115: Chelsea Handler confronts Tana for stalking her at the airport..

Summary

Podcast Summary: Episode 115 – "Chelsea Handler Confronts Tana for Stalking Her at the Airport"

Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield, in collaboration with Cancelled & Audioboom Studios, brings together Tana Mongeau and Brooke Schofield alongside special guest Chelsea Handler. This episode delves into personal anecdotes, reflections on fame, relationships, and the complexities of navigating life under public scrutiny.

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1. The Airport Confrontation

[01:05] The episode opens with Chelsea Handler and Tana Mongeau finally meeting after an awkward past encounter at an airport. Both express relief and excitement about being together on the show.

• Tana Mongeau: "Welcome to the canceled podcast."
• Chelsea Handler: "I can't wait to get canceled with you."

---

2. Navigating Fame and Personal Boundaries

The conversation shifts to their experiences with fame and the challenges it brings, particularly regarding personal boundaries and public interactions.

[02:03] (Note: This segment includes an advertisement for DraftKings Casino, which is skipped in the summary.)

[12:30] Post-advertisement, the hosts laugh about past antics and discuss sobriety and substance use.

• Chelsea Handler: "I got banned from friendsgiving last year because I was making a green bean casserole with my hair."
• Brooke Schofield: "Why you're sober now."

---

3. Relationships and Personal Growth

They delve into their romantic histories, sharing humorous and honest insights about dating, breakups, and personal growth.

• Tana Mongeau: "I think you're never gonna regret feeling. Having the sense of freedom that I feel on a daily basis."
• Chelsea Handler: "A breakup to me is just another exciting adventure."

[04:31] Brooke and Tana discuss growing up in neglectful homes and the impact on their relationships, emphasizing the importance of breaking negative patterns.

• Brooke Schofield: "We were both born with parents who shouldn't have had children and chose to anyway."
• Tana Mongeau: "I finally did break the cycle in that sense."

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4. Reflecting on Personal Achievements and Authenticity

Chelsea shares her journey as an author, emphasizing the importance of authenticity in her work and personal life.

• Chelsea Handler: "I've been making a living doing this for over 25 years. I have three homes. I have so many beautiful friends and families. I do whatever the fuck I want."
• Tana Mongeau: "If I hadn't grown up on Chelsea lately and grown up on you, I would have been so much more fearful to be as authentic as I have been."

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5. Substance Use and Coping Mechanisms

The hosts openly discuss their use of various substances as coping mechanisms, including alcohol, LSD, and Xanax, providing a raw look into their personal struggles and habits.

• Chelsea Handler: "I love Xanax and so much. I can only get my prescription filled every 30 days, which is so annoying."
• Tana Mongeau: "I have to sedate myself today so that I would act accordingly."

[26:50] They humorously debate the effectiveness and societal perceptions of different substances.

• Chelsea Handler: "MDMA is great. LSD microdose I think is great for any sort of outside experience, nature."
• Tana Mongeau: "I'm on the right side of, you know, history."

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6. Overcoming Anxiety and Embracing Positivity

Chelsea and Tana explore themes of anxiety, self-awareness, and the transformative power of positivity.

• Chelsea Handler: "The vibe you're gonna get back is the vibe you're gonna get from focusing on the positive."
• Tana Mongeau: "I'm prioritizing, taking the time to stop and slow down and be proud of myself."

[34:00] They emphasize the importance of personal growth and self-reflection, encouraging listeners to embrace their journey.

• Chelsea Handler: "Once you get good at what you are, then nobody can stop."
• Tana Mongeau: "This industry hates that."

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7. Chelsea's Writing Journey and Creative Process

Chelsea discusses her evolution as an author, highlighting her approach to writing and the significance of sharing authentic stories.

• Chelsea Handler: "I was very good at storytelling. I didn't know I could make a living telling stories."
• Tana Mongeau: "If you're truly, authentically who you are, then you will get rewarded for your authenticity."

[48:12] They touch upon the challenges of writing about personal experiences without infringing on others' privacy.

• Chelsea Handler: "You have to protect private people. It's libelous."
• Tana Mongeau: "I think people would still put two and two together."

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8. Future Plans and Upcoming Projects

Chelsea teases upcoming projects, including acting roles and adventures like a trip to Antarctica, while Tana expresses her excitement and support.

• Chelsea Handler: "I'm going to be doing some acting this year, and it's gonna be really entertaining."
• Tana Mongeau: "I love that you just buy houses like their lattes."

