← Calm Parenting Podcast
Calm Parenting Podcast
What Your Wife Wants For Mother’s Day (Besides No More Fights At Dinner & Bedtime!) #588
00:23:54
Loading summary
Transcript15 lines
- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
This episode is brought to you by Framer. Summer is creeping up on us, and that means it's time to start prepping for all those summer sales. It's also the perfect time to give your website a fresh new look for the season. Now a good way to do that is Framer. They're the website builder that can help turn your website into a tool for growth. Whether you're launching a new site, introducing a sales page, or making a few simple updates, Framer has the tools you need to make it happen and make it go live right away. I've always thought it'd be fun to see a website dedicated to showing the mountain bike trails in your area with the most tree shade. Well, Framer's localization tool to help your site go live wherever you need it would be so helpful in making that a reality. Get your site Summer ready with the website builder that more and more businesses are turning to. Learn how you can get more out of your.com from our framer specialists or get started building for free today@framer.com tcdaily for 30% off a Framer Pro annual plan. That's framer.com tcdaily for thirty percent off brimmer.com tcdaily rules and restrictions may apply.
- [01:02]
So here's another awkward but fun moment. Hiking in Bryce Canyon. This nice couple stops us and says, hey, aren't you the Cozy Earth guy? And I laugh because I'm the calm parenting podcast guy. But they've heard me say we live in our Cozy Earth. And we did have on our Cozy Earth bamboo shorts, socks, and a jogger shirt that day, which is no different than every other day. The awesome thing is, once you feel the heavenly comfort of Cozy Earth bamboo draping in luxurious comfort, you'll find yourself wearing the joggers and the clogs to run errands and meet with friends after the hike or a long day running your kids around. Nothing feels more soothing than slipping into Cozy Earth joggers and clogs. It's like getting a relaxing massage. Cozy Earth goes where your day goes. Head to cozyearth.com use code CALM for 20% off. Please mention that you heard about Cozy Earth from the calm parenting guy. That's cozyearth.com/calm or codecalm for 20% off. Around this time of year, a lot of our kids kind of get stuck in school. They're just tired and shut down. So I encourage you to check out IXL to jumpstart your child's love for learning. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. IXL uses engaging video tutorials and positive learning games that teach your kids the way they learn best and give your kids control over how they learn and what they learn about. And you know, our kids love that your kids can explore any topic in any grade level. Our kids thrive on positive feedback and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today. You@Iexcel.com Kirk Visit Iexcel.com Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price Kirk, you irritate me. That was the subject line of an email that I got that is the inspiration for this episode. And it was a father and husband who emailed this. He said, kirk, when my wife first sent me your podcast, I was skeptical and you irritated me. I told my wife he has too many ads on this podcast. And she just smiled. And over, over time I found myself changing and my kids began responding differently to me. So then my wife said, hey, we need to take this to the next level. We need to buy the downloadable programs. And I of course said, we don't need that. And I dismissed her concerns. But we bought them and I saw that there was a program called Straight Talk for stressed out moms and I was curious. So I began listening to that on my commute because I've only ever looked at things from a dad's point of view. So it was enlightening. And one insight that jumped out to me is that my wife's voice was never heard when she was a kid. She was always dismissed and her parents never really listened to her. And then she married me. And I'm afraid I've been dismissive until you told me to grow up. So now that I am aware of that, I am actually helping my wife kind of find her confidence in speaking up and being assertive as a person. So I'm actually involved in helping heal this childhood wound instead of making it worse, and I'm helping her break the pattern. And so he said, this is interesting and I can relate to this. As a guy, I've always found my work really gratifying and I'm into fitness and investing and I get a lot of satisfaction out of that. But I never knew relationships could be this gratifying. That's a really good insight and that is amazing. And I should just end the podcast here and say, go listen to the programs together and help each other break your patterns. But this dad also asked for ideas for a meaningful Mother's Day gift for his wife besides stopping those fights at the dinner table and bedtime. