What You Can & Should Never Try to Fix About Your Kids #605

Summary

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Calm Parenting Podcast

Episode 605: What You Can & Should Never Try to Fix About Your Kids

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: June 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin dives deep into how parents discuss diagnoses and perceived weaknesses—especially ADHD—with their children. He passionately argues that too much focus on "fixing" a child's differences can damage confidence and do more harm than good. Instead, Kirk reframes these challenges as natural human variations—urging families to talk about everyone's strengths and weaknesses in context and to celebrate the unique brains within the family.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rethinking Diagnoses: The Absurdity of Fixing Differences (03:29–10:00)

• High-level Analogy: Kirk uses an imaginative reversal:

  “Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a serious manner and say, ‘You have energy deficit disorder...’? Of course not.”

• Arbitrary Weaknesses: The weaknesses often labeled in children are context-based (e.g., struggles with sitting still in school), but may be strengths in the adult world.

  “They’re only hyperactive… because they’re in an arbitrary environment where they’re forced to be still for six or seven hours a day.”

2. The Problem With Hyper-Focusing on Weaknesses (07:00–10:00)

• Unrealistic Expectations:
  Kirk criticizes the educational model that demands all students excel uniformly:

  “Your grade is based on doing everything well—when in the real world, that’s just not how it works.”

• Steve Curry Analogy:
  He compares forcing a child to fix their weaknesses to asking Steph Curry, a world-class shooter, to focus on rebounding because it’s a weakness—and how harmful and pointless that would be.

3. The Opportunity Cost of Fixing Weaknesses (10:00–13:58)

• Strengths atrophy:

  “If every day at practice, [Steph Curry] is trying to rebound, what happens to his shooting skills? They atrophy. They suffer.”

• Kids' Anger and Shutdown:

  “That’s why many of our kids get angry, frustrated, and shut down. It’s because all the time is spent trying to fix what’s “wrong.””

4. Sharing Kirk’s Lived Experience with ADHD (16:34–22:30)

• Personal Challenges and Process:
  Kirk shares his own difficulty preparing this podcast, explaining how his ADHD benefits and hinders him:

  “Because of my ADHD…the way my brain is wired, this was harder for me. But my positives outweigh the negatives, and Casey (my son) says he’s glad he has it too.”

• Effective Coping Mechanisms:
  • Big-picture outlining
  • Taking breaks (short bursts of work with rewards)
  • Using physical activity to gain clarity (hiking, gym)
  • Motivation strategies (time compression, giving himself a deadline)
  • Music as stimulation for focus

5. Reframing the Family Conversation (22:31–28:00)

• Don’t Isolate the Child:

  “I don’t want you to talk to your kids about their diagnosis. I want you to shift… begin talking as a family about each person’s strengths and weaknesses.”

• Normalize Differences:
  Every family member has strengths and weaknesses, often with direct relationships (a weakness in one area is tied to a strength in another).
• Career Connection:
  Parents can model this by discussing how their jobs suit their brains, e.g.:
  • “Dad, you freak out when there are Legos on the floor…that’s what makes me a very good accountant. A company pays me for my strengths.”
  • “Mom is super creative but isn’t good at details—that’s why she leaves Post-it notes everywhere.”

6. Practical Tools and Games for Families (25:30–27:00)

• Whiteboard Exercise:
  List each person’s strengths and weaknesses openly as a family.
• Guess-the-Strength/Weakness Game:
  Have family members describe a trait—others guess who it fits.
• Family Team/Biz Analogy:
  Discuss family as a team or business; assign “roles” based on everyone’s natural talents.

7. Homework & Preparation for Next Steps (27:00–29:00)

• Family Strengths/Weaknesses Inventory:
  Kirk encourages parents to actively list out their family’s strengths and weaknesses for deeper understanding (before the next episode).
• Sample Strengths and Weaknesses for ADHD Kids:
  • Weaknesses: Difficulty focusing when uninterested, short-term memory, following directions, impulsivity, multi-step processes, peer relationships, constant movement.
  • Strengths: Hyper-focus, strategic and critical thinking, leadership, curiosity, pattern recognition, big energy, being “old souls.”

