Q&A With Casey #1: Mistaking Intensity for Unhappiness, Feeling Like A Bad Kid & More #623

Summary

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Calm Parenting Podcast #623: Q&A With Casey #1

Episode Title: Mistaking Intensity for Unhappiness, Feeling Like A Bad Kid & More
Host: Kirk Martin
Guest: Casey (Kirk’s son, former strong-willed child)
Air Date: August 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This special Q&A episode marks the first-ever guest appearance on the Calm Parenting Podcast, featuring Kirk Martin’s adult son, Casey. Listeners submitted questions to learn directly from Casey’s perspective as a formerly strong-willed child about autonomy, motivation, handling big feelings, building positive parent-child relationships, and how parents can best support kids who often appear intense or defiant. The discussion is honest, practical, sometimes humorous, and rich with insights for parents navigating similar challenges with their own children.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Importance of Autonomy and Making Decisions

[03:48 - 05:12]

• Casey’s Perspective:
  "Obviously all of the decisions. Kind of kidding there, but I'm sure you recognize that from my childhood. But because so much of our kids lives are controlled and managed by adults, having some source of autonomy is super important." (Casey, 03:56)

• Learning from Failure:
  Casey shares a story about spending half his savings impulsively on an electric scooter that broke almost immediately. This mistake taught him the value of patience and the importance of learning through low-stakes failures at a young age.

• Takeaway:
  Give kids real opportunities to make decisions (including mistakes) while they're young and safe at home, rather than shielding them until the risks are greater in adulthood.

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2. Navigating Negative Self-Talk

[05:12 - 06:10]

• “Drive-By Praise”:
  Casey explains that direct praise can be awkward for many kids, especially strong-willed ones, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want or need it. Leaving casual notes, quick texts, or brief non-verbal messages can communicate pride and affirmation without putting kids on the spot.

• Quote:
  "Drive by praise...giving kids compliments kind of makes them feel awkward...but they still want to receive those compliments. So if you can do it either like non verbally through written notes or a quick comment...and then walk away and don't make it like this big deal because that just kind of makes them shut down." (Casey, 05:35)

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3. Building Motivation Internally

[06:10 - 08:44]

• Connecting Choices to Outcomes:
  Casey stresses that real motivation is about helping kids see how small sacrifices or good choices now benefit them in the future. For example, learning to get off video games on time to build trust with parents, or taking undesirable tasks to build opportunity.

• Example:
  "If your parents can trust you to control yourselves, then they won't have to try to control you." (Casey, 06:58)

• Parents’ Role:
  Frame decisions in terms of the child’s benefits, not just to please adults. Give examples of real-world consequences and let older kids experience the natural outcome of their actions.

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4. Building (and Repairing) Parent-Child Relationships

[08:45 - 13:39]

• Maintaining Connection Through Change:
  Casey describes how his relationship with each parent evolved—his mom as his “safe parent” early on, and how weekly coffee dates helped sustain their bond during the distancing tween/teen years.

• Quote:
  "My mom was the safe parent...but later on we did diverge in our interests...We found a couple things we could connect on...and she let go of the idea that we were going to be best friends." (Casey, 09:21)

• On Giving Space:
  Parents’ fears about giving kids space are common, but stepping back often results in kids stepping up. Too much pressure causes resistance.

• Quote:
  "When you put pressure on people, they don't want to do things. Think about, like, friends who want to hang out with you all the time. It makes you not want to hang out with them." (Casey, 11:17)

• Repairing After Conflict:
  Apologies and genuine change from parents matter:
  "Watching my dad humble himself...he actually made changes instead of just telling me he was going to make changes...I realize how difficult it is to change patterns and behaviors." (Casey, 12:03)

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5. Healthier Handling of Anger, Anxiety, and Emotional Modeling

[13:39 - 15:52]

• Kids Mirror Parental Self-Regulation:
  Children remember what their parents do more than what they say.
  "I remember what you and mom did and like how you interacted with me and other people and watching how you handled your anxiety." (Casey, 14:49)

• Being the Safe Place:
  Kids' worst behavior often shows up for those they trust most. Parents are their safe space to unravel, and that’s not necessarily a negative reflection of parenting.

