← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
The hard part about all of this is that you have a lot of stuff going on in your home. All kinds of dynamics, including ones you' even aware of because when you got married you weren't aware of your spouse's family of origin story. You have no idea how all the stuff from each of your childhoods is affecting you in your marriage or in how you actually parent, right? And then you've got a kid, one of your kids is picking on the other one. So it seems like you've got a sibling issue, but I promise you, you probably don't. It's something else. Then you've got the dynamic of a child not listening because maybe he's on the spectrum and maybe is ADD or adhd. And so that causes frustration in the home. And then you've got a tense relationship, let's say for example, between a father and a son. Well, guess what else that creates tension between husband and wife. There's a lot going on and I want to try in this podcast to show you how to sort it out and attack things one at a time so that we can get to the kind of family life that you really want. So that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help? Reach out to our strong willed son, Casey C A S e y@celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we talk about it and then we reply to you and we give you some insights, some strategies to try. This is not a business, it is a family mission. If you need additional help, I would encourage you. It is the holidays, which means we have a huge, huge sale. And what that means is you get access to all of the knowledge and wisdom and strategies that I have that we have developed over the past 20 years with almost a million families. And you get at your fingertips literally on your phone and on your computer as an instant download for the lowest prices of the year. Take advantage of that. Get everything. It'll be worth it. So here's what I want to talk about because this is fascinating to me. So I get an email and the email, like normal person like you writing in, we're all normal people. Awful. All normal people. But we get this like, hey, you know, we're really working at this. But our 10 year old son is picking on our 6 year old daughter. We're at our wit's end. What do we do? Well, when I hear that I have some very specific sibling strategies to use, but I decided to ask a question. Say, hey, what's, where is this coming from? Right? Is this jealousy? Do you have a, is your son the kind of child who's kind of always in trouble and he's got the golden child sister. And so here's what comes pouring out of this really good mom when I get the reply back one, we've got jealousy. Yep, son's always been in trouble. The daughter is naturally compliant. And so that's happening. Here's what else I hear. When our son is bored, he tends to pick on his sister. Okay, that makes sense to me. And when he's had too much screen time, he picks on his sister. So there's more to it, but let me start here. So here are a few ways I want to attack this one. This is not a sibling issue. This is an issue of one child who does not feel good about himself inside. And he has jealousy, which is natural because he sees how everybody else responds to his sister and you know what he thinks? Well, I'm not going to take it out on my dad because I'll get pounded. I don't necessarily take it out on my mom, but I will pick on my sister because she's younger than me or in some cases the sister or Brother is older, but this is a strong willed child. So it doesn't matter who they take on because they're tough, right? So a few things that I began to think about. One, let's start to create successes, right? I want to create situations in the home and at school in which this child who doesn't feel good about himself begins to shine. I want to use his natural gifts, talents and passions to help other people. I want teachers saying, oh, Jacob, I could really use your help. You are really good at doing X. Could you come in a little bit early? Could you stay after class? Could you help me in class with X at home? I want to put him in situations. If he, if this is a kid who likes building things, let's have him build things. Let's have him make and create things. Let's have him make dinner for us a couple nights a week and create a menu and we'll even pay him for making a meal because it's a lot cheaper than eating out, right? This is a kid who loves physical work. Well, let's get him shoveling some mulch and doing some things outside or shoveling snow in the winter, I don't care. Let's give this child space and place. I'm going to run through things pretty quickly here. Sorry, it's in all of the materials. But space and place are really important for our kids. They have to have their particular space and their place within it where they feel they get to use their unique gifts. They get to not be compared to their siblings all the time. Because you know what happens with a lot of our strong will kids is one, they don't measure up against their siblings. So they begin to shut down or they don't measure up against you. And if you've got a mom and a dad and you're maybe in a certain profession or you went to and you've got your doctorate or you're an attorney or something really successful, so to speak. That child figures out, you know what? I can't even get through third grade. Like I'm just going to shut down and not even do it. So here's an idea. Let's have a neighbor get a neighbor to give in this case, this 10 year old son, jobs to do. Hey, I need your help. Could you come down the street? Could you help me out? Because when your child is at the neighbor's house helping him or her, or at an animal shelter or church or synagogue or mosque or somewhere doing something they're good at, other people recognize it and it feels good. Inside and it's helpful because now it's like, okay, maybe my sister is better than me at X, but when I go to Mrs. Johnson's house, I'm so good at doing that. I take care of their dog, I'm earning money, whatever it is. The third thing that came to mind is I want to create a special role for this son because he is the older