Surviving Summer Vacation With Bored, Complaining Kids & Judgmental Relatives #608

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast

Episode #608: Surviving Summer Vacation With Bored, Complaining Kids & Judgmental Relatives

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: July 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin tackles the unique challenges parents face during family summer vacations—specifically, managing strong-willed, easily overwhelmed, or “difficult” kids, and navigating judgment from extended family members. He offers practical strategies, scripts, and mindset shifts to help parents survive and even enjoy the chaos of vacations and family gatherings—all in his signature honest and light-hearted style.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Family Vacations Are So Stressful (03:21–06:55)

• Off-schedule Kids: Kirk describes how family trips throw kids (especially those with anxiety, ADHD, or sensory needs) off their routines, leading to meltdowns, exhaustion, and emotional outbursts.
• Judgment from Family: He normalizes parents’ fears about being judged by relatives whose kids seem to behave "perfectly."
• "Vacations aren’t always a vacation for parents": Kirk acknowledges how especially moms often come back more exhausted.

2. Strategies for Helping Strong-Willed, Anxious, or Easily Overwhelmed Kids

Preparation and Giving Control (07:00–08:50)

• Show kids the vacation rental floor plan in advance, let them pick their room, and explore the area on Google Maps for familiar stores or fun activities.

  “Pull up a layout of the vacation rental ahead of time...so your child can see the floorplan, perhaps see which bedroom will be his or hers.” (07:20, Kirk)

• Let kids plan some activities, put together a grocery list, do “grown-up jobs” (like being grandma’s porter), or create signs for each room—tasks that provide responsibility, ownership, and a sense of control.

  “Put your strong-willed child in charge...that provides a certain amount of order and they get to do something creative.” (08:03, Kirk)

Handling Complaining and Emotional Venting (08:55–12:51)

• It’s not a gratitude issue: Kirk explains most strong-willed kids are highly expressive and catastrophize (“the whole day is ruined!”) as their way of managing disappointment.

  “This is not a gratitude issue...this is about kids who are verbally and emotionally very expressive.” (09:21, Kirk)

• Do not correct, lecture, or try to fix right away—it’s how they process.
• Vent Session Tip: Give a set window for venting (e.g., “7½ minutes to vent, then we move on or problem-solve”).

  “I am going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent...after that, no more, then we either move on or we problem-solve.” (10:27, Kirk)

• Ask if they’re truly unhappy or just processing; develop self-awareness.
• If venting in public, suggest they do it privately with you (“Come vent while we walk, or in our room... so everyone else doesn’t have to hear it.”) – teaches respect for others.
• It’s OK to ignore minor complaining; sometimes just validating (“Yeah, that stinks!”) is all they need.

Boredom—Let It Be Their Problem (12:52–13:57)

• Don’t own your kids’ boredom: “Wow, boredom stinks. What are you going to do to solve your boredom?”

  “I believe you’re capable of using your creativity and imagination to solve your boredom.” (13:40, Kirk)

• For little kids, suggest small helping tasks or crafts for relatives.

3. Coping with Family Judgment and Setting Boundaries (16:02–22:45)

• Relatives will judge you no matter what—do what works:

  “You are going to get judged and relatives are going to whisper behind your back no matter what you do. So you may as well do what works for your family.” (16:02, Casey)

• Alone time is essential:

  • Plan time away from the group to decompress, especially after a few days.

    “Go your own way for a few hours... this has always been my go-to because everybody always needs something from the grocery store. It gives me an opportunity to be helpful but also escape...” (17:18, Kirk)

  • Encourage parents to resist guilt if relatives paid for the trip.
    • “They don’t get to use guilt and manipulation on you unless you allow it.” (17:58, Kirk)
  • He shares a personal story about staying on the beach for extra hours even though family disapproved (18:20–19:34).

• Understand your child’s experience:

  • Setting boundaries helps you relate to your strong-willed child, who feels misunderstood or like the “black sheep” much of the time.

