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Calm Parenting Podcast
Pt. 1: How to Shut Up & Stop Lecturing (So Kids Actually Listen To You) #447
00:24:19
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- [00:01]
Kirk Barton
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Barton
So do you feel compelled to lecture your kids? Do you have a hard time stopping? Do you feel like you're being permissive if you don? Do you go on and on hoping your kids will finally get it and change their behavior? Do you lecture because you weren't heard as a kid? Well, you're not alone. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's first of two episodes on how to shut up and stop lecturing so your kids actually listen to you and take responsibility for their own behavior. So welcome. This is Kirk Barton, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our winter sale@celebratecalm.com so our most popular newsletter back in the day when we used to write one was titled Shut up. And I was always worried that people would get offended. But they didn't. And whenever I post a video on Instagram or TikTok or Facebook about this, parents are unusually receptive to the message. And I have a lot of respect for you for being willing to change. And here's why this is so important. Lecturing and talking too much makes kids more angry. It makes them less receptive to your wisdom and it breeds resentment within your kids and inside of you. It destroys trust and relationships. And the worst thing in some ways is you go through all of that and it still doesn't work. So back in December I released a video and I asked people to comment on why it's so hard to stop talking so much. And so I spent the past couple months really going through all of the responses so I could address them individually and specifically. So I'm not going to format this as like ten ways to stop. Instead, I want to read through the actual questions and comments and then provide my honest feedback because I think that will be really, really instructive. And I think you'll hear your own fears and anxiety in this as well. So here goes. Oh, I'm going to ask you this too. I may be a little bit harsh at times in this and I don't mean to offend you. I'll be very direct, but always know I don't do blame or guilt, any of those things. But sometimes I will be a little bit tough. So one of the best questions was this. It's like I'm actually having a hard time identifying when or, or if I'm lecturing. I have no idea what qualifies as a lecture. So let's start there. What is a lecture? So to me, a good way to discern that is this. If what you are saying is tinged with or born of your own parental anxiety, then your kids will sense that and resist that. When we lecture, it feels like we're being compelled out of anxiety to, to talk. I hope you know what that means. It's kind of like, well, I kind of need to tell them. I really need to tell them because if I don't tell them, see that kind of uneasy feeling inside. And I know you know what that feels like because I can think of probably a hundred times in my life when I've said something to someone out of feeling compelled and it never works. And so it definitely feels more like nagging than teaching. And we tend to go on and on when we lecture. Right. If you've listened to our discipline program, you know that the fewer words you use, the more confident you sound when you discipline, when you go on and on, it's like you're trying to talk yourself into it, you're trying to justify it. And I don't know any strong willed kids or actually many humans who like to hear someone's voice drone on and on. Lecturing repeats itself over and over. Well, I don't think you heard me the first 53 times I told you. So I'm just going to try again and say it in a different way. And see, we often excuse it because, well, we just love our kids so much and we want the best for them. And if I'm being honest, lecturing is more about you satisfying your own need, your own anxiety, your own desire to talk and to prove something. It's prioritizing that over their behavior. Right? It's prioritizing. It's more about your own control issues than it is about ultimately helping them. But teaching sounds different. See, teaching sounds confident. I'm not entangled with my child and their emotions. I'm not entangled with trying, feeling compelled like I have to get through to them. My expectation is very different. I'm allowing the child to own his or her choice or choices rather than trying to convince them to do it for me or for any other reason. I am saying, hey, here's what I found in life. Things tend to go better for me when I do X Hey, I could show you a different way to try this in case you want to do it. And then I show them how I would do it but without a lot of words or expectation that they will immediately do it my way. See, there's a big difference in that lecturing because I'm trying to convince and I really need you to listen to me and I need you to do what I want. You can you feel that Versus saying hey, I'm a grown adult, I've been around for a while. I'm going to show you, I'm going to teach you and I'm going to trust that you will get this. See, teaching tends to be more decisive and non emotional. It puts the onus or responsibility on the child taking responsibility. When you are lecturing, you are too emotionally invested in it. You are an equal part of the equation. It's like, well I'm doing my part by lecturing you over this again and again explaining things. And your job is to do what I tell you to do. See, teaching is modeling. It's dropping wisdom, then stepping back and letting your kids own their choices. You just have to relinquish control over over how they accomplish certain things. And I know that's hard. So a very common