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's special episode, the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is irritating Kirk Martin. You can find us on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. I'm very active there. And we have our special PDA parent podcast@celebratecolm.com PDA so, look, I'm not going to speak for your wife or the moms out there. Ask her. Ask your wife. And then listen. Really listen. And then get her something she's mentioned in passing or told you directly that she wants. And at some point, you need to step up and surprise her. Look, be vulnerable. Take a risk. Get your wife a gift that she didn't have to tell you to get that shows you've listened to her. And I remember the first few times I tried getting creative gifts. Her Mother's Day and Christmas and her birthday. It was scary. What if I get her something stupid? Well, that's a distinct possibility. It happened. But what she most appreciated was knowing I wasn't going through the motions. I was putting extra thought into it. By the way, I tend to think in themes, so I like coming up with a theme for it because then I can get different things that all relate to that. It just helps me with kind of piecing together things a little bit creatively. So one of the best gifts I ever did was I organized a getaway weekend with a few of her good friends. But that was only after I'd learned how to control myself so she didn't have to spend the entire weekend or wondering when she'd be getting calls from home. I also began getting a sure thing, like a safe gift. Now, that's anything from Cozy Earth, and I just use code calm. You'll get an extra special discount. But she loves everything from there, and so do I. I'm actually wearing my Cozy Earth right now. And then try something a little more risky. Look, I had some bombs, but she was gracious because I tried one more thing. Your wife will appreciate this even more if you do it consistently throughout the year, not just one day as an obligation in May. So set a calendar reminder. Bring home flowers. You forgot to do that. Send her a card in the mail letting her know how lucky you are that your kids have the best mom ever. Now for the dad who emailed this and all the men out there who are actively working on your own anger issues, being emotionally supportive of your wife, learning how to de escalate situations and breaking those generational patterns. Kudos to you. I am proud of you. This is harder, more taxing work than your job, but it is an indescribable gift you're giving to yourself because you're becoming someone you respect and can be proud of. It's a gift to your wife because she no longer has to walk on eggshells around you or manage your emotions or mother you. And it's a gift to your kids because they're not going to grow up with the same wounds and dysfunction you and I have had to overcome and that it was likely sabotaged some of your relationships and success in life. My guess is that for most moms this is the greatest gift you could ever give her. To know that when your intense, strong willed child begins to melt down or act out, her nervous system doesn't have to be on high alert wondering who to calm first, you or your child. She doesn't have to be the referee between her child and the man she married. She doesn't have to be afraid to bring up some uncomfortable issues, knowing that will be met with denial or anger or dismissive or manipulative tone. So keep doing this. Keep changing. Everything else is likely just a bonus for your wife. But let's do a little straight talk and some helpful strategies for all the guys out there, especially those who are a little bit resistant to change. Whenever mom emails about her husband, my first questions are, hey, what was his father like? And do you think he feels helpless to change? Because I had a horrible role model as my dad and I felt helpless at first. Like how am I supposed to acquire these relationship skills when no one has ever shown me as a guy? All I've ever been taught my entire life is how to compete and win and I'm good at that. But no one has ever showed me how to be good at relationships or to actually control my emotions. In fact, I'll just say like I was taught to use my emotions as a weapon to get what I wanted. That's what. I have three brothers. That's what we were taught by our dad. So that's not an excuse. I just want guys to know I know how hard this is and I'm always willing to help any guy who humbles himself and says man, I really need some help. So let's go through a quick list of things to stop doing as a Husband and father and everything I'm going to mention I was guilty of doing myself. I used to react and start escalating with my son and then my wife would step in. When that happens, we as men are tempted to say, well, well, she's undermining me. She's undermining my authority. No, you are undermining your own authority because you abdicate your authority and leadership role. When you're not leading, you are reacting. Your child is in control of you. She wouldn't have to be forced to step in if you could control yourself. And she's not coddling your child. She's probably coddling your you. So look, no blame or guilt. Just own that. When your wife brings something up, how often do you dismiss it? Oh, honey, you're just overreacting. There's no reason to be upset or worried. I don't do that. And I will tell you that hurts your wife more than you know. And I used to do that because I couldn't handle hard, emotional things. So I dismissed and or ignore it. But that will catch up to you in your relationship. So many of us have wives who are never allowed to speak up at home. They were made to be the good girl and the people pleaser. So when you're think about this. When your wife takes a chance, it's a risk and tries to be assertive to tell you that something needs to change. She is battling a lot of fear and overcoming a lot of childhood pain. So when you dismiss her concerns, it's devastating. And what you don't want is when she eventually stops asking. That's a bad sign because then she's given up and you don't want that. So ask her. Just ask your wife, does this happen? Do I dismiss you? And then don't get angry when she says yes. And by the way, notice if your wife says things to you sheepishly, that's not the way it's supposed to be. Right. You didn't get married so that your wife has to come and say, honey, I really need to ask you something. No, you want someone. Look, you want someone who's confident and will call you on