    “You will begin to understand what it feels like to be the strong-willed child who feels like the black sheep...which is how your kids feel all the time.” (19:32, Kirk)

• Stop managing everyone else’s emotions:

  “I'm a grown woman, I'm a grown man. I know what is best for my family and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop managing the emotions of everybody else. I'm going to stop trying to make everybody else happy in the family, that is not your responsibility.” (20:55, Kirk)

• Use code words and plan exits:

  • Have a secret code with your spouse for when you need a break or to defuse a tense situation in front of others.

    “We used to have a secret code word...when you get in these tricky moments and everybody’s looking at you...you can have an exit strategy.” (22:10, Kirk)

4. Scripts and Strategies for Talking to Extended Family (22:45–28:00)

• You owe no explanations:

  • Kirk encourages parents to be straightforward and not defensive about their parenting.

    “Hey, I know our parenting looks different...I try to take what you did really well and also blend it with what works best with our strong-willed child.” (23:22, Kirk)

  • If pushed, mention you’ve “done all the consequences” but different kids need different approaches.
  • If relatives want to correct your kids, jokingly offer to “correct them back” (as a mental exercise for the parents, not an actual confrontation). He uses this as a playful outlet for resentment.

• Invite relatives to focus on connection, not correction:

  • Suggest they ask your child about their interests, or invite them to help with real tasks (e.g., fixing something, grilling).

    “Ask your grandson or granddaughter to come help you build or fix that...I’d really like you to see them shine doing what they love instead of just pointing out the things they aren’t good at.” (24:32, Kirk)

  • Recommend they share stories of successful adults with traits like your child’s.

• Redirect school/grades talk:

  “Redirect the conversation to the robot your child built or someone they helped with their big heart. If you want to be snarky...‘how quaint that your child can sit still all day and follow people’s arbitrary rules—our son built a working robot...’” (25:39, Kirk, tongue-in-cheek)

• Offer resources for better understanding:

  • Suggest listening to specific podcast episodes that explain your child’s brain.

    “Listen to these two episodes of this podcast...Ask your strong-willed child to help the grandparents load the podcast app onto their phone...” (26:53, Kirk)

• Prioritize positive memories and connection:

  • Encourage relatives to spend time enjoying the kids’ gifts, not correcting.

    “I’d love for our kids to have amazing memories of their time with you—not feeling like grandma and grandpa were always correcting them...We’ll do the correcting, you do the enjoying.” (27:55, Kirk)

5. Final Encouragement: Break the Generational Patterns

• Trust your instincts, not guilt:
  • Remain persistent even when pressured.
• Model courage and self-respect:

  “You are creating a new family tree and that is an amazing gift to your kids.” (29:57, Kirk)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On venting and catastrophizing:

  “You can simply ignore it and know it will pass. And that’s a perfectly fine option. You could, and I do suggest this, match their intensity—‘You know what? That really does stink when that happens...’” (10:10, Kirk)

• On breaking generational guilt:

  “They don’t get to use guilt and manipulation on you unless you allow it. ...You have to break free of that—for yourself, for your spouse, for your kids, and also for your parents.” (17:58, Kirk)

• On standing up for your family:

  “Saying no to your parents and siblings may be one of the hardest things you ever do...But they use that as manipulation, right? Why don’t we put the responsibility on them to be gracious and mature and not manipulate you?” (20:05, Kirk)

• On connection over correction:

  “We’ll do the correcting, you do the enjoying with them. Enjoy them and build them up.” (27:58, Kirk)

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Important Timestamps

• Why family vacations are so hard / What to expect: 03:21–06:55
• Helping your kids manage unknowns & giving control: 07:00–08:50
• Handling venting and complaints: 08:55–12:51
• Dealing with boredom: 12:52–13:57
• Coping with judgmental relatives & setting boundaries: 16:02–22:45
• Handling family conversations & constructive scripts: 22:45–28:00
• Final encouragement / closing thoughts: 28:16–30:03

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Closing

Kirk wraps the episode by encouraging parents to replay the episode for family, trust their instincts, and celebrate the courage it takes to parent differently. He reminds listeners that enforcing boundaries and prioritizing connection over compliance creates a powerful legacy for their children.

