History’s Pettiest Wars: Pastry War, Stray Dog War, & Bird Poop War

Summary

Podcast Summary: Camp Gagnon

Episode Title: History’s Pettiest Wars: Pastry War, Stray Dog War, & Bird Poop War
Release Date: March 25, 2025
Host: Mark Gagnon
Producer: Christos

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Introduction to Petty Wars

Mark Gagnon opens the episode by reflecting on the futility and often senseless nature of war, citing Dwight Eisenhower’s remark that war is "mankind's most tragic and stupid folly." He sets the stage for an exploration of some of the most absurd and petty wars in history, ranging from conflicts sparked by stolen pastries to disputes over bird droppings.

Mark Gagnon [00:00]: "War. Mankind's most tragic and stupid folly."

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1. War of Jenkins' Ear

The first conflict discussed is the War of Jenkins' Ear, which exemplifies how a seemingly minor incident can escalate into full-scale war.

• Background:

  • Robert Jenkins, a Welsh master mariner, commanded the Rebecca, a smuggling brig operating in the Caribbean in 1731.
  • His ship was boarded by the Spanish vessel La Isabella near Havana, Cuba. During the boarding, Jenkins' ear was severed under disputed circumstances.

• Catalyst for War:

  • Jenkins presented his severed ear to King George II, symbolizing Spanish aggression against British trade.
  • The British government used this incident as a propaganda tool to rally support for war, leading to the official declaration of war in 1739.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The British initially captured Portobello in Panama but faced a catastrophic defeat at Cartagena de Indias in 1741 due to strong Spanish defenses and logistical failures.
  • The war eventually merged into the broader War of the Austrian Succession, diminishing its initial significance.
  • Robert Jenkins later served with the East India Company and became a supervisor on St. Helena Island, forever marked by the incident.

Mark Gagnon [08:27]: "The defeat marked a turning point, forcing the British to scale back their Caribbean ambitions."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark and Christos debate the pettiness of starting a war over an ear injury, with Mark humorously suggesting that losing a part of one's body could be seen as intolerable enough to justify conflict.

Mark Gagnon [10:17]: "Starting a war over losing a piece of your body. If you chop my dick off, we're getting the..."

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2. Pastry War

Next, the episode delves into the Pastry War, a conflict seemingly ignited over the looting of a French pastry chef’s shop in Mexico.

• Background:

  • In the early 1830s, Mexico was a lawless nation with weak government control, leading to rampant banditry and foreign property destruction.
  • Monsieur Remontel, a French pastry chef in Mexico City, had his shop looted by Mexican officers who stole his pastries and other goods.

• Catalyst for War:

  • After receiving no compensation from the Mexican government, Remontel appealed to France.
  • The French Prime Minister demanded Mexico pay 600,000 pesos as restitution, viewing the incident as part of broader French grievances against Spanish restrictions in Mexico.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • France blockaded Mexican ports and eventually declared war in 1838.
  • The French achieved early victories but suffered significant losses in the failed assault on Cartagena de Indias.
  • The war concluded with Mexico agreeing to the financial demands, though they never fulfilled the payment.

Mark Gagnon [14:56]: "That's wild. They're going to fight a war over pastries."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark expresses disbelief and amusement at the notion of going to war over stolen pastries, questioning the proportionality of the French response.

Mark Gagnon [17:05]: "We gotta try the pastries. We gotta see. There's a pastry shop not far from us..."

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3. War of the Stray Dog

The War of the Stray Dog between Greece and Bulgaria showcases how a minor incident involving an animal can escalate tensions between nations.

• Background:

  • On October 18, 1925, a stray dog crossed the border from Greece into Bulgaria.
  • The Greek soldier attempted to retrieve the dog, leading to his shooting by Bulgarian forces.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Greece issued an ultimatum demanding punishment for the responsible Bulgarians or compensation, escalating the situation.
  • The League of Nations intervened to mediate, preventing a full-scale war.
  • The conflict resulted in casualties on both sides but remained a largely forgotten skirmish.

Mark Gagnon [24:53]: "Stray dog causing a whole war. That's awesome."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark and Christos humorously discuss the absurdity of initiating a war over a stray dog, with Mark advocating for stricter leash laws to prevent such incidents.

Mark Gagnon [29:00]: "That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed."

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4. War of the Golden Stool

The War of the Golden Stool between the United Kingdom and the Ashanti Empire highlights colonial disrespect and cultural insensitivity.

• Background:

  • In the late 19th century, the British sought to colonize the West African region ruled by the Ashanti Empire.
  • The Golden Stool was a sacred symbol of Ashanti power and authority.

• Catalyst for War:

  • British administrator Sir Frederick Hodgson demanded to sit on the Golden Stool, a cultural disgrace to the Ashanti people.
  • The Ashanti refused, leading to an uprising in 1900.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The British suppressed the revolt, capturing Kumasi and annexing the Ashanti territory.
  • Over 3,000 Ashanti men and 1,000 British soldiers died in the conflict.
  • The Golden Stool was later desecrated and removed from Ashanti possession, only to be rediscovered and returned after further conflicts.

Mark Gagnon [36:15]: "He demands to sit on the Stool. It's like, dude, respect our symbol."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark criticizes the British for their arrogance and lack of respect for Ashanti cultural symbols, emphasizing the unnecessary loss of life over a symbolic artifact.

Mark Gagnon [41:51]: "This is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3,000 people died for this. Like, for a stool."

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5. Football War

The Football War between Honduras and El Salvador is a prime example of how sports tensions can mirror deeper socio-political conflicts.

• Background:

  • In 1969, a series of football matches between Honduras and El Salvador became the catalyst for war.
  • Tensions were high due to Salvadorian migration to Honduras, leading to economic and social friction.

• Catalyst for War:

  • The decisive match held in Mexico City, where El Salvador won 3-2, ignited riots and violence.
  • On the same day as the final match, El Salvador severed diplomatic ties with Honduras.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Salvadorian forces attacked Honduran military targets, leading to a four-day conflict.
  • Approximately 2,000 to 3,000 troops and civilians were killed.
  • The Organization of American States intervened, enforcing a ceasefire and ending the war swiftly.

Mark Gagnon [43:16]: "They're fighting over a football game. It's like a marathon over miscommunications."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark draws parallels between sports and warfare, suggesting that competitive events can serve as proxies for deeper conflicts, leading to disproportionate reactions.

Mark Gagnon [48:39]: "If the reaction is above a 5, it's not about the thing. It's about something else."

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6. Pig War

The Pig War between the United States and Great Britain over the San Juan Island is a lighthearted yet telling example of territorial disputes.

• Background:

  • In 1859, both American settlers and British employees of the Hudson Bay Company laid claim to the San Juan Island.

• Catalyst for War:

  • The conflict began when an American farmer, Lyman Cutler, shot a British-owned black pig that was rooting in his potato patch.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The incident escalated with both nations deploying military forces to the island.
  • Despite the tension, no human lives were lost, and the conflict was resolved as a bloodless stalemate.
  • The San Juan Island was eventually decided to be part of the United States through negotiation.

Mark Gagnon [56:00]: "Fighting over one pig. That's a whole other level of petty."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark humorously reflects on the absurdity of a war triggered by a pig, emphasizing the triviality of the initial cause compared to the scale of military involvement.

Mark Gagnon [60:41]: "If you kill our pig, we need to get back. But it's just a pig."

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7. War of the Chincha Islands (Bird Poop War)

The conflict between Spain and Peru over the Chincha Islands underscores the economic importance of seemingly insignificant resources.

• Background:

  • In the mid-19th century, Peru’s economy heavily relied on guano from the Chincha Islands, essential for fertilizer.

• Catalyst for War:

  • When Peru refused to pay reparations demanded by Spain after a dispute, Spain occupied the Chincha Islands in 1864.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The occupation led to naval battles between Spanish and Peruvian forces.
  • The conflict concluded in 1866 with Spain withdrawing, and Peru regaining control of the guano-rich islands in 1879.

Mark Gagnon [68:08]: "A war over bird poop. That's taking nature to a whole new level."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark draws attention to the paradox of fighting over bird droppings, highlighting the intense economic dependency on natural resources like guano.

Mark Gagnon [69:18]: "Fighting over fertilizers. It’s like battling over coffee grounds."

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8. Toledo Dispute

The Toledo Dispute between Ohio and Michigan exemplifies internal state conflicts over territorial claims.

• Background:

  • In 1835, both Ohio and Michigan claimed ownership of the Toledo Strip, a fertile and economically valuable land.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Both states deployed militias, but no actual combat ensued except for the shooting of a single law enforcement officer.
  • The U.S. Congress intervened, awarding Toledo to Ohio and compensating Michigan with land in the Upper Peninsula.
  • This resolution benefited Michigan in the long run due to the Upper Peninsula’s mineral wealth.

Mark Gagnon [71:02]: "Fighting over Toledo. It’s like arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark compares the dispute to trivial personal conflicts, emphasizing the frivolity of territorial wars within a country.

Mark Gagnon [75:07]: "A dispute is just like a fight between a couple. It's not a war."

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Conclusion: Ranking Petty Wars

Mark and Christos conclude by ranking the discussed wars based on their pettiness:

1. Pastry War – Most petty, fighting over stolen pastries.
2. Football War – Initiated by a football match, reflecting deeper issues.
3. War of the Golden Stool – Cultural disrespect leading to significant loss of life.
4. War of Jenkins' Ear – Escalation from an ear injury to war.
5. Stray Dog War – Conflict over a stray animal causing international tension.
6. Pig War – Territorial dispute triggered by a pig, resolved without bloodshed.
7. War of the Chincha Islands – Economic conflict over guano, a vital resource but not inherently petty.
8. Toledo Dispute – Internal state territorial claim, resolved diplomatically with minor casualties.

Mark Gagnon [76:18]: "Football war has got to be number two because you're starting a war over a game."

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Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Mark and Christos infuse humor and contemporary analogies to highlight the absurdity and irrationality of entering conflicts over seemingly trivial causes. They reflect on the human tendency to escalate minor incidents into major disputes, often resulting in unnecessary loss and suffering.

Mark encourages listeners to share their thoughts and suggests that history often repeats itself when similar petty provocations arise. The discussion serves as a reminder to critically assess the true causes behind conflicts and to seek peaceful resolutions over trivial provocations.

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Notable Quotes:

• Mark Gagnon [12:00]: "Cropping is the removal of a person's ear as an act of physical punishment. Wow."

• Mark Gagnon [17:05]: "We gotta try the pastries. We gotta see. There's a pastry shop not far from us..."

• Mark Gagnon [29:00]: "That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed."

• Mark Gagnon [41:51]: "This is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3,000 people died for this. Like, for a stool."

• Mark Gagnon [68:08]: "A war over bird poop. That's taking nature to a whole new level."

