PANDAS, Pills, Patience & Pushups: Who Wins the Faceoff? - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: "PANDAS, Pills, Patience & Pushups: Who Wins the Faceoff?"

Release Date: April 16, 2023
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

Introduction

In the April 16, 2023 episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the challenging dynamics of parenting strong-willed children, particularly those dealing with PANDAS—an autoimmune disorder that triggers OCD symptoms or tics following a strep infection. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, Kirk offers practical strategies to transform power struggles into bonding moments.

Understanding the Challenge: PANDAS and Strong-Willed Children

Kirk introduces a real-life scenario involving a family where the daughter suffers from PANDAS, leading to resistance in taking necessary supplements and medications. This resistance manifests as whining, complaints, and prolonged attempts to avoid compliance, creating a stressful environment for both the child and the parents.

Kirk Martin [02:15]: "Their daughter has to take vitamins and supplements and pills to help with this condition. And naturally she refuses to take her pills. She whines, she complains and it takes her forever."

This situation is emblematic of the broader issue of managing strong-willed children, especially those with underlying health conditions that require consistent adherence to routines and medications.

The Cycle of Power Struggles

Kirk outlines a common parental frustration: the escalating cycle of resistance from the child and increasing irritation from the parent, often culminating in shouting matches and emotional fallout.

Kirk Martin [03:10]: "The scene turns into a shouting match with big emotions, slamming doors... It gets triggered."

He emphasizes that this cycle is understandable and shared by many parents, eliminating the need for blame or guilt.

Guiding Principles to Overcome Power Struggles

Kirk introduces three key principles to address and transform these challenging interactions:

Connection Over Consequences
Patience and Slowing Down
Leading with Humility Instead of Pushing

1. Connection Over Consequences

Kirk posits that forging a strong emotional connection with the child is more effective than enforcing consequences for disobedience.

Kirk Martin [05:00]: "In situations like this with a strong-willed child, connection almost always trumps consequences."

2. Patience and Slowing Down

Rather than pushing for immediate compliance, Kirk advises parents to purposefully slow down their approach, allowing children the space to engage more willingly.

Kirk Martin [04:30]: "If you have a strong-willed child, you have to purposefully slow your life down."

He explains that pushing leads to resistance, whereas slowing down can paradoxically result in children responding more quickly.

3. Leading with Humility Instead of Pushing

Kirk encourages parents to shift their mindset from frustration to that of an encouraging coach. This involves changing their tone and approach to be more supportive and less demanding.

Kirk Martin [08:45]: "I want you to change your tone from 'this shouldn't be hard' to 'this child is my daughter. When I struggle, I like people being patient with me.'"

Three-Point Plan for Parents

To implement these principles, Kirk offers a concrete three-point plan:

Purposefully Slow Down: Resist the urge to enforce strict timelines and instead allow extra time for tasks, reducing pressure and resistance.

Kirk Martin [09:20]: "The more you slow down, the more your kids actually speed up."
Change Your Tone and Mindset: Adopt a coaching mentality, shifting from authoritative demands to supportive encouragement.

Kirk Martin [10:05]: "Be the encouraging coach in her life instead of the frustrated parent."
Validate, Connect, and Bond: Acknowledge the child's feelings and discomfort, offering empathy and creating opportunities for mutual bonding.

Kirk Martin [12:00]: "Validate where she is. Connect with your child and then bond over it."

Listener Success Story: Turning Resistance into Cooperation

Kirk shares a heartwarming success story from a listener—a father who applied the three-point plan to his family’s bedtime routine. Faced with his daughter's resistance to taking supplements, he proposed a playful challenge:

Kirk Martin [14:10]: "I asked her if she wanted me to do 20 pushups while she took her pills. And she smiled and insisted, '25.'"

This approach not only facilitated pill-taking but also turned it into a family-friendly competition, fostering cooperation and reducing conflict.

Conclusion and Final Tips

Kirk wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of connection, patience, and leading with humility. He encourages parents to adopt these strategies consistently, transforming daily power struggles into opportunities for deeper familial bonds and mutual understanding.

