← Calm Parenting Podcast
Loading summary
Transcript7 lines
- [00:00]
A
So I have an idea to keep your kids brains active and learning while still enjoying the relaxed summer vibe. Use IXL's award winning learning platform to build your child's confidence this summer. So choose one topic your kids are curious about and one in which they struggle. And over the summer you can let your kids play the interactive games IXL uses to learn new facts and concepts without the pressure of the normal school year. So whether your child is reviewing third grade math or jumping into sixth grade reading, IXL meets them where they are and lets them move at their own pace. Plus, IXL instantly grades their work and explains mistakes so you don't have to because our kids don't like being corrected by us. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.comkirk so visit ixl.comkirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. You already know what I want for Father's Day Cozy Earth I sleep under my Cozy Earth bamboo sheets. I live in my bamboo shorts and polo and pullovers. But my latest obsession is the Cozy Earth Everywhere Pant. Now you can wear these insanely soft and breathable Cozy Earth Everywhere pants to the office, to the kids games to just lounge around in. Just look at the reviews@cozyearth.com Men rarely rave about clothes, but they rave about these Everywhere pants and request several pairs. They're stylish, they've got a light stretch, barely any wrinkles. Cozy Earth is the can't miss gift for dads, stepdads and grandpas who show up every day. Everywhere Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets, Everywhere Pant and everyday polo are designed to keep him cool, comfortable and relaxed all summer. Go to cozyearth.com use my code CALM for an exclusive 20% off. That's code CALM cozyearth.com for 20% off and let cozy Earth know we sent you. One reason summer is tough for our families is because you're out of your routine and your schedule is so different with camps and trips and sleepovers during the week. Let Skylight Calendar give you peace of mind and structure to that your kids thrive on. Skylight Calendars Sync seamlessly with all your calendars so you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place with different colors for each family member and that's super helpful for our visual learners. That means less stress, no more worrying about forgetting something important. Try it for four months through the summer. If you're not 100% thrilled, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Families are better when they're working together. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting so go to myskylight.com parenting for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's my S K Y L I G-T.com parenting meltdowns are going to happen and you need a quick fix guide this summer. So so this episode is it. Plus, I'm going to give you practical tips to help your sensory kids on today's very action packed episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin Special Shout out to Alex, 12 year old. He listens to the podcast. He had his mom email us this My son wants to know why you don't have a coupon code for your programs. Because he said his cheapskate dad won't buy these unless there's a discount. And I love that. That sounds like something Casey would have. And we've never done a coupon code. So I asked him, all right Alex, how much should we do? And he said 25% off. So I'm doing this for Alex and his cheapskate dad. So type in dad and you'll get an additional 25% off the Calm Parenting Bundle summer sales price@celebratecolm.com now, if I know our kids correctly, Alex will send me a message and want the coupon code to be cheapskate. But I'm in solidarity with the dads out there and prefer the word for frugal. So we had 1500 strong willed kids just like Alex, kids on the spectrum, kids with pda, neurodivergent kids in our home over the course of a decade. So we had plenty of time to practice what to do and what not to do when they got angry, frustrated and upset. So meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They just are. And I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting, it's just going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless. But it doesn't have to be this way. So let's go through 10 practical ways to stop the emotional fireworks. Number one, do not react. If you react to your child, you have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons and that creates a lot of instability because they're not supposed to Be in control. And if you react by getting upset yourself, you're actually pouring fuel on the fire. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message to your kids. