← Calm Parenting Podcast
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Kirk Martin
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This is a great Mother's Day gift and right now Skylight is offering our listeners throw $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcow.com calm go to skylightcal.com calm for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That's s K Y L I G H T C A L.com calm. You say no to your child. Maybe it's when they ask you to buy them something or to take them somewhere or or to do some kind of play date or sleepover and then your child gets upset and they're unhappy. Does their mood upset you? Maybe your child is in a bad mood, ungrateful or sad because they're disappointed something didn't go right, they didn't get to do a sleepover, their Lego project wasn't perfect. Is their unhappiness hard for you? Do you ever feel like fixing things to make it all better? Of course you do. But moms and dads, you are not responsible for your child's happiness. You're not responsible for their mood and you're not responsible for their gratitude. And I know some of you were triggered by the title of this podcast, so I'm proud of you for pushing through to get this far. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need any help at all, reach out to us. You can email our son, Casey. C A S e y celebrate calm.com Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? Ages of your kids? We get together as a family, we discuss it, we reply back to you personally and usually Very quickly, because that's what our mission is here. This is hard work and this podcast is going to be a hard one. But it's really important. So let's begin with this important caveat. I am not, not, not not talking about a child with depression or a mood disorder. A child who struggles with severe anxiety. Right? I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the dozens of instances a day that cause a child to be disappointed, frustrated, bored, or unhappy because things didn't go their way. Now, moms, you usually get hit with like a double or trippy triple whammy of guilt with this. When your child isn't happy or isn't grateful, well, you feel responsible, like you should fix it. We're like, you should have done something better as a mom so they would be happy or grateful. And then you also feel guilty because your child isn't grateful and they should be happy. Given that all you have sacrificed and done for them, how could they possibly not be grateful for that or be happy? Did you do something wrong in not showing them how to be grateful? See, it hits you from so many sides. And moms, you do so much. You carry so many burdens for everyone and everything. And my heart in this is, I want you to be free to love your child, to enjoy your child, to be connected to your kids, to enjoy being a mom without all that extra guilt and responsibility. It's too much, much to carry. So let's first acknowledge why this is so hard. I know many of you struggle with this idea and you struggle putting it into practice. And I can understand why. Because some of you were emotionally abandoned as kids and you swore that you'd never do that to your own children. And I admire and respect the tenacity of your love. Some of you grew up needing to manage others emotions to protect yourself from emotional and verbal abuse. And we've been through some of this on the recent podcast on what happens when you grew up with a traumatic background. This makes sense, right? That you would do that. Some of you had authoritarian parents who never listened to you. You were told to do things because I, because I said so. And, and you don't want to repeat that pattern, which is good. Some of you are empaths. You feel things deeply. So when your child isn't happy, you feel it deep within your body and soul and it literally hurts. And that empathic and empathetic quality serves you well in being a compassionate person, but it can really cause you to be entangled with your child's emotions. Some of you were raised in a dysfunctional religious home where you were shamed for not being happy or grateful. After all, if you prayed enough, if you really believed in God's goodness, then you wouldn't struggle with things. And that's a really evil, harmful thing to do and to teach kids. So watch that. Likewise, you may have been taught you are responsible for the state of another person's soul. And you know that doesn't work because you pressure them and they resist and everyone is unhappy. Look, most of you are listening. There's a lot of dads that listen, so thank you for listening. But most of you are moms, and this is unique to moms. I think since your child was born or adopted, you have been on call to meet their basic needs and happiness from the first time they cried, right? And I'll let a mom speak in her own words. Your child cries, and you must respond. And then, as the children grow, it's natural for parents to struggle to let go of the idea that we need to do something. When children express negative emotions. I feel deep responsibility for everything about my child, from their health, to putting their favorite snack in