Triggered By Messes? An Odd Way to Get Your Kids to Listen More

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary

Episode Title: Triggered By Messes? An Odd Way to Get Your Kids to Listen More
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: June 4, 2023

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Introduction to the Episode

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin addresses a common parenting frustration: dealing with messy children. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children facing various behavioral challenges, Kirk offers practical strategies to transform triggers—like a child’s messy habits—into opportunities for bonding and building stronger relationships.

Understanding and Managing Triggers

Kirk begins by acknowledging the various triggers parents face, such as constant fighting, whining, arguing, and, notably, the messes children create. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing these triggers to prevent them from undermining the parent-child relationship.

Notable Quote:

Kirk Martin [01:21]: "Do your kids do that triggers you? What irritates you the most? Is it the constant fighting? Whining? Arguing? Is it them talking back? Maybe the big messes that they make?"

Embracing the Mess: A Shift in Perspective

Kirk introduces the concept of "intense validation," where parents first acknowledge their frustration before shifting their perspective. Instead of viewing messes solely as nuisances, he encourages parents to see them as manifestations of their children's creativity and energy.

Notable Quote:

Kirk Martin [02:15]: "If I were you, I'd be irritated too. I would mess. I don't like messes. I'm kind of a type A guy. I like a lot of order and structure. I like things to be just so. That's deep within me. So I get that."

Practical Strategies for Turning Triggers into Bonding Moments

Kirk provides actionable steps for parents to transform stressful situations into positive interactions:

1. Change Your Perspective:
   View the mess as a sign of creativity and imagination rather than chaos.

   Quote:

   Kirk Martin [03:50]: "See, perspective sometimes is really helpful. It's like when I'm doing phone consultations or helping families with like a middle schooler... perspective is really important to step back and think."

2. Engage with Your Children:
   Instead of reacting negatively, parents can sit down and watch their children play, asking curious questions about their creations.

   Quote:

   Kirk Martin [05:30]: "Sit down, watch them building their forts, grab a drink, your choice. Grab a book you haven't been able to read for years, since you had kids. So sit down, grab a book, put your feet up and watch them and enjoy it."

3. Set Boundaries While Encouraging Creativity:
   Allow children to create in designated areas and set limits to prevent messes from spreading uncontrollably.

   Quote:

   Kirk Martin [15:00]: "You could require that they pick up at the fort at the end of the day or else you will destroy any new forts they ever make. You do it in a nicer way, but you have the right to put those limits on them if you want."

4. Build Respect Through Relationships:
   Focus on creating a relationship based on respect and trust rather than authority and control.

   Quote:

   Kirk Martin [24:10]: "I want to do things because I buy into this vision of what we're doing. And I love doing things for people that I respect and that I trust."

Addressing Parental Anxiety and Control Issues

Kirk delves into the root causes of why messes trigger parents, often tied to their own anxieties and control issues. He encourages self-reflection to understand these triggers and work towards managing them independently of their children’s actions.

Notable Quote:

Kirk Martin [08:42]: "Is this something from your childhood? Is this something, it's like, oh, I just, I have so much creativity in my head. I don't like things to be disorderly on the outside or I feel guilty if there's a mess in the house because I feel like my job as a parent is to always have things picked up so that I can live in this clean, neat, orderly house where I can have it."

Changing Expectations and Perspectives

Kirk emphasizes the importance of adjusting expectations for both parents and children. Accepting that a certain level of messiness is natural with young children can alleviate unnecessary stress and foster a more relaxed household environment.

Notable Quote:

Kirk Martin [19:38]: "If you've got young little kids, your home is not supposed to be spotless. It's not. Let's go for tidy, organized messes, perhaps, but not pristine."

Building Respectful Relationships with Children

The ultimate goal, according to Kirk, is to cultivate a deep sense of respect and trust between parents and children. This foundation ensures that children listen and respond out of respect rather than fear of punishment.

Notable Quote:

Kirk Martin [23:38]: "The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Lead your child, lead them in this. Right. You're teaching lifelong skills."

Actionable Steps and Conclusion

Kirk concludes the episode by encouraging parents to actively choose a situation that typically irritates them and apply the strategies discussed to turn it into a bonding opportunity. He reiterates the importance of self-improvement, reducing anxiety, and fostering respectful relationships to create a harmonious family environment.

