← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Advertiser
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
Have you ever noticed that when you're in a rush or you're on edge or a little bit irritable, your tone changes and your child picks up on that and then you have more power struggles?
- [01:31]
Casey Martin
Right.
- [01:32]
Kirk Martin
That's why it's so critical to learn how to control yourself, control your own anxiety. Otherwise it creates like this powder keg of constant explosions. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to Casey, our son. C-S E Y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family, ages of kids, what are you struggling with? Look, tell me what your triggers are because that's part of what we go through a lot in this is trying to figure out what your triggers are and then developing a different response to those instead of always reacting to them. And I promise we'll get back to you usually pretty quickly. We try to give you some very practical tips. So that's what we do. So I want to share a few ideas from our 30 days to calm program. It's one of the flagship programs in the calm parenting package. And I want to share this because so many people, people have used this as kind of their first step and finally getting control of their own anxiety and control issues. Because, look, you already know this, but the only person in life that you can control is yourself. The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Otherwise you will constantly create these power struggles and escalate things with your tone by talking too much. So let's go through. I'm going to give you, I think three in this podcast. So here's one. It's called this. Do not get in the ring. Like the boxing ring. Don't get in the ring. Refuse to take the bait, right? At some point we have to make the conscious choice to stop engaging, stop fighting, stop arguing and negotiating with our kids. It never leads to anything positive. And usually they just own us. They're much better at us and they're persistent, right? And so we're trying to engage in this rational thing with an irrational or emotional child. I don't go in the courtroom, right? Like, if some 6 foot 4, 250 pound jack dude wanted to fight you, would you? Even if you were right and he was wrong. Now if you say yes, you're not very bright, right? Because you're going to get pounded. But that's what we do when we engage with our kids. So picture that tiny little guy, that sprouting teenager, as a huge monster of a guy. Don't get in the ring, right? And so here's something you can say to yourself, you can even say to your kids, look, I'm not going to fight with you. It's not my job and not what you need, right? I'm going to go pop some popcorn. I'm going to sit on the porch. If you want to come talk to me calmly, rationally, I'm all ears and I'll try to help you. And then you walk away, right? Casey. This is what I used to tell Casey. Casey, I don't feel. I don't fight people I love. I'm not really interested in who is right and wrong. What I want to do is help you solve the problem peacefully. Now, if you're up for that, I'm psyched to help and I'll talk all day long with you. But if you just want to argue not doing it, I refuse.
- [04:28]
Casey Martin
Right.
- [04:29]
Kirk Martin
I want you to practice this. Make it a policy in your home, right? Do you allow spitting at each other? Do you allow jumping on the sofa? No, it's kind of a family rule. So I make it a family rule that I don't argue with you. We can disagree, but I'm not going to fight Because I'd rather spend my time problem solving than get caught in this back and forth. And look, for some of you, you've got to watch this because you want to prove your point. There's a certain amount of pride or conceit that says, well, well, if I just explain it the right way, maybe I can convince them. Usually when you try to convince kids, it makes them more insecure and it causes them to fight even more. I'd rather have you lead confidently.
- [05:16]
Casey Martin
Right.
- [05:16]
Kirk Martin
And not take that bait. Here's another one. When you feel threatened, get out of the fight, flight or fright mode right now. Quick caveat. If you feel threatened physically by your spouse, leave and get help. There's no excuse for it. And your job is not to fix or help the abuser. It's to protect yourself and your kids from physical, emotional and verbal abuse. But let's take this kind of on a little bit more personal level. See, and I'll give you a recent example. When someone says or does something that feels like a personal attack, our natural reaction is to go into one of three modes. Right? Fight, we react angrily, accuse the other person. We do the flight, we. We run away. Withdrawal, don't deal with issue. I've done all of those. Right. Or we do. Or some people go into fright mode. We just shut down completely and it feels like depression. We're overwhelmed. We don't know what to do. Personally, here's my biggest trigger, really. When someone questions my intentions or believes the worst about my motivations, it sends me immediately into fight stage. So I'll share this example. So I'm working on this project and I get an email that says, kirk, why would I want to invite you to my church to speak? You don't answer my emails and you disrespect your father. I stopped recommending you to others. If you really read this and not by some automaton, you may call me now. My first reaction was. I can't say what it was, right? Blazing blank. You, pal. Why would I want to come to your stinking church, be around a jerk like you? That's my natural first reaction. It's the fight response, right? You get caustic, you attack. But that's why I didn't respond then, right? You've got to. Look, I'm an impulsive, emotional guy. I have learned as I've gotten older, if I just give it some time space, look where there's. I could go on a tangent on this.
