When To Say No & Yes (Bored, Unhappy, Tattling and Fighting Siblings)

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast Summary

Episode Title: When To Say No & Yes (Bored, Unhappy, Tattling and Fighting Siblings)
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: December 21, 2024

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Introduction and Context

In this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin addresses the heightened stress parents often experience during the holiday season. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides practical strategies to navigate common holiday parenting challenges. He emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and fostering independence in children to reduce stress and enhance family harmony.

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Managing Holiday Stress

Kirk begins by acknowledging the various pressures parents face during the holidays, such as managing family gatherings, handling disappointed children, and dealing with strong-willed kids. He identifies traits common among his listeners, like being empathetic, people-pleasing, and sensitive to others' emotions, which can lead to adrenal fatigue and increased stress.

Notable Quote:
“I want to give you some insight into when to say no and when to say yes to reduce some of the holiday stress, because that rhymes.”
[01:20]

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When to Say No

Kirk outlines several areas where parents can assertively say “no” to alleviate holiday stress:

1. Declining Holiday Parties:
   Kirk encourages parents to decline invitations to holiday parties without feeling guilty. He suggests simply stating, “We’re overbooked, but we’d love to get the kids together after Christmas,” demonstrating respect for one’s own time and reducing the tendency to overcommit.

   Notable Quote:
   “Practice saying no because you're demonstrating respect for your own time and wishes.”
   [02:10]

2. Rejecting the Pressure of a Perfect Holiday:
   Letting go of the ideal of a flawless Christmas helps parents focus on meaningful experiences rather than perfection.

   Notable Quote:
   “Say no to the idea and the ideal of having the perfect Christmas or holiday. Let go of that.”
   [03:00]

3. Avoiding Fixing Extended Family Issues:
   Parents are advised not to intervene in the dysfunctions of extended family members, allowing others to handle their own issues.

   Notable Quote:
   “It's okay to give people space to own their own dysfunction. It’s not your responsibility to fix it or make it better.”
   [04:15]

4. Eliminating Over-Control of Holiday Details:
   Kirk challenges parents to deliberately perform tasks imperfectly, such as leaving the Christmas tree slightly askew, to break the cycle of control and expectation.

   Notable Quote:
   “Purposefully do something imperfectly over the holidays. Who cares?”
   [05:30]

5. Limiting Gift Overload:
   Parents should avoid giving children everything they ask for, focusing instead on experiences and traditions that create lasting memories.

   Notable Quote:
   “Don’t try to get kids everything they want for Christmas. I say no to a lot of stuff. I say yes to a lot of experiences and memorable traditions.”
   [06:10]

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When to Say Yes

Kirk also highlights positive actions parents can embrace to enhance their holiday experience:

1. Prioritizing Personal Meaning:
   Engage in activities and traditions that are personally meaningful without forcing others to conform to these values.

   Notable Quote:
   “Do what is meaningful to you without needing to convince others that it should be meaningful to them.”
   [12:15]

2. Asking for Help:
   Kirk emphasizes the strength in seeking assistance, whether for parenting challenges or financial support, breaking the stigma that asking for help is a weakness.

   Notable Quote:
   “There’s a lot of confidence and strength in saying, hey, I want to be assertive. Here’s exactly what I need.”
   [13:20]

3. Allowing Children to Handle Their Own Issues:
   Encourage children to resolve their own conflicts and boredom, fostering independence and problem-solving skills.

   Notable Quote:
   “Let your kids listen to this stuff. Let them listen to this stuff. If we can help you in any way, we will...”
   [19:00]

4. Spending Quality Time Alone:
   Allocate time for self-reflection and relaxation, such as enjoying a quiet moment by the Christmas tree, which can rejuvenate parents emotionally.

   Notable Quote:
   “I love at Christmas time, sitting out at night by the tree with the lights on. I found it's great. Time for me to reflect on things, to think.”
   [13:33]

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Practical Strategies and Action Steps

Kirk provides actionable steps for parents to implement during the holidays:

1. Say No to Overcommitment:
   Reduce the number of obligations to focus on what truly matters.

2. Embrace Imperfection:
   Allow for imperfect holiday decorations and activities to lessen the pressure of perfection.

3. Empower Children:
   Encourage children to take ownership of their emotions and actions, such as handling boredom or resolving sibling conflicts independently.