their backpack, to them not being looking disheveled, to having their assignments sent in, to staying on top of scheduling sports and doctor's appointments. So naturally, I feel responsible to help them feel happy and for them to be kind. And I get that because that's just deeply inbred. And you've had to do that since they were little. Look, some of you feel the need to diffuse a situation right away so your kids don't trigger the other parent, or so that the other parent so your spouse doesn't trigger the kids. Now, this is a different situation. We've dealt with this. I'll deal with it even more separate in a separate podcast. But for today's podcast, we're going to stay focused solely on breaking this pattern of being responsible for your child's happiness or moods. Now, look, I honor those qualities inside of you, and I want you to learn how to express your connection, your empathy, your compassion in ways that are more healthy for both you and your children. Because this can be a big trap. So we just moved into a new home with no landscaping, so we were thrilled to discover Fast Growing Trees. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. No more wasting your weekend driving around being overwhelmed by big garden centers that don't have what you want. 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Because as you know, it's connection and relationships that change behavior, not consequences. Those of you who are new here and you have a strong willed child, you know you're finding out this is what everybody, all of us who have been here for a while know. They don't care about consequences. And it's connections. Relationships change behavior. But I also want you to know this. You cannot possibly be responsible for your child's happiness, moods and gratitude without becoming entangled in an unhealthy way that ultimately robs your children of the tools necessary to handle the inevitable disappointments of life. See, because you say no to your child when they ask you to do something or buy you something and then they get upset and they're unhappy, or your child's in a bad mood, they're ungrateful, sad because something didn't go right. And here is the mom's dilemma. First you feel bad because you didn't do enough to keep them from being sad in the first place. And I get that, right, because you feel bad because in your head, here's what you're saying, this is not true, but it's this. If you had been a good mom, your kids would feel happier. And if you were a good mom and showing them, teaching them right, they'd be more grateful. So you did too much. So, right. And now it's like you get hit because you did too much and now they feel entitled, but you didn't do enough because you didn't inculcate in them the appropriate gratitude. Right? It's a trap. Because watch how this works. You sometimes need your child to be happy to validate that you're a good parent or that your child is actually okay. And see, now it becomes this vicious cycle where your child either has to pretend so that you can be happy, or your child uses this to get your intense connection. Because see, when everything's okay, you don't react as much. But then when they're really sad or really disappointed, well, then you jump in. And now you've got 300% of empathy, the daily recommended allowance of empathy or compassion. Right? And now they use that. And sometimes they will simply do what all humans do, seek the easy way out because your child can manipulate your emotions so you fix things for him or make things all better, which further weakens your child. So I want to go through and answer some very common sentiments expressed from some really great moms in response to recent Facebook posts. And you can find us on Facebook at Celebrate Calm. So this isn't the main one, by the way, but I wanted to include this kind of for fun and because you will need to address this within yourself, this is kind of a corollary. Other people must think that I'm a bad mom or think that my kid has a problem when he or she hangs on to negative emotions. So I want all moms and dads to know this. If you have a strong willed child, you are going to be judged a lot by friends, by teachers, by schools, by your own parents, by your own siblings, everyone, because they don't get how difficult this is. You are going to have to develop a gracious eff you attitude toward other people's judgments with a strong willed Child, no matter how good a parent you are, you will always look like a bad parent. Because this child is not going to be immediately obedient. They're going to be more emotional, right? And they're not going to listen the first time. They're not going to, they don't want to do things your way. It's always going to look different with this child. And because they're going to be more challenging and more emotional, it's just going to make you look like you're a bad mom or a bad dad, right? And so what I want you to know is that's not true. You're really good mom, you're really good dad. It's just that that spouse who's judging you or that school or your in laws or friends, they're just being bad humans. So develop a little thicker