Mrs. Calm (10:20)

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Curk Martin (11:37)

So Mrs.

Mrs. Calm (11:38)

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Curk Martin (12:51)

So this also means you have to take care of yourself, so you have the patience to not react, so you actually follow through. You've heard our language. So you keep your promises and don't give in, even when you're surrounded by three little kids pestering you, even if it's in the grocery store and you're getting embarrassed by their behavior, which, by the way, that's your own immaturity, because you're allowing the judgments of strangers to change your own behavior. See, I expected tantrums in public. Why? Because they're very effective against parents. Because that's when we give them. Fine. Just go grab some fruit snacks, grab some sugar, grab some candy, get whatever you want. Just do not melt down. Do not have a tantrum in the store, in front of people, or in front of your grandparents, because they judge me all the time. So I embraced it. Because my job is not to control my children, but to model for them. Self control. And to teach them how to make their own choices. This means no lectures. Stop with the lectures. They don't work. No whiny lectures saying, you just need to be grateful for what you have. When I was a kid, we didn't have all these things. I do everything for you, and this is what I get. See, that's that nasty generational pattern rearing its ugly head again. Break that. That's your imbalance. So you have to. So you have to control.

Mrs. Calm (14:19)

Right?

Curk Martin (14:20)

Get control over that. No blame, no guilt. Just work on it. See, most of these parenting issues have nothing to do with children. That's why I was excited to do this podcast, because it has almost nothing to do with their whining, complaining, and throwing tantrums and everything to do with. Which is how we respond to it. These are pretty predictable things. We know what they're going to do because they've done this the past 47 times you said no. True. Right? It's got everything to do with us. Again, I will say this every. No blame, no guilt. It's good news. The only person on this planet I can control is myself. And when I do that, everyone around me begins to change. It is so liberating. If you get a hold of this, it actually just frees you. It makes parenting more fun. It makes life easier because you stop having to control every situation, every person in your life. So save the long lectures. Become more stoic. Breathe into it, smile into it. Whatever works for you. Because the sooner you embrace this, the sooner the tantrums will stay. Stop. Stop feeding them so much of your energy. Well, but what if your child follows you around incessantly? I know a common question is, what if your kids keep following you around, pestering you and not letting you go? And I have a fantastic solution for you that simply look at one word that will stop this. So listen to the Discipline that Works program. It's in the calm parenting package or the get everything package. It's magical. And it worked with 50, 1500 kids. Here's another option. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate. They can do. Now. This was a huge change for me because I was known as Dr. No in our home. Everything was no. Stop doing that. Cut it out. No, no. Stop. And if you have a younger child, that's going to be what they hear dozens of times right? Each day. Stop it. Hey, cut it out. Take that out of your ear. Put that down. Stop touching that. But these are kids who have a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy that needs to be directed and funneled into purposeful missions. It's one of our phrases, purposeful missions. So your no should be even and matter of fact, with no energy. But then you give your energy to what they can do and then create a success. Oh, yeah, the fruit snacks right now, not happening. But here's what you could do right now, while I make dinner, I walk into the living room, my child's jumping on the sofa. Hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. But I love your energy, man. Could you come help me stir the soup? Could you come help me walk the dog? Switch from always going to the no and finding a way to get to yes. I did a morning routine thing on that where in the morning, say yes to something. It changes their mindset. Make it a challenge, make it harder, give it a time limit, but say yes to things. Okay, let's say you have an older child who just complains about everything. And I've covered this before, but here's two reminders. One is this. Some kids process their feelings and emotions by, sorry for the word, barfing them up. Literally, just barf them all up. They complain about everything. That's what it sounds and feels like. And they talk while ruminating over things. And it sounds so negative, it's irritating. Sometimes it's concerning. You're wondering, if they have some kind of problem, why aren't they grateful? What's going on? This is the child who complains literally the entire time you're at an amusement park, and then two weeks later, you hear him telling his grandparents, what an awesome time he had. And you're perplexed, right? Because he's like, that kid was unhappy the whole time. Some kids aren't necessarily unhappy, they're just venting the whole time. And that's what's going on. And if you know that, you can deal with it better. Now here's the second reminder that I've gone through before. Let's say your daughter comes home or your son, doesn't matter, begins venting as they do most days. Embrace it. You know, it sounds like you had a really frustrating day. You know what? I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about your day. Tell me everything that irritated you, everyone who irritated you. But look, then after seven and a half minutes, we problem solve if we need to. Or you just got it all out of your system. If your child had something seriously wrong happen at school, we're not going to limit this to seven and a half minutes. We're not going to be dismissive of some major thing. But if it's just an afternoon venting kind of thing that's going on, that's different. This is just a general venting session. So choose your own time limit. I just like specific times because this makes it, when I say seven and a half minutes, that makes it very concrete. It's memorable. They know there's a limit. So you're giving them space to do this, but within your boundaries and then you lead them to problem solve. So do any of these situations need to be fixed or change anything you can do differently? Do you need my help with anything in particular or are you good for now? See, sometimes it's just nice to be heard and get it out. Now here's a different little twist. What if your child comes home and takes things out on you, right? And starts yelling at you and calling you names, throwing things. Then I want you to be firm again, non emotional, but direct. Firm and direct is very, very effective with strong willed kids. As long as you're in control of yourself. Control of yourself because