“You are creating a new family tree and that is an amazing gift to your kids. Okay, enjoy your vacation as much as you can.” (29:57, Kirk)

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For full resources and more Calm Parenting content, visit CelebrateCalm.com.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

So here's a cool story of how two parents chose to inspire their child's curiosity this summer. The parents signed up to learn calculus and [e-mail] Kirk to support their kids taking a class over the summer.

[Casey]

I love this.

[Kirk Martin]

You are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not just something you make them do. IXL is an award winning learning platform with an easy to navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step by step video tutorials that make it perfect for relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at iexcel.com Kirk Visit iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price so Casey and I were talking about his other job, which requires a team working together in a fast paced environment with lots of moving parts and details to manage. And I blurted out, you guys should use Skylight Calendar because then you'd have all the details laid out visually which with each employee's tasks highlighted in different

[Casey]

colors, you won't miss anything.

[Kirk Martin]

And that's why I keep hearing from moms and dads who use Skylight Calendar

[Casey]

to reduce the stress and the miss ball games.

[Kirk Martin]

Skylight is especially helpful with our kids. Visually seeing the schedule can kind of help with that, reduce anxiety and give them a sense of control. You can try Skylight for four months and if you're not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Families are better when they're working together. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting go to myskylight.com parenting for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's my S K Y L I g h t.com parenting so how many of you can relate to this mom? She said I not only have to manage the emotional temperature of the home, but my own internal temperature fluctuations.