4. Communicate Effectively:
   Use short, matter-of-fact responses when disciplining to maintain authority without escalating tensions.

5. Self-Care:
   Prioritize personal well-being to better support the family.

   Notable Quote:
   “The most giving thing you can do is to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.”
   [07:00]

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Insights on Managing Power Struggles

Kirk delves into the root causes of power struggles, attributing them largely to parental anxiety about their children’s futures and control issues. He reassures parents that they have control over their own behaviors and responses, not their children's.

Notable Quote:
“I believe that 80% of power struggles are caused by our own anxiety because we're anxious about our child's future.”
[17:15]

He advises parents to focus on changing themselves rather than trying to change their children, which can lead to frustration on both sides.

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Audience Engagement and Support

Kirk shares a heartfelt email from a listener named Caleb, who reached out for help both in parenting his strong-willed child and financial assistance. This story underscores the importance of parents stepping out of their comfort zones to seek help and fostering open communication within families.

Notable Quote:
“The most important part of that is the fact that this mom stepped out of her comfort zone and actually helped ask for help.”
[16:05]

Kirk encourages listeners to share the podcast with their families and involve them in the parenting journey, fostering a supportive community.

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Conclusion

Kirk concludes the episode by reiterating the importance of balancing saying no and yes to create a harmonious holiday environment. He urges parents to practice the discussed strategies, listen to the podcast with their children, and take actionable steps to reduce stress and empower their families.

Notable Quote:
“Pick three, four or five of those action steps. Begin practicing them over the holidays. You're going to have plenty of opportunities.”
[21:00]

He expresses gratitude to his listeners for their dedication to personal growth and effective parenting, promising continued support in future episodes.

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Key Takeaways

• Assert Boundaries: Learning to say no is crucial for managing holiday stress and maintaining personal well-being.
• Embrace Imperfection: Letting go of the need for a perfect holiday can enhance family enjoyment and reduce tension.
• Encourage Independence: Empowering children to handle their own emotions and conflicts fosters resilience and self-confidence.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Taking care of oneself enables better support for the family.
• Seek and Offer Help: Building a supportive network is essential for navigating parenting challenges.

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By implementing these strategies, parents can transform the holiday season into a more peaceful and meaningful time for themselves and their families.

Transcript

[Kirk Martin]