you have to help distinguish between what is appropriate and what is not. And those lines with modern day parents are getting a little blurred. We're being a little bit too sweet and accommodating because we don't want to be the authoritarian parents who just shut our kids down. We've swung a little bit too far in the other direction and we're getting walked on a little bit as parents and that's not good either that's not healthy for your child or for you. So you may say something like this. You may feel free to complain and vent about situations that people at school for this time period, feel free, complain and vent about those situations at school during this time. But you may not take things out on me. I am not your punching bag in life and it's never okay for you to treat anyone like that. I'm happy to listen and problem solve, but I will not allow you to treat me like X. Are we clear? See, that draws a distinction. I'm fine with venting. I'm good with that. I will listen, I will problem solve. But when you go into calling me names or blaming me for things, you just crossed a line that doesn't get crossed. You're teaching your child proper boundaries and what is okay and not okay. Watch what I didn't do. I didn't make it personal. You know what? You're a disrespectful little snot for talking like. I didn't say anything like that. I just said what behavior is appropriate and what is appropriate to me? What am I willing to listen to? See, that's where the boundary gets set of where what I am allowing. This is the compassionate thing to do for your child so he or she does not develop a habit of taking things out on the people around him or her, thereby ruining future relationships. Some of you are married to someone who takes his or her issues out on you. So the compassionate thing to do for your child is to say this over here, acceptable. Okay. This though, when you cross that line, not going to happen in my home. Because that's the compassionate thing to do for yourself. So you don't continue this pattern of always being the kind, listening one who meets everyone else's needs but doesn't get yours met. That is a huge pattern to break. Moms speak to you as women because I know this, this is hard for a lot of you. And it's because you, you are compassionate people with big hearts. But this is especially true for moms, those who are raised to be the good little girl and worry about everybody else while denying your own needs. As if that was something noble and virtuous. And it wasn't for my religious friends out there, my Christian friends out there. You have been taught this in many ways. And you get run all over. Jesus didn't act like that. He did not. He retreated often. He didn't run around everywhere all the time, right? Not getting any sleep and not eating because there are such great needs. And he had so much compassion. He had to help everyone. He Retreated, often up into the mountains so he could get away and take care of himself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Because he knew that in order to be healthy and give out into, to have compassion for people, I have to be rested and I have to tend to my own relationships internally and externally. So don't fall into that trap of thinking, oh, we're just to be good little martyrs. No, you're not right. When I look, I sacrifice at times, but I sacrifice from a place of wholeness because then I'm not resentful about it. See, some of you had parents who were resentful over it, and you learned that pattern after all I do for you. Well, that's not a good motive. That's manipulative. I did all these things for you so that you would then do whatever I asked you to do. Or another manipulative one is, I'm the authority figure in the home, and either you do what I say or you're going to get this consequence. Get a whooping. Well, that's just fear and intimidation. That's not healthy either. When I sacrifice for people and give to people, I want to do it from a place of wholeness, expecting nothing. Look, expecting and needing nothing in return. Because I have taken care of myself proactively, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I am now free to give out without needing anything in return. See, that's a beautiful, beautiful thing to do. Because if you don't change that, this pattern will show up. I guarantee you. It's in all of your relationship with your spouse and look at your past boyfriends or girlfriends. You're going to see it there. Everybody that you dated, it was the same pattern. It's with your kids, it's with your friends, where you're always the one giving in and letting others choose what movie you see or which book club book you read. It's within your own larger family when you allow the more assertive siblings or in laws to dictate everything. Let's change that. See how this podcast went from your children complaining, whining, and throwing tantrums to us working on our own stuff. No blame, no guilt. Look, the tantrum, the whining, complaining and tantrums thing, that's a pretty easy one to me. There's no deeper thing going on, right? With a lot of disrespect and defiance. Kids have anxiety. Some other deeper things are going on. They're beating themselves up inside. But this whining, complaining, tantrums thing, you can end that one pretty quickly by controlling yourself and doing What I said here and learn that one word. It's really cool when you use that with your kids. But what I'm really interested in is not changing your child's behavior. And I'm not interested in changing your behavior. I want to free you and change these patterns. So I want you to start the new year being free of these things. Look, the podcast. I hope. I love my podcast. You know what? Look, if I didn't enjoy this or think it was good, I wouldn't devote energy to it. But if you want lasting change, go through the programs, because that's our instruction manual. I go through a lot of detail there to get you to. To help you break these patterns. It will make all of this stick once and for all. So go to celebratecolm.com you'll see all the programs. If you need help financially, be assertive and ask for it. Here's a good example of that. Well, I don't want to ask for help because what you're really saying is I'm not worthy of being helped. That's not true. You're worthy of being helped. You're worthy of getting the tools you need to change. And if you'll be bold about it, come in here. Let's change in the new year. I'll help you with it. I like bold people. So if you need help, reach out to Casey cascycelebratecom.com Tell us what you need help with. We'll help you. Hey, thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me be tough with you. I hope you can hear inside that it comes from a place of wanting you to be free. It doesn't matter, right? You think of me, what you want with that. But. But I want you to know that we do want to help, and we appreciate you sharing the podcast and being supportive of us and being supportive of our sponsors as well. That does help us out a lot. So thanks, everybody. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.