being within the family.

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

So here's the blunt question. What do you do if you have a child whose phone usage is out of control? It's changing his or her moods, it's causing constant conflict in your home, and it often feels like you're held hostage to this technology, this device, and you can't quite figure out what to do. Well, that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you have any struggles, reach out to our son, Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com and tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We discuss it as a family. We reply to you personally and usually very quickly because our mission is to help you. So let us know how we can do this. So this podcast is going to skew slightly to older kids, right? Kids who have an iPhone or a cell phone. But I encourage those of you with younger kids to listen so you can avoid this scenario playing out in your home at all costs. Because it's not fun. It can actually be really destructive. If you have younger kids, I would encourage you to do what it takes now to reduce your child's reliance on screens. And that means changing your lifestyle. It means leading your kids outside. Look, when we were kids, our Parents were like, go outside. They'd even have to tell us, we went outside, we knew what to do outside. We had freedom to roam the neighborhood, be gone all day, not come home till dinner time. Your kids don't know how to do that. And so you're going to have to lead them. It's going to take some energy. But we want to replace that screen dependence with purposeful missions and projects that your kids are curious about. I know it's hard. There's no blame, there's no guilt for any of this. It is really hard. Hard and is so easy sometimes just to give the tablet, the screen to a child because it keeps them occupied and satisfied and content. And then a lot of our kids who are on the spectrum, that predictability of the screen, something they can control, is a lot easier than managing unknowns and social interactions. So that makes it hard too, right? But I want us to be purposeful about this. And I promise you, I promise you this, you will never, when your kids are older, you will never say, you know what? I wish I would have introduced screens earlier. I wish my kids would have. But you're not going to say that, right? Remember, when you say no to one thing, you have to say yes to something else that's appropriate. So just saying like, no, you can't do that. It's like, well, what can they do? So we're not dealing with general screen usage. In this episode, I want to focus almost solely on the usage of cell phones. So let's talk about what I see as, in many ways an epidemic in modern family life. Right? And what I'm spending an increasing amount of time on during our one on one phone consultations. Is this doing an intervention to rescue kids from their phones, rescue families from this ongoing conflict and fights and stress and all the chaos it creates? See, out of a good heart and good intentions, you gave your child a cell phone so they could connect with friends. That's important to them for convenience in contacting you, maybe for safety reasons. And you thought you could use it to teach your kids how to be responsible with and also control their technology. But here's what really happened. You unwittingly, again, no blame, no guilt, you unwittingly handed them an addictive device at the height of their social insecurity and their impulsivity when their world is measured. What happens the next five minutes when their identity is being shaped and swayed by social media forces beyond our control and while their hormones are changing drastically and the result is this, their heads are constantly staring down at their phone, furiously texting their friends that are much more important than you are at this age, right? They're being exposed to literally tens of thousands of images and videos and concepts each day that whipsaw their emotions, right? Some kids are being exposed to porn and they don't know how to establish any boundaries with it, and so they can't put it down. And this device is now controlling and dictating their moods. Your kids have changed. They're less connected, more irritable. They talk back more. Your relationship, the family dynamic is now governed by this phone, and it produces endless fights. It's constant tug of war, taking it away, giving it back, taking it away, giving it back. Constant threats back and forth, right? At some point, perhaps you gave in because you just got exhausted and thought, well, at least her grades are still okay, or at least he's connecting with someone and he's not alone. It keeps him occupied and out of our hair. And I understand that. There's no blame or guilt, right? But now it's gone too far, and