[83:31] They humorously discuss their plans, showcasing their dynamic chemistry and mutual support.

• Chelsea Handler: "I love giving away things. I'm giving you some lsd."
• Tana Mongeau: "I love your hatred for Sonos."

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9. Closing Reflections and Mutual Respect

As the episode wraps up, Tana expresses heartfelt gratitude towards Chelsea, highlighting the impact Chelsea has had on her life and career.

• Tana Mongeau: "I feel like this is one of the greatest days of my life. I idolize you so much."
• Chelsea Handler: "Be who you are. Authenticity yields the best rewards."

[90:00] They conclude with lighthearted banter and final reflections, reinforcing their bond and the episode's themes of authenticity and personal growth.

• Chelsea Handler: "We are friends now. We'll see each other again."
• Tana Mongeau: "I'm so excited for you and your Antarctica adventures."

---

Key Takeaways

1. Authenticity Matters: Embracing who you are leads to genuine success and fulfillment.
2. Navigating Fame: Maintaining personal boundaries is crucial when under public scrutiny.
3. Personal Growth: Reflecting on past experiences fosters resilience and self-awareness.
4. Coping Mechanisms: Substance use is discussed candidly as both a challenge and a tool for managing life’s pressures.
5. Support Systems: Building strong relationships and support networks are essential for overcoming personal hurdles.

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This episode of Cancelled offers an unfiltered glimpse into the lives of Chelsea Handler, Tana Mongeau, and Brooke Schofield, blending humor with deep personal insights. Whether discussing past confrontations, the intricacies of relationships, or the importance of authenticity, the hosts provide a compelling narrative that resonates with listeners seeking both entertainment and meaningful conversation.

Transcript

[Chelsea Handler]

Geico's motorcycle expertise means I'm covered by people who know bikes like I do. I'm happy as a clam.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, conclusive scientific research has shown clams can experience happiness.

[Chelsea Handler]

It just meant that I feel really good about my coverage.

[Tana Mongeau]

I mean, even if you took the clam out for the best day ever, visiting the zoo, taking a scenic ride.

[Brooke Schofield]

Knowing you're insured by specialists, and sharing.

[Tana Mongeau]

A strawberry ice cream cone together, the clam would not feel happy. And your strawberry cone would taste sort of clammy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Ew.

[Tana Mongeau]

Geico's motorcycle specialists who know bikes like you do, assume no liability for clammy ice cream cones. GEICO expertise for your motorcycle.

[Chelsea Handler]

Check engine light on.

[Tana Mongeau]

Take the guesswork out of your check.

[Chelsea Handler]

Engine light with O'Reilly Veriscan. It's free. Ask for O'Reilly Veriscan today.

[Tana Mongeau]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Chelsea Handler]

O'Reilly Auto Parts. What's your name again?

[Brooke Schofield]

Brooke.

[Chelsea Handler]

Brooke and Tana.

[Tana Mongeau]

Tana.

[Chelsea Handler]

Tana.

[Tana Mongeau]

But you can call me Tana.

[Brooke Schofield]

Call us whatever you want.

[Tana Mongeau]

You can actually hit me with a bus.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. Okay.

[Tana Mongeau]

They were trying to find a parking spot for you outside, and I was like, I'll just lay down. Like, it's. That's fine by me. Yeah. Let me. Chelsea Handler.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're here. Finally, we're together.

[Tana Mongeau]

Welcome to the canceled podcast.

[Chelsea Handler]

I can't wait to get canceled with you. I cannot wait. I'm exhausted, so I need a timeout anyway, you know, so we love a good time. I'm down. And the last time we were together, I didn't even know we were together. I had to hear about us being together on a plane ride to Vegas.

[Tana Mongeau]

From Vegas.

[Chelsea Handler]

From Vegas. Was it from Vegas? Oh, okay. And then I was receiving videos, crazy videos about this. Crazy. And I was like. And they're like, yeah. They're like, she. This girl is freaking out about being on a plane with you. And I'm like, I think I saw that woman.

[Brooke Schofield]

She called me crying.

[Chelsea Handler]

I. I think I saw her in the jet suite terminal in Vegas.

[Tana Mongeau]

I had to walk out. I had to.

[Chelsea Handler]

I saw you walk out.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Because I saw the look. And that look was like, okay. I could tell that you were one of me. Like, we were one unit. So I was like, oh. And then. And now here we are, finally. RIU Narsay.

[Tana Mongeau]

I.

[Chelsea Handler]

How beautiful.

