You Did What?! Disobeying & Lying About It

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: "You Did What?! Disobeying & Lying About It"

Release Date: March 10, 2024
Host: Kirk Martin, Founder of Celebrate Calm

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Overview

In the episode titled "You Did What?! Disobeying & Lying About It," Kirk Martin delves into effective strategies for parents dealing with strong-willed children who exhibit disobedience and dishonesty. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, Kirk, alongside his co-host Casey Martin, provides actionable steps to transform power struggles into opportunities for growth and connection.

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Scenario Setup

Kirk introduces a common yet challenging situation many parents face:

"Do you have a child who ever just does stuff without your permission, Right? You're like, why would you do that, right?" [01:20]

He narrates a specific instance where a child trades trading cards for a pair of Jordan sneakers, subsequently lying about the transaction. This scenario sets the stage for exploring effective parental responses.

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Option 1: Traditional Parental Reaction

Kirk outlines the typical parental response to such situations:

"Most of us, option number one is what most of us would do. We'd be waiting for that child to come home. Because when he got home from school, we'd be standing there upset, arms folded, wanting to lecture, to ream him out for all of the bad decisions, for lying, for the deception." [01:43]

He criticizes this approach for being reactive and fear-driven, leading to damaged relationships without addressing the root causes of the child's behavior.

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Option 2: The Calm Parenting Approach

Instead of the traditional response, Kirk and Casey advocate for a proactive and empathetic strategy comprising 10 concrete action steps. Below are the detailed steps with notable quotes and timestamps:

1. Control Your Own Anxiety [04:06]

"Instead of reacting, lecturing, confronting your child, you slow your world down inside." — Kirk Martin

Kirk emphasizes the importance of managing parental anxiety to prevent hasty reactions. This internal regulation allows parents to approach the situation calmly and thoughtfully.

2. Don't Take It Personally [05:22]

"How many times do we escalate situations because we get offended that our kids deliberately lied to us? And then we project into the future about the child becoming some deceitful reprobate no one can trust." — Kirk Martin

Understanding that children’s dishonesty often stems from impulsivity rather than malice helps parents maintain perspective and avoid personalizing their child's actions.

3. Celebrate Positive Actions [06:40]

"After school, make a big deal out of the Jordans. Seriously, when your child comes home... ask him why he likes them so much." — Casey Martin

Instead of focusing solely on the negative aspects, parents are encouraged to celebrate the child's initiative and smart decision-making, reinforcing positive behavior.

4. Ask How the Deal Was Made [08:14]

"Ask him how he made the deal. He engaged in a business negotiating, trading. Hey son, so what did you have to give up to get these?" — Kirk Martin

By inquiring about the negotiation process, parents can affirm the child's business acumen and foster a sense of accomplishment.

5. Explore Other Desires and Smart Acquisition Methods [11:42]

"Number five, let's talk about other things that he wants or needs, and smart ways to get them are there." — Kirk Martin

Encouraging children to think critically about their wants and the methods to achieve them promotes resourcefulness and financial literacy.

6. Pivot to Reflect on Actions [13:01]

"At some point, pivot and ask this, okay? So is there anything at all about this situation that you would do differently?" — Kirk Martin

This step invites self-reflection, allowing the child to recognize areas for improvement without feeling attacked.

7. Apologize and Own Your Part [14:59]

"Now you can apologize and own your part in this if necessary." — Kirk Martin

Acknowledging any parental overreactions fosters mutual respect and opens the door for honest communication.

8. Give a Consequence Without Personalization [14:59]

"Give a consequence but don't make it personal and don't think it's going to be the most important part." — Casey Martin

Consequences should be related to the behavior, not the child’s character, ensuring they understand the impact of their actions.

9. Use the Situation to Problem Solve [15:40]

"Use this as an opportunity to problem solve by role-playing the situation." — Kirk Martin

Role-playing helps children practice honest communication and effective problem-solving skills in a safe environment.