feeling is, well, I just feel like I have to say or do something. I really want you to practice this this week. Give yourself permission to say nothing. Stop filling that space. Give yourself permission to know that it's not your job to fix your kids. It's not your job to fix situation. You've heard me say this. Sometimes when we try to fix situations, we escalate and we make it a lot worse. So if nothing else, this week I would write this one down. Give yourself permission that in this particular instance, I'm not going to fix it and I'm not going to say anything and that's going to drive you crazy for a little bit. But just watch how your kids respond. Now here is another comment. I'm Italian, so we just talk a lot. And I'm going to be both sincere and a little offensive here. So look, you can't make excuses for this because I could say the same thing. Well, I have adhd. I'm neurodivergent, and that just means I talk all the time. Well, I know that's in my wiring, but it's also an excuse. And I'm also hurting relationships by doing that. Right. I also have some Scottish and Irish background. Does that mean I'm destined to be an alcoholic and drink a lot? So in my notes, when the person had said this, I'd written like, oh, I'm Italian. And my response was like, no, you're just being annoying. And I love my Italian friends and I love your food and I love your big personalities, but it's clearly irritating your kids, so why would you keep doing that? And yes, I do want you to feel guilty about this. I do, I want you to regret this because I, I want you to feel that. So. And forgive me for this. So you effing stop already. It's just after a while sometimes, and this is the hard part of this that I warned you about, it just becomes selfish because it becomes more about me and my need to express my anxiety and what you're doing wrong. And that's selfish. And selfishness never works in life. It's not good. So forgive me if I was a little too rough on you, but you probably needed that, so cut it out. Stop it. So here's the really cool thing and here's the, here's the first negative thing, right? If you continue doing that, you're just teaching your kids to be as annoying as you are not having any self control or self discipline because you're just impulsively blurting out lots of words that don't help. But the cool part is, if you do learn to master this, and you can, you will be teaching your kids how to have constructive discussions and handle conflict with their future spouse and kids one day rather than just feeling justified to say stuff because you are the parent, you're the authority figure, right? Like, think of all those excuses. Well, I have add. I talk a lot. I'm Italian, I'm the parent, I'm the authority figure. Those are just excuses. And it doesn't Change the fact that it doesn't work now for most of us, where we get stuck is that we just get worried about our kids future, right? So it's about this. You have to control your anxiety over their future. And I go back and listen to the podcast from early January on controlling your own anxiety. Because we have to stop projecting into the future and thinking your child will always be like this. Because we start that when they're three or four in pre K and they can't sit still and they're getting in trouble or they're sitting in a hoodie sweatshirt when they're tweens playing video games all the time. We project into the future. We have to stop that and be more confident. So changing some of your own expectations and working with your child's nature will help a lot. Now here's another good one from these are great comments from all of you, so thank you. I get overwhelmed. The mom said the most challenging part is I've got three young kids under the age of five and it's all the stimulation I get all day long. And by the end of the day the yelling and screaming can really set me off. And if I say to them I need a minute or two, one of my two year olds will cry for me. Look, of course this would set you off. That would set me off as well. You're a completely normal human being. It would be weird if you had a bunch of loud, noisy little kids demanding your attention and you were just happy. Go lucky all the time and it didn't bother you. This is completely normal. But here's a challenge. Something I want you to practice. And this is for if you have teens as well. In those moments when you're just overwhelmed and there's all that chaos and noise, turn on some music in the background. Music has an amazing way of kind of modulating moods and emotions in the environment. And then sit down. Just sit. Start reading a book. Color. Lay out a jigsaw puzzle. Start playing with play. D'oh. Begin creating something or building something. The closer to the floor you are, the better. Learn how to modulate your child's behavior without using words. Because our words just add fuel and confusion and chaos and really practice this. I learned this because we had 1500 kids in our home over the course of a decade. It's usually 10, 12, 15 kids at a time. They were all loud, they were all did all this stuff. And I either could learn how to do this or I would murder children. And I didn't think that was a good idea. So I learned how to become kind of that calm, quiet, but very engaged adult they were drawn to see. Talking and conversing requires a lot of energy from you. Coloring is really therapeutic and relaxing. And I would add this, you can try this with teenagers as well. Do you know how grounding it is to be a teenager filled with raging hormones and all the social media swirling around them and for them to just sit and color and be next to someone who's calm, who's in no drama? Try that this week. It's a really cool thing that will help you stop lecturing and help change the entire environment.