Final Quote:

Kirk Martin [20:58]: "This week, moms and dads choose one situation that usually irritates you. Be patient. Be creative. And I bet you can turn that into a bonding routine. Take what usually separates you and let that bring you closer to your child."

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Key Takeaways

• Recognize and Validate Triggers: Understand what specifically irritates you and validate those feelings before addressing them.
• Shift Your Perspective: View messes as opportunities for your child's creativity and engagement rather than chaos.
• Engage and Bond: Use moments of potential conflict to connect with your children through curiosity and participation.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Allow creativity within limits to maintain order without stifling imagination.
• Self-Reflection: Identify and work on your own anxieties and control issues to improve your parenting approach.
• Build Respect-Based Relationships: Foster connections based on trust and respect to encourage positive behavior naturally.

By implementing these strategies, parents can transform everyday frustrations into meaningful interactions, leading to a more peaceful and joyful family life.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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[Listener]

What.

[Kirk Martin]

Do your kids do that triggers you? What irritates you the most? Is it the constant fighting? Whining? Arguing? Is it them talking back? Maybe the big messes that they make?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

That's a good one. So let's jump into this today because I want to show you how to use those very triggers that usually irritate you in order to actually bond with your kids and be free from your triggers.

[Sponsor]

So that's what we're going to discuss.

[Kirk Martin]

On today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help with anything, reach out to our formerly messy child, Casey C A S e [e-mail] Tell us about your family, ages of kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply back to you personally and usually very quickly because that's our goal. To help you, to free you, to make this parenting journey, especially with strong willed kids, is so hard. We want to make it easier. We want you to actually enjoy your kids again because you stopped enjoying them along the way. Partly because you have a lot of triggers, you've got a lot of anxiety and many of you have control issues. And as soon as you work on those things, it's amazing how your kids change and that's what we do. So if you want to do that, by the way, go to the website celebratecallen.com and you will find either the Get Everything package. It's my favorite one because it has everything that we've ever created, including the special NO BS program. And that's kind of what I'm highlighting some principles today from the NO BS program in this of how to turn things that irritate you into bonding moments. It is a really cool part of the process. So this podcast was inspired by a great mom who wrote in and said this. Hey, I've been triggered lately by messes, right? All my kids want to do is drag everything in the house into a pile. Bins, blankets, toys, books, couch cushions, everything they can into a giant messy pile. And it sets me off. Now my kids are calling these things forts. They're doing it in closets, in the living room, in the basement, everywhere. Mom asks, are they just being kids? What do I do about this? So my reply is this. I totally get why this would bug you. Look, let me practice what we'd speak about. Intense validation. If I were you, I'd be irritated too. I would mess. I don't like messes. I'm kind of a type A guy. I like a lot of order and structure. I like things to be just so. That's deep within side me. So I get that. That said, Mom, I would embrace it. A few thoughts for you. 1. Imagine the opposite. Imagine that your little kids have their heads in screens all day. You would be doing everything you could to coax them to play and create and build. Guys, why don't you get creative and build a fort? You'd be doing that all day long and then you'd be ecstatic. You'd be thrilled that they stopped playing on their screens and were actually being inventive and creative. See, perspective sometimes is really helpful. It's like when I'm doing phone consultations or helping families with like a middle schooler, right? You've got an eighth grade boy. If his biggest issue is that he's cutting up in class and trying to make other classmates laugh because he wants to be funny and wants to be liked. Like, perspective wise, like, he's not cutting himself, he's not doing awful things, he's not getting in a lot of trouble, right? It's perspective is really important to step back and think, okay, my kids are making a mess. Okay? I kind of live with that. Yeah, your kids are being kids. That's what they're supposed to do. Moms and dads, please relax a little bit. Part of what we endeavor to do is take. Is not make this harder on you, right? It's actually to do less, to worry less, and not worry so much because you're like a 38 year old, responsible, respectful person. You're expecting your little kids or your teenagers to be just like you at your age. It's not how it works. Right, I know, but I've got to do everything I can to make sure that they're responsible and respectful young citizens of this republic. Right? Like, I get that. But sometimes you have to relax a little bit and realize they're just doing what kids do. And if you were lucky, it's what you did as a kid too, right? So my gut reaction says this, sit down, watch them building their forts, grab a drink, your choice. Grab a book you haven't been able to read for years, since you had kids. So sit down, grab a book, put your feet up and watch them and enjoy it. Your kids are playing. Well, they're playing by themselves without requiring you to be there. Mommy, daddy, help us. Make the four. Talk to me all day long. Listen to everything that I say. They're entertaining themselves. They're not hurting anyone or anything except your issues, right? They're just bringing to surface the fact that you need everything to be just so. And you could be grateful for that, that you get to break yourself from this, right? From that, from that trigger, right? This is a dream for modern day parents. Two kids playing well together. And the worst thing, it's creating a mess. And while you're sitting, you can ask them questions. Hey guys, I'm curious why you use that for the top of the fort, right? Let quiz them, be curious about why they're making the decisions not to put them on the right. Dads, moms, don't do this. You know what? If I were you, I would use this instead. No, just be curious, why'd you use that? Mom, we use that one because. And then you get to listen and learn. Hey, do you guys think you could make it even bigger without having it cave in? You're engaging with them, right? You can encourage them. Guys, this is so creative. This is awesome. You guys are using your imagination. You are using as many different things as possible to create this fort. You're such good builders. That's awesome, right? Just think you're changing the narrative in your brain from my kids are just making big messes to man, my kids are being imaginative, using their creativity, right? You could simply enjoy them being kids, right? Take Pictures and send them to the grandparents. Send a text to the grandparents with a note, hey, look what your grandkids did today. Because now, right now the grandparents get to see what the kids are doing. You're sharing something positive, right? Instead of them destroying the house or just making a mess. My challenge to you is this. At the end of the day, just sit amidst the mess. And I mean this. Sit with it, look at it. Let's work on that trigger that you have so you can be free from it bugging you and ruining your mood for the rest of your life. So I'm serious, in the evening, kids are finally in bed, right? You accomplish that, sit and look at that pile of stuff, process it and just say, yeah, that bugs me. And then go deeper. Why does it bug you so much?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Is this something from your childhood?