8. The Ultimate Goal (29:00–30:41)

• Instill Confidence and Self-Awareness:

  “Our ultimate goal is to teach our kids how to use their brains best. To be confident, knowing, oh yeah, I’ve got some weaknesses…but I have unique gifts and talents I bring to the world. And man, I’m going to use those to change things.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On diagnosing kids:
  “This emphasis on changing our kids is devastating… they begin to internalize: you’re less than, there’s something wrong with you.” (09:10)
• On workarounds and strengths:
  “A company pays me money for my strengths. They don’t care about my weaknesses.” (23:56)
• On family perspective:
  “I want you to normalize this instead of being like, well, we need to talk to our child because he struggles. Well, you struggle, I struggle, your spouse struggles, your other kids struggle in certain areas.” (22:56)
• Practical advice:
  “Over the next couple days…make a list of your family’s strengths and weaknesses and begin having these conversations with your kids.” (28:10)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Topic | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Welcome & topic intro | 03:08–03:29 | | Absurdity of “fixing” differences (analogy) | 03:29–09:40 | | Steph Curry/Basketball analogy | 09:42–13:15 | | Kirk’s ADHD lived experience & coping strategies | 16:34–22:30 | | How to talk about strengths and weaknesses as a family | 22:31–28:00 | | Family games/activities to highlight strengths | 25:30–27:00 | | Homework and closing thoughts | 27:00–30:41 |

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Summary Takeaways

• Do not hyper-focus on your child’s “deficits” or try to fix their core nature—most weaknesses are context-specific and tied to corresponding strengths.
• Normalize conversations about strengths and weaknesses for everyone in the family—not just the child with a diagnosis.
• Use practical, engaging activities (family games, analogies, role assignments) to safely surface and discuss differences.
• Frame “struggles” as part of broader human diversity, not as deficiencies—and steer your kids’ confidence towards what they do best.

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For Next Steps

• Complete the family strengths/weaknesses inventory as Kirk suggests
• Look out for the follow-up episode for more concrete ADHD discussions and workarounds
• Visit CelebrateCalm.com or email [e-mail] for more resources or questions

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“Really think about how to reframe this and what our ultimate goal is: to teach our kids how to use their brains best… and be excited about their unique gifts and talents.” — Kirk Martin (29:30)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

So how do you talk to your child about his or her diagnosis? Or if your child isn't diagnosed, just about their weaknesses, the things they're struggling with in school and at home? How do you do that in a constructive way, in a positive way, so we don't introduce fear into it? That is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[A]

So welcome.

[B]

