Why Your Kids Aren’t Listening or Progressing - Calm Parenting Podcast

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: “Why Your Kids Aren’t Listening or Progressing”
Hosted by Kirk Martin
Release Date: November 6, 2022

Introduction

In this insightful episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, delves deep into the common frustrations parents face when their children seem unresponsive, resistant, or stagnant in their personal growth. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, ASD, and more, Kirk offers practical strategies to foster better communication and progress within the family dynamic.

Understanding the Core Issue

Kirk begins by addressing the prevalent issue many parents encounter: children not stepping up, being responsible, or simply not listening. He highlights a vicious cycle where increased parental pressure leads to greater resistance from children.

"The more you try to push these kids, the more they resist. The more you lecture, the more they stop listening."
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

Key Points:

Parental Pressure: Attempts to micromanage or control often backfire, causing children to shut down.
Control and Anxiety: Parents’ desire for things to be done a certain way stems from love but can inadvertently stifle a child’s autonomy.
Projection of Future Success: Parents often project their anxieties about their child’s future, leading to increased pressure and potential feelings of inadequacy.

The Downside of Micromanaging

Kirk elaborates on how micromanaging can impede a child’s natural progression and self-discovery. He emphasizes that children need the space to make mistakes and learn independently.

"Nobody likes to be micromanaged."
— Kirk Martin [01:20]

Illustrative Example:

Neurotypical Child vs. Strong-Willed Child:
- A neurotypical child progresses steadily with clear steps.
- A strong-willed child may show fits, spurts, and even regressions, especially when subjected to constant oversight.

"If you're there hovering over your child, he won't do it."
— Kirk Martin [05:30]

Embracing Autonomy and Responsibility

One of the central themes Kirk discusses is the importance of stepping back as a parent to allow children the space to grow and take responsibility for their actions.

"When we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves."
— Kirk Martin [08:15]

Strategies Suggested:

Clear and Concise Directions:
- Provide straightforward instructions and then allow the child to execute them without constant oversight.
Avoiding Immediate Intervention:
- Resist the urge to immediately correct or guide, giving the child the opportunity to process and learn independently.
Encouraging Exploration:
- Allow children to explore, make mistakes, and learn from their experiences without the fear of parental judgment or immediate correction.

Addressing Parental Control Issues

Kirk candidly discusses the control issues parents may unknowingly impose, often driven by their own anxieties and desire for their children's success.

"We have control issues and we're dumping all our anxiety."
— Kirk Martin [07:50]

Impact on Children:

Dependence: Over-controlling parents can create a dependency, making it challenging for children to function independently in adulthood.
Stunted Growth: Without the freedom to fail and learn, children may struggle with self-confidence and problem-solving skills.

Personal Reflection: Kirk encourages parents to work on their own anxiety and control issues, assuring them that such efforts will lead to thriving children and more enjoyable parenting experiences.

"If you put your effort into controlling yourself, your child will thrive more than he or she ever has."
— Kirk Martin [09:05]

Practical Applications and Takeaways

Kirk provides actionable advice for parents to implement immediately:

Create Space:
- Visual Reminders: Encourage parents to write the word "space" in prominent places to remind themselves to give their children room to grow.
Short and Sweet Corrections:
- Efficient Directives: Offer clear instructions without lingering or hovering, allowing children to manage tasks independently.
Celebrate Independence:
- Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise children for their efforts and successes, fostering a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance.

"I like how you did that. I wish I was a little bit more like you."
— Kirk Martin [09:45]

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Wrapping up the episode, Kirk emphasizes the profound impact that parental self-awareness and adjustment can have on a child's development. By reducing control and fostering independence, parents not only help their children progress but also enhance their own relationships with them.

"Instead of waking up every morning trying to figure out how to fix and control and manipulate them, you will be able to enjoy this discovery with them and stand on the sidelines and say, really cool. I'm really proud of you."
— Kirk Martin [10:30]

Kirk encourages parents to take advantage of available resources, including holiday sales and training programs, to better equip themselves in navigating these challenges and fostering a harmonious family environment.

Additional Resources and Support

Kirk invites listeners to engage further with Celebrate Calm through various channels:

Email Support: Casey@CelebrateCalm.com
Live Events: Opportunities for training sessions for parents, teachers, and children.
Downloadable Programs: Accessible through their new app for on-the-go support.

Empowering parents to create a supportive and autonomous environment for their children, Kirk Martin’s episode “Why Your Kids Aren’t Listening or Progressing” offers valuable insights and practical strategies to transform parent-child relationships positively.

Transcript

Kirk Martin (0:00)

