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- [00:01]
A
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So I am super excited about this podcast and I've been working on this for a week and it's in my brain is this do not make your kids eat that protein bar and don't make them eat your ideas. And I'm going to explain what that means on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need any help, contact our strong willed son. His name's Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com we have a huge sale going on at Celebrate Calm. If you need help, emails will help you personally. We'll put together our resources within your budget. We love doing that. So here's the deal. So I'm talking to this couple and I'm doing this phone consultation and the mom was kind of aware of our process and what we do, but the dad hadn't really heard. So I wanted to kind of demonstrate right away the process we use when trying to help our kids with things. And I always start with kind of a strengths based approach. So I already know what your kids struggle with. Right? I know that they're oppositional, that they don't want to do things your way. I know that they have trouble at times with focusing in school and they won't do their chores. I know that they have meltdowns a lot of times over little changes. Right. I know that they don't always get along that well or connect well with kids their own age. I know that sibling fights are a big deal, and resentment. I know that overall, I know that they drain a lot of energy from the home. And you walk on eggshells around these kids. I know all the negative stuff already. So what I always want to find out is tell me what your child does. Well, tell me what fascinates them. Tell me what they're curious about. Tell me what makes them come alive. So one of the things that the mom had written, and I always do a little thing before, I always ask some questions before so I can be thinking about the child. Well, one thing stuck out. Child loves climbing trees. So I said, here, let's do this. So I said, mom, dad, tell me. Think about your child. Picture him climbing that big tree in your backyard. What does he get out of that? What skills does he use? What does that tell us about him? And it was really interesting to hear parents who usually. And I'm the same way. We're all the same way. We tend to only focus on the negative things. Well, here's all the things that are wrong and we need help and you need to fix this. No, tell me about this picture. I'm climbing that tree and we start making a list. Well, there's planning because dad's like, well, he's really particular about, you know, he really focuses on where to put his feet and his hands. And so I was like, good. So he plans. So he's strategic. And look, a lot of our kids are very, very, very strategic, which is why they are very good at arguing. Chess, checkers, legos, it all fits in the same part of the brain, right? And they're problem solvers. This is a problem solver because I have a problem, I want to get to the top of this tree and now I have to overcome it. Now, they're not going to overcome things that you want them to do, but when they have a goal of their own. Oh, same with focus. This kid has trouble with focusing in school. Do you think he has trouble focusing when he's climbing that tree? Absolutely not. In fact, he's got a gift in which he can hyper focus and he can screen out all the other distractions so that he's capable of actually scaling a really tall tree. What else do we get out of this? Obviously, physical sensory needs. He loves sensory pressure. When you're climbing a tree, your entire body is engaged with that tree and you're feeling that pressure and you're feeling everything that feels good. It's very settling. And the reason we start going through this is, well, I want to use that when this child gets upset and has a big meltdown. I want to use everything I'm learning about why he loves climbing to help him calm down. I want to use all of these things to help him complete his homework, to do well on tests. Right. We learned what he likes a challenge. Why? Pure stimulation. That's good brain stimulation. He's got a challenge. So when I give him chores, I'm not going to make it easy, I'm going to make it hard, harder for him. Right. He loves the sense of accomplishment, as all human beings do. And see, this is concrete being a good kid, kind of vague, right? But getting to the top of the tree, that is concrete. And that accomplishment builds confidence. There is the need for recognition because he will often say, hey, look at me, look at me. And we have to remember that the way to motivate these kids is to focus on what they're doing well, point that out and affirm that way more than you point out anything negative. Otherwise they will shut down intensity climbing a tree like this. And by the way, it also felt he likes to skateboard and he does all these other things, he tinkers with things, but everything he does, there's intensity in it. These kids need intensity. They need positive intensity. And when I interact with them, I, I give them intensity. I give them intense emotional involvement. But it's not negative. Intense emotional involvement where I'm upset, it's positive. I'm in complete control. But I'm choosing to give you my intense emotional involvement when you're upset, I will give you intensity. Because intensity plus intensity for strong will kids usually calms them down. There is a little bit of risk taking here. He likes the thrill. So that's the challenge and the brain stimulation we mentioned the hyper focus. Right? So all of these things we learned in the first three minutes of talking about this child and that allowed us, as we went through this, to come up with all kinds of different solutions to different issues. So I wanted to do that first in this podcast so you can see the mindset of how to approach different things with the strong willed child. Now the dad then said, so one of the things that's really hard with our son is that when he doesn't eat right, he becomes that Snickers commercial and he just becomes a bear of a human being. And so we, you know, we're Spending all this time talking to him about nutrition and need to eat. And he said, I listened to your strong willed child program, which is foundational, very foundational. If you've never listened that program, contact Casey. Because if you want to understand these kids inside and out, you have to go through those programs because they will give you insights, little insights, big insights into how to motivate these kids and understand their brains and their hearts. Because if you misunderstand them, they will shut down. If you misjudge their motives, you will never, ever get through to them. So the dad said, I was listening, and one of the first things you taught me is that my child will not do things the way that I want him to do it, right? And that if it is my idea, they'll usually reject it. So they spend all this time trying to talk about food, food, food, food, food, and he rejects it. So dad learned what I do now because watch where this came from. I was joking with them and said, you know how you can get him to eat? Give him a challenge that his job is to somehow come up with hiding food up in the tree. So maybe he uses one of those bear bags, you know, you hang up in the tree so the bear can't get to it over the limb. And then when he's climbing the tree, he can pull that in and he can eat his protein bar. And then the dad laughed and he said, well, we've actually, that's actually not far from the truth. And I said, and then what I'll do is he will figure out, like, he'll put some rocks in his pockets, and then when he's way up in the tree, he'll somehow figure out how to throw a rock that hits a catapult, that throws the protein bar up at the exact right angle to get to him in the tree. And we laugh about those things, but that's what's in your child's brain. It would be, I know it would be so much easier if before he went climbing, he would just eat a snack. And we want it. I know that. But they're stove touchers and they want to figure it out themselves. They want ownership of it. And that's a good thing because in the end, you want a child who is responsible for, for himself or herself. And they can be, if we would just give them some space.