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6. Intensity ≠ Unhappiness: Understanding Strong Emotions

[21:13 - 26:31]

• Don’t Confuse Intensity with Unhappiness:
  Some kids experience and express feelings more intensely, but this doesn’t mean they’re unhappy or struggling overall.

• Quote:
  "I also wouldn't assume that ... the intensity that they're feeling and expressing is a lack of happiness. I'm a really intense person, but I'm also very happy." (Casey, 22:23)

• Processing Disappointment in Real-Time:
  Casey describes his tendency to process feelings rapidly and intensely—venting hard and bouncing back fast. This doesn’t mean the day (or life) is ruined for him, even if it looks dramatic to others.

• Marriage Parallel:
  "I'll get, like, really upset for, like, seven minutes...and then I bounce back...If I didn't go through the intensity, then I wouldn't be able to move on." (Casey, 24:25)

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7. Messages to Younger Self and “Bad Kid” Label

[26:31 - 32:05]

• Message to His 8-Year-Old Self:
  "You're not too intense or too energetic or too difficult...one day those qualities could lead to courage, leadership, creativity, perseverance." (Casey, 26:31)

• Mistakes Don’t Equal “Bad Kid”:
  "Just because you mess up or act out, doesn't mean you're a bad person. People are very willing to forgive...when they're humble, honest, and...apologize." (Casey, 28:31)

• Personal Story – The Christmas Meltdown:
  When recalling a difficult family holiday, Casey shares that he internalized shame and the feeling of being “the bad kid”—a reminder for parents to address shame, not just behavior.

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8. Rapid Fire Questions & Practical Takeaways

[32:07 - 33:39]

• Connection vs. Consequences:
  "You definitely need consequences and boundaries. But if you don't have connection, then good luck giving the consequences." (Casey, 32:14)

• On Teens Wanting to Come Home:
  "A teenager shouldn't want to come home...It's a very normal time of separation...I think you need to embrace that." (Casey, 32:33)

• Parental Advice:
  Let teens have space, focus on being enjoyable to be around, respect their need for friends and independence, and take an interest in their passions.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Casey on making decisions as a child:
  “Because so much of our kids lives are controlled and managed by adults, having some source of autonomy is super important.” (03:56)

• On handling negative self-talk:
  “Try leaving your son some notes or texts ... if you can do it either like non-verbally through written notes or a quick comment ... and then walk away.” (05:35)

• On motivation:
  “If your parents can trust you to control yourselves, then they won't have to try to control you.” (06:58)

• On parent-child relationships and space:
  “When you put pressure on people, they don't want to do things ... [giving space] gave you autonomy and choice.” (11:17–11:56)

• On modeling adults’ behavior:
  "I remember what you and mom did and like how you handled your anxiety...So it wasn't just like if you got angry and started yelling...when it got more healthy, it was like, 'Hey, I'm really frustrated right now, so I'm gonna go for a walk. Let's chat when we get back.'" (14:49)

• On intensity and happiness:
  “I also wouldn't assume that the intensity that they're feeling and expressing is a lack of happiness...I'm a really intense person, but I'm also very happy.” (22:23)

• On processing feelings vs. simmering:
  "If I didn't go through the intensity, then I wouldn't be able to move on." (25:25)

• What would you tell your 8-year-old self?
  “You're not too intense or too energetic or too difficult...one day those qualities could lead to courage, leadership, creativity, perseverance.” (26:31)

• Connection or consequences first?
  “Both...But if you don't have connection, then good luck giving the consequences.” (32:14)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:48] — Casey starts Q&A: The need for autonomy
• [05:12] — Handling negative self-talk
• [06:30] — Internal versus external motivation
• [08:45] — Positive relationships with parents
• [11:17] — Why giving kids space works
• [13:39] — Adult modeling of emotions and anxiety
• [21:13] — What a strong-willed child needs most from adults
• [22:23] — Intensity is not unhappiness
• [24:25] — Real-time emotional processing
• [26:31] — Advice to younger self; reframing “difficult” qualities
• [28:31] — Mistakes vs. being a bad kid
• [32:07] — Rapid fire: Connection vs. consequences, teens at home

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Final Thoughts

This candid conversation offers validation, humor, and practical strategies for parents of strong-willed or intense children. The main message: Kids’ big feelings and stubbornness aren’t inherently flaws—they’re qualities that, with guidance, can become assets. Parents can help by granting autonomy, modeling self-regulation, building connection, and not confusing intensity with unhappiness or failure.