skin, hang on to the long term. Knowing that what you're doing with this strong willed child and raising them in a different way because they're different, it's going to work. So I want you to know that it's just not going to always look very pretty in the near term. Okay, here was. There's two main sentiments and questions that I got from moms and dads that I want to address. So here's the first one. It is the feeling that if my child is unhappy or ungrateful, I am doing something wrong or not doing a good enough job as a mom. So let me repeat that, see if you identify with this. If my child is unhappy or ungrateful, then I must be doing something wrong or I'm not doing enough as a mom. And so my counter to that, and I say this with compassion towards you moms and dads, is who gave you that power over other people to determine their moods and who put that awful responsibility on you to somehow make your child happy? This is a lie. It is a horrible expectation to put on yourself and to put on your child. And it denies human nature. Being unhappy, angry, ungrateful, disappointed, frustrated, jealous and mad are completely normal and they're completely healthy. Within a range, right? This is kind of like when your husband dismisses your emotions, tries to shut them down. See, the more honest response of a husband and I learned this is, look, I'm immature and I feel powerless when you express these emotions. So it makes me really uncomfortable. That's why I dismiss your emotions. I try to talk you out of them, honey. I say that you're overreacting or I try to convince you that everything's okay so you don't have these emotions. I don't want to do that to our kids. I want us to allow our kids to experience these emotions. Right? And you can respond to those emotions with compassion and you can listen and you can be connected. But I don't want you to own their emotions. I don't want you to become one with their emotions. I don't want your first instinct to be, oh, I did something wrong, I need to fix this. No, I don't want you to do that because that's a huge trap. And then you're going to put pressure on yourself and your kids. When I can let them experience these emotions now, I can show them how to deal with disappointment and frustration and anger and jealousy and all of these things in healthy ways. And that's what your real goal is, right? That's what your real goal is. It's to teach them long term how to do this. So second question, sentiment. Mom's right. If my child is unhappy or ungrateful, then there's something wrong with my child. See how we shift that around? This is a really nasty little thing that we do. First it's like, well, he should be happy I'm doing something wrong. And then we flip to, well, if they're unhappy or grateful, then something's wrong with them. Lack of gratitude, right? They focus too heavy on the negative. Now we're essentially blaming a kid for having normal emotions. And this is very much, very kin to those in conservative religious circles. And look, to be fair, also in kind of like New age spirituality circles who convey this well, if you just prayed enough, if you just meditated enough, if you just read enough scripture, if you had enough faith, if you just held space for the spirit, well, you wouldn't be struggling. See, it happens in all matters of faith. I'm not just picking on one. We all do this in these areas, right? If you just. See, we put it back on us. If you just did this enough, you wouldn't be struggling. We do not want to reinforce this with our kids. I want to normalize it so they don't feel shamed and so they don't feel like something's wrong with them. This is why one of my favorite phrases to use with kids or any other human being. Of course you're disappointed. I would be as well. Of course you're struggling with that. Of course you feel that way. Of course. Right? You're normalizing it. You're not leaving them there. We've been through this in many, many podcasts of how to handle this. But it's normalizing it for them so that then you also what this does. It also helps you from feeling like you have to fix it, jump in and fix it really quickly because now you're even normalizing it for yourself. Oh, so my child's unhappy because he didn't get his way. Well, that's pretty normal human behavior. That happens a lot. So of course you're disappointed. Just be mindful about needing your child to need you so much. It's a really tricky little thing to manage. So I want you to be aware of it because sometimes we develop. I hate the word codependent, right? Because it becomes like a buzzword and it loses its meaning. So I like using the word entangling. Be mindful about needing your child to feel a certain way so you can jump in. And now you get to feel like the hero. Just watch that. It's not a healthy thing. So if you've done too much for your kids, if you can't say no, if you don't allow them to feel disappointment trying to fix it, then you will create some measure of entitlement. And this happens a lot with really good parents. I just, I did a phone consultation, I'm working with this just the other day with a new couple. And sometimes my phone