your bs. You know why? Because we as men are really good at BS and we hide behind that. And it is such a gift not to have a critical wife, but to have a wife who will come and say, you know, that's bs. You're better than that. And they can see through some of our immaturity. That's a great thing when you can do that for each other. So you have an opportunity to help your wife, like the dad who emailed, to be the confident person she was meant to be. How cool would that be? To be instrumental in the growth of your wife and yourself. Stop apologizing and promising, right? Because we say, oh, I'll do better. I did that. It became empty words, just like threatening your kids with consequences you can't keep. Eventually your wife and kids don't respect what you say. The best apology is to actually change. So put as much effort into changing yourself as you have into your career in sports, investing your hobbies. And I'm ashamed to say, I used to do this really manipulative stuff, right? I was good dad, basically. But I ended up somehow sabotaging every evening, somehow. Whether it was nitpicking my son at the dinner table or yelling at bedtime or overreacting. And I'd see the disappointment, disapproval on my wife's face. And then I get defensive. Fine. You know what? You guys would be better off without me. And then I'd storm out to the garage and stew in my anger, my confusion, my embarrassment, my helplessness before having to kind of slink back inside like nothing happened. And you might be a master at that, right? Fine. Everything I do is wrong. Why don't you just do everything with the kids and I'll just go earn the money. And you can tell when you're saying these things, you're like that helpless six year old. So catch yourself and just own it. Now. If you're too passive or withdrawal while your wife is forced to be the bad guy, then learn how to step up and support her. You just need some new tools and skills. And I used to think, well, if the kids would just stop, would just listen and do what I said, then I wouldn't react and yell. Well, that's BS and you know it. Stop making excuses and blaming a child. Just be honest and own it. Look, I have anger issues. I'm too reactive. I yell and I shouldn't. I'm immature and expect the kids to control their emotions, but I can't control my own. It's like I need my kids to behave so that I can behave. Those are just honest statements. This will actually cause your family to respect you more. And it's a way to then hold yourself accountable. No blame, no guilt. We're all flawed, immature creatures. Everybody struggles with something, so just own it. Wives, I just encourage you. When you see your husband making progress in an area, recognize it. Short and sweet. You know what I've noticed? I noticed how you caught yourself at dinner tonight. That saved the whole night. Hey, I've noticed you being more patient with the kids. See, we're accustomed to being validated in our jobs in sports and finances, but not usually with emotional or relational things. So it's really meaningful. So what can we start doing now? So I bet your family is like ours. During springtime, life gets so busy we don't always have time to grocery shop or cook. But thanks to Hungryroot, we shop on our own schedule and we make healthy home cooked meals. And in about 15 minutes, Hungryroot eliminates the indecision the last minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy delicious meals that even your picky kids will love. And it only takes minutes to prepare, leaving more time to enjoy your kids. Last night we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir fry veggies. Boom. Delicious meal. 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup. We more stress free family time. You're going to love Hungryroot as much as we do, so go to hungryroot.com calm use code CALM to get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's hungryroot.com calm codecalm to get 40% off your first box. That's hungryroot.com Calm codecalm
- [17:09]
Liberty Mutual Spokesperson
and Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mute. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.
- [17:19]
Kirk Martin
Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
- [17:22]
Talkspace Spokesperson
Oh no.
- [17:23]
Liberty Mutual Spokesperson
We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Together we're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
- [17:29]
Kirk Martin
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
- [17:30]
Liberty Mutual Spokesperson
Anyways, get a quote@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.
- [17:34]
Talkspace Spokesperson
Liberty Liberty. Liberty Liberty. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. November is Men's Health Awareness Month. So Talkspace wants guys to know that being prepared for life's biggest challenges and opportunities means priority prioritizing mental health too. Talkspace can help you go beyond fine tuned workouts, supplements and productivity hacks. Talkspace can help you fine tune your inner life so you can succeed in being the best version of yourself in any situation. And with Talkspace, you can get therapy from anywhere and on your time. You can even text your therapist between sessions. If you're depressed, stressed, struggling with a relationship, or just need a little extra one on one support, Talkspace is here for you. Plus, Talkspace takes Most insurance and most insured members have a $0 copay. Men's Health Awareness Month is the perfect time to reach out to TalkSpace. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code space80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com and save $80 with code space80@talkspace.com that's talkspace.com promo code space80.