it's literally tearing your relationship and family apart. And you're now afraid to restrict or even take away the phone because if you do, your child will freak out, they'll yell for days, they'll give you the silent treatment. Some of them will threaten to destroy your house and perhaps even get physical with you, right? And I take that seriously. But that alone should tell you that it's gone way too far. The fact that you're afraid to do something for the protection of your own child, right? The fact that you are now held hostage by this device and it's controlling your home, that means we've got to do something about it. So you have to act now. Each family dynamic is a little bit different. This can be tougher and more delicate when both spouses aren't on the same page. Or maybe you've got a big, strong teenager being disciplined by a smaller single mom. Happens all the time. I'm just being realistic here. I've been helping parents walk through this step by step process of restricting usage of the phone and having good success with it. In some cases, we're taking the phone away altogether. Some cases we're restricting usage to certain hours. That is like, phone must be put on the kitchen counter at 10pm we're putting parental control controls on the phone. In some cases, we're removing Snapchat or TikTok from the phone. So I wanted to share with you some general principles and some specific strategies, even some scripts. So you have A template for how to do this again in a podcast. I can't get to every single different variation you have in your home, but I hope that this gives you a framework, right, for bringing this up and discussing this maybe with your spouse or with, if you're a single parent, maybe with some friends that are going through the same thing. Discuss this, right? So number one, when we're talking about restricting taking away the phone, this is what I want you to know. This is something you are doing for your child. This not to them, right? They are physically and emotionally unable to make healthy choices right now for their own good. And that's what your job is as the parent. You're doing this for them, right? Restricting phone usage or taking it away altogether. And that's all up to you. Is the compassionate thing to do for your child. This device is literally changing their personality. It is harming relationships and they're kind of helpless to change. So what you are doing for them is a compassionate thing right now, by the way, when we do this, no snotty tone. You know what? If you could have controlled it better, you could have kept it. No, that's unfair. It's unfair what we ask kids to do with something that's so addictive. So no need for the snotty tone, but we're going to do this because it's compassionate and the right thing to do. Number three, it's the right thing to do. You're not being a strict parent, you're being a responsible parent. And you know this already inside. You know it's the right thing to do, but you haven't known how to do it or you've been hesitant or maybe even afraid for good reason, right? To take the actual steps necessary because it's really hard to do. It's going to be tense, it's going to be ugly for some time, but it's the right thing to do. So I want you to consider it. Number four, you've got to have some non negotiables in your home. For example, hey, no phone usage at the dinner table ever. No, it doesn't. And that includes dad as well, right? Can't be like kids. You can't use your phone and dad's over there doing it or mom's doing it. No phones at dinner. This is our family rule, right? You only get a few minutes with your teens anyway because they come downstairs, shovel their dinner down and then ask, be excused, but have some non negotiables, right? Number five, you should not dismiss how important the phone is. To your preteen and your teenager at this age, it is critically important and natural that their social connectedness is important to them. Don't minimize it. It is important. They have a great fear of missing out on things with their friends and that's a very real consideration. So I don't want to just like dismiss it altogether.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Many, if not most of their friends are permitted to text until late at night, sometimes midnight, sometimes 2am, right? Or later. So if you make your child turn off his phone at 9pm or 10pm, then your teenager is missing out on all the fun texts that happen later at night. So when they walk into school the next day, guess what? They've missed out and that's very real to them. So don't dismiss it. Number six that said, you're the parent. This is not a negotiation. I'm fine with getting buy in and ownership. We talk about that all the time. But at the end of the day, this is not a negotiation. Your child doesn't really get a say in this.