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So how do you respond when your kids are bored over the holidays or they don't like their gifts? When siblings tattle on each? Or when your grown siblings fight during family get togethers? What are you going to do when holiday plans kind of go awry when family judges you? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our big Christmas [e-mail] Look, this is a really stressful time of year when you're pulled in different directions and some of you are so kind and thoughtful. You're sensitive, you're empaths, you feel the emotions of others and sometimes you can be a people pleaser, but that can cause you to take on too much. You constantly take the temperature of the home, sensitive to everyone's shifting moods, and maybe you have to be the mediator or referee between siblings or between your strong willed child and your spouse. That can be exhausting. It can cause adrenal fatigue and it causes an inordinate amount of stress. So let's work on that throughout the holidays. I want to give you some insight into when to say no and when to say yes to reduce some of the holiday stress, because that rhymes. So there's no particular order here, but I hope you can use These to enjoy your kids and family over the holidays. So some things to say no to. Look, feel free to say no to holiday parties and don't apologize for that. Don't justify it. You can just say, hey, we're overbooked, but we'd love to get the kids together after Christmas. Say no. For many of you, that is very hard to do because you don't want to disappoint people. And you know what? They went out of their way to invite you and it's kind of rude to say no to people when they're doing. I want you to practice that. Just even if it's one thing over the holidays, during this time, practice saying no because you're demonstrating respect for your own time and wishes. Otherwise you're just always going to try to please other people and you'll feel misunderstood and not heard and you'll be exhausted. Say no to the idea and the ideal of having the perfect Christmas or holiday. Let go of that. I know many of you, you grew up in that home where everything had to be just so. I want you to practice letting that go. Say no to trying to fix everything in your larger extended family. Don't get involved in all of that. It's okay to give people space to own their own dysfunction. It's not your responsibility to fix it or make it better. You can care about people without getting involved and trying to convince other people to make changes in their life. Because what I found is it just backfires and then they're frustrated at me and I'm frustrated at them. Say no to trying to make all of the details go perfectly. Who cares if Christmas dinner isn't perfect or if you forgot a couple ingredients or maybe that favorite. Look, I'll give you a challenge. I just kind of came up with this one. Purposefully do something imperfectly over the holidays. Maybe with that Christmas meal. Maybe don't make a certain dish that you usually make and who cares? Look, I want you to see that it's not going to ruin your whole holiday. So be okay with that. I'm telling you this is really important because if you are like that, you need to do everything like that. You're going to be on your kids all the time and it will backfire with the strong willed kids. Say no to getting kids everything they want for, for the Christmas or the holidays in general. I say no to a lot of stuff. I say yes to a lot of experiences and memorable traditions. That's what you end up remembering. Don't try to be the intermediator intermediary, or mediator for everybody else. You know what happens when you get together with families, even good families. It's kind of you, you get into little cliques and then there's all this gossip about and drama about other people. Don't talk about your relatives nonstop as some kind of game because you know how it is, we all kind of fall into that, oh, I really can't believe what Aunt Susan is doing. And it's kind of at times can be faux concern. It's really just, wow, their life is a train wreck. Let's talk about that because it makes us feel better about our own. Look, some of that can be therapeutic to do with your spouse. That's fine, but don't get caught up in all that drama taking sides. It is not my job to make everybody happy and manage everybody else's emotions and happiness and lives. Your Aunt Susie can handle it herself. You can be a good. You can support, you can listen, but try not to get caught up in that drama. Do not apologize to your kids if they didn't get everything they wanted. Just sit in their disappointment, right? Because they're going to complain about things and then you just very matter of factly say, well, you can earn some money. If you really want to buy that yourself, I've got a few ideas for how you can make some money and buy that yourself. But don't apologize when your kids are inevitably unhappy with their gifts. Also, don't lecture them about the need for gratitude and how hard you work to make money. Look, if you're buying your kids too much stuff, that's your issue. Stop doing it. So take back some control over that. But this is a really important statement. Let them own their own disappointment. Let them own their disappointment. It is their disappointment. It is not yours. Look, you can feel bad when your kids are unhappy, but do not give in to the anxiety and need to make it all better. And I'm going to address this more after the New year when we go a little deeper. But I want you to be free from managing everybody else's happiness and emotions. Ask your spouse to encourage you with this and reinforce, I am not responsible for other people's happiness, only my own. I am responsible to my kids, to my spouse, to other people to be patient and kind and thoughtful. But I am not responsible for their choices, for their happiness. See, when you try to change someone else's moods or behavior, it makes both them and you frustrated and unhappy. If you have our programs begin to work through the 30 days to calm and a straight talk for moms or the dad's programs. The most giving thing you can do is to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

[Advertiser]

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[Kirk Martin]

Because then your kids and spouse don't have to take care of your emotions and your exhaustion because you cared enough about yourself to do that yourself. That is a huge gift to your family to not feel compelled to lecture, to fix them, to be so upset that they have to walk on eggshells. So here's another one. Do not apologize for your child in front of your relatives. I want you to learn to be confident and if you didn't listen to it, go back and listen to the Thanksgiving message. How to handle Judgmental family During this time, don't apologize for your parenting. I want you to be confident that you know what you're doing, you have a plan and you're working it. And when your kids are throwing a tantrum or your own parents or Uncle Jack, just sit in it. Don't be moved by it. Remember, I'm going to drill this into all of you. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not determine determine my behavior. Because what that is really saying is it doesn't say I don't care. It says oh, I do care. But I care enough not to fix this for you and to try to make it go away because of my own discomfort. I believe in you. I believe that you are capable of handling your own disappointment. That is very liberating both for you and your kids.

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[Kirk Martin]

Okay, let's say yes to a few things as well. Look, I want you to do what is meaningful to you without needing to convince others that it should be meaningful to them. See, it's amazing to share things with your spouse, with your kids, but if you force it and try to convince people against their will, it pretty much guarantees their resistance. Look, if it's important for you to go to church, go to church. Soak it up. But don't try to get everyone else to care about what you care about it. You care about it. Prioritize it. That's how you lead instead of badgering people. And if they don't come with you wherever you're going, enjoy the quiet. Establish some individuality and some priorities for yourself. I want you to take time alone. I love at Christmas time, sitting out at night by the tree with the lights on.