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can help you see that will build trust in all men. I know we want respect. And your kids will respect you. When you. When they know, oh, when, when things aren't going so well for me and I'm overreacting. Well, my dad doesn't, my mom doesn't. See, that will begin to take away a lot of that negative intensity, chaos and tension in your home when you just stop putting out that fire. When you stop reacting and put out that fire. Number two, you've heard me say this. Do not give eye contact. I know other people advise you to get down, look your kids in the eyes and. And reassure them that everything's going to be okay. But that usually backfires with our intense kids. See, when kids get upset, what happens? They'll throw things, they'll say disrespectful things. They immediately know that's wrong, and they get embarrassed. And that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes, reinforcing the shame. And that inflames the situation more. It makes them defensive. They often blame, make excuses. So nobody wants to be looked at when they're struggling, whether they're 4 or 44. And that really sweet, reassuring tone sounds patronizing and like you don't know how to help your intense child. Instead, you know our phrase, motion changes emotion. Hey, I can tell you're frustrated. If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside. Play catch. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Hey, if you want to dump the Legos on the floor, I'll help you build a spaceship. Better yet, you go dump the Legos out, sit on the living room floor. Just start building. You will invite your kids to be with you, and you're not staring at them while you're building together. One of my favorites, especially as kids get older. Hey, you know, I forgot something in the store. If you want to meet me in the car in three minutes, we'll drive up there and grab a snack on the way back because Casey was always hungry and it was a great bonding tool. Walking, driving next to each other, building with something, coloring. You're present with your child. You haven't sent them away from you. Go to your room. You're present with them. But you're not staring at them. I save my eye contact for when kids make good choices. And then I pair it with short, affirming statements of fact. Otherwise, you're strong willed. Especially your PDA kids will reject your praise. Hey, I like how you handle that situation. Shows me you're growing up. Little fist bump. Hey, notice you walked away instead of hitting when your brother was provoking you. That's really hard to do. Simple statement of fact number three. Do not try to reason with your child when you say, use your words. Honey, your strong willed kids are going to use some words that are really inappropriate. Like, you don't actually want me to use my words right now. It's fruitless. It's also frightful, frustrating for your child because you cannot process language when you're upset. But we also don't want to dismiss their concerns because nobody likes it when your spouse says, oh, it's no big deal. There's no reason to be upset. You're just overreacting. Right? We don't like that. That's why I validate with intensity. Oh, man. Of course you're frustrated, man. If I were you, man, I'd be upset, too. I'd be disappointed. I know some of you do timeouts and, and there's nothing wrong with timeouts except that they usually don't work right. Like, good luck trying to make a strong willed child just sit in a chair. Because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes kids more angry. Schools use this all the time, and I hate it. Well, student, let's fill out this think sheet and you can think through why you made that choice. And the child's going to get more angry because you really can't just think through being calm. They mainly just get more angry. Number four, do not talk a lot. Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more angry your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered, the anxiety and uncertainty in your voice actually makes the situation more unstable. And it feels like you're just piling on. I used to do that all the time with Casey. And he'd be like, dad, I. I get it. I've got it. Can you please just stop? And I remember thinking, well, if you had got it, you wouldn't keep doing this. And it was this big battle until I finally learned. Just shut up. Right? And I'm not saying that you. I was saying ym, but I was trying to couch that. And I said that to myself and it just worked so much better. I'm also Not a big fan of saying, well, let's identify your emotions or. Or do you want to talk about your emotions? And here's what your kids are thinking. I already know what my emotions are. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed. Why don't you know that? What I really need is someone, preferably my parents, who presumably have encountered this kind of situations dozens of times in their own lives. What I need is that adult to teach me what to do with those emotions, not just talk about them. But I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed. How do I handle that? Endless talking doesn't help. Showing them does. Modeling does. If you go through the 30 days to calm program, you'll notice the workbook contains opportunities for reflection. But it primarily consists of taking action steps. Because you're practicing new responses, you're actually practicing new behavior. Number five, do not give consequences while your child is upset. Now, you know we're not huge fans of consequences. You have to give them to set boundaries, but they're not really effective at changing behavior. But before you discipline, you have to de escalate. Because other times we go, a lot of times we go right to, well, if we don't, if you don't stop this meltdown right now, you're going to lose your playdate, your driver's license, your video games. Well, now they're going to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing, something that disappointed them, a change in plans. Well, now