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Is this something, it's like, oh, I just, I have so much creativity in my head. I don't like things to be disorderly on the outside or I feel guilty if there's a mess in the house because I feel like my job as a parent is to always have things picked up so that I can live in this clean, neat, orderly house where I can have it. And I feel guilty if there's ever a mess, right? Some of you that dry and that'll drive you. I don't want to be driven in life by things inside of me that cause me to lose peace. That's not a good way to live. Maybe some of you are married to someone who can't handle the mess. Is that it? Now? What are you doing now you've got to manage the kids behavior. Kids, pick it up, pick it up. Because I'm just going to use me as the example because dad's coming home and dad can't handle it when there's a mess on, on the floor. And if you leave Legos on the floor, dad's going to get triggered and he's going to start yelling. And I don't want that to happen. So watch how this happens. See this then isn't even really a kid issue. It's an issue in your marriage and it's an issue in you communicating with your spouse saying, look, I can't walk around managing the kids behavior all day just because you, the man, the woman, whatever I married can't handle this. When you can handle everything that goes wrong at work, but you walk into the home as a 40 year old man or woman and you can't even handle this. We got to have a talk about that because I don't want to live like that. And I don't want my life and my family life to devolve into putting out fires all day. And now I've got adrenal fatigue, right? Because someone can't handle that little kids made a mess, right? And this would be the hard part of this. But it's like, well, you got to, why did you have kids? What was your expectation, right? You guys were going to pop out a couple kids and they're going to listen to everything you said and they're going to be perfect, and then all the teachers are going to love them and the grandparents will be like, you're such good parents. You did a better job than us. Our grandchildren are awesome. Is that what you were expecting, right? That everything was going to flow smoothly? No. You had kids. It's difficult. You have a strong willed child. That's why you're listening to our podcast. They're very difficult to raise. But you know what else they do? The beautiful part is they bring out all these things in you so that you can grow up, be the grown up, and be mature. And instead of trying to fix your kids and change your kids and change everybody else in your life, you can work on yourself. I will tell you, it is so liberating if you will just embrace this and stop making it about everybody else and just, look, there's no blame. I don't want you to blame yourself. Oh, I'm so dysfunctional. We all are, right? Instead, the proper thing is, hey, I've got this trigger inside of me that compels me to do things and try to control other people, and that's not healthy because then I frustrate them and I live frustrated myself and I'd like to be free from that. See, that's a healthy thing to do. And now you can thank your kids. Thank you for bringing up that trigger so I could see some more stuff to work on in myself. I don't blame myself for my triggers and what I have. It's just a reality that I have them. And now I can attack it with the same energy that I try to control everyone else and everything in my life. Instead, I'm going to work on freeing myself from these triggers. And so while you're sitting there in the evening and you're looking at this mess and inside it is bugging you, and that's okay that it bugs you, it should bug you. It's a mess. It's disorder. You don't like it, but instead of seeing this mess and disorder and something that needs to be picked up and made. Neat. See this as a monument to your kids creativity. See it as an expression of simple childhood joy. Two kids were having a good time and they made this thing. Is it a real fort? No. It's a disaster. It's awful. I get it. That's my Long island accent, right? Get your daughter to stop making a disaster in the fort. Right? But it's something you will miss, I promise you. When they get older, you're going to miss it. And you're going to. You're going to. Right? When they lose this childlike desire to make forts, hold on to that. Encourage it. Cherish it for what it is right now.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

