Birthday Crack, The Chinese White Trash Horseshoe & Epstein vs. Summer House with Claire & Ashley

Summary

Episode Summary: "Birthday Crack, The Chinese White Trash Horseshoe & Epstein vs. Summer House with Claire & Ashley"

Podcast: Canal Street Dreams
Hosts: Eddie Huang & Natashia Perrotti
Guests: Claire Parker & Ashley Hamilton (Good Noticings / Celebrity Memoir Book Club)
Date: April 7, 2026

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Main Theme / Purpose

This lively and irreverent episode of Canal Street Dreams brings together podcast hosts/writers Claire Parker and Ashley Hamilton with Eddie and Natashia for a wide-ranging, unfiltered conversation that leaps from celebrity memoirs and the quirks of New York City living, to personal tales of white trash snacks, fashion grievances, pedophile detection, and the paradoxes of cancel culture. The tone is fast, witty, darkly funny, and often poignant as four seasoned pop culture observers (and friends) riff on stories from their respective upbringings, creative careers, and everyday life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Memoir Industrial Complex and Book Club Origins

• Best & Worst Memoir Chat
  • Guests reminisce about their podcast origins, taking memoirists to task, especially digging into "ghostwriters."
  • Ashley: "My favorite part, personally, was all the digs at the ghostwriters." (00:48)
• Fat Joe’s Life Story
  • Eddie recounts nearly pitching Fat Joe’s life as a movie, sharing wild stories including Fat Joe’s focus-group-style crack sampling method:
    • "We'd just go into the homeless park and just go, sampos, sampos. And if people couldn't move the next day, you knew that shit was fire." (03:54)
  • Claire and Ashley riff on Fat Joe’s outlandish stories: "He got shot at like age nine or something.” (03:38)

2. Drug Lore, "Birthday Crack", and Urban Childhoods

• Birthday Crack Pact
  • Ashley: “I have a standing invitation for my 60th birthday. I'm smoking crack.” (04:56)
  • Group debates the ideal age for trying crack with appropriately morbid humor about late-in-life regrets and maximizing enjoyable energy.
• Drug Dens & Harmless Heroin Users
  • Claire remembers living above a "heroin cafe" in Brooklyn:
    • "It was like office hours... everyone just got their heroin, they're busy. Like, they're not gonna stop and bug you." (06:58)
  • Extended riff on urban vs. suburban fears/stereotypes, such as “no heroin addict wants to share with suburban girls.” (08:00)
• "White Trash Horseshoe" / Immigrant Food Childhoods
  • The group swaps tales of deviled ham, Pop-Tarts, and the special overlap between “so white trash you’re basically Chinese” stank lunches.
    • Ashley: “There’s a horseshoe of when you’re so white trash you basically become Chinese. Your lunch is so stank that you’re Chinese.” (56:45)
  • Claire: "My mom just fed me deviled ham at private school. I want to be clear: I'm white trash." (57:15)

3. Fame, Cancel Culture & the Epstein List Paradox

• Cancel Culture & Public Outrage
  • Claire and Ashley reflect on how it's more satisfying and accessible to “ruin a girl on TV” (i.e., a Bravo reality star) than create change on real issues.
    • Claire: “...we all feel so incapable. Everyone just feels like we can’t make a difference in the real world. But you know whose life you can ruin? A girl on TV.” (28:37)
  • Ashley: "No one got got this mad about anyone on the Epstein list the last few months... but you're this mad about Bravo celebs?" (28:31)
  • Eddie: “Our president fucks children and at least we can do something about who’s on Bravo.” (28:56)
• Sexual Predators—Big and Small
  • Jokes spiral into earnest outrage about institutional pedophilia:
    • "It truly is, like, there's no one more motivated and philanthropic than a pedophile, which is the craziest shit that I've ever..." (36:20)
  • Personal childhood stories illustrate how predators were “always who you’d guess” (37:56) and often remained unpunished “open jokes” in schools, especially for girls (40:15).
• Justice, Small and Large
  • The gang agrees: if you’ve never accidentally hurt someone’s feelings while moving fast, "you’re not moving fast enough." (25:37)
  • They roast the idea of “character jail” for fictional misbehavior, and debate who, if anyone, truly deserves prison.
    • Serious offenders? “Trump and Netanyahu—get them off the planet.” (31:58)
    • Epstein’s billionaire enablers, notorious doctors, and even “cyborg pedophiles” like Stephen Hawking are discussed with grim humor. (33:13)

4. Fashion Woes & Spite Businesses

• Margiela Hoof Shoe Saga
  • Claire recounts her “hero’s journey” trying to return too-small Margiela tabby shoes and being denied bathroom access at the store—a metaphor for consumer alienation.
    • "I really feel like I was taking advantage of... They won’t let me piss or fit." (22:05)
  • The group plans a vengeful, “Pretty Woman”-style retail revolution—“fashion justice,” “the spite shoe,” even “cutting off the toe.” (44:24)
  • Ashley: “There’s two things that keep you going: loving your family and hating an enemy.” (25:17)
  • This segues into a larger philosophy on the productive role of spite and having enemies.

5. Parenting, Boundaries & The Real Vagina Monologues

• Parenting & Prevention
  • Natashia shares her pediatrician's advice to teach her young son the words “penis” and “vagina” to prevent molestation.
    • “The pediatrician was like, start with the anatomically correct body parts so he doesn’t get molested. And I was like, what?” (45:32)
• Birth Stories & IVF
  • Licht banter about the trauma and anxieties of birth and reproductive freedom, from abortion to IVF and surrogate possibilities.
    • "That's the beauty of being a woman, ladies and gentlemen. You can decide whatever you want." (60:24)
• Dogs vs. Kids
  • On whether dog ownership prepares you for parenthood: "I tell everybody just do a dog first... But they're not the same." (62:28)

6. Food Trash, Class, and Chain Restaurant Love

• Chain Restaurant Worship
  • Fierce debate on best chain food: Cheesecake Factory, Dallas BBQ, Red Lobster, White Castle.
    • “The Caesar salad and the Buffalo blast with a diet coke… any of the Asian fusion dishes and a pasta.” (49:39)
• Rituals & Childhood Poverty / Wealth Weirdness
  • On being from "Pop-Tart houses," or ordering endless takeout instead of healthy home food.
• The “Chinese White Trash Horseshoe”
  • How immigrant and white trash foods cross over: “So white trash you’re basically Chinese.” (56:45)

7. Shifting Creative Directions & Plugs

• Memoir Burnout
  • Claire and Ashley discuss pivoting their podcast away from grinding through memoirs (“We did 250... It was like going to the gym... It takes your whole day because you don’t want to go.” (47:32))
• New Projects
  • Claire plugs her YouTube special ("Claire Parker's 32"), and the pair tease their new podcast (Good Noticings), live shows, and a Chelsea Lately-style panel (“Debuting this summer at Union Hall.” (61:14))

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Crack Testing
  • Eddie: "Anytime we would get, like, new shit, we would just, like, cook it up, bag it up, and go into the homeless park and just go, sampos. Sampos... If people, like, couldn’t move the next day, you knew that shit was fire." (03:54)
• On the “Birthday Crack” Pact
  • Ashley: "My 60th birthday, I'm smoking crack." (04:56)
• On Fashion Consumer Rage
  • Claire: "If I had just used Net-a-Porter, I could return it." (22:56)
  • Ashley: “Why are they making this so difficult?” (24:13)
• On Cancel Culture
  • Claire: "We can't make a difference in the real world. But you know whose life we can ruin? A girl on TV." (28:37)
  • Eddie: "Our president fucks children and at least we have some power over who's on Bravo." (28:56)
• On Pedophile Detection
  • Claire: “It’s always who you’d guess.” (37:56)
• On Being Trash / Ethnic Lunches
  • Ashley: “There’s a horseshoe… when you’re so white trash you become Chinese.” (56:45)
• On Spite as Motivation
  • Ashley: “Loving your family and hating an enemy. Those keep you going.” (25:17)
• On Chain Restaurant Love
  • Host: “I’m like a chain restaurant girl.” (51:38)
  • Claire: “It was my dream in life to go to Olive Garden.” (51:44)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:48 – Memoir podcast origins, Ghostwriter talk
• 03:38–04:56 – Fat Joe/crack stories
• 05:01 – "Birthday Crack" joke
• 06:58 – Claire’s heroin den neighbor
• 16:16 – Jackie O and the "Sunglass Hut" sales technique
• 22:05–24:29 – Claire’s Margiela shoe retail saga
• 25:17 – "Spite business" philosophy
• 28:31 – Bravo drama vs. Epstein-level outrage
• 37:56–40:15 – School pedophiles; open secrets
• 45:32–46:46 – Teaching correct anatomical words to kids
• 47:32–48:02 – Memoir podcast burnout
• 49:39–50:32 – Cheesecake Factory and Dallas BBQ food breakdown
• 56:45 – White trash/Chinese food "horseshoe"
• 60:24–61:14 – Abortion/IVF choices, panel show plugs

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Final Plugs

• Claire Parker’s Comedy Special: Claire Parker's 32 on YouTube (59:07)
• New Podcast: Good Noticings, Wednesdays
• Upcoming Live Show: Panel at Union Hall this summer (61:14)

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Episode’s Signature Tone

Raw, fast, self-deprecating, sardonic, and deeply New York. The four riff with ease on both the absurd and painful, balancing outrageous humor and real critique—whether about fashion injustice or systemic predation. “Canal Street Dreams” here delivers not just creative tales, but a social, streetwise group therapy—equal parts roast, confession, and celebration of surviving and thriving in culture’s fun house.

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For anyone who missed this episode, you can expect wide-ranging and emotionally honest humor—equal parts pop culture, real talk about trauma and survival, funny food nostalgia, and serious reflections on what counts as justice in a broken world.

Transcript

[Host]

Okay, welcome back to Canal Street Dreams. We have two very special guests this episode. Two of the wittiest, funniest, most intelligent, gorgeous women in New York.

[Ashley]

Celebrities.

[Host]

Celebrities for sure. You may know them from Celebrity Memoir Book Club. Now, the good noticing pod. Welcome, Claire and Ashley.

[Claire]

That was the nicest thing. Oh, my gosh.

[Guest]

Thank you so much for having us.

[Claire]

I've been fighting my whole life to get someone to say that many nice things about me in a row, and now I feel like I can retire.

[Host]

It came from the heart. It's real. It's real and true.

[Ashley]

Oh, my God. No. We used to drive around LA listening to the pod together. It was hysterical.

[Claire]

Oh, my God. Did you feel like you were like, as a. As a memoirist, you're like, yeah, we gotta. We have to get in there and have some honesty because there are, like, levels of good to bad memoirs. And you like that? We're, like, cutting wheat from chaff.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I really liked that you guys were taking people to task and, like, propping up the genre of memoir and, like, your expectations were high. And I also liked a lot of the, like, digs at the Ghost Riders. Like, that was probably my favorite part, personally.