consultations are like. Sometimes it's like a dad who's like, you know, I do my Kirk dad voice, right? Always upset, yelling at the kids. In this case, it was both mom and dad had always looked for ways to keep their kids happy because sometimes that's easier in the moment because they don't melt down, they're not unhappy. But now they've got kids who literally don't know how to handle any disappointment. So we're actually working on saying no and not being like no. You know, you're in it because it's not fair to go to a kid that we, a child who we've trained to do this and then say, you know what, you're entitled. Well, it's like, no, you kind of co created that dynamic. So we'll just start working on this. So there's, look, there's no guilt, no blame, wherever you are in this. I just want us to be honest about where we are. And then let's just start practicing changing that and doing it differently. So you can't blame your child for this. Just start practicing saying no and sitting in their disappointment with you. And look, I share. I actually had to make myself do this. I've recounted many of the stories in our different programs, but One in particular was when Casey and I were. We were in the midst of rebuilding our relationship because I nearly destroyed my relationship with Casey a few years earlier. And now it was like we were bonding and we were close, but this situation had come up. And as a good parent, the responsible parent, I had to say, I didn't have to. Let me change the wording. I chose to say no to him getting together with some friends. Why? Because I was trying to be a responsible parent. I knew this was going to be a flashpoint for him. I. I knew he was going to be mad at me. And here I am, a grown man sitting in. I remember exactly where this was. And this had to have been 17 or 18 years ago. And I remember it. I remember the feeling. I'm feeling it right now, sitting in a Taco Bell drive through, wrestling inside my head, my heart. Well, if I say no, what if this triggers him and we go back to being at odds with each other and. And we had worked so hard to kind of rebuild this, and I was afraid I was going to blow my shot at a close relationship with my son for the rest of my life. See how we do that? We project into the future and our anxiety kicks in and all these irrational thoughts will pummel you. And I started thinking, do I really need to say no? Can I figure out a way around this discomfort? But I made that choice. Sitting. I remember sitting in there in that car, in that suv. I remember what kind it was because it was such a turning point. And I told Casey no. And he was silent at first, but fuming inside. And like your kids, Casey is and was very strong willed. And I could see kind of like that in the cartoons with that bull where he's snorting and the breath is coming out of his nose. And I could see Casey do that. Just horrible holding back. And he's got a very strong kind of dominant personality. It was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever had. But we made it through, and as I've documented elsewhere, we rebuilt our relationship. I encourage you to trust in yourself, to think long term. Looking back, that moment helped define our relationship throughout the teen years because I had to develop that. This was a breakthrough moment. Another one was when we were at a huge standoff over something major. And I finally asked Casey, do you trust me? Do you trust that I have your best interests at heart? And he nodded. He reluctantly gave me a fist bump and he walked away dejected. And I had to sit there on the sofa in the living room watching this boy, this young man walk away from me, dejected, knowing he wasn't happy with me. And that's a big trigger for me because my prevailing thought from childhood is my dad was never happy with me. And then as you get into your later years, you develop faith, then guess what? You start to internalize. Well, obviously, God's not happy with me either. And I'm trying to deal with that on that alternative Christian podcast thing because it gets deep. Those things are deeply entwined in us, and then they get deeply entwined in our parenting as well. So I'm watching this kid, this young man, walk away from me, and I knew he wasn't happy with me. And that was a huge trigger. And inside, I wanted to make it better. Casey, come here. Come here, come here. Just hug your dad. Come on. We can make it better. Come on. Why don't we go get some ice cream? I wanted to fix it, but I didn't. And I sat in it, and I encourage you to sit in it. And you know what happened later? Casey came down, he sat down, and we watched a movie together. And it ended up being a beautiful moment, but it began with me being able to say no, to build trust, to not take ownership of his emotions in that moment. It's hard stuff, moms and dads, but I believe you can do it. So do watch out for the following dynamic. After all I do for you, and you can't even set the table or pick up your clothes or feel grateful. See, that resentment comes because you do too much for your kids. You haven't learned how to be assertive about your own needs, so you do everything