[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

do you ever get judged by relatives because your strong willed child doesn't behave the right way? How can you prepare your kids for the unknowns of family vacation? What do you say when kids are bored or complain the entire time? How can you get grandparents and relatives to be constructive instead of judgmental? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm and you can find us in our big summer [e-mail] thank you for not sending long emails. Right now Casey and I are enjoying our father son hiking trip together and this is a once in a lifetime dream for me. So thank you. Family vacation means your kids are going to be off their schedule. They're going to be exhausted and overwhelmed, they're going to be eating awful food, they're going to going to have massive tantrums and meltdowns right in front of your family members who have the perfect children and you're going to get judged. Doesn't it sound awesome? So I want to make this different. So this is a special kind of last minute bonus podcast episode for a couple special Instagram families about to dive into a week long family vacation. So forgive me if this isn't polished, but hopefully you can apply these principles to managing family issues throughout the year. And some of you have grandparents living with you, so you're probably equally excited about and dreading the family vacation with your relatives because everybody's going to be together at home. Sometimes you have to manage the emotions of your kids and spouse, which is hard enough, but now you have in laws and your own parents and siblings watching you parent a strong willed child who is at times unfair parentable. So on top of that, vacations aren't always a vacation for some parents, moms who take on extra responsibilities. You come home more exhausted needing an actual vacation. So how can we manage this time better than we have in the past? I want to give you some very, very practical ideas. I'm going to break it into three parts for handling your kids, helping them handling kind of that general time together and then some talks, some scripts, some strategies you can use with your extended family. Talk about your kids first. You have kids who struggle with unknowns and unfamiliar things causes anxiety. So let's plan ahead. Pull up a layout of the vacation rental ahead of time so your child can see the floor plan. Perhaps see which bedroom will be his or hers. You can pull up Google Maps and look at the surrounding area. Where are their favorite stores or fun places you can retreat to. Put your strong willed child in charge of coming up with some alternative activities. Maybe there are some concerts in the park, Jet skis, a rock climbing place, something they are into. Our kids also like more grown up activities and responsibilities. So would your child want to put together a grocery list, Be responsible for being grandma's porter with her luggage. Maybe making signs for each bedroom with people's names on it because that provides a certain amount of order. They get to do something creative. Maybe it's cooking one meal, a meal one day, looking up fun things to do. Have them come up with a rainy day plan. Your kids like to plan ahead like that and it gives them some sense of control when everything's kind of out of control. Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation, all day, every day. And then two weeks later when the grandparents ask, hey, how was vacation? You'll hear your strong bull child say, grandma, that was the best vacation ever. And you're going to be in another room thinking, wait, what? All you did was complain the entire time. I want you to know, and I mean this 100%, this is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life and it is best taught simply by modeling, by living it out, by not by obnoxious lectures. You know, it's really important to be grateful. No, live it out your daily life. Model it. Let your kids see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally very expressive. It's not an excuse for it. It's not like, oh, we just have to cuddle our children. No, it's just understanding the way they're made. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately. And it's often overblown. They catastrophize. Great. Now the whole day, the whole week is going to be ruined. And maybe you're married to someone who does that, like my wife. So do not correct them right away. Do not try to make it better. Do not try to explain it or convince them that everything's going to be okay. Because that's annoying. And your child's constant complaining when you're trying to do something very nice and expensive for them is annoying. But it's how they process emotions. And in some ways it's better than just bottling it all up. Our son is the same way. He got that trait from me, and yet he is one of the most grateful people I know. So it's not a gratitude issue. Relax with that. Sometimes people like us catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. So we say the whole day is going to be ruined. And then when it's not, well, that's a win. So here are several different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude or you trying to make everything better. Because I want to free you from doing that, being responsible for everybody in the home. One, you can simply ignore it and know it will pass. And that's a perfectly fine option. You could, and I do suggest this, match their intensity. You know what? That really does stink when that happens. Man, I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation feels really good. They feel heard. Now I like this one a lot after school and on vacation because some of your kids vent hardcore. So here's what I would say. Hey guys, here's what we're going to do. I am going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent. Now, seven and a half minutes is an arbitrary number, but I like it because it's between 5 and 10. It gives them enough time to vent, but it's not too long. And there is an end to it. It's very specific. Seven and a half, which means you've thought it through and that you're serious. And specificity is very grounding for kids when they are upset. So, son or daughter, I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything you don't like about your day at school or about this vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more, then we either move on or we problem solve how to fix things. Got it? See, you're giving them an opportunity to vent. You're not shutting them down, but within your boundaries and with a clear endpoint. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting after that. Now, if something happened at school that's really emotional or there's a big relationship issue. That's important and a true issue. Well, don't cut them off at seven and a half minutes. But if this is just venting, seven and a half is just fine. You choose the time. You have every right to say, hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out, but not everyone wants to hear about it.

[Kirk Martin]

And you can add this and the

[Casey]

world doesn't revolve around you. There's nothing wrong with saying, hey, whole world doesn't revolve around you. I'm not being snotty, it's just a statement of fact. The world does not revolve around you. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me while we go for a walk, while we sit in our room, while you take a bath so everyone else doesn't have to hear it. That's teaching appropriate respect for others. Now, at some point I would ask, hey, I'm curious, are you really unhappy right now or is this just how you process disappointment? Because it would be really helpful for you to know, but also really helpful for them to have that self awareness to know, oh, I do this. This is how it could possibly affect others. And maybe there's a more positive way I could do this, or this is okay for me to vent like this, but I'm not just a negative, ungrateful jerk. Look, I often tell parents, sometimes give yourself like the next three hours or a day to have a pity party. Right, have the pity party, but give yourself a time limit for it. And so sometimes that's a really healthy thing to do. Okay, quick anecdote, side note. So a couple months ago, Casey texted me about this blood test he had to do. And it meant fasting overnight well into the next day. Plus, he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning, which is gross. And he was venting and catastrophizing. And I remember I was at the gym on this weight machine and my parental impulse, even though he's a grown adult, was to say, oh, I don't

[Kirk Martin]

think it's going to be that bad.

