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Calm Parenting Podcast
Q&A: Fear of Failure, Calming A Chaotic Home, Child Doesn’t Want to Participate?
00:24:52
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
Casey
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So do you have a child who has a fear of failure, who gets upset when he strikes out or when she lets in a goal and and that embarrasses you in front of the other parents? What about a child who doesn't want to participate in a school or church drama? An adult with post work restraint collapse? Do you want to plan for when your home erupts into chaos? I know you do. And how about a really cool Christmas idea for under five bucks for a kid who likes to tinker with things? Well, that's what we're going to discuss on today's bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can learn more about us and our Christmas sale christmas@celebratecalm.com and I'm not fixing that because I'm already on about take seven. So if you need help, email Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? How old are your kids? We get together as a family, we discuss it and we email you back even during the holidays because that's what we do and we want to help you. So I thought I'd try to do a short podcast answering some random questions questions from parents. So first question, should we force our child to participate in the school church drama? I'm getting a lot of this. Like our child doesn't want to do it. It's causing them a lack of sleep. They're melting down. They kind of freeze up. So here's my long winded answer. No. No. There's no need to force a child to participate in some arbitrary activity that doesn't matter in life. I remember Casey would go up on stage and we were the proud parents out there watching him, and he totally freeze up and just look out and then you'd see his eyes, little teardrops come down. And what's interesting is later in life he did school assemblies, like hundreds of these across the country, talking to kids. So my answer is no. And I know some of your responses will be, well, your child has to learn there are uncomfortable things in life that you just have to push through. Totally agree. But not when you're 4 or 7 or 10. And certainly not when you're being asked to do something arbitrary that you'll never have to do the rest of your life. And this is one of those things. It's just one of those expectations that we have in life, like, oh, you're in a church play or in this. Or in this first grade little Christmas drama and everybody's up there in their cute little outfits. And some kids kill it at that. They're awesome and they're adorable and their parents are going to blow up their pictures and it's going to be awesome. But then there's your child, right, who doesn't want to participate. And so here's my response. This was in particular a younger child. I was like, your child's only five. He's just not ready to participate in these activities. And who cares if all the other little kids in that response, I called them lemmings. I'm just kidding. But are good at doing arbitrary things like this. Who cares? I know I'm being a little bit snarky and a little bit tough intentionally so. It sinks in. It doesn't matter what all the other kids are doing. It doesn't matter what the expectations of the school and the teachers and society are. It doesn't matter. What matters is your child. Your child at this age, especially young kids, are not supposed to be following strict directions. They simply aren't ready. And your child doesn't care about what they're doing. And that's 100% okay. Don't be embarrassed by your child and don't apologize. This is completely age appropriate and it's completely okay that they don't care about it and don't want to do it. Now listen, it doesn't mean you let your child run around wild. So while they're at rehearsal, at school or the church, I want the teacher, this class leader, to give your child some other job or activity to do during this time so that they don't have to be on stage. But they also, I don't want them just running around. Right. You're talking be building with Legos, coloring, looking at picture books, helping the teachers with a job of some kind. An older child could be working behind the scenes scenery. But I would feel zero obligation to have your child participate in something that's completely arbitrary and that he won't have to do in his or her adult life. And I'm going, I'm being a little bit tough with this because you're going to run into this a lot, probably 50 different situations like this between ages 4 and 14. And you're always going to have to decide what is most important and what you have to let go, what is arbitrary, what is unimportant and what is important. That's going to happen a lot. You're going to run up against societal expectations of the grandparents, of the teacher, of the school, of the church, and you're going to have to have the courage to say, we're just not doing it well, why isn't he going to be involved? You know, other kids are doing. I'm encouraging you to be strong. Do not sacrifice your child, your child's confidence, just your child's spirit on the altar of what everybody else wants them to do. Let your child get your four and five and six year olds. Let them be kids and explore and be curious and let them at these events do quiet activities they enjoy while all the other wonderful kids do their thing on stage. Right? Because all these other kids will work for him one day when he owns his own business and he needs some rule followers that he has to hire and not pay a lot of money to. Snarkiness there, but still kind of true. And yes, I know your parents and other parents and church and school leaders will judge you tough. It's not their son, it's your child. And you are a great mom. So enjoy your little guy and take all the stress out of this. Nobody needs all that stress. Oh, okay, here's one. So get a lot of these as well. My child has a fear of failure and this particular one