for everybody else. And then when they don't respond appropriately, you guilt or shame them. This is a manipulative tool that you've learned probably from your own parents. Watch what it sounds like. No guilt, no blame. Moms, dads and dads just realize we do this because I do so much for you. You owe me. See, that's the passive aggressive flip side of the parent who uses fear and intimidation to control a child's behavior. We're ultimately trying to control a child's emotions and behavior because that makes us feel better in some way. Right? That's either you do what I say or there's going to be hell to pay. Or it's, you know what? I do so much for you, and I can't believe that you. They're both the same thing. So if you have our programs, I'm just going to encourage you. Listen to from moms, the straight talk for moms program because we go through all of this in great detail. There's also for dads listening, there's a dad's program. Just listen to that one first. I want to relieve you of this burden, of the guilt, of the resentment. So how can we begin to break this pattern? One, I encourage you, stop, slow down. Don't jump in immediately. Give yourself permission to slow down, to not fix everything. Literally give yourself permission, talk to yourself like that. I don't have to fix everything in our home. This can be emotions, this can be situations. Give yourself permission to handle this differently than you have in the past. Give yourself permission to take your time and not react immediately. Number two, Acknowledge that it's unpleasant and you don't like seeing your child unhappy. See, you're normalizing this for you because it isn't pleasant. It is hard. It's not easy doing this. Number three, recognize what's happening inside of you. Is there guilt? Well, if it's my child, then I'm a failure. And I want you to begin speaking to that and countering that very strongly. Say, no, that's not true. I'm not taking that burden on myself. That's a lie. No, Right. If my child's unhappy, I did something wrong. Acknowledge that's false. No, that's not true. Acknowledge the past trauma that triggers you in these different ways. Number four. Reassure and speak to yourself that you're not being unconcerned, you're not being cold, you're not being disconnected. Not at all. Get comfortable with human nature and the realities of life. Just because you don't fix it does not mean you're a bad parent. Not at all. It does not mean you're abandoning your child emotionally. Doesn't mean you're not being compassionate. You're a good mom or dad. You love your child more than anything in the world. You're listening to a parenting podcast in which I challenge you. You're a good parent. The people who aren't good parents don't listen to this podcast. So send this to them and say, hey, listen, I'm kidding. Do 5. Do not take this personally. I know you hurt when your child hurts. I still hurt when my 30 year old son hurts. Why? Because I'm a dad. Because you're a parent. You're always going to feel this. It's not ever going to stop. Feel it. But don't get entangled in their emotions. Numbers. And by the way, don't take it personally. Stop blaming. Stop blaming yourself. Some of you. And part of it is that really intense religious upbringing is all about that guilt of like, oh, it's your fault. You need to look inside about everything's your fault, and you do it with your marriage. I just got an email right before I recorded this from a wife. Oh, I'm trying to be a godly wife, trying to submit to my husband. I'm trying to do everything right. And guess what? The husband is doing literally nothing. And the husband's supposed to have the harder job to lay down his life for his wife. And almost every single email that I get from a mom, I'm trying, I'm doing my best, I'm doing everything. And you've had that. And all it leads to is guilt for you. And you get taken advantage of because you keep doing that and nobody steps up for you. And that's why I want you to learn how to be assertive, and I want you to learn how to be confident. It's a really beautiful thing to have for the rest of your life. And that's breaking a generational pattern. Here's number six. Here's a really. This is the most important question to ask yourself in this situation. What is best for my child right now? What is best for my child? No guilt, no blame. But sometimes our reaction is really something to satisfy us, to help make us feel better, because we really hurt when our child is unhappy. So you have to take that long view of what's best for my child right now. So we take this out of reacting to your needs and focusing on what's important to your child. And that's when you say, the most compassionate action I can take right now is to teach and show my child how to deal with disappointment, with frustration, and to deal with boredom in life. It's not to go in and fix it and make it all better. It's how to normalize it and then teach them how to do it. Number seven. One of my favorite phrases is, oh, you know what? I believe you're capable of handling this. I love using that phrase with other human beings. Because you're imparting confidence to