You want to go a step further tonight? Make your own fort with your husband and just lie down in it. Let your kids show you how to play again, how to have fun and not just be productive and responsible all the time. Right? And then maybe on Friday nights, all of you crawl into this fort. Maybe you have a snack in there, maybe you laugh and giggle again as a family and enjoy it and embrace it. Do that. I promise you won't regret it. Now that said, you can put some limits on this. Hey guys, you can only build forts in X rooms. These two rooms, forts are okay, but no forts ever in these rooms. Fine. Just do it in a business like manner. You could require that they pick up at the fort the fort at the end of the day or else you will destroy any new forts they ever make.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

You do it in a nicer way, but you have the right to do put those limits on them if you want. I'm perfectly fine with that. I still suggest that you allow them to do the forts and I'd rather use this as a time to build to work on your triggers right now I know many of you are thinking this. Wait. If you allow your kids to be messy when they grow up, they're going to be slobs and get rejected by society and I'll be embarrassed for them. And my blunt answer to that is it's not true. It's not true. And here's why. If you leave messes everywhere and you have piles of junk all over your kitchen table in your living room, then yes, your kids will inherit that as part of their environmental DNA that they grew up with and they will possibly replicate what you have done. Now they may go the opposite way and say, oh, I grew up in this home where there is no order at all. And and so I'm going to be completely orderly. But if you're objecting to this, that's not you. Right? If you're objecting to these messes, you already have a neat or tidy or meticulously orderly home. And when your kids grow up, they will replicate that same thing with eating. If you Grow up and you eat fairly healthy and you keep healthy things in the house. When your kids get older and they're motivated, they care about, they'll do what you do. They're just not going to be like this on your timeline. And when they're kids underline that your kids, especially strong will. Kids need to come to it on their own. They're not going to do it on your arbitrary timeline just to make you feel comfortable. They're not. But if you grow up and you live in a home that's orderly, they're going to grow up and be the same way. How do I know that? Well, one, we've worked with almost a million families, so I learned from them. And our own son, Casey, didn't clean his room or bathroom as a kid at all. In fact, sometimes it was just gross. Seriously.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Which is why bedrooms have doors. But if you were to visit Casey and you were to go to his home now, a home that he owns, you will find it is very clean, very organized. In fact, if you go to Casey's home, he will require you to take off your shoes when you enter his house so you don't track mud and dirt and snow through his house. Why? Because it's his house. He owns it. He has ownership of that. And he's a grown adult. And he also doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his fiance. So, look, he does all kinds of things now that he didn't care about when he was a kid. That is simply a matter of your anxiety. Look, this is probably three things. One, it's your own trigger. It's your own control issues. If you need things to be just so, work on that. It's your own anxiety. Moms and dads, work on your own anxiety. You're projecting into the future as if your kids are going to be at 25 and 35 and 45, what they are at 5 and 8 and 12 and 15. So control your own anxiety first or you will create endless power struggles, and that's only over your own anxiety. Work on that. Work on your control issues so you can be from this stuff. So let's kind of wind this down. I'll give you a few tips, more tips here. One, change your expectations of yourself and your kids.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