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Closing Remarks

Mark wraps up the episode by inviting listeners to engage with the podcast through comments, merchandise purchases, and attending live stand-up shows. He expresses gratitude for the audience's support and encourages continued learning and discussion about the fascinating and often bizarre events in history.

Mark Gagnon [75:07]: "A dispute is just like a fight between a couple. It's not a war."

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Recommendations for Listeners:

If you find tales of history’s most absurd wars intriguing, subscribe to "Camp Gagnon" for more engaging discussions that blend historical insights with a touch of humor. Engage with the hosts by sharing your own perspectives on these petty conflicts or suggesting other bizarre historical events to explore in future episodes.

Transcript

[Mark Gagnon]

War. Mankind's most tragic and stupid folly. Dwight Eisenhower said that. And he would know. He was a general during World War II. Now, sure, that war, maybe that one was justified, but most of them, they're pretty stupid. And no need at all to mention the war. Marshal Lord Wavell has abandoned military command.

[Christos]

Blah.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, I mean, if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt. Yep. And today we are going through the list of all the dumbest, stupidest, pettiest wars in human history. Everything from French pastries getting stolen to causing thousands of people to die, to. To a stray dog crossing battle lines, causing two nations to go to war, to bird poop. Yeah, bird poop getting stolen in Peru, leading to two nations actually facing off. There are countless numbers of wars that are stupid and dumb. But today we got the list and we're going down through all of them. So sit back, lay down your weapon, and welcome to camp. What's up, people? And welcome back to camp. Today we are talking about the pettiest wars in history. That's right. Petty beefs, little misunderstandings, dumb ideas that turn into full scale wars. This is 10 talks. This is the show where I explain the most interesting, controversial and fascinating stories from around the Internet and the world. The books of the world, other places where information is found. To my dumbest friends. And today I don't have a dumb friend. I don't. I just have you wonderful people that have tuned into this program and held down the show. I'm also joined by my friend Christos, the producer of this wonderful program, the Greek freak himself. Full head of hair and all in all, just a good guy. A couple updates. We got, we got camp goods right here. I'm wearing this hat. It's pretty nice. Christos, you have your camp gear, of course, just a generic black hat. That's good. Thanks for representing the brand. That is awesome. We also got these cool mugs. I think they're cool. They're sort of large, to be honest with you, but I like them. I just want to say thank you to everyone that's been watching the show, supporting the program. I like doing some of these episodes. I like just kind of like cutting back and being like, you know what, let's just go through some interesting topics. Additionally, I'm also on the road, so if you want to come see me live in your city doing one hour of stand up comedy. Some people have said it's the greatest comedy of or my mom, my mom said it's the best hour stand up comedy she's ever Seen. So if you have tastes like my mother, I would love for you guys to come out. We got tickets on the website themarcagnon.com, which sounds kind of pretentious. The mark, like how many other mark Yagons are. I mean, actually, I was going to get markagno.com. it is taken by an artist. Can you pull. Can you pull this up? Actually, let's give him a shout out. He's a wonderful. I'm assuming French Canadian artist. I have be honest with you. I've been following this guy my whole life. When I was like 12 years old, I searched my name and he popped up. Oh, did he change his website?

[Christos]

Looks like it.

[Mark Gagnon]

Oh, this might be available then. So I might have to scoop in there. We also should buy some of this art. This is beautiful. He's in Bergdorf Goodman, yo. But the Cagdons are really popping. We are out here. Oh, I mean, this guy's sick as hell.

[Christos]

Some of this isn't half bad, right? All right, that's not as good.

[Mark Gagnon]

Looks like I made that one. I don't know.

[Christos]

That looks like the Cosby wife.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's. That's ain't Viv, I think. Anyway, don't buy that stuff. Buy camp goods. Okay, you can check it out. But today we're not talking about any of that stuff, right? Today we're just getting into the pettiest wars in history. Obviously, there's some justified wars. You know, some wars that have happened in history, you're like, all right, Revolutionary War. That one's pretty sick. That didn't seem petty. The tea thing was a little petty, but I'm trying to think, what else? Crusades. As a Catholic. Sorry, Muslims. I'm going to say that one without knowing anything else about the Crusades other than the fact that no Catholics were just going buck wild.

[Christos]

They lost, didn't they?

[Mark Gagnon]

Who cares really what the details are? You know, all that matters is that it wasn't petty. All right, that was for. That was for God. But today we're talking about petty ones. I mean, we got a bunch here. We got a war over pastries, a football war, a war of a stray dog. I mean, a pig war. I mean, there's all sorts of wacky wars that have happened throughout time. All right, let's start with a good old war known as the War of Jenkins Ear. Have you heard of this?

[Christos]

No, but I'm listening.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, Jenkins Ear. This guy, Robert Jenkins, he was a Welsh master mariner from Lenelly. Can you Google where Lynelli is? He. I'm gonna assume this is, like, somewhere in the United Kingdom. Robert Jenkins, the whitest name of all time. He commanded the Rebecca, a smuggling brig that operated in contested Caribbean waters during a time of rising tensions. We're talking 1731. That's right. April 1731. Jenkins ship was boarded by Spanish Garda Costa. If anyone doesn't speak Spanish, that's Coast Guard. Near Havana, Cuba. The Spanish vessel La Isabella, commanded by Juan Leon Fandino, intercepted the Rebecca on suspicions of smuggling. The boarding turned violent. Jenkins was suspected was subjected to various forms of mistreatment, including being hoisted up the mast and threatened with having his ship burned. During this encounter, Jenkins ear was severed. It's disputed if it was by Fendino himself or by another Spanish officer. The British viewed such Spanish actions as. I mean, this word is. Is something to do with pirates. Piratical. I've never even heard that before. That's a great word. Piratical. Aggression against legitimate trade. While the Spaniards considered themselves law enforcers, protecting their colonial trade monopoly against British smuggling, both perspectives held some truth. Spanish colonial restrictions were severe, and British merchants frequently engaged in illicit trade. Oh, it's in Wales. Oh, he's Welsh. One of the toughest accents of all time. You ever heard a Welsh guy speak?

[Christos]

Yeah, it's rough.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's insane. You can't understand a word that they're saying. I would actually love to get a Welshman on this pod. Gareth Bale, perhaps? That's him.

[Christos]

That's him.

[Mark Gagnon]

No way. He looks like Caillou. He's got no hair. Who made this? Was this Mark Allen Gagnon? Is that who painted this?

[Christos]

I don't look like it.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, what the.

[Christos]

Got a coffee stain in the middle?

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, dude. I mean, pull it together. Oh, he's getting his wig ripped off. Look at that.

[Christos]

Oh, damn.

[Mark Gagnon]

Damn, bro, that's. I mean, that's World star if I've ever seen one. Upon his return to England in 73 or 71, Jenkins presented his severed ear. Wow. He kept his ear. And he presented his severed ear to King George II and gave a formal deposition about the incident. Surprisingly, the affair initially garnered little public or political attention. For the next seven years, Jenkins case remained largely dormant while Britain and Spain engaged in diplomatic negotiations. But by 1738, British commercial interest grew increasingly frustrated with Spanish restrictions. The incident with Jenkins was dramatically revived during parliamentary debates as a symbol of Spanish cruelty. I mean, cutting off someone's ear, that's because that's like, yo, we could have killed you, but instead we just chopped your ear off. Like, that's like. I mean, it's kind of badass. That's like a slap. Like, you get in a fight with someone, you don't punch him. You just slap them. It's like, look, I could knock you out, but I'm here just to teach you a lesson, because you're not going to do. It's also hard to fight if you lost your ear. Imagine your balance is probably messed up and you're on a boat. I mean, come on, I'd be seasick immediately. British government, eager to secure greater trade privileges with Spanish colonies, particularly the lucrative right to sell enslaved people under the Ascento Agreement, use Jenkins Ear as a powerful propaganda tool to rally public support. Wow. Also for the record, a lot of this research was put together by my dear friend Zach. So I'm learning a lot of this for the first time, along with y'all at home, and we're just going to try to just become better, more educated citizens together. The war was officially declared 1739, and over the next several years, fighting spread throughout the Caribbean. The British scored early victory by capturing Portobello, which is in Panama. However, their ambitious assault at Cartagena de Indias in 1741 ended in catastrophic failure. British expedition, commanded by Admiral Edward Vernon was decimated not only by strong Spanish defenses, but also by tropical diseases and logistical failures.

[Christos]

Wow.

[Mark Gagnon]

The defeat marked a turning point, forcing the British to scale back their Caribbean ambitions. I mean, that's crazy. The conflict continued with minor engagements in Florida, Georgia, around havana. And by 1740, European attention shifted to the war of Austrian secession, a major a much larger conflict that engulfed the continent and diverted resources away from the Caribbean theater. The war of Jenkins Ear gradually merged into this broader European struggle. As for Jenkins himself, his role in history extended beyond the infamous Ear incident. He later served as a captain for the East India Company and eventually became a supervisor on St. Helena Island. While the war that bore his name may have faded from political significance, Jenkins carried both the physical mark of his encounter with the Spanish, an unusual distinction of having a war named after a part of his anatomy for the remainder of his life. I don't know, that feels pretty justified to me. That doesn't feel that petty. Like, yo, if you chop my boy's ear off, like, yeah, we got to go to war.

[Christos]

Two countries, though.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yes, 100%. What is a country? A country is just a big gang. A country is just a gang of people. And it's like, hey, they captured our Guys, So now we have to go send a bunch of, you know, troops in there to go get our guy back. It's just a gang with borders and like, an army and like a Federal Reserve, like a centralized currency. That's all right. What else is a country? It's just a gang. So if. Yeah, if you go and chop one of my friend's ears off, if someone came in here, chopped your ear off, that's. Well, at first I'd ask what you did. I would be curious. I'm like, was he. Was he eavesdropping? You know? I mean, were you peeping in on something you shouldn't be doing? Were you listening to. To the girl's bathroom to get gossip? If you were doing any of those things and you got your ear chopped off, I'd be like, yeah, you might have deserved it. But I'll be honest, bro, I don't know. That's. It's also the most. Like, this is where what has happened, like, near Cuba. It's a very Cuban attack.

[Christos]

Also, is this have anything to do with Van Gogh cutting on its own ear off? Is this where.

[Mark Gagnon]

I doubt it has anything to do with that, to be honest with you. But Van Gogh. Van Gogh also did chop zero off. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Also, what in the garden of Gethsemane with Jesus. What? Someone got their ear chopped off. Like, I think one of the guards or something. A lot of ear chopping been going on throughout the ages. It is like, the ultimate sign of like, hey, I'm just gonna maim you physically where people will see it forever, but it's not gonna, like, ruin your life.

[Christos]

Plus, you have two.

