← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
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- [01:34]
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You have an intense, strong willed child who is frustrating to you because they are either the complete opposite of you, making them kind of like an enigma you can't understand, or they're just like you who which means there are a mirror to your own flaws and things you want to change about yourself. Do you ever get triggered because your child says whatever or because you need your child to be happy when they come home from school? Almost like their unhappiness is ingratitude or a reflection of your parenting good. That means you're not alone. I want to give you insight and action steps to stop the power struggles and and bond with your most strong willed child. And as one couple said, can we just have one drama free night? So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. Oh quick favor. Will you give us a five star review wherever you listen to your podcast? I've never asked for that before, but apparently it helps more parents find the podcast. So this is Kirk Martin. You can find the PDA Parent podcast, our ad free version of this podcast, our big sale@celebratecolm.com so here's the thing. I fought Casey for so long until I realized what was really bothering me is that he was just like me. And in some ways I was trying to fix or change him in order to fix myself. And obviously that isn't healthy. So it's incredibly challenging to parent a strong willed child. You know that. That's why you're here. If you are a more compliant person, people pleaser, someone who kind of just does what people expect of you, this child's responses will frustrate you because this child who reflexively says no and has to touch the hot stove triggers something inside of you. Because see, your first instinct when someone tells you to do something is, well, you just do it. And yet this child will fight you and take any consequence you can think of and you'll struggle to impose your own expectations of yourself onto this child. Because sometimes this child's actions in school or public can embarrass you or make you feel like you're being a bad parent. And sometimes the issue is your child is just like you and that will trigger all kinds of feelings Inside you. So no matter your situation, I want to give you 10 insights and strategies you can use to stop the power struggles and. And start bonding more closely with this child. So, number one, just recognize where you came from. You inherited emotional and behavioral DNA from your family life growing up. And I remember once working with this guy whose father was an Irish firefighter from South Boston. You get the picture, really? Tough guy. But now this guy I'm working with, well, he has a daughter who's just like him, a mini me. And that's triggering him. And. And yet, here's this man now, father of a teenage daughter who is breaking that pattern and everything he learned from his father. It's a very beautiful and heroic thing. Maybe you're a mom whose own mother or father was very controlling and pushed you and pushed you. You earned your parents acceptance by being uber conscientious and doing everything well, and that's actually served you well in life. And you love your child. You want your own child to be successful. So you probably don't even recognize how much you're pushing this child over. Little things that don't even matter but that are actually pushing your child away from you. You're actually trying to create a mini me because that served you so well. So just recognize that. And that you're breaking generational patterns, and you are making more progress than you can possibly imagine. So kudos to you. I'm partially buttering you up a bit because some hard stuff is coming, but it's also true. And I remember last summer on that Father son hiking trip that Casey planned out for us. I remember when he said, dad, I knew your father. You're nothing like him. And I'll tell you, that meant everything to me. So take a moment and recognize your lineage and that you are creating a. A new family tree. Number two, My child is a mini me. I cannot tell you how many parents I've worked with who fought their kids for years and then suddenly had that aha moment, revealing, oh, now I get why this child triggers me so much. She's just like me. It's priceless when I hear them utter that, because that was a huge turning point for me with Casey. There's so many dynamics wrapped up in this. I. I am now seeing my own reflection in this child that I helped create. We tend to only see the flaws and negatives when we gaze into that mirror. So in my child, I see the broken places I never healed. I see the flaws and qualities that got me into trouble. I see things I didn't like about myself. The real issue isn't that I didn't like these qualities about myself. It's that my dad didn't like these qualities in me because he couldn't handle any variation or pushback. He needed complete order and control of us. Those qualities, many of them were actually good qualities. It's just that my dad didn't like them and tried to snuff them out. So three and four decades later, I'm coming to grips with the fact that the reason I don't like those qualities inside of me or or even like myself is because my own dad didn't like me. So I was talking to this dad once and just blurted out, hey, you're attempting to fix your daughter when in reality you're just trying to fix yourself. And he said, I think if I can change who she is, I'll actually like myself more. So you can kind of see how that works. So this will send you down a deep and hard and ultimately liberating path. And because the key to accepting your child as he or she is is to first accept yourself as you are. In order to accept your child as he or she is, you have to get to the place where you can acknowledge and believe deep down inside, I'm okay, I'm worthy of being accepted and loved just as I am. See, this is the wonder and beauty of having children. We go into it thinking, oh, I'm this adult who's kind of figured life out. I've got all this life experience and wisdom. I'm going to teach my child everything I know and create a happy, successful human and family. And then you realize, oh, raising this child is causing me to grow up and even reparent myself. So take some time, just sit with that now, you may be ready to go deeper and you may not, but just take your time. Number three, there are noble parts to this realization that this child is a mini me. Oftentimes the reason we bear down on our kids like this is because we don't want them to repeat the same mistakes we made as kids. And as adults, we love our kids and we see these very qualities inside them that have tripped