10. End the Evening by Celebrating [17:30]

"End the evening by celebrating him. He made a smart deal. He took something he didn't value anymore and traded it for something useful." — Casey Martin

Concluding on a positive note reinforces the child's positive actions and the strengthened parent-child relationship.

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Key Insights and Conclusions

• Empathy Over Enforcement: By approaching the situation with empathy and understanding, parents can transform potential conflicts into teaching moments.

• Skill Development: Encouraging children to negotiate and make smart deals equips them with valuable life skills related to financial literacy and resource management.

• Strengthening Relationships: Controlling parental anxiety and avoiding punitive reactions help maintain and even strengthen the parent-child bond.

• Long-Term Benefits: Implementing these strategies fosters honesty, responsibility, and effective communication in children, setting a foundation for their future interactions.

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Notable Quotes

• "You're just being too uptight because you're good parents, right?" — Casey Martin [07:18]

• "Discipline means to teach, not to react out of frustration." — Kirk Martin [17:32]

• "That's what we're after. It's why I want you to go through the Calm parenting program or the Get Everything program so you know exactly how to do this and it gets down deep inside of you so that it becomes second nature." — Kirk Martin [19:15]

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Additional Resources

Kirk and Casey invite listeners to engage further with their Calm Parenting Program and other resources available at celebratecalm.com. They offer personalized support through phone consultations and mentoring to help parents implement these strategies effectively.

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By adopting these ten steps, parents can move away from reactive disciplinary methods and towards a more constructive, empathetic approach. This not only addresses immediate behavioral issues but also fosters a nurturing environment conducive to a child's overall development.

Transcript

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[Kirk Martin]

So I'm super excited to share this story with you. I believe it's going to be very impactful, extremely helpful with 10 concrete action steps. Lessons we can learn so here's the setup. Do you have a child who ever just does stuff without your permission, Right? You're like, why would you do that, right? In this situation, you discover that without.

[Casey Martin]

Your knowledge, your son or daughter traded.

[Kirk Martin]

His or her trading cards for a pair of Jordan sneakers with a kid at school. And then your child deliberately lied to you, like lied to your face and deceived you repeatedly. Now you're worried about the poor decision making, right? Trading for shoes she's going to grow out of because that's not practical and you're scared about your child's future. So you've got two options in how you respond to that and that's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, Founder, Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] if you need help. Reach out to our strong willed son who often did things that were inappropriate and freaked us out. His name is Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your kids ages. What do you struggle with? We get together as a family, we talk about it and we reply usually very quickly. Why? Because this is Our passion. It's what we do. And we want to help you. So you've got two options right now because this is what your child did. Lied to you, deceived, did this. Now, most of us, option number one is what most of us would do. We'd be waiting for that child to come home. Because when he got home from school, right, we'd be standing there upset, arms folded, wanting to lecture, to ream him out for all of the bad decisions, for lying, for the deception. And we'd lecture about the poor decision making, ask him questions that would only serve to put him on the defensive. True, we'd be deciding how harsh we would punish him for this. And we will. If we do that, we would have missed a huge opportunity. I get it. That's the normal way to react, but it doesn't work. It destroys your relationship.

[Casey Martin]

And you never really get to the.

[Kirk Martin]

Root of the issue because you're just reacting with fear and you're projecting into the future. It wouldn't change a thing. Your child ends up feeling like more of a failure than he already does. And you would have missed a huge opportunity.

[Casey Martin]

So number two, here's the second response.

[Kirk Martin]

And this is what I would recommend.

[Casey Martin]

And in a real world situation, this is what a really awesome couple had the courage to do. Even though it made them uncomfortable, even.

[Kirk Martin]

Though it will really challenge you. So you find this out. What are you going to do? 10 steps. Number one, control your own anxiety. Instead of reacting, lecturing, confronting your child, you slow your world down inside.

[Casey Martin]

And that is such a huge key.

[Kirk Martin]

It's why I want you to work through the 30 days to calm program. Because we teach you step by step.

[Casey Martin]

How do you control, how do you.

[Kirk Martin]

Slow your world down inside so you stop reacting all the time to everything, get triggered by everything.