[Guest]

Did you use a ghostwriter?

[Ashley]

No, never. I write every word myself.

[Claire]

Have you ever wanted to ghostwrite for someone else? Have you ever been like, you have an interesting story. I wish I could help you.

[Ashley]

Oh, I would, absolutely. The one person I would ghostwrite is, like, Cameron's memoir.

[Host]

Oh, that would be a good one.

[Guest]

That would be so good.

[Claire]

Can I tell you my Cameron story? When I was a young open micr, it's not really a story, but when I was a young open micr, I was like, barking. You know, barking when you're like, if people don't know, it's when you stand outside and you, like, beg people to come watch your show in exchange for.

[Ashley]

Do you like hip hop? Do you like comedy?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

I'd be like, comedians from Comedy Central are gonna be here tonight.

[Claire]

Have you ever heard of guy code? One of those guys might drop by. And so I was barking for a show. It was really early in, and I was barking for stage time, and Cameron came in with, like, three girls and a guy. And I remember the leader of the show was like, oh, my God, you're a barking genius. Like, you're gonna go to the job. They're like, and I think everybody, you know, and sometimes someone will, like, bag someone out of their league, and everyone's like, are you, like, so hot? And nobody could really see it like, only Cameron saw your beat. Like, everyone was like, how'd you. And everyone was stoked. It was a show that had two people in the audience, and they're like, I can believe we have two people. And now one of them is like, Cameron

[Ashley]

random like that.

[Claire]

Well, three minutes in, somebody came in and they're like, hey, man, you're at the wrong venue. And he was like, oh, they were looking for the bar next door. I was like, six months into open miking, and, like, all of the cloud I had for 30 seconds, they were like, oh, you're worthless. Just like we thought. And I was like, it's true.

[Ashley]

That is a good killer story, though. I love that he's. He's like, my favorite person of all time in any generation, any era of history. Cameron is my favorite.

[Claire]

What specifically?

[Ashley]

He. You know, I like that he combines, like, irreverence and, like, a non plus attitude with, like, Oshkosh b' gosh, baby rhyme structures, you know? I mean, it's like nursery rhyme plus, like, the highest. Like. Like the. The last evolution of, like, I don't give a fuck.

[Guest]

Yeah. So, yeah, because the truth is, when people like, nobody doesn't give a fuck, but to sound like you don't give a fuck, you have to be doing the most.

[Ashley]

He truly doesn't give a. And then does it in nursery rhyme. I'm like, this is just genius. No one else would have thought to do this. Sped up, like, chipmunk samples. It's great.

[Host]

They're so good, though. I love a chipmunk sample. I'm so that. Like a 90s chipmunk, like, terror squad. Oh, take me home with the chipmunks. It's so good.

[Ashley]

So good. That is. That is, I think, my favorite Fat Joe song. You guys also the best, Yo. Okay, so we want to ask you, like, what is the best celebrity memoir that you guys did read?

[Claire]

You know?

[Guest]

My God, we did read Fat Joe.

[Ashley]

Yeah, you did.

[Guest]

Rolls 100, 100, 200, 300 people.

[Claire]

He got shot at age, like, nine or something.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Claire]

He would always be like, me and my crew showed up. There was 200 of us. We were 11. We had a fight, and we were like, this is why we need to get rid of the screen time, you know, because you can't show up with a gang of 100 seventh graders if everybody's already on their phones.

[Host]

No.

[Ashley]

I brought Fat Joe into Sony once to pitch a movie bas based on his life before the memoir. Then the editor, my editor, publisher of Fresh off the Boat. Ended up doing Fat Joe's memoir, too. But Joe has the most insane stories because he was around in the infinity wars in the Bronx. And he told me how he would test out crack. And he's like, anytime we would get, like, new shit, we would just, like, cook it up, bag it up, and go into the homeless park and just go, sampos. Sampos. And just throw it. And then he's like, yo, if people, like, couldn't move the next day, you knew that shit was fired.

[Claire]

Oh, my God. That's the craziest.

[Ashley]

I was like, that is the craziest focus group test of all time.

[Claire]

Everybody wins, though. You know what I mean?

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

Like, they're all signing up.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Claire]

What is a bad sample? Like, what if you come back the next day and everyone's dead? Then you're like, oh, little fent in there.

[Host]

Here's the thing is, like, I've never met anybody who did croc that said that it wasn't the best thing that they've ever done. Everybody that's done croc was, like, the bar low. Yeah. They're like, that shit hits. Yeah. Crack is so good.

[Ashley]

I have a standing invitation to her and my best friends. My 60th birthday. I'm smoking crack.

[Guest]

60.

[Claire]

60.

[Ashley]

I'm a.

[Host]

Wait till 66.

[Claire]

How old are you now?

[Ashley]

44. I got 16 years.

[Guest]

Right, but are you worried because you're worried that, like, once you hit the threshold, then you'll get addicted to crack?

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Guest]

But you're. I feel like 60 is young to be like, and now I'll be addicted to crack.

[Claire]

Like, oh. There's actually a lot left to do before I have to get addicted.

[Host]

We'll push it to 70, maybe. Yeah, but Asian 70.

[Ashley]

I could really. Maybe. Maybe at 60, though, I still could enjoy cr.

[Claire]

Crack.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

You want to have the energy to, like, go get stuff done. But, like, what do you do? Like, I feel like people. You know what I mean? That joke is, like, you do cocaine and then think you can open a restaurant. Like, what would you do with the energy of crack? Like, write a memoir and make a TV show out of it. Like, it's been done.

[Ashley]

You know, a marathon.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

I'd probably just, like, go outside and run the New York marathon by myself

[Claire]

instead of having people, like, give you Mike. And I said, every couple miles, you have a friend be like, and here's.

[Host]

Here's a little more cracks. I hit a crack. Here's a Hit a crack. You did recently have this, like, one hitter that looked Like a crack pipe. And then, like, we would be out and he'd like, go hit his one hitter. And it just looked like you were smoking crack everywhere we went. Like, it truly.

[Ashley]

It looked like I knew I had to stop cuz we went to this very nice restaurant, Borgo, with her mom. And her mom was like, you want to smoke cigs, ass? I was, yeah, I'll do the one hitter. And I broke it out.

[Claire]

Oh, my God. If a woman is asking to smoke cigs outside, you can't bring them. Like, I feel do the rest. I feel like that's like you got to show up old school with a cigarette.

[Host]

No, but my mom, I think is.

[Ashley]

There's a glass window into this nice restaurant. And the people in the bar area drinking wine were like, thought you were, yo, there's a man with a bucket hat hitting a pipe. A glass pipe outside. And I was like, I need to retire this.

[Host]

We had also had, like, my mom and I had also fought that dinner and we're like, visibly fighting at the table. So then they went out to smoke a cigarette and then like smoke fake crack and then came back in. And then we all went back out together. And I was like, oh, we look like here we're just in the show, just like sending us dishes because they know each other. And I was just like, we're like ruining the vibe here. We need to leave immediately. Like, we need to get the.

[Claire]

What you needed was a cigar.

[Host]

Yeah, we needed a cigar pipe and we brought the crack pipe.

[Claire]

I live where I live. There was a whole situation where for like a full year, somebody was selling heroin out of, like, a basement. He was like the janitor. And it was a situation where I had moved in and I was like, what is happening on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Because it was like office hours. It was like they had, like, regular retail hours to sell what I could only imagine would be heroin because people were not energetic. Yeah. And they were sitting down. And it was so funny because my Manhattan friends would be like, nervous to come visit me because you have to, like, walk past this, like, heroin den to get to my house.

[Guest]

It's a heroin cafe.

[Claire]

But first of all, cafe, they're working their scripts. But second of all, I'm like, what do you think you have that's more interesting to them than heroin? Like, if everyone just got their heroin, they're busy.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

Like, they worked all week to get in line and get their head. They're not going to stop and bug you.

[Ashley]

I mean, it's nap time.

[Guest]

From the suburbs. And I have friends. One time, one of my friends was telling me that she's afraid of the city because of people who are going to try to, like, stab you with their hair. Like, try to, like, get you on heroin. And I was like, no one has

[Ashley]

the energy for that on heroin.

[Claire]

No one had money for that.

[Guest]

People who are addicted to heroin are not just, like, giving out free heroin to suburban girls.

[Ashley]

You are horizontal.

[Guest]

If you have it, it's for you. They're not like, oh, wait, that girl looks like she maybe would like to be addicted to heroin. Like, let me share the love.

[Claire]

It's like the housewarming gift.

[Host]

Yeah. We have so much. We also want you to have some too. I wish.

[Claire]

I wish everybody had abundance, but I. It's not an abundance. Ripe drug.

[Ashley]

It's quite difficult to obtain.

[Claire]

Yeah. I have a mom who's really like, if anything bad happens, I want. No, they were not. That was a business, Ashley. I feel my mom's a real like. Like a horse. If I break my leg, I just want. I want a little bit of fentanyl and call it a day.

[Ashley]

No, I'm kind of with that, though. I need, like, the personal assisted suicide kit, like, in the crib, you know, it's like, shit's bad.

[Host]

My mom has been saying that to me my whole life. Like, we'll be watching a movie and someone will have dementia and she'll just turn. I was like 8. She turned to me and she'd be like, just. Just. Yeah, just end it.

[Ashley]

I don't have the patience to, like, drive to Washington.

[Host]

I was like, talk to a doctor. Like, I don't really want to kill you, but.

[Claire]

No, my mom's exactly. She's like, you know, if. If my socks are upstairs and I'm already downstairs, just let me out.

[Host]

That's about my level. My will to live is at that level, too.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I will be Irish goodbyeing out of life.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

You know, last time I locked myself out of my apartment, I almost up on having an apartment. I said, what's this?

[Claire]

When she moved. Okay, so when she moved, we had this. We both used to live in Williamsburg. And then I moved to Bed Stuy, so she had to, like, come down because we couldn't live more than a walking distance from each other.

[Guest]

So she moved to the Cocktail.

[Claire]

And when she moved, I watched her dog for the day so that she could get our boxes in. I took the dog out for a walk, immediately locked myself out. And I was like, what do I do? I have so much work. I go, I know. I'll just run over to Ashley. She has my extra key, and then I'll just come right back. I get to Ashley.

[Guest]

I was not answering my phone, so

[Claire]

she was trying seven times. I was like, how focused does she have to be? She has movers.

[Guest]

Yeah. So I. The movers had just moved. Moved me into my apartment and then left. I get back, and then I went to, like, throw something in the garbage can downstairs, and the door closed behind me. And it turns out it's one of those automatic locking doors. Nobody told me. So my keys are inside. My phone is inside. I just moved into this building that hour, so I don't know a single other person that lives there. And I. I was just, like, walking around the building like a ghost being, like, what do I do?

