Loading summary
Transcript9 lines
- [00:01]
Curk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
Skylight Calendar
Love when your child reminds you about a school project at bedtime the night before it's due? With Skylight Calendar you can avoid those last minute oops moments. It visually displays your family schedule in one place with different colors for each family member so you can eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar is a WI fi connected digital display that syncs seamlessly with with all your calendars and visually showcases your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. You can manage events, chores and grocery lists on the go with the free Skylight app. This is a game changer for families like ours and your happiness is Skylight's happiness. So if in 120 days you are not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-H-T C A L.com calm.
- [01:21]
Curk Martin
Do you have a child who constantly whines and complains and throws tantrums? Of course you do, because you're a parent and I know it's irritating and exhausting, but I have some great strategies to stop these tantrums. So that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Curk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com or if you want, just go to calmparentingpodcast.com goes to the same place. You need help? Reach out to our son Casey, who no longer complains unless he's really hot. And you can reach him at Casey C A S e y@celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We'll be happy to provide action steps and direct you to the right resources to finally make these changes. So we get this email all the time. How do I get my kids to stop the constant whining, complaining and tantrums? Let me take you through my thought processes here and it will irritate you a little bit. But if you will embrace this, it will free you and and liberate you for the rest of your life from trying to manage and control everybody else's behavior and emotions. Number one, expect it. They're supposed to do it. They're Kids, their job description is to whine and complain and throw tantrums to try to get what they want. Why? Because they're immature little beings. It's what they've done since the beginning of time. It would be weird if your kids were like, you know what, Mother, father, I'm going to accept exactly what you say. I'm just going to trust that you have my best interests at heart, and I'm just going to choose to be grateful for what I have right now. Look, you don't even do that, and neither do I. We all have our different ways of whining, complaining, and throwing our own tantrums. We do. The sooner that you expect this. I'm not saying you have to like it. I'm not saying it's right. Just learn to expect it. Although, otherwise you're going to be in this constant thing. As a parent of, like, why this idea? If we just did this right way, we raised our kids right, we were good parents and we prayed over them, we did all this stuff that they would just always behave well. Where'd you get that idea? It's not born in anything in history. You weren't like that. If you were as a kid, it was probably because you needed to be the perfect little one who. So you could get your mom or dad's acceptance and affirmation. We don't want kids doing that because that's unhealthy. So just expect it. Look, moms and dads, I'm encouraging you normalize some of this stuff. It's what kids do. Number two, your job description is to not react at all. I want you to sit in it and get comfortable with the fact that your child is not always going to be happy and also get comfortable with the fact that. That you don't have to fix it. It's a really hard pattern to break, but it's critical or your child will learn to control your emotions honestly for the rest of your life. Because they're going to learn how to do it. They're going to see that little. They're going to see that little thing in your eyes, in your face, which is like, oh, my child's not happy. Oh, they're struggling. Oh, I don't have time for this. Oh, I can't put up with this. So we really need to dig down into this. Look, you are not responsible for everybody else's happiness and emotions. You're responsible for your own. And I really encourage you, work through the 30 days to calm and work through the straight talk for moms program. It will help you break these patterns. It is so liberating. Guys, you need to learn that you don't have to fix your wife's emotions. You need to have the maturity to accept and validate her emotions and then create some space to allow her to process so that you can listen to her without having to fix her. And if you're a couple, I give you this homework. Moms go through the straight talk for moms program. Dad, go through the men's program. We have work on one individual issue that you have because you have dozens and as do I. And then ask your spouse for help working on your issue, not theirs. Right? Hey, honey, I've noticed that I have this pattern where I dismiss your feelings, where I try to fix everything. I have this pattern where I try to control everything so everything goes just right. Will you help me with that? See, that would be a very vulnerable, awesome thing to do together. See, you'll change your relationship more by working on yourself than by trying to change your spouse. It's the same thing with your kids. You'll get much better results much more quickly if you change yourself first rather than trying to fix your kid. See, once you've done that for a bit, then go through the Calm Couples University together. This process will change you inside and all of your relationships. It's really cool. Number three. I want you to sit right in the midst of it when your kids are throwing a tantrum. Just sit and observe, and I'll share a script I used with 1500 kids in our home, all of whom threw tantrums and whined and complained. In fact, I wanted them to do so the first day they came to our home because I wanted