Questions for the Next Q&A?
Listeners are invited to email Casey directly at [e-mail].

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Transcript

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[Casey (Son, Guest)]

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[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

right, I am super excited for this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. I've never had a guest on this podcast, so today's special guest is my son Casey. Because so many of you are tired of my voice and you just wanted to get insight from Kasey because he has lived the life of a strong willed child from the time he was basically born. And so I thought it would be extra good insight. I asked on Instagram, hey, what questions do you want to ask Casey? And we've got some really good questions.

[Calm Parenting Host]

So welcome to Casey and here's your first question.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

No pressure, son.

[Calm Parenting Host]

So what kinds of decisions felt especially

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

important for you to make yourself as a kid?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Obviously all of the decisions. Kind of kidding there, but I'm sure you recognize that from my childhood. But because so much of our kids lives are controlled and managed by adults, having some source of autonomy is super important. So I think it's important to let your kids make bad decisions and learn from them, especially when they're younger. I remember when I was 12 years old I really wanted to, I was convinced that a bike wasn't good enough. So I wanted to buy this scooter because I was kind of lazy at age 12. And so I spent like half of my savings on this electric scooter and I was so excited about it and I had my convinced self convinced that it was like this brilliant idea and it was going to be great. And it broke on like day three and I couldn't fix it and my dad's terrible at fixing things, so it was just kind of a disaster and I wasted almost, you know, half of my money on it. So I, I mean I learned to wait to make larger purchases and not impulsively buy things. So anyway, letting your kids fail when they're young and they're in the safety of your home versus protecting them all of their childhood and then letting them fail later when the stakes are kind of higher, I think it's important to let them make as many decisions as they can.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Yeah, I like that because they're going to be adults one day, so why not? Okay, how do you respond to negative self talk? Because a mom or dad had written, hey, my Son gets annoyed and frustrated if I try to compliment or reassure him, but he also expects a response, so I can't just ignore it. So what do you say and what do you not say?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I totally get that. I would say try leaving your son some notes or texts. I don't know how old he is, but we have kind of this idea of drive by praise which is giving kids compliments kind of makes them feel awkward and they don't know what to say or how to respond, but they still want to receive those compliments. So if you can do it either like non verbally through written notes or a quick comment like, hey, I'm super proud of you for how you're handling this school, sports, whatever, and then walk away and don't make it like this big deal because that just kind of makes them shut down.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Okay? And it also is like, then they're like, okay, thanks dad for your affirmation. That means a lot to me. Then you're not expecting a response. It's kind of a good way to do it. What is the best motivation to get kids to just listen and make better choices?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I think think through for yourselves, like what's the best motivation for anything in your own life generally? And understanding that like a good decision or a trade off in the short term is going to pay off in the long term. So how does it benefit them to make a good decision? So kind of like reframe things for your kids, why does it benefit them to get off of screens or video games or whatever? Why does it benefit them to do whatever it is that you want them to do? Couple examples of this one. When I was kind of early preteen, I loved playing video games and I decided to get off of the video games a few minutes early. And the idea behind that was if I thought if I could get off of the video games a little bit early or at the exact time my parents gave me that I would show them that they could trust me. And if they could trust me, then they wouldn't have to nag me or remind me to do things so much so the idea eventually became like, if your parents can trust you to control yourselves, then they won't have to try to control you. For older kids, at some point my parents kind of sat me down and explained that whether I did my homework or not, it affected my life, not theirs. So helping your kids connect, ideally without like the anxious parent lectures how their current choices impact their future. I remember I officiated ice hockey and I remember my dad telling me early on. Like if you take the early games, the 5am, the 6am games that no one wants because it's really cold, it's dark in the winter, and you don't want to wake up. If you take those games and you show up and you do well, then later on they're going to give you whatever schedule you want. And so. And that ended up happening. And that was a huge lesson. So early lessons of like sacrifice in the short term equals long term gain. I would try to kind of teach your kids that.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Do you also want to thank me publicly? Because I'm the one who got up at 5am to take you to those games and I got nothing out of it.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Thank you. You did get something out of it. I bought Apple stock with it and now I buy you dinner sometimes.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

That's true.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

You know what?