Kirk Martin [19:30]: "Some of the worst power struggles can turn into the best bonding moments with your kids."

He also invites listeners to engage with Celebrate Calm’s resources for further support, emphasizing that changing one’s approach can have profound positive effects on family dynamics.

Key Takeaways

Connection Trumps Control: Building a strong emotional bond with your child is more effective than enforcing strict rules.
Patience Pays Off: Slowing down your approach can reduce resistance and foster cooperation.
Lead with Humility: Adopting a supportive, coaching mindset transforms interactions from confrontations to collaborative efforts.
Practical Implementation: Applying these principles requires consistency and a willingness to adjust one’s mindset and strategies.

Resources and Further Support

For parents seeking additional guidance, Kirk recommends visiting CelebrateCalm.com or contacting Casey at Casey@CelebrateCalm.com. Celebrate Calm offers various programs and personalized support to help families implement these strategies effectively.

By embracing these insights, parents can navigate the complexities of raising strong-willed children with greater ease, transforming daily challenges into meaningful connections and fostering a harmonious family environment.

Transcript

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So.

Kirk Martin (1:21)

Your child is being resistant to doing something they don't like or something they don't want to do. And naturally you get impatient. Your child then whines and complains and takes a long time doing what you ask. So you get irritated and the scene turns into a shouting match with big emotions slamming doors. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you a different idea, something counterintuitive and I want you to see if it works. So that's what we're going to discuss. Thank you for joining us. My name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to us. Email our son Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com Tell us about your family. Ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, we will reply back to you very quickly and usually we try to give you very practical ideas to help because that's what we do. So here's the scene. I was working with this really great family and talking to this dad whose child has pandas or pans P A N D A s or P A N S and I encourage you to just look that up sometime. And I'm simplifying this, but it's an autoimmune disorder that triggers OCD symptoms or tics after a strep infection. And whenever parents are telling me about their kids exhibiting tics or OCD tendencies, I recommend that they look up pandas. And I mention this because it occurs fairly frequently among our kids and many doctors don't recognize it at all. So it goes undiagnosed, which is sad because it's easily treatable with pretty good success. So their daughter has to take vitamins and supplements and pills to help with this condition. And naturally she refuses to take her pills. She whines, she complains and it takes her forever. Naturally her parents get impatient because they have to sit and watch her actually swallow pills. Because like all amazing strong willed children, she will fake taking them or she'll lie. So what should be a 30 second non event drags on for 8 to 10 minutes or more. And I know you've been there because your kids dawdle and they put things off and it irritates you and it triggers you, right? Because many of you are type A like me or you were raised like me with a, with a military dad, right? And if you're not like five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late and so it triggers you and you've by the way, you've probably over scheduled your kids lives. Look, if you have a strong willed child, you have to purposefully slow your life down. You do. I know, but kids need to learn, yeah, they will learn how to do things in the real world. They will and they'll do it fine. But you can't artificially create, create this kind of timeline that we do in modern day life where it's like you live on a razor's edge and it's like if you're a little bit right, things are not going as smoothly as they're supposed to in your well oiled machine of life, right? You're going to be late and you get triggered purposefully slow your life down. You know this stuff is going to happen all the time. So stop trying to live on that razor's edge will just cause every anxious and force things. And you know when you try to force things with strong will kids, they just resist even more, right? What happens now? The tone, your tone gets increasingly demanding and increasingly irritated. And you know this voice, right? Whenever Casey get, Casey, get, get downstairs. As soon as you get to that tone you've got to stop, right? It's nothing ends well after that. So you know what happens next that triggers the child to shut down even more. And then the cycle escalates into screaming matches, tears, slam doors and we've all been there before. No blame, no guilt for this. It's understandable. It is frustrating and you shouldn't have to go through this. But we all have irritating flaws that our wives and kids and friends and co workers put up with. So who is going to win this face off over taking pills? Right? And I get this all the