Podcast Summary: Camp Gagnon

Episode Title: History’s Pettiest Wars: Pastry War, Stray Dog War, & Bird Poop War
Release Date: March 25, 2025
Host: Mark Gagnon
Producer: Christos

Introduction to Petty Wars

Mark Gagnon opens the episode by reflecting on the futility and often senseless nature of war, citing Dwight Eisenhower’s remark that war is "mankind's most tragic and stupid folly." He sets the stage for an exploration of some of the most absurd and petty wars in history, ranging from conflicts sparked by stolen pastries to disputes over bird droppings.

Mark Gagnon [00:00]: "War. Mankind's most tragic and stupid folly."

1. War of Jenkins' Ear

The first conflict discussed is the War of Jenkins' Ear, which exemplifies how a seemingly minor incident can escalate into full-scale war.

• Background:

  • Robert Jenkins, a Welsh master mariner, commanded the Rebecca, a smuggling brig operating in the Caribbean in 1731.
  • His ship was boarded by the Spanish vessel La Isabella near Havana, Cuba. During the boarding, Jenkins' ear was severed under disputed circumstances.

• Catalyst for War:

  • Jenkins presented his severed ear to King George II, symbolizing Spanish aggression against British trade.
  • The British government used this incident as a propaganda tool to rally support for war, leading to the official declaration of war in 1739.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The British initially captured Portobello in Panama but faced a catastrophic defeat at Cartagena de Indias in 1741 due to strong Spanish defenses and logistical failures.
  • The war eventually merged into the broader War of the Austrian Succession, diminishing its initial significance.
  • Robert Jenkins later served with the East India Company and became a supervisor on St. Helena Island, forever marked by the incident.

Mark Gagnon [08:27]: "The defeat marked a turning point, forcing the British to scale back their Caribbean ambitions."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark and Christos debate the pettiness of starting a war over an ear injury, with Mark humorously suggesting that losing a part of one's body could be seen as intolerable enough to justify conflict.

Mark Gagnon [10:17]: "Starting a war over losing a piece of your body. If you chop my dick off, we're getting the..."

2. Pastry War

Next, the episode delves into the Pastry War, a conflict seemingly ignited over the looting of a French pastry chef’s shop in Mexico.

• Background:

  • In the early 1830s, Mexico was a lawless nation with weak government control, leading to rampant banditry and foreign property destruction.
  • Monsieur Remontel, a French pastry chef in Mexico City, had his shop looted by Mexican officers who stole his pastries and other goods.

• Catalyst for War:

  • After receiving no compensation from the Mexican government, Remontel appealed to France.
  • The French Prime Minister demanded Mexico pay 600,000 pesos as restitution, viewing the incident as part of broader French grievances against Spanish restrictions in Mexico.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • France blockaded Mexican ports and eventually declared war in 1838.
  • The French achieved early victories but suffered significant losses in the failed assault on Cartagena de Indias.
  • The war concluded with Mexico agreeing to the financial demands, though they never fulfilled the payment.

Mark Gagnon [14:56]: "That's wild. They're going to fight a war over pastries."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark expresses disbelief and amusement at the notion of going to war over stolen pastries, questioning the proportionality of the French response.

Mark Gagnon [17:05]: "We gotta try the pastries. We gotta see. There's a pastry shop not far from us..."

3. War of the Stray Dog

The War of the Stray Dog between Greece and Bulgaria showcases how a minor incident involving an animal can escalate tensions between nations.

• Background:

  • On October 18, 1925, a stray dog crossed the border from Greece into Bulgaria.
  • The Greek soldier attempted to retrieve the dog, leading to his shooting by Bulgarian forces.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Greece issued an ultimatum demanding punishment for the responsible Bulgarians or compensation, escalating the situation.
  • The League of Nations intervened to mediate, preventing a full-scale war.
  • The conflict resulted in casualties on both sides but remained a largely forgotten skirmish.

Mark Gagnon [24:53]: "Stray dog causing a whole war. That's awesome."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark and Christos humorously discuss the absurdity of initiating a war over a stray dog, with Mark advocating for stricter leash laws to prevent such incidents.

Mark Gagnon [29:00]: "That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed."

4. War of the Golden Stool

The War of the Golden Stool between the United Kingdom and the Ashanti Empire highlights colonial disrespect and cultural insensitivity.

• Background:

  • In the late 19th century, the British sought to colonize the West African region ruled by the Ashanti Empire.
  • The Golden Stool was a sacred symbol of Ashanti power and authority.

• Catalyst for War:

  • British administrator Sir Frederick Hodgson demanded to sit on the Golden Stool, a cultural disgrace to the Ashanti people.
  • The Ashanti refused, leading to an uprising in 1900.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The British suppressed the revolt, capturing Kumasi and annexing the Ashanti territory.
  • Over 3,000 Ashanti men and 1,000 British soldiers died in the conflict.
  • The Golden Stool was later desecrated and removed from Ashanti possession, only to be rediscovered and returned after further conflicts.

Mark Gagnon [36:15]: "He demands to sit on the Stool. It's like, dude, respect our symbol."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark criticizes the British for their arrogance and lack of respect for Ashanti cultural symbols, emphasizing the unnecessary loss of life over a symbolic artifact.

Mark Gagnon [41:51]: "This is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3,000 people died for this. Like, for a stool."

5. Football War

The Football War between Honduras and El Salvador is a prime example of how sports tensions can mirror deeper socio-political conflicts.

• Background:

  • In 1969, a series of football matches between Honduras and El Salvador became the catalyst for war.
  • Tensions were high due to Salvadorian migration to Honduras, leading to economic and social friction.