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big summer [e-mail] this is a very important episode. I am going to ask you to be patient with me. I'm not going to talk as fast as I usually do because I really want to do this in a comprehensive way. I may stumble at times. This is not perfectly scripted out. I'm going to start at a very, very high level on this. And this was prompted by a mom who has a son with adhd. I am going to frame this discussion based on ADHD because that is the most common diagnosis that many of us struggle with. But I know we can apply this to kids who, who struggle with ocd, odd, which I hate, that label all kinds of different. If your kids are on the spectrum, we can apply these same principles. And if I don't cover it in enough detail, email me. And I could do a separate one at some point, but I think this will get you started. So I'm going to go slowly, give you a different perspective. So let's start really high level. I want to demonstrate the absurdity of what we do to our kids by showing how absurd this would be. Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder? It means the good part is it means you can sit still a lot. And it means that teachers love you. You don't blurt out. It's easier for you now in school. But what we want, you know, is you're different than those other kids in class who are always moving and have a lot of energy. And so those kids will probably grow up and be emergency room doctors. EMTs, pilots, salespeople, inventors, entrepreneurs, they're very active with their brains. Although we search and rescue people and their brains and the way that their bodies work because of all of that energy, man, that really helps them. And well, you just don't have that much energy. And so that may be a deficit for many jobs in the real world. So we're going to try a low dose of amphetamines so you can be like them. So, so you're not confined to a boring office job. Now, I understand that is not a perfect analogy, but if you flip it around with our kids, that's often what we do with labeling them as hyperactive. They're only hyperactive, not only, but partially. They got that label because they're in an arbitrary environment in which they have to be still for six or seven hours a day, day after day. If our kids were in different environments that they get to choose when they're adults. All those jobs I've noticed throughout my life because we live out west here and there's a lot of search and rescue people and I've met EMTs and pilots. Most of them have ADHD. They're ideally suited toward that. But we try to fix our kids, but other people don't try to fix their kids weaknesses. Let me do one more. Parents of neurotypical kids don't sit down. And you can apply this to yourself, right? Because most of you probably have a neurotypical kid, probably the easier kid, and then the neurodivergent kid, the ADHD kid, or on the spectrum kid, you don't sit your other kids down. Son, daughter, you have hyper focus deficit disorder. See, you're not capable of hyper focusing. Your brain works so that you can focus on many different things at once. And that's really helpful in school. It's just ineffective to focus on unimportant things. It's better to hyper focus and you have a deficit in that. See, in the real world, after you get out of school, your inability to hyper focus will be a disadvantage. See other kids in class, oh, they hyper focus. They get more done in a short period of time. They can see patterns. That's a superpower. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to sign you up for a couple classes a week. We're going to spend our time and money on these extra classes two days a week. So after you've been at school all day long, we're going to send you to these classes to teach you how to be like the other kids to teach you how to hyper focus. And then we're going to put pressure on you to change your nature because we paid all this money and we have so much anxiety about you having this deficit not being like the other kids that we're going to put this pressure on you to change even though it won't ever work. But it seems all the rage now to focus on fixing weaknesses instead of cultivating strengths. Now I used a little absurdity there because I want you to see how absurd it is many times, often for us with our kids, oh, we're sending them to different classes. Let me teach you this new skill that our kids will never learn because one, they don't need to learn it. They only need it for this period of their life. And I know it makes it harder in school when you struggle with short term memory when you're moving all the time. I understand that we will get to that later. But this emphasis on changing our kids is devastating to our kids because they begin to internalize your less than. There's something wrong with you. We need to change your nature. So I encourage you, do not hyper focus on our kids deficits or weaknesses. Many of them are only weaknesses because the ar. The standards are arbitrary. Okay, let's stay high level. I want to use this analogy. So take a basketball team. There are usually there are five complementary players. A shooting guard, point guard, a couple forwards and the center. And they all have different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other. So there's a player in the NBA called named Steph Curry. He is one of the greatest shooters in the history of the game. He's a great scorer. He also happens to be 6 foot 2, 185 pounds. The average NBA player is 6 foot 7, 215 pounds. You get a guy like LeBron James is 69250. So Steph Curry is tiny compared to his competitors, but he is one of the greatest shooters. But imagine that every day when he went into practice his coach said, steph, you're not rebounding well. And for those who don't know the game, rebounding is someone shoots the misses, the ball hits off the backboard and usually it's the, the taller players grab the rebound. Well, naturally he's not going to be a great rebounder. And so Steph Curry replies, well, coach, I'm one of the best three point shooters in the game. And the response to him, yeah, but your grade, your performance, your salary, Steph is based on doing everything well. See, that's kind of the standard we give Our kids. And what we say in school is, your grade is based on doing everything well. When the real world, that's just not how it works. So Steph Curry would reply, coach, I'm six foot two. Everybody's six seven. Rebounding is for the big guys or the big. The taller ladies in the wnba. That's not a good use of my talents. And then the coach would say, well, that sounds like an excuse. If you would just apply yourself, Steph, you would be better at this. I think you have rebounding deficit disorder or height deficit disorder. Now, my point is, number one, it won't work to ask someone to work against their nature for Steph Curry to put energy into learning to rebound better. One, it won't work. And two, there is an opportunity cost. Because if every day at practice he is trying to rebound, what happens to his shooting skills? They atrophy. They suffer. And so it's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases or Michelangelo. Like, you've got to do a better job at accounting. It's like, that's not where I want your energy. It's like asking me to be a handyman. I'm not. I won't ever be. It would just cause a lot of frustration. And all the time I'm spent swearing, right, because I can't figure things out. Well, I'm not doing what I'm really good at. And that's why many of our kids get angry and frustrated and shut down. And my point is, it is only with our kids that we focus almost solely on their weaknesses. We don't do it to other kids. We don't do it to other adults. So before we drill down to your family, let me make this very personal. So I know people who have adhd. I am one, our son is one, and other diagnoses. These are very real struggles that impact people. I'm not denying that. I'm trying to place it in context and give perspective. Perspective so we don't destroy our kids confidence when they're little, because that is very hard to get back.