was baseball of like, hey, he's striking out and he begins to cry and it's embarrassing and we try to reassure him, stop reassuring. So sometimes when we reassure reassuring kids that Everything is okay is the same as trying to convince them that they should do something. It doesn't work with the strong willed child. It sounds condescending and it sounds like weakness to them. I like you being a little bit more even and matter of fact. So here is my answer to this particular set of parents. I was kind of that kid when I was little, extra sensitive, took it too seriously. Like losing meant I was a loser. So here are a few thoughts. You're probably going to have to simply let him work much of this out on his own, which means you're going to be embarrassed frequently in front of the other parents. I have no other way to say it. You're just going to have to be the grown up and not be moved by that. Sometimes it just takes some time and maturity. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. I know what we do as parents and I want to caution you, dads especially, you're going to take it like, well, if he can't learn to play games when he's seven, how's he ever going to belly the reindeer games when he's an adult? Well, you don't have. It doesn't work that way. Kids grow up. The kid's a little kid. He's learning how to deal with this. Am I saying it's right? No, it's not right at all. And I'm going to give you some tools to deal with this, but it's not a big deal. I would encourage you. I am on the back end of this. I'm an older guy and I'm trying to impart some older guy wisdom to you. Most of the stuff that you're really worried about doesn't matter. It just seems like it matters in the moment because this is what you're going through and there are all these other parents and you're comparing your child to other kids and it seems like. And then some of you listen to like rigid like religious kind of podcasts or teachers is like, well, you need to get on them about this because. No, you don't. No, you actually don't. You can just let them work this out over time. Look, look how many of you are in your 30s and 40s and you still struggle with stuff and you're still working it out, right? There are guys who are working out stuff that I can't even talk about on the podcast, right. Who still stay up late at night, watch things on the Internet, but you're still working that stuff out. Like, so chill a little bit. Second thing I told the parents or advised, recommended to the parents, let the coach, let the mentor teach your child lessons come better from a coach than they do from a parent. He'll also learn from peer pressure and that's okay. Some of the other kids may get on him about his crying and that's okay. I'm not talking about bullying him, I'm just talking about one of the kids on the bench probably taking him aside or just say like, hey, quit crying. And sometimes that's what it takes. I do like parents teaching their kids how to lose. Well, as long as dad and mom don't shame him. It's like I mentioned this before with soccer kids, it didn't do well when they're letting in a goal. I would just practice with them. I actually practice scoring on them and teaching them how to deal with it. I practiced with 1500 kids because none of them were good at losing and they all wanted to control the game, change, cheat, quit, change the rules of the game, all those things. And I would play with them and I purposefully beat them in a game and talk them through it so they didn't feel like a loser. So you can do that. But here's what I would really focus on is I practice a new response. Literally practice. And I mean role play. A code word he can say when he strikes out or a particular action to take. Have a prearranged plan. Like he walks to the bench, he sits down and he takes a bite of a snack or drink of Gatorade or Gatorade or he strikes out, he turns around, he walks away and he fist bumps the next batter up and says crush it dude. But I'd like to have some kind of pre planned action for him to take and then practice that. Do it in the backyard while you're playing wiffle ball or whatever sport you're playing and then look up stats on his favorite baseball player because they only get hits like 1/3 of the time. So Mrs.
- [11:53]
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- [12:09]
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- [12:38]
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- [14:23]
Kirk Martin
Otherwise, relax. Don't make a big deal out of it. Let him learn how to handle this without being watched and lectured. Sometimes it's that pressure that makes it worse when if we give some kids some space, they'll figure it out and they'll work it out. And you try not parents. Try not to be so embarrassed by other parents who are going to judge you eventually. Grow out of this or learn how to deal with it. Probably just have a sweet, sensitive kid who's not very confident yet. And that's okay because I was that kid too. Okay, third question. This was I'm struggling with this one. Here's a question from a good mom who's asking about her husband comes home from work and he has post work restraint collapse. Oh, I didn't mean. I didn't mean. I didn't mean to dismissively sigh like that. But it's what comes out. It's look, life is stressful. We're just coming up with fancy ways of saying things like this life is hard and it's stressful. Whether you work outside the home, it's some kind of company for someone else, running your own business, whether you stay home with kids all day, whether you homeschool your kids, whether you're taking care of elderly parents, all of these things are stressful and hard. They're emotionally and mentally taxing. And then on top of that, you have to have relationships with children and a spouse who irritate you. And so I won't address post work restraint collapse because I kind of think it's a BS title. It's just called Life. I worked for 20 years in the corporate world, and this was back in the day when you