[Mark Gagnon]

And you have two, like, right? God gave you two ears, right? So you listen twice as much as you speak. It's in the Bible. It's not in the Bible, but my mom used to say that. But I don't know. It is a very, like, Cuban way to defend your. Just like, yo, I'm gonna fight you, bro. Like, you know, I mean, like, yo, I'm just gonna pull out my knife. Like, it's like a very much a switchblade tactic, you know? Like, the British, I don't think would chop an ear off. I don't know. Can you search if the British ever chop people's ears off? That seems. Seems out of character for the Brits. I feel like they'd be. They would just shoot someone or, like, enslave them or something. But yeah, I mean, the knife is like. I'd be honest if you'd like, try to seize Puerto Rico. I think you'd probably get a couple ears chopped off, but, yeah. I don't know. Starting a war over losing a piece of your body. If you chop my dick off, we're getting the. I'm get. I'm petitioning to trump. I'm like, yo, Donnie, let's get this thing going.

[Christos]

It's actually called something.

[Mark Gagnon]

Cropping is the removal of a person's ear as an act of physical punishment. Wow. Oh, that makes sense, because dog ears.

[Christos]

Get cropped and they have a name for it. So it happened a good amount of times, I would imagine.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. I mean, like, after the 10th ear chopping, you're like, all right, we gotta figure out. We gotta actually put this in the almanac. You know, wow. Cropping. But I feel like this makes it sound too cool. You know what I mean?

[Christos]

Cropping.

[Mark Gagnon]

Because, like, if you crop a dog's ears, it's like, oh, they, like, do it to make them look cooler. Like, you've seen when they do this with dogs. Like, their ears are all floppy, and then they chop them just to make them stick up.

[Christos]

Right.

[Mark Gagnon]

Which is probably the worst thing ever, like, for a dog. Like, you're. You're made the certain way. You get your ears circumcised, and now all of a sudden, you can hear everything. It's probably so loud.

[Christos]

Plus, they have great hearing.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. That's why they hate fireworks, I'm assuming. Right.

[Christos]

Sure.

[Mark Gagnon]

I bet you Admiral Jenkins was like, yo, fireworks are the worst now. Because now my ears are just like. So like. Like, there's no. I bet you could still hear a little bit. Because if you get rid of this part, you could still hear through the hole in your head. Like, you can't wear headphones or, like, glasses. That's probably the worst part. You can't. You can't ever wear glasses.

[Christos]

Back then, you probably need a glass.

[Mark Gagnon]

You put your on. You're just. You're sideways. That's awful. This is how Jenkins wore glasses his whole life. Poor dude. But no, that doesn't seem that petty to me. I'll be honest. This goes on more on the justified to petty scale, I think. I think it's 70. 70% justified, 30% petty. Also, the English were using as a tool. It's like they were just looking for, like. All right, what's our justification? Chop zero off. So I'm going to go more. More justified than petty. All right. The pastry war. This one sounds already on the onset a little bit pettier. 1830s, during the early years of the Republic of Mexico, lawlessness abounded as various factions competed for power within the country. Many times that fighting results in the destruction of private property. And since the Mexican government was relatively weak, unable to do much to prevent it, private citizens were often very frustrated by it. Foreigners were in particular trouble. Should bandits rob them, steal their stuff, destroy their property, they had little recourse with the Mexican government to be compensated. A French pastry chef. Ugh. Of course it's a French pastry chef. Monsieur Remont. Remonte. Can we get a picture of this guy? Monsieur Remonte. He learned the hard way. In 1832, Remonte had a pastry shop in the outskirts of Mexico City called Tacubaya. The French take their pastries extremely seriously. So according to Monsignor okay, which is obviously disputed, Mexican officers looted his shop, stole all of his delicious pastries. Ugh. I mean, I'd be pissed off. He appealed to the Mexican government for compensation, and when no one came, he called on the powers in his homeland to do something about it. Citing Remontel's issues and those of many other French nationals living in Mexico, the government of France decided to fight a war over it. That's right. 1838. The French Prime Minister demanded that the Mexican government pay them 600,000 pesos in order to compensate for the loss of Ramontel's pastry shop and various other French businesses in Mexico. I mean, that's wild. How much is that? 600,000 pesos in 1838, that's probably close to 70 or even $80. That's wild. I mean, it's probably a few mil.

[Christos]

Let me work on this.

[Mark Gagnon]

That's probably a few mil at least.

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[Mark Gagnon]

The French were like, yo, Mexico, pay up. I bet you they had a. They had a French Trump back in the day. It's like Mexico is going to pay for it. The Mexicans, who they will pay for their pastries. The Mexicans balked at the exorbitant sum. At the time, the average daily wage in Mexico was about 1 peso, so they wanted 600,000 times more. Than the daily wage. So what did the French do? They bucked up. They went to war. The French navy immediately set up a blockade of all Mexican port cities in the Gulf of Mexico, from the Yucatan peninsula to the Rio Grande to. To the Gulf of America. I actually don't even know if it's a Gulf of America. I just wanted to say that. The French shut down trading options for Mexican coastal towns. The battle eventually took to solid ground where the French made landfall. They stormed a Mexican fort and eventually took it. Famed Mexican general Santa Anna fought back, and during the battle of Veracruz, he was shot in the leg. That leg was amputated, and his heroic efforts were enough to catapult him back into political power in Mexico. Aside from him, though, the war was mostly sputtered. Each side lost a couple hundred men before a treaty was eventually signed. Mexico agreed to pay six hundred thousand peso penalty as a part of the peace agreement. They never did. Wow. I mean, that's wild to me. That's wild. Oh, this is. Who's this? Santa Ana handsome guy with a sick outfit? I mean, shoulder pads. Yeah, shoulder pads. Going crazy with so many jewels and chains. This guy was sick as hell. But yeah. Dude, I don't know. If you're gonna go to war over.

[Christos]

Pastries, that's kind of crazy.

[Mark Gagnon]

We gotta try the pastries. We gotta see. Because there's. There's a pastry shop not far from us, right here in our beautiful tent deep in the woods. But if you go out of the woods, down Driggs in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, you will find a pastry shop that does French pastries that are absolutely amazing. The ponchocolat, my favorite. But they also have, like, financiers. I don't know. I think a French pastry is enough. If you told me some other pastry. If you're like, yeah, the Polish pastry sh in Mexico got looted, I'd be like, for what? You know what I mean? What's your favorite Polish pastry? There is none. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't exist. A French pastry, that's enough to go to war for. I don't know. And also, like, if this is the third or fourth time you've been just looted, especially by, like, the officers of a country. If it's just like, some random dude that comes in and robs you, it's like, all right, whatever. But if it's like, the government comes in, seizes all your pastries, I mean, that's crazy also, if you got to go to war for it. Think about that. Like, there were hundreds Thousands of American troops that went into Iraq for fake weapons of mass destruction. They went in there for basically no reason. A lot of them were over there being like, why the hell are we here? And now you got to think that these guys went into Mexico and died. Never saw their families again. Over croissant.

[Christos]

Can we break this down? A French guy is making pastries in Mexico?

[Mark Gagnon]

Yes.

[Christos]

And Mexicans are like, this is the.

[Mark Gagnon]

Greatest thing we've ever had in our lives.

[Christos]

So we have to steal them.

[Mark Gagnon]

So we have to steal them, and we're taking all of them. And also, this guy's a foreigner, so who gives a. You know what I mean?

[Christos]

What are you doing making pastries in Mexico?

[Mark Gagnon]

That's a good question. Can we find out what. What Monsignor? Was he like a. I mean, monsignor? That sounds like religious to me.

[Christos]

Monsieur. Oh, it's like a title.

[Mark Gagnon]

My bad. Okay, mister. I guess that's mister. I was thinking Monsignor. Like, he was like a priest or something. I mean, if he was a priest, then, now it'd be like, I. I bet they wouldn't do it. Actually, Mexicans are very religious. They'd be like, no, no, we have to respect the Father, el padre. But yeah, I wonder what this guy was doing in Mexico. Probably just looking for beautiful Latinas, shorty. That's what I'm assuming. Anytime you got a guy, especially back in those days, that's like going across the world and setting up a new life, he's probably. He's probably running from some in France. Either he's a terrible guy that did some terrible in France and had to leave. He's either looking for baddies, which, you know, game recognized game. I respect it. Or.

[Christos]

He'S on the run, he's on.

[Mark Gagnon]

The layup, or he's just like, yo, Mexico has better weather.

[Christos]

Or that.

[Mark Gagnon]

You know what I mean? Like, hey, I live in France. It's like cold part of the year. Like, let me just go to Mexico and just post up. I mean, that's crazy.

[Christos]

Doesn't say what he was doing there.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, that guy was for sure. Had, like, a drug scheme going in France and was like, let me dip.

[Christos]

But for France to be like, we're going to start a war for this guy.

[Mark Gagnon]

I feel like back in the day, people are just looking for any reason to do a war. You know what I mean? Like, they were just trying to find any reason. Like, hey, let's go to war. Like, what do we got to do? All right. I would say that one in terms of pettiness. I would say that one's significantly pettier. It's pretty than the ear. Like it's just some pastries.

[Christos]

I'd go ear one, but do you.

[Mark Gagnon]

Think ear is more petty?

[Christos]