[Casey]

But why do we do that? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? And so I caught myself because I try to live this out. I text to back, that stinks. I'd hate that. And guess what? He was done. He just wanted someone to agree that it was going to be awful. And I did agree because it was awful. But he lived through it. Okay, one more for your kids when they are inevitably bored. Do not own it or fix it or react to it. You can go old school and say, oh, if you're bored, we've got some cleaning we need some help with. But mainly I want you to put it in their court. Wow, boredom stinks. So what are you going to do to solve your boredom? Don't try to make it better. Don't apologize. Oh, I'm sorry. Or you could just say, hey, I believe you're capable of using your creativity and imagination to solve your boredom. And then you walk out of the room. If you have younger kids, you can make a suggestion. You know what? I bet your grandma could use some help right now. Or why don't you create a birthday card for her? Okay, let's develop plans for when your family is all together.

[Kirk Martin]

Okay, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I bet you've fallen into this trap. We've had the same knives for decades and they aren't sharp. So every single day when I'm cutting up a salad, pineapple or chicken, it's frustrating. So I finally, finally went to Wayfair.com

[Casey]

I read the reviews.

[Kirk Martin]

I ordered two very sharp everyday knives for less than $20. I know it sounds dumb, but those knives are providing so much joy on a daily basis. They sliced through everything and now I kick myself for not doing this years ago. Don't live with kitchen or home regrets. What do you need to upgrade in your home? I bet you can do it for way less than you think at wayfair. Head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W A y f a r.com

[Casey]

Wayfair Every style, every home so I

[Kirk Martin]

bet your family is like ours.

[Casey]

During summer life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook.

[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

Delicious meal.

[Kirk Martin]

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[Casey]

relatives are going to whisper behind your back no matter what you do. So you may as well do what works for your family. Trust your instincts. Moms and dads. You know your child and your kids best. You know your family family best. Do what works for you. Plan time away from extended family. You have strong will. Kids who are not going to be on a normal sleep schedule, so they're going to be tired, they're going to be eating junk food all day, they're going to be overstimulated by older cousins and all the noise and chaos. So it's overwhelming and you know that leads to big meltdowns and tantrums right in front of old school grandparents and your brother and sister in law who have perfect children. So plan alone time. Go your own way for a few hours. Especially right in the middle of the week after a few days when everybody's getting on each other's nerves, hey, I'm going to run to the grocery store. Anybody need anything? And then come back like four hours later after letting your kids play at a local park or sit and read or just have a quiet lunch with you somewhere fun. This has always been my go to because everybody always needs something from the grocery store. It gives me an opportunity to be helpful but also escape for a little while. By the way dads, this doesn't mean you go alone for four hours. Take one of the kids. I know all these tricks. So if you're at the beach, go for a long walk. If you have an ecologically minded kid, take trash bags and walk down the beach picking up trash. Well, but my parents paid for this vacation and I feel obligated to spend every minute together. Well, you're just going to have to grow up and break that pattern. And I know this is really hard. They don't get to use guilt and manipulation on you unless you allow it. And I know you've probably experienced this since you were a little kid, but you have to break free of that for yourself, for your spouse, for your kids, and also for your parents. They're grown adults and if they pay so they can control you, then I would pay your own way or just have that tough talk. I did that with my dad. This was exactly what my dad did and it ruined it. So I eventually just said we're paying

[Kirk Martin]

for our own way.

[Casey]

You can Be honest and open with family. Look, my kids are tired and overstimulated. So am I. So we're going to go out for a couple hours to decompress. Anybody need anything while we're out? See you later this afternoon. That's just honesty. And then that gives the rest of the family time to talk behind your back. But at least you don't have to hear it. So this is what we did one year and it threw everybody into turmoil. We were having a great day at the beach. It was perfect. Sunshine, everybody. Everybody was beginning to pack up later in the afternoon and head up to get ready for dinner. And I said, it is so relaxing. The weather's perfect. The kids are having such a good time. We're going to stay at the beach for a few more hours and then we'll snack on something later. And everybody said, that's a really great idea. You guys enjoy your time. Yeah, that's not what happened. Everybody started making faces and grumbling and whispering and talking about blah blah, blah. So I said, you guys go have an amazing time. We get one week per year at the beach and we want to take advantage of this. I did not offer for them to stay and eat subs on the beach with us because we wanted the alone time.