your child. Of course, of course you're disappointed. Of course you're frustrated with that situation. Of course you're bored. But I believe you're capable. Right? Boredom is. I believe you're capable of using that really great imagination of yours to come up with something different to do right now. But it's not my job to fix boredom for you because then I'll end up handicapping you in life. Right? But I believe you're capable of Handling this because I've seen you do it before. See, there's something very empowering about that. And that's what I want to do, is empower my kids to learn how to deal with real life. And that's related. Number eight, do not rob your child. You are robbing from your child to fill sometimes your empty basket. When you jump in and become responsible for their happiness, you rob your child of learning the tools and skills to handle the inevitable disappointments of life. And I don't want to do that. This is a weird 1. Number 9. This is weird, but maybe it'll speak to you. Seek joy over comfort. Let me say it in a different way. Seek long term joy over immediate comfort. And this is odd, but kind of roll with me here. When we get all entangled emotionally with our kids, it provides a certain amount of comfort. We are, in some ways, if you, in some circumstances, we're actually seeking to comfort our own inner child that didn't receive it by comforting our own child. Now, that's a normal reaction, but it's not healthy in the long run. So sometimes by jumping in and fixing it, it gives us that immediate comfort of like, oh, it's better. He feels better. She's not sad anymore. I feel better. But what I really want you to focus on is joy long term. The joy that you will experience when you give your child tools to deal with their emotions. Because when they do and you're able to say, you know what, that was awesome how you handled that situation. I can tell you as an older parent now, one of my joys in life is watching my son navigate life and handle different circumstances. I'm like, that, that was cool. I'm proud of how you handled that. So seek the long term joy. You're going to have to go through a little bit of wrestling and teaching and discomfort, but at the end of that, your child now is able to handle disappointment, frustration, and things going wrong. That's really beautiful. So here's number 10. Here's a distinction. See if this helps too. You are not responsible for. Let's just take your spouse. You are not responsible for your spouse's happiness. This is a little bit easier to conceptualize, right? Because you're married to a grown human, right? And if I was like, well, you're responsible for your spouse, your husband being unhappy today, you'd be like, no, I'm not. He's a grown man. If he hasn't figured out his happiness by now, I don't know how I can handle him. You're good with that, because that's too great a pressure to put on yourself and your spouse. Because if you're responsible for your spouse's happiness, what are you going to do? You're going to talk to them all the time. You're going to try to fix them. You're going to make all these suggestions and all these things, and you're going to make yourself and your spouse very miserable. And that would actually be demeaning to your spouse. So you're not responsible for your spouse's happiness. You're responsible for your own and taking care of yourself. But you are responsible to your spouse to be kind, to be thoughtful, to be a good listener, to be supportive. But also this one, you're responsible to your spouse to speak honestly to them. Because if you just bury all of your resentments and don't speak up, and then you become resentful, see, that's not fair to your spouse. That's not fair to you. So I can't make my spouse happy. I'm responsible for my emotions and my happiness. And I'm responsible to my spouse to be loving and kind and thoughtful and to be assertive and to tell them exactly what does make me happy and what I need and what I want. Because now they have a choice. I don't expect my spouse. You can't expect your spouse, like, well, they should just know what I really makes me happy and what I want. That's not fair to do. Speak up about it. They're not mind readers, but that's for another time. Likewise, you're not responsible for your child's happiness. You are responsible to your child. You're responsible to model how to handle disappointment, frustration, life. You're responsible to your child to listen well, and you're mainly responsible to teach them how to handle hard situations so they have the skills to manage their lives independently without always relying on you for the rest of their lives. So let's do some practice this coming week. I want to practice breaking this pattern. Let's do it in a maybe easier way. Do it with extended family. Do it. Just learn even to say no to your own mom or dad. It's not always easy because then they guilt trip you over it, right? Say no to one of your friends. Say no. You know what I'm practicing? I'm starting that this new year as well. One of my things this year is I don't want to commit to things that I really am not passionate about and that I