Stop the Stand-Offs: Real-Life Fixes for Your 5, 10, or 15-Year-Old #616

Summary

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Calm Parenting Podcast #616: Stop the Stand-Offs—Real-Life Fixes for Your 5, 10, or 15-Year-Old

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: July 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, dedicates this episode to breaking power struggle cycles with strong-willed children of various ages—5, 10, and 15. Drawing from parent testimonials and his own parenting programs, Kirk explores practical, relationship-based techniques that work across different developmental stages. The focus is not just on “behavior management,” but on transforming the family dynamic through self-control, empathy, and shaping deeper bonds.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Moving Beyond Consequences: The Power Struggle Loop

Segment: [03:18–05:50]

• Kirk opens with a relatable parenting dilemma: escalating conflicts with strong-willed kids.

• Describes how both parent and child become entrenched, with escalating consequences leading nowhere but more defiance and family tension:

  “Have you ever found yourself in a power struggle with like a five year old…locking horns...and you realize, I’m fighting with a small child. How did I get into this spot?” — Kirk [03:18]

• He emphasizes a paradigm shift: The child won’t deescalate until the parent models calm and self-regulation first.

• The goal of being calm isn’t just “to be calm,” but to create the capacity to see the situation clearly and make choices that strengthen relationships.

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2. Real-Life Fixes: Age-Specific Scenarios

A. Five-Year-Old Bedtime Battles

Segment: [05:51–10:25]

• Situation: Parents stuck in nightly battles, falling into the cycle of threats and consequences.
• Strategy: Instead of power struggles, redirect the child’s energy by giving them a “mission.”
• Example: The father asks his daughter to pick out a towel and clothes for him before bed.

  “After you go to bed, I need to take a shower. Could you go and pick out a towel for me and what I should wear to bed?” — Kirk [06:27]

• Result: The child feels important and appreciated, deescalating the situation, creating connection rather than conflict.
• Why it works:
  • Shifts focus from confrontation to collaboration
  • Gives the child a sense of control and accomplishment
  • Models life skill: rechanneling anxious or oppositional energy into purpose

Notable Child Insight:

“Why doesn't everybody know to give kids a mission when they’re upset? I think I’m going to suggest this to my teacher to help other kids in my class.” — Dad’s daughter [08:41]

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B. 10-Year-Old Pushing Boundaries

Segment: [10:26–16:12]

• Situation: Mom recognizes she’s reacting out of anxiety and her son’s persistent boundary-testing is triggering her own unresolved control issues.
• Awareness Shift:

  “If you would only do things the way I wanted…then it would be so much easier. But what the mom realized is I can fix this.” — Kirk [11:57]

• Key Insight:
  • Children sense and internalize parental disappointment or frustration—even subtle cues like tone of voice or body language.
  • True transformation begins when parents own their reactions and break generational cycles.
• Breakthrough: Success isn’t about changing the child but about managing yourself. The mom begins “reparenting herself”—parenting her son in the supportive, accepting way she needed as a child.

Memorable Quote:

“Now I am reparenting myself and my child. So in the course of seeing my child differently and learning to like who he is, I’m learning to like who I am...that is a beautiful and freeing thing.” — Kirk [16:12]

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C. 15-Year-Old, Disconnection & Defiance

Segment: [16:12–22:53]

• Situation: Decades-long pattern of escalation between a strict, “my way or the highway” dad and a strong-willed teen.

• Key Realization: Strict approaches—even those recommended by professionals—often backfire with strong-willed kids, branding them as “bad” and reinforcing defensive behavior.

• Turning Point: After hearing Kirk’s “dad program,” the father approaches his teen, apologizes, and takes responsibility for his previous rigidity:

  “I’ve been a jerk to you sometimes, haven’t I? I think I’ve always assumed the worst about your intentions and I want to apologize to you.” — Dad [19:41]

• Powerful Step: The dad tells his son,

  “I’ve tried to get you to be like me, when in reality what we really want is for you to be who you’re supposed to be.” — Dad [20:51]

• Result: A small but significant thaw—teen invites dad to a concert, a sign of renewed trust.