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[B]

So before we drill down to your family, let me make this personal and I want you to know people who are diagnosed with ADHD and the other diagnoses these are they encounter very real struggles in daily life. So I am not denying that or minimizing that. I'm trying to place this in context and perspective. While I was working on this particular podcast, I really struggled because of my ADHD and because of the way that my brain is wired, this was harder for me. I also think there's some aspects of my ADHD that make this podcast better or different than someone who would be addressing this who doesn't have this. So here's what was hard about It. There are so many details. There are. I have so many notes. It was very overwhelming. Now, typically, the way my brain works, it's an advantage. So I'll get in a mode where I'm thinking about a podcast and I get a lot of clarity, and I'm like, boom, boom, boom. And oftentimes I will write and record three podcasts in a day or two. Or it might be over the course of two days, but it's because my mind gets in a certain head space. It might be an email that I replied to and I was like, oh, that's really good. I can expand that and make that into a podcast. It might be drawing on an experience I had with Casey or something we used to talk about at our live events, and that makes it easier. And I get in a certain head space, and that hyper focus means I, oh, I just nailed three of them really well now with this one. It's overwhelming. And I had. There's so many points to make, and I'm trying to be precise and creative. And so thinking hard for protracted periods of time is difficult for me. And so I want to escape and do something else because it is taxing mentally, emotionally, even physically, to really drill down and think about this. So I wanted to do. I wanted to escape and put it off for another day. But here's. So here's the process that I use the tools I use to get this done. So for me, I have to lay out the big picture first. Until I have a theme and outline something visual, the big picture, I can't fill in the details, and I did that over the course of a couple days. So I was working on other podcasts, but this one was always in the back of my mind because there's a mom who's waiting for my answer, and I do care, and I do want to help people, and I want to help this mom. So I couldn't put it off too long, so I was holding myself accountable. So I laid out these, the outline, and then I've hiked over the past few days because I'm very mission oriented, and I really want this mission. I have to brag about this really quickly. So in the first five months of the year, I've hiked 500 miles and 100,000ft of vertical climbing, which is an immense amount. I've never come close to that, and it's because I'm very fortunate and lucky that I have the time and opportunities to do that. But I set that record yesterday, and it was on these recent hikes. That I've been really meditating on this and Mrs. Calm is out of town with family. So I had this extra time to really think about this and just let things process through my head. The basketball analogy, I know exactly where I was on the trail when that one came to me. And so that helps me out. And so what's hard is, okay, now I come home from the hike and I have to sit down and think, put all these thoughts together in a coherent way. So here are some things that I use for that one. I went for my hike and then I went to the gym because I did some weights. When I came home, I knew the endorphins are flowing and I have a lot of clarity. So I sit down and start doing some work. I play intense music. Intense music is often very good for your kids brains when they're learning. And we'll get to that a little bit later. So I started filling in the details. Then I would take breaks. So I tend to work on projects like this. I do a short burst and I would complete one section. I'd be like, okay, that's good. Then I take a break. I take a shower or I eat something or I call Mrs. Coleman. We would discuss it because that gave me more clarity. So short bursts. Get a reward. The motivation is extremely important for us. Many of your kids are not lazy. It is just that they are not motivated. But you've seen this with your kids. If your kids are into something or they can get ready on time, they can remember all the details of their favorite movie or precise things about a passion that they have. But if you ask them to put their shoes on or remember something else, they just can't do it. So the motivation for me was, I want to do this right? I did want to, and I want to help this mom and I do want to help you. Time compression, a very valuable tool for people with adhd. So the time compression part was this. I told myself yesterday, you are not going to bed until this is laid out and you can record it. And so I had a mission and I was not letting myself off of that. And for whatever reason, compressing time with a mission is extremely valuable. Now, I know some people will find medication helpful. It's just not my thing because I wanted to find natural ways to do this for me. But as I was writing this, I was really struggling. But for me, the positives of ADHD outweigh the negatives and I'm glad I have it. And Casey says he's glad that he has it, that's not always the case, and I understand that, but I want to show you a different way now as we drill down to have this discussion with your kids. Okay? Something just happened I want to share with you. And this podcast is very different. I just recorded the next section, but I wasn't really happy with it. And so I swore, and hopefully I'll record over that, unless some of you really like that. And I was like, ugh, I'm not getting it. So all of a sudden, I get four new ideas for. For you to try in the next few days. And so now I'm super excited because I have new ideas and I think this is going to resonate. So let me begin with this as setting up the discussion. Look, I'm actually really angry that we have to have this talk with our kids. I do not want it to be negative. I do not want it to be fear based. And I want to reframe this discussion. I don't want you to talk to your kids about their diagnosis. I want you to shift your entire perspective and just begin talking as a family about each person's relative strengths and weaknesses. Because all human beings have strengths and weaknesses, and usually there's a corresponding nature. Usually if you have a weakness, you have a related strength that counteracts that counterbalances that. And I also don't want to make this about one child in the family, because mom, dad, son, daughter, all of your kids, all of you, you have strengths and weaknesses. So I want you to normalize this instead of being like, well, we need to talk to our child because he struggles. Well, you struggle, I struggle. Your spouse struggles. Your other kids struggle in certain areas. But I want you to talk about and show your kids how you actually chose careers based on how your brain works best. One of you may be a very linear thinker, very good with numbers. You're very orderly, and you can mock yourself a little bit in front of your kids. Have you ever noticed that I'm orderly? Yeah, dad, you freak out when you come home from work and their Legos on the floor. We can tell. That really triggers you. Yeah, it does, because that's how my brain is wired. And that was what makes me a very good accountant. See, a company pays me money for my strengths. They don't care about my weaknesses. And so the other spouse, the other parent can say, hey, I'm super creative, but I'm not really good at following through in these areas. And you'll notice I'm not great with details. And so have you guys ever noticed That I leave post it notes everywhere. Yeah, I don't have good short term memory, but I'm super creative and a company pays me money for my creativity. And you can take it down through the kids. And so here are some games even that you could play. You could get a whiteboard out or just a poster board. Ask your kids, start with you. Hey, this. Have you guys ever noticed? Do you. Can you make a list? What are my strengths and weaknesses as a dad? What are my. What are moms? And you start doing this and they can start talking about each other. Now, I know this has potential for like, you stink at this. But I don't want it to be that. So you could actually make it a game. I love this idea. Hey, who am I describing? This person swears when little things go wrong or when they can't fix something, the kids are gonna be like, dad, that's dad. You'd be like, absolutely. That is one of the things I really struggle with. But then you can mention strengths. And so you can do that with your kids and say, who am I describing?