[Podcast Co-host]

You know best.

[Kirk Martin]

You pay the bills. It is your house. Again, you are the parent and I want to give you the confidence to act as a responsible parent now. 7. Some of this depends on how well the child is handling school, everyday life and his or her phone, right? Is your child involved in sports or drama club or an extracurricular? How is his or her attitude overall?

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

If your child is generally handling life and school pretty well, then you can give a little leeway if you want, as long as that continues, right? But if your child's grades and attitude are suffering, then you need to be more restrictive. This also depends on your relationship with your child. I don't know any way to say this, but this, to be blunt, if you have been an overbearing dad, for example, could be bomb, but I'm going to use dads because I'm a man. If you've been an overbearing dad who is always on your child pointing out what's wrong and not what's right, if you haven't bonded over something and there is a deep seated anger or resentment between you, then you should work on that first before initiating a difficult conversation. The relationship comes first. So here are some potential action steps. Honestly, I'd wait until the weekend to begin this process so you have time so you're not rushed and you can deal with the inevitable fallout of what's going to happen.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Lately I've actually dedicated parts of weekends to walking parents through this in real time because it is a hard thing.

[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Podcast Co-host]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

So number one, I'd encourage you determine exactly what you want.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

We want to restrict phone usage to these hours and have the phone off by 9pm on weekends, weeknights and 10pm on weeknights. I just messed that up and I'm not rerecording this podcast because I'm 12 minutes in, so let me repeat that. So one of our goals may be, let's restrict phone usage to these particular hours. And we want the phones off in the house by 9pm on weeknights and 10pm on weekends. Depends on the age of the kid, right? It could be 10 and 11pm I don't know. That's up to you.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Screen free time for one hour every evening. Do you want to enforce that? I've done that with some families. Hey, every night from 7 to 8pm, no screens. Instead, we sit around bored, looking at each other like, what did we used to do before we had phones? But eventually, you know what happens? You end up finding some fun stuff. You end up playing board games. I know your kids are gonna be like, you know why they call it board games? Because they're boring.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Or you get yourself outside or you play games, you find some different things. Not recommending that, although it's a great idea. It's up to you what you do, right? Some of you, you need to put parental controls on your child's phone.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Part of that is controlling access to which websites they visited, Right. Some of it is so you can automatically restrict the total number of hours spent on the phone.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

You can do that.

[Podcast Co-host]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

From certain apps, Right. Some of you may want to take away the phone completely for a period of time.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And I know, look, your child's not going to like this. No child, and very few humans want to be held accountable. But the truth is, it's for their own good, and that's why they have parents.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

So I just want you to know this little side note. If you put parental controls and you can see what websites are on, don't freak out, right? Be realistic about it. Know that some of your kids are going to go to sites that are places where you don't want them to go. But now you know, and you can have an honest discussion about how it's normal to be curious about certain things when you become a teenager. And that's for a separate discussion. But again, it's the same process. If you have that discussion but you're curious about it, you don't get them to shut down. Number two, you may want to frame the entire discussion this way. I like this a lot. Hey, dad. Or mom and I have noticed we are on our phones way too much. Even as adults, we find ourselves distracted. We've got our heads down way too much. So we want to make some changes as a family. And we're wondering, how could we actually do that? How could mom and I, dad and I, how could we stop being on screen so much right now? Look, ultimately, it's your decision as the parents, but it would be really good if your kids have a little bit of insight into how to do this that gives them some ownership so you could continue on. It may sound like this. Look, son, daughter, we need to apologize to you. We put something in your hands that is highly addictive, and we expected you to somehow have control over it. That was wrong of us. We set you up for failure. By the way, side note, that takes away the snottiness of. You know what, if you would have learned how to control your phone, we wouldn't have to do that, right? Or we wouldn't have to do this. You're changing around. Like, no, I apologize to you. I handed this thing to you before you were ready. It doesn't matter what your motivation was. We did it, and now it's controlling you. And our expectations were wrong, and we set you up for failure. And now this thing we gave you is dictating your moods, your personality, our relationship, and our home life. We fight constantly, and that doesn't feel good for anyone. Look, you're just speaking the truth now. They won't want to admit it, but they know it's true. We have also noticed that we, as the parents, have allowed our phones to control us too much. Heads are in screens. We're distracted. Look, I'm anxious because I look at my Twitter feed all the time. It's intruding on my own life and happiness. So here's what we are doing as parents, right? Like, no phone at dinner. Mom and I are going to have an hour of screen free time every evening where we get to talk and connect and interact, right? And I'm going to close one of my social media accounts. I'm going to shut down my Facebook or my. My Twitter. I'd encourage you. You lead in this because you probably struggle as well. Why? Because everybody does. It's really hard. So here are some different options. Because your phone is wreaking havoc in your life and affecting your grades and relationships, we're going to take the phone away for a period of X number of weeks. Totally up to you. How many weeks or months or. Or altogether now, cue a World War three meltdown. You're going to get about. They're not going to be like, mom, dad, thank you for doing what's right. I appreciate that you have the courage to do that. What none of my friends, parents have.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