[Brooke Schofield]

We're so excited to have you. We're gonna throw up, probably.

[Tana Mongeau]

Everyone kept telling me, you. Why didn't you say something to her? You love this woman so much. Why wouldn't you say something? And it's so parasocial to say, but I knew you didn't want that. I knew you did not want that. You don't want to be. I feel like. Am I wrong to say that you don't want someone to come up to you, especially of this sort, leaving you?

[Chelsea Handler]

I wouldn't say I don't want that, because that's not really fair. Like, when I'm in a public place, I accept what's happening at dinner. Sitting down at dinner with my family that I find annoying. Or if I'm in a public restroom, which seems to be a favorite of people to do, to follow you into a restroom and then take a picture by a stall.

[Tana Mongeau]

I agree.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think that's ick. But when I have a fan who really loves me, I will never reject you.

[Tana Mongeau]

You just seemed so in your zone. I also know you're doing your Vegas residency, and I feel like leaving Vegas is just a disgusting feeling, no matter how much comfort you have. Jet suite, all of it. Like that feeling. You just want to be home in your own bed.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I was like, that's very sensitive and empathic for you to understand. For all people who are leaving Vegas, I mean, I think it's feeding. Have you ever left veg a great mood?

[Tana Mongeau]

You know, I'm from there. I was born in Las Vegas.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, that explains a lot.

[Tana Mongeau]

Tana, everything.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's what her name is now, Tana.

[Tana Mongeau]

I told her you could ask.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's what I'm going to call you. Tana Manu. I said, manganow. And they said, no, Manjo. And I'm like, manjioro.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's like some other face on a keyboard. Manjaro is everything. Actually, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Tana Manjaro, Why not?

[Tana Mongeau]

Tanya Manjaro, Tina Mongalu. I've heard it all. I don't. It's. I get that it's hard, you know, I hope I make marry like a Smith.

[Chelsea Handler]

I.

[Tana Mongeau]

You know, I hope.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I. That would be exciting. Are you gonna get married?

[Tana Mongeau]

I think so. It's you always. I was. I'm talking to you like I know you once again. I'm like, you always talk me out of it when we hang out, and you're my best friend. You just. It's so funny. I'll, like, think I want kids for a second there. I didn't originally, in the beginning of my life. And I have a very similar experience to you where I was born into morons or feeling like they were morons, at least at a very young age. And like, all of Those things. And I didn't for a long time. I don't know. And then every time I hear you talk about it, you just, like, make me that trap.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just think you're never gonna regret. Well, actually, I can't speak for you, obviously, but I think I can. I think you're never gonna regret feeling. Having the sense of freedom that I feel on a daily basis. I think that any. Like, if you're on the fence at all about having children, then you probably shouldn't.

[Brooke Schofield]

Okay. But love that and respect that, because I feel like we were both born with parents who shouldn't have had children and chose to anyway.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

And I wish they just had the better.

[Chelsea Handler]

My parents, they just forgot. They were like, oh, I guess we'll just keep fucking. We already have five children. We can't afford it. I'm one of six. So my parents just were like, never use birth control. So it was also not really thinking things through. Luckily, they came out with a huge fucking winner. You know what I mean? I know.

[Brooke Schofield]

Well, after six, you'd hope so.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. After six, the odds are one of them's gonna be a winner, and that winner is sitting right here. But none of them are real losers in my family, so we have that. My parents. My dad was the biggest loser out of all of us.

[Tana Mongeau]

Do you think that you all came out so great because you saw him and it was like, I don't want.

[Chelsea Handler]

To be like that possibly could be the reason. I know that was a. Like, you know, setting an example. Like, setting a worse example is sometimes more effective than setting a good example because it really makes you understand that you don't want to behave that way. The way my dad dealt with people was embarrassing. Like, he didn't. He didn't. How did you just sip that water again? Can you just sip that water again for me?

[Tana Mongeau]

I sip that water like I've had 50 needles in my face in the last fucking one. Are you ready?

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. Yeah, I want to.

[Tana Mongeau]

So now I'm, like, going to perform.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like I'm stuck in the dick naturally.

[Tana Mongeau]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Tana Mongeau]

Doing anything in front of you. Naturally.

[Brooke Schofield]

Mine hurts.

[Tana Mongeau]

Mine's crazy. I can't.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. No, you cannot do that. You're sticking your tongue inside the bottle. Did you see what she just did?

[Brooke Schofield]

She did.

[Chelsea Handler]

Have you seen this before?