Oh, no, less petty.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, I agree, I agree. Ears, less petty for sure. But like pastries is, is hilarious. I mean, kind of gotta respect it. What's up, guys? We're gonna take a break really quick because you are a grown child. Yes. You're a giant man child. And you just love stuff in your face. And all the sugary cereals you ate when you were a kid, when you're just a fat little 8 year old, you would sit down on your couch and you would just eat these, these sugary cereals. And nowadays you try to do that. Like I have, you feel terrible, you go, oh yeah, my blood pressure is rising. I do get a hangover from eating these cereals that I ate when I was a child. And that's why I want to talk to you about Magic Spoon. This thing right here, freshly opened because I was just engorging myself. Magic Spoon is all the flavors that you love that come from your favorite nostalgic cereals. Flavors like fruity cocoa, frosted. Do those sound familiar to you? Because legally I can't say what they are. But those are the flavors that Magic Spoon has. And here's what's amazing about Magic Spoon. It's the same taste, it's all the flavor packed into every bite from those childhood cereals. But 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of net carbs. Yeah, imagine that, 13 grams of protein. This is protein packed cereal. So instead of being a little fat kid, you can sit down on Sunday morning watching cartoons and get freaking jacked. Yeah, you'll look like Ronnie Coleman or something. You keep on crushing these, you're gonna be diesel as hell. So instead of being a little fat boy, you can be a giant strong man but still keep your same habits of just sitting down and watching your cartoons. And for the listeners of this program, if you go to magicspoon.com camp. That's right, magicspoon.com camp C A M P. You're gonna get $5 off your next order. Five whole dollars. You can save and apply to therapy for figuring out your disgusting, twisted childhood of stuffing your face with processed sugars and red dye.40 and stuff like that. But with Magic Spoon, you don't have to worry about any of that stuff. It's all good. 13 grams of protein, none of the sugar, 4 grams of carbs. Get it today. Magic spoon on Amazon or at your nearest grocery store. Or you can go to magicspoon.com campcamp for $5 off. Now let's get back to the show. You fatty. What's up guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I need to tell you about how you are potentially entitled for some compensation. That's right. You may have been injured without even knowing it. And I think statistically, most Americans have been injured by this. We know that our food is poison. Many of these companies, these massive conglomerates are pumping our food with stabilizers and gums and other processed chemicals that are legal in most other countries. But for some reason in America, they are fully legal and they are allegedly causing many health problems. That's a very small alleged. I actually just read a book about this. Ultra processed humans. It's fascinating that the processed chemicals that are going into our foods are terrible for you. I mean, if you were to take a baked cookie and a cookie that's filled with processed preservatives, even if they have the same exact nutritional profile, the one with the preservatives and all the gums and stabilizers and ultra processing chemicals is going to be worse for you by a far, far margin. So if you have been exposed to many of these ultra processed foods, they've been known to be addictive, they've been known to CR to target children, and they can potentially cause chronic diseases such as type 2 diabetes, fatty liver disease, both of which were unheard of 40 years ago, but now affect the lives of thousands of children. It looks like the people over at Morgan and Morgan are fighting for the people once again. That's right. Morgan and Morgan, America's largest law firm. I mean, they have, you know, handled thousands and thousands of cases, recovered billions of dollars for their cl, and now they are targeting the ultra processed food giants of the world. Okay, so if you or your child has been diagnosed with one of these diseases that I mentioned before, you may have legal options. They have helped thousands of families seek justice against these big corporations and they are ready to fight for you as well. So if you were interested, go to for the people.comgagnon. that's right. That is f r the people.comgagnon. if you're interested in potentially hearing more about the way that these companies can be affecting you and your health and the health of your family and how you may be entitled for compensation because of that. Now I do have to disclose. This is a paid advertisement. Now let's get back to the show. We got another one right here. Christos, don't worry. I know you're afraid. You're like, that's it. Nope. The war of the stray dog. All right, this happened between Bulgaria and the beautiful country of Greece.

[Christos]

Shout out Greece.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, dude. You know what the European and a frying pan have in common?

[Christos]

I'm afraid you're about to tell me.

[Mark Gagnon]

There's a little bit of grease at the bottom.

[Christos]

Oh, that's not cool.

[Mark Gagnon]

Isn't that cute? That's a cute one.

[Christos]

Get some for that.

[Mark Gagnon]

My dad told me that when I was a kid, and I thought that was a cute joke. And that's how I remember where Greece is. It's right at the bottom, right? It is.

[Christos]

There's things below Greece.

[Mark Gagnon]

What, Crete? Africa. Crete's part of Greece, but okay, that's what I'm saying. Like, what's. What's below it? And it wasn't always part of Greece. For the record. Crete.

[Christos]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

The Turks got a piece of that.

[Christos]

A lot of blood.

[Mark Gagnon]

The Nazis got a piece of that. The Egyptians got a piece of that.

[Christos]

All right, that's enough.

[Mark Gagnon]

All right. Sorry. Hurts still. That's insult to injury. All right, let's talk about this stray dog. Basically, Greece and Bulgaria have been disputing over their border, which I had no idea about. I did not know the Greece and the Bulgarians were pissed off at each other.

[Christos]

Everyone wanted a piece of Greece.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. And you. You guys could barely hold on. Each side already had soldiers and sentries placed along the border and around the village of Petrich Petrick, Current day Bulgaria, October 18th. Oh, so you guys were the ones that were up. You pieces of everyone. Everyone wanted a piece of Greece. No, no, no, no. That's Bulgaria. And you guys were like, oh, we're gonna go over there and put more fat, guys. October 18, 1925. It only took a very small thing, a stray dog, to set off a firefight. This is awesome. One version of the story, and of course, there's like seven versions, you get an old Greek grandfather. It's like. Let me tell you, let me tell you. One version of the story claims that the incident began after a dog ran across the border from Greece into Bulgaria. The dog belonged to a Greek soldier who raced across the border to grab the stray dog and get him back on their side. The Bulgarians didn't like it and shot the soldier. The Bulgarian version of the story claims that there was no dog. Rather, the Bulgarians crossed the Greek border from their side, killed a Greek captain, and A sentry in an aggressive mood, move indicating battle. We don't know which version is real, but here's what happened after the dog story stuck in the public consciousness and this spat became known as the War of the Stray Dog. Bulgaria moved quickly to apologize for the incident. They claimed that firing upon Greek soldiers had been a misunderstanding and they expressed regret. Bulgarians also offered to take part in a mixed investigation into the accident. Both Greek and Bulgarian officers could look into what happened. The Greeks didn't really give a shit. They wanted no Bulgarians in their territory at all. In turn, Greece issued an ultimatum to Bulgaria. Punish Those responsible within 48 hours or else pay out 2 million French francs as compensation to the families of the victim. They got the attention of the League of Nations, which at that time was the precursor to, like the un, The League of Nations very much did not want a full scale war to bubble up between Greece and Bulgaria. After all, it had just been a precious few years prior that World War I had ended. The Greeks sent soldiers into Bulgaria, occupied the town of Petrick on October 22. After Bulgaria failed to meet Greece's demands within the stipulated time, fearing a violent outburst, the League of Nations moved quickly to mediate things. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed. Even with casualties on both sides, the war was avoided. In the end, the War of the Stray dog became a mostly forgotten and bizarre skirmish that didn't really go anywhere. Put your dogs on a leash. How about that? I think that I'm taking the Bulgarian side on this. Sorry, Christos, put your dog on a freaking leash. I look, I live in Brooklyn, okay? Every now and again I'll be walking down the street and I'll just see, like a pit bull. No, no leash. And again, I know it's controversial. Be like, oh, pit bulls, they're, they're nice. There's no bad dogs, only bad owners. That might be true, but pit bulls with a bad owner are the scariest thing in the world. Like a Chow Chow with a bad owner. You could punt that thing. I'm not worried about that. But a pit bull with a bad owner, not great. A pit bull with a great owner just gets spooked one day and just rips your face. I don't know, I'm like, here's the thing.

[Christos]

They dog crosses the border, soldier goes to grab the dog.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah.

[Christos]

And they shoot the soldier, not the dog. You're afraid of the dog, Shoot the dog.

[Mark Gagnon]

I don't know.

[Christos]

I mean, sorry to the aspca.

[Mark Gagnon]

What happened with the dog? That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed.

[Christos]

Well, the Bulgarians think there was no dog.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, I don't even. I don't. That makes no sense to me because you would think that the Bulgarians would be like, yo, there definitely was a dog. And this guy ran over. We didn't know what was happening. Fog of war, bang, bang, bang. Everyone's dead. I am legend. The dog dies. You know what I mean? I don't know, but like, it seems like the Greeks would be like, no, they just came over. There was no dog. We had everyone on a leash. Also, why do soldiers have dogs? Was this like a war dog maybe? Like, was this a dog that was. Did he have metals? I actually like seeing that every now and again, like, they'll put like, they'll do like a military funeral. Can we pull one of those up? Military funeral for a dog. Those are always making me happy. I like seeing that. So I don't know, I'm like, it depends. Also, if you're a war dog, why are you running? Shouldn't you be trained better?

[Christos]

Good point.

[Mark Gagnon]

Part of me thinks this is not a war dog. This is just some dude being like, hey, I have to have my, my emotional support animal. Which, if you've ever been on a flight in the past five years, it's a freaking nightmare. Yeah, I like this where they put the dog and they. This, they wrap them up in the blankets and stuff.

[Christos]

This is cute.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, I like this. Always German shepherds shout out to the Germans. You know what I mean? They've done some bad things. Sure.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

But they gave us some cool cars, some cool outfits, and some great dogs. I like a German shepherd, to be honest.

[Christos]

Guarantee you that dog wasn't a German shepherd.

[Mark Gagnon]

No, that dog. I mean, what dogs do the Greeks even have?

[Christos]

Oh, there's dogs roaming Greece. Just stray ones all over the place. So maybe it was.

[C]

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[Mark Gagnon]

Pro Savings Days are back at Lowe's with limited time savings on the supplies pros need. Get up to 40% off select major appliances plus save an additional $100 on every $1,000 you spend on select major appliances. And don't miss your chance to activate and earn three times the points on select DeWalt and Klein tools Lowe's. We help you save valid the 328 selection varies by location while supplies last. See associate or lowe's.com for more details on qualifying items. Justify yeah, it probably was just a stray dog that just like ran over, I bet. But if you're a soldier and your dog runs over, you got to be like, yeah, that's. That's their dog now. They own that dog they have. That's. You can't run across the lines and be like guys, no, you gotta understand, there's a dog over there.

[Christos]

I think you're more of a cat person, so you're underestimating the love.

[Mark Gagnon]

I'm not a cat person. I hate that this gets put on me all the time. I'm not a cat. I look, I like, I like all animals, okay? But I live in New York City in an apartment. I'm not gonna have a dog in an apartment in New York City. One, I think it's inhumane. You gotta they're cooped up all day. I want a big dog that can run. And secondly, I don't feel like taking them out to go pee on Concrete at 6 in the morning while it's snowing.

[Christos]

You'd rather have piss cat litter in your apartment?

[Mark Gagnon]

A million percent. I would rather my cat throw up in my bed on a regular basis, which she has done, than have to take a dog out on the concrete. I also travel. I do stand up on the road on the weekends which you can see me coming up on. On tour this summer. And I don't want to have to deal with a dog that's. I have to get a kennel. I have to put them in a thing. I gotta find someone to watch. It's like, I'm good. I also don't know what these dog walkers are doing. I'll see dog walkers in New York that are just, like, yanking on dogs. I got seven of them just yanking on them, and I'm like, whoa.

[Christos]

They clean up too.

[Mark Gagnon]

They make money.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Have you looked into it?

[Christos]

Yes.

[Mark Gagnon]

Have you ever dog walked? Of course. Have you really? Yeah. How?

[Christos]

A very short amount of time.

[Mark Gagnon]

How long did you dog walk for?

[Christos]

All of 13 days.

[Mark Gagnon]

No way.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

What happened?

[Christos]

Dogs got a little rowdy.

[Mark Gagnon]

No.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

This is the most crazy between the two. That's crazy. You're like, look, dude, a stray dog ran, and the traffic. I grabbed them. It caused a whole accident. I had to run. I mean, that's crazy. How many dogs were you walking at a time?

[Christos]

Four.

[Mark Gagnon]

Wow.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

And you had to go to all these people's houses, collect the dogs, or were they all in a central spot for you?

[Christos]

They were all in one neighborhood, but that's wild. I signed up for this, like, Craigslist dog walker company.

[Mark Gagnon]

Wow.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

What kind of dogs? Cool dogs.

