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Calm Parenting Podcast
Q&A: Kids Who Complain, Compete with Siblings, Quit Sports? Anxiety and OCD Issues? Teen Priorities? #462
00:26:49
Do you have kids who complain incessantly and seem like they are miserable (especially when you’re supposed to be having fun!)? Should you allow a child to quit a sport? How can you help a child anxious and obsessed over something? What should we focus on in the teen years? How do you handle kids who one-up each other or compete for attention with a younger sibling? Kirk answers these questions and more with candor and practical ideas.
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Kirk Martin
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Oh, I am super excited for this podcast because we're doing a Q and A. Do you have kids who complain incessantly and seem like they're miserable, especially when you're supposed to be having fun? Should you allow a child to quit a sport? How can you help a child who's anxious and obsessed over something? What should we focus on in the teen years? How do you handle kids who one up each other or compete for attention with a younger sibling? Those are just some of the questions I'm going to answer in today's special Q and A episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our spring sale@celebratecalm.com to get 50% off our program. So let's jump in and answer some questions. I'm excited about this because these questions are different. I haven't always addressed these on the regular podcast, so here's one I'm OCD and Anxiety Issues A parent had said, hey, our son threw up a couple years ago in the middle of the night and is fixated on that now. He also gets very anxious for car rides when he won't have access to a bathroom. So here's what I would not do that most of us do. Do not try to convince your child that everything is okay, that it's no big deal, that there's no need to worry. Do not dismiss his concerns or ignore them or get frustrated by them. Even if it is frustrating, all those things will make it worse. Anxiety and OCD can go hand in hand. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. That's why so many of our kids are resistant to going to new places. Because if I have to go somewhere new, that represents a lot of unknowns, things we can't control. Hence the desire to control things and have some measure of OCD traits there. That's normal to me. Let's first normalize the anxiety and I'd like to do it with some measure of intensity. Of course you're nervous about not having a place to pee or poop when you go out. That's normal and a smart way to think. What that tells me is you are a proactive, prepared person. Look, you can at times add that these traits will serve your child well in life. And you can think of all the professions that require these traits. Engineers, accountants, builders, IT workers. See, when you normalize just helps so much to relieve that anxiety of like, yeah, that's perfectly normal. And by the way, good job going the extra step, being conscientious, proactive, and preparing. Now let's give your child something he can feel in control of because you can't always control where the bathrooms are. But let him use a map feature to plan out your route and find a few bathrooms along the way. He can punch in the addresses on your phone or his phone, knowing he has options that will probably relieve some of the anxiety. Look, when we go to new places and overseas, I do a lot of extra planning like this. It is helpful. It relieves a lot of my anxiety so I can Relax. Let them create maybe a little bag to keep in the car with toilet paper and wipes and hand sanitizer. Kind of like we do when we hike. We prepared. Give your son opportunities to use these traits in healthy ways around your house to eliminate stress. Maybe he can map out routes for errands that save time and at work around traffic. He can maybe map out the meal schedule for the week and create a grocery list that way this isn't something to be fixed, but really an asset to be capitalized on. Right? Those are healthy ways to do that. People are always like, oh, it's a coping mechanism. We all use coping mechanisms. This one is a healthy one. Don't get down on yourself. I use coping mechanisms all the time for my own anxiety. For I have some slight OCD issues. I have all kinds of things. So I just try to make them healthy ones for both of these issues. Let's teach your child how to have good body awareness so he knows how he's feeling. Now for the fear of throwing up, you can walk him through this process that we use frequently. Hey, let's just do this. What is the absolute worst thing that could happen if you threw up at night and then play it through? Well, it would taste awful, would be a mess, my stomach would be upset. But then you'd eat some crackers and you get to miss school. So that sounds so bad, right? I'm kind of joking with that, but not really. Probably would miss school. So sometimes preparing for the worst can alleviate some of the anxiety. Now, I am not recommending this. I'm just including it as an option because sometimes weird things work with our kids. You could, if you are willing and forgive me for this, actually kind of make yourself throw up just to demonstrate that it's unpleasant. But then you eat something salty and taste a good drink and brush your teeth and then all is good. Not recommending, but that's an option. You could, and I like this idea. Keep a little log sheet in his bedroom, backdate it for like six months and check off every night. He did not throw up. Then he can see like 200 check marks. Sometimes visuals like that and that reassuring pattern can be really helpful. Okay, good question. My 7 year old complains about things not being fair because I carry the three year old down the stairs and then she demands that I do it. She will scream