[Kirk Martin]

And that way they could all eat

[Casey]

dinner together, feeling superior to us and talking about us freely. And this is really important. When you do this, you will begin to understand what it feels like to be the strong willed child who feels like the black sheep of the family, the one who is misunderstood, which is how your strong willed kids feel like all the time. So do that this year. It's your family time. And you may say, well, what about our extended family? Isn't that rude to change plans? I'm not talking about missing grandpa's 75th birthday dinner. They're all grown adults. Let them manage their own disappointment and judgment. You've been coddling them and walking on eggshells around your family, trying to please them and not make them upset since you were little kid for 20, 30, 40 years. And you may be doing that with your spouse as well. It's time to break that pattern so you can be free, so you can enjoy your life, so you can have self respect inside. That says, I'm a grown woman, I'm a grown man. I know what is best for my family and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop managing the emotions of everybody else. I'm going to stop trying to make everybody else happy in the family, that is not your responsibility. They need to stop using guilt trips on you and manipulating you. They don't respect you and they won't until you stand up for yourself and demonstrate self respect for yourself and your family. Look, saying no to your parents and siblings may be one of the hardest things you ever do. It's going to feel like you're not honoring them like you were taught as a kid. But they use that as manipulation, right? Why don't we put the responsibility on them to be gracious and mature and not manipulate you? Look, I'm getting to that point where I'm going to be that grandpa one day and already have. I have a grown. We have a grown son who is married and so I'm the father in law now. And we tread very lightly and we make sure that we honor them because they're a young married couple. We're the grown ones who are mature adults. So it's not like, when are you going to spend time with us? Why can't we do no, that's just petty. And your parents and other people are acting like big babies. So we. I want you to feel comfortable, but you won't feel comfortable. I want you to feel uncomfortable, actually. But I want you to do this because if you do, you will have done the right thing for your family. You have modeled for your kids how to have courage to graciously and stand up for yourself and put on good boundaries. And you will remember that day and evening on the beach for years like we do now. If you struggle with this, if you have our programs, go through the mom's program, the dad's program, and the Calm Couples program. Because we go through this in great detail simply because it's so important. Okay, here's another one. If your kids need a certain diet that works best for them, bring your own food. If you have little kids who don't sit well at the table or you have picky eaters, let them eat early and play while you're all enjoying your adult time at the table. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Don't give in to peer pressure. Be ruthless and trusting your instincts and knowing what works for your kids and your family. And when you have those conflicting feelings inside of you between, oh, I know what my instincts are, but I've got guilt or pressure from relatives. Trust your gut instincts and do that now. There are times you have to read the moment. And there were times where I'd made a rule or a decision about something with Casey, but I Knew he was tired or hungry or not in a good emotional place. But I didn't want to back down because then I would appear like a wuss in front of my brothers and parents. And then they'd say, see? You let that kid get away with too much. If you would just lay down the law. He wouldn't act up like this. And when Casey was little, before I developed some courage and wisdom, I'd give in to the peer pressure and the situation would predictably escalate in front of everyone. But then I grew up a bit and I learned to read the moment. There are times to be tough. There are times to draw a lamp line in the sand and not give an inch. When you're relaxed and calm and patient, when your child isn't overwhelmed or over tired. And then there are times when you read the moment and say, this is not the time to fall on my sword. I'm exhausted. My child is tired. So I'm going to use wisdom. And we used to have a secret code word or signal as parents planned ahead of time. So look, when you get in these tricky moments and everybody's looking at you, you can look over to your spouse for reassurance and have an exit strategy planned. Oh, honey, I just remembered. I could really use some help upstairs fixing something, opening something. Help me make the bed. Could you come upstairs and help me? See, it gives you an exit. Now you can go talk in private. There are times when you just need to get through the day, through the night, to live to play another day when everybody is more fresh. Okay, so how do we talk to family? Look, you don't owe anyone an explanation. The onus is on others to be gracious and supportive, not judgmental and unsupportive. You could be straightforward and say, hey, I know our parenting looks different than what you guys did. I try to take what you did really well and also blend it with what works best with our strong willed child. And I know you have all repeatedly said, hey, we just need to give them consequences. But we've done that the right way, and our kids just simply don't care. And if they object to that, you can be snarky and combative if you wish. And I know some of you, you will be. Some of you are like that. Being calm doesn't mean you're a doormat. And you don't have to be on the defensive. All right, extended family. If you want our family to be about correcting each other's behavior, I'm all in. Because you all don't respond to consequences. Mom, dad, you eat unhealthy food, you're overweight, even though there are dire consequences for that. Uncle Frank drinks too much and Aunt Sally is so judgmental, it's made her age. Now, some of these are just fun conversations to have in your head or with your spouse to blow off steam. What I would really focus on is something constructive. I know you guys love your grandkids, your nephew, your niece. If you really want to help us, here are concrete ways you can do that. Number one, your grandchild is really bright, but struggles in school, and everyone only talks about school. But your grandchild is amazing at seeing in three dimensions, building really cool things, seeing patterns, creating, drawing, writing their own music, building robots, understanding black holes and electromagnetic currents, whatever it is. Could you begin asking your grandchild, your nephew Denise, about things they're curious about? Grandpa, you're really into X. Why not ask your grandson or granddaughter to come help you build or fix that? Because I'd really like you to see them shine doing what they love instead of just pointing out the things they aren't good at. Number two, we could all use your wisdom. You guys have lived rich, long lives. Surely you have met some wildly successful adults and entrepreneurs who share the same traits as your grandchildren. So tell them stories about these interesting people and how they use their curiosity, their willingness to take risks. They were big dreamers. They were creators. Tell them stories about how that made them wildly successful. Now, this is another snarky one, but when the family brings up school and grades, if your child doesn't excel in that area, you can redirect conversation to the robot your child built or someone they helped with their big heart. If you want to be snarky when your relatives brag about their perfect child and bring up school to rub it in, you could say, oh, how quaint that your child is able to sit still all day and follow people's arbitrary rules. Our son built a working robot, but memorizing rote facts is pretty special too. Now, you don't have to say that, but it's fun to imagine at times, and it does give you perspective of what you really are about. 3. Instead of trying to fix them, I'd want your family to understand your kids and what makes them tick, what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are. So guys, if you really want to help, listen to these two specific episodes of this podcast. It doesn't have to be mine, it's just one you like. But it should be mine.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm kidding.

