Men: What Your Wife is Afraid To Tell You

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: “Men: What Your Wife is Afraid To Tell You”

Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: October 11, 2023

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In the compelling episode titled “Men: What Your Wife is Afraid To Tell You” from the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delivers a poignant message aimed at men struggling to maintain harmonious relationships with their strong-willed children and spouses. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids and his personal journey, Kirk offers transformative insights and actionable strategies to foster respect, control, and connection within the family unit.

1. Addressing the Core Struggle

Kirk opens the conversation by directly addressing fathers grappling with defiant children and strained marriages. He acknowledges the frustration of raising strong-willed kids who "push your buttons, derails family outings, melts down, and don't care about consequences" (01:20), validating the listeners' experiences and setting the stage for his transformative message.

2. The Cycle of Resentment and Fear

Delving deeper, Kirk explains how men’s defensiveness and dismissal of their wives’ emotions lead to simmering resentment. He states, “You keep dismissing her emotions and thoughts. You act gruff, you get defensive” (02:15), highlighting how such behaviors erode mutual respect and foster fear within the marriage. This fear, in turn, silences open communication, leaving wives feeling isolated and misunderstood.

3. Personal Reflections and Lessons Learned

Kirk shares his personal history with a military father who enforced discipline through fear and intimidation. “In the end, we didn't honestly respect my dad, we just feared him” (02:45), he reflects. This revelation serves as a cautionary tale about the long-term consequences of authoritative parenting styles that disregard emotional connections.

4. The Real Issue: Self-Control

Identifying the crux of the problem, Kirk emphasizes that the issue often lies not with the child but with the parent's inability to control their own emotions. “The real issue, if you're honest with yourself, is your behavior. Because you can't control your own emotions” (04:00), he asserts. This lack of self-regulation leads to negative interactions, causing children to become more defiant and emotionally withdrawn.

5. The Emotional Exhaustion of Wives

Kirk poignantly describes the toll on wives who feel they must manage both the children's behavior and their husbands' reactions. “She's emotionally exhausted trying to manage your kids' behavior so that when you're around, you don't lose it” (06:00), he explains. This dual burden exacerbates marital strain and diminishes the overall family dynamic.

6. Three Transformative Challenges for Men

To address these issues, Kirk presents three concrete challenges for men:

a. Learn to Control Yourself

“Learn how to control yourself. You respect quarterbacks, platoon captains, firemen, other people who stay cool and calm under pressure because those are good leaders. But when you walk through the door of your home, you can't control yourself” (09:29). Kirk urges men to develop emotional regulation akin to leadership roles, emphasizing that maintaining composure at home is crucial for respect and effective parenting.

b. Connect with Your Strong-Willed Child

Kirk advises men to engage with their children's interests, no matter how trivial they may seem. “Be curious about the things that they like. I don't care if it's Minecraft or Call of Duty” (11:00). By showing genuine interest, fathers can build stronger bonds and understand their children’s perspectives, fostering a more cooperative and less confrontational relationship.

c. Listen to Your Wife

“Stop dismissing her. I know she's not perfect” (12:32). Kirk encourages men to actively listen to their wives, acknowledging their feelings and struggles. He emphasizes the importance of humility and apology in rebuilding trust and ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued within the marriage.

7. Practical Steps and Resources

Kirk doesn’t stop at challenges; he provides practical solutions. He recommends men seek counseling or join mentoring programs tailored for fathers. “If you find someone, talk to me. You can email me. I have a mentoring program by men that we do by text” (14:00). This approach caters to men’s preferences for concise and direct communication, offering accessible support for those willing to change.

8. The Ultimate Reward: A Transformed Family

Concluding his heartfelt message, Kirk shares the profound joy of connecting with his own adult son: “It is me changing as a dad, as a husband, as a father, as a man. I am a man now because I can control myself” (15:30). He underscores that personal transformation not only enriches individual lives but also strengthens the entire family structure, offering a legacy far more significant than professional achievements.

Conclusion and Call to Action

Kirk passionately calls on men to embrace these challenges, assuring them that the effort will lead to a more respectful, loving, and cohesive family environment. He emphasizes that this transformation is attainable and offers support through the Celebrate Calm programs: “Don't be a cheapskate like I was. And don't make excuses. Show your wife you're serious about changing yourself” (16:00).

Resources Mentioned:

• Celebrate Calm Programs: For guided transformation in parenting and marriage. Visit celebratecalm.com for more information.
• Contact: Email Casey at [e-mail] or Kirk at Celebratecalm.com for personalized support.