[Claire]

But I went to pick her up to be like, do you have my extra key? She's already downstairs. And I'm like, oh, my God, how perfect. I need a key. And she goes, I don't have my own key.

[Host]

You're both locked out.

[Claire]

It was like, this is exactly when you go, well, I guess we just call it a day.

[Guest]

And my dog is, like, panicking because she can tell something's afoot.

[Claire]

And if it wasn't for that dog, I think we would have just been laid down and said, well, we gave it our best shot.

[Host]

Yeah, we got a heroin cafe. It.

[Ashley]

You know, just talking for 10 minutes. I feel like we have the same taste in people. You know the celebrity memoir we talk about that we would love of a fictional character. Is Blake Lively's character from the town writing a memoir?

[Host]

Yes. That's the Oxy girl. Won an entire, like, docu series on her.

[Claire]

It's so funny. I feel like, oh, my gosh. I have to say, there's been a lot of Blake Lively recently, and I'm kind of like, if we all need to.

[Ashley]

That character, I need that character. Not Blake Lively, but just, like, smoked into the filter.

[Host]

I'm not gonna, like, dox the park, but I was at a park with my kid the other day, and she was there with her kids, and I took everything out of me not to just be like, I loved your work in the town.

[Claire]

Like, everything else.

[Host]

Whatever else you've done with your, like, Gossip Girl was great, but your work in the town was actually fun. Did she have red hair in the town?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Dirty strawberry.

[Host]

Strawberry.

[Claire]

It was bad.

[Ashley]

30% of her was Oxycontin. It was, like, incredible.

[Host]

With a jean skirt.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Guest]

So I wish she'd Gone further down that road. Can I tell you, I wish. I wish that that had been the tip of the iceberg. And I think we can all blame Ryan Reynolds for yanking her back.

[Claire]

Yeah. Monster, the sequel.

[Guest]

Yes.

[Host]

That's her vibe.

[Claire]

Like, she's back for more.

[Host]

She does great strung out.

[Claire]

Like Savages.

[Ashley]

Wasn't she in Savages?

[Host]

Savages was great.

[Claire]

Shark movie.

[Host]

No.

[Guest]

Oh, my God. I've seen it in, like, 20 parts on TikTok, so I've seen probably two thirds of it. No, it's like she gets stranded on a buoy. She's like a surfer, and there's a shark.

[Claire]

The Bethany Hamilton Jaws story, kind of.

[Guest]

No, the Bethany Hamilton story was different. They are. They. That was Chloe. What's her name?

[Claire]

No, but still, it's like a surfer gets stranded out there with a shark.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

And this is a real movie that she made. Wow.

[Claire]

It's mostly her in a bikini.

[Guest]

She had just had a baby. And so, like, the. All the marketing for the movie was like, Blake Lively does a movie where she's a. Alone on a buoy in a bikini the whole time right after having a baby.

[Host]

I love that they do that to women. They're like, what do you look like immediately after you had your baby?

[Guest]

Could you be alone on a buoy getting attacked by a shark?

[Host]

What's your endurance like?

[Claire]

Ashley and I never get invited to anything, and so we'll say yes. Anything we get invited to. And last year, I. I don't know if there was, like, a strike going on, but we got invited to. It ends with us or the end of.

[Guest]

It ends with us.

[Claire]

It ends with us, like, four separate times.

[Ashley]

Pedro Pascal zombie show.

[Host]

No, this is.

[Claire]

That's the last of us.

[Guest]

This is the movie that sparked the Blake Lively Justin Baldoni fallout, But it's

[Claire]

based on a Colleen Hoover book, and it's like two and a half hours of her in overalls is. We had to watch Elders.

[Host]

Yes. Okay.

[Guest]

I mean, you can't pin that on a real stylist. That'd be mean.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

And, like, was the movie good, though?

[Claire]

No. Okay. It got me. I didn't know it was gonna happen. And I have to say, the two times I saw it, but the fourth time I saw it, I was like, well, I know it's coming now, but even the second I was like, you don't know what's coming next, man. I was actually. The big reveal is that she's in an abusive relationship, and I was fooled. I thought she was just falling down a lot wow.

[Host]

She was just tired.

[Claire]

She was just anemic. When you keep falling on court, like, I don't know. I've bonked my eye.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

So I liked it. I was on the edge of my seat.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

And I found it empowering.

[Guest]

Why are we talking about this? That we were going to talk about

[Claire]

other Blake Lively movies. I was just like, what else is she doing? That's great.

[Host]

I mean, now I don't know what she's doing. All I know is that she made that man sit in a basement at his own premiere. Right?

[Guest]

Like, it was like, premiere.

[Host]

And she had him downstairs by, like, the fucking, like, Dasani water.

[Guest]

He was just like, I think that she's probably like, I think they're both perpetrators in this situation.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

But I'm like, he seems so insane to me that I'm like, I don't know, man. Making him not get to go to his own movie premiere is funny to me.

[Claire]

It's kind of funny.

[Host]

It's kind of funny to make him, like, wait in the basement while, like, you and your husband are, like, we directed it, actually.

[Claire]

You know who's behind him?

[Host]

No.

[Claire]

Okay. What is his. He's Baha'. I. He's Baha'. I. And there's this, like, Baha' I billionaire who wanted him to become, like, the Baha' I. Tom Cruise.

[Guest]

Okay.

[Claire]

And so that's where all the money came from for this. So it's funny to think that this was supposed. This movie was, like, a failed attempt at creating, like, a cultural cult. Like a religious back. Cultural cult.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Okay. Interesting.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

I like that. Blake Lively was like, not on my watch.

[Claire]

Like, I'm gonna flame. She's. Yeah. But also a little on her watch. Like, she hasn't come out unscathed. Yeah.

[Guest]

I think she sacrificed her for the cause in many ways. Yeah.

[Host]

She was like, no Baha' I cults. I will. I will take this. L. In order to save people, I will sacrifice my.

[Guest]

I'll sacrifice my life and just. And spend the rest of my days in my beautiful tribeca loft and in my many vacation home. Well, anthropology duped.

[Host]

Yes. We all know she has taste. I'm so sorry, Blake Lively. Like, I'm so sorry, but I also

[Claire]

respect that, like, you know, everybody's like, oh, like, personal style. Personal style. And I'm like, if you hate the way someone's dressing and they have access to money like that. I'm like, that's personal style. She has a vision. And it may not be your vision, but good Lord, is she committed. It's like, bad personal style.

[Guest]

I mean, no one's telling anyone to wear that many jangly bangles. And the fact that she insists on doing it, that's because she knows who she is. And I think that that's brave.

[Host]

Yeah, it's brave. The suits are crazy. The suits are crazy.

[Guest]

Well, in many ways, the actor of a generation. Get her on Oxy with her being, like, the hair.

[Claire]

The hair icon. To watch Gen Z be like. And she doesn't even have good hair. I'm like, I know that's down. There is no objective truth.

[Host]

There is no objective. My favorite thing about Gen Z was when, like, they all discovered who Jackie Onassis was. And then they were like, she's ugly as damn. I was like, that's the craziest I've ever heard in my life. The collective just being like that was ugly. I was like, oh, okay.

[Claire]

I had an ex who worked at a Sunglass Hut for, like, a week, and he told me that at their, like, when he was, like, being trained, they said, anytime a woman comes in over 40, just tell her she looks like Jackie O. Kind of the same.

[Ashley]

That is true, though.

[Claire]

That makes sense, because somebody said to me. What did someone say to me? I feel like somebody was like, you kind of have, like, a Mary Kate Olson vibe in those glasses. And obviously there's no chance in hell I could, but I was like, really?

[Guest]

Okay, I guess I'll offer these $1,000. I have to have. For sure.

[Host]

I'll buy them right now, actually, Please. I'll take two.

[Ashley]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Host]

That's very.

[Ashley]

Like, if they were alive for the Challenger Explosion, tell them they look like Jackie.

[Guest]

Oh, for sure.

[Host]

I mean, think of my mom. Like, she's always doing a big Jackie O sunglass. Like, somebody told her that, and she's running with it for the rest of her life.

[Claire]

One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made my life is I have a couple of friends who I've been like, oh, you know what celebrity you look like? And then, like, years later, I'll circle back and be like, oh, that really imprinted upon you, and it, like, shaped who you've become.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

I told a girl I don't even talk to anymore that she looked like Lily Rose Depp once. And I'm like, well, that's really brought you down a path that you would run with that continue to this day.

[Ashley]

I always get Kim Jong Un.

[Host]

Oh, I was going to say no.

[Claire]

I just say you're, like, kind of dictatory.

[Host]

I get that. I Could see in the right fit how that would happen. But I think for you, I say Aaron Hernandez, and then you think for yourself. Can I say, sure, Omar Epps.

[Ashley]

I think I look like Omar.

[Host]

He thinks he looks like Omar Epps. He said, growing up, he thought he looked like.

[Guest]

I was trying to remember what Omar Epps looks like. Omar, to be honest, love and basketball

[Ashley]

is black.

[Claire]

He's a black. You think you look like him in a bone structure way or in an essence, Physical essence.

[Ashley]

Essence, essence. And as a kid, like, when I got a fade, I was like, kind of looks like Omar Apps. And everyone's like, you're delusional.

[Claire]

It only matters because once you project an energy, you know what I mean?

[Guest]

You know, it's always one time. One time my mom told me that I looked like Emmy Rossum, and I was like, game over. Game over for you hoes. No one else can tell me anything different. And I don't look any like. And in my entire since then, I've been like. Like, she's kind of my celeb doppelganger.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

On what planet?

[Host]

Someone recently, just, like, in the past two days and somebody that I know, like, saw one of our podcast clips and was like, you look like Cami Morone. And I was like, I don't, but, like, I see it. And I was like, every night going to sleep now, I will rest easy.

[Claire]

I will go to sleep and say, she's Leonardo's ex. Who's gorgeous, girl.

[Host]

I look gorgeous. Sunny.

[Claire]

Because sometimes she's on tv and I'm just like, I feel like she did this internship by dating him. Yeah.

[Host]

Like, she did. She was like, I'm gonna, like, do, like, an actor's workshop.

[Claire]

Like, the way that people like. I was just talking to this woman right now who's a TV writer, and she was like, oh, yeah. Well, I worked at an agency. It's like I was an assistant at a talent agency. And then I networked my way, and I'm like, that is the Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Pipeline. Yes.

[Host]

We become, like, so indoctrinated with pictures of these women for just, like, them walking down the street. And then, like, you feel like you know them. I'm like, oh, yeah, my girl. Like my friend

[Ashley]

Leonardo DiCaprio's desk, you know?