when something doesn't go right and that triggers my fight or flight response. Any ideas, by the way? Number one is for Mother's Day, ask for noise canceling headphones or Just go get them today. Look, you do not have to hear everything that your kids say, right? I want to. You know, I like to be engaged and connected, but man, some of your kids are really loud and it triggers you. So just have. You can get these. You get different earbuds that allow you to listen to music. And the same time you can still hear what your kids are saying and doing. And it just helps keep you from triggering. Okay. Change your expectations of yourself and your daughter. You have a lot going on with two young kids. She is seven. She's kind of supposed to be irritating, right? So take some of the stress off of yourself and her and enjoy her more. And I tell parents that, you know, it's interesting, a few parents have written lately and said. One thing that has helped me immensely with your programs is just getting perspective, knowing it's supposed to be hard. We're not supposed to be perfect. It's normal for our home to be messy and to feed kids Mac and cheese a few times a week. That I don't have to manage every single thing that my child does, that I am not responsible for making them happy in every moment. And that has freed me to actually enjoy being with my kids, which has changed their behavior even more. Isn't that interesting how that happens? Okay, stop carrying the seven year old downstairs. Instead you could say something like this, Hey, I can treat you like a three year old. But that means that then you go to bed earlier, you don't get to eat special things, right? I have to treat you like a three year old. Or I can treat you like the older sister. See, when you act more grown up, you get to do more grown up things and have more grown up privileges and responsibilities. So let's see if we can change from her competing with her younger sibling to creating a special place for her as the older sister. When you talk to her, talk to her like an adult. Very matter of fact. Especially when she's frustrated. I think what's happening is you are overwhelmed, which I get. You should be overwhelmed. With two young kids, you get frustrated and then she gets frustrated. I think you're feeding off of each other a little bit. And a lot of us as parents, I had that with Casey, with our son and a lot of like mom and daughter like this, you're going to feed off of each other. It's your job to break that loop and stop reacting. Right? So work on that. And I want to encourage you, relax and enjoy these years. It's hard. Little kids are a pain. They make messes they ruin your agenda. So lighten up on your agenda. Build time in for to happen every day because it will. Okay, kind of related. Ish question. Our boys constantly try to 1e up each other. How can we get them to stop? So way back in the day when we had all these kids at our camps, we called them seven uppers because they would boast ridiculously. It wasn't like one up, it was like seven up. And so here are a few thoughts. You can't really do much directly because they're just immature little kids who are insecure. So focus on building their true talents and gifts. Give them opportunities to do jobs. You know what I like for older people or just other adults? Because our kids are so good for other people and they're good in the adult world. And when other people notice their talents, that builds confidence. Right now it's kind of just boys being boys. Now, you do have the right to say, hey, you know what? That just makes you sound ridiculous because everybody knows it's not true. But here's what is true. And then you can list five qualities that you see in them that they do have. You know what's cool about you? You can see patterns. You are amazing at chess and arguing. You can see in three dimensions and build cool stuff without even reading the directions. Which also means you'll probably get your family lost while driving and refuse to stop and ask directions and beat yourself up and make the car ride tense because you wasted 20 minutes instead of saving 10 with your shortcut. Sorry, had to throw that in because that's what we as guys do. You have a witty sense of humor because you are good at observing people and understanding human nature. And when you combine that with your big heart, oh man, you're going to do great things in life. See, that's not fake praise. That is very specific praise. That is actually truth. It is a recognition of this is who you are. All those things that you're bragging about. You know, that's not impressive. I like saying that. You know, it doesn't impress me. But here's what does impress me. The way that you helped Ms. Johnson down the street the other day. Oh, that shows me you're growing up. The way you walked away from your sister or brother the other day when they were provoking you, oh, man, that's mature. The way that, See, that is where I would give my energy in this situation. And I think they will stop trying to do the fake praise one upping each other. And instead they're going to seek out. Oh my mom, my dad said, oh, I'm much more mature. I'm grown up like that. I do that really well. That will resonate really deeply with your kids over time. Time. Okay, what are three things you would really focus on in the teen and tween years? So one of your biggest stressors is working all day and then debating what to eat for dinner when you're already exhausted. Especially when you have kids with different food preferences. That's why we rely on hungryroot. Hungryroot eliminates the indecision the last minute runs to the store, it expensive carryout and complaints from your kids. And it replaces all that with healthy, delicious meals customized for your family's food preferences. And it only takes minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids. Last night we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir fry veggies. Boom. Delicious meal. 