← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So.
- [01:21]
Your child is being resistant to doing something they don't like or something they don't want to do. And naturally you get impatient. Your child then whines and complains and takes a long time doing what you ask. So you get irritated and the scene turns into a shouting match with big emotions slamming doors. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you a different idea, something counterintuitive and I want you to see if it works. So that's what we're going to discuss. Thank you for joining us. My name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to us. Email our son Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, we will reply back to you very quickly and usually we try to give you very practical ideas to help because that's what we do. So here's the scene. I was working with this really great family and talking to this dad whose child has pandas or pans P A N D A s or P A N S and I encourage you to just look that up sometime. And I'm simplifying this, but it's an autoimmune disorder that triggers OCD symptoms or tics after a strep infection. And whenever parents are telling me about their kids exhibiting tics or OCD tendencies, I recommend that they look up pandas. And I mention this because it occurs fairly frequently among our kids and many doctors don't recognize it at all. So it goes undiagnosed, which is sad because it's easily treatable with pretty good success. So their daughter has to take vitamins and supplements and pills to help with this condition. And naturally she refuses to take her pills. She whines, she complains and it takes her forever. Naturally her parents get impatient because they have to sit and watch her actually swallow pills. Because like all amazing strong willed children, she will fake taking them or she'll lie. So what should be a 30 second non event drags on for 8 to 10 minutes or more. And I know you've been there because your kids dawdle and they put things off and it irritates you and it triggers you, right? Because many of you are type A like me or you were raised like me with a, with a military dad, right? And if you're not like five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late and so it triggers you and you've by the way, you've probably over scheduled your kids lives. Look, if you have a strong willed child, you have to purposefully slow your life down. You do. I know, but kids need to learn, yeah, they will learn how to do things in the real world. They will and they'll do it fine. But you can't artificially create, create this kind of timeline that we do in modern day life where it's like you live on a razor's edge and it's like if you're a little bit right, things are not going as smoothly as they're supposed to in your well oiled machine of life, right? You're going to be late and you get triggered purposefully slow your life down. You know this stuff is going to happen all the time. So stop trying to live on that razor's edge will just cause every anxious and force things. And you know when you try to force things with strong will kids, they just resist even more, right? What happens now? The tone, your tone gets increasingly demanding and increasingly irritated. And you know this voice, right? Whenever Casey get, Casey, get, get downstairs. As soon as you get to that tone you've got to stop, right? It's nothing ends well after that. So you know what happens next that triggers the child to shut down even more. And then the cycle escalates into screaming matches, tears, slam doors and we've all been there before. No blame, no guilt for this. It's understandable. It is frustrating and you shouldn't have to go through this. But we all have irritating flaws that our wives and kids and friends and co workers put up with. So who is going to win this face off over taking pills? Right? And I get this all the time. Like, well, they just do it as a control issue. And my response is, you have control issues, too, because we all have control issues. We all try to control things because so much of life is out of our control. You're trying to control your child half the time, so I get it. But it's not just, it's not just a control issue. And it's like, well, I can't let her win. Well, I encourage you to drop that line of thinking because if your goal throughout your child's life, childhood is just to win against them, Right. That's not the right mindset. And by the way, you're not going to win a lot with them because they have an iron will. So it doesn't have to be right. It doesn't have to be a battle of wills. You don't have to choose to enter the courtroom with your little attorney. Right. Or the boxing ring. And I don't like declaring a winner or loser when it comes to a relationship. Unless you want to be a tyrant with subjects, but no real relationships. Okay? That's not what this is about. So this wonderful couple said, this has been without a doubt the hardest thing that my wife and I have ever dealt with. Right? Just having a strong willed child, it's hard parenting, marriage, relationships, it's way harder than my job. Right to me. So here are some guiding principles. In situations like this with a strong willed child, connection almost always trumps consequences. Patience and slowing down often help kids move more quickly. It's counterintuitive, but it's true. Push and you get pushback. Lead and kids will often follow. See, while you're justified in being upset or frustrated, humility often breaks down walls and solves these