[Claire]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host]

Yes, for sure.

[Claire]

It's kind of like, you know how, you know, Conan has his, you know, like, the late night hosts have their sidekicks. Yes. So you become like, a sidekick, and then you can launch. I knew somebody who knew one of Leonardo DiCaprio's ex girlfriends. And they were like, yeah, I ran into her in the street one time and she was like, I have to go to the Starbucks to poop because I can't poop in his apartment. And they were like fully engaged at this point. And I was just like, what? Dude, you gotta. I was like, okay, so you're not getting married.

[Ashley]

Also like, why doesn't she have a New York Sports Club membership then you could poop everywhere.

[Claire]

Yeah, yeah, that's true. At least a little bit of fitness. What are you buying coffee? You have to poop. That's kind of.

[Host]

Then you have to ask for the code. You're like, what's the code?

[Ashley]

You have to have a gym membership so you can like poop around the city.

[Claire]

I know that Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't have a second bathroom. He doesn't have a powder room that no one really uses for the guests.

[Host]

Yeah, that's odd.

[Claire]

Yeah, I guess she really was like, it's a sacred air up there.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Also like, why does his building not have like a lobby with. You know what I mean?

[Host]

He poops in the doorman bathroom. Yeah, the gym bathroom. There's so many places to go in these buildings.

[Ashley]

You have to be friendly with the doorman to at least be able use a bath.

[Claire]

You do, you do. She was just really, she. Listen, she had signed a contract. Maybe part of the NDA is like you won't near him.

[Host]

You can't even 100 meters.

[Ashley]

Starbucks bathroom is wild cuz coffee is ripping people. It's like a Port Authority, but it's

[Host]

also just like the recreational homeless bathroom.

[Claire]

Well, can I say something about Port Authority?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

I feel like you're fancy, so maybe you haven't been there recently. Port Authority has one of the best public bathrooms on the second floor. It's only open for from 2pm to 2am by where the gate 311 buses. It's actually so nice and it's really cleaned and they have a woman there. So if somebody's like taking too long, she goes in and she like lays down the law. And I have to say it's like one of my secret wrecks. And I don't actually tell anybody, but kind of a canal dream special. I love that.

[Ashley]

Thank you.

[Host]

Big review.

[Ashley]

Second floor Port Authority.

[Claire]

Yeah. By the 300 gates bus.

[Host]

This is good to know.

[Guest]

Can I tell you my rec because I was training for a marathon last year and sometimes you just like you're out there for hours and you have to go to the Bathroom. And there's so many places in New York City that are like rest restrooms for customers only. The way around it is to put a hand over your eye and go, I'm so sorry. There's construction around the block and dust blew in my eye. Can I run in the bathroom and flush my eye?

[Host]

That's genius.

[Guest]

They never say no, you have dust in your eye.

[Claire]

You know who just said no to me about using a bathroom?

[Guest]

Who?

[Claire]

Mason. Margiela.

[Host]

Oh, can.

[Claire]

I had just bought shoes.

[Host]

Oh, that's fucked up.

[Claire]

Is that not fucked up? I had really bad. Yeah, I did. And it's not going well for me actually. I kind of got gaslit by them into buying. They kept. They were like way too small and they were like, they stretch. And I was like, okay, got them home. No they won't. And you know what they did?

[Host]

Like, those don't stretch.

[Claire]

No, they kept going. I was like, my toe's kind of coming out the top. And they go, yeah, that's exactly the right size.

[Guest]

No, I can't believe you had to size up.

[Host]

And a hoove. I feel I actually can't talk about

[Claire]

anymore because I've already tried to return them. They won't take them. I like actually it's. It gets me really emotional cuz I spent a year like wanting these shoes and I. And I have a big rule for myself where I only ever shop in person so I can get the right size.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

And the 40 was too small and the 41 was too big. And then I went on when I was home googling and going, do they stretch? So I saw that there's a middle. There's a 40.5. Yeah. And when I went back to try to return them, they were like, well, we probably didn't have that in stock. I go, well, you can't just not sell me in the right like. And then I said, well, can I at least go to the bathroom? They said, no, that's crazy. I was like, I would have taken

[Host]

the shoe and like, I would have like thrown a shoe. I would have George W. Bush thrown a fucking shoe.

[Ashley]

Someone needs to get you in the right hoof. That's wrong because you have to size up.

[Host]

I think I have a friend who works at Margiela. Like I think she works at retail.

[Claire]

I got, I got so treated. And you know what pisses me off is because I know he was going for his like, why didn't he tell me about the middle size anyway?

[Host]

Yeah, it must have been like end of the month.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like he was trying to meet he

[Guest]

or she was end of the month.

[Claire]

Oh my God. It was, it was.

[Host]

They were trying to hit their like.

[Claire]

And I really feel I was taking advantage of. And I feel so sad cuz if I had just goddamn use net a porte.

[Host]

You could return it.

[Ashley]

You could return it.

[Claire]

I really am like, I'm trying to keep retail afloat single handedly. They won't let me piss or fit Mason, they're gonna take a toenail off.

[Guest]

Yeah, over for you guys.

[Host]

No, it's funny, I have my tabby flats in there. You gotta size up.

[Claire]

It's like they told me they go, no, no size down for sure. They'll stretch. You'll regret it otherwise.

[Ashley]

No, that's crazy.

[Claire]

The manager came out and sword to me he goes, it's good that your toes coming up the top.

[Host]

Crazy.

[Guest]

I can't believe the way you've been swindled.

[Host]

You know how somebody like chopped the top off a Nissan Altima? You should just like cut the toe and like do like

[Claire]

do the open toggle.

[Ashley]

Do the open toe convertible hoof sh. It's basically barbecue sandal.

[Host]

And be like, I'm looking for whatever his name is or her name is. Yeah, I'm looking for them and I want to use the bathroom. And then you should drop the craziest of all time. You should go eat the craziest meal and blow that bathroom up. I'm telling you.

[Claire]

And if you don't do it, I will. Can I say I need your help? Because I'm the kind of person who goes in. They're like, we won't take them back. And I'm just like, okay, no, I'm going.

[Host]

I'm going with you.

[Ashley]

I'm gonna.

[Claire]

They're gonna take them back. Done so dirty. And I'm just like, I'm the only person shopping in person and nobody in their stores.

[Ashley]

You're literally just trying to buy a shoe to let people know you care about fashion.

[Guest]

Literally.

[Ashley]

Like, why are they making this so difficult?

[Claire]

I'm like, I'm here like a goddamn sheep. These shoes used to make me puke in my mouth a bit because it upsets me the way the toes are separated. And then I got used to it and then I wanted to be it and just why won't you help me fashion?

[Host]

You're like, the marketing worked on me and now you won't even help me.

[Guest]

What was the point of all that marketing if you weren't even going to. Yeah, get the shoe.

[Claire]

Right. Maybe they're like, if you are seen out in these shoes, then everybody will know they're not cool anymore. So we can't let you. Oh, my God.

[Guest]

You should.

[Host]

You should open a spite business. You should Larry David them. Yes.

[Claire]

Like, where it's just the pinky.

[Host]

Yeah, just the pinky out. Where you just.

[Claire]

Instead of the big toe.

[Guest]

It's just the pinky.

[Host]

And chop the top off it and do some jewelry on the pinky. Like, do a diamond, like, toe ring.

[Claire]

I can't believe I'm gonna have to start a shoe business for vengeance.

[Guest]

In the spite business.

[Ashley]

The spite shoe is good.

[Guest]

Drinking tea with their pinky out.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Okay, well, there's the spike business. We did. I remember I did.

[Host]

We did a documentary.

[Ashley]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Host]

Despite vice, we made the vice spite doc.

[Ashley]

Yes. I did make a documentary about my past employer that was.

[Host]

It was a sp. Business.

[Ashley]

I like working a husband and wife business and spite business.

[Claire]

Yeah. There's two things that'll keep you going. It's loving your family and hating an enemy. Yes.

[Ashley]

Passionate about the work.

[Guest]

Okay. To have no enemies is to, like, live a.

[Ashley]

You're just uninteresting. You're uninteresting for a while.

[Claire]

And to be no one's enemy means you've never really accomplished much.

[Host]

I agree.

[Claire]

Somebody's feelings.

[Host]

A friend of all is.

[Guest]

Can I say, if you've never accidentally just like in a. In a drive by, hurt someone's feelings in a way you didn't even realize, it means you're not moving fast enough.

[Claire]

I have a husband who told me once that, like, he always thinks about what he's gonna say before he says it.

[Guest]

And I was like, who has the time?

[Claire]

Yeah, but he speaks incap 1/30 of how much I speak, so, like, it makes sense.

[Host]

Like, he, like, really is only saying things when he means it.

[Claire]

I just, like. It hadn't even occurred to me that you could do that. I was like, how could you think when you're already speaking the amount of

[Guest]

times that we get into a fight? Because I'm just not thinking about anything that I'm saying. And then I, like, don't mean anything that I said, but I'm just, like, acting insane. And then we have to really roll the tapes all the way back to, like, where it. Where I started saying things that didn't make sense.

[Host]

Yeah. Where you went into the ether, like, where you end and the ether begins.

[Guest]

And I think we have to erase all of these other things because they. They didn't they weren't real. We have to start the fight through.

[Ashley]

The podcast helps our relationship because there's things we say to each other in private that we think is like, we're getting one off, and then we're on the pod. We're like, wait, that was a bad argument. I'm going to not make that argument.

[Host]

We also want to have a good

[Ashley]

conversation on the pod.

[Host]

One of us will think we really, like, did something with that. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, that's not real. That didn't land. That was.

[Claire]

That was something that's helped me is, like, learning to be like. I guess if every commenter thinks I have a nasty tone, I guess I just.

[Host]

Just do.

[Claire]

You guys just don't get me. You just. And I'm like, I guess if everybody who's ever heard me speak is like, the thing about Claire, she's a. I'm like, I guess maybe I am just a. And I. It's. It's working like, life's pretty good, so. Yeah. But it. Like, I had to just accept that about myself. Not every commenter is wrong.

[Ashley]

Oh, I never thought you were a. I always.

[Host]

I never thought that either.

[Ashley]

You're maintaining standards.

[Guest]

Exactly.

[Ashley]

Commentary.

[Host]

Which is a lost art, man. It's a lost art. Like the participation trophy era.

[Claire]

Like, everybody.

[Host]

You did good. It's like, you didn't, like, that's not good. That's fine.