us up and caused us pain in our lives. And we're thinking, look, because I love you so much, I don't want you getting hurt and making the same mistakes I made. That's a noble intention. So we sometimes try to change them and fix certain traits. But you know, trying to control a strong willed child never works and almost always backfires. It's driven by our anxiety I don't want to see you make the same mistakes. So I'm going to control you and try to control the outcomes. But in a way, we're also robbing our child of the same freedom we were given to make decisions, to make mistakes, to learn the hard way. And sometimes we miss the fact that these very qualities that trip our kids up are the very qualities that will make them wildly successful one day. But if we're not aware of this, we'll micromanage our kids and that will produce countless power struggles. So number four, beware your own control issues. You may not even realize how much you are nitpicking your kids. Here are some examples from parents who have email us, emailed us, and that we've worked with. This is not meant to denigrate you as parents. I hope that those of you who struggle with this will see this more clearly when you kind of hear it from the outside. So a parent wrote, well, my child has all A's and B's, but doesn't really seem to care about school. And so my response is, well, let me correct this for you. Your child doesn't care about school the way I did and the way I want him to care about it. Does that make sense? Your child doesn't care about the school the way you did or the way you want your child to care about it. So even though he gets A's and B's, you're still unsatisfied. It's not enough. See, he has to really care like you did. Just watch out for that. Another one, her science teacher said she could move up a level, but when we asked her, she was absolutely against doing this. She likes where she is. I keep telling her it's not about grades to me, it's about the effort you put in. If she gets a C, but she tried her best, then that would be fine with me. She doesn't seem to believe me, but I try to re emphasize that often. Well, she doesn't believe you because you're not being honest with her or yourself. You can say all the right things, but it's not true and your child knows it. You want her to try as hard as you did as a kid. You are an overachiever who probably went to law school or medical school because you never stopped seeking your parents acceptance. But now you have an opportunity to break that cycle. And I know it's hard. Well, I tell my daughter that you never wear your everyday clothes on your bed. Well, that's your preference, but that's not A moral issue. Stop trying to control your child and instead control your own anxiety and control issues. If you must change into clean clothes to be on your bed, then go for it. But don't impose all these things on your kids. Well, I don't understand why my son doesn't offer to help around the house or hasn't even memorized what night the trash goes out. Why would they do that? They're busy kids wrapped up in their own kid lives and school and sports and friendships. This is 100% about you being driven to be extra conscientious. But you have to stop or you will ruin your relationship with your child. Okay, I think you get the point. If you struggle with this, the first program to go through in the Calm Parenting bundle is the 30 days to calm program. It is so critically important. We actually included this for free in the PDA parent program because you've got to get to the root of your control and anxiety issues. No blame, no guilt. There's just change that. Number five. This is so hard when your child responds with something that sounds so dismissive and disrespectful as whatever, dad. Fine, Mom. Remember, Casey's awesome response was just, wow. So when I hear that whatever coming from a child like this, it tells me a few things. Yes, it is a clear sign of disrespect. It is. It is also a clear sign that your child understands how to trigger you. It is also a clear sign of a yearning for something deeper. I believe it's a sign your child wants a better relationship with you. I remember talking to a dad and saying, can you hear in this a sense that your daughter feels helpless, that she needs you and she needs you to change your approach. And. And he just said, well, I never thought of it that way. See, some of these things we regard as defiance can be useful information that whatever you hear. I'm not saying it's right or good, but sometimes it's useful information if we choose not to take it personally. And it is a choice. Stop taking these things personally with your kids. Let go of your ego and your false notions. Well, you. You're some untouchable authority figure who should never be questioned. Slow down your world inside. Humble yourself and ask, what is my child? What is my wife? What is my husband, my friend trying to tell me? Okay, now, have you ever had that feeling like you kind of need your kids to be happy when they come home from school or grateful for a certain event? This one also always bugged me. So I bet your family is like, Ours. During springtime life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. But thanks to Hungryroot, we shop on our own schedule and we make healthy home cooked meals in about 15 minutes. Hungryroot eliminates the indecision the last minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy delicious meals that even your picky kids will love. 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Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. So, number six. So I was working with this couple with an intense, moody daughter. She'd get home from school and they, of course, as good parents, would greet her and ask about her day. And they confessed. It bothers us when she complains about school. I mean, we have bent over backwards and sacrificed to give her a life that we never had as kids with so many opportunities in life and. And we just can't understand why she can't be happy and grateful. And I get that one. I have felt the same exact way. But the real question is, why do you need her to be happy? Why does that trigger you so much? I get it. You feel like she doesn't appreciate your sacrifice or you feel like you have failed as a parent because your child doesn't demonstrate the requisite gratitude and good attitude. But that's your issue. So when your child comes home, stop trying to change their moods, stop trying to change their attitude. If you put pressure on these kids, they will feel that they'll shut down. They won't express anything to you at all. Again, you have to let go of your ego and your expectations and your need for your child to act a certain way. Be the grown up, be the drama free person she feels