• Practice Recommendation:

  • Release your child to be themselves, not a “mini-me.”
  • Look for moments to bond, even over things that can be irritating or difficult.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On why calmness is essential:

  “The reason I want to be calm is because it helps me not escalate situations…so I can actually help my child, not just discipline them and send them to their room.” — Kirk [05:51]

• On generational transformation:

  “You are going to change generations of your family.” — Kirk [16:12]

• On the power of apology and releasing control:

  “Hey, son, daughter. I release you to be the person you’re supposed to be, not the one I wanted you to be…to do things in a different way, to not be a mini me. That releasing part is a very powerful step.” — Kirk [21:45]

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Practical Takeaways & Steps

• Self-Regulation is Foundational:
  Begin with calming and grounding yourself before addressing your child’s behavior.
• Give Kids a Mission:
  Redirect oppositional energy towards helpful tasks; foster connection rather than assigning consequences ([06:27]).
• Break Old Patterns:
  Recognize and work through generational habits—often hidden, not overtly “traumatic”—that impact your parenting responses ([16:12]).
• Model Vulnerability and Apologize:
  Admitting mistakes and releasing the need for your child to be a certain way liberates both parent and child ([19:41], [20:51]).
• Bond Over Their Interests:
  As kids grow, regularly ask them to teach you something—this builds mastery and rebalances the power dynamic ([23:42]).
• Reframe “Irritating” Behaviors:
  What bothers you most may be the catalyst for your own growth and family healing.

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Episode Flow & Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamps | |-----------------------------------------|---------------| | Power Struggles Intro | 03:18–05:50 | | 5-Year-Old “Mission” Story | 05:51–10:25 | | 10-Year-Old, Control, & Reparenting | 10:26–16:12 | | Breaking Family Patterns | 16:12–19:00 | | Teenager, Apology & Connection | 19:01–22:53 | | Final Principles & No-BS Steps | 22:54–End |

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Tone & Approach

• Kirk’s delivery balances humor, honesty, and empathy.
• The message: Strong-willed children aren’t the problem—our old scripts and reflexes are. When parents shift first, the family transforms.

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This episode offers concrete, parent-tested steps for ending stand-offs with strong-willed kids of all ages, urging listeners to start with self-awareness and lead with connection, not control.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

So have you ever found yourself in a power struggle with like a five year old where you're both like locking horns and she's digging in and you're digging in and then you realize, I'm fighting with a small child. How did I get into this spot? What if you have an older child, like 10 years old, and you're just frustrated because you're like, why do you have to do things the hard way? Why can't you just do things in a regular, normal way? And we wouldn't have to go through all these consequences and tears and difficult things. Or maybe you have a teenager and you've really struggled to connect with this child and it's always been a challenge and now you're getting to that spot where it's like, I only have a few more years with this child and I don't want them starting to, to get into weed and vaping and pursuing all kinds of other things. What do you do in those situations? I want to give you some ideas from everyday parents like you that I believe you'll be able to apply to your own situations with kids of all age groups, because I think it's going to be very helpful. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[Casey]

Welcome.

[Kirk Martin]

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find [e-mail] Part of the reason I'm doing this is because we've gotten so many testimonials this week from people who took advantage of the Christmas in July sale and they downloaded all 17 programs. They started working through them.

[Casey]

They're like, hey, I, you know, I

[Kirk Martin]

listen to the podcast, but man, this takes it to a next level because I'm putting everything together and I've got all these different options to approach situations. So I wanted to share with you what other parents like you are doing. So let's start with, well, go in order of age. So this was a five year old daughter. The dad's like, we're caught in a power struggle at bedtime. And many of you struggle with that. And she's like, I'm not tired, I'm not going to bed. And then you find yourself, you know what, if you don't go to bed, you're going to miss out on your play date tomorrow. You're going to miss out, right? Because that's what we do. We go right to consequences, taking away things. And then our daughter's getting more upset and at some point she realizes, oh, I've already lost everything, so I may as well just go for it right now. And then you start to realize, and this is what the parents said. It started to hit me. I was caught in this loop and I was expecting the five year old to calm down, to stand down.

