Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode #532
"Should You Celebrate Your Child Infuriating You (& Lying About It)?"
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: November 2, 2025
Episode Overview
In this episode, Kirk Martin dives into how to handle those infuriating moments when your strong-willed child does something impulsive and then lies about it. Using a relatable story of a kid trading Pokemon cards for Air Jordans (and fibbing about it), Kirk guides listeners through a 10-step process to transform these fraught moments into powerful teaching and bonding opportunities. He challenges the usual parental instincts of lecturing and punishment, offering a refreshing perspective rooted in empathy, connection, and practical skill-building—for both parents and children.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Gaining Perspective on Kids’ Behavior
[08:45]
- Kids making impulsive choices (“doing stupid stuff”) is normal and healthy.
- Childhood is designed for learning from mistakes while the stakes are low.
- Parents tend to overreact, forgetting kids aren’t miniature adults.
Quote:
"Part of the purpose of childhood is to be a child and make impulsive choices and learn from them when the stakes aren't high...so many parents freak out because their kids simply acted like kids." — Kirk [09:59]
- Flip the situation: Ask, “What didn’t my child do here?” Helps gain a sense of proportion.
[10:55] Example:
A teen who plays too many video games but isn’t engaged in riskier behaviors is actually “crushing it” compared to others:
"Hey, you know what? I think you're crushing it. I know what your friends are doing. They're doing things way worse than this — fist bump." — Kirk [11:28]
2. Controlling Parental Anxiety Over the Future
[13:30]
- Anxiety makes parents catastrophize, projecting current problems into dire futures.
- Strong-willed kids are overwhelming, but they do change with time and guidance.
- Projecting hopelessness on kids damages confidence—for both parties.
3. Slowing Down and Resetting
[15:20]
- Reactivity backfires. Slow your internal world before addressing issues.
- Implement calming routines: take walks, get fresh air, sleep on it.
- Let the school or other parents know you’ll respond after talking with your child, not in the heat of the moment.
4. Assuming Good Intentions
[17:50]
- Kids often hide things due to fear of your reaction—not from malice.
- The child in the story wanted Air Jordans and found a way to get them without stealing, nagging, or coercion.
5. Celebrating the Positive Aspects of Your Child’s Actions
[19:18]
- Celebrate the child’s initiative: trading things he didn’t need for something he valued is a smart deal.
- Don’t default to being an “uptight” parent—recognize your child's unique motives and strengths.
- Affirm kids for traits like good negotiation and business sense.
Quote:
"His only real fault here was lying to you about it. We'll get to that. But first, make a big deal out of the Jordans. Ask what he loves about them, share in his excitement." — Kirk [19:45]
6. Exploring Your Child's Negotiation Skills
[21:35]
- Ask curiosity-based questions: “How did you make this trade? How did you value the cards? How much are the Jordans worth?”
- Praise resourcefulness and business acumen.
7. Handling the Lying with Calm Problem-Solving
[23:15]
- Once defensive energy is gone, gently address the deception.
- Ask: “Is there anything about this you’d do differently next time?”
- If needed, prompt: “Which part do you think we’re not happy with?”
- Treat lying as a developmental misstep, not a character flaw.
Quote:
"See, I'm not pounding him, lecturing him about his lack of integrity and how we can't trust him anymore. I'm talking to him like an adult." — Kirk [25:17]
- Normalize that fear of parental reaction is often why kids lie.
Quote:
"Of course he lied. That's what kids do. They do impulsive things and then they cover them up. I'm not excusing it. I'm just normalizing it." — Kirk [26:21]
8. Owning Parental Mistakes and Apologizing When Necessary
[27:05]
- If the child hid the trade out of fear of your reaction, own your part: “Maybe we made it hard to bring us the truth.”
- Apologize for past overreactions if needed.
9. Role-Playing Problem-Solving for the Future
[28:05]
- Practice openness: Let your child rehearse bringing you disappointing or uncomfortable truths, and parents practice responding calmly.
- Role playing can serve as a gentle, effective consequence and skill-builder.
- Break generational patterns of shutting down open communication.
Quote:
"See, that's really important because you want your child coming to you throughout their childhood saying things honestly so that you can help your kids rather than continually kind of lying and hiding things." — Kirk [29:20]
10. Empowering Kids to Work Things Out Themselves
[31:05]
- Invite both kids in the trade to work out if they feel satisfied or cheated—without adult interference.
- Affirm their resale and negotiation skills.
- Suggest entrepreneurial opportunities if appropriate.
Quote:
"They both made wise decisions and each got something they wanted. While it was the adults who freaked out." — Kirk [32:23]
11. Motivation Comes From Internal Value
[33:10]
- Kids will go above and beyond to protect what they truly care about (e.g., cleaning prized shoes, but not their rooms).
12. Celebrating Family Progress & The Power of Collective Growth
[34:00]
- Pause to recognize how far you’ve come as a family, even if you aren’t perfect yet.
- Ritualize celebration: bake a cake just to acknowledge the hard work everyone’s doing on their relationships and growth.
- Let your kids know this is a family-wide mission, not a secret parental project.
- Involve kids in discussions about routines and behaviors—sometimes they have the best ideas.
Quote:
"We're all learning this stuff together. You are still the authority figure that's never in doubt, but now you're bringing your kids into this and saying, hey, how do you think we as a family could handle this together?" — Kirk [36:12]
- Allow kids to access the Calm Parenting programs themselves—creates buy-in and can lead to humorous accountability from them.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- "Kids do stupid stuff. That's their job description." — Kirk [09:33]
- "Discipline means to teach, not to react out of frustration and send a child to their room." — Kirk [30:55]
- "Celebrate that you're making progress—even if it's just yelling less and connecting a bit more every day." — Kirk [34:45]
Timestamps for Key Segments
| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|------------| | Initial story setup, typical parent reactions | 04:27 | | Step 1: Getting perspective | 08:45 | | Step 2: Parental anxiety about future | 13:30 | | Step 3: Slowing down and resetting | 15:20 | | Step 4: Assuming good intentions | 17:50 | | Step 5: Celebrating your child’s strengths | 19:18 | | Step 6: Exploring the trade and negotiation | 21:35 | | Step 7: Addressing the lying | 23:15 | | Step 8: Parental ownership/apology | 27:05 | | Step 9: Role playing solutions | 28:05 | | Step 10: Letting kids work things out | 31:05 | | Celebrating family growth and change | 34:00 |
Final Thoughts
Kirk’s central message: Transform those ‘infuriating’ moments with strong-willed kids from battlegrounds into classrooms. With patience, curiosity, and a willingness to break old patterns, parents can turn incidents of impulsivity and dishonesty into opportunities for affirmation, problem-solving, and deeper connections.
Parents, give yourselves credit. Celebrate the progress and make the work of growing together visible—for both you and your kids.