brother, right? So look, I'm king of the roost for the first four years of my life, everything revolves around me. If it's strong will child, that's pretty much going to continue for a while until they hit their stride in their early to mid 20s and then they're going to take off and they're going to be awesome and the rest of their life is going to be really cool. And then the compliant child is going to struggle in their late 20s because they've never really faced adversity. Whereas your strong willed child has been fighting life since he came out of the womb. But I want to give. So this child is the sister is competition. The sister makes him look bad in a way. So rather than be nice to your sister, look, if that worked we would have never had siblings killing each other since the beginning of time, right? It doesn't work. Those simple friends phrases like be kind to your sister, we're a nice family. That's not what's going on. This has nothing to do. This has nothing to do with whether this 10 year old boy is kind or a good person. Nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with what he has internalized through the first 10 years of his life. And I want to give him a special role and say, you know what, you're the oldest. That makes special special you're the oldest which means you're going to have more responsibility and also going to have some special privileges. Here's what I need your help with as the older brother. It's almost that idea of making him a deputy in the home. Our kids like feeling like adults having a higher mission. So rather than leave your sister alone, if you can't leave your sister alone instead I want to lift kids up, I want to give them a higher vision for hey, you're the oldest, you're double digits man, 10 years old. I was thinking when you're 10, at that age we can go do some really cool experiences. But I really need you to step up. And here's where I need some help around the home and here's where I need some help even with your sister because you're 10. You're capable of more. And when you show me that you're capable of more, man, I can take you to X, Y and Z because then I can trust that you can step up. So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday.
- [09:40]
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- [09:55]
Kirk Martin
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- [09:57]
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- [10:30]
Kirk Martin
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- [10:31]
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- [10:48]
Kirk Martin
With a win so we just moved.
- [10:52]
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- [11:06]
Kirk Martin
Have what you want.
- [11:07]
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- [12:03]
Kirk Martin
I'm pulling that child up right with the mom mentioned when he's bored. That's why we like giving kids specific missions, purposeful missions, running their own little business, volunteering at the animal shelter, walking down, working at the neighbor's house. And then mom said, too much screen time. Okay, I can't deal with that except to say this, then don't give them so much screen time. If giving him a lot of screen time causes him directly relates to him being mean to your sister, well, let's take away the screen time. Well, you know, in our process, if you say no to one thing, you have to say yes to something that's appropriate. That's when we get into missions and all those things we mentioned before creating successes. But here's the main point of this podcast. Here's what followed. Mom went on to tell me, well, my husband and son don't have a great relationship. My son already feels like his dad doesn't like him because when hubby doesn't listen to when the child doesn't listen, hubby yells and gets on him. And so watch what's going on here. Mom emails, she's a good mom and wants some help and is like, I had to get this kid to stop hitting his sister. And here's what the real issue is. The adults in the home can't do what we're expecting the kids in the home to do. So think about this. Mom said, my son already feels like his dad doesn't like him. So what am I supposed to think? If I'm a 10 year old kid, I'm already different. I know that I don't always fit in. I may not connect well with kids my own age. I've always been in trouble. It feels like everybody's against me and now my own dad doesn't even like me. Well, what do you do with that if you're a kid? Well, one logical thing is to shut down. One is to become very defiant. And that will eventually happen in the teen years if we don't fix this relationship now. Well, right now the easiest thing is I'm just going to start hitting my six year old sister. That makes perfect sense to me because hurt people hurt other people. This is a hurt kid. This is not a bad kid or a mean kid. This is a kid who doesn't feel good about himself. And so he takes it out on the world around him. And this is what's very important to me. We're asking our kids to handle conflict and to get along when the husband and wife can't even figure it out. Right. Because I guarantee you this is what's happening in this home because it happens all the time. And it's no blame, no judgment on this. Mom is married to a guy who can't necessarily control himself. And she's probably spoken up before, maybe even said, hey, would you listen to this guy's podcast? But he dismisses it and he dismisses it and he doesn't listen. Or he's like, I don't need the help. He just needs to, you know, he needs to learn to listen. When I was a kid, if I would have done this, my dad would have done X, Y and Z. So what happens to the wife in this situation? She figures it's so unpleasant talking to my husband about this that maybe I'll just try to get the two kids to behave better. Because if the two kids behave better, then my husband won't get upset and then everything's better. So we're putting on two children what the two grownups in the home can't do now. Caveat. This is hard. There is no blame, there is no guilt. There is no shame in this. This is the hardest stuff you will