[Christos]

Two of them were Shih Tzus and then. Yeah. And the other were, like, mutts.

[Mark Gagnon]

I'm fine as a. I like a mutt.

[Christos]

Oh, and one was a Vichle, which are really pretty.

[Mark Gagnon]

What, did you pull that up? I don't even heard of that. It sounds like a. Like an Italian car. A Vishla.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Are they. Are they big?

[Christos]

They're like hunting dogs.

[Mark Gagnon]

Oh, really?

[Christos]

They're really pretty, too.

[Mark Gagnon]

Wow. Oh, that's a nice looking dog.

[Christos]

Yeah. I think they're called, like, pointers or something regal.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, look at that guy. I know.

[Christos]

That's the one that got rowdy, though.

[Mark Gagnon]

Of course. I mean, he's wearing a Cuban link.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, he will chop your ear off, dude. Yeah. Any dog that's wearing human jewelry, I'm like, don't with that dog. Okay.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Like, that's a dog that just doesn't have anything to lose, you know? I mean, he's got a great life.

[Christos]

He's just.

[Mark Gagnon]

He's dressed like the King of Mexico or whatever. Whatever. That picture we pulled above Santa Ana. Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of on the side of. Of the Bulgarians here. If you're in war and there's a standoff and someone runs across your lines. My bad. Bang, bang. Like, I'm not gonna just. I'm not gonna look at the situation in two seconds. You also have the shittiest guns ever. You know what I mean? Like, you can't. Like you're just hoping, oh, this guy's running at us. You don't even necessarily see the dog. Or if you do see the dog, you're like, oh, great, the Greeks are now doing dog warfare where they're sending dogs in with their humans and they're going to jump and attack us now.

[Christos]

So let's recap. Petty list, most petty to least petty.

[Mark Gagnon]

Most petty is the pastries.

[Christos]

Okay.

[Mark Gagnon]

And then second, I'm saying the ear. And then this is the least petty to me, really. 100. Because it's like, what?

[Christos]

Most justified.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's so justified. You're over there standing so terrified, you're 12 years old, Bulgarian kid in the middle of winter, probably. I don't even know when it happened. And yeah, you see a guy running across with a dog or that's a crazy rabid. Unless it's a little dog, we have to see the dog. I'm assuming it's a big dog. If it's a little dog, then it's a little more petty. But regardless, that's where I stand on the pettiness. But don't worry, we got another great, great war. All right, this one is called the War of the Golden Stool.

[Christos]

This could go several ways.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. All right. The War of the Golden Stool. You ready for this one? Strap. In 1900 is. United Kingdom waged a weird war against the Ashanti Empire, which. Can we pull up a picture of? Ashanti, the artist. The. The studio recording artist, Ashanti, if my memory serves. I think she's a piece. Yeah, 44. She looks great for 44. But regardless, Ashanti is an absolute piece. But I don't think she had anything to do with this empire in the early 1900s.

[Christos]

Probably not.

[Mark Gagnon]

I don't think. Was that her real name Ashanti, or was it like a stage name? It's actually interesting to find out because I wonder if that means something. Because this Ashanti empire. Wow. I wonder if she's a ganon. Because the Ashanti empire is what's now known as the West African nation of Ghana. I did not know this. In the early 1900s, the entire war was fought over Golden Stool, which was a long standing sacred symbol of power that was held in great reverence by the Ashanti people. Basically, the British wanted to colonize the entire coastal region of Africa for themselves and disrespect the Golden Stool throne in the process disrespecting the Ashanti people. So tensions flared up 1896, when the British sent troops to occupy the region. Oh, we got to learn more about this stool. Because now at first I thought it was poop same, but now I'm thinking it's like a throne. I don't know. Basically. 1896, the British sent troops to occupy the region. 1900s, the Ashanti stage an uprising. They wanted the British off their land for the European power to give up their colonial dreams in West Africa. The British quickly suppressed the revolt though, and then fully captured the Ashanti city of Kumasi. Wow. It's like an actual stool, my dumbass.

[Christos]

It was a symbol of power in the Ashanti kingdom.

[Mark Gagnon]

Wow. My, my. I'm such an idiot. I was like, oh, this must be about like. I'm ashamed at how dumb I am. That's barely a stool. I mean, I guess it's a stool. What is a stool? Right? I feel like a stool needs to be taller.

[Christos]

This looks like a. The seat of a swing.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, it's more like a. Like a golden swing seat, but yeah. So what's the, what's the deal with this? It's for the Queen Mother. It's in the. It's in the Children's Museum of Indianapolis. I mean, that's even more insulting. Like the. The Ashanti need to do another war against Indianapolis for having their stool in the Children's Museum. I mean, that's embarrassing. So the British capture Kumasi. The British deported all of Ashanti's traditional kings, the Asante Tahini. Asante. Asanteheny. I like that. As well as all of his counselors. In turn, the Ashanti was fully annexed and became part of the United Kingdom's overseas controlled lands as a British colony. Sir Frederick Hodson Hodgson was the British administrator in charge of the entire newly formed colony and went to the Ashanti people and demanded to be allowed to sit on the Golden Stool. Come on, dude, Look, I get colonialism was a thing, okay? In the. Back in the day, people didn't understand human rights and they would just go and be like, you got. We want it. This is the story of humanity, okay? You don't gotta go sit on the stool. It's like, like that just seems completely. Oh my goodness. It says here on Wikipedia, if he could only get position possession of the stool, he would be able to govern the country. For all time, you dumbass.

[Christos]

It's even worse than we thought.

[Mark Gagnon]

Like, bro, if you just had. If you have guns, you can control the whole thing. You don't need the stool. I mean, this guy is, like, so arrogant. Hodgson reasoned that since he was in charge, he wanted to have the benefit of his rule included, including the traditional Golden Stool seat given to all the Ashanti kings. Not surprisingly, the Ashanti rejected this request and rushed the Golden Stool into hiding. What followed was the war of the Golden Stool between the British forces and Ashanti rebels. The battle lasted from March 1900 through September of that year. In total, just over a thousand British soldiers were killed in various skirmishes, While more than 2000 Ashanti men died in the conflict. Damn, that's a lot of death for a stool. For a stool. I mean, that's. I cannot believe this guy Hodgson was such a. Such a. He was like, I have to take the stool. The Golden Stool wasn't brought out of hiding even after the war ended in September. In 1921, a group of African road workers discovered the stool while out on a construction project. They stripped much of the gold from it. Come on, guys. I hate that. That's how that happened. I wish that they found it and they were like, these motherfuckers kept the stool. And they were like, yeah, we're gonna put our king on it. Ashanti leaders called for their execution, but the British took the road workers into custody and eventually negotiated that they would merely be banished rather than killed. Then the Golden Stool was finally brought out of hiding and returned to its rightful Ashanti owners, and then to the Indianapolis Children's Museum. I mean, what the hell? How did it get there? I mean, that is messed up.

[Christos]

I would assume that the US Took control of it.

[Mark Gagnon]

And then they were like, hey, we need the stool, right? So we could do a story time, put a drag queen on there and read to the kids in Indianapolis. I mean, that's crazy.

[Christos]

Probably part of the treaty.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, what an idiot that this guy was like, all right, I'm the king. Look, dude, you're not the king. You go there, you take all the resources, you kill all the people, and then you leave. Like. Like the. The audacity to be like, I'm the king. I. I completely understand the Ashanti here. They're like, hey, you guys win fair and square, but you don't have to, like, desecrate our thing. Be cool. Be cool with your colonization. You know what I mean? Like, if someone robs me and they come to my house, they Say, hey, give me your wallet. Give me your tv. Da, da, da, da. I'm like, that's fine. And then they take my special mug, and they go, we're taking. We're sitting in your special Lazy Boy, and we're watching Severance on your tv. I'd be like, this is not even. This is not even benefiting you.

[Christos]

It's overkill.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's. You're just doing this to piss me off. So it's like, hey, if you want to be a good colonist, why are you going over there and stealing the stool? I mean, that just seems crazy. I don't know. This seems sort of. It seems petty. This one is tricky because it's so completely petty from the British side.

[Christos]

Right?

[Mark Gagnon]

Not petty from the Ashanti side, but super petty. I mean, don't do that. This reminds me of that woman that climbed up the Aztec Pyramid, which also. I think she was British. You never saw this?

[Christos]

No.

[Mark Gagnon]

Some woman, like, recently climbed to the top of the Aztec pyramid, like, looked inside and was, like, running around. And then when she came down, people just, like, beat the. Out of her. They were like. Like, they had sticks, like, guards, and they were just like, get off the. Get off the thing.

[Christos]

She was. She climbed just to get a view.

[Mark Gagnon]

Just, like, to take a peek. She was like, yeah, it's fine. I can do this. The audacity. Yeah. The golden stool. I mean, this is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3, 000 people died for this. Like, at a certain point also, I guess from the Ashanti side, you got to be like, hey, we got conquered. It sucks. Like, this is like, all right, you.

[Christos]

Know, to the winner goes the spoils.

[Mark Gagnon]

I get. It's like, just don't do it in front of us. I don't know. No, I'm pissed off. I'm completely on the Ashanti side on this one, because that's dumb as hell. Oh, this is a great one. The football war. Not the football. You're thinking of the actual. The actual football. Football, the world's game. And that's what happened recently. 1969. The Beatles were already making music by the time the football war happened between Honduras and El Salvador. Oh, do I have some Honduran soccer stories? I went. I went to Honduras for two weeks every summer in high school.

[Christos]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Gagnon]

We went to Tagusi Galpa and San Pedro Sula, and we would play soccer against the locals. And these guys. Vicious. Really? You never met, like, a more hardcore soccer fan that liked to play rough and hard than a Honduran. Never in my life. And I thought it was just like the guys we were playing against. If you ever watch Honduras and like the Copa America or like the concacaf, anything that, where they play on a national stage, they are hardcore. Like, they are just straight up. Like, I, I think they're Inca or they're Aztec. I don't think there's any like Spanish in them. They just people up. Like their, their whole energy is like, yeah, these guys, they are crazy.