to set the tone of how things would work in our home. Look, it's really not hard to get your kids to have a tantrum. You just say no to them once and they predictably whine or throw a tantrum. So let me define something. First, a meltdown and a tantrum are two different things. To me, a meltdown is when something's highly emotional, something's going on inside your child, and they've lost control emotionally. Their face is all red, right? And there's nothing logical going on them then. And that's why words don't work, and words tend to make things worse. But a tantrum is logical and rational. Your child's not dysregulated at this point. He or she simply wants something, and you said no. So being an immature human, your child reacts by whining, complaining, Throwing himself on the floor. Anything he or she can do to try to get you to change your mind to get one what they want. So many of these things are just human nature. Stop being shocked by it. I can't believe that my child. Why can't you believe that you did it when you were a kid? All kids do it. Once you accept that this is part of this ongoing dance between parent and child, these episodes will lose their sting. You can actually smile inside because you know what's going on. So stop. Look, I know you're gonna hate me for this, but it's. And I'm okay with that. Hate me all you want, but I'd rather liberate you from this. Stop all your own drama over this. I can't believe my child can't be grateful for everything we've done. Oh, are you doing everything for them so that they now owe you gratitude or obedience? See, that's a nasty pattern you've got to break. No blame, no guilt. Moms and dads just stop the drama and stop your own complaining about their complaining. Because you end up writing to me, whining about your child, always whining. So don't take it personally and don't react. You don't have to. So whether it was with Casey or with the kids who came to our home, I learned very quickly to disappoint them on purpose by saying no to something. Right? Some of you. Now look, some of you say no to everything. That's not good either. So here are a few options for you. When your kids predictably whine, complain or throw a tantrum, I want you to sit down and observe. Observe them and just say this in a flat, non emotional, matter of fact tone. Look, we've got two rules in our home for tantrums. The first is this. We do everything with excellence around here. So if you're going to flail away, I want you to do it with excellence. Give me everything you got. Because the second rule is that your tantrums, whining and complaining will never, ever, ever, ever, ever work in my home. It's just a waste of time now. And you say this as you kind of stand up and begin walking somewhere to carry on your task. Now, if you want to talk to me, we can problem solve this situation, but otherwise the answer is always going to be no. So let me know what you decide and then you give your child some space. Let me go through that again. I just sit in the midst of it. You don't have to say that about. We ever do everything with excellence. And so but here's the tone and here's what your actions need to communicate very clearly. This just isn't going to work. It won't ever work. It's not going to work when I'm tired. It's not going to work when I'm mad at your mom or dad. It's not going to work in public. It's just not going to work with me.
- [10:20]
Mrs. Calm
When we moved to our home, we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs. But we just saved 90% with fast growing trees and they helped us get the exact privacy and flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the US with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers, including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code Calm at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at fast growingtrees.com using the code CALM fast growingtrees.com Calm offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.
- [11:38]
Curk Martin
So Mrs.
- [11:39]
Mrs. Calm
Calm told me yesterday, I wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My Ag one in the morning provides some consistency I really crave. And that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up and start our day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a Special offer@drinkag1.com Calm look, I've got more energy, better mental clarity and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com calm to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com calm to start your Day with a win.
- [12:52]
Curk Martin
So this also means you have to take care of yourself, so you have the patience to not react, so you actually follow through. You've heard our language. So you keep your promises and don't give in, even when you're surrounded by three little kids pestering you, even if it's in the grocery store and you're getting embarrassed by their behavior, which, by the way, that's your own immaturity, because you're allowing the judgments of strangers to change your own behavior. See, I expected tantrums in public. Why? Because they're very effective against parents. Because that's when we give them. Fine. Just go grab some fruit snacks, grab some sugar, grab some candy, get whatever you want. Just do not melt down. Do not have a tantrum in the store, in front of people, or in front of your grandparents, because they judge me all the time. So I embraced it. Because my job is not to control my children, but to model for them. Self control. And to teach them how to make their own choices. This means no lectures. Stop with the lectures. They don't work. No whiny lectures saying, you just need to be grateful for what you have. When I was a kid, we didn't have all these things. I do everything for you, and this is what I get. See, that's that nasty generational pattern rearing its ugly head again. Break that. That's your imbalance. So you have to. So you have to control.
- [14:20]
Mrs. Calm
Right?