actually had to go to an office. Remember back in the day, for those of you who are older, you had to do kind of before iPhone FaceTime, there was a thing where you needed to be seen in office by the boss early in the morning, later in the afternoon. I hated the corporate world. It was very taxing for me. And then I had to drive through a lot of traffic, which is irritating, and then get home and walk in and. And there's Legos all over the floor. Homework hasn't been done. My wife's upset about something. Guess what? That's called life. And we deal with that every single episode of the Calm parenting podcast, which is you have to proactively develop ways to relieve stress wherever it is, whether you are a homeschooling mom. Remember on those homeschooling episodes I just did? It's two times a day at least. Homeschooling mom needs to say, hey. Every morning at 10:47 and 1:33, I get seven minutes of alone time because I need to do some self care. So on the way home from work, here's what I had to learn how to do. I learned sometimes to drive home in complete silence. Sometimes I would play calming music. Sometimes I'd listen to a favorite podcast or. Or I would play the calm parenting package because it's. I'm kidding, but I would. I made that. I had to take care of myself. And that's all. Look, that's. We all have to do that. No matter what you are as an adult. It doesn't matter how hard your job is, you still have to do all of these things. By the way, I'm just going to say this. I try to do examples for all different kinds of home environments because there's single moms or single dads. There are women who work outside the home and are the breadwinners and Dads who stay home, there's the opposite. There's both parents work. There are parents with many jobs. We have gay couples that do phone consultations with everything. And I can't always. It gets cumbersome to mention all of that. And, and so I want to say this. Please don't get offended by if I don't say your particular situation. And if I want to say it more bluntly, please don't use it as an excuse because that's what I find most often. Well, you know, in your podcast you mentioned this, but that's not how our family. Well, fine, but don't use it as an excuse because it doesn't matter whether you're a single mom, a single dad, a gay couple mom working outside the home, or dad or boat, it doesn't matter. You, you all, all of us still have to do these same things. We have to control our emotions first, talk in a calm, matter of fact voice. We have to lead our kids to calm. We have to learn how to validate with intensity, use motion changes, emotion. You still have to do all the same stuff. None of it really changes. And then when you get home, you have to make that switch in your heart and brain and not take your stress out on your kids. I will push back and just say that's an excuse. Well, and I get this a lot from moms. Well, my husband's job is really stressful. Okay, so whose isn't right and isn't your job stressful? What I hear sometimes is making excuses for why your husband hasn't learned how to control himself. I'm not dismissing the fact that his job or your job is stressful. They are. Life is stressful and hard for everyone. Some have more stressful jobs, but it doesn't excuse any of us from having to grow up. Right. It's not like, well, his job is like an 11 out of 10 on that. So it's okay if he just takes it out on his kids. No, it's not. So I have some podcasts coming up on handling your own triggers, on handling your controlling your own anxiety and learning how to control your own emotions. But what I told this mom was, I don't think being stressed from work is any different than being stressed from being a mom or anything else that everybody goes through on a daily basis. And I would caution all of us on all the labels we're putting on everything, because what it does is it just. It bifurcate. It creates these divisions and things and it takes it. Sometimes it creates excuses for things And I don't want there to be excuses. I can validate and say, of course that's hard. What you do every day is hard. But then that doesn't lead to. So it's okay if you just. No, it's not okay. It just means it's harder. So, okay, when you have chaos in your home, and this is a cool one, I was doing a phone consultation with a family and they've got a lot of moving parts. And I was like, look, you, you've got a plan. You, you are going to have days when nothing goes right, no matter how great a parent you are. You're just going to have chaos when things just don't go well. And some people in your home, whether it's a parent or the kids, are just in a bad mood, irritable, not feeling well. So I want you to have a fire escape plan. Plan for it. So I encourage this family to have a list, three things on the refrigerator that would change the energy of the home in that moment. Because you know what it's like when the kids start misbehaving or they're fighting or being loud or they're not listening. And then your tone, guys, if I have to tell you what, See, as soon as you hear that, I want you to stop and recognize this doesn't have anything to do with your kids immediately. It has to do with you. And if you. Not as a blame thing, but if you will reset yourself and say, oh, the last 85 times I used that tone and that phrase, it escalated things, it didn't work. That's when I want you to not have to fix everything, but just have the awareness of something's off with the kids, something's off with me. I don't feel good, My spouse doesn't feel good. Let's change the entire energy of the home. I want you to have a plan for it that's preset. So put a little list on your refrigerator so you can refer to it. Because in the moment it's hard to think of these things. So you just get frustrated. Guys, you know what if I tell you one more time, we are not going out later today to the mall or to the restaurant or to your favorite place. And you know what? Your play date is canceled. And then what happens? You just create