[Casey]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That would be my language as the son of a former career military dad. Right. Stand down, young lady. And the parents were like, we're expecting her to change, but we've been listening to your programs and it's getting internalized. I control myself first, not my daughter. They said, I'm learning to slow my world down so that I can see situations more clearly. And one of the parents said, I never really understood your thing, like with calm. And this is what I want you to know as parents is it's not an end in itself. It's not like my goal is to be calm. The reason I want to be calm is because it helps me not escalate situations. It helps me slow down my world inside so I don't say things that hurt other people and hurt relationships that I end up regretting, whether that's with a spouse or your kids or friends and neighbors. It helps me slow my world down so I can see what's really going on, so that I can actually help my child, not just discipline them and send them to their room. And then the dad in this situation said, I remember because everywhere in your programs you talk about giving kids a mission. And I realized I was getting sucked into this fight by a five year old. So I just blurted out, oh, you know what? After you go to bed, I need to take a shower. Could you go and pick out a towel for me and what I should wear to bed? And he said, his daughter's eyes lit up and she ran into his closet and she's looking, she's like, I'm going to pick out the best towel for you. And they went and they sat down and he was able to say, oh, you did a good job. And they had a little conversation. Why did you pick those Clothes. Well, daddy, these are like the really soft, soft clothes. And I like soft clothes to sleep. And I think you'll sleep better that way. And so they start having this discussion. He's able to thank her and say, hey, that was a really good job and this is really cool. A little kid said, why doesn't everybody know to give kids a mission when they're upset? I think I'm going to suggest this to my teacher to help other kids in my class. Is that not an amazing thing? And that's one of the things I really want to stress is all of this thing about parenting. It's not just like we need to get kids to behave. No, I want to teach kids, and us, all of us, how do our brains work, how do we work best, how do we navigate life and relationships and conflict in healthy ways? How do we handle the inevitable frustration and disappointment in life? And here we have. Just think what just happened here in this situation. This normally would have gone down the route of mom, dad, five year old fighting and yelling. There would have been tears. You wouldn't have gotten this child to bed for like an extra two hours. That's the way it works. And then you feel guilty about it. She's tired in the morning and nothing really got solved. But in this case, by controlling yourself, giving the child a mission and reframing this, now we just taught her a life skill about giving missions, about having a mission. We use this everyday case and I've used this on our trip. We give ourselves missions when we're anxious. It is really helpful. So mom and dad, who wrote in about that, thank you for that awesome job. You're going to have probably 85, 100 more situations. Not this year, but, or maybe but over the next few years you're going to have dozens of situations like this through all the ages when your kids dig in and you dig in. And now you're finding a template. And I will tell you as, as you go through the programs, if you get the Christmas in July sale thing special, as you go through them, you begin to internalize. It gets much easier to now say, oh yeah, I control myself. Oh, I give a mission. Okay, 10 year old son. And I think many of you are going to be able to relate to this because this is really common as well. Mom had said, I realized that my reactions and my attitude toward my son and look at, it's not always your words. Our kids pick up on those slight things, the shaking of the head, the disappointment that they constantly kind of feel from us and she said my reactions were hurting him and kind of creating a stigma. And she said, I had these thoughts and I know a lot of you struggle with this because I did. You know what? If you only didn't push the limits, if you wouldn't resist doing simple things for us and if you wouldn't insist on doing it your own way on touching the hot stove, if you wouldn't insist on always climbing every tree. Right. We get into that if then. And what it basically comes is if you just weren't yourself, if you were just someone else who were easier for me, because that's what a lot of it is. And you know, I don't do blame or guilt or judgment in this. We just have to realize that's our own issue. And the mom had said, I'm going through the 30 days to calm program. And if you get our programs, that's the one I want you to go through first. It is the exact process I went through to go from being reactive, angry, intense dad to being the calm guy. And I put it together in one program so you don't have to spend $3,000 on therapy and you can just get this done at home working on your own through the workbook and the steps. And she said, I realize that is my own parental anxiety looking out into the future because I know he's going to touch the hot of some. It is my own control issues. I want things done a certain way and if my son would just do things the way I wanted him to do it, then it would be so much easier. But what the mom realized is I can fix this. See, if success in our home is dependent on changing the behavior and the very nature of a 10 year old or 5 year old or 15 year old, well, that's never going to happen. But if success in our home is dependent on me learning to control my own anxiety and control issues, well, now I've got a real shot at transforming our home. And so the mom said, I realized that my child just triggered my reactions and I'm actually in some ways hurting myself. I'm judging myself again. This is really interesting. And so I'll ask you this question. How many times do you see yourself in this pattern where you are disciplining or getting on your child and you can trace it back to your childhood because maybe that's how you were treated. It's a really fascinating process. So here's what this mom ended up doing.