[Christos]

These guys look like they want trouble.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, they wanna, they wanna you up. They don't care really that much about playing. They want to win, but more importantly, they just want to go cleats in on you. These are, these are bad boys. So I already, I'm like, el Salvador might have a point, but let's find out. The occasion was a competitive game with a shot to go to the 1970 World Cup. In the first game, June 8th in Tegucigalpa, Honduras wins one, nothing fair and square. The second game in San Salvador, the host team, el Salvador, wins 3, 0. So the teams play a final playoff match in Mexico City. In that one, El Salvador won a nail biter, a 3, 2 finish. During and after each of those matches, riots broke out and necessitated swift government response. Not surprised by any of this. Like these countries, specifically Honduras, these guys love a good riot. And if you're watching the game and you can't even get your, your cleats dirty, you're like, oh my, I'm socking the first guy I see. The issue was the fact that Salvadorians had been migrating to Honduras for a decade by this point. Their migration began in the early 20th century, and by 1969, more than 300,000 Salvadorians allegedly were living in Honduras. In fact, at that time, Salvadorians accounted for more than 10% of the Honduran population. Whoa. Local people in Honduras didn't like it. They felt that the Salvadorans were taking jobs and resources meant for Honduran natives. So through each football match between the two countries, violence against Salvadorians in Tegucigalpa and elsewhere ramped up. In return, on the same day as the third football match, El Salvador severed all diplomatic ties with Honduras. That's wild. And then the war started. Salvadorian air force attacked Honduran military targets inside Honduras's borders. That caught the Honduras air force off guard, even though it was better equipped of the two countries in terms of military provisions. Over the next four days, fighting occurred in skirmishes and battles across Honduras. There were about 2 to 3,000 troops and civilians that were Killed before the Organization of American States rushed in and begged for a ceasefire. El Salvador eventually withdrew its troops and the war ended four days after it began. Many lives were lost, though, and it bubbled up because of a football game. Can you tell me how El Salvador did in the 1970 World Cup? That's crazy that this one game caused a war, but also it. It is crazy. But at the same time, I'm a full believer that sports is just a proxy for war. Sports is just war with rules. Like, all, like, I think people don't realize this about, like, European soccer, like all these Italian, like, cities for a millennia were their own little enclaves that had different, like, political rules different. Like, even ethnic beliefs like, like backgrounds, like Sicilians look different than, like, Milanese and stuff. Like, so whenever they played soccer, it was literally the two towns having a war with each other civilly. Like, they just found infrastructure to fight. So whenever people look at, like, European soccer, they're always like, man, these guys are crazy. They're lighting flares. There's Ryan. It's like, yeah, because it's existing as.

[C]

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[Mark Gagnon]

You don't wake up dreaming of McDonald's fries. You wake up dreaming of McDonald's hash browns. McDonald's breakfast comes first. A proxy for war. And this is no different. That's wild. All right, El Salvador, they cause a war. They cause an entire blow up in their own country. They. They risk the lives of thousands of people. They win the game, they make it to the World cup, and they play the ussr, lose two, nothing. And then they play Belgium, lose three, nothing. And then they play Mexico, lose four, nothing. Get knocked out without winning a game or scoring a point. Damn. Yeah, but also, they had a lot on their minds. They had a whole war going. They had a lot on.

[Christos]

You got to think some of those players were in the war.

[Mark Gagnon]

Probably a couple. They lost a striker. Yeah, he was literally in the air force. That's what they called him, a striker because he was dropping bombs on the Hondurans.

[Christos]

Right.

[Mark Gagnon]

That's crazy. I mean, look I get that again, I like all of these. It's just people kind of looking for a reason to fight. Like, my wife always says this.

[Christos]

Oh, boy.

[Mark Gagnon]

If the reaction to the thing is above a 5, it's not about the thing. So, like, my wife asked me to empty the dishwasher. I don't do it. She gets mad, freaks out. She's like, you know, you don't have to dishwasher if it's above a 5. It's not about the dishwasher. It's about some other thing.

[Christos]

You didn't do the bed that morning.

[Mark Gagnon]

I'm cheating. I have another family in Seattle. You know, like, whatever the thing is, that is what's going to piss her off. And so I think the same thing goes here. We're like, if the reaction is above a 5, like, oh, we're going to start a war and kill thousands of people. It's not about the soccer game, but the soccer game is the catalyst that caused the whole thing.

[Christos]

Sure. Straw that broke the camel's back.

[Mark Gagnon]

Precisely. The straw that broke your wife's back. That is. Exactly. And not that my wife is a camel. She's a beautiful lady. Okay. Similar humps. You know what I'm saying? But it's different. I can understand also if you're a Honduras. It's hilarious to me because I actually never knew that Central American countries also, like, I can't believe Honduras feels about El Salvador the way we feel about all them.

[Christos]

That's the undercurrent.

[Mark Gagnon]

You know what I mean?

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Like, that would be like America playing Mexico.

[Christos]

Right.

[Mark Gagnon]

And then what is it? America win. No. Yeah, America. No, Mexico wins the first game, and then America wins. And then Mexico wins. The whole thing goes to the World cup. And America's like, y'all, of course we couldn't score on you. You know what I mean?

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

You guys have a wall, but we don't. You know what I mean? That's what they should have done, the Hondurans. They did. They needed a better wall on their border and in front of the goal.

[Christos]

Also accounts for. They were. They counted for 10 of the Honduran population. That's a lot.

[Mark Gagnon]

That's a lot. Which it's so funny because, like, from, like, the racist American perspective, Americans are like, there's a difference. Like, there's like, multiple guys listening to this right now. Wichita, Kansas, like, what is El Salvador?

[Christos]

Right.

[Mark Gagnon]

They're like, I thought that was all. There's America, Mexico, Central America, South America. Four countries. And apparently these countries are mad at Each other. But yeah, no. So that's a real thing. I completely understand. And the Hondurans, the. I. Dude, I played a soccer game one time. We went. We were down there doing, like, a medical mission trip. So, like, we were, like, giving people.

[Christos]

What's a medical mission.

[Mark Gagnon]

You go down there, you go up to the mountains where they don't necessarily have, like, dewormer and stuff, or, like, you know, like basic medical care. And you'll, like, see a guy with, like, a broken arm. And then, like, there's a surgeon that'll be like, hey, your arm never set properly. So, like, we're going to fix your arm. Or, like, oh, the kid has a distended belly because they have a parasite. Here's a deworming pill that costs, like 50 cents. That's going to, like, get rid of your parasite. Or, like, oh, you have bad eyes. Here's a free pair of glasses. And now you can see. And so we were down there for that. And then we played a soccer game at a hydroelectric plant in San Pedro Sula. So I forget who built it, but they built this giant hydroelectric dam that powered, like, the whole village, and on it were all the workers that maintained the hydroelectric dam, and they slept on the property. And so we would go, me and, like, four or five of my buddies from high school that all played soccer, and we would go play a soccer game against them. To this day, the most intense, exhilarating soccer game I've ever played in my whole life. I played in state championships, odp, like, national games. This. Not even close. This was by far the greatest game I ever played. It was me, four or five of my buddies from high school, and just, like, I don't know, seven or eight Honduran men that were just, like, probably pro at one point. And we were going back and forth, just slide tackling. It was, like, under the lights, on, like, a nice turf field in the middle of this hydroelectric plant. And, like, everyone was watching on the sidelines. Like, the girls from my high school that, like, I was crushing on, they were, like, watching on the fence, like, banging on the fence, like, going crazy. It was awesome. We lost eight nothing. But it was an awesome game. It was fun, it was exhilarating. And, yeah, a lot of respect to the Honduran people. I love Honduras.

[Christos]

There was a soccer field in the middle of a hydroelectric plant.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, what else are you going to do? You got to work all day, then at nighttime you just want to crush a Modelo and just ball out with the boys. So I, like, I like the Hondurans. They're. They're a good group of guys.

[Christos]

Poor comparison. The Mexican population is as much.

[Mark Gagnon]

Wow. 11% of the US population was Mexican American in 2022. So checks out. But I feel like. I don't know. At least me personally, I like a Mexican immigrant coming over here making great food. Except in New York. Mexican immigrants in New York can make every food except Mexican food. Someone explain that to me. The best Italian food in New York. Mexicans are making it the best French food. Mexicans are making it the best French pastries. Okay. Probably a French Mexican guy that got robbed. Like, they're making all the best food. But then there's no great Mexican food in New York City. It's crazy. But if you find, like, a taco truck, you find a thing, it's all fine. But in terms of, like, the South, California, like, Texas Mexican food, they don't have it. So my only request to the Mexicans coming over legally, illegally, I don't really give a. Bring the good home brace that are able to make, like, I don't know, chilaquiles or, like, I don't know, a taquito that slaps something.

[Christos]

Maybe they're just the best learners of cuisine.

[Mark Gagnon]

But learn your own cuisine. Make it like your abuelita. Make it, like. Make it like, mama do that. I don't know. That's. That's my only gripe. Another gripe, actually, just for the record, for. For all Latinos, I feel like this is like the Bible. This is Mark. A letter to the Latinos. Stop calling your kids Poppy. I was at the park the other day with my son. He's not even able to be at the park. I was just holding him in, like, my little carrier. And, like, I was talking to this. This woman. I think she was Mexican. She was like, yeah, yeah. This is my. My husband Fernando, and this is our son Poppy. Like, excuse me, your son Poppy? He's like, yes. Come on, Papi. So they call their sons Poppy or Papisito. Little Poppy. It's weird.

[Christos]

There's a big.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's weird. Don't do that.

[Christos]

There's a big algorithm thing going around with Latinos who call you Papacito. You haven't seen this?

[Mark Gagnon]

No. Oh, dude. I mean, don't get me wrong. If a Latina woman called me Papi, that's the great.

[Christos]

I mean, you're saying, don't call the kids that.

[Mark Gagnon]

Don't call it. Call me that.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Don't call the kids that. Right. That's weird. Gives them a complex.

[Christos]

I agree.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. I mean, he's walking around his whole life, like from 7 years old being like, yeah, I'm Poppy. Anyway, let me know what you think. If you're Latino, if your parents called you Poppy. Do you like it? Does it make you feel weird? I'd love to know. What's up, guys, we're gonna take a break really quick because I'm sitting here in my beautiful tent, as you can see, every week, day in, day out. And people always ask, they say, mark, how do I have a tent like that? I want to. I want to sit in a beautiful tent and invite a lover, a friend, you know, someone that I appreciate and adore. I want to give them a good time inside my tent. Well, it's easy. Thanks to the good folks [e-mail]. that's right. Bluechew is the original OG brand offering chewable tablets. And what do these tablets do? Oh, I'm glad you asked. They are going to give you the just a stronger, harder and longer lasting sexual performance. That's right. They're going to help you pitch a tent any place, anywhere. And the best part, it's all done online. That means you don't have to go to a doctor's office and, you know, talk to him, be like, oh, you know, I'm feeling some type of way. Look, this is not for people that are, you know, lacking necessarily. This is for people to want to have the best experience of their life, whether it's Valentine's Day, birthday, a funeral, who knows, whenever you need it. You never know when you could use bluechew. And we have a special deal for the listeners of this program. That's right. Try your first month of BlueChew for free. That's right. Completely free. Mark, is it going to work for me? Is this, hey, it's free. Why not just try it? Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring this podcast. All right, now let's get after it and let's get back to the show. All right, let's talk about the pig tension. The pig tension, also known as the pig war. This happened basically between the United States and Great Britain. 1859. The San Juan Island, a chunk of land located between mainland United States and Vancouver Island. Can we get a picture of that on the map? The. The San Juan Island. At the time, the island was home to the American settlers and British employees of the Hudson Bay Company. Both parties had laid claim to the fertile soil. First and only shots of the Pig War came on June 15, 1859, when an American farmer named Lyman Cutler gunned a British owned black boar. Oh, wow. This is actually beautiful. This is San Juan. Yeah. I mean, this is gorgeous. I mean, I. I mean, already I'm on board. I'm like, yeah, I would fight for this. It's a sick piece of land. Make a little lake house. Oh, it's going to get cold, though. Right? Between Seattle and.