[Guest]

People think that just. Okay, okay. Something I've noticed so much in pop culture is just because you've heard of someone means you have to, like, really give them the benefit of the doubt. And there'll be these people, like, Louis CK Will. People will be like, okay, but he, like, apologized. It's like, he didn't apologize, actually. And also, there's this, like. There's this thing, like, just because you know of him, he should just get more and more and more chances. And then people just kind of forget that anything ever happened. Like, if people are willing to. To stay public, then they just get to do whatever they want forever.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Because if they don't agree to it, like, you can't be canceled. And that's, like, it's fine. I don't, like, believe that people should just be, like, outright canceled. But it's this weird thing where, like, if people go, well, he's a nice guy. Go, what do you mean, he's a nice guy? You don't know that guy. Like, you've literally never met him. What do you mean, he's nice? You just have heard of him.

[Ashley]

And then this is unpopular, but something interesting this week too. We recently had Wes Wilson on the pod. Right. So we're buddy. I actually love Wes. Wes is like hemmed up right now. And I'm like, no one got got this mad about anyone on the Epstein list the last few months.

[Claire]

That's so, you know, that's.

[Ashley]

And I'm like, you guys are this mad at west and Amanda. I'm like, I get it. You're into this show.

[Claire]

I actually do have a theory that part of the reason we become so vindictive is because we all feel so, like, incapable. Like, everyone just feels so, like we can't make a difference in the real world. Yeah. But you know whose life we can ruin? A girl on TV who like.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know what I mean? Actually, I truly think that's what it is.

[Claire]

Your vote doesn't make a difference. And like, the prices are going up for sure.

[Host]

It's like our president fucks children and like, at least we can do something about who's on Bravo.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

You know what I mean? Like there's some power over that makes a lot of sense to me, actually. But the real villain is Amanda. She's the villain. She's the feminine.

[Claire]

Wes Wilson may need to go to like Tiger woods rehab though. Like, that's what's wrong with him.

[Host]

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

[Claire]

But I just feel like I understand the appeal. Season one being like, I could anybody. That's awesome. How many years of you could like, at some point, aren't you like. Like it's the numbers. Like, you're just like. Like, he has to be careful, cuz this is how you start children.

[Host]

No, it is. It is.

[Guest]

No, it's when you get. When all the sex that you can have is just available to you, then you, you go, well, what's something more like an animal?

[Host]

You have to be careful. You have to be like, oh, now I need orgies.

[Claire]

Should fall in love before he becomes a predator.

[Ashley]

Okay, I will let. I will text him. I'm going to text him. I let him know yo homie was on the pod. These shorties think you should have less sex with less people or more sex with fewer people.

[Guest]

Yeah, more sex with fewer people.

[Ashley]

I want to make sure I translate this message correctly.

[Guest]

I'm not mad at you. I'm just worried about you.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Host]

I'm just disappointed.

[Ashley]

Should we send West?

[Host]

Okay.

[Ashley]

I want to make sure I word this correctly.

[Claire]

People go, do billionaires become pedophiles or do like pedophiles become Billionaires. And it really is, like, absolute access. Corrupt. Yes. There's only so many holes you can experience before you're like, like, what else?

[Guest]

Before you get bored.

[Host]

And this is the same thing with, like, Kanye west and, like, athletes. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you. Every bad bitch, every. In every city in every country, like, of course you're gonna have sex with your, like, friends. You know what I mean? Like, of course you're gonna start having sex with, like, you're gonna do weird shit.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Exciting. Anymore.

[Guest]

And I feel like that's his problem, is he, like, didn't stop to consider that, like, just because he'll. Anyone that moves, like, other people don't, like, don't care. Do you know what I mean? I think that his. In his brain, he was like, whatever. Like, everything's just sex. I'm just having as much sex as possible. But it, like, didn't occur to him that, like, someone else could have feelings. Yes, that's true.

[Ashley]

I mean, I also think you can see a lot. I always say this. You can see a lot about people and how they fuck by how they eat. And if you watch the way west was eating on the show, he was eating everything.

[Claire]

Yeah, yeah, he was a bite.

[Ashley]

He's not a very discriminatory.

[Host]

He's at the buffet, he's fed, and

[Claire]

he's putting some in his pockets for later.

[Guest]

Not a refined path.

[Ashley]

He's a guy I enjoy hanging with, a great friend.

[Claire]

Yeah, I'm sure he's a great hang. And that's fantastic.

[Ashley]

Fantastic.

[Claire]

A lot of fun.

[Host]

Like, genuinely a fun guy.

[Ashley]

Could see why shorties want to eat with him.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

You know?

[Ashley]

Yeah, I can see it.

[Claire]

Ironically, the shorties don't seem like they're eating much, but let Amanda have a bite. He.

[Ashley]

He definitely, when he eats, has, like, a Hungry Hippo vibe, you know, which I love. That's my man's.

[Claire]

And.

[Ashley]

And I will. I will stand on this. Is that I do think there are worse, worst people to cancel right now.

[Host]

I do, too.

[Claire]

There's people to put in jail. Yes.

[Ashley]

There's people to put. There's pedophiles.

[Claire]

There's people that have already on the other side of my. Yes.

[Ashley]

This guy's just a little bit of a pig sexually.

[Claire]

Who's the first person you'd put in jail if you. If it were up to you? Oh, wow.

[Ashley]

I mean, look, Trump's the obvious one. Fine. Trump, right. You know, I mean, Trump and Netanyahu are just, like, up there. I think they're like, in their own category of like, a Marvel intergalactic.

[Host]

Get them off the planet.

[Ashley]

That jail under the Eagle Stadium in Philadelphia, you know, style.

[Guest]

What was the movie that I saw where they. They had a jail that was like, in dimensions.

[Claire]

Superman.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, we got to put him there.

[Host]

I agree with that.

[Ashley]

Jail. We can all think about this simultaneously. Jail.

[Host]

There's so many people.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

You don't have, like, an Epstein favorite. I think mine is. I always, like, hate women the most, which people would call misogynistic. But I do think it is, like, like a take on somebody your own size, you know, I think it's something more of.

[Guest]

Expect more from them. So you feel more disappointed.

[Claire]

For me, it's that Dr. Model who has the breast cancer center named after him.

[Host]

Yes, yes, yes, I know you're talking.

[Claire]

Who, like, let him. Whose, like, kids were. His were Epstein's God children.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

I love seeing Stephen Hawking out there, cuz it's like the. The convergence of, like, man and technology. He's got the keyboard out and also he's, like, so intelligent. He should know better. But he's a man, so he ain't. And I'm like, of course, like, probably the smartest man we know who also is, like, cyber and, like, evolved.

[Host]

He was prob. The first cyborg pedophile.

[Claire]

And you know what's so up, too, is like, if he's thinking about things in terms of the universe, like, the universe is so old that, like, compared to the sun, like, a kid is even younger. Do you know what I mean? Like, the way that he's thinking about time. Yeah. He's extra up for him.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I don't have that many people I want to put in jail. Like, I like people like Kenny Powers or West, you know, like, I'm kind of a fan.

[Guest]

They don't have to go to jail.

[Claire]

Okay.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Like, I hang with real life versions of that man.

[Claire]

I was going to put him in jail either. Wouldn't it be funny if we were like, characters go to jail now?

[Guest]

Yeah. Boring people go to jail, people. I feel like if you're on Twitter, people think characters have to go to jail now. It's crazy for sure. But I think. No. Oh, that.

[Claire]

The.

[Guest]

The health guy. Peter Atiya.

[Claire]

You want to throw him to jail?

[Guest]

I kind of want to throw him in jail. I think he's.

[Claire]

She's mad about what he did with David Bars where he bought the.

[Guest]

No, I'm mad about what he did with David Barnes, but I'm more mad about the way that I feel like he's like an influential person in the health space who is like involved in a pedophile island. I feel like that's crazy to be unhealthy. Yeah, I think it's really unhealthy to be influencing people. That fucking kids will keep you young.

[Host]

Well, I just saw this insane TikTok and it like shook me to my core. It was this guy who was photographed in the Epstein files. I don't remember his name, but I will like get the TikTok and insert it here. And I sent it to you because it was like this guy pictured like 17 times in the Epstein files. Who is he? He owns Complete Playground in Tribeca, which is a children's indoor playground where I had my son's second birthday party. And I was like. I was like. And I was like, oh, my God. I had a bunch of kids at a pedophilia ring. Like I. Unbeknownst to me.

[Claire]

And then. Don't you hate it when that happens? I was like, we can't have anything.

[Host]

I was like, this is the best indoor playground. It's caddy corner to Hermes. Like, I loved it there. This is the best place I've ever

[Guest]

been for both of us.

[Claire]

I went to private school my whole life. And at every private school I went to, there was a big time pedophile. We had this guy. His name was Guy and he was the floater. His permanent job was Floater, which meant he was the. The temporary assistant to everybody whenever a teacher called. So he was with every kid and he had like the most child porn and he was like an adult who lived by himself. And every year at the harvest festival. No, that was another. My next one. He did this character called Mr. Pockets, where at the Harvest festival every year you would like reach into his trench coat and get a trinket from one of his insides.

[Host]

He literally keeps getting worse.

[Claire]

And you're just like, well, yeah, of course that guy was a pedophile. And then our gym sex ed teacher.

[Host]

It's always the gym teacher. It's always the fucking gym teacher.

[Claire]

You had adopted as a single man a 12 year old boy from Puerto Rico out.

[Host]

By the way, this guy. Complete Playground, two surrogate children, Gay man, two surrogate children. They always adopt a kid. Always.

[Claire]

He's adopted a 12 year old.

[Host]

Insane.

[Claire]

And then. Yeah. And he also actually. The crazy thing. Oh, my God. And you know what he used to do on his Christmas vacations? He used to go to orphanages in Thailand and help build wheelchairs he was, like, really into this, like, charity he did where he'd build wheelchairs for orphans in Thailand. And you are like,

[Ashley]

virtue signalers should all go to jail.

[Claire]

Also, he was like, where are the most vulnerable kids who can't run away escape unless I give them their wheelchair?

[Host]

Oh, my God, that's crazy. And it truly is. Like, there's no one more motivated and philanthropic than the pedophile, which is the craziest shit that I've ever.

[Claire]

Like, two hours. Because it turned out he had actually already been kicked out of a school in Manhattan for being, like, kind of creepy. And I guess I was in New Jersey, and they were like, we found this amazing gym teacher on huge discount. He'll do it for free. He was, like, working for, like, a gym volunteer all our gift cards. And we were, like, crazy that he's driving hours each way to come teach us sex ed and swim.

[Host]

What's crazy? We were. I. There were so many teachers that were, like, having sex with kids where I grew up. And, like, that was a whole thing. But it was like, specifically our driving teacher. Like, the.