situations. And in the end, some of the worst power struggles can be the best bonding moments. This week, I really, I want you to choose a common power struggle. What part of the day do you struggle with most? And I want you to apply these principles of connection of the patient. Slowing down rate of leading, rate of humility, and turning the power struggles into a bonding moment. You can do it. Okay. That's part of what we teach parents. It's the biggest thing we teach. And it's why we love this process, because you can take what is usually so irritating and turn it into a positive. So here's the three point plan we came up with these parents. One, purposefully slow down when you encounter a power struggle. And I get it, it's hard to do, it's counterintuitive, but it works. Pushing and using that pushy, irritating tone triggers resistance in your kids. And ironically, sometimes the more you slow down, the more your kids actually speed up. And I'll give you also another corollary to that right now, but I've got to take a drink of water, so chill with me for this. And I'm not editing this out because I like practicing imperfection because of my own control issues. So. Corresponding corollary, sometimes when you step back from trying to control situations, it gives your kids space to step up. See, when you as the adult and I got this, I was doing a phone consultation with his dad yesterday. He's got a big personality, right? And he's a man of action. He's got ideas, he's a vision guy. And he's wondering, like, why won't my son step up? And I was like, he doesn't have room to step up. Why? Because you are such a presence that when you are there and he does try to step up, you're there to quickly correct him, to guide him, to show him a different way. And he doesn't have any space to actually show initiative because you're too busy just standing there watching him. So the more you slow down, the more your kids actually speed up. Sometimes the more you step back, the more your kids have room to actually step up. You can't push these kids. They will resist. And dads, I need you to know this. I know your impulse is, I got to push them. I got to push them. It's not going to work with these kids. And they will eventually shut down and know I can't please you. So you have to lead them right now. Look, I'm a realist. I know you have busy lives and you're exhausted. And I know how frustrating it is to ask your kids do something simple and easy. That should just take 15 seconds. Your patience, your impatience and your frustration, they're justified. But you can be right and justified and it still won't make her take her bills. And it almost always makes things worse. So do the opposite of your instincts the next time you encounter resistance and watch what happens. I love doing the opposite. You'll learn that in 30 days to calm. Right? Because we go through your triggers. And if you get our programs, the Calm Parenting Podcast or just get everything, it's on sale now, right? Spring sale. Look, I get frustrated because people email me 15 times. I'm like, I put all the answers there. I'll show you step by step how to do it in all these different situations, give you all these options. But just go through the program, right? I spent a lot of time on that and like if you'll go through, I'll teach you. You can email me with your specific triggers. And one of my favorite tools is, well, look, what you're doing right now is getting you the exact opposite response that you want. So what if you did the opposite of what you normally did? Maybe you'll get a positive response to it, right? Because none of us like to be rushed and micromanaged either.
- [11:28]
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- [13:58]
Okay, step number two, and this is really cool because so much of this is just changing your mindset. So number two is this. I want you to change your tone, your mindset from, I'm really frustrated because I have a lot to get done and this shouldn't be hard. And she's just being difficult and needs to get with the program. Now. That's an understandable position. You're right. I'm frustrated. I got a lot to do. It's not that hard, honey. Just do what I told you to do. I get that. But I want you to change your tone from that to, this child is my daughter. And when I struggle in life, I like people being patient with me. Right? When you're struggling at work, you don't want your boss. You know what? I've told you this, like 15 times. You're not even doing this. If you don't get this done, I'm going to fire you. And now you're not going to be able to feed your family. Right? Like, that's not always motivating to you. You want someone to come alongside you and teach you and show you. So this child's my daughter. And when I struggle in life, I like people being patient with me. And I bet I can help her instead of pushing her. See, be the encouraging coach in her life instead of the frustrated parent. And that's a really cool mindset shift. Just try it this week. See, when you're a parent, it carries so much heaviness and responsibility. I got to teach my child at every moment of the day because every choice that they make is going to determine whether they're successful in life or they're not. And then it just amps everything up. And now you're a frustrated parent. But if you're the coach that's the encouraging coach and is coming alongside and teaching her. See, now I can use this tone. And this tone of voice is very calming to kids and very settling because I'm in control of