[Co-host]

By myself.

[Kirk Martin]

I found it's great. Time for me to reflect on things, to think. And so I take that time by myself. Look, watch a Christmas movie you want to watch even if you do it by yourself, cry along with Jimmy Stewart if that's your favorite movie. I also want you to learn to say yes to asking for help. Ask for help from other people. And it's really hard. Especially well, all moms and dads, none of us want to ask for help. It sounds like weakness. Oh, I don't want to bug them. Think about what that says. Well, I don't want to bug them sometimes is I don't feel worthy of asking someone else to help me. Guarantee you after the new year we'll get into that because there's a big worthiness issue in a lot of this. I don't feel worthy unless I'm doing everything for everybody else, unless I earn that from my mom or my dad. And that carries over and it's a big trap. And I got this email from this mom and I wanted to share it. She said thank you in all caps for even saying it was okay to say I need help. In a world where it seems that asking for help and even being raised to say that was a weakness. It was a kind gift to hear. Even writing this to you, I'm fighting my own embarrassment and insecurity to state it out loud that I not only need help raising my strong willedness child, but I have to swallow my pride and say I need help financially as well. I've been listening to the podcast, either laying in bed to refuel or and give hope for a better tomorrow or I listen first thing in the morning when I wake up to try and forge the best path forward for my strong willed child for that day. And so what I loved about this mom emailing is it was hard for her to do this, to admit, I need help with this child and I want to get your programs, but I need help financially. See, we always honor that. The most important part of that is the fact that this mom stepped out of her comfort zone and actually helped ask for help. See, other people don't know you need help unless you ask for it. And there's a lot of confidence and strength in that, in saying, hey, I want to be assertive. Here's exactly what I need. And that's, you know, what my mom used. My mom was the sweetest human being on the planet. And at the end, near the end, she would say, oh, I don't want anything from you boys for Christmas. And I said, mom, that's a lie. I said if on Christmas morning everybody else was opening gifts and you had nothing to open, you would be hurt and angry and bitter. And she was so sweet. She said, oh honey, you're right. And I said, mom, that's a worthiness thing, right? Like we don't know. We want to get you things that you like but you won't tell us. And so we can't we have to guess. See, it's a really beautiful thing to be assertive and say, hey, here's exactly what I would like. Well, then you take the guessing out of it. Now, it doesn't mean spouses shouldn't come up with surprises and know your wife or your husband so well that you can come up with something really creative. But at times, you just need to be honest and straightforward. And so, look, if. If. If you really want to stop the power struggles in this coming year, you have a huge opportunity. Because I believe that 80% of power struggles are caused by our own anxiety. Because we're anxious about our child's future.

[Advertiser]

And that causes us to lecture and.

[Kirk Martin]

Badger them and get all over them, and then they shut down. Or it's our own control issues, because we all have control issues, and there's no blame or guilt in that. It's actually good news because you and I have complete control over changing ourselves but not changing others. So here's an idea for you. How many of you allow your kids to decorate the Christmas tree, but then you can't wait for them to go to bed so you can fix the tree and rearrange the ornaments and make it look nice and all symmetrical. So this Christmas, I want you to say, yes to practicing imperfection and working on your control issues. Say no to having the perfect Christmas tree. A few years ago, we got a Christmas tree. We put it up, and it was leaning just a little bit. And everything inside of me wanted to fix that because I grew up with a dad who was a perfectionist. And if you didn't do things perfectly, my dad would yell at me. All of his sons, he would yell at us. And that was deeply ingrained in me. And look, that can serve you well in parts of life because you're very conscientious, you follow through. You care about how things are done, but it will sabotage relationships. So. So practice imperfection. Let that tree not look perfect. And when other people come over, don't apologize for it. Don't blame it on the kids. You can do that this year. Next year, you just need to own it yourself. Yeah, I'm just practicing not being a troll freak. So let's practice that. Let's start expecting siblings to handle their own stuff. So when they're doing little squabbles, you could walk by and say, hey, guys, do you want me to fix this for you? Or do you think you're capable of working this out yourself and then walk out? Give them a chance to do that. Let's Say you have a child that comes in tattling on his or her brother or sister. Here's sometimes what I would say to those kids. Oh, thank you so much for telling me what your brother was doing wrong. I know you're doing that because you care so much for your brother and his heart and what's going on. And I'm sure if he was doing something that bad, he must feel really bad about himself. Hey, what do you think we could do for your brother? Is there something. Maybe we could go to the store and get something for your brother that would make him feel better. Now your kids will start to recoil because they're like, no, I was trying to get my brother in trouble and now you want to do something nice for him. That's kind of cool. Now you can take it a step further and say, hey, one thing I found in life is that when people tattle on others, when they gossip about others, when they judge others, it's because it makes them feel better about themselves because they're not confident and they're not mature. So if that's what's going on, I'm going to go outside a minute and if you want to come walk with me, I'll help you out with that. See, you're getting to the heart of the matter rather than, I can't believe that you're tattling onto your brother again. How many times have I ever told you, get right to the heart of it.