[Claire]

That's

[Host]

the county, like, driving teacher who would pick you up in his car and do, like, you had to do the driving lessons with, like, he was always, like, weird to me and my friend. And he would only schedule us together. He was like, you guys can only do your lesson together. There could never be another person with you. Like, you could never have a third friend. It's only you two. So it would be two hours of us in the car. He would take us to Denny's, and like. Like, we would be like, don't we have to learn how to drive? And he'd be like, I'm just gonna get you breakfast and lunch. And then, like, we were too, like, cunty for him. Like, we would just be like, don't be like, you should be a model.

[Claire]

Have you ever thought of.

[Host]

He basically was trying to get me to do porn at, like, 6.

[Claire]

I used to have a joke. One of my first ever jokes I wrote was like, I'm not pretty enough to be a model, but I'm pretty enough to be convinced I could be a model. And they got tricked into doing porn.

[Host]

So that was his whole thing. Like, he was trying to. Like, he was basically like, you guys should be models. Like, have you ever thought of doing, like, videos? And then me and her were just like, you're fucking creepy. Like, you're retarded, but we'll have more chocolate milk and pancakes. So, like, it never got anywhere with us. But then it later came out that like he did this, he ran this play on many girls. And like I was just thinking like why is it always. They're always find a way to get you in a vulnerable position and it's

[Claire]

always who you'd guess.

[Guest]

Yes.

[Claire]

Like you never once hear about a pedophile and go really?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

He seemed so. You're always like oh yeah. The teacher everybody joked was dating students. Was actually dating students. Yeah, yeah.

[Host]

You're like oh yeah. That guy who we all knew for many years. It came out like 10 years after me. And I was like, yeah, we've been new.

[Claire]

I guess everybody knew because I feel like with girls it's like always such an open joke. It's not even an open secret, it's an open joke. I have no radar, had more shame.

[Ashley]

I had no radar. But yeah, I, we had a lot of shame. Cuz there was a dude that like on a church ski trip walked into my room. I was like 15 and just like dick hard started reading the Bible and I was like, oh my God, oh my God. Like by my face and my homie was there and I was just like this cuz I don't belong to the church. He brought me on the church and he left. I was like, is this what you guys do, bro?

[Claire]

This is, this is God. I hate God.

[Guest]

This is God to you.

[Ashley]

Yeah. But then like they had had on the summer reading list that sleeper and you know those kids that like got abused in that book sleeper. And so I said to him, I was like, yo, just yo, we should not tell anyone this happened cuz then we're going to be those kids, you know. So I think with a lot of

[Claire]

like the opposite cuz like the way you get out of being those kids is by telling someone. That's the irony. But I do think with boys there's so much more shame.

[Ashley]

Yeah. Boys just. You just don't say anything because I have not said. I'm never going to say anybody. But I have multiple friends that went through something like that.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

And it's always. Because it's like if you're like the sad kid in school, you skate, you smoke weed, you fight, you look like you don't have parents, like people are going to target you.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

You know, and it's just like us, those types of boys, like bad stuff happen.

[Claire]

Yeah. Whereas with girls, I feel like we're. We all knew. I went to a boarding school.

[Guest]

And also that's the problem though is with girls I feel like nobody Cares because, like, we had a creep teacher who didn't get fired. It was my seventh grade social studies teacher. And like every. I remember he was like, definitely there long enough that it was like a well known thing. Like, when you're in seventh grade, like, if you're hot, you'll be in the first row in this class. Like, and. And the ugly girls go. And like, I remember people would like, get moved to the front row of his class. He would rearrange the seating chart all the time. And you'd be like, did it. And then. And he did not get fired until after I graduated college. So like, he was. And everyone would talk about it all the time. It was like. And he drove an unmarked white van. And people would be like, oh, ye. It's his pedophile mobile.

[Host]

Like, crazy. Because it's like, just get a Toyota Camry. Like, like, do one normal thing.

[Guest]

Do one normal thing.

[Host]

Why can't we.

[Ashley]

I'm like, why aren't we more mad at this than like, bravo, you know?

[Claire]

Yeah, well, that's the joke is like, everyone's mad until someone's accused. I always say, like, you know, every man is guilty except for the accused ones.

[Guest]

Like, you ask. All men are.

[Claire]

Men are good guys. And they're like, of course I gotta wrap my daughter up and get a gun. And then you're like, oh, that guy assaulted her. And he's like, that guy? That guy's a football player. That's impossible.

[Ashley]

He football hard.

[Claire]

Every guy is guilty except for the guys that get accused him.

[Guest]

I can't believe I have the kind of daughter who'd try to ruin a good man's life. Could I raise you better than this?

[Host]

The other favorite of mine is that has now started happening to me. I'm like 12, 13 years out of high school now. That will be like somebody you went to high school with, like, is now married to somebody who was actively a teacher while we were in high school. So it's like, not all the way bad, but. And I'm like, is that not a grooming situation? Like, we. That was like our. That was our literal social studies teacher. And now you guys are married. That's weird. I would the local paper and they're

[Claire]

like celebrating and you're like, wait, so you were like living alone without your parents, and this teacher was like your mentor, and then one day you just developed and he saw you in a new light. Exactly. At the legal time.

[Host]

You've always been mature for your age, babe.

[Ashley]

Our friendship just evolved into something more serious.

[Guest]

When she was 18 in one day.

[Claire]

Suddenly, as soon as. I think we should all do. As soon as I'm done with my spite Margiela business, I think this is next. I should take down first shoes, then pedophiles. I feel I've been wronged more immediately by Margiela. I mean, yes, it never cost me a thousand dollars to, like, feel me up in middle school. You know what I mean?

[Ashley]

We can do something about Margiela.

[Guest]

We already processed. I feel like the seventh grade stuff enough. There's no need to dive back into it right now.

[Host]

We've had time.

[Ashley]

Footwear is an immediate concern.

[Claire]

Yeah, I mean, I'm about to lose a toenail because of the footwear.

[Host]

That's not cool.

[Guest]

I mean, also the outfits that you have planned for, like, next week. What are you gonna wear next week if we don't address that?

[Claire]

I'm just curious. What was the 10 was too small and. Okay. No, I mean, but is it.

[Host]

Was it the flats?

[Claire]

It was the flat with a little bit of heel.

[Host]

Oh, that's not what I want right now. I want to get the blocky ones

[Claire]

with the look, size.

[Host]

Are you.

[Claire]

Do you need a 40?

[Host]

I get a 40 because I'm a 39. So I get a 40 straight. Oh, I should buy them off of you.

[Claire]

I will buy them off of you. Oh, my God. And then you're right.

[Ashley]

Now make sure I will buy them off of.

[Claire]

We're buying them off. This whole situation. Tell me about a 45. Saying the 41s are way too big and the 40s are way too small.

[Host]

Beautiful for me because I needed the shoe.

[Ashley]

Sold the shoes.

[Claire]

I needed the shoes.

[Ashley]

I will purchase the shoe.

[Guest]

I can't believe the way everyone. This is a comma.

[Claire]

You know what?

[Host]

Now we can focus on the pedophiles.

[Claire]

Oh, my God. The world is so lucky because two

[Ashley]

weeks ago, and I was like, you need this.

[Host]

I was, like, looking at shoes. Sending him. And I was like, I really feel like.

[Claire]

Because I have the white and I needed the black with a little bit of heel. Just a little more flattering. So I was like, I need something

[Host]

to do with summer dress.

[Guest]

Can I say tonight I'm still going to.

[Ashley]

When you have a fashion store, just come here. Just come here. We will get things moved around.

[Claire]

Not to be, like, amusing you guys, but I was like, they're cool, connected people. I wonder if they could help me. At least let me use the bathroom. Do you know what I mean?

[Host]

You could totally use the bathroom.

[Ashley]

We can move anything Watches, eyewear, bags, shoes.

[Claire]

We will move it around street dream. This is the dream of Canal Street. You take your tab. Can I tell you. And when they wouldn't let me use the bathroom, they said, but we could

[Host]

get you a water.

[Claire]

And I said, literally, yeah. Oh, thank you.

[Host]

Yes, thank you so much.

[Ashley]

We're gonna buy you lunch. You're gonna take a. In the bathroom. We're gonna buy your shoes, period. Seriously.

[Host]

We're still going back to Margiela to. With them though. We're still going back.

[Claire]

You see, my friends, we have to

[Ashley]

go buy her new size.

[Claire]

Huge.

[Ashley]

We have to buy the right size.

[Host]

We're going back. It's going to be a group trip. We're going to.

[Claire]

That would be so fun.

[Host]

I'm very excited.

[Claire]

And that's actually right off Canal street. So it really is like a full circle moment.

[Host]

We're going.

[Ashley]

We should just go. Because you just buy her new pair and she gives you the old pair.

[Host]

We're doing it in front of them too.

[Ashley]

Fuck you.

[Host]

Yeah. And I'm going to.

[Claire]

That's great because I brought them yesterday to get them stretched and I bet they haven't even started it yet. I'll say give them back of them back and back. I have somebody to get them stretched.

[Ashley]

Don't stretch those.

[Guest]

I love that.

[Host]

And I'm going to like. We're going to pretty woman them. We're going to go in and say no commission for you. Actually, I'd like to speak to the manager who wouldn't let us use the bathroom. No commission.

[Ashley]

Yeah. To go in. You remember her? Yeah.

[Host]

I'll take 20% off the top. Yeah, I'll take 20% off as well. We'll take the employee discount, actually. No commission. And you're using your discount. Swipe your card.

[Claire]

You buy them for you, actually, and then you give them to us, period.

[Host]

This is about to happen.

[Ashley]

I like this.

[Host]

I like this.

[Ashley]

I like this. Fashion justice, finally.

[Claire]

Fashion Police.

[Host]

This is fashion justice.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

This is like when they catch those pedophiles, like those videos online where they catch the pedophiles. Justice.

[Host]

Same thing.

[Claire]

What is his name?

[Host]

John.

[Ashley]

Ken. Yeah. We can't do anything about the pedophiles in government, but we can handle footwear. Yeah.

[Host]

We got this.

[Ashley]

Your theory is correct. Thank you. Look how excited we got.

[Claire]

Exactly. We just needed to take down the immediate problem.

[Host]

Now we can focus on real justice.

[Claire]

Because the justice of a pedophile doesn't really. You still go, well, it still happened. You know what I mean?

[Guest]

That's the problem.

[Host]

You can't undo it.

[Ashley]

I love shooting this outside. And the people walk by and they just hear pedophile.

[Guest]

Don't even tell them what the word means.

[Host]

You have to.

[Guest]

Don't be scared.

[Host]

You have a two year old. And the first thing when he was like 6, Spunzel, the pediatrician was like, start with the anatomically correct body part so he doesn't get molested. And I was like, what?

[Claire]

And then.

[Host]

So now I just tell every time we take a bath, I'm like, that's your penis and this is my vagina and my.

[Claire]

And none but you shall meet.

[Host]

And so he'll run around and now he goes up to him and be like, do you have a penis, daddy? And he like, we'll be out like getting ice cream. He's like, do you have a penis? And I'm like, oh, God.