ever do in your life. Whatever job you have, even if it's a really hard job, does not compare to having, handling conflict with your spouse and with your kids in the home. It doesn't compare. Now here's the second thing going on. Dad can't control himself. In some cases, mom can't control herself. It may look the same, it may look differently, I don't know. But the root of it is we can't control ourselves. So we talk too much, we lecture too much, we use guilt trips, after all I do for you. Or we scream and yell. We use fear and intimidation. No matter what it looks like, it's the adult being unable to control himself. But then asking, requiring, and sometimes shaming the kids because they can't do what the grownups in the home can't do. And it goes back to what I used to, what I was really saying to my son when Casey was little and I used fear and intimidation. What I was really saying to him was I need you to behave. Because if you don't behave and do exactly what I say, I'm not sure I can behave. And you do not want to see me angry. How many of you grew up as kids managing your parents emotions? How many of you married your father because your father couldn't control himself like my dad, and you learned how to manage his emotions so he wouldn't be upset. And then you met a guy who is kind of the same way. And because you had grown up for 18 or 20 or 30 years managing your dad's emotions, this guy that you met was very, very familiar to you. And you were like, I know how to handle this. And then you get into marriage, it doesn't work. You're repeating the same generational patterns. So this is. So let me tie this all together. I want to give kids tools and I can help a little bit. I can actually help a lot with the, with the jealousy and the sibling fight thing. I can help a lot with that. We're going to create successes, space and play special role purposeful missions. Get this child his brain focused on bigger things. All of that is really good, but it's not the most important thing. The sibling issues in this situation doesn't really matter. That will resolve itself. One, when father and son can restore their relationship and when the child, when the son or daughter feels like his dad actually accepts him and likes him, that will change everything. Everything. And by the way, that's why I want you to get the everything package because this is not isolated. You've got to have tools for your kids, but you've got to have tools for you as parents. And then you have to have tools for you as a couple to know how to handle this conflict. Otherwise, guess what happens? It all begins to unravel because the sibling fights. We can maybe put a short term stop on that, like yo, if you don't stop hitting your sister. But eventually this son will stop bothering his sister, but then he's going to start doing other things to self destruct even more. So the real solution here is number one, for us to learn how to control ourselves for dad, number two, for dad or mom, whatever your situation is, to restore your relationship with your child. Consequences don't change behavior. Relationships change behavior. If you have, look, if you were to picture a father and son in this case, or father and daughter, or mother and daughter, it doesn't matter. And they're at odds and there's always tension between them that's just going to continue on, right? That's going to cause all kinds of issues in the home. But now if you picture this father and son playing catch together, going for drives together, sitting together, building with Legos together, and the dad can control himself and he's not yelling anymore, right, and he's listening to his son, don't you think that will change literally everything? And if husband and wife can't figure it out, if you two as grown adults can't figure this out, it's not fair to ask your kids to do what you're not capable of, what you don't have tools to do, or what you're not willing to do. I know it sounds a little bit harsh, and I know maybe listening to this podcast, it's the first time you've realized, oh, crap. I thought I was just texting that. Emailing this guy about, like, a sibling issue in our home when I realized, this is our issue, and we better dig down deep and learn how to do this, because it doesn't just magically get better. Now I'm a man. I am awesome at putting things off. I am awesome at not asking for directions and living in denial. Oh, honey, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. No, it's not. It's not fine, and it's not going to be fine. And I hurt my wife saying those kind of things, right? Because that hurt. Because it was denying reality, and it was denying that what she was seeing in the home was true. And that hurts. That will unravel, and it will not get any better. So let's dig into this. Okay, so I'm going to recap for the jealousy. We're going to create successes. We're going to find a place for your child to. You know, I almost don't want to do these because these are like the little strategies, but they're not the real issue. But still, place in space, special role, purposeful missions, all of those things. But let's begin to learn how to control ourselves. Go through the dad's program, go through the men's program, the 30 Days to Calm to learn how to control yourself. Later on, you can go through the kids program, give it to your kids to listen and go through the sibling issues and how to discipline, but go through the Calm Couples program, because you can do it right from home, where you learn how to actually. We go through the process. How do you actually have a hard talk with your spouse? Let's do that stuff. That's the gift I want you to give each other this year for Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate or for the New Year. That's what I want you to work on because that will change everything at a very root level. And I believe you're capable of doing that. And I will walk with you on that path doing that, because it's critically important. Okay, I've said enough. If you need help, reach out to Casey. C A S E Y. Celebrate. Calm. Com. Love you all. Let's work on this together.