[Casey Martin]

Look, you get perspective. He's a kid. Kids his age are supposed to be impulsive. By the way, he actually made a really good trade. He got a pair of Jordans for.

[Kirk Martin]

A piece of cardboard. Seriously, that's an epic deal he made.

[Casey Martin]

Think what he didn't do. He didn't steal the Jordans from another kid.

[Kirk Martin]

He didn't steal them from a store. He didn't steal money from you to go get them. He engaged in a business transaction. And actually a smart one. Side note, this is a really helpful tool to use sometimes. Try thinking like this the same time. What didn't your child do in that situation?

[Casey Martin]

See, it's very useful for perspective.

[Kirk Martin]

Your child may have done X. Oh, but he didn't do Y or Z? Number two, don't take it personally. How many times do we escalate situations because we get offended that our kids deliberately lied to us?

[E]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And then we project into the future about the child becoming some deceitful reprobate no one can trust. But you realize, of course he lied.

[Casey Martin]

Of course he lied. He knew you would be upset as you are.

[Kirk Martin]

And that's what kids do. They do impulsive things and then they cover them up. I'm not excusing it, but I'm normalizing it. If you want some blunt talk, it's this.

[Casey Martin]

It's why I want you taking the extra step beyond just listening to the podcast. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Go an extra step. Listen to our programs. You listen, right? On a convenient app, on your phone, on your computer. Your spouse can listen, teachers can listen, your kids can listen. So then you know how to control.

[Kirk Martin]

Your own anxiety, how to stop lecturing.

[Casey Martin]

And start connecting with even the most strong willed child. Look at changes, situations like this because.

[Kirk Martin]

You stop reacting out of fear.

[Casey Martin]

You stop creating a defensive response and.

[Kirk Martin]

Power struggles and you start problem solving. That's why I want you to listen and go through the programs.

[Casey Martin]

Number three. After school, make a big deal out of the Jordans. Seriously, when your child comes home, instead.

[Kirk Martin]

Of confronting him about his behavior, ask.

[Casey Martin]

Him why he likes him so much. What is it that he likes?

[Kirk Martin]

Is it the style, the color, the design?

[Casey Martin]

Or just that they're cool, right? Sharing his excitement. Your child is super excited about this. He didn't do anything wrong trading for them, remember? He didn't steal them. You're just being too uptight because you're good parents, right? Look, and his parents had said, like.

[Kirk Martin]

He has an eye for more upscale things.

[Casey Martin]

Well, good. So did our son Casey. But what I told him was this. You're going to have to work harder to afford the more expensive things.

[Kirk Martin]

But they're often of higher quality, they.

[Casey Martin]

Last longer and you can resell them later for more. See, Casey bought fewer things but nicer things. There's nothing wrong for that, right? That can be very smart and a modest way to live.

[E]

Right?

[Casey Martin]

You're allowing your normal parental anxiety to.

[Kirk Martin]

Blind you and cause you to worry too much.

[Casey Martin]

See, I want you to celebrate the Jordans. It will blow your child away because he's going to be defensive when he.

[Kirk Martin]

Comes home expecting you both to be angry at him.

[Casey Martin]

Don't be angry. Be happy.

[Kirk Martin]

Now, I promise we'll get to the lying part. I promise.

[Casey Martin]

But let's kill the proverbial fatted calf here and celebrate that your child did something that he was excited about and made a smart deal.

[Kirk Martin]

Number four, ask him how he made the deal.

[Casey Martin]

Think about it.

[Kirk Martin]

He engaged in a business negotiating, trading.

[Casey Martin]

One thing of value for another.

[Kirk Martin]

Hey son, so what did you have to give up to get these? What was the value of the cards that you traded? And how much are these Jordans worth? See, I would affirm him for having good business sense. Do you know how many people don't have this sense?

[Casey Martin]

And do you know how many people have made careers fortunes, lots of money out of selling things, out of making.

[Kirk Martin]

Deals, reselling things for a higher price.

[Casey Martin]

This is a skill you want to develop, not discourage. Now look, you could also say this.