[Brooke Schofield]

Unfortunately.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well. Oh, I see what you're doing, Tana.

[Tana Mongeau]

This is what you're doing. I'm leading with tongue, which I.

[Chelsea Handler]

How can you drink like that?

[Tana Mongeau]

I lead with tongue a lot in life.

[Chelsea Handler]

Are you getting and Then you open the tongue out. You put the tongue back.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, I kind of eat it out a little. I do like Amy Winehouse. Did you in that closet.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did she eat me out?

[Tana Mongeau]

Was it a 12 year old? Amy Winehouse?

[Chelsea Handler]

Martha. Martha McIntosh. I have to think of her fake name. And I almost said her.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, my gosh. Wait, I was wondering about that.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm like, damn.

[Brooke Schofield]

Did Martha just catch a stray?

[Chelsea Handler]

No. There's a girl in my book who went down on me, you guys. And her name is Martha McIntosh for the purposes of the book. That's not a real name. That's not her real name. So don't get it twisted. If you know Martha McIntosh, she's not the one eating.

[Brooke Schofield]

Do you always change names or just Martha?

[Chelsea Handler]

Only if they're eating me out.

[Brooke Schofield]

Okay.

[Tana Mongeau]

Typically, if the most names.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, 90% of people have to have their names changed because of going down on me. But yeah, you only change someone's name if they're a private person and you are telling an incriminating story about them. If they're a public person like Andrew Cuomo or Bill Cosby, you can talk about them.

[Brooke Schofield]

Absolutely.

[Tana Mongeau]

How do you come up with Martha McIntosh? Is that where the LSD comes in?

[Chelsea Handler]

Like how LSD comes in hot? Yeah, yeah, we, yeah, we need to talk about your LSD use because I saw a video of you. Because now I follow you.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm sorry.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I'm enjoying everything. I enjoy seeing pictures of your ass every single day. You. I mean, I've ever seen somebody spend more time in snow that isn't skiing.

[Tana Mongeau]

Oh, my God.

[Chelsea Handler]

Have you ever been on a set of skis?

[Tana Mongeau]

Metaphorically maybe, like with cocaine? You know, like those.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been on those slopes as well.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you go into these ski environments and you just get naked. I hope this was inspired by me. It was okay. Thank you.

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, you shaped me as the entire person I am.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love it. I love it. But have you ever snowboarded or anything?

[Tana Mongeau]

I would die, Chelsea.

[Chelsea Handler]

I would do it going into the snow.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, I actually fucking hate the snow. It's all my boyfriend want and I hate saying that to you, you know, but it's.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's okay.

[Tana Mongeau]

It is what it is.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's okay. You can hate the snow.

[Tana Mongeau]

I hate snow.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just create snow.

[Tana Mongeau]

My boyfriend for his birthday wanted to go to the snow, so I, I obliged. And then I decided that the only thing I can do there really is be a whore. It's, you know, they all went to hit the slopes and then you were.

[Chelsea Handler]

Just like, let's take pictures of me. Totally. I get it. I get it. It's a fun sett. It is.

[Tana Mongeau]

It is.

[Brooke Schofield]

You started skiing, like, later, kind of in life. You said, no.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I've always skied, but I got really good late. Like, when I once I turned, like, 38, I was like, oh, I'm not fucking around. Okay. I'm gonna. I had a boyfriend who left me on a mountain. And this is a story that I wrote about in my book. And we were skiing with the Kennedys at the Sundance Film Festival. That was my first date with this fucking asshole. And he left me on a double black diamond. And I was not equipped to ski down this. It wasn't even. It was like a cliff. Like, you had to hop over a cliff on your se. Like, jump into the mountain. And I was like, no, no, I can't. So I took my skis off right before that jump and turned around and hiked up the mountain with two other people in the group who also got freaked out. Normally a person would have been on a first date like that with a guy and been like, oh, that's a huge red flag. I dated him for another two years.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, you didn't.

[Brooke Schofield]

I said I just wanted to get better at skiing after that.

[Tana Mongeau]

I love that it was to Spider man, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

But also what that taught me. Are you here with the ice? It's okay. Walk freely. Oh, thank you so much. This is gonna be so much better with ice. Thank you.

[Tana Mongeau]

And why I wouldn't get for Chelsea Handler.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's like, my number. Ice and snow are the two things I care about the most.

[Tana Mongeau]

I should have imported snow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Here, I'll give you. Let me. You want to grab. Here, I'll make your cup.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, you don't make mine.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I'll make you a cup. I'm a really. This is all I can do.