you've taken away things that they want, but what's left? I may as well burn it to the ground. And that's why, like leading your child to a calm place. I lead them to that. I don't say you need to calm down. See, once they're calm and I'm calm, well, now we're rational. Now we can discipline. But you know what's even better than consequences? Teaching your child how to handle frustration and disappointment and their anxiety better next time. I'd rather do a lot of proactive teaching because that's what discipline means, right? Means to teach than just saying, hey, you better stop that or else. And I've done so many podcasts on showing kids how to handle their disappointment, frustration, their anxiety. Number six, we just mentioned this. Lead your child to calm, sit down, lie down, do something goofy. Always use an even non emotional tone that says, hey, everything's okay. I'm in control of myself. I've got this under control. I've seen this before. Your world's out of control. Mine's not. Everybody else is doing drama. This is especially in the middle school and teen years. If you can become that one person in their life who just doesn't do drama and doesn't add drama to their already drama filled life, it is so important and they will just, they will respect you and come to you. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself even though your child isn't. And that's very settling. The sitting down thing, it's simple. I've been doing this for 25 years longer than that now. And everybody says, oh, that's so simplistic. Yeah, you know why? Because it works. I like simple. Every single human being on the planet in any situation can sit down. But it's hard to remember 10 different calming techniques in the moment. I don't always know what to do, but when I sit down, it changes my tone of voice, it changes my perspective and it tends to lead kids to a different place. When we had all those kids at camp in our home and it was often 10 to 15 neurodivergent kids, strong will kids, kids on the spectrum, kids who are adopted, very intense, volatile kids. They were all in our home. Sometimes I just lie down in the middle of the floor and they'd be like, what are you doing? And my response was, well, not reacting to you, but I can tell you're upset. Why don't you lie down and we'll color. I used to color with kids of all ages. Look at you. It is so grounding to get a crayon or a marker or a colored pencil, whatever it is, anything and just start coloring. And so do that with teenagers even. It's really hard to sit and color or draw with a child of any age, including a teenager with attitude and yell at each other. So sit down, use that even matter of fact tone number seven, use intensity and give your child a job to do a mission. You hear this phrase all the time in our audio programs. Motion changes emotion. Movement helps a child process disappointment, frustration. So get them moving and doing a specific physical activity. And you know, I like the intensity, Max. I'd be frustrated too if that happened to me. You know what I like to do when I get frustrated? Then you lead your child in intense physical activity or you give your child a challenge. Hey, but you can't climb that. I bet you can't spread that heavy mulch bag in the garden. So dig three holes in the backyard. Go through your obstacle course. Physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climbing climbers. So climbing a tree or scaling a rock climbing wall can be incredibly calming. The intensity lets the child know you're taking the situation seriously. Now the next one is one we often overlook, but Casey found it invaluable as a kid. So we like saving money and eating healthy. Plus we like delicious meals and less stress. So I did a calculation with Hungryroot last week we went to a local Thai place for dinner with friends. With tip and no drinks, our meal was over $50. It was good, but then I fixed General Tso's chicken with green Beans and Thai Coconut Chicken with Broccolini from Hungryroot at home. Seriously amazing flavors with just three ingredients in a saucepan. No waste, no cutting stuff up. Simple cleanup in seconds. Served in less than 10 minutes with no stress and a fraction of the cost of eating out. Healthy, easy, delicious. You're going to love Hungryroot as much as we do. Go to hungryroot.com calm and use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm code calm to get get 40% off your first box tangaroot.com calm code calm this has been by far our best summer yet since moving here. Why? Because we're spending a lot more time outside with family and friends. We went to Wayfair.com first thing we did, we got party lights to string outside. Why? Because it makes the space festive. It invites us outdoors more. We found this comfy bench with storage underneath, a perfect mix of comfort and convenience. That's one reason we love Wayfair. We can find everything for outdoors and indoors in one place. Plus we always get fast, free, reliable shipping with Wayfair. Let your kids go to wayfair.com and pick out some fun yard games like Cornhole or a giant Jenga that will draw you outside together. Patio season is here, so take advantage of special deals now. Head to Wayfair.comm right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's W-A-Y-F a R.com Wayfair Every style, every Home
- [17:24]
B
this episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.