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So here's what the dad's doing now. Brilliantly simple, but not always that easy. He leaves protein bars in different places at the bottom of the tree, in the house, on the back of the deck. And when he just sets it down and walks away and doesn't say a word, he will notice his son comes along, grabs the protein bar and eats it because he's not being forced to see. You can't make your child eat the protein bar and likewise you can't make them eat, so to speak, your ideas. You have to give perspective and space and zip your mouth sometimes and walk away and not even Say anything when he does eat the protein bar because then you're going to be like, see, son, didn't you feel better when you had a little bit of protein in you? And does it make you feel better? And I think it's going to get. No, there's no need for that. No need for that. Stop talking so much. That dad did something beautiful. Now he lays down the protein bar and walks away and gives his son an opportunity to make the choice himself to eat that protein bar when he's ready in his time. Because no matter whether you try to make them, force them, they're not doing it in your time. They are going to spit it out and use that as a, however you want to use that as a metaphor for your ideas, your food. They will spit it out or they just go on hunger strike. And that's what, where many of your older kids are right now, they're basically on hunger strike. They're not listening to you because you've tried to force everything on them. And I know what you're going to say, I know, but it's like they have, you know, they have a control issues. They use food and little kids use potty training and all of that is like a control issue. And my response is, who has the control issues first? You do, because you want it so badly. And the more that you want it and that you need it and you need them to do something, the more they're going to reject it and spit it out or go on hunger strike every single time. And that's your, in some ways that is your control issue. And it's all because you have good motivations and you love your child. You know what's best for them and you want the best for them. But inadvertently your own anxiety and your own control issues work against you. And where you thought that you could convince them and get them to do it, it doesn't work. And with a strong willed child, I hope this week I want you to have that image right? Have the first image of a parent's talking to their child and giving all the nutrition facts and convincing and explaining and doing everything else and the child spitting it out or going on a hunger strike, folding his arms. And then have the other picture of a loving dad who places a protein bar down and then walks away and forgets about it and doesn't need to have a victory lap, doesn't need to recognize it. He just knows this is who my son is. This is his nature. See, I want you to know this. Look, this kid's six and a half. But he could be 10 and he could be 14, he could be 17. It doesn't matter to me. This is who he's been since he's been born. And what makes us feel. See something kind of. I got kind of angry there. What makes us. So what's the word? Is it arrogant? Is it, Is it. I don't know what the word is. To think that we somehow have the power or the right even to come along and change a child's very nature because their nature makes us feel so uncomfortable. That's the core of it. I planned on saying that, but that's a lot of it, isn't it? And I'm not berating you. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at what we do to our kids and I'm angry what we do to our families because we do these things and they backfire in our family. Now we have all these power struggles and all this discord between husband and wife and so much of it is within our own control when we can learn to accept that this child is different and he responds to the world differently and he gets motivated by things differently than you do and that makes you uncomfortable. And I don't do blame and I don't do guilt. I just want us to be honest with ourselves and say yes. This kid makes me uncomfortable. This kid embarrasses me. This kid makes me anxious about his future because how is he ever going to do X if he can't do Y now? It's who he's been since he came out of the womb. And either you learn to start working with his nature and figuring out how that works, or simply fight the child for the rest of his childhood and then wonder why he's so defiant and oppositional. Right? Like that's your choice right now. And I know they're difficult. If you email Casey, you're talking to one of the most challenging children we have ever known. But when you work with it, all of that stuff is such a good. So many good qualities. Like, that's why that list of things we got from, from his climbing. That's an awesome kid. Challenging, difficult, not easy, easily compliant. He's going to do things in a different way. Stop force feeding your child your way. Lay your idea out there, especially as they become teenagers. Son, here's some perspective. Here's what I've learned last 48 times we did it this way. You lost your stuff. Doesn't work. But here's some perspective. Why don't you consider this and then walk away and let them come to it. So that's your goal this week. Let's learn to do that. If you need our help with that, that's why we designed all these programs, because they will change your very relationship and how you see your child. So reach out to Casey at Celebrate Calm. Tell them you want to book us, and we'll come live to your town. We want to help. We love you. Reach out to us and let us know how we can do it. Okay? Love you all.