[Casey]

So we were climbing a local mountain today and we got a text from our daughter in law, Kirk do you mind if I take a couple Cure hydrating packets? And I was like I got that entire variety pack for you.

[Kirk Martin]

She was so happy.

[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

She said, I began working through that section on childhood trauma and breaking those, those patterns because for many of us, you've heard me talk about my, my patterns from childhood and being able to release myself from those, say, hey, when I was a little boy, it served me well to hide because that kept me safe.

[Casey]

I hid.

[Kirk Martin]

I didn't speak up for myself, and that kept me from getting hit by my dad. But later on in life, that began to sabotage my relationships because then I didn't know how to speak up for myself. I didn't know how to handle conflict. So it's not about making excuses. It's about just realizing we have these patterns in us from childhood and it doesn't have to be some. I don't want to minimize it or make too much of it. It's a normal thing. I normalize all of these things. We all had those. I've talked about those of you who had a chaotic home. Well, you probably learned how to create order in your home and you became extra responsible or you learned that the best way for you to get your parents love and affection was to do really well at everything and just listen. So you became the good boy or girl and you were very, very conscientious. Well, a lot of nurses grow up from those backgrounds and see it served you well because you learned, hey, I have this fundamental internal need to be accepted and loved by my parents. And I figured out a way to do that that was really smart of you. And so you can talk to yourself in that way and say, hey, when I was a kid, I was brilliant. It was smart of me. That was a good thing to do. That served me well. But now what I find is I'm overly conscientious. I can never relax. I'm always pleasing everyone, and I don't do anything for myself. So you see that pattern in yourself. Social workers, people in the giving kind of field often do that and becomes very unhealthy. So you can recognize the pattern and then begin to break it. And the biggest breakthrough for this mom was saying, I realized that in some ways, by punishing my son, I was punishing myself. I was keeping that pattern going that I learned as a kid, which is whenever I stepped out and did something differently, I got punished or I got shut down. And she said, now I am reparenting myself and my child. So in the course of, of seeing my child differently and learning to like who he is, I'm learning to like who I am and reparent myself. I'm parenting my son the way I wanted and needed to be parented. That is a beautiful and freeing thing. So moms and dads who are working on that so hard, like, well done, that is going to change. You are going to change generations of your family. Okay, third one is 15 year old. So you've got a teenager and you've struggled with this child because I don't know the right way to say this, I hope you trust me enough of my intentions. But most of the stuff that even a lot of therapists suggest for strong willed kids backfires. It doesn't work. And in schools we treat these kids as if they are behavior problems. And so they begin to internalize. I'm a bad kid. I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm the one who's always in trouble. And we get so focused on, you got to do well in school, school and behavior, school and behavior, school and behavior. That's what your childhood is. And the strong willed child's gonna be like, oh for two on those. And they begin to internalize. Well, I don't really have a vision for my life. Everybody seems to be kind of against me. So I'm gonna develop this hard shell around me. And so it makes it hard to connect with these kids. And if you get that way and there's no blame or guilt by the teenagers, you're gonna get anger and defiance coming out. And so the mom had written and said my husband had always dug in because he was like the former you and like your dad of like, well, this kid just needs to change and shape up. And so she got, they got the Christmas in July sale thing. And this is what I always tell moms with husbands like this. Just have them listen to the dad's program. Just that one. At first you listen to all 16, 17 of them, just husband. You only have to listen to one. And she heard this conversation. She heard her husband finally going to their teenager and saying, I've been a jerk to you sometimes, haven't I? I think I've always assumed the worst about your intentions and I want to apologize to you. And she was like, my husband just said those words to our child. Now I know it doesn't change everything immediately. It's not like kumbaya and they're holding hands now, which would be weir anyway, but they're not doing that. But she said what the dad was doing was because a lot of dads will hear me and can kind of relate to that is, well, just treat your kids sometimes like you're treating colleagues at work. You just talk to them honestly, hey, I've been a jerk. I've assumed the worst. And that's not working here, and I want to apologize for that. So. And the dad also said, I had a note here and forgive me for fumbling on this, but I wanted to get this right. The dad told their son, I've tried to get you to be like me, when in reality what we really want is for you to be who you're supposed to be. And I was like, when she wrote that, I was like, now that is going to change the relationship. And so there's mutual respect coming, starting to rebuild this relationship. And one of the cool things that just happened is their teenager asked the dad to go to a concert with him. That's a big deal to take your dad along to a concert or your mom when you're a teenager. And she said, that would have never happened before. They're starting to bond a little bit. And I would encourage you if you have teenagers. The first thing I would listen to for you probably would be the no BS program because it's 25 action steps in which it's like, we call it the no BS Instruction manual for Strong Will kids. Because everybody always says, oh, you didn't never get an instruction manual when you have these kids. And we're like, well, we'll put that together for you. It's 25 action steps. And one of them is releasing your kids and. And let me do this really quickly. Hey, son, daughter. I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one I wanted you to be. I release you to be who you're supposed to be, not who your siblings are, not who other kids are. I release you to do things in a different way, to not be a mini me. That releasing part is a very powerful step.