time. Like, well, they just do it as a control issue. And my response is, you have control issues, too, because we all have control issues. We all try to control things because so much of life is out of our control. You're trying to control your child half the time, so I get it. But it's not just, it's not just a control issue. And it's like, well, I can't let her win. Well, I encourage you to drop that line of thinking because if your goal throughout your child's life, childhood is just to win against them, Right. That's not the right mindset. And by the way, you're not going to win a lot with them because they have an iron will. So it doesn't have to be right. It doesn't have to be a battle of wills. You don't have to choose to enter the courtroom with your little attorney. Right. Or the boxing ring. And I don't like declaring a winner or loser when it comes to a relationship. Unless you want to be a tyrant with subjects, but no real relationships. Okay? That's not what this is about. So this wonderful couple said, this has been without a doubt the hardest thing that my wife and I have ever dealt with. Right? Just having a strong willed child, it's hard parenting, marriage, relationships, it's way harder than my job. Right to me. So here are some guiding principles. In situations like this with a strong willed child, connection almost always trumps consequences. Patience and slowing down often help kids move more quickly. It's counterintuitive, but it's true. Push and you get pushback. Lead and kids will often follow. See, while you're justified in being upset or frustrated, humility often breaks down walls and solves these situations. And in the end, some of the worst power struggles can be the best bonding moments. This week, I really, I want you to choose a common power struggle. What part of the day do you struggle with most? And I want you to apply these principles of connection of the patient. Slowing down rate of leading, rate of humility, and turning the power struggles into a bonding moment. You can do it. Okay. That's part of what we teach parents. It's the biggest thing we teach. And it's why we love this process, because you can take what is usually so irritating and turn it into a positive. So here's the three point plan we came up with these parents. One, purposefully slow down when you encounter a power struggle. And I get it, it's hard to do, it's counterintuitive, but it works. Pushing and using that pushy, irritating tone triggers resistance in your kids. And ironically, sometimes the more you slow down, the more your kids actually speed up. And I'll give you also another corollary to that right now, but I've got to take a drink of water, so chill with me for this. And I'm not editing this out because I like practicing imperfection because of my own control issues. So. Corresponding corollary, sometimes when you step back from trying to control situations, it gives your kids space to step up. See, when you as the adult and I got this, I was doing a phone consultation with his dad yesterday. He's got a big personality, right? And he's a man of action. He's got ideas, he's a vision guy. And he's wondering, like, why won't my son step up? And I was like, he doesn't have room to step up. Why? Because you are such a presence that when you are there and he does try to step up, you're there to quickly correct him, to guide him, to show him a different way. And he doesn't have any space to actually show initiative because you're too busy just standing there watching him. So the more you slow down, the more your kids actually speed up. Sometimes the more you step back, the more your kids have room to actually step up. You can't push these kids. They will resist. And dads, I need you to know this. I know your impulse is, I got to push them. I got to push them. It's not going to work with these kids. And they will eventually shut down and know I can't please you. So you have to lead them right now. Look, I'm a realist. I know you have busy lives and you're exhausted. And I know how frustrating it is to ask your kids do something simple and easy. That should just take 15 seconds. Your patience, your impatience and your frustration, they're justified. But you can be right and justified and it still won't make her take her bills. And it almost always makes things worse. So do the opposite of your instincts the next time you encounter resistance and watch what happens. I love doing the opposite. You'll learn that in 30 days to calm. Right? Because we go through your triggers. And if you get our programs, the Calm Parenting Podcast or just get everything, it's on sale now, right? Spring sale. Look, I get frustrated because people email me 15 times. I'm like, I put all the answers there. I'll show you step by step how to do it in all these different situations, give you all these options. But just go through the program, right? I spent a lot of time on that and like if you'll go through, I'll teach you. You can email me with your specific triggers. And one of my favorite tools is, well, look, what you're doing right now is getting you the exact opposite response that you want. So what if you did the opposite of what you normally did? Maybe you'll get a positive response to it, right? Because none of us like to be rushed and micromanaged either.