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Kirk Martin’s episode serves as a clarion call for men to introspect and take actionable steps towards emotional control, better parenting, and stronger marital relationships. By addressing the root causes of familial tension and providing clear, practical advice, Kirk empowers men to create positive, lasting changes within their families.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Are you struggling to raise a strong willed child who pushes your buttons, derails family outings, melts down, doesn't care about consequences? Are you struggling in your marriage to get on the same page? Well, good. That means you're normal because you should be struggling. Because this is hard work. Because the purpose of relationships is not happiness. It is transformation. It changes who you are. And look, I made so many mistakes as a younger man and I don't want you to make the same ones. Now this is a hard but necessary and honest and concise message for husbands and wives. I'm going to be blunt, to the point and I say all of this with humility, knowing I made all of these mistakes. I had a career military father who used the fear and intimidation approach to enforce good outward behavior, but at the expense of actually having a relationship with his four sons. And in the end we didn't honestly respect my dad, we just feared him. And so I'm going to talk about that, just so you know. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. This is Calm parenting podcast. Look men, I want to talk to you. Your wife wants to talk to you about this stuff. She wants to talk to you about getting on the same page with parenting your strong willed child and about your relationship. But you keep saying you're too soft, you coddle Our child, right? You keep dismissing her emotions and thoughts. You act gruff, you get defensive. You deny that you have any role to play in this so that she'll go away and stop talking to you about this. And that breeds a simmering resentment. Because here's what your wife is thinking. Why can't I have an honest conversation with the man that I fell in love with, with the man that I chose to raise kids with? And she begins to lose respect for you. Some of you get angry, and that makes your wife the woman you wooed.

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[Kirk Martin]

The woman you chose to have kids with. That makes her feel afraid. Think about it. Your wife is afraid of you. She's afraid to talk to you about difficult things because you make it so difficult. And I know that because I did the same thing as a defense mechanism. So guess what happens? Your wife emails us writing paragraph after paragraph asking how we can help change your child's behavior. When the real issue, if you're honest with yourself, is your behavior. Because you can't control your own emotions. Even though you complain about your child not having impulse control, right? But you blow up, you escalate things, you react, and you're constantly negative toward this child who is now shutting down or being more defiant or more emotional. And if your wife could, here's what she'd say. Honey, I love you. I know this is hard, but I need you to learn how to control your emotions, to stop yelling, and to actually connect with our child instead of only correcting them. Because as men, you know what we do. Guys we correct. But we never really connect with our kids. We're waiting until they behave the right way so that we can connect with them. See, what your wife would say is that would mean more to me than anything else you do for us. But your wife can't talk to you about that. So instead she tries to change your child instead. And to be honest, she's been doing this all along. See, your wife doesn't just coddle your child. She coddles you. Because she knows you can't behave when your child misbehaves. So she's emotionally exhausted trying to manage your kids behavior so that when you're around, you don't lose it when you come home from work, or lose it at the dinner table, or lose it at bedtime and say constantly negative things to your kids. See, men, you have an enormous amount of power. You can change your home faster than anyone. But your wife right now walks on eggshells around you, afraid of your Reaction. That's the marriage many of you have right now. And I promise you, it's not going to end well. And you can justify it just like I did, right? Well, our son just misbehaves and he melts down. He can't follow simple instructions, right? How's he ever going to be successful in life? All we ever do is give in and we revolve everything around him and you just coddle him. When's he ever going to be accountable and take responsibility for his actions? Right? You've probably said that, and I get that. But I would say your wife coddles you because she knows you can't control yourself, so she wears herself out trying to make sure the kids behave the right way so you don't blow up and escalate everything. I'm asking you to be honest and own that. Yes, your kids lack discipline. They're difficult. They misbehave. They're impulsive. They say things to you that we would have never said to our fathers. I agree with you 100%. But this isn't about your child right now. This is about you being willing to change. And I only know this because I did the exact same thing. And I know there are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women listening to this, nodding, but afraid to forward this to you because you'll get angry or you'll dismiss her, or you'll deny that it's the issue, right? And just make it on her that she's being too soft. Is that the kind of marriage you want to have? A wife whose stomach is upset all the time because she's literally afraid to talk to you? To have a wife who's desperate for help, so desperate she emails a stranger in order to change your kids because you won't change. So I'm going to give you three challenges. You know why? Because I'm a guy. I like challenges. You know what's hard for me? Personal relationships. Relationships are hard. My dad never taught me how to have good relationships. He taught me how to work hard, to be disciplined. He taught me how to hit a jump shot, to kneel when I field a ground ball. So if the ball pops up, it hits me in the chin, but I keep it in front of me. I know all those things. I'm good at those things, right? But these other things are hard. Harder than any job I have ever had in the corporate world. Owning my own business, all of this stuff is way harder. But I'm going to give you three challenges. Number one, men. Learn how to control yourself. You respect quarterbacks, platoon captains, firemen, other people who stay cool and calm under pressure because those are good leaders. But when you walk through the door of your home, you can't control yourself, right? And that's why people in your home, your kids and your wife begin to lose respect for you.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Number two, I want you to connect with your strong willed child. I know it's hard. They're difficult kids sometimes. They're weird and odd kids. I know that. But I want you to be interested in what your child is interested in, even if you hate it. Right? Let your child. This is one of the greatest things you can do. Let your child teach you something because many of your kids have internalized this. I can never please my father and I know you internal well. I just need to be tough on them and I need to. I want you to be. I can show you how to be tough and firm, but still have a good relationship with your child. Be curious about them. Be curious about the things that they like. I don't care if it's Minecraft or call of duty 2. For my son, it was all kinds of stuff I didn't like, but I took an interest in it and I spent time with him being curious about what he loves so that we could connect. Number three, listen to your wife. Stop dismissing her. I know she's not perfect.