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress free family time. You're going to love hungryroot as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. Get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code calm that's hungryroot.com calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungryroot.com calm code calm it's my birthday and I want to feel great for many more of these birthdays. So I work out, I stay very active and I begin every single day with my AG1. In the first 60 seconds of my day, I get my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics and adaptogens to support my gut health and a healthy mood. So check out drinkag1.com calm ag1 powers these podcast ideas because it helps me feel mentally sharp and it powers all those Instagram videos because it makes me feel energized. Plus my gut just feels calm and settled and regular and that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. I think you should try AG1 as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. I love the travel packs, so check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm and let's be healthy together. Now this was a mom who asked about her son, so that's how I'm going to answer it. Keep a close connection Number one. Keep A close connection. Be the parents who do not do drama. Even though your kid's world will be filled with drama, be patient. Sit with him. Listen a lot, even to inane teen stuff. Bond over the horrible music your child likes. Take every opportunity to drive him places and talk in the car. Occasionally I'd like dad to take him out for late night wings or ihop, even on a school night because it's a great place, great way to bond and connect and have great talks. Number two, Affirm relentlessly anything good that your child does when you have to correct. Keep it concise and direct with no emotion. Followed by an invitation to grab something to eat because teenage boys and girls are always hungry. Number three, Give your child opportunities to shine using their natural strengths, even if it's with neighbors or other adults. Find good mentors for your teen or tween because our kids look teens and tweens aren't going to listen to their parents all that much, but they will listen to other adults and other adults can encourage and hold them accountable. And the fourth thing, even though you asked for three Enjoy him. Enjoy these years. Most of the stuff you encounter with school and grades and teen attitude won't matter in the long run. Just like the answer to the mom with a three and seven year old, most of the stuff you're not going to remember later anyway. It doesn't matter. Matter. I want your son leaving high school with a close relationship with his mom and dad, feeling positive about himself and his place in the world. That's enough. All the other stuff will just kind of fade away. You guys are awesome parents. Okay, should we allow our child to quit the sport he signed up for? I know what your concern is. If we let our child quit, are we teaching him that it's okay to quit something you started? The short answer is that it's really smart sometimes to identify when you don't like something or that you're not really good at, and then you just move on from it quickly. Half of life is understanding what you don't want to do. Most of the kids we work with do not like team sports. They're not really good at them, but they excel in individual activities like martial arts, rock climbing, ballet, swimming. So I am biased toward just saying, hey, it's good to know in life what you like and what you don't like. You push through things that are worth it, that you value, but it's perfectly smart and right to just bail when they aren't worth it. Sometimes it is the parent who thought it was a good idea to sign their child up for a sport. If that's the case and your child absolutely hates the activity or is terrible, terrible at it, then that's not quitting. That's realizing you made a mistake. And it's good to rectify mistakes. You have kids with short attention spans and kids that are grazers. They like to try things, but not always stick to it. So don't make big commitments until they have proven they can overcome challenges and adversity. Don't buy expensive musical instruments or hockey sticks. You could even have them pay for part of their equipment if they're older. By the way, most of your strong will kids are not going to practice their craft. They're just not. You're going to be frustrated, but I'm trying to save you some money from signing them up for things. So I have no problem using wisdom and saying, hey, we tried this. Everybody's miserable. So now on those remaining nights when we used to go to basketball practice, we're going to go be active doing something we actually enjoy together. I like that a lot. Okay, this is a tough one. My son complains all the time and it's irritating and sounds so ungrateful. I want you to know you're not alone. This is very, very, very common with our kids. I've included an entire section on this in the updated Discipline that Works program. So if you have that, listen to it on the app. So I'll just cheat and I'll quote right from that. Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation. And then two weeks later, when grandparents who didn't even go ask how vacation was, you will hear your child say, grandma, that was the best vacation ever. And you're going to be in the other room thinking, wait, what? All you did was complain the entire time. Here's what is going on. This is not a gratitude issue. I promise you. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life, and it is best taught simply by modeling it, not by obnoxious lectures to give thanks and be grateful all the time. No model. Live it. Let your kids see you how you handle disappointment and adversity. But that's not what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally expressive. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately. And it's usually overblown. They catastrophize. Oh, the whole day is going to be ruined. Do not correct them right away or try to make it better or try to explain or convince them that it's going to be okay. That is annoying too. And so I know it's annoying to listen to this, but it's how they process emotions and it is way better than just bottling things up. Some of you are married to someone who did that. I know this because our son is the same way and he got that trait from me. He is one of the most grateful people I know. So it's not a gratitude issue. I think this is good insight. Sometimes people like my son and I and maybe your child catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. When we say the whole day is going to be ruined and it's not, well, then that's a win. So here are several different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude or trying to make it better. You can simply ignore it and know it will pass. It's a perfectly fine option, just won't pass anytime soon. Match their intensity. You know what? That does really stink when that happens. I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Do it with some intensity. Sometimes that intense validation just feels good. They need to be heard. A couple months ago, Casey, who's a grown man, texted me about this blood test he had to do. And it meant fasting overnight and well into the next day. Plus, he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning, so it was gross. And I remember I was at. I remember exactly where I was. I was at the gym doing a bench press and he was venting and catastrophizing. And so my first impulse was to say, you know, I don't think it's going to be that bad. Why do we want to do that? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? Instead, I follow my own vice and I text it back. That sucks. I'd hate that. And guess what? He was done. He just wanted someone to agree with him that it stinks so you could agree and problem solve. You know that's true. That's not fair at all. So what are you going to do now? You may find out they just wanted to vent and that helps. You could double down on this for fun and just see how they respond. Validate their disappointment. I hate when that happens. And then go on your own rant. Just try this sometime. You know what happened to me the other day? I had waited in line for a long time, following the rules, and then the clerk let someone else seemingly walk, cut right in front of me and get in line and I was furious. What would you do in that situation? Look, you may just draw them into a discussion about your issue and elicit from them a more reasonable response like, yeah, I'd be mad too, mom, but it's probably just someone who'd been there before and had to go get something and bring it back. And in a way they will have solved their own problem by thinking about yours. I'm curious about that. Try it. See how it works. I like this one a lot. For after school and even on vacation. Look, here's what we're going to do from now on. I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes. I like arbitrary numbers. I like it because it's between 5 and 10. It's very specific, which means there's a clear end point. And sometimes that is very grounding for kids. I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to venture about everything you do not like about your day at school or vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to fix things. Got it. See, you're giving them an opportunity to vent, but within your boundaries with a very clear endpoint. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting unless something really emotionally important happened. Right, Like a relationship issue. They're getting bullied. You know what I mean? But you've got to have boundaries around this. Being a parent doesn't mean. Well, I just have to listen to 45 minutes this. Not at all. You have every right to say, I like that you get your frustration out, but not everybody wants to hear about it. And you can't add this. And the world doesn't revolve around you or me. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me. Because maybe the whole family and grandparents don't want to hear it. I would at some point ask this. Hey, I'm curious. When you vent, are you really unhappy or are you really as miserable as it sounds? Or is this just how you process disappointment? Because see, that would be helpful for me to understand, but it's really helpful for them to know that's what they were doing instead of feeling that they're just negative, ungrateful jerks. Because if they realize that's what they're doing, well now we can help them find other ways to process their feelings and disappointment. The larger point in that is I want you to get to know these strong willed kids inside and out. They're motivated by different things than you. Their brains work, their hearts work in different ways and I want you to teach them how they are wired and made so you can work with their nature instead of look, you know what hurts them the most is when we misunderstand their motives. You know what? You're just ungrateful and inside they're going to be like screw you. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm disappointed and I like getting out. See what I mean by that? This is invaluable. So moms and dads, I hope you found this helpful. I encourage you continue changing yourself breaking those generational patterns. I hope you get to use a couple of these strategies we talked about this week and you probably will. Why? Because you have really challenging kids. But they're awesome kids. Enjoy them, enjoy them, enjoy them, enjoy them. Okay, Love you all. Talk to you next time. Bye.