- [14:20]
Curk Martin
Get control over that. No blame, no guilt. Just work on it. See, most of these parenting issues have nothing to do with children. That's why I was excited to do this podcast, because it has almost nothing to do with their whining, complaining, and throwing tantrums and everything to do with. Which is how we respond to it. These are pretty predictable things. We know what they're going to do because they've done this the past 47 times you said no. True. Right? It's got everything to do with us. Again, I will say this every. No blame, no guilt. It's good news. The only person on this planet I can control is myself. And when I do that, everyone around me begins to change. It is so liberating. If you get a hold of this, it actually just frees you. It makes parenting more fun. It makes life easier because you stop having to control every situation, every person in your life. So save the long lectures. Become more stoic. Breathe into it, smile into it. Whatever works for you. Because the sooner you embrace this, the sooner the tantrums will stay. Stop. Stop feeding them so much of your energy. Well, but what if your child follows you around incessantly? I know a common question is, what if your kids keep following you around, pestering you and not letting you go? And I have a fantastic solution for you that simply look at one word that will stop this. So listen to the Discipline that Works program. It's in the calm parenting package or the get everything package. It's magical. And it worked with 50, 1500 kids. Here's another option. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate. They can do. Now. This was a huge change for me because I was known as Dr. No in our home. Everything was no. Stop doing that. Cut it out. No, no. Stop. And if you have a younger child, that's going to be what they hear dozens of times right? Each day. Stop it. Hey, cut it out. Take that out of your ear. Put that down. Stop touching that. But these are kids who have a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy that needs to be directed and funneled into purposeful missions. It's one of our phrases, purposeful missions. So your no should be even and matter of fact, with no energy. But then you give your energy to what they can do and then create a success. Oh, yeah, the fruit snacks right now, not happening. But here's what you could do right now, while I make dinner, I walk into the living room, my child's jumping on the sofa. Hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. But I love your energy, man. Could you come help me stir the soup? Could you come help me walk the dog? Switch from always going to the no and finding a way to get to yes. I did a morning routine thing on that where in the morning, say yes to something. It changes their mindset. Make it a challenge, make it harder, give it a time limit, but say yes to things. Okay, let's say you have an older child who just complains about everything. And I've covered this before, but here's two reminders. One is this. Some kids process their feelings and emotions by, sorry for the word, barfing them up. Literally, just barf them all up. They complain about everything. That's what it sounds and feels like. And they talk while ruminating over things. And it sounds so negative, it's irritating. Sometimes it's concerning. You're wondering, if they have some kind of problem, why aren't they grateful? What's going on? This is the child who complains literally the entire time you're at an amusement park, and then two weeks later, you hear him telling his grandparents, what an awesome time he had. And you're perplexed, right? Because he's like, that kid was unhappy the whole time. Some kids aren't necessarily unhappy, they're just venting the whole time. And that's what's going on. And if you know that, you can deal with it better. Now here's the second reminder that I've gone through before. Let's say your daughter comes home or your son, doesn't matter, begins venting as they do most days. Embrace it. You know, it sounds like you had a really frustrating day. You know what? I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about your day. Tell me everything that irritated you, everyone who irritated you. But look, then after seven and a half minutes, we problem solve if we need to. Or you just got it all out of your system. If your child had something seriously wrong happen at school, we're not going to limit this to seven and a half minutes. We're not going to be dismissive of some major thing. But if it's just an afternoon venting kind of thing that's going on, that's different. This is just a general venting session. So choose your own time limit. I just like specific times because this makes it, when I say seven and a half minutes, that makes it very concrete. It's memorable. They know there's a limit. So you're giving them space to do this, but within your boundaries and then you lead them to problem solve. So do any of these situations need to be fixed or change anything you can do differently? Do you need my help with anything in particular or are you good for now? See, sometimes it's just nice to be heard and get it out. Now here's a different little twist. What if your child comes home and takes things out on you, right? And starts yelling at you and calling you names, throwing things. Then I want you to be firm again, non emotional, but direct. Firm and direct is very, very effective with strong willed kids. As long as you're in control of yourself. Control of yourself because you have to help distinguish between what is appropriate and what is not. And those lines with modern day parents are getting a little blurred. We're being a little bit too sweet and accommodating because we don't want to be the authoritarian parents who just shut our kids down. We've swung a little bit too far in the other direction and we're getting walked on a little bit as parents and that's not good either that's not healthy for your child or for you. So you may say something like this. You may feel free to complain and vent about situations that people at school for this time period, feel free, complain and vent about those situations at school during this time. But you may not take things out on me. I am not your punching bag in life and it's never okay for you to treat anyone