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So you've got a child who's defiant, who talks back to you, who is blatantly disrespectful. And I know my initial impulse as a dad is, hey, I've got to shut that down. My dad would have backhanded us. I want to show you a different way to handle this without being weak, without being permissive. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, host of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is the second episode of our Quick Tips for Dads series that we're doing. I'm trying to keep these seven to nine minutes. And by the way, welcome, because I know there are a lot of moms who are listening to this, and I appreciate you forwarding this to your husband. So, look, I get this. In that moment, we want to send the message, it is never okay to talk to your parents like that. You will never do it again. 100% on board. But you don't have to hit a kid, and you don't have to shut them down, because most of you nowadays are not going to backhand your child. But we do sometimes kind of backhand them, verbally or emotionally, where we shut them down. That's what I had learned from my own dad, which was fear and intimidation. I have three brothers. The truth is, one, we never really respected our dad. We just feared him because he was abusive. And I don't want. Look, I can change a child's behavior through fear and intimidation. But then my child doesn't respect me, and it doesn't really change their heart inside. It just means they're afraid. And the downside to that is kids grow up afraid to question other authority figures. And you don't want that because we want kids to respectfully question other people. And sometimes I think our parents shut us down because they were insecure or someone like my dad, he didn't know how to handle anything emotionally, so it was better if he just shut it all down. But then a lot of times you also raise. Look, this happens all the time. You raise daughters who don't know how to speak up, and then they get a used. They end up marrying controlling men and it doesn't work well. And then the other big missed opportunity is this. My dad had a lot of life experience. I mean, he grew up during the Depression. First one in his family to college, and then he went into World War II and served in the military for 25 years. Later, in intelligence, he had a lot of wisdom. Guess what? We never got to benefit from any of that because he shut us down. And we never had those conversations. So here's one way you can handle that. The next time your child comes and asks you for money, hey, dad, mom, come take me somewhere. Hey, buy me this. You just simply refuse and say, hey, honey, that's not how life works. I did this with our son all the time. Hey, Case, that's just not how life works. You don't get to treat people like that and then expect them to turn around and do kind things for you. It's just not how life works. See, there's no drama in that. I'm not having a snotty tone. I'm not being resentful that they talk to me like that. But there is a better way to handle that. So in our series, we go through one thing to stop doing one thing to start doing. So here's one thing I want to encourage you to. To stop doing men. Stop taking things personally. Look, we're grown ups. We are the adults. So stop reacting. When you react to your child, they have complete power over your emotions and your behavior. This will irritate some of you, but I'm going to say it anyway. Stop being a victim. Because we're like, I can't believe my child would talk to me like this. Why? Why can you not believe that? This is what kids have done for centuries. What happened? I'm not a victim. I'm the grown adult. And then some of us, if you're doing too much for your kids, right? I do so much for these kids and I sacrifice so they can have more than I did. Well, that's your issue. If you're doing too much for your kids and creating entitled kids, well then stop that. So what do we want to start doing that comes next? Men, I'm going to ask you to listen to about a 60 second ad right here because I make two and a half cents off of it and I'll be right back. I bet your family's just like ours. Life gets so busy. We don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. Thanks to Hungryroot, we shop on our own schedule and we make healthy home cooked meals in about 15 minutes. Hungryroot eliminates the indecision those last minute runs to the grocery store when you're tired or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy delicious meals that even your picky kids will love. And they only take minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids. Last night we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir fry veggies. Boom. Delicious meal. 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress free family time. We love Hungryroot. So go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get 40% off your first box. Hungeroot.com calm code calm back. So what I want you to start doing is teaching your kids discipline. Literally means to teach, teach and problem solve. Guys, we're naturally good at that. So think about this analogy. Say you have a really valuable employee at work and this employee may be a little bit more emotional and intense. And that might partly be why they're so valuable, because they're so good at certain things. But you know, occasionally they'll go off, they get frustrated at the leadership of the company, that is parents or co workers, that is siblings. And so you can fire this employee, you have that right to do. But this is a valuable employee and you've put a lot of time into this person. So you know what we usually do in the work world, we go and we find that employee and say, hey, let's go for a walk. Hey let's go grab something to eat. And then when we're doing that, because now we've de escalated, we say, hey, I'm curious what's going on? What's going on now? And what are we doing? We're teaching, we're problem solving. We're making it very clear, look, this is not going to work for you. You will not stay employed at this company if you continue to lash out at people like this. But now I've heard you. I understand the frustration. So here's how you can handle in a better way. You don't react. You don't take things personally. But now I begin to teach and problem solve. So, look, we'll do that with an employee. But our kids are even more valuable than just an employee. And sometimes we just are kind of careless and we just lash out. I can't believe that my child would do this. So instead, next time I encourage you, don't react. You can do the tougher approach of like, hey, that's just not how life works. But I want you to start doing with your kids, treating your kids. Sometimes you like you treat colleagues at work or employees, where you're taking time and trying to understand, okay, I get where you're coming from, so let's do it a different way. And you're teaching and showing your employees how to be successful. Instead of just punishing your kids for messing up, let's teach them how to be successful and how to do it right so they have your wisdom. And I really want you to be the person that your kids, when they become teenagers, that they come. I want them coming to you, not to their friends, because their friends have horrible advice. I want them coming to you dads. I want them to get your wisdom. And when you show, hey, I don't freak out when my child does something. I don't create a lot of drama around it. Well, now, during the teen years, what I found is my son would come to me because I was the one person in his life and one thing that was not filled with drama. Okay, work on that this week. In a couple weeks, on Wednesday, September 24th, I'm doing a whole podcast, 22 minutes, on how to discipline and de escalate when kids are defined. So watch for that one. I appreciate you listening. All right, guys, lots of respect for you. If we can help you anyway, just let us know.