- [18:38]
Kirk Martin
I think the biggest change for most of us as men is to learn how to de escalate situations. Because I was really good at escalating and I've recorded countless episodes with so many different ways to do this. But for the next week, just do the opposite of what you've likely been doing. Don't react. Don't take things personally. Sit. Sit in the midst of the next emotional situation without trying to fix it. Just sit and observe. Because sitting helps deescalate. It changes your tone of voice. And it's really cool what happens when you slow your world down. And you do this because you become an expert problem solver, which many of you are at work, so do that at home. In fact, look for the next week. Talk to your kids like you would talk to a colleague or a young promising intern at work that you're mentoring. See, at work, we don't walk around angry at everyone and criticizing them. Unless you're a jerk, right? Not a good leader. We problem solve. We teach. I mean, just think about an ER doctor. How do they respond when a patient has brought in victim of like a gunshot wound at 2am does the ER doctor scream and blame the patient for bleeding on their ER room floor? No. The ER doctor takes their vitals, stabilizes the patient, gets to the root of the issue, problem solves, and then leads their team. That's cool. See, we're good at that in the work world. Let's start doing that at home. So I want you to become that husband and father that your wife and kids trust and respect the guy. No one has to fear coming home from work. Like that's that was my entire childhood was fearing, is my dad going to come home and hit my mom or start yelling at us? Right? Be that guy who, when you're driving, you don't hold your family hostage like I used to. Right. While we're raging at other drivers and your family is kind of white knuckling it, hoping you don't crash or flip someone off. And it's kind of funny. I began emailing with a guy whose email inspired this episode and we were Talking about this dynamic, how we as guys get. We sometimes we get this and we get really intense and we'll rant about money or politics or little things, and that can put our wives on edge, even though inside we're not really that upset. It's kind of like listening to Italian people talk. You think they're fighting, and it's like, no, they're just kind of intense and they're doing it like this. And he said, yeah, I kept complaining about that, your ads on your podcast. And my wife finally said, seriously, this guy's basically saved your marriage and family. You don't want him getting paid to give you free advice. And you won't blanket spending $500 on your hobbies, but you'll get all worked up about spending $5 per month to get 500 episodes with no ads on them. And he replied, well, I have to complain about something, honey. That's how a lot of us are. But we don't have to be like that. So, by the way, if you want, you can subscribe. We have an ad free version@celebratecolm.com and I priced it low just so it's easy. So here is one of my favorite gifts to give your wife. So go to your wife and say, hey, honey, every Tuesday night or one night a week or once every two weeks or once a month, I'm going to handle homework, dinner and bedtime with the kids. You can go out by yourself, you can go out with a friend. You can just sit in the car or all alone. I don't care. But I'll handle everything. And you don't have to worry that when you get home, you're going to have to clean up an emotional mess with the kids. Ask her how she'd like that as a gift. Because the truth is, she probably does that for you all the time and you never look. I'll just make it. Me, when I was a young dad, never had to worry, like, if I had to work late or if I went out with some friends. I was never worrying about getting a call from home, right? Of saying, like, oh, the kids are all wound up. I don't know what to do. No, I didn't have to worry. But sometimes our wives have to do that for us. There's that constant taking the emotional temperature of the home, even when they're not in the home. So do that for your wife, okay? Two new traditions to handle conflict. Because a lot of guys get defensive when their wives speak up or point things out that need to change. So here are a couple new traditions you can practice together. So have a kind of tap out tradition, A code word, a signal, a non verbal, a nice touch on the shoulder that you two give each other before things escalate. So at the dinner table, right, Dad's getting kind of upset. It could be something where your wife gets up and she goes to the cupboard and says, oh honey, could you come help me reach this? See, it gives you an out and she doesn't have to correct you in front of the kids. Here's another one in our call. We've got a if you do get the program, it's part of the calm parenting bundle. There's a calm couples program so you don't have to go to couples therapy, which most guys hate. Or guys go and they end up a charming. Watch how we do this stuff, guys. Right? I did this too. I'm guilty of all of it. You go in and you'll charm and disarm the therapist, right? I don't want that anymore. So we go through on ways to handle conflict without withdrawing. So practice this. So a situation comes up. Each of you. You share your perspective, but