like six more hours of fighting. So here were the three. I actually added one three to come up with. Divide and conquer. What is that? Mom takes one of the kids, dad takes one of the other kids, and you go do something different. Well, but we like to do everything together as a family. Why? Because that's really hard sometimes. And I love that you want to do everything together as a family, like the Waltons, and be this awesome family. But. But there's nothing wrong with dividing and conquering. Some days your kids just need a little bit of alone time. If you've got three kids, maybe it's two go with one and one goes with the other. You know what I'm saying? Here's the other one I added, in this case, their grandma. They have, and this is interesting, they've got a little daughter who's kind of a terror at times around the house, but she is awesome for her grandmother. Every Sunday, this little girl goes with her grandma to church and they go out to lunch together. Doesn't that fit what our kids are really good at? Why? Because she's hanging out with an adult. They're good in the adult world. And then she gets to dress up and go out to lunch. And I guarantee all these different people come by the table to talk to this grandma, and this daughter just charms them because she loves the adult world. And then she goes home and has a horrible meltdown and her parents yell at her. Right. That's how it works. Use grandma. If Grandma and grandpa are really good with your kids and they live close by, use them for help. There's nothing wrong with them. These parents were like, you mean it's okay to send them over to her house a couple afternoons every week? Yeah, why not? Grandma gets some awesome time with her granddaughter. Granddaughter does her homework over there. It gives you and your compliant kids a break. Nothing wrong with that. Okay, number two idea. Write down treasure hunt. You know what's fun? Treasure hunts. I know I mention all the time. You know why? Because it works really well. Hi. I know there's snow on the ground in some places. Well, we can't do a treasure hunt outside. Yeah, you can. Some of your kids throw some coins out in the snow, make them go look for it. Some of your kids would love that. Just control your own anxiety about, like, oh, they're going to catch a cold and die. Well, they're probably not. And I trust you as a parent to know when it's too cold to go out in the snow. And by the way, your kids probably aren't going to wear jackets, but they're just in the backyard, so before they get frostbite, they'll probably come in. It's going to be okay. Face painting, any kind of other activity. It's kind of fun that your Child likes, just go and do it. And then I wrote this. I had this one of like, it's the embarrassed dad game. I don't know why, but sometimes it's really fun in the family when you kind of make fun of dad a little bit or dad volunteers to be kind of the guinea pig with a game. There's something about dads, and this is not like a disrespect thing. It happened in our home all the time. There's something about humility that calms people. There's something just about laughing. I'd write that word down. Some of you have not had laughter in your home in a few days, a few weeks, a few months, maybe years. Introduce some laughter that changes attitudes. It bonds you with people. So whatever it is for you have a list of things. And here's the final one. Quick one. Many of you have kids who like to tinker with things. They build with things. They take things apart, put them back together or don't, right? They tinker with your brain. That's why when they're pushing your buttons. These are really smart kids who know what sets you off. And I promise you, one day in life is going to help them. They will use it to their advantage, and they will help a lot of people because they have insight into human nature. So here are two things. One, I want to give them opportunities to build with things because that builds their confidence. They're really good at it. So here's the cool idea. Go to a thrift store. Some of you have not been to a thrift store in a really long time. We've started going because I'm picking out, like, lots of cool little things. You can buy stuff there. An old fax machine that they can take apart. Other electronics you can buy for less than five bucks. Put bring it home. If you have room in a basement, in a garage, let them have a little tinkering. Put up a little picture of Thomas Edison and let them have a space where they just start to take things apart and put them back together. And then you can challenge them and say, hey, why don't you take this and see if you can rebuild it and resell it, or maybe you can repurpose it. And this could even be going and getting some used shoes and then putting new decorations on them and selling them, refurbishing things. It can be a great little side business for your child, but this doesn't cost any money. And it can be kind of a fun activity to go where you're doing that for some of your kids who are very kind of conscious of not wasting things be an awesome thing to do because now they're repurposing all these things that would go to a landfill. All those things. It's a cool idea. So I hope you found this helpful. If you have good share it with some other parents. Share the Calm Parenting Podcast. I've never asked this before, but if you like our podcast, go and rate it on on whatever platform because that helps other people find it. If you don't like our podcast and just stop listening and don't rate it. But. I'm kidding. But. But if you don't like the podcast, and I mean this well, you would be listening to the end if you didn't like it. But if you don't or you have improvements to make, email me kirk k I r klebratekolm.com Let me know what you would like different. So or email us and tell us what topics you would like. But that falls under email. And Casey, hey. Thank you all. Enjoy this season. Slow it down a little bit. If we can help, just let us know. Love you all. Bye.