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She has her own issues.

[Kirk Martin]

She may have a lot of anxiety. She may be too soft on the kids. I get that. But apologize to her. Humble yourself and you have a shot at. You're saving your family. She has asked you, she's been asking you to get on the same page to work on these issues. So just do it. It's not going to hurt. You spend three months, six months doing it. If at the end of that you hate it and you find out that it's all her issue, then email me and I'll help you with that. But if I were having a beer with you, I'd say things in two ways. One would be the nice tone. Dude, I know this is hard. You didn't learn this as a kid. And your child is really difficult. But you got to step up, man. You got to change yourself. And I know you can do this because it'll change your family and you'll be proud of yourself and you'll get the respect that you really want. Because every man wants respect. And why do we want respect? Because we know what it takes to succeed in the real world and how hard it is. And we don't want our kids making the same mistakes that we made that caused us trouble. That's an honorable thing, men. It's an honorable thing and I want you to get that respect. Secondly, I tell you in a tough tone, you're being rigid, you're digging in and you're justifying it. And you're not only going to lose your wife and half of what you own, and I promise you, you will if you don't change. Your wife is counting down the days until the kids go off to college and then she's out of there, if not before. Because she can't keep doing this day after day, week after week, month after week, year after year. And most men, we care about money. And I guarantee you will lose half of it in the divorce and it's going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. And you're going to lose, more importantly, your relationship with your child and most likely your strong willed child. I have a very strong willed child who is now 29. And it is one of my. My greatest joys in life is connecting with that kid, that young man. And you may lose them forever. And you will regret that. So I want to ask you to step the up, man up. And let's make these changes. I don't care how you do it. Go see a local counselor. I didn't always like therapy, but it can be really helpful. If you find someone, talk to me. You can email me. I have a mentoring program by men that we do by text. Why? Because men don't like to talk a lot. But we'll text, right? Or finally listen to your wife. She's been asking you, hey, could we invest in this guy's programs? They have a calm parenting program like, oh, we don't need that. We don't have any issues. I don't want to. Here's a common guy. I don't need that self help. This is not self help. This is about transforming who you are and transforming your relationships. So listen to that program. Some of your wives have already bought the program and you won't listen to it. All I'll ask you to do is listen to two programs. The Straight Dog for dads program. Why? Because of me and my son talking to you like men talking to men. Short, concise, right? And the Strong Willed child program. Listen to those two. Let your wife listen to all the other ones because that's what wives do. And that's fine with me. Because it will show you exactly how to control yourself, how to remain in control of yourself during power struggles. Look, when your kids push your buttons and you react, you're not even in control anymore. Your child's in control, right? I teach you how to connect with your child and connect with your wife. It doesn't have to be that hard. So don't be a cheapskate like I Was. And don't make excuses. Show your wife's wife you're serious about changing yourself. I promise all men I work with, I will walk with you step by step. Because this is such a hard thing to do. It's harder than any job you're going to ever have. It is. I've done all kinds of jobs, been in the corporate world for 20 years, owned in my own business. But this legacy, your family, is way more important than your career. Wives, you're the ones who listening to this. I encourage you to be assertive. Stand up for yourself. You're an equal partner in this relationship. So send this podcast to your husband and say these words. It would mean a lot to me if you would listen to this. Right. I'm keeping this under 15 minutes. Every guy's got 15 minutes on the treadmill while he's driving to work sometime to listen to this. And I made it short on purpose. Why? Because I'm a guy. I like concise stuff. Now, if we can help you, let us know, because that's our mission. You can reach out to us. Email our son, Casey. C A s e y celebratecolm.com if you're a guy and you want to email me directly and you want to ring me or you want to say, I want help, email me. It's Kirk. Celebratecalm.com if you're interested in any of our programs, go on to celebrate calm.com. they're right there. If you need help financially, tell us. Be assertive. We want to help you. But, guys, we got to change this stuff. We got to change this stuff. And you can do it. And I promise you, it's the greatest. Is the greatest accomplishment of my life. Was not what I accomplished in the corporate career. It is not what I accomplished when I played baseball. Is not what I accomplished in running this business. Is me changing as a dad, as a husband, as a father, as a man. I am a man now because I can control myself. And I want to help you with that. All right, Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.