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

When your kids get older, they buy you dinner and they buy you stuff. So hang in there. It works out and it's really cool. Okay, so parents said, hey, I'm curious to know what Casey thinks help to contribute to his positive relationship with you as his parent, despite having gone through so much in his childhood. Which basically means I was kind of a jerky dad when he was younger, but we've kind of worked on that. Does he also have a strong relationship with his mom? And this was a mom who said, this is my biggest fear with my child. Now he's six. Okay, what do you think?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

He's six. So you're good? Um, yes. My. I think my mom understood a lot of this entire, like, kind of calm philosophy way before my dad did. It was kind of natural for my mom. So throughout, like the early years, my mom was the safe parent. But later on we did like kind of diverge in our interests, like definitely in my teenage years. And I think that's super common for, for teenage boys and moms especially. We didn't really have a lot in comm Common in the teen years, but we main. We found a couple things we could connect on and ended up kind of maintaining our relationship by doing weekly coffee dates where we just talk about whatever was on, like whatever we were thinking about. And she let go of the idea that we were going to be best friends. And I think that was huge because it took the pressure off of me as a teenager who was naturally kind of separating from my parents. Like, I still wanted a relationship with them, but it's normal that your friends are way more important than your parents at that age. So, um, my biggest advice as your kids get older would be to give them a little bit of space, um, and then spend time noticing what they do well versus what they need to improve. If, like, every interaction is, I wish you did your homework faster, I wish you did it when you first got home, all the things that they need to get better at, then they're just gonna shut down and not wanna spend time with you. So focus on things that. That they're doing well in their lives.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Can I ask you a question?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Yeah.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

I know this will mess you up to interrupt you, but there's a fear.

[Calm Parenting Host]

There's a fear among parents.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Well, if I give my child space, like, what if they don't step up? But what is it about that that actually caused you in some ways to step up even more?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I mean, I think it's just the pressure. When you put pressure on people, they don't want to do things.

[Sleep Number Representative]

Yeah.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Like, think about, like, friends who want to hang out with you all the time.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

It makes you not want to hang out with them. But if they give you some space, then you're like, you have time to. You have time to, like, kind of miss them and want to do something with them.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Yeah, that's not a great answer.

[Calm Parenting Host]

No, that's good. But that's also.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Then it's your autonomy and your choice when you want to. Like, one of our famous things was, hey, Case, thanks for sharing that. I've got an idea that I'd love to share with you sometime. If you're interested, come grab me later. Yeah, that was giving you the autonomy.

[Talkspace User/Testimonial]

Okay.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

And then what was like for our relationship? What. What helped kind of heal that and make that better?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Mostly you interrupting me helped a lot, but. No, watching. Kind of watching my dad humble himself. He apologized to me and he actually made changes instead of just telling me he was going to make changes. I don't think I appreciated that a ton when I was 11, but, like, as an adult, I realize how difficult it is to change patterns and behav that you've been doing for a long time. So that was kind of the beginning of respect. The second thing I think, is you. You did a really good job of taking an interest in my life and things I was passionate about, which I didn't feel like you. You were a good, active, like, involved dad, but we had very different interests for the first 10 years. And so it was cool. Like, it was nice to see you take an interest in what I like doing, even though I knew you weren't, like, loving it. Like, you didn't love cars. And I Love that. So it was like, you know, that and that that kind of built an underlying respect.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Yeah, I think that's good. I mean, I think I. And I would encourage parents as your kids get older, like just take an interest in what they're in. Like Casey, his wife do ski mountaineering stuff. So we go to Avalanche movies and films and talks and stuff about that. So it's kind of cool. We have three kids under the age of seven for some reason. I'm kidding.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Sometimes I wonder about who they will

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

be as adults and how they will deal with the anger and anxiety and will that always be something they have to work on as their father and I do. We use our tools to help them as children, but I guess I would love any advice or encouragement to ward off that worry that they won't be able to handle those feelings as adults. So what do you think, Case?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I think they'll be able to handle those feelings as adults. I mean we all have that. So they probably. I mean they will have to deal with anger and anxiety. Like that's something we all deal with. I would focus on keep modeling the behavior that you want them to have in adulthood. So acknowledge when you're anxious. Make time for yourself, for self care. Communicate openly with your spouse and with your kids. Admit when you mess up, apologize for mistakes. Like just overall, being open is huge. And the biggest teaching tool you have as a parent is your own behavior because that's what they're watching every single day.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Can I interrupt? Do you remember any of my lectures?