- [14:23]
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- [15:13]
Kirk Barton
You should as well.
- [15:14]
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- [15:52]
Kirk Barton
Don'T have what you want.
- [15:54]
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- [16:50]
Kirk Barton
So the most common comment on that Instagram post was, well, I keep lecturing because I hope that if I keep talking and lecturing I'll eventually get through through and they'll kind of get it right. One comment was I think this was my friend Jess from New England was because we think if we keep going we might help them reach an aha moment with their behavior. Look, your kids are never going to say mom, dad, I hadn't really thought of that before, but after you lectured me for the 18th time, the light bulb finally went off and I realized how much wisdom you have. Yeah, that's not happening, Jess. You'd be better off just going to Dairy Queen, getting a blizzard. Way better use of your time than lecturing. So now, right, like now that you reminded me of that for the 18th time, I'm going to get some insight. It doesn't work that way. They have to learn by touching the hot stove and learning it themselves. Another comment, well, I want to make sure they get it. Well, that guarantees that they don't and they won't get it. Well, strong willed mom said a strong will parent raising a strong willed child. I think if I keep lecturing one of these days my son will get that light bulb moment. There it is again with whatever the lecture is about. It's always from a place of love. But man, it doesn't sound very loving. Really good insight there, mom. Right. It is from a place of love. You want so badly to help your kids. But it doesn't sound loving because you know what it sounds like? It sounds like this. It sounds you're not really capable of being successful. So I just keep have to telling you, have to tell you again and again and again and you're really not capable. See, inadvertently, that's the message that we end up saying. So a person said, for me, it's because I feel like my message is not getting through. So I'm trying to explain and re. Explain into what for them is a lecture. For me, it's just trying to get them to understand. But talking about endlessly won't work. Discipline means to teach. So think about this instead. Instead of a lot of words and lectures, how can we show and teach kids a different way to handle situations. You know, we talk about giving kids tools to succeed. So I give them a challenge, I create a success, and then I give a lot of energy to. Oh, that was really good choice. Love how you handle that. Remember the rewind and replay example for younger kids? Your little kid walks into the room, steals something from his brother, and instead of that long lecture, you know, I don't know how many times I have to tell you, it's not nice to take things from another person. In our home, we share, we don't do. See, all those long lectures mean nothing. But instead, you could say, hey, that's not working, but here's what we're going to do. Rewind. Replay. And rewind is kids have to walk backwards out of the room, because that's kind of fun for a little kid. And then they walk back in the room, and you can show them, physically show them how to handle it and how to ask their brother for that toy or handle it in a different situation, how to talk to you in a different way. And I encourage you, as parents do, rewind and replay. When you're lecturing too much, just say, oh, you know what? That's all about me. That's my own anxiety. I'm going to rewind and replay. And so you walk out of. You walk back out of the kitchen where you were just lecturing, and you walk back in, and you notice something positive that they're doing. You affirm them for something. See, that's modeling. That's really cool. Role playing is real. That's part of role playing. It's really, really effective when you do those things. So, you know, you can add an apology to that. Because I just thought about this. There was a time, I remember Casey came down the stairs, and he was younger, and I was immediately on him like, hey, did you get your schoolwork done? Why'd you wait till the last moment? And then I realized that was all about the fact that I was behind on my own work. So I stopped and I said, case, I apologize. That wasn't about you. That was about me. And see, I'm modeling for him how to handle my own behavior. You know, practice saying this sometime. I love that child comes to you and says something, and instead of responding with the immediate, oh, let me give you lecture 43B on how to make good friends. Instead, you say, hey, I appreciate you sharing that with me. Hey, right? And inside, I'm saying, right now, I want more than anything to launch into my three favorite lectures. So I can help you avoid making bad decisions, but instead I'm going to go work on something in the garage, the basement, the kitchen. So instead you say, hey, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I've got some ideas about that if you want to come grab me later. See, and then you walk away and I'm demonstrated. I hear you. I do have something to say. But I'm going to give you power over when and if I share that. It's in your court now as the child, instead of me dumping all my fear and anxiety on you. That is very, very powerful. But just don't be offended if they come in later. Okay? What are your stupid ideas? Because that's what it may sound like. And you can drop wisdom on there them. One of my favorite phrases you've heard me say is like, hey, you know, I've discovered something in life. It's that when I do X or when people