If you've got young little kids, your home is not supposed to be spotless. It's not. Let's go for tidy, organized messes, perhaps, but not pristine. You have little kids, right? Moms out there. If you've got three kids under the age of five or under the age of eight. Your home is supposed to be messy, and if your spouse can't handle that, then you need to have a talk with him because you shouldn't be laboring under some kind of. And likewise. Right. If it's a dad in a home and you keep things tidy and your spouse can't deal with things and she can't chill, then that's her issue, too. And you guys need to have an honest talk about that. But I'd like you to have more fun and less trying so hard. Stop trying so hard to be the perfect parents and have the perfect home like you think everybody else does. They don't. I talk to your neighbors, too. Their life is a mess. Chill a little bit. Relax. Change the narrative in your head.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because right now my kids are so messy. They never pick things up to know. My kids are really creative and they have a great imagination. They'd love to play. And that's what I want them to do. Be thankful that you get to learn from this, that you get to learn what your triggers are and then be free from them. Go through that 30 days to calm program we have.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Because we work through your triggers. Do you know how nice it is to not be triggered by other people, by situations? It is really freeing inside. And then it frees you to give out and look outward and enjoy people rather than always focus on the things that I'm irritated in. And here's the big one. I want you to turn your triggers into bonding moments. This week, moms and dads choose one situation that usually irritates you. Be patient. Be creative. And I bet you can turn that into a bonding routine. Take what usually separates you and let that bring you closer to your child. Enter into the things that irritate you. Because the goal isn't just to get your kids to behave. It's to build a relationship so that they follow you out of a deep sense of respect and trust. See, I don't want my kids following me because I'm the authority figure and I get to punish you and take things away. That's not what you really want. You want a relationship so they follow you. Look, I can promise you, mom, with this issue, if you can embrace those forts and you can sit there night after night and look at that thing and maybe you hang some things on top of it, make it like a Christmas tree, and you embrace that and you love that. When they come downstairs in the morning and you say, guys, I was just admiring last night, the fort and how ingenious and creative you were. And how many different materials you used in that. You know what I'm thinking? We throw away a lot of trash. I bet we could learn to recycle some items and actually make them into something we can sell. Would you guys be up for that? And I guarantee you young kids and some of your teenagers that like and love money and want to be an entrepreneur, if they could take things, old shoes or even new shoes and dress them up and put little cool things on them, resell them. Look, if you could do that, now you're embracing it. You're entering into it, and now you create something that you do with your kids. See, that's another good one. Okay, so I don't want forts made with all kinds of stuff all over my house. But what I'm seeing is my kids like to take disparate items and make them into something creative. Okay? So let me channel that energy and give them an idea of, hey, why don't we do this? And we could make things that we give to, that we take down to the senior citizen home retirement center, and we make things for some seniors that are lonely. Or maybe we make things. Maybe we make bags of things that we take and we give out at the homeless shelter. Or maybe we.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

Or maybe there's an elderly couple down the street and we can make some things and do stuff for them. See, we take what separates you. We use it to bring closer to your child. We build a relationship. When the kids come downstairs in the morning, you've got a relationship and they're following you. And I promise you, when you start to engage like this, you. Your kids will listen to you more. When you ask them or tell them to do things, they will do it. Why? Because you've built that relationship. Right? That's why we all want to do things.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I don't want to go to work just because I get a paycheck from a boss that I hate.

[Listener]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

I want to do things because I buy into this vision of what we're doing. And I love doing things for people that I respect and that I trust. Quick note. For those of you who are Christian or Jewish, Muslim, religious families, why is it that you want to do these things? Right? Well, I just love my neighbor because I was told to. Well, that's not the great motivation, right? You love other people because you were loved first. Right? You listen and trust the God that you follow because you have a relationship with that God, not because he's going to get angry and do things to you.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

And if that's the motivation, then I would start reworking how you view that authority figure. Because I don't want to be that authority figure.

[Listener]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

I know it sounds kind of fun to be the dictator. I walk in and people just do what I say. But you don't have a relationship. Right. And now I can tell you with our son, who is an older, he's a young man now. Right. What I love most is when I tell him something that I need or I want or want done, done that he does it not just because I'm going to get angry if he doesn't do it, but because he respects me. Right. So remember, the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Lead your child, lead them in this. Right. You're teaching lifelong skills. So this week you've got your mission. We're going to choose a situation that irritates you and we're going to work on it. If you need help with this, I would go through the get everything package because it's got everything you need. If you want to boil it down, the no BS program on our website, we'll go through this. It's one of the 25 action steps and they're very, very practical, very good for rebuilding your relationship with your strong willed child. If we can help you, email us, reach out to us.

[Sponsor]

Love you all.

[Kirk Martin]

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being open to doing things in a different way because that's what we want. You're awesome parents. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.