[Christos]

Oh, jeez.

[Mark Gagnon]

And Vancouver. I mean, it seems like a small little crop of land that they're battling over. Orca Islands, Lopez Islands, and San Juan Island. Well, apparently there's a great war that busted out. Here's how. Here's how it went down. The first and only shots of the pig war came June 15, 1859. An American farmer named Lyman Cutler gunned down a black owned. Nope, not. Not black. It's a black owned business. Okay. It was. They're trying to get us started. All right. They were just trying to make it happen in America. So they had a black. No, it was a British owned black boar. After he discovered the animal rooting in his potato patch. So imagine that you're an American farmer, you see a pig in your patch going after all your potatoes, and you shoot it. The ensuing argument over the dead hog increased tensions between the two groups of settlers. And Cutler was threatened with arrest. After the Americans reported the incident to the military, the US army dispatched Captain George Pickett. I know that guy. A Confederate general during the Civil War. That's what this guy was doing prior to the Civil War. He was going after black owned businesses. There you go. The San Juan. With a small complement of troops, Pickett upped the ante by declaring the whole island US Property. And the British responded by sending a fleet of heavily armed naval vessels to the coastline. An absurd standoff ensued. The situation remained on a knife edge for several agonizing weeks, and the two nations would finally negotiate a deal allowing for joint military occupation of San Juan island in 1859. Ending the pig war as a bloodless stalemate. I wouldn't say bloodless. Bloodless. Seems like nothing happened. Oh, this guy looks racist as hell. George Pickett. What is it about this facial hair that just means, like, hey, I don't support minorities. Right?

[Christos]

Like, it's a little resentment that they can't grow the full goatee.

[Mark Gagnon]

Is that what it is? Yeah, I mean, because like, you only see, like, racist white dudes with this facial. That's a tough look with like the long goatee, the long cover the lip stash. So people can't see you saying that one word. You know, it just seems like all of them had this. I mean, so he was a confederate guy.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, crazy George Pickett. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's. That's how he got his last name. That's what he was saying to all those slaves down there.

[Christos]

Apparently, he hung union prisoners.

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, it makes sense, right, if you're in a war. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, that's. That's not crazy, but, yeah. Apparently the situation was ultimately bloodless. No one else got killed except for the one pig, but. Almost started an entire, entire battle over one pig. I don't know. I'm like, this one seems like the right thing was done. It's like, hey, this is our property. This pig is ours. Yeah. How do they even tell if it's a British pig? Right?

[Christos]

Has bad teeth.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, exactly. It's like you look at the pig and you're like, yeah, this pig is not seen a dentist since 1400.

[Christos]

It's witty.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. It has a dry humor, probably. I don't know. It's. I guess they knew that it was their pig. I guess the English were like, all these pigs are ours because there are no pigs in North America. So if the pig is here, it's our pig. So then it's like, yo, you killed our pig. We need our get back. But then the fact that everyone was like, all right, this is. Come on, it's a pig.

[Christos]

Let's just have a feast of the pig.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. Let's just talk about it, figure it out. Have a little. We'll dine, you know, and then we'll just call it even. Like, to me, I'm like, all right, no harm, no foul. Seems like everyone did the right thing here. I'm not. I'm not as angry about this, but this is not the last animal related fight. The fight for bird. You ever heard of this? Mid 19th century Spain Isabella II attempted to regain the power and riches it formerly boasted in South America. With American engaging in its own civil war. Unable to enforce the Monroe Doctrine, Spain's adventurism intensified in the 1860s. A brief conflict with Peru in 1864 led to a peaceful resolution, though Spain demanded reparations paid to Spanish citizens of the country. When Peru refused, the Spanish navy occupied the Chincha Islands, a source of considerable revenue for the Peruvian government. Where did this revenue come from? That's a great question. The revenue from this little island, Chincha island, came from bird shit called guano, harvested for processing as fertilizer. That's wild. Also, is that a picture of Isabella ii? This is. Oof. Not her best look. Some of the other pictures seem a little better. Oh, this is the OG Photoshop. The paintings of her look amazing. And then the pictures of her, like, woof.

[Christos]

I mean, just back then, this meant.

[Mark Gagnon]

She was wealthy, I guess. I don't know. I don't even believe that. I hear people say all the time, like, no, no. Being pale and fat back in the day was a sign that you didn't work, that you were fed well, you weren't in the sun. There's no way, right? Like. Like, part of me is like, I just. I refuse to believe this. I know it's probably technically true, but just the part of me that, like, as a straight man, okay, and I'm not trying to brag, but I like chicks. I feel like I know more or less like, hey, being giant. Being. Being a giant fatty is suboptimal.

[Christos]

But they say the wide bearing hips are.

[Mark Gagnon]

Enough with this, bro. Come on. You're telling me you would take Isabell. Sofia Vergara.

[Christos]

Sofia Vergara has childbearing hips, but she's not a fatty.

[Mark Gagnon]

You know what I mean? She's got a fatty, but she's not fat. You know what I'm saying?

[Christos]

They were beauty standards. No Instagram, back then.

[Mark Gagnon]

Oh, my goodness. It just seems. It just seems wild that they did have beauty standards. Because if you look at Isabella, the picture, she looks very different than the painting. To me. That indicates that they knew something was up and that this whole thing of, like, oh, people that were fat were more attractive. This is revisionist history. This is British propaganda. They were like, no, no, no, they weren't fat. They were hot, actually. You don't know. Actually, they were actually super hot. And the hair. If their hair looked like Princess Leia. Yeah. If their hair looked like Star wars, that actually was the hottest. Because they meant they were from the future. This is revisionist history. To the T. I'm not a fan of any of this. I fully adhere to the idea that, like, being lightly tanned and, you know, voluptuous is always going to be the hottest thing across time.

[C]

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[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, look up here. Do something. Search. Ancient carving of a woman's body. Look, these are not thin women, but they're not fat. The Venus figurine. That one is fat. Yeah, that one. I don't know what's going on with that. Maybe she's pregnant. I don't know.

[Christos]

That's my last Tinder date.

[Mark Gagnon]

But the torso of Aphrodite. Look at that. I mean, okay, that's.

[Christos]

Is that not the one?

[Mark Gagnon]

No, that one right there, Look. That is great. That's not fat. That. That's perfect. That is. That is the. That is the prime female form.

[Christos]

Gabe, blur half of this, by the way.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah, it's hilarious. We have to blur that. But, yeah, I mean, it makes sense. That is the ideal woman. Okay.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

Beautiful bosom, great hips, no head, no arms. Okay? That is the ideal. That is what men truly want. Okay? So, yeah, I think we can agree. All right. I mean, look, Michelangelo's David sculpted way back when. When Was it even 1200?

[Christos]

Who knows?

[Mark Gagnon]

Let's find out. Actually, because I'm. I'm. I'm embarrassed. I don't even know when Michelangelo's David was. Was made. 1501. All right. I wasn't that far off.

[Christos]

Yeah, sure.

[Mark Gagnon]

300 years, 1501. And this is what the ideal male form was. Which is so funny that people were like, yo, there's rumors that Michelangelo was gay. Have you heard this before?

[Christos]

Yes.

[Mark Gagnon]

Oh, there's rumors. Some people suspect he was obviously gay. Why?

[Christos]

Why?

[Mark Gagnon]

All day, he just drew dudes dicks, and his name was Michelangelo.

[Christos]

But he drew them smaller. Yeah. Than they actually were because it was thought of as obscene.

[Mark Gagnon]

Sure. Okay. He made him a little petite. Okay. Which I would argue that's even gayer. They, like, you're considering, like, the. The beauty of the phallus. You know what I mean? Like, if you're a straight sculptor, you're like, look, this is what it looks like. I'm drawing it the way it was, that when I draw dicks, I just draw what I think they look like. That's. I'm not. I'm not trying to sculpt the ultimate penis. Okay? But now these gu. Michelangelo, back in the day, him and his boys, they were like, what can we make? We can make anything. The torso of Aphrodite, a beautiful woman. No, I'm drawing dudes penises. All Day. And my name is Michelangelo. Tell me if you ever met a guy, he's like, hi, I'm Michelangelo. You'd be like, okay, well, you're a little. You're a little creative. You know what I mean? Hey, Michael, you're an Italian, you know.

[Christos]

Well, there was a Ninja turtle, Michelangelo.

[Mark Gagnon]

And what. What. What was his weapon?

[Christos]

I don't remember. The two.

[Mark Gagnon]

Dildo. It was. I'm pretty sure I've never seen ninja, but I'm pretty sure it was something to that effect. It was phallic flesh. I'm just saying, dude. I don't know. Michelangelo.

[Christos]

I mean, it's not like he.

[Mark Gagnon]

Michael's name. Mike. Well, his parents knew. They probably. They probably named him, like, I don't know, something sick. They named him Balthazar.

[Christos]

Okay.

[Mark Gagnon]

And then when they saw him running around in his sister's slippers, they were like, all right, Michelangelo. I'm just saying, it doesn't seem like a mystery to me that he was gay. The greatest artist of all time, the straight guy. Hard time believing that. Anyway, this was a battle over bird poop. Can we get back to this? Nearly half of all government revenues for Peru. Half of the government revenues for Peru came from guano harvested from the islands. Unable to sustain itself and with widespread unrest threatening the country, the Peruvian government collapsed because it didn't have enough bird. Can we get a picture of this guano? Can we see what that looks like? On January 14, 1866, a new Peruvian regime declared war on Spain and determined to regain the island so critical to its economy. Wow. The war evolved into mainly a naval conflict, with Spanish ships engaging Peruvian forts and land batteries. Armed conflict ended 1866 when the Spanish fleet withdrew. The Chincha Islands and their valuable bird droppings remained disputed territory until 1879. Peru finally gained control of the bird droppings, which fueled so much of the national economy. That's crazy that most of Peru's economy was based off of bird poop. Guana or guano. Wow. It's a rich organic fertilizer. It's composed of seabird droppings. It was a significant economic asset.

[Christos]

Wow.

[Mark Gagnon]

Go to the images. I want to see what this thing looks like. I mean, you couldn't just bring these seabirds somewhere else? Oh, that thing. What is that? This looks like a piece of clay. Oh, look at these guys. They're still doing it to this day. Click on that. Whoa.

[Christos]

Wait. Don't they get sick doing this?