you don't try to counter it or prove your point. You can ask follow up questions, but only for clarity. You're just laying out your thoughts and your opinions in the open with neither of you. Neither of you get to react. Then you take 12 hours or 24 hours or when both of you are ready before you respond. And during that time, your goal is to seek to understand what your spouse is saying to see where there's a kernel of truth, while also better defining what you disagree with or what needs to be understood better. And this takes the pressure off of trying to decide who's right in the moment and then withdrawing or running off. And it eliminates that defensiveness. It allows you to really think through things overnight. You both feel heard. You both have time to step into each other's shoes. And it prevents that dynamic I was always guilty of. When my wife was telling me something. I was too busy formulating my response to actually hear her. So I'm just going to do this short and sweet. A blunt talk with men. I want you to know if you don't change, this is exactly what's going to happen. You and your wife will begin drifting apart. It may have already started. The respect will be gone. The kids will gradually stop connecting with you. That's what got me to change. I noticed my son wasn't coming to me anymore to play or ask for advice. And many guys Inside will be like, well, this is too hard and I'm not good at this relationship stuff, so I'll just throw myself further into my work. Because that's the one thing you feel like you have control of and mastery over. But then you begin living divided lives. And when the kids get older, the divorce comes and now 50% of what you put all that effort into is gone. But the worst part is the regret from not ever really growing up or having a close connection with your kids. I promise you, you do not want that. So let's do the relationship work. So I want you to ask each other this, what is one thing I could begin doing differently that would make a difference in the home? Just one, something small and simple and then begin doing that. So here's a real life example for a dad who would end the day by getting upset at his son every night at bedtime. So look, have a plan. I wish I had so many of these nights back, I could have bonded and built so many great memories instead of kind of making it so everybody went to bed upset. And I know you're tired, but so is your child. And that means you're more emotionally vulnerable in a good way. So you walk in and you lie down next to your child and then you bring up a topic your child is interested in, or you ask your son or daughter their opinion about a current event or even a business question like, hey, what do you think? How should I do this case? And I would have talks. Hey, who's the best classic rock guitarist? Why do you like this team, this car, this food better than others. You could tell stories from your own childhood. You talk about history, war, cars, whatever your child is interested in. And then you listen to them. And I promise this could be start of a tradition that becomes extra meaningful to you both. That's the time of night you can have a lot of influence and plant lots of seeds. And can you imagine how gratifying this would be to your wife to hear you talking quietly to and bonding with your son or daughter right before bed? So the cool thing about this email from this dad I mentioned at the beginning is that he said his wife listened to the dad's program and told him it helped me understand actually how far you have come given your own dad's anger issues. And I think it's also helping me support you better now. That is cool. It's a fantastic idea. Listen to the downloadable programs together and then discuss what you can begin doing to support each other and men. If your wife has mentioned listening to the podcast or getting the programs, then get them. Begin listening on your own and making small changes. She will notice, she will respect for that. And as you go through the programs, on your commute or during workouts, you'll notice your responses become more natural. You become the man you want to be. And so, and if you have specific triggers that you still struggle with, you can email me. I will help you. Okay, let's make these changes this week. Work on some small things. Learn to de escalate, stop doing all those other things. Okay? Much respect to you all. If we can help you in any way, reach out to Casey C A s e y celebratecolm.com and we'll help you with whatever you need. Okay? Love you all. Bye Bye.
- [29:38]
Geico Female Announcer
From Geico Subconscious News, I'm Tammy. Racing thoughts tonight. You just left for work and had a non specific feeling that something was happening to your place and it wasn't good. Dan.
- [29:46]
Geico Male Announcer
Exactly, Tammy. It could be smoke damage, theft or just too much caffeine, but you can't stop thinking about it.
- [29:52]
Geico Female Announcer
But with renters insurance through geico, your stuff is covered so you don't have to worry.
- [29:56]
Geico Male Announcer
And that's great because the weekend is coming up and it's chock full of of social obligations that are ready to fill that void.
- [30:02]
Geico Female Announcer
Oh boy, will they. Dad. It feels good to worry less. It feels good to Geico.