[Kirk Martin]

Well, look, next time, here's how you can make the deal even better.

[Casey Martin]

Next time, wait until you've almost grown.

[Kirk Martin]

Out of your current shoes and negotiate for a slightly larger pair of Jordans you grow into, because that would save us a lot of money from buying new shoes.

[F]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[Kirk Martin]

It's a quick, easy win because I.

[E]

Start my day with 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[Casey Martin]

I just don't have that stomach distress.

[E]

Anymore where that bloating, you know, that kind of interferes with your day and puts you on edge. Plus, my weight is down. I've got energy for this hiking season. I'm drinking my Ag one right now while I'm recording this, and I think.

[F]

You should as well.

[E]

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[F]

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[Kirk Martin]

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[F]

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[Kirk Martin]

Number five, let's talk about other things that he wants or needs, and smart.

[Casey Martin]

Ways to get them are there.

[Kirk Martin]

We're not talking.

[Casey Martin]

Look, he didn't come and and bug you. Think about this. He didn't bug you for eight straight.

[Kirk Martin]

Weeks, every single day. You got to buy me Jordans. You got to buy me Jordans.

[Casey Martin]

He went and took something of his own and made a deal. That's called being resourceful.

[Kirk Martin]

You want that?

[Casey Martin]

So are there other things he doesn't.

[Kirk Martin]

Want to play with anymore that he can sell or trade for?

[E]

Right.

[Kirk Martin]

At least he's not wasting old toys. He's reusing them.

[Casey Martin]

He's getting something of value again.

[Kirk Martin]

That's another great life skill for people who value modesty, right?

[Casey Martin]

Just think, most kids just throw away their old stuff.

[Kirk Martin]

He's actually getting value out of it.

[E]

Right?

[Casey Martin]

Could you have a yard sale? Could you give some of the proceeds.

[Kirk Martin]

To a charity of his choice? That'd be a great life skill.

[Casey Martin]

Could he start a little side business.

[Kirk Martin]

Creating and selling things?

[Casey Martin]

Maybe he could buy plain shoes, add some sort of blingy design, and resell.

[Kirk Martin]

Them for a profit. You may figure out and determine he.

[Casey Martin]

Has a knack for this, which, again, you can make a lot of money selling stuff in this world. Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Number six, at some point, pivot and ask this, okay? So is there anything at all about this situation that you would do differently? And let's see. If. If he opens up and admits that hiding it from you was wrong. I bet you he does. But if he doesn't immediately go there, then you can ask it this way. Hey, look, mom and I, or dad and I think you made a really good business decision. You were smart. You got something you really wanted. There's one aspect of this that we weren't Happy with.

[Casey Martin]

Can you guess what that is?

[Kirk Martin]

See, I'm not pounding him, lecturing him about his lack of integrity, how we can't trust you anymore.

[Casey Martin]

I'm talking to him like an adult.

[Kirk Martin]

And I just ask him, can you guess what that is? And if it needs more prompting, do it.

[Casey Martin]

But I imagine at some point he's going to confess.

[Kirk Martin]

Mom, Dad, I shouldn't have hid it from you.

[Casey Martin]

Number seven. Now you can apologize and own your.

[Kirk Martin]

Part in this if necessary, because your reply is exactly so.

[Casey Martin]

You can reply with a smile.

[Kirk Martin]

Of course you shouldn't have hid this from this. But then you can pivot and ask something like this. Hey, son, daughter, did you hide this from us because you were afraid of our reaction? And then listen to him. I'm not blaming you as parents for this. I don't do blame or guilt. I just want to own our stuff. Because sometimes we as parents inadvertently cause.

[Casey Martin]

Our kids to hide things and lie.

[Kirk Martin]

Because we overreact and we don't make it easy for kids to tell us the truth.

[Casey Martin]

See, it's worth hearing if he feels that way. And if you need to apologize at all, do it. Look, it's simple. Look, I'm sorry.