[Talkspace User/Testimonial]

Yeah.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Okay.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

No, not really.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Not.

[Calm Parenting Host]

What do you remember?

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

What do you remember from childhood?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I mean, I remember what you and mom did and like how you interacted with me and other people and watching how you handled your anxiety. So it wasn't just like if you got angry and started yelling and stormed off and drove off. Like, I mean you. I have these vivid memories of you, like driving really freaking fast and your Toyota 4Runner down the like residential road because you're angry. And that's apparently how guys get out their anger. But like you want that's like the negative side. But then I remember later on when it got to be more healthy and it was like, hey, I'm really frustrated right now, so I'm gonna go for a walk. Let's chat when we get back. And then that teaches me. Okay. Instead of just like storming off and leaving your family when you get upset, you could just tell them you're coming back and you're gonna go for a few minute walk to like, breathe and calm down, and then you're gonna have a good conversation and repair when you get back.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

So it's more about what you observed than any great lectures that we had.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

For sure.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Okay, what else for Those kids under 7 to help this mom out?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I think kids usually are the worst for their parents. Like, their. Their behavior is going to be the worst in front of people who unconditionally love them. I. E. Like mom and dad. Like, I knew my mom was gonna love me no matter what I did, so I felt comfortable. I could hold it together all day at school, and then I'd get home and melt down in front of my mom. So I think trying to remind yourself that you are the safe place. So sometimes it looks like they can't handle something. It may just be that they're super comfortable with you and they would get it together in public or when they're with teachers or friends or other adults. I wouldn't assume that, like, the behavior that you see at home is what other people are seeing outside the home, because, again, their behavior is often super different outside the home. Like, I was great for some of my teachers. And why was that? Because they didn't have the same anxiety that you had. And we didn't butt head. Like, it was just. It's just different. And because you had to. Because my teacher doesn't love me the way that mom loves me. Like, the teacher, you know, isn't going to have the same level of patience for me. At least that was my perception. But, yeah, I think that. And then as they get older, I would invest extra time. I mean, even now, invest more time into things that you enjoy. Two major reasons for that. One, it's great behavior to model for your kids. And two, I think parents get wrapped up pretty frequently in doing, like, all they think about is their kids. And so. And that puts a lot of pressure on kids. It's a lot of anxiety. So if you can step back, do some other things that interest you, it kind of takes your mind off of worrying about the kids and putting that anxiety onto them.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Yeah, that's good insight. Okay, next question is my favorite one.

[Calm Parenting Host]

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[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

an almost 8 year old going through this, I would love to know what you think you needed most from the closest adults in your life then and now. And she also wants to know, was

[Calm Parenting Host]

it a struggle to be happy?

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

My biggest concern for my son is how will he be able to navigate this, to be content and happy? I just don't want to see him struggle.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Yeah, I imagine the happiness question is pretty personal. I'm really lucky to have a really happy and hyper kind of disposition, but I definitely struggle with happiness if I'm confined to things that I don't like doing. I had like, I had a surgery in man wasn't able to do the things that I love doing that are all active and physical. And I was pretty like, I struggled with that. So. But like, overall I'm lucky because I feel like I'm overall happy and a lot of these kids are. But looking back, I think what I needed the most from the adults around me was to know really that they like, genuinely liked and enjoyed me. And not just when I was cooperative or calm or easy to be around or chill, but also when I was intense frustrated or like questioning things or struggling with things. I think it was important to know that they enjoyed me then too, that it wasn't always like behavior dependent. I also wouldn't assume that the lack of intense or that the intensity that they're feeling and expressing is a lack of happiness. I'm a really intense person, but I'm also very happy.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

So I, I think that's my favorite insight is don't assume the intensity is a lack of happiness. So we've, I've talked on the podcast and I'll put you on the spot here. The catastrophizing that you do, like, if we're like that time, like when you planned a hike for us and it's foggy, it's not going well. You don't say, oh, darn wish this stupid fog would go away. Like you say words that we can't do on the podcast. But what's going on inside of you? What's causing that?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I mean, basically it's just the, like an incongruence between expectation and reality. I have this expectation that I'm going to take you to this awesome spot and you're going to get a beautiful view and the whole morning it's foggy and I'm thinking, okay, now we're like, working really hard. It's basically just processing disappointment in real time. And I think a lot of the intensity that you experience with these kids is that kind of pro, like, live processing, where it's like, I just need. And you know, this now about me, I just need the space to vent about what I'm frustrated with or to go through that process of dealing with disappointment.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