- [07:19]
Listener
I won't.
- [07:19]
Kirk Martin
But you've got to give your strong Willed kids. Space. When you react right away, when you demand.
- [07:25]
Listener
I want an apology right now, young man.
- [07:28]
Kirk Martin
It never works.
- [07:29]
Listener
We need to talk about your attitude.
- [07:31]
Kirk Martin
Right now, young lady. It never works. Space. Give them space to process their own emotions. Lead them. Remember, use the motion changes emotion. So let's go through this. Number one. I felt threatened. He was threatening my integrity by judging and making accusations about my intentions. You're disrespectful. You think you're too important to actually read and reply to people's emails. He was threatening my reputation. See, those are hot buttons for me. I hate when people misunderstand or believe the worst about my intentions. Number two, I felt angry, indignant and upset. It bothered me. See, getting control of your anxiety doesn't mean you become some Zen master who doesn't feel anything. No, that's what alcohol does and we don't want that. So it's normal and healthy to feel strong emotions. Who is this guy to accuse me like this? See, it's the way that your brain lets you know there's a potential threat. So I want to feel emotions and I want to feel them acutely. I just don't want to react out of my emotions. Number three. Here's the difference. Although I feel these emotions, I do not allow them to control my response. I get to choose that. Although this wasn't his intention, I think the pastor would have been relieved if I had reacted right. Because it would have confirmed the narrative in his brain that I'm a selfish, disrespectful jerk. Number four. Here is where the 10 proactive strategies we go through in the 30 Days of Calm program and the 10 proactive and 10 reactive strategies make the difference. I make it a rule in life that I never respond immediately to people. Never. Not even when they pressure me. See, before responding, I went to the gym, I put myself in the pastor's shoes, and instead of reacting out of my anxiety, I responded to his need. Number.
- [09:23]
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- [11:06]
Kirk Martin
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- [11:08]
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- [11:36]
Kirk Martin
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- [11:38]
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- [11:53]
Kirk Martin
Your gut five when I slow my inner life down, I look outward. I get perspective. I'll tell you, after years of doing this, it is one of the great benefits of being calm is that it slows your inner life down so you can actually look outward and be giving toward people instead of needing them always to act the right way so you can deal with it right. History tells me people who make accusations typically do so out of pain and frustration, whether that's your kids or someone else that you know. See, only then could I think, wow, this guy must either be a huge jerk or he's really frustrated and that's why he wrote an email like that. Number six I think, what can I learn from this person? As I've gotten older, I'm learning this. I always try to learn something from someone that I disagree with or that I frankly just don't like because I can learn things from them, right? Honestly, inside, I didn't want to learn anything from him. I wanted to put him in his place. But maturity demands that you take the humble approach. So seven Rather than tear him apart, I replied, I want to learn from you. It would help me immensely if you told me specifically how I showed disrespect when I didn't return your emails, because then I can either apologize or clarify. And I made sure I addressed him as pastor instead of calling him by his first name or another name. So 8 his response was more gracious this time. Again, I was somewhat defensive, but I replied back and said, you are right. I could have been more respectful and I'm glad you brought that to my attention. See, bottom line, by the third reply, I discovered that this is a man who is overwhelmed with two children and a wife who have symptoms of adhd, ocd, odd, and more. So now we're having a really productive, respectful conversation to give him some concrete tools to help his kids. Number nine, I had every right to respond. I had every right to respond sharply in kind. See, this is the thing. I do this with dad dads, you're justified. Your kids are defined disobedient at times, and they're difficult and challenging. I'm not denying that. But you can walk away always feeling.
- [14:24]
Listener
Justified in how you're treating them.
- [14:27]
Kirk Martin
But it doesn't mean it's right.
- [14:29]
Casey Martin
Right?
- [14:30]
Kirk Martin
So you have the right to do it, but it doesn't mean that it works or it's productive.
- [14:34]
Casey Martin
Right?
- [14:35]
Kirk Martin
But if I had responded like that, it would have devolved into a greater misunderstanding. Two people feeling bothered, right? Believing the worst about each other, and it kind of ruins your day. It takes up a lot of your head space. We would have wasted time telling our spouses and colleagues about what a jerk this other person is. You've done that before. So have I. So let's stop it. Number 10 by allowing my defensive response to rule me, I would have created a terrible outcome. I would have missed out on some insight from him that I'll actually use in the future.
- [15:11]
Casey Martin
Right?