[Mark Gagnon]

I mean, it's probably not good for you. Anytime you see a picture of a guy with a Bag on his shoulder. He's getting sick.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's just. Yeah, you're getting. Pick a place, pick a time. If you're doing this with a bag on your shoulder, it's not. You're not having a good time. All right? You're here for a short time, not a good time, I guess. Yeah. This is not a. It's not a. An illustrious job. It's what you got to do, though. You know, some people in different places, they got different ways to ride. But the fact that they were harvesting bird poop and that this was a major source of contention.

[Christos]

I mean, this guy's wearing a mask.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. He probably has coveted working overtime. Respect. It is. It sounds dumb. I'll be honest. Where it's like, oh, you're fighting over bird poop. Oh, so dumb. But also, it's like, okay, you're fighting over oil. What is oil? That's just dinosaur bones. Right?

[Christos]

Right.

[Mark Gagnon]

And what are dinosaurs? Birds.

[Christos]

Not all of them.

[Mark Gagnon]

A lot of them. Basically, birds. Look up. Look at. Do you know dinosaurs had feathers? Right? This is like a. I don't even know. This is, like, disputed, I think, but, like, a lot of people are like, oh, yeah, we think dinosaurs actually had feathers. They're like. They were more related to, like, giant chickens. All right. They're basically giant chickens.

[Christos]

Some dinosaurs had feathers.

[Mark Gagnon]

Look at that. The T. Rex might have been fully feathered out. He might have looked like he was at carnival. That is what dinosaurs apparently look like. That. They were just. That's what the T. Rex's sound was. That's. That's a T. Rex noise. Like, that's most times I did. Every dinosaur is feathered out. They were all it. They look like Native Americans, bro. That's. That's. That's what dinosaurs wore. They had a whole headdress. And all I'm saying is that. But what is oil? Let's say it's dinosaur bones, okay? What are dinosaurs? Those are birds. It's like, oh, you went into the whole war in Iraq and invaded the Middle east over what? Dead birds, dead bird fossils, fertilizer. So, look, it sounds kind of dumb, but at the same time, I'm like, no, I get it. So, yeah, sure, it can be kind of reduced to being a dumb thing. I'm gonna say this one. Not petty at all. This seems like the most war of all the wars. It's like, hey, you're taking our land to grab resources, right? That is what is, like, Russia and Ukraine. It's like, oh, there's rich minerals Here, we're going to take that. And America's like, okay, we're going to protect Ukraine, but give us the minerals. It's like, okay, everyone's just fighting over resources. And this is literally a giant resource that you can fertilize food for your entire country. Feed everyone. This is the least petty. This is just. That's a war. This is a. This is a. That's just a war. I respect that a lot. All right, we got one more. One more dumb war. The Toledo dispute. Do you know what Toledo is?

[Christos]

Ohio.

[Mark Gagnon]

You're exactly right. 1835, the states of Ohio and Michigan went to war kind of over Toledo and a long, fertile, important strip of land running across their border. It all started with the area now known as the Toledo Strip. Can we get a picture of the Toledo Strip? I bet you it's beautiful. The city itself was included, along with the mouth of the Mami River. Maumee River. Let's just go with mommy river, mamacito. Yeah. Hell, yeah. The Poppy river leading into Lake Erie. The farmland around there was seen as being particularly fertile and possibly financially important. Plus, the river and the Toledo port were major economic assets. So the land of Ohio and Michigan were both desperately wanting to have access to all that. Without very clear boundaries having been marked out in the prior century, both territories thought they were the ones with rightful access and dominion over Toledo and the Toledo Strip, which is now, I believe, a gentleman's club located in Ohio. I think it should be. If it's not, I'm patenting that immediately.

[Christos]

What you ask for when you get a wax.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, yeah. Give me one straight line down the middle of fentanyl. The whole thing came to a Head in 1835 when Michigan petitioned the federal government for statehood. In doing so, they included Toledo in the entire Toledo Strip within their borders. What did Ohio think of this? They were pissed. Ohio was like, they didn't want to give up what they felt was theirs. I mean, it's named Toledo. So as we know, that's Ohio. You know what I mean? Quickly. Each state's governor passed legislation making it illegal for residents of the Toledo Strip to submit to the authority of the other states. Ugh, how awkward. Like, you're rushing a fraternity and you're like, everyone's making promises. I don't know. Everyone's got a good offer. Both states then sent militia members to their respective sides of the Toledo Strip. Thankfully, no militiamen actually fought each other, and nobody died. They mostly just taunted each other for a while. From across the disputed state lines, which is so very gay. They just made fun of each other. Oh, you want to have this drink? That's so dumb. Shoot someone, dude. They just looked each other from across the state lines, Only once, ever firing shots which missed all their targets. In the end, one person was injured. Joseph wood. He's a law enforcement officer who was stabbed during a minor dust up as a part of the land dispute. Thankfully, he survived. By the summer of 1836, the U. S. Congress wanted the whole thing to end, so they brokered a compromise. Ohio would get claim to the entirety of the toledo strip. In an Exchange, Michigan got 3/4 of the upper peninsula for themselves. At the time, Michigan felt that they got the raw end of the deal. However, it turned out the upper peninsula was very rich in minerals, and it ended up working out okay for him. See, there you go. That's. That's just a good lesson right there. Hey, just sometimes it all works out. God's looking out for the michiganders, you know, they didn't think it would at the time, But Michigan was in dire financial straits as they entered the union, so they didn't have much sway to be able to turn down congress's compromising demands. So it was one of the strangest, quote, wars in american history that was kind of fought over Toledo. I mean, that is probably the dumbest civil war, like, of all, like, the internal american strife that's ever happened. Civil war. You're like, yeah, that's completely justified. Trying to think what else when people in philly destroyed philly after they won the super bowl or something, like, all right, justified this. Toledo. Have you been to toledo?

[Christos]

No.

[Mark Gagnon]

Not worth fighting for. I'll be honest with you. Sorry, Ohio. It's really not.

[Christos]

Is it a war if nobody dies?

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. I mean, what even counts as a war, right? It seems more like a skirmish.

[Christos]

Yeah.

[Mark Gagnon]

A dispute. I think that's probably a better way to put this. A dispute. This is a dispute. It's a domestic dispute. Right? Like when a marriage understanding a married couple, they're yelling at each other. Is that. Is that a fight? Is that a war? It's a dispute.

[Christos]

For some couple.

[Mark Gagnon]

It's a dispute. That's all.

[Christos]

You know, she goes on a girls trip to Miami.

[Mark Gagnon]

She goes on a girls trip to miami.

[Christos]

That might be a war.

[Mark Gagnon]

Actually, that I think is that. Is you gotta call in american troops to invade spain.

[Christos]

Dog's a bounty hunter.

[Mark Gagnon]

Exactly. You gotta. You gotta invade cuba and you gotta say, hey, what you guys are doing down in miami to my Wife uncalled for. Okay, get all these poppies out of here. I agree. She went to Poppy Steak, run by a six year old who got grand ideas from his mom. Anyway, these are some of the dumbest wars, dumbest tensions, dumbest disputes, and. Yeah, here's our ranking. Yeah, let's re. I think French pastry's got to be the pettiest, because it's like, look. Yeah, you got. You got your ran. You know, I mean, that's the game. Like, you got jacked. I'm sorry. Like, you don't have to start a whole war over it. And the fact that people died in that one. Crazy, right? So that one I'm gonna say is probably the most petty. And then the Toledo dispute. I mean, if we even count that as a war, I'm like, I don't even know. But also, I would put that low because I'm like, that is like land. If you're fighting over land, that's just everywhere ever. So whatever.

[Christos]

Bird poopoo. Is over minerals.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. So I'm fine with that being not petty. Football war. I'm gonna put higher. I think football war has got to be two, really? Because, look, it is ultimately a war over immigration, which if you want to fight a war over that, I mean, whatever. But it's also like, you did it after a football game, which is. You're dumb. You're a. You're a. For that. You guys lost.

[Christos]

You played soccer.

[Mark Gagnon]

Yeah. And you lose a game, you don't start a war over it. That's very dumb. Like, look, I get it Makes sense to me. But also dumb. Right? And then the Greek and then the stool. I think, look, that both y'all got to be like, hey, we got beat. The other guy's gonna be like, hey, I shouldn't send your stool. You know what I mean? And then I think, Greek dog. Yeah, the Greek dog. That one. Like, I can understand both sides. Bird poop. That's a fully reasonable war. And then Toledo. I don't even know if you can count that one. And Jenkins ear. We didn't even include that one. I'm gonna put Jenkins ear maybe at like four. Yeah, probably. Maybe even five. I don't know. Somewhere in there. But yeah, those are the pettiest disputes, conflicts, wars in human history. Maybe we missed some. And if we did, I would love to know. Please, shoot me a comment. Write me a letter. Maybe send me a gift in a box, including a small little piece of paper hidden and a secret cubby that contains the secrets of the most petty war of all time. If that's what you'd like to do, I would love to know what you think. I would also love just some comments here. Just Miles, drop one of those in the chat just for the vibes. And as always, this has been an episode of camp. This has been tent talks. And I appreciate each and every one of you for holding us down and listening and supporting this show. It means the world. I read every one of your comments, the good and the bad, and I appreciate you guys for just holding us down and just being with us. You know, we're experimenting with all sorts of different types of content. Talking to experts, talking to people with crazy life stories, just having my comedy buddies and then sometimes just talking to y'all, which I enjoy quite a lot, to be honest with you. So please write a comment, let me know what you're thinking. If you have other topics for future episodes, I would love to know. Shoot me an email. Drop them in the comments here. And as always, we got merch on the website. You can see that in the description. And also, I'm on the road. Check me out. I would love to see you. After every show I say what's up to everybody that came out because it means the world to me. I mean, just a few years ago I was doing open mics in Orlando, Florida at a coffee shop for four drunk people. And now I get to go on the road and actually meet real comedy fans that like to hear wild jokes. And it just absolutely blows my mind that that is my life. It is truly a mind bending experience. So I'm excited for you guys to come out and see me there. And as always, I'll see you here every week, twice a week, even sometimes on Sundays. Over at Religion Camp, we are dropping content all the time and I'll see you there. Peace. If you've made it to the end of this episode, that's because you rock with us. And for that, we rock with you. You are sophisticated. You enjoy honest, true communication. A highbrowed type of person that understands this history is not just dates and names. It is a tapestry of human triumph and tragedy. From the day Nostradamus made his first prophecy to the morning Paul Revere took his midnight ride from ancient oracles to modern revolutionaries. That is why I need you. If you have not already, please sign up for today and hit our free newsletter. Today in History brings you the stories that matter, the moments that changed everything, and the secrets hidden in time. Join thousands of history enthusiasts who get their daily journey through time don't let another day of history pass you by. Take the conversation to your inbox. Sign up now through the QR code or link in the description Today in history. Because history's stories shape tomorrow's world. Thank you for watching the episode. We'll see you next time.