[Kirk Martin]

I'm sorry that sometimes we overreact and assume the worst. We'll do better in the future, right? And then you can expect an apology for him for lying and deceiving you. Humility leads to contrition. Number eight, give a consequence.

[Casey Martin]

Just don't make it personal and don't think it's going to be the most important part.

[Kirk Martin]

But by all means, take away his phone, his computer for lying to you. Take it away for a week, I don't care. You can even say, try this sometime. So what do you think would be an appropriate consequence for lying to us about this? And then see what your child suggests. You don't have to take his recommendation if he goes. If it's a weak one, you just say, look, I'm not mad at you. I'm just letting you know this isn't acceptable. So in this case, we're going to take your computer phone away for a week. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a perfectly great thing to do. Number nine. This is what I really want though. I want to use this as an opportunity to problem solve by role playing the situation.

[E]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

Okay, Son, daughter. So next time this situation comes up, how can we handle it differently? How can we make it easier for you to come to us so we can perhaps even help you negotiate better? And what could you do differently. I hate role playing, but I love role playing because it's extremely effective. But it will be if you ask your child to role play with you is a far worse consequence for a kid than just any consequence you other consequence. And it's far more effective. So here's what I want you to do. Have him walk into the house with his new Jordans on display and say, mom, dad, guess what I did? And then he tells you. And then you practice your new response. Not freaking out and lecturing him about why it wasn't practical.

[E]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

You practice listening, having a conversation, and problem solving.

[Casey Martin]

See, that will pay dividends in the future. And think about this. He will practice saying things that disappoint you. See, that's really important because you want.

[Kirk Martin]

Him coming to you throughout his childhood and saying things honestly so that you can help him.

[E]

Right?

[Casey Martin]

Many of us have a hard time speaking up as adults to this day. Is that not true?

[Kirk Martin]

Because you're afraid people are going to reject you.

[Casey Martin]

But he gets to practice saying something.

[Kirk Martin]

That disappoints me, disappoints you. And you get to practice not reacting.

[E]

Right?

[Kirk Martin]

And you may need to repeatedly practice that. But see how much more effective this approach is than simply reacting, Getting upset, lecturing, taking away his screens, you actually practice new skills.

[Casey Martin]

See, that's discipline.

[Kirk Martin]

Discipline means to teach, not to react out of frustration. Number 10. And I'll repeat this. End the evening by celebrating him. He made a smart deal. He took something he didn't value anymore, that has zero practical use. It's a piece of cardboard, and he traded it for clothing he can use. See, I would adopt your son because he has the makings of a really smart business person. Now, the parents told me. And kudos to them for actually doing this right. They told me their son was proud to tell them the first thing he did when he got home was clean his new shoes. I can guarantee he never cleans his bedroom, his bathroom, or other things. Probably doesn't put away the laundry, probably doesn't put away dishes. But when our kids care about something, they are motivated and do the right thing. And I also want you to end the evening by celebrating yourself and the fact that you didn't freak out.

[Casey Martin]

See how many nights like this have.

[Kirk Martin]

Ended in shame, tears, lectures, anger. A kid who feels like no one understands him and misjudges his motives. How many evenings spend with parents worried and anxious and upset? And ultimately how many nights end with frayed relationships between a parent and child and even between two parents? But you controlled your anxiety. You didn't lecture, yell, you didn't accuse. You saw the situation differently. You problem solved and you taught your.

[Casey Martin]

Child and yourself new life skills.

[Kirk Martin]

That's what we're after. It's why I want you to go through the Calm parenting program or the Get Everything program so you know exactly how to do this and it gets down deep inside of you so that it becomes second nature. If you want to do a phone consultations with me, go ahead and sign up celebratecollen.com look for it. If you want to do the mentoring, great. But I would start with get the programs, work through them and as you do, email us with questions and we will help you. Why? Because that's our mission is to change your family life and it starts with you. No guilt, no blame. That's just changes. If we can help you reach out to our son Casey C A s e y celebratehome.com thanks for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it and we'll see you on Facebook, Instagram and our free newsletter. But let us know how we can help you. Love you all. Bye.