- [15:12]
Kirk Martin
And he wouldn't have gotten the help that I've been able to provide. See, we would have robbed each other of wisdom and robbed each other of building a stronger relationships just to prove that we were right. And it's one of the things that I go through from men a lot moms do, but a lot is letting go of your need to always be right. Took me about a year A full year to let go of that jerky thing inside of me. It's like I always have to prove my point, right? And your wife's never going to look at you and say, honey, you know, I'm so glad that I married someone who's always right. It makes me feel safe, right? It's just not how it works. So I hope that story kind of helps. So when this starts to happen, whether it's with your kids or your spouse or someone else, take a little time, respond differently. Now, here's one of my favorite calming tools, and it's called this. It's just very simple. Do the opposite, right? Do the opposite of what you normally do. Because look what you're doing right now. If it is creating power struggles and isn't working, why not do the opposite? Maybe you'll actually get a positive result, right? So it's pretty easy to remember. And it says, begin doing the opposite of what your anxiety is compelling you to do. See, I used to come home from.
- [16:30]
Listener
Work and I'd stomp through the house yelling, lecturing because there's Legos all over the floor and my son hadn't done his homework and why is he being so difficult?
- [16:38]
Kirk Martin
So I decided to do the opposite, which was come in and sit down and speak softly, ask questions, be curious about things, listen. Listen more than barking and talking, giving consequences. And so one of my favorite tools, which people think is too simplistic, I don't care. It works. Begin sitting. Every time you feel anxious or you're getting upset wanting to lecture, sit. Sit as close to the ground as possible. It's way more difficult to lecture and bus and yell when you're sitting on the living room floor or just in a chair. Plus, if you have little kids, you'll end up being too busy playing with your kids. But that act of sitting, it changes my tone of voice, changes how I see situations. Here are a couple other ones that I really started practicing because I was a road rage guy. I'm a tense type. I'm intense type, a kind of guy. In traffic, when I'm in a rush, I purposefully allow one person to cut in front of me. Not two people, not that good, just one, right? The post office. I allow one or two people to cut in front of me. Why? Because when I'm standing at the post office and they don't have enough workers.
- [17:44]
Listener
There and it's wasting my precious busy.
- [17:46]
Kirk Martin
Time, I'm tapping my foot and I'm just getting furious, I'm getting angry and everything becomes about me, it's all about.
- [17:52]
Listener
My day and how important my time is and how they're just holding me.
- [17:56]
Kirk Martin
Up and I miss out on relationships and it just makes me miserable. So when I allow someone to cut in front of me, a couple things happen. I'm taking back control of my anxiety by purposefully fighting it, by purposefully allowing someone to cut in front of me. And it ends up making that other person's day. You should see people's faces light up at the grocery store when you do that, wherever it is. And now I start having a conversation with them in the line, which helps it go more quickly and it just changes the whole dynamic, right? Give someone else a closer parking spot. Like, look, as a family, when we're feeling a little bit tight, right? And money's a little bit of a struggle, that's when we end up giving purposefully more because we end up seeing that others have it far worse than we do. Right? When you want to complain, practice gratitude, forgive. When you want to hold a grudge, see, think about what your anxiety is screaming at you to do and then do the opposite for the next week. Okay, so here's the deal. Our next step, begin to internalize these tools by practicing them as much as you can daily basis. And I want you to continue. And this is for those of you who have the 30 days to calm program and workbook. Continue to work through the first eight pages of the workbook, journal, make notes, just be little bullet points, right? Then when you're ready, move on to the 30 day calm challenge.
- [19:26]
Casey Martin
Right?
- [19:27]
Kirk Martin
And as you go through this and you identify your triggers, email me and I'll help you work through your triggers. I love doing that. Right, because this is, look, it's the same process I went through to learn.
- [19:39]
Listener
How to go from type a always upset, yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach, right.
- [19:44]
Kirk Martin
With my son in our home to what I do now. Right. So that's kind of why I created it. Right? So just carve out a few minutes a day and start to practice these steps like one by one.
- [19:56]
Listener
It's really cool.
- [19:57]
Kirk Martin
Some of it's hard work, but it's worth it because it will, look, it'll literally change you for the rest of your life. It'll change your relationships. It'll stop the power struggles with the strong willed child. Okay, if you need help with that, reach out to Casey. Celebratecalm.com you can go to the website, just get the, you could look, you could get the calm parenting package. And 30 days to calm is one of the 12 or 13 programs there. Or you can get that Get Everything package. You get everything. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey. Thank you for listening. Thank you for working hard at this. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Let us know how we can help you. Love you all. Bye.