do X, it tends to work out a lot better. And then I tend to walk away or change the subject. And I give them space to process that themselves rather than dumping it into a long lecture with all this pressure. So dig into this a little bit. Why does their behavior make you feel like you have failed or you are doing something wrong? Why does their behavior trigger you so much? Why do you have to fix their behavior or how they do things? And I just saw this comment on Instagram about an 11 year old boy getting out of the shower, leaves his wet towel and clothes on the floor. And I mean, what do you expect? This is what kids do, they aren't grown adults. And yes, I know the wet towel makes his comforter wet and it'll be uncomfortable later. And that bothers you so much. And this is hard because you're thinking outside. This isn't so difficult. Just hang up your towel. It's not hard, son, but for some of you, it's that when your child goes to take a shower the next day, the towel is still going to be wet. And that ick skew out because who wants to dry off with a cold wet towel? And so you see, it's easily fixable and you mention it, but it's just wasted words. Well, won't he grow up to be a slob? In my experience, no. Unless your home is a wreck and you're a hoarder. But at some point your child's going to live on his own and either make it orderly or someone will make fun of him, or a girlfriend will call him a slob and at 23, he'll become a neat freak. Right, but. But if he doesn't, who cares? It's not like any of your lectures really help. And I've mentioned before, our son was was horribly messy as a kid and he's completely organized now as an adult. That's just your own anxiety. Look, I'd rather you not lecture and nag and instead when your child is at school, just go in and pick up the towel, tidy up for five minutes. Everybody will be happy. No one will have gotten lectured. Well, aren't I enabling him by picking up everything for him? No, not unless you do that in every area of his life. But just going in quietly and happily to make yourself feel better and do this is a form of modeling and it just works better. So chill a little bit. Another comment. Hey, I do it because nothing's working. It's hard because we don't believe they're listening when a negative pattern continues. And I completely get that. And that's why I'd rather isolate the behavior and think, what specific tools can we give our child to make different choices in this particular situation? And maybe you break it down into smaller parts and create a success or get a small win. Look, if you're asking your kids do three chores and they don't do any, start with one. Make it a challenge, make it a fun and then fun and then affirm them for that. But let's move on. And then you can move on to another pattern, but keep modeling it. A mom had said this. I just asked my 13 year old daughter this question because I was curious what her response would be. And I said, how does it feel when we're lecturing you? And she said it feels terrible and it doesn't help. And mom asked, well, why do you feel like it doesn't help? Listen to the response from the daughter. Because you're talking and talking and it doesn't fix anything and it just makes me feel worse. You're just telling me things instead of helping. That's really good insight and we talk about that all the time. It would be better to not say anything at times, even to say, you know what, I don't know what to do right now. And give it time and space, but too much talking when kids are upset makes them even more upset. They need action steps, not more words. When your kids are doing something wrong when they're upset, don't be moved by it. Don't be surprised that kids are acting like kids. Instead you come alongside and acknowledge and then give an action plan. Yeah, that stinks. For sure. Hey, here's something to think about. Hey, I found it often works best when I do this and then you walk away and give them space to process it. The only real time you should be talking a lot is if your kids ask you questions. But even then I start out short and sweet. Or when you're in a gen. Look, if you're in a genuinely good two way discussion that isn't driven by your anxiety or your agenda, by all means, talk, talk, talk. But another way to tell if you're lecturing or teaching is if you feel like you have an agenda or outcome you are emotionally invested in. I really, really want my child to hear me. So they do X or Y. See, that's kind of a red flag that it's going to backfire and that's when I try to back off and then invite them and I give action steps. So let's end there. I hope I fit a lot of things in for you to begin thinking about this week, begin practicing and in the next episode I'm going to go through. Well, what happens when my teen isn't saying anything and I need to break the silence? What about feeling like I'm being permissive? If I don't say something, it's some parents have said it's how I process or let off steam. I was never given a voice as a child, so we'll go through that. But this week, next few days, let's practice this. Give yourself permission to not say anything or fix things. Work on your own anxiety. Practice sitting and leading kids to a calm place. Do the coloring thing. Try that thing this week of like, hey, I've heard you. I've got some thoughts on that. Why don't you come grab me later and I'll be glad to share with you. Try that this week and just watch how it works. Moms and dads, if we can help you, let us know. I thank you for working so hard at this. Thank you for breaking those generational patterns and love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.