- [17:46]
A
Number eight actually, let me address this sensory pressure first because this one also gets overlooked. Many of us have kids who are hyposensitive, Their bodies physically crave pressure, and when they don't get it, they feel dysregulated and even irritable. I was actually just on the phone with Casey. He was driving and because of, because of a procedure he had, he can't do big hikes with me right now. And it both physically and mentally really bothers him in a legitimate way. And so we can use this knowledge to our advantage when kids get upset because sensory pressure can be very settling. That's why martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, skiing, shoveling mulch, doing yard work. It's all really good for our kids. And when parents email and say, oh, our child is being more physically aggressive or really touchy with a sibling, one of my go to quick fixes is, hey, let's proactively provide a lot of sensory pressure. I love having an obstacle course in your backyard or your basement, especially for little kids and even older kids when they're upset or just early in the morning, you can hide their food in that obstacle course, make them crawl, go under things, over things, around things, climb, push, pull. All those things will really help. It's also why I don't like telling intense kids, well, just go punch a pillow. It's not satisfying enough to punch feathers. As an aside, this is why some of your kids prefer to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor or in a closet or between the bed and the wall. Let them do it. Pile stuff on them. That sensory pressure feels really good. I would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. Look, hide their breakfast somewhere where they have to forage for it. If you have sensory kids that are younger and they show up at school without getting exercise in the morning, they may rumble with the other kids in the class. And the teacher is going to naturally say, well, your child is being aggressive. Well, that's just what the outward behavior looks like. But they're just seeking sensory pressure by wrestling with other kids. Look, when we were kids, we engaged in constant horseplay. We played a game called kill. The guy with the ball threw a football up in the air, one guy caught it, and then four or five of us would just jump on that guy and tackle him. And then you'd repeat that for hours so that met those sensory needs. But our kids don't get that as much. So in school, I'm going to have them move heavy books, I going to have them do chair pushups. If you go through the ADHD university program, I go through all of this in great detail. Now, some of our kids are hypersensitive, so everything feels more intense to them. Sounds that don't bother you can be extremely overwhelming and even painful to your kids. Just remember, some kids like brushing their hair or teeth sometimes when people ask about them, like, hey, check with the sensory issues. Because sometimes it may even feel painful to them. That's why a lot of kids, they'll get overwhelmed and refuse to go see the upcoming fourth of July fireworks because the sound and light are piercing to them. So always try noise canceling headphones. By all means, keep earplugs with you wherever you go. Now, when we first began doing this, I noticed this pattern. Teachers were telling parents, hey, your child is distracted not paying attention in the afternoon. And parents were mentioning, hey, when my child comes home, it's like they head straight for the bathroom. And so I finally pieced this together, and you know what we found? It was because many of our kids wouldn't use the bathroom for four reasons. In some schools, flushing the toilet sounds like a tornado. It's too loud. The bathroom is where kids often get picked on. And some of our kids feel vulnerable that way. Some kids have anxiety about peeing around other kids. Plus, kids who struggle with fine motor skills may fumble with buttoning or zipping their pants. So guess what they do? They just hold it all afternoon. So guess what? They didn't have focus issues. They just had to pee. So always look underneath the surface, because with our kids, it's often something very small that we're overlooking. Here's another one. Casey was sensitive to smell. He still smells everything. And that's why I like kids doing homework while you're cooking dinner or with a candle with a nice aroma lit. The aroma, like at a coffee shop, stimulates the olfactory senses and helps people focus. When Casey was little, I'd put a little edge shaving gel right under his nose. It stimulated his olfactory senses and it was a familiar scent. Some of your kids are very sensory with foods, and it's going to drive you crazy because they're going to eat the same foods all the time. Just chill with that. Don't create so much drama and tension around eating food. Just model it. And do look up an occupational therapist. They're