[Advertiser]

I would encourage you play the podcast.

[Kirk Martin]

A lot over the holidays. Listen, let your kids listen. Let your extended family listen to the podcast. If you have the program, send us their email addresses and we'll send them the programs so you can get on the same page. Page. It's a really cool thing. Tell your family how you're working on your own control issues, your own anxiety, instead of constantly, constantly complaining about the children. And you can always say to them, hey, I can see you have very strong opinions about my kids and about my parenting. So that means you want to help. Here is how you could help me immensely. And I have to throw this in here because I promised this kid that I would give him a shout out. Caleb, shout out to you. Here's a funny story. It's over Thanksgiving because the family had several hours to drive and the parents had gotten the Black Friday special.

[Advertiser]

They had downloaded the programs.

[Kirk Martin]

They were listening in the car, but they thought that their kids had their own earbuds in and they thought that they were watching movies, listening to music. Well, their strong willed son, Caleb Wasn't. He was listening to our strong willed child program. And what he said later that day was, who was that guy that you were listening to? He was describing me. That's what it feels like to be me. Can I email him? So, Kayla, because our kids are. Look, they're four going on 24, 13, going on 43. They're very comfortable in the adult world. Caleb actually emailed me, and we're having this great conversation back and forth, helping him understand the way he's made and how to use that to his advantage. And I'm being tough on Caleb. I'm like, hey, you got to stop with these tantrums and doing that all the time and learning how to control yourself. You've heard me talk to your parents about their own control issues. Let me give you some tools to deal with your own big emotions. And Caleb is owning it. That kid's gonna rule the world. So shout out to you, Caleb, I hope you get everything you ask for Christmas. So say yes to kids owning their boredom. Say no to being emotionally manipulated and blackmailed. Refuse to jump in and fix it stinks to be you. You can do that. You could say, hey, I've got a couple cleaning projects I could really use some help with. Yeah, they're going to balk at that. But my favorite is just to say, hey, you have this amazing creative and genius brain. I can't wait to see what you come up with to solve your own boredom. See, what I want to communicate is I believe you're capable of coming up with some great ideas to. To solve that yourself. That's cool. Do not apologize. I'm going to repeat this one. If they don't get everything that they wanted, don't apologize for that. And don't apologize when they're inevitably unhappy with their gifts. Practice that even matter of tone, matter of fact tone that we talk about all the time when you're disciplining. Short, sweet, very few words. And let me repeat this one again. Sit in imperfection. Why do you feel compelled to make everything perfect for everyone else at your own expense? And when your kids say, hey, we don't want to stay any longer at grandma's house, it's boring. Look, you can give them some options. You can even bribe them if you want. I'm a realist. Sometimes that's your best option. You just get through the day. I don't judge parents for that. But I'm also okay with occasionally saying, hey, everything isn't about you, or the world doesn't revolve around you. We're staying because this means a lot to your grandma and it's important. And in there, you're communicating. I believe you're capable of being selfless. I believe you're capable of seeing that this isn't about you and that as a family, we value doing kind things for other people. Now that's really cool. So let's do this. Let's practice. Pick three, four or five of those action steps. Things to say no to, things to say yes to. Begin practicing them over the holidays. You're going to have plenty of opportunities. Listen to the podcast with your kids. Let them listen to this stuff. If we can help you in any way, we will, because I have enormous respect for you digging in and doing the hard work. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.