myself, right? So number three, this is cool. I want you to validate, connect and bond. Validate where she is. Connect with your child and then bond over so this is what I ask the parents to do. Simply acknowledge. You know what? I know taking pills isn't a lot of fun. I wouldn't want to do that either. It's uncomfortable. That's all you're doing. Look, some of your kids do have sensory issues. Some of your kids have all kinds of issues, right? And taking pills, it's hard to swallow or they just don't like how it feels. So there's nothing wrong with saying, yeah, it's not a lot of fun. I don't like taking pills either. Right? And then I want you to offer to do something uncomfortable or something you don't like doing that's also better for your health. While she's taking her pills, right? Like doing 20 push ups or drinking or eating some super healthy drink that you don't like the taste of, right? Because no matter how much they advertise, unless they throw a lot of sugar in it, all those greens and veggie things in a drink, some of them don't taste that great, right? So of course you shouldn't have to do that. And she should just swallow the pills. I get that. But this is the kid she is, right? Stop. Stop wanting something else, right? Stop wondering. It's like I talk to parents sometimes, like, well, we've been fighting over this for five years. Like, why are you fighting for five years? Look, it doesn't mean you let your kids get away with things. But that's different from knowing this is the kid that I've been given, right? And I deal with reality instead of just wishing and hoping that things were always easier. It's not going to change. So instead of changing her, right? Change your own attitude toward her. That's what changed my relationship with Casey. So instead of fighting over it every day, why not try bonding over it? You could even let her choose what you do during those 60 seconds of her discomfort. So here's what happened. In the words of her dad, he emailed me back. It was actually later that night because he was super excited. So he said my daughter had to take her supplements. And when she started to complain, I asked her if she wanted me to do 20 pushups while she took her pills. And she smiled and insisted, 25. And my thought inside was, of course, right. That's why I love our kids. And they're going to say, okay, 20. I'm surprised she didn't say, do 40, right? So she took them without a problem and then joined in with me on the pushups. Because you're leading. Then all the Other kids joined in and made it a competition and it was great. So here's what the dad did. He said, I told them if they want to do a competition every night, then they all have to be done. Showers, jammies on, medicine taken, teeth, brush. By 7:40, we do the competition. And then at 7:50 we have story time after. And they all loved it. Look, I know it's not always going to work that easily, but the process and the shift in mindset work so much better. So this week, connection always trumps consequences. Patience, purposefully, slow down purposefully. Sometime when you're in a hurry, practice it. Look, it's so much easier than trying to make your entire family change, than you just simply changing yourself. I've got a little circus going on here. What are the odds that me walking into a room with three kids and a spouse who's upset or who's. Or in my case as a husband, it would be a spouse who's dreading my reaction to the circus going on. So now I've got two, three, four other people that I'm trying to control in this situation, when in reality the only person I can control is myself. And I walk into that room and I say, huh? Instead of trying to control, look, try it on a Sunday morning. For many of you that go to church, Sunday morning is the worst morning of your whole week, right? You're yelling at your kids all the way to church, right? Exhibiting wonderful fruit of the spirit there so you can actually practice this. And then I walk into a room, I counterintuitively do something else, and I lead my family instead of pushing them. Because kids follow leaders, right? And so that humility, because you're justified walking into that room, guys, I do so much for you. And after all I do for you and you can't even do one good. You're justified in that. But it's not like that's ever going to work. But the humility breaks down walls. In the end, some of the worst power struggles can turn into the best bonding moments with your kids. And now you have just modeled right in front of them one of the most important lessons you want to get through, which is when I get frustrated and irritated. Instead of trying to control other people and barking at people and yelling and losing control of myself, I stay in control of myself. That will change your family very, very quickly. So if you want help with that, go to the website celebrateholm.com just get the get everything package. It's like the price of one trip to a therapist office. But I teach you step by step how to do this. If you want to talk to me on the phone, look that up on the website as well. Or email caseycelebratecolumn.com Tell us what you're struggling with. We'll try to help you out. If you need help financially, ask us for help, because that's what we do. We help people. All right, love you all. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it with others. Try to keep these short and sweet so you can practice this stuff on a weekly basis. And we appreciate you sharing this. All right, talk to you later. Love you. Bye.