always positive, helpful people. They're really good with kids. Very practical strategies. Number nine, be the firefighter who can put out emotional fires in your home. Look, a firefighter doesn't show up at the scene of the fire, frustrated yelling and pouring fuel on the fire. Firefighters Have a routine, a plan. Be the firefighter who calmly assesses the situation bravely, stands in the midst of the emotional flames, and puts the fire out. Giving your child a specific mission or job to do that he or she is good at doing is helpful. This will give them a sense of being in control of something, because that's what usually causes meltdowns when we feel like we're not in control. So having them count something, organized, being in charge of a small task, meet those sensory needs. Oh, man, I forgot. I really need help carrying this outside. It's heavy. You think you're strong enough to move this, to carry this, to lift this, to open this for me? Our kids love challenges with older kids. I ask them to do something grown up for you, but because it makes them feel important, competent. That's a big one. Feeling competent, like I can actually do something is very calming because we often say you need to calm down. I don't know how, and apparently you don't know either. But if I can do something and complete a task, whew, that's really helpful. Cooking, mixing ingredients, shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space. All help a child create order in his or her body and brain. So work on that this coming week. Have a predetermined plan and options when your child does get upset. Oh, I forgot we hid X in the backyard. I love that one. I wanted to see if you could find it. Now they have to use their problem solving skills. You know what? The broom in the basement broke. You think you could find some duct tape and fix that for me? Number 10. One of my favorite ideas that Casey came up with was have a code word. That way there's not a lot of talk. When we had all those kids at our house for camps, we had a one word code word. When the sensory seekers got upset, I would say sofa. And their mission was not to calm down. It was to go in the living room, take the cushions off the sofa, and lie on the hard part of the sofa, because that's what they love doing. I would walk in, put the cushions on top of them, and I would sit on top of the cushions with appropriate pressure, and it was instantly calming. Three reasons it was weird. There was no eye contact and the physical pressure felt good. I would ask your kids to come up with a code word and a calming routine they can own and be in charge of. Here's a little twist on that. A couple emailed this past week and said, we let Our two kids listen to some of the audio programs and tell us how they wanted to do things when everyone got tense. Our son said, when I get upset, I want the word push ups, but I think dad should lead and start doing 10 pushups first and then I'll join him. Now, she said, mom said my husband didn't like that at first, but now my husband is actually doing pushups when he is getting frustrated. They have a little chart tracking how many push ups they're doing. My my daughter just says Picasso and that means she wants to color or draw and not be talked to until she invites me to color with her. By the way, I love that you're respecting your kids in that way, right? Because your daughter, your kids tell you very clearly, here's what I want to do. And then we go in sometimes and we try to fix it and it's like, no, she's telling you what she needs. So kudos to you. And the mom said, we're not perfect, but the programs have been incredibly helpful and the kids like feeling like they have a say in things and I love that. I would absolutely let your kids listen to these downloadable programs over the summer while there's no homework stress. So you're ready for the new school year and just ask them, what do you want to change in this home? They have ownership. If you do, remember to use the code word dad, not cheapskate dad at celebrate calm for 25% off if you need additional help or financial help ever, email Casey directly. Casey C A S e y celebrate calm.com now if he hasn't had his exercise, he might be irritable toward you. I'm kidding. But much respect to you moms and dads love you. Thank you for working so hard to change.
- [27:20]
B
Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressives name your price tool for years. Now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law.
- [27:51]
A
Support for this podcast comes from Progressive, a America's 1 motorcycle insurer. Did you know writers who switch and save with Progressive save nearly $200 per year. That's a whole new pair of writing gloves.
- [28:04]
B
And more.
- [28:05]
A
Quote Today Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $197 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between October 2024 and September 2025. Potential savings will vary.