[A]

Who.

[B]

Who comes up with really interesting ideas, who can see patterns and who invents things? Oh, that's my brother. He's fantastic at that. And so you can normalize this instead of it being about one person. Now, I really like these two analogies. You could say, hey, if our family were a basketball team or a soccer team, whatever it is, or football team, who would play each position? And so you can start to talk about those things of like, yeah, because you're better at this and she's better at that. And I really like this one. Let's say that we were going to start a family business. Who would do the marketing, who would do the finances? And you can talk openly and say, oh, no way do we want him or her to be in charge of finances, because they're not good at that. But, oh, she would be fantastic at sales and advertising. Who's going to manage the details of the business? Who's going to see? By putting it in that context, everyone in your family can see, oh, we each have things we're really good at and things we're not good at. And so here's what we're going to do. This is getting a little long and I still have three pages of notes. I think I'm going to make an executive decision here. I want you to do some homework over the next few days, and then I'm going to get to very, very specific things with your kids with ADHD and other diagnosis. I want you over the next couple days to think about this and reframe it for yourself. Make a list of your family's strengths and weaknesses and begin having these conversations with your kids. I would encourage you make a list before I do the next episode. I'll release it in like two or three days of your child's strengths and weaknesses and I'll just list some here from the next page. Difficulty paying attention if not interested in something short term memory following directions they're impulsive multi step processes are hard Struggling with peers their own age Constantly needing to move while strengths hyper focus work on momentum strategic and critical thinking they're really good at being leaders Curious initiative taking action seeing pictures seeing patterns. They're old souls good in the adult world. Lots of good energy. So I encourage you start making that list. If you have our programs, listen to the ADHD University program in particular because I go through this in great detail. If you do not have our programs, buy them on a special sale or reach out to Casey. He'll help you out with this. You get them as an instant download. Let your kids listen to that and then in the next episode you will be ready to really drill down into specifics. So thank you for putting up with me in this episode. Not being scripted, I hope it didn't irritate you too much. But really think about how to reframe this and what our ultimate goal is to teach our kids how to use their brains best. To be confident knowing, oh yeah, I've got some weaknesses and I'm going to have to overcome those and I'll develop some workarounds and strategies. We'll talk about that next. But I really need to be excited about the fact that I have some unique gifts and talents that I bring to the world. And man, I'm going to use those to change things. Okay, I've talked enough. Love you all.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you for working through this. If we can help you, let us know.

[D]

Bye bye.

[E]

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[F]

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