That's really good insight.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Now, if during that time I had

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

said, case, you know what's really ruining our morning? It's your attitude.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Right? Like, if I had said that, he just gave me the finger.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

So I'm telling you. Yeah, so me being quiet and just knowing I don't have to fix that, that it doesn't mean you're going to be unhappy all day, that you're not unhappy in life. It's.

[Calm Parenting Host]

You said you're processing it live.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Yeah. This is actually something I deal with, with. With my wife frequently is like, she's always shocked because I get, like. I'll get, like, really upset for, like, seven minutes, and I'll be, like, really intense about it. It'll be like, I'll be super disappointed. And, yeah, just really intense for, like, seven minutes. And she takes that as like, okay, the whole night's, like, ruined, and then her whole night's ruined. But, like, then I bounce back, like, 10 minutes later, and I'm like, well, are you ready to, like, go do whatever? Like, now I've processed that our original plan has, like, fallen through. So, like, are we ready to, like, talk about, like, solutions and what we're going to do next? And she's like, well, like, four minutes ago, you were, like, stomping the house saying, the whole night's ruined, and now you're like, let's enjoy our night. Like, how does that work? I think it's, again, it's just process. You feel it very intensely. You need to process it, and you do everything with intensity. And then once you're done, you're like, okay, now I can move on. But if I didn't go through the intensity, then I wouldn't be able to move on.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

So from your standpoint, in some ways, it's advantageous because rather than just simmer over it for, like, the whole night or several days, you're like, boom, I'm going to get it up. I'm going to process it, and now I'm good.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Exactly.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

And so the other person part of it, like, in your marriage, like, you'll modify some of that, but you.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

We also, like, are learning, like, okay, I need, I know I need to go do some like physical activity and remove myself from the situation for a few because my wife is all well and she's also like a very sensitive and empathetic person and I'm, you know, all over the place.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

You're not an empath.

[Talkspace User/Testimonial]

No.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Although some friends might say I am.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Yeah, no, they don't know you. Okay, so good. I love that part. And I almost. That's just really good. Okay, Case, what would you tell your 8 year old self?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Probably that there's nothing wrong with me. Like you're not too intense or too energetic or too difficult. I mean, I'm not necessarily saying this to myself because it sounds mildly narcissistic, but if I were telling another 8 year old, it would be like, you know, you're strong, you have a strong mind, you have big emotions and strong convictions. And those qualities probably frustrate adults right now. Your teachers, your parents, your family. But like one day those qualities could lead to courage, leadership, creativity, perseverance.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Oh, hold on, let me ask you a question. Have you noticed in some of your other work environments that your intensity and energy has actually helped you and been a benefit and maybe even a strategic advantage?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Yes, absolutely. What way?

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

If you don't mind sharing a little bit.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Ability, I mean probably the intensity, just like ability to hyper focus and kind of, what would you say, take charge but also kind of triage like what's important right now and what can wait until later. Like that intense focus can help with that. And being decisive, you're like the same quality that leads your kids to say like, no, that's stupid, I'm not doing that. Is probably the same quality responsible for like looking at a situation and being like, no, that's stupid, that doesn't matter right now. Here's what we need to focus on to save this person's life or to handle this situation at work.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

And your manager or boss there appreciates that because they want decisive, intense. They want to know you can take care of that situation. Yeah. Okay, so that's pretty cool. Yeah, I didn't enjoy that when he was little for sure. Keep going. Tell me a little bit more. What else do you tell your 8 year old self?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I think when an adult tells you no, it doesn't mean that they don't understand you or love you. Adults have to make decisions you don't like. And growing up means kind of learning that you can be disappointed and still make a good choice. You don't have to win every argument. I think it's a temptation for all of us, actually, even adults perhaps, that you feel like you have to win every single argument. You have to prove that you're right. You really don't have to do that. And sometimes real strength is stopping listening and walking away from situations. And then the other big one is when you make a mistake, tell the truth, take responsibility, apologize, and try again. I think all too often kids assume that if they make a mistake, that that means they're a bad kid and they kind of internalize. Okay, I mess up a lot at school, I'm bad at school. Or I mess up a lot when we go to family members homes and I act out, so I must be a bad kid. So separating it and saying, like, you know, we all make mistakes, we all struggle with certain things, but that doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It just means you need different tools to deal with it. And kind of apologizing and taking responsibility for it makes it kind of negates the mistake. Like, people are all like, very willing to forgive other people when they're humble and honest and, you know, when they apologize.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