[Claire]

Until then, it gets.

[Host]

No one's gonna touch his penis because he's in my penis.

[Claire]

That's.

[Host]

So he's ready.

[Claire]

He's ready.

[Host]

He's not going to get molested

[Ashley]

for.

[Claire]

Yeah, keep him at a church camp.

[Host]

I tell him everything. He always asks me, he's like, is your vagina okay? I'm like, it's good today.

[Claire]

I mean, it's so funny. It's probably the worst thing that ever happened to. It was him.

[Host]

Yeah, he was fine. He blessed me. I had a really good birth. I will. I will let him know that too.

[Claire]

It's always nice to hear a happy story.

[Host]

It was good. I will say my birth was good. He delivered it and I think it was. He was. Yeah, he was the reason things were good. He, like did something with it.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Ashley]

So we got this doctor who was very well known, and his whole thing was like, yo, brother, it will not tear. And I was like, this is very important.

[Host]

Which was one of my immediate. Like, before even like, is our baby healthy? I was like, is my vagina get a rip?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

And he was immediately like, actually, no, it won't.

[Ashley]

He had a technique. He straight up was just like, yeah. And then he was like, eddie, get the elbow. And I was like, I got the elbow gloves on, pulled it out and then no tear. And I was like, this was. This is the most.

[Host]

If you ever just have like an extra $60,000 when you're having a baby,

[Ashley]

shout out Dr. Steven, one of those

[Claire]

don't take insurance people. Yeah.

[Host]

And they're just getting like constant bills. He's like, well, one time you came in and used the restroom that was like.

[Ashley]

That was $10,000 insurance.

[Claire]

No. No.

[Host]

Yeah. And, yeah, but it was worth it. It was worth it. I would do it again. Best money we ever spent.

[Ashley]

Pussy still got hands.

[Claire]

You know, you don't want to meet it in the street.

[Host]

You don't. You really don't. Now there's just, like, a little baby who's about to fight you.

[Ashley]

Yeah, we should pivot. So what's going on from celebrity book memoir to this new pod, you know,

[Guest]

where we're talking about anything and everything now? Kind of like, here, this is an episode where we. I mean, it's good. It's really fun. I felt we were. We were getting a bit tired of the celebrity memoirs. I was saying it was like going to the gym where you, like, you know, when it takes your whole day because you don't want to go, and so you're just, like, not doing anything at all. I would like 250.

[Ashley]

That's crazy.

[Host]

Really wild.

[Claire]

And sometimes when people are like, I miss them, I go, there's nobody. You listen. Like, go back and re. Listen then, because you did 250. And that's.

[Ashley]

No, it's like, we used to cook on the pod, and I love cooking, but I was just like, I don't like being. Having to cook at this time every

[Host]

week and then having to eat the meal. So I get it, because it was like, every week we had to, like, eat a meal with somebody, and you're just like, God.

[Guest]

And then you're, like, scheduling around, like, hoping you'll be hungry. Yeah.

[Claire]

I like, it was sad being like, oh, my God, I read, like, 60 books this year, and not a one of them was like, made me smarter.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

Or that you, like. I mean, it's different. Like, obviously you can enjoy that, but just not for, like, pure enjoyment.

[Claire]

And there were good ones. But if I'm reading seven Tori Spelling memoirs, it's like, yeah, I respect, too,

[Ashley]

that you guys didn't get. Get, like, ghost readers, because that would have been funny if you're like, if it's ghost written, we'll get a ghost reader.

[Guest]

That would have been really funny.

[Claire]

And they explained it to us, and then we explained it to you. How many people does it take to explain that Tori Spelling one time didn't get jury duty?

[Host]

Tori Spelling was my favorite, though.

[Claire]

You guys know her. She owes us a book because since her last book, she's gotten divorced and done Dancing with the Stars and moved out of her trailer, her camper van.

[Host]

Oh.

[Claire]

So we kind of need. She, like, had to move out of her house because of moats or mites or something.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ashley]

She's a hall of fame untalented person.

[Claire]

Yes.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Claire]

So basket case.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

You've never seen somebody self sabotage Harder. Because she's worried that everybody thinks she got handed stuff and everybody's like, yeah, no, your life seems bad.

[Host]

It's the entire time.

[Guest]

I think that you came up with that shopping addiction all on your own. I actually, I think I'm really inspired by it. She used to spend like $50,000 in a shopping trip on just sweaters and then be like, I can't afford things.

[Ashley]

Athletes at the Cheesecake Factory. I love seeing like how much money you can spend at a Cheesecake Factory.

[Claire]

I don't think I've ever been to a Cheesecake Factory.

[Host]

Oh, my God. You have to go to the Cheesecake Factory.

[Guest]

There's one in Queen.

[Host]

Mean, you got to the. The way to do it if you're solo dining is the Caesar salad and the Buffalo blast with like a diet Coke. You start and then any, like, any of the Asian fusion dishes and a pasta.

[Ashley]

I really think it's a table of four to six. You got to get hammered and have like giant drinks.

[Claire]

I'm going to do like a buffet.

[Guest]

There's like a southwestern apple situation.

[Host]

Those are phenomenal. Then they have the skinnylicious menu, which is like, makes you feel really good about yourself.

[Ashley]

Have you been to Dallas BBQs? New York? No.

[Host]

Oh, you have to.

[Claire]

You're like, I've gone onto hill. I've gone to dinosaur.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Host]

Dallas BBU is everything we have.

[Ashley]

Like, we introduce you to all.

[Host]

We could go all these places in our tabbies.

[Guest]

Yeah, that would be so fun.

[Claire]

Would you imagine, like walking up and we got to feed each toe.

[Host]

You know, we went on one of our best dates at a Dallas BBQ and we had Henny coladas and ate henny wings and like, we threw the down.

[Ashley]

You can get a Henny colada with a bottle of Moscato poured inside of it.

[Host]

Like, it's like. It's just like, keep it in there. It's incredible. Incredible. It's like one of the best places.

[Claire]

One of my college jobs was I was a waitress at this place called Lucy's Cantina Royale. I don't think you guys have eaten there because the food was ass. It was like a Mexican restaurant, quote unquote, right outside of the Port of. Yeah, Port of.

[Guest]

It was like luau themed, right?

[Claire]

It was a luau. It was cowboy luau themed. I'm into this, I had to wear some.

[Ashley]

My dad would open.

[Host]

Yeah, this is, like.

[Claire]

I had to wear, like, a denim backless halter dress and cowboy boots and. But we had a thing. We had one of those, like, frozen margaritas that you put a Corona in. And at least once a shift, somebody would bump into me, and an entire one of them would go down. And so it's like, first the sticky would go, and then the Corona would be like, glug, glug.

[Ashley]

Yeah, I'm into the one drink DUI cocktail menu. Like, drink one dui.

[Claire]

Like, just, like me up a real Long island iced tea.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I think the Long island iced Te is a phenomenal creation.

[Guest]

One time, one of my friends and I did a bar crawl through Times Square, and we did the Times Square Applebee's, and then we did the. The one that's like. Like Johnny's or Jimmy's Corner or something like that. But there are, like, the Applebee's happy hour menu in Times Square is crazy. You can get one of those huge things, and it's like, eight bucks.

[Host]

I love, like, a Chili's. I'm like. I'm like a chain restaurant, girl.

[Guest]

I love a chain restaurant.

[Host]

I love a chain restaurant.

[Guest]

I grew up in a town with no chain restaurants. There was, like, an ordinance against it, and so there were all these places that I used to see on tv, and I'd be like, my dream. I. It was my dream in life to go to Olive Garden, and I went a couple years ago to the Olive Garden in Times Cool Square. I like.

[Claire]

I mean, our first ever. One of our first business dinners, like, our Christmas dinner before we made any money, was we got to go to the Red Lobster. Red Lobster.

[Host]

I've still never been to a Red Lobster.

[Claire]

You go and you just get biscuits. Yeah, yeah. Like, you go the night before a marathon, and you just car crab.

[Ashley]

I get the shrimp. I go crazy in there.

[Claire]

I'm very aware of the Red Lobster CEO. I feel like he's done a great job, Zoran.

[Ashley]

Yeah, he is. Resurrected Red Lobster.

[Claire]

Yeah. He's, like, young. He's smart. He's out at 5. And I'm just like, that's a businessman who's got my heart.

[Ashley]

I will eat seafood everywhere. You're not supposed to. Like, I used to get the surf and turf at White Castle. It's a burger with a fried fish patty inside of it.

[Claire]

That's great.

[Ashley]

Across from Pumps in Bushwick.

[Host]

That's crazy.

[Claire]

Oh, we went to Pump.

[Guest]

We went to Valentine's Day At Pumps once.

[Host]

Pumps is great. I love Pumps.

[Guest]

Shout out Pumps.

[Ashley]

Pumps. The White Castle of strip clubs.

[Guest]

One time, I went to a White Castle with my friends when I was 16 years old because they wanted to do the Harold and Kumar thing. And I just gotten my driver's license, and so I, like, looked up the directions on MapQuest and I tried to drive there, and I just couldn't find it. And I was just driving all around this neighbor, like, I could not find the White Castle. And I would, like, every couple minutes, pull over and call, like, my mom or my friend Aaron on the phone and be like, where am I? And there's no way to find out. I had this, like, little flip flop.

[Claire]

White Castle specifically has, like, a flag in its castle.

[Host]

I feel like they're trying to be

[Guest]

found, like, in this kind of, like, tilted way where it was kind of hard to see where. I don't know. I couldn't find the White Castle. It was like one of the more traumatic days of my life, just driving in circles. And my friends had made it through, like, 25 of those sliders by the time I got there.

[Host]

That's crazy. It was this guy.

[Claire]

They waited for you driving them. You were just joining? Yeah.

[Host]

You were just joining, and they didn't wait for you?

[Claire]

I got my license. I was going to take everyone to White Castle. And you just like, no. We were all like, no. We were almost like a long story.

[Guest]

We were all meeting at White Castle to all the do the case race. And then I got there and I was like, I'm too far behind. I'm not even gonna try. And then I tried one bite of it, and I said, oh, I don't know that I could eat 40.

[Host]

Something I used to do was, like, when I lived alone, like, the first time I lived alone, this was probably like 2013 in Williamsburg. And I used to buy at the grocery store the frozen White Castle burgers that you can buy. They're so good. And it was just like, one of those things you do, but you don't tell anybody in your real life. You do it, like, by yourself. And, like, genuinely. I never not had them. I was actively eating them constantly.

[Ashley]

And the Jimmy Dean sausage sandwiches, those are incredible.

[Host]

I was a Hot Pocket on the way to school.