comfortable talking to. Look, you want your kids venting to you. That way you know what's going on inside. It's much better than your kids not saying anything and just grunting all the time. Okay, number seven, so how can you connect with these kids? You know, I love a gender free time in which there are no lectures, no deep talks, no pressure. You simply enjoy being with your child. Usually doing something that they enjoy doing that sometimes you hate. I asked his dad once what his daughter enjoyed doing. He said reading books. And I was like, good. Go to Barnes and Noble or local bookstore with her. Be curious about the books she chooses. Listen to her, don't look at your watch, don't pressure, no agenda, no pressure, just being with your child. And I'd encourage you, let your kids come to you. Don't flip force your wisdom and advice onto strong will kids or they will reject it. I like planting seeds. Oh, you know what, I've got a couple ideas about that. Listen, I need to go get started on dinner or clean up in the garage. When you're ready, you can come grab me. I'll be happy to share some thoughts with you. See, that's a lot different than telling them what to do or what they should do. You're giving them agency and space and time so they can come to you when. When they will be more willing to listen and hear what you're saying. Number eight, I would encourage you to be patient. Embrace the process. You can change quickly by learning to control your own anxiety, working on yourself instead of trying to change your kids. Because if you try to convince, pressure, plead with, bribe or threaten strong willed kids, just backfires. Number nine, let's have a plan. So I was working with a couple whose daughter comes home at 4pm dad works from a home office and will usually greet her and ask how her day was. She of course vents and complains and he gets triggered. As we discussed. If this has happened on like 87 different afternoons, then let's plan for it. Prep for it like you prep for a call with a client. So at 3, 45, 15 minutes before the arrival of your child, what can you do to reset yourself? If you have time, get some physical exercise, quick walk around the neighborhood, some push ups, reset your expectations. Okay. I do not need my daughter to be happy or in a good mood today. Here's a better one. Not a better one, another good one. I do not need my spouse to be in a good mood or happy today. Why? Because it's not my responsibility to make other people happy. I'm not responsible for other people's moods or happiness, only my own. I'm just going to be that steady rock today when that child of mine comes through the door. So when your daughter vents, try matching her intensity. Oh, man, that stinks when that happens. Oh man, I'd be so frustrated. That'd make me angry. Validate with intensity instead of trying to convince her to think about it differently because that's annoying. Change the venue. If you can sit outside and have a snack, take her to get a smoothie, go for a walk. But mostly change this interaction by first changing your own attitude. Number 10. How many of us have just fallen into the trap of fighting our kids? I can't tell you how many dads especially I've worked with who had really tough dads like mine. And our dads fought us. And this is tough with a strong willed child because these are intense kids who know how to push your buttons, especially when you're tired and stressed out. They also know when you're in a little conflict with your spouse and they know that's a good time to apply pressure as well. It's actually brilliant insight. And I'm telling you, if you, this is a separate note. If you ever go to these kids and say, you know what that quality is, you have insight into human nature and one day you're going to match that. You're going to combine that with that big heart you have. You're going to help so many people. And then inside you're saying like, why can't you do that now? But look, you can see it in their eyes. Casey was like this. And we were kind of a hockey family in that hockey culture. So our phrase was, hey, you want to drop? Which meant you want to drop our gloves and fight. Metaphorically. Look, I almost destroyed my relationship with him because I didn't know how to handle his intensity or understand that he craved my intense emotional engagement. You know why? It means that he was important to me that I cared. And you'll notice this a lot in adopted kids and kids with a trauma background, they associate and intensity with caring, right? Because look, you put your work down and stop looking at your phone long enough to at least look me in the eyes and yell at me. Because, look, neglect and apathy hurt more than this. But I don't want you reacting, giving your kids negative intensity. So this email really got me. A mom emailed and said, my husband has struggled for so long with our kids. He's a good man, but he's always struggled with being reactive and angry. And I told him bluntly, if things didn't change, he'd emotionally lose his son, daughter, and his wife and eventually probably lose us physically like in Vorce. And I told him either we could do expensive therapy or he could simply begin listening to your programs on his commute. And while he worked out, he's been changing. About a month ago, we went for a walk and he said, I realize now that all my dad ever did was fight me. And I've been repeating that pattern. But now I see I can still fight and use my intensity. I just need to fight for my son and daughter. I can do that. The mom said that has radically changed him and our home. I love that reframing right from like, I'm going to fight my kids. No, I'm here to fight for you, for our connection. See, this is a family that will change quickly because the parents are changing and leading with humility. So many of you are healing your childhood wounds by treating your kids the way you wish your parents would have treated you. See, that's beautiful. Your entire family is changing. And the cool thing is it's not dependent on changing your child. Very little that we talked about in this episode was about actually changing your child. It's about changing your response to them, your approach to them that is 100% within your control. If you do have our programs, go listen to the 30 days to calm program. It's the process I use to go from being that reactive, angry dad to the calm guy and let your kids listen to the program. Programs you guys can change as a family. It's really cool. If you need help with that, we have a sale now. 50% off the programs. But if you need additional financial help, email Casey A. Dashy, celebrate calm.com and we would love to help you. Okay. So much respect and love for you all. Bye Bye.
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