like that. I'm happy to listen and problem solve, but I will not allow you to treat me like X. Are we clear? See, that draws a distinction. I'm fine with venting. I'm good with that. I will listen, I will problem solve. But when you go into calling me names or blaming me for things, you just crossed a line that doesn't get crossed. You're teaching your child proper boundaries and what is okay and not okay. Watch what I didn't do. I didn't make it personal. You know what? You're a disrespectful little snot for talking like. I didn't say anything like that. I just said what behavior is appropriate and what is appropriate to me? What am I willing to listen to? See, that's where the boundary gets set of where what I am allowing. This is the compassionate thing to do for your child so he or she does not develop a habit of taking things out on the people around him or her, thereby ruining future relationships. Some of you are married to someone who takes his or her issues out on you. So the compassionate thing to do for your child is to say this over here, acceptable. Okay. This though, when you cross that line, not going to happen in my home. Because that's the compassionate thing to do for yourself. So you don't continue this pattern of always being the kind, listening one who meets everyone else's needs but doesn't get yours met. That is a huge pattern to break. Moms speak to you as women because I know this, this is hard for a lot of you. And it's because you, you are compassionate people with big hearts. But this is especially true for moms, those who are raised to be the good little girl and worry about everybody else while denying your own needs. As if that was something noble and virtuous. And it wasn't for my religious friends out there, my Christian friends out there. You have been taught this in many ways. And you get run all over. Jesus didn't act like that. He did not. He retreated often. He didn't run around everywhere all the time, right? Not getting any sleep and not eating because there are such great needs. And he had so much compassion. He had to help everyone. He Retreated, often up into the mountains so he could get away and take care of himself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Because he knew that in order to be healthy and give out into, to have compassion for people, I have to be rested and I have to tend to my own relationships internally and externally. So don't fall into that trap of thinking, oh, we're just to be good little martyrs. No, you're not right. When I look, I sacrifice at times, but I sacrifice from a place of wholeness because then I'm not resentful about it. See, some of you had parents who were resentful over it, and you learned that pattern after all I do for you. Well, that's not a good motive. That's manipulative. I did all these things for you so that you would then do whatever I asked you to do. Or another manipulative one is, I'm the authority figure in the home, and either you do what I say or you're going to get this consequence. Get a whooping. Well, that's just fear and intimidation. That's not healthy either. When I sacrifice for people and give to people, I want to do it from a place of wholeness, expecting nothing. Look, expecting and needing nothing in return. Because I have taken care of myself proactively, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I am now free to give out without needing anything in return. See, that's a beautiful, beautiful thing to do. Because if you don't change that, this pattern will show up. I guarantee you. It's in all of your relationship with your spouse and look at your past boyfriends or girlfriends. You're going to see it there. Everybody that you dated, it was the same pattern. It's with your kids, it's with your friends, where you're always the one giving in and letting others choose what movie you see or which book club book you read. It's within your own larger family when you allow the more assertive siblings or in laws to dictate everything. Let's change that. See how this podcast went from your children complaining, whining, and throwing tantrums to us working on our own stuff. No blame, no guilt. Look, the tantrum, the whining, complaining and tantrums thing, that's a pretty easy one to me. There's no deeper thing going on, right? With a lot of disrespect and defiance. Kids have anxiety. Some other deeper things are going on. They're beating themselves up inside. But this whining, complaining, tantrums thing, you can end that one pretty quickly by controlling yourself and doing What I said here and learn that one word. It's really cool when you use that with your kids. But what I'm really interested in is not changing your child's behavior. And I'm not interested in changing your behavior. I want to free you and change these patterns. So I want you to start the new year being free of these things. Look, the podcast. I hope. I love my podcast. You know what? Look, if I didn't enjoy this or think it was good, I wouldn't devote energy to it. But if you want lasting change, go through the programs, because that's our instruction manual. I go through a lot of detail there to get you to. To help you break these patterns. It will make all of this stick once and for all. So go to celebratecolm.com you'll see all the programs. If you need help financially, be assertive and ask for it. Here's a good example of that. Well, I don't want to ask for help because what you're really saying is I'm not worthy of being helped. That's not true. You're worthy of being helped. You're worthy of getting the tools you need to change. And if you'll be bold about it, come in here. Let's change in the new year. I'll help you with it. I like bold people. So if you need help, reach out to Casey cascycelebratecom.com Tell us what you need help with. We'll help you. Hey, thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be tough with you. I hope you can hear inside that it comes from a place of wanting you to be free. It doesn't matter, right? You think of me, what you want with that. But. But I want you to know that we do want to help, and we appreciate you sharing the podcast and being supportive of us and being supportive of our sponsors as well. That does help us out a lot. So thanks, everybody. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.