So that's for parents too, because I was thinking, sometimes parents aren't that willing when it's their own child because it seems like, well, he's being willful, he's doing that on purpose. But I did have a question for you. When. Remember like that one Christmas at your aunt and uncle's house in Massachusetts, like it was a horrible year because you were so horrible. No, it was me.

[Calm Parenting Host]

But do you remember that?

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Like, did you feel like the bad kid then or did you feel like it was unfair the situation we had put you in? Do you remember?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Well, of course I remember. My number one piece of advice would be not having family members who are perfect and live in New England while you're like, the loser kid from the South, Whatever. You might have to take that out.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

No, I'm leaving, but sorry if you're offended. That's your choice.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Yeah, of course. I don't know if there's anything that you could have done to recover that situation, but do you remember you took me to a super fancy restaurant where they had a whole pig and the eye that they had put in the pig fell out in front of me and I only ate bread and butter and I felt ashamed of it. Like, what am I supposed, like, okay,

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

that feeling of being ashamed though. But the point, the question is, did you remember, like back then, internalizing, like, I'm less than, I'm the bad kid? I'M embarrassed. Or was it more like my dad is an overbearing jerk yelling at me to try to act nice in front of the fancy family?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

No, it was more the first.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Okay, more about internalized.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

More about the internalized. Yeah. Okay, but that probably depends on your kid's personality.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Yeah, but that's a.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

That's just a good insight. So. Okay, so I think that may actually be something we explore. If you'll come back and do a second Q and A. So parents let us know about that. What? Did any of this discussion prompt something you want to explore a little bit further?

[Calm Parenting Host]

So two, let's end with two rapid

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

fire questions for Casey. Okay. Number one, should you do connection or consequences?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Both. You need. I think you need consequences, and you definitely need consequences and boundaries. But if you don't have connection, then good luck giving the consequences and setting the boundaries.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Okay. What makes a teenager want to come home?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I would. I would challenge you on this. A teenager shouldn't want to come home. There. I mean, I think you can tell what I mean by that. But, like, there are things you can do to help them. Not, like, hate being at home. Such as, like, taking an interest in their passions and not being overbearing and annoying to be with and being good with their friends and taking an interest in their friends in their lives. But this is a very normal time of separation and there's really not any way. I don't think you need to fight that. I think you need to embrace that.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Oh, that's good. So if you embrace that, you'll probably take the pressure off and then they'll be more likely to want to spend time with you.

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

Exactly.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

If you're not trying to bug like, I. I would say take advantage of those car rides where you're taking your kids places and just listen to them talk with their friends. You learn a lot that way. Okay, Case, why don't you end this? Thank you for being on this. I hope you will come back. I do have to tell you, I am the introvert that is on Instagram and does a podcast.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Casey's the extrovert.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

But he really was nervous about doing this. But I thought his insight is really helpful. So what do you want to end with?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

I also think I'm more introverted now than I was. Like, the older I get, I feel like the more.

[Calm Parenting Host]

Why weren't you like that as a kid?

[Casey (Son, Guest)]

You would have been easier, I think, just to end. Like, if you have questions for the next Q and A, please let me know. You can email me at Casey C A S e y celebrate calm.com if you have questions for me, questions about the programs I can help out with, coming up with custom bundles and help out with pricing if you need financial help. But also just questions for the next episode, the next Q and A that I do with my dad. Yeah, just email me at Casey C A S e y celebrate calm.com that's cool.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

You know what he just did? He's nervous. So he repeated himself. For many years, Casey traveled with me and I spoke every night and he'd be like, dad, you've got a new nervous tick. And so I'm just glad that he has a little one.

[Calm Parenting Host]

All right, love you all.

[Calm Parenting Host (Dad)]

Thank you for listening and talk to you next time. Bye bye.

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