[Claire]

I. A breakfast in middle school was. I lived right next to a deli, and I would get a Snapple, like a peach Snapple and a Milky Way. And then my big, like, lunchtime snack was I would. We thought we got the best deal in the world. They would Give us a buttered baguette. That was like the go to snack. You just get a foot of bread with, like, schmears. I don't even think it was real butter.

[Host]

I feel like it was just like, margarine.

[Claire]

Yeah. Just like, whatever. They could, like, schlep on there and we'd be like, this is $1.50. Can you believe it?

[Ashley]

Incredible. Stouffer's garlic bread. Incredible.

[Guest]

Wow.

[Claire]

I was entamins cakes.

[Guest]

I was a pop tart person.

[Ashley]

Do you guys sometimes, like, meet people in New York or LA from, like, nicer families and they're just like, oh, I never had that part of my child. Like, I've never seen that brand, Entenmanns.

[Claire]

And I'm like, I was really even amongst.

[Ashley]

They are, like, good bakers.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

I'd be at my house where I was like, get the edamans out.

[Claire]

We have company. I was like, the one kid of my friends who was, like, really allowed to eat garbage. Do you know what I mean? I feel like everyone else had, like, real Omni moms. And I would go over and I'd be like, what do you mean you're only allowed to have kick cereal as an after school snack? I was like, I'm eating lucky charms at 4am like, the one thing I couldn't have was gushers. And I actually have, like, an addiction to gushers that got so bad.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Claire]

When I moved out on my own. But I really was like, the friend who was just allowed to eat. And other kids would come over and be like, oh, my mom won't let me have Aunt Jemima syrup. And I was like, I don't want your garbage maple syrup.

[Host]

Yeah. I don't want your locally sourced

[Guest]

sweetened syrup. Yeah. Like, with more sugar.

[Ashley]

There's like, people in food that like, talk about, like, oh, I grew up on Julia Child. I'm like, I didn't know who she was till I was, like, a chef. Like, I grew up on Mary Callenders.

[Guest]

Oh, there are so many foods that I thought I hated just because no one, like, in my family knew how to cook them good.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Guest]

I remember being like, brisket is the most disgusting food in the world.

[Host]

Why is it so tough?

[Guest]

No, literally, I remember being like, every. Every, like, Passover, we have to eat brisket. And it sucks.

[Claire]

My big things were Hamburger Helpers.

[Ashley]

And then I was, oh, that's delicious.

[Claire]

Okay. Has anyone here ever had deviled ham?

[Host]

No.

[Ashley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Claire]

No.

[Guest]

You told me about this, and I

[Claire]

think I feel like only my, like, my mom's mom maybe bought a ton during a war. And like, only our family had it. But it's like if tuna was ham. Yeah. But it comes in a candy do, like mayo. And it's. It really looks like cat barf. And I, I used to take it to school and I'd get bullied about it. And I was just like, I wasn't curious. It's so good.

[Host]

I would say that's a crazy fact to take to school. Like, that's a crazy, like, taking to school.

[Claire]

I couldn't even imagine that people would think it was gross. It was so delicious that when people like, laughed at. How disgusting. Because, like, this delicacy, there's like a

[Ashley]

horseshoe of like, when you're so white trash, you basically become Chinese. Like, your lunch is so stank that you're Chinese, you know? Because I like that. I'm like, oh, that could be in a Chinese grocery store.

[Claire]

I was raised fully upper middle class. My mom was just kind of a sleepier mom. And she was like, take this can. There was a lot of mothers who were making like enough dinner the night before that there'd be like a heat up lunch. And I was like. My mom was like, it's 8:15. We forgot to get up. Here's $20. Get whatever Snapple you can find.

[Ashley]

Yeah, your mom is that idiom of like, you can be rich but have no.

[Claire]

Yeah, it was a real leg. She was just like, get something on the way. Go, go, go, go.

[Ashley]

She's feeding you deviled ham. And you guys had money. You went to a private school. I hate to bring it to. You are white trash.

[Guest]

We were a Pop Tart house. We were like, known for having, like, we had just all of the kinds of pop Tarts and we would just take a Pop Tarts and eat that in the car on the way to school. And then my mom, like one of her things and now she tries to deny it, but like, a core part of her personality was that she didn't know how to cook. When I was growing up, she did not know how to cook. She would talk about it all the time. My dad would work late and she would make my bro scrambled eggs for dinner. And like, that's how we would. And now she'll be like, no, I cook for you all the time. And I'm like, in what world? Name one dish then that's very much

[Host]

my mom, like, she was like, didn't know how to cook. And like, all of a sudden she met him and she'd be like, oh, I'm gonna, like, make this dish. And like, he. I'm like, when the nationality that she

[Claire]

aligns with, too, is, like, a Greek. Yeah. She makes.

[Host]

She makes fire Greek food. But, like, growing up, like, genuinely, she would do something. She'd be like, these are Greek eggs. They were just, like, sunny side up eggs. And, like, that's what I would eat for dinner. She was like, no, they're Greek eggs.

[Claire]

We were a big, like, order pizza. And then my mom would throw, like, mixed greens on, like, with oil and vinegar.

[Ashley]

Yo, Caesar, chicken salad.

[Host]

Slice is fire, please.

[Claire]

It was always oil and vinegar and then sometimes salt and pepper with it, but always just, like, the mixed greens from a box. And she was like, but I made the side salad. She was, no matter what we eat, she's always like, but you just throw a side salad with it.

[Ashley]

I, like, would like to eat at your mom's house.

[Guest]

I don't know what you collab.

[Ashley]

White trash dinner with her.

[Host]

We should do the bow house. White trash.

[Ashley]

The ideal dinner. I would like. We're collabing with the bathhouse. But your mom would be a very

[Host]

good chef whenever she wants to come throw down.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Just like, devil hamburger.

[Host]

That Hambo would go crazy. Yeah, we do the kale salad. We'll do the devil Hambo. I would go bananas.

[Ashley]

So good. Is there anything we guys want to talk about? Otherwise, you know, your agent is here.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Host]

What should we plug?

[Claire]

Oh, can I plug myself? I just came out with a special. It's called Clare Parker's 32. It's on YouTube. If you Google Claire Parker 32, it'll pop right up.

[Ashley]

We are going to watch that.

[Claire]

Thank you.

[Ashley]

We're going to watch that with our son.

[Claire]

I would love that. He'll be 32 one day, so he prep him now.

[Host]

I like that. I'm 32.

[Ashley]

What are the cliff. What's the big thing about being 32? What?

[Claire]

It's like, mine was a big, like, deciding whether or not I want to have kids.

[Ashley]

Oh, are you going to have them?

[Claire]

Yeah. Well, the joke is in there. I'm like, talking about my abortion, and now it's been a year, so we'll see. Well, it's been a year of not having a baby. But, you know, we'll get science involved. It is so funny. I had an abortion, like, pretty recently. I'm like, I can't believe. I'm like, back to back going abortion to ivf. Where was the middle?

[Host]

Listen, I mean, sometimes you're like, it's just not the one yeah.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

It's just not the time. It's not the one.

[Claire]

Well, the thing is, I had parties that summer.

[Host]

Yeah, Listen, I hear that. I actively, last summer, was telling people. I was like, I cannot get pregnant this summer. I'm trying to, like, smoke cigs and, like, be outside.

[Claire]

I was like, it's just not going to happen.

[Host]

Sometimes you need a summer.

[Claire]

You have an outfit. And you're like, I can't be pregnant.

[Host]

We also have talked about our family plan. I was like, I can't do it this summer.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Host]

But I can't have kids naturally anymore. I'm two tubes down. So we would have to do ivf, but now I'm leaning surrogate. I'm like, I don't think I want to do it, actually.

[Claire]

And, like, the beauty of being a woman.

[Host]

I was like, we could sync up.

[Ashley]

I'm into this. I'm into this.

[Host]

I, like, was like, you know, that's the beauty of being a woman. It's like, you can't have an abortion and then decide to do IVF the next month. And you can also decide, like, I'm going to do a surrogate. You can decide whatever you want. And that's the beauty of being a woman, ladies and gentlemen.

[Guest]

Anything you want.

[Claire]

We have a lot of options.

[Ashley]

They rebuilt the towers, babe.

[Host]

You're going to be these men trying to take our fucking options away. We still got them.

[Claire]

Yeah. I will say it doesn't feel optiony to me, but I'm like. I feel like I'm down to one choice, but we'll see.

[Host]

I really don't have many options here.

[Claire]

Yeah, but there's. There's paths forward.

[Host]

Always paths forward. Maybe not options, but paths forward. I like that.

[Claire]

Cool. Ashley. No. We're going to be doing a live panel show. Oh, my God. Would you guys like to be on our live panel show? We're trying to figure out, like, Chelsea lately slash, Graham Norton style panel show.

[Guest]

No, we've already figured it out. Don't make us sound unprepared. We've actually figured out something groundbreaking and we're debuting it this summer at Union hall, and I'm really excited about it.

[Claire]

Fringe. Oh, we're doing a week of it. Yeah.

[Ashley]

Can we sell my book on it at the channel? Okay, done. Let's do this.

[Guest]

Yeah. And then I host a podcast. It's called Good Noticings. Me, too.

[Claire]

You should listen to every Wednesday.

[Guest]

Every Wednesday. You can listen to it wherever you

[Claire]

get your podcast and even YouTube now.

[Ashley]

I love this. We dropped Tuesdays. You drop Wednesday.

[Guest]

Oh, my God. We're feeling in it for you guys.

[Host]

Literally. Don't think your own thoughts.

[Ashley]

Listen to us.

[Guest]

And then. And then that's. That's it.

[Claire]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest]

You can find us on social media. Good noticings. Pod Ashley Ham. Claire the scare.

[Claire]

Boom.

[Guest]

She's very scary.

[Ashley]

I love it. I love it. Will you be having kids this year?

[Claire]

I mean,

[Host]

I was asking you.

[Guest]

No, no, no. Yeah.

[Claire]

She's got a dog.

[Guest]

I have a dog who is a baby.

[Ashley]

They're harder.

[Host]

They are harder.

[Ashley]

Dogs are harder.

[Host]

I will say they are. We have two dogs that she wakes

[Guest]

up in the middle of the night and. And cries and babies have never done that. No, that's what I'm saying is it's like actually the same.

[Host]

I would agree. I tell everybody if they're thinking. I'm like, just do a dog first. It prepares you wildly for parenthood.

[Claire]

You.

[Ashley]

You put a diaper on a kid.

[Host]

Cool.

[Ashley]

You put a diaper on a dog. My dog ate the diaper, then pissed all over my car.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Straight up, they are not the same.

[Host]

Straight up, they're not the same.

[Claire]

Problem solving.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Claire]

Well, thanks.

[Guest]

Thank you so much for having.

[Ashley]

Let's have lunch.