[Casey]

This guy explains what's going on in their brains really well. I think you'll find it interesting and then share a couple episodes of your favorite podcast that you found helpful. Ask your strong willed child to help the grandparents load the podcast app on their phones. If you have our programs, simply email us with your relative's email address and we'll send them access to all the programs via the app. And that way they can listen alongside you on their own, but they'll be on the same page where you can say mom, dad, you're always asking how you can help. Could you buy us this guy's programs? They're on a huge summer sale and it's way cheaper than therapy and then everybody in the family can listen. 4 what I want to focus on most is the connection part. You guys only have so many years left and I'd love for our kids to have amazing memories of their time with you. Not feeling like grandma and grandpa never really liked them and we're always correcting them. We'll do the correcting, you do the enjoying with them. Enjoying them and building them up. Give grandparents and others specific ways they can engage with your child's gifts, talents and passions. Giving your child missions so that your kids shine. Because maybe one of your kids likes to cook and he helps Uncle Frank barbecue on the grill one night. Put your kids in a position to do those adult type jobs where they shine. Okay, so now replay this podcast episode out loud for everyone in your family to hear. What I really want is for you to to be confident and courageous and do what is right for your family. Okay? Love you all. Proud of you for breaking these generational patterns. You are creating a new family tree and that is an amazing gift to your kids. Okay, Enjoy your vacation as much as you can. Talk to you later.

[Kirk Martin]

Bye bye.