really don't care about. And so one of the first things I did is actually on New Year's Day is email this organization and say, hey, I don't want to be part of this effort that you have and these different parts, I don't want to be part of it. I appreciate your mission, I love what you're doing, but I'm not going to be part of it. That was really hard for me in some ways because I want them to like me and I wanted them to respond back and say, it's okay, Kirk, we know that you're really busy. They didn't respond back at all. But see, I'm not responsible for how they handle it and their emotions. I was only responsible for to them to be honest and to tell them what I really wanted. And I did. So practice that with some people. When you have a family get together, do you ever feel overly responsible to make sure everything goes well and that everyone is happy? See, that's too much pressure on yourself and it's too much pressure on everybody else. So I want you to purposefully relax. Do not take over the situation. Some of you, because of your childhood, you take over every situation. And I get that. Practice not doing it. Don't try to make your uncle or someone else happy. They have to own their own emotions. I encourage you to purposefully step back and let other adults own their own emotions without you carrying that a burden. It's too much. And here's a question to ask yourself. Have you noticed that no one really looks after your emotions like you do for others? And that's a little red flag that you're protecting yourself from being vulnerable and letting others serve you. So you don't do that, do you? Because I don't either. It's something I work on too. So it's making yourself say, I could really use help. Because when you do that now you're vulnerable because, well, what if they don't do it and it makes you really uncomfortable? Just be aware of that pattern that nobody else looks after your emotions like you do for others. And that's a little thing to let you know, to step back, let others serve you, actually ask for help and let others do kind things for you. It's a worthiness issue. You're worthy of it. Moms and dads. So practice it. Okay? When your kids are upset, I want you to master this even matter of fact tone. I know it sounds cold to you, but it's critical. When I talk to a child when they're upset, when something's going, oh man, I'd be really frustrated too. And I start to talk like that, it says this, I'm listening, I hear you. But I've also been through this and I'm not going to act like this isn't normal. I've experienced this before. I can handle it. And I know you can handle it. There's something really powerful and settling about the even matter of fact tone. You can say, hey, you know what? I know you're frustrated, you're hurt right now. You're disappointed. I would be as well. You acknowledge that what they're feeling is real to them and it's normal. Kids need to know that being sad, unhappy, disappointed and frustrated is very normal. By the way, with the gratitude thing, chill with that. Live your life with gratitude. Model gratitude in everything that you do. Your kids will end up growing up and being grateful people. I promise, if you model it, they will do it. But you can't lecture them all day. You know, you just need to be more grateful. When we were kids, we didn't have. Stop that. Just live with gratitude. Your most important lecture is just what you do. I'm watching this weekly unfold with Casey. At his age to watch like, yep, he's doing it now. Yep, he's doing it now because we modeled it for him. When. Watch this trap. When you react and overreact too sweetly and with that really concerned voice and that concerned look on your face, it reinforces to the upset child that it's not normal for them to be upset and that they can't handle it. Right? Just, just watch. There's something about that of like, oh, honey, I can see that you're really upset. You kind of feel compelled to go in there and you start to get entangled with it. I want you to make yourself available to them. Be connected, but don't fix it sometimes. Let them come to you. You can still comfort your child, but you're also giving them space to process and you're leading them to problem solving. Instead of jumping right in all the time, just start praying, practicing that. Because I do want your kids coming to you when you do that. So I try to lead to problem solving, right? Of like, hey, what do you think you could do about this? What do you think your next step is? Or I've got some ideas, I have some different ideas of ways to handle this. And if you want to come help me in the kitchen or I've got to go for a drive, I'm going for a walk. I'd love to listen to you and I'd love to problem solve with you or sometimes, you know what it is, I just like to listen to you and let you get this out. And I won't even try to fix it and I won't even try to problem solve, but it's not jumping in and trying to fix everything and taking that on themselves. So what I don't want to do, or I guess what I do want to communicate, is I'm not going to fix this for you and make everything better. Because I believe that with