[Casey]

Step.

[Kirk Martin]

There's a step in there about learning to bond with your kids over things that irritate you. One of my favorite steps in that program is asking your kids to teach you something. Because think about how we do childhood. It's like when they're little, naturally, we're showing them teaching. Here's how you brush your teeth. Here's how you tie your shoes. Here's how you do math. And we do that for years and years. And when your kids get a little bit Older I like to ask them, hey, could you help me me with this? Could you show me this with technology how that works? I did that with Casey a lot. And what happens is kids feel a sense of mastery, there's confidence, they feel like they have something to give. Now just know that when you do this with your strong willed kids, they're probably going to choose things that irritate you and that we can see that in all three of these situations from these parents. The daughter, the five year old is irritating. Why? Because she won't go to bed on time and you're exhausted and you're not asking in too much of her, you're asking the normal thing which is your five. You need to be in bed at a good time. And the 10 year old is irritating because you know what I'm saying, they're not really irritating, they kind of are. But it's really our own control issues and a 10 year old dad's to do everything a different way rather than just doing the normal way the way all the other kids do. And the teenager is going to do the same thing. But when you can control yourself and realize I'm so rigid at times, need things to be done a certain way and you realize, man, the beautiful part about having strong willed kids is they will liberate you to enjoy your life for the next 50 years. This isn't just about parenting. This is about you changing as a human being. I am so ridiculously thankful for our strong willed son because I am now a different human being than I was a few years ago. And I can enjoy all aspects of life. I can enjoy all relationships much better because I'm not so rigid and I have to have it my way and I'm not. So and the anxiety and all those things that you can work through, this is part of family transformation. So moms and dads, thank you for working so hard at this. I do encourage you go through the programs and when you buy get the programs and you download them onto the app, you can share them with your spouse with your as we go back to school share them. Especially the ADHD University, there's a brain boosters program for teachers. We'll send those to to your child's teachers. If you have questions about that, ask Casey. It's Casey C A S E Y at celebratecalm. Com if you never need help financially, just ask. We want you to have tools to change your family. So thanks for working so hard at this. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye bye.