They're not, they're not going to like this, right? Or you could say, from now on, if you want to use your phone, we are going to require that you have parental controls on your phone. And if you keep taking them off or refuse, we will simply cut off service. This is non negotiable. Of course they're going to try to negotiate. Of course they're going to take those parental controls off your phone. And you have to, have to, have to do what you said you were going to do and call Verizon or your phone company and say, we do not need that line anymore ending in 7907. Cut it off. You have to be willing to do the hard work and put up with all that's coming your way. It could be, from now on, no phones ever at the dinner table. And your phone must be turned over every night at 9pm sharp or 10pm or 8pm, whatever you want, without exception on the kitchen counter where we can see it. And by the way, for the parents, if you have to, if you need to take all the phones, lock them up in a safe, put them in a place up in your room because otherwise you're just inviting your kids to sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and get their phone, right? Let's continue with this. You have every right to be angry and mad at us for putting you in this situation. I expect you to be furious, expect you to be mad about it. Look, I'm okay with you calling me names, saying how unfair it is that we don't understand how important your phone is. You have every right to do that. But if you think that threatening us or destroying things around the house will help you get this phone back, know that it will have the opposite effect. It will prove to us that we were right, that this device is controlling you instead of you controlling it. And there will be zero chance for you to get it back. So I want you to think before you make any rash decisions. Look, your kids, some of them are going to freak out. They are highly dependent on this and now they're wondering, like, how can I connect with my girlfriend and all of my friends? And all those things are very legitimate thoughts that they're having and they're going to react badly around it towards you. But I do want to set that out right away. If you think that destroying things around the house will somehow cause me to cower and to give in and give this back to you, son, daughter, I want you to know it will actually have the exact opposite effect. You will have proved that you're not in control of this. Look what this is doing. You're threatening to hurt, hurt us. You're threatening to destroy things over an electronic device. Now, if you refuse to hand it over to us, that's not going to work either. We'll cancel our service plan. So be angry and mad at us for a few days. Fume about how unfair it is, but then let's problem solve like adults. Truth is, your kids are going to be furious and they're going to threaten you in some manner, probably they're going to withhold kindness and respect from you. It's going to be ugly, but it's the right and compassionate thing to do. It's your responsibility as a parent. Again, no blame and no guilt doesn't mean you have to rush out and do it right now. Okay? But this is usually how it ends up working out. After a few days detoxing from their phones and the constant messages and images, their nervous system will begin to relax again, right? These are kids who all of a sudden, life had exposure to all of these images and messages in their face, in their hand, 16 hours a day. And so they become on high alert. And I won't go into everything it does, but they'll begin to relax again. They'll usually become a little bit more pleasant, less stressed, less combative. I'm not going to promise you that they're going to thank you for rescuing them, but they will be grateful to a degree inside because they know that they've struggled with this and they will even feel the difference. It happens almost all the time. After a period of time, the kids are like, I didn't realize how much that was in control of me. I feel so much better now, right? And inside there's a thank you for doing for me what I wasn't capable of doing. I don't need the thanks as a parent. I just need to do the right thing because I love my child. Now, I know there are variations and I know your kids also have laptops and iPads and they can access their messages there. And so that will have to be included. And then there's the complication at times, right, of, well, they need their iPad to do their schoolwork. How do we cut that out? I don't have time to do all of that in this podcast, but I wanted to give a framework for this, right? Just know that your kids are strong willed. So they're always going to be fighting you over something, right? And they're going to come back with that persistence, pleading with you to give their phone back. For right now, let's be firm. Let's let this play out. Remember, when you say no to something like this, you have to say yes to something appropriate. That's why we talk a lot about mission and mentor at this age. I want to get kids engaged in a mission, doing something that they love, that they're really good at, using their natural gifts and passions accountable to another adult, a mentor, because that is very, very motivating. Other people see good things inside your kids, makes them feel useful and helpful, and it gives them a place to put their brain energy. Starting their own business, volunteering at an animal shelter or a veterinarian's office, if they're into animals. I've got to fill that with something.

[Casey Martin]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And so let's find that mission, fill that time and space something they can throw their energy into with a mentor of some kind.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And I'll do that on a separate podcast. I hope you found this helpful. I know each situation is a little different. If you want to help me walk, if you want me to help you walk through the intervention, then go to the website celebratecalm.com and you look up the mentor [e-mail] Call Kirk. Anyway, you can look it up website. We've got in the Calm Parenting package or the Get Everything package. You get the control screens program. Control screens. So they don't control you.

[Casey Martin]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

So listen to that. Take the principles we talked about in this podcast and apply it to your own situation. If we can help you in any way, please let us know. That's what we're here for so you can reach out. Casey C A s e y celebratecolumn.com Let us know how we can help you. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Please share this with other parents. I will do more podcasts on screens because there are limitless variations of this. But I hope this framework will encourage you, inspire you, and actually give you some practical strategies to actually get this done in your home. All right, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.