the right tools, you're capable of handling this situation really well. You're engaged, you're connected, you're. You're validating that they're upset and disappointed and frustrated and that their emotions are valid, but you're not trying to fix it. By the way, this just hit me. You don't always like it when your spouse tries to fix your situation or your mood, do you? You don't like them to fix it. Well, if you were honest, you would say hubby or wife. But I'll use this because this is most of the time what happens. Wives, you look at your husband and you say, I've had a bad day and here's what I need. I just need you to listen to me and let me vent. Let me get this out. But you don't have to fix it, right? That's a very beautiful thing to say to your husband. What I need right now, for the next three minutes, for the next seven minutes is for you to give me eye contact and for you to put down everything you're doing and just listen to me as I tell you about my day. But I release you from this hubby. You don't have to fix it. I just want you to listen to me. And what you really want is for your spouse to validate that what you're going through is normal, that it is hard raising children, that what you experienced at your office with another employee or a co worker or your boss, that that's really hard without him trying to. Well, maybe you talk to your boss about. No, you just want them to listen. So sometimes that's all we need to do for our kids is just to listen and validate and say, yeah, that's. That hurts. When your friend, when someone you thought that was your best friend says something hurtful that wounds you, that hurt, that's going to hurt for a while. See, that perspective lets them know that, that it's okay for them to feel hurt for a while because their best friend stabbed them in their back or said something hurtful. See, when I do that I'm not trying to fix it. I'm letting them know, man, that really hurts. What usually happens is that's calming itself because they're like, okay, so there's nothing wrong with me feeling this way. No, you got betrayed. That's one of the hardest emotions to deal with your entire life. And so they can sit with it for a while, then they'll come back to you and say, mom, what do I do? Dad, what do I do? Because this person was my best friend and now you can problem solve with them and you can talk it through, and that's what you really want. You're leading and you're showing. So I want you to practice this over and over again. This is just kind of one script, one way to handle it. If you have the calm parenting program, go through the different scripts we provide. Keep practicing them, share the programs. I've got one more step, but share the programs with your spouse. It's one of the beautiful things about that new app that we have, makes it really easy to listen to the programs. And all you have to do is email, say, hey, can you provide this to my spouse or to my own parents? And we're happy to do that. I'll provide the ADHD University program to your child's teacher because that will help your teacher immensely. So, look, your kids are going to be happy several times, unhappy several times a day. It's okay. You're not responsible to fix that or make it better. You're just not. It's a huge trap and it's really unhealthy. So let's break that. So when they do things well, though, and I'll kind of end with this, affirm your child and yourself when they handle this well. Hey, you know what? I'm really proud of you for how you handle that situation. Shows me you're growing up, man. You were really frustrated earlier today, and I noticed over the course of the day you worked through that. It's really impressive. You can even ask them, like, how did you do that? Because that was really well done. Give intensity to that. Give intensity to them doing things well because they're used to getting your emotional intensity when they're upset, when they're frustrated, when they're mad at you. So I want to give them intensity, intensity when they problem solve and handle this because you're giving your energy to them when they handle situations well. And that's a beautiful thing. So moms and dads, I believe you're capable of doing this. This is the compassionate thing to do. For your kids. You're modeling how to handle your own emotions. You're acknowledging that their emotions are real and valid. You're empowering your child to deal with their own emotions in a healthy, constructive way so they won't repeat the same pattern with their spouse and kids. And now you because you're a courageous person are breaking this generational pattern that you got from your childhood. And I'm proud of you for working so hard at this. So if we can help you with anything, reach out to us. C A S E Y reach out to caseyelebratecolm.com reality is I'm probably going to read the email first because I read everything that comes through Celebrate Calm because it's my company because I care and that's our mission. So if we can help you, let us know. Love you all and if you find this helpful, please share the Calm parenting podcast with other people. Hey, thank you. Talk to you later. Bye.