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So how many of you are frustrated that your child is just not stepping up and being responsible? They're not listening, they're not doing things the them to do and you're concerned because it's like they're falling behind and you want them to progress so badly. But what you've probably found is the more you try to push these kids, the more they resist, the more you lecture, the more they stop listening, the more you try to get on them and show them and micromanage them, the more they shut down. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, which by the way, we welcome My name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. On this episode I'm going to give you an insight that's going to be very helpful for you. It's also going to be hard for you because you have a lot of control and anxiety issues right? Like we all do as parents. So welcome three Quick Things. If you need help, talk to our son Casey. You can email him. Casey c a s e y celebratecolm.com Three quick things again, huge sale going on because it's holiday time and so we want you to have these tools so that you can share them with your spouse, parents, teachers so that everybody's on the same page as we enter the new year. And when you get the programs, you can download them to this new app that we have, which makes it super, super easy to listen anytime, anywhere. So easy even I can use it. And thirdly, we're traveling at the early next year in the Pacific Northwest. It is rare that we get that far because it's so far from home. So if you are out west, even western Canada, contact Casey. Let's schedule something. We'll come do a live event, Train your teachers, train the parents, train the kids. Casey will do a school assembly, which is awesome. So if you need help, reach out to us. We'd love to help you. So let's go through this. You have picture this. You want your child to progress in a certain area. And what happens is we tend to lecture. We tend to try to show them, right? We think that we're teaching, but in essence, what we're doing oftentimes is micromanaging them. And nobody likes to be micromanaged. Now why do we do that one? We love our kids and we want the best for them. But inadvertently, what happens is we have control issues. We want things done a certain way, the way that we like it done, because it makes us more comfortable. And we. We also know it generally works, right? You're an adult. You and I are adults. We know the best way to do it. And so if our kids would just do it that way, it would be so much easier for them. But they don't want to do it the easy way. They're stove touchers. They want to figure it out themselves. We also have a lot of anxiety because we look at our kids and we think, oh, they're not progressing if they're so capable of doing so much more, if they would just apply themselves. And we project into the future and think, who is going to marry this child? Who would possibly hire this child? How are they going to be successful? And if they're not successful, does that mean I failed as a parent and my parents already me, and then that's going to come true, that I should have done it differently. And all these things weigh on you and they cause you to lecture and get on your child, and that causes your child to resist even more. So picture this. I do this at live events. It's a little bit easier because I'm physically. Can physically see me, but picture me. And I'm like, say, a neurotypical kid who kind of just progresses in a very steady way. He walks step by step down the aisle. Perfect. Easy. Very clear path. That child is going to do well in school, go to college, get a good job. Easy. Now you have a child who goes in fits and spurts sometimes, and even goes backwards at times when you push too much. But picture that child. He starts taking these steps. But if you're there hovering over your child, if you're even watching certain things, they won't do it. That's why correcting your child and their homework while standing over them doesn't work. It's why I give directions to kids. Hey, want these three chores done by 7:00 and then I remove myself. It's why I correct them. It's short and sweet. And then I give them space, space to process it themselves without me hovering over them. But picture this child and he's trying to make some steps forward. But if you're standing there, he won't do it. And here's why. Because as soon as that child starts to do something or do something new, he wants to figure it out on his own. He wants to try different things. He doesn't want to do it your way. And that's a good thing. You will often take that. And most men take this. Because dads, I am one myself, but most dads misinterpret everything as disrespect. And it's not disrespect. And I'm going to ask you as the adult to be the grown up, okay? And just not misinterpret everything as disrespect because they don't want to do it your way. I mean, why did you have kids? Do you just want to have kids? So they can just do what you say all the time and not have a mind of their own and not figure things out and not have the joy of discovery and being their own person? I know it's hard, but just think about that we fall into that trap. Well, we had kids so I could tell them what to do so they grow up and be just like me. Well, I don't want them to be just like you if you're like that. Right? I want them to figure it out themselves. And I want them to get. They learn. Kids learn by exploring, by being curious. The world changes for the better when we have people who don't do it the same way all the time. So we don't have to live in the Middle Ages, right? In medieval times. It wasn't so awesome back then. Simpler, but not that awesome. So while they start moving forward, they want to touch the hot stove and they want the freedom to fail. But watch this. This is good insight. If you're there watching. As soon as they take one misstep as soon as they try something new or different, we'll be there very quickly. Honey, you know what? Don't do it that way, do it this way because it'll save you some time, it'll save you some pain and I don't want you to have to go through that. And by the way, we don't have time for you to do this because we're over scheduled and we've got an agenda. We want it to work exactly like this. And I have control issues, so just do it like this. And then you know what they say? I'm out. And then they go backwards and they shut down and then they cross their. Picture them crossing their arms across their chest and you're like, he is so strong willed and pigheaded and defiant. And I would say yes, they are sometimes, but also sometimes you know what else is happening? You are the same way and you have control issues and you're dumping all your anxiety. This kid is trying to figure his own way out, which is what we ultimately want. Because when your child figures it out for himself, then he owns it for the rest of his life and he doesn't have to be dependent on you when watch that sometimes moms and dads, because inadvertently we're creating dependence on us, right? Well how's he going to go off to college if he never learned how to try things on his own and to fail and learn from his mistakes? So here's our phrase. When we step back as parents, it gives our kids space. Please write that word down on your heart and brain and really big letters and your refrigerator, just write down space so you remember every day, give your kids space. When you step back as a parent, it gives your kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When you step back from lecturing, when you step back from micromanaging, when you step back from controlling, when you step back from being responsible for your child, which is what all of that is. It gives them some space to learn to be responsible for themselves, to try new things, to fail and learn with it without you being there saying, you know what? I told you so. If you would have done it the way that I told you, you wouldn't have experienced that pain and difficulty. It would have. Who wants that in their life? And that's what we do. We do it out of love, right? Because we love our kids. But we still do it in a way that doesn't work and it backfires and it causes our kids to shut down and actually go backwards. So I'm asking you in this New Year, please get a hold. I'm not going to say it like that. Get a hold of these concepts. Work at it. Work on your own anxiety, your own control issues. I promise you, if you put your effort into controlling yourself, your child will thrive more than he or she ever has. And you will actually enjoy your child. Because instead of waking up every morning trying to figure out how to fix and control and manipulate them, you will be able to enjoy this discovery with them and stand on the sidelines and say, really cool. I like how you did that. I wish I was different. I wish I was a little bit more like you. I wish I was willing to try things differently and be uncomfortable and touch the hot stove. I'm really proud of you.