• Catalyst for War:

  • The decisive match held in Mexico City, where El Salvador won 3-2, ignited riots and violence.
  • On the same day as the final match, El Salvador severed diplomatic ties with Honduras.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Salvadorian forces attacked Honduran military targets, leading to a four-day conflict.
  • Approximately 2,000 to 3,000 troops and civilians were killed.
  • The Organization of American States intervened, enforcing a ceasefire and ending the war swiftly.

Mark Gagnon [43:16]: "They're fighting over a football game. It's like a marathon over miscommunications."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark draws parallels between sports and warfare, suggesting that competitive events can serve as proxies for deeper conflicts, leading to disproportionate reactions.

Mark Gagnon [48:39]: "If the reaction is above a 5, it's not about the thing. It's about something else."

6. Pig War

The Pig War between the United States and Great Britain over the San Juan Island is a lighthearted yet telling example of territorial disputes.

• Background:

  • In 1859, both American settlers and British employees of the Hudson Bay Company laid claim to the San Juan Island.

• Catalyst for War:

  • The conflict began when an American farmer, Lyman Cutler, shot a British-owned black pig that was rooting in his potato patch.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The incident escalated with both nations deploying military forces to the island.
  • Despite the tension, no human lives were lost, and the conflict was resolved as a bloodless stalemate.
  • The San Juan Island was eventually decided to be part of the United States through negotiation.

Mark Gagnon [56:00]: "Fighting over one pig. That's a whole other level of petty."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark humorously reflects on the absurdity of a war triggered by a pig, emphasizing the triviality of the initial cause compared to the scale of military involvement.

Mark Gagnon [60:41]: "If you kill our pig, we need to get back. But it's just a pig."

7. War of the Chincha Islands (Bird Poop War)

The conflict between Spain and Peru over the Chincha Islands underscores the economic importance of seemingly insignificant resources.

• Background:

  • In the mid-19th century, Peru’s economy heavily relied on guano from the Chincha Islands, essential for fertilizer.

• Catalyst for War:

  • When Peru refused to pay reparations demanded by Spain after a dispute, Spain occupied the Chincha Islands in 1864.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • The occupation led to naval battles between Spanish and Peruvian forces.
  • The conflict concluded in 1866 with Spain withdrawing, and Peru regaining control of the guano-rich islands in 1879.

Mark Gagnon [68:08]: "A war over bird poop. That's taking nature to a whole new level."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark draws attention to the paradox of fighting over bird droppings, highlighting the intense economic dependency on natural resources like guano.

Mark Gagnon [69:18]: "Fighting over fertilizers. It’s like battling over coffee grounds."

8. Toledo Dispute

The Toledo Dispute between Ohio and Michigan exemplifies internal state conflicts over territorial claims.

• Background:

  • In 1835, both Ohio and Michigan claimed ownership of the Toledo Strip, a fertile and economically valuable land.

• Conflict and Outcome:

  • Both states deployed militias, but no actual combat ensued except for the shooting of a single law enforcement officer.
  • The U.S. Congress intervened, awarding Toledo to Ohio and compensating Michigan with land in the Upper Peninsula.
  • This resolution benefited Michigan in the long run due to the Upper Peninsula’s mineral wealth.

Mark Gagnon [71:02]: "Fighting over Toledo. It’s like arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza."

Insights & Commentary:
Mark compares the dispute to trivial personal conflicts, emphasizing the frivolity of territorial wars within a country.

Mark Gagnon [75:07]: "A dispute is just like a fight between a couple. It's not a war."

Conclusion: Ranking Petty Wars

Mark and Christos conclude by ranking the discussed wars based on their pettiness:

1. Pastry War – Most petty, fighting over stolen pastries.
2. Football War – Initiated by a football match, reflecting deeper issues.
3. War of the Golden Stool – Cultural disrespect leading to significant loss of life.
4. War of Jenkins' Ear – Escalation from an ear injury to war.
5. Stray Dog War – Conflict over a stray animal causing international tension.
6. Pig War – Territorial dispute triggered by a pig, resolved without bloodshed.
7. War of the Chincha Islands – Economic conflict over guano, a vital resource but not inherently petty.
8. Toledo Dispute – Internal state territorial claim, resolved diplomatically with minor casualties.

Mark Gagnon [76:18]: "Football war has got to be number two because you're starting a war over a game."

Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Mark and Christos infuse humor and contemporary analogies to highlight the absurdity and irrationality of entering conflicts over seemingly trivial causes. They reflect on the human tendency to escalate minor incidents into major disputes, often resulting in unnecessary loss and suffering.

Mark encourages listeners to share their thoughts and suggests that history often repeats itself when similar petty provocations arise. The discussion serves as a reminder to critically assess the true causes behind conflicts and to seek peaceful resolutions over trivial provocations.

Notable Quotes:

• Mark Gagnon [12:00]: "Cropping is the removal of a person's ear as an act of physical punishment. Wow."

• Mark Gagnon [17:05]: "We gotta try the pastries. We gotta see. There's a pastry shop not far from us..."

• Mark Gagnon [29:00]: "That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed."

• Mark Gagnon [41:51]: "This is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3,000 people died for this. Like, for a stool."

• Mark Gagnon [68:08]: "A war over bird poop. That's taking nature to a whole new level."

Closing Remarks

Mark wraps up the episode by inviting listeners to engage with the podcast through comments, merchandise purchases, and attending live stand-up shows. He expresses gratitude for the audience's support and encourages continued learning and discussion about the fascinating and often bizarre events in history.

Mark Gagnon [75:07]: "A dispute is just like a fight between a couple. It's not a war."

Recommendations for Listeners:

If you find tales of history’s most absurd wars intriguing, subscribe to "Camp Gagnon" for more engaging discussions that blend historical insights with a touch of humor. Engage with the hosts by sharing your own perspectives on these petty conflicts or suggesting other bizarre historical events to explore in future episodes.