[Tana Mongeau]

She's a homemaker.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm a. Yeah, I'm a homemaker. I'm a domesticity goddess. So I went skiing with these Kennedys, and I was like. After that experience, I was like, I will never, ever get stuck like that again. Like, I'm never going to be in a situation. I hate when ice does this. Hold on a second.

[Tana Mongeau]

My roommates just cussed me out for, like, never using the ice scooper.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, no, I don't use a scooper.

[Tana Mongeau]

I just. It's like I have two.

[Chelsea Handler]

My hands, like, the other day.

[Brooke Schofield]

Trust me, if anyone is not worried, it's me.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, There you Go.

[Tana Mongeau]

When I found out that you only wash certain spots in the shower, I've never felt so seen. I think anyone who's scrubbing their shins has too much free time.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I think that's a. Yeah, I do too. I don't understand what people are washing and I don't understand the time that people are spending in showers.

[Tana Mongeau]

I couldn't agree more.

[Chelsea Handler]

What are you doing in there? Like, I mean, if you're not. If you're. I don't think your girls are jerking off in the shower, are they?

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm not in the cooler right here.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, it's not really a cooler anymore, but.

[Brooke Schofield]

Nailed it.

[Tana Mongeau]

Beautiful.

[Chelsea Handler]

This weekend I was at my sister's birthday and there was a big thing of like a glass baking dish of pork carnitas that my aunt had brought up and she was going to make chila cheeks or chili chilaquiles. Chilaquiles and chila Chiclets.

[Tana Mongeau]

Okay. My orca baddie.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then I went in to go get some of it out. She was putting it in the frying pan and I guess I took the wrong utensil. Like it was a spatula and I should have grabbed a spoon or something and just like carnitas just went all over, like the edge of the pan. Everywhere but the pan, of course. And my family just looked at me and they said, just get out of here.

[Tana Mongeau]

Stop trying.

[Chelsea Handler]

Stop it. Like, what happens when you touch food is so gross. Like, you don't come in anywhere near the kitchen again. And I'm like, no problem. Yes.

[Brooke Schofield]

I do those things on purpose. Are you like, weaponized? You're a great kitchen. I do everything exactly wrong. So no one wants me in there.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Weaponized incompetence. I like that. Yeah, that's how. That's what I am.

[Tana Mongeau]

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[Brooke Schofield]

Is that the reason I'm like, that's.

[Chelsea Handler]

Why you're sober now. I saw that you were sober online this morning.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

Something about she's. She may quit drinking or make whatever, but she's not going to stop. You are promoting some product. I don't remember what it was.

[Tana Mongeau]

It was a. Oh, I was promoting weed.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, okay. So you're. So you can smoke weed.

[Tana Mongeau]

I smoke weed. I can do everything else. Honestly, I just can't drink. It's funny, when I got to the Caitlyn chapter of your book, I was like, I am Caitlyn. You know what I mean?

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, I see. This is delicious, by the way. I just want to say that my owls brew is fucking delicious. I've never had the mint one on ice and this is delicious.

[Brooke Schofield]

It really is fabulous.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I've never debated relapsing for a product until this.

[Chelsea Handler]

And as long as you can do other drugs, let's just stick with those.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean? Nobody likes the sloppy drugs 100%, you know what I mean? As long as you can enjoy other drugs, let's. I get it.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I love that. I feel like I can do all of the other things, but the alcohol, for me, it's like, oh my God.

[Chelsea Handler]

To know your strengths and weaknesses, especially when using drugs and alcohol, 100%, you know, there's nothing. People who are hot messes when they drink. It's not fun to be around.

[Tana Mongeau]

And that's where I got to. You know what I mean? I was just like, I can't keep being this person that everyone's like, oh my God, here she goes again. You know, I miss.

[Chelsea Handler]

How about your regular personality that if you added alcohol to that, it's a.

[Tana Mongeau]

Forest fire, Tasmanian devil. I'm ruining my life. I'm ruining everyone's life around me. And I held onto it for so long. There's Vegas in my blood. I was like, born drunk, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

But what happens in Vegas during the school year? Like, what are people up to?

[Brooke Schofield]

It feels strange that people are like, from there or actually like live there.

[Tana Mongeau]

By the age of five, I was like, why the would anyone have children Here, you know, it's. It is a place that's run on sex, drugs, alcohol, money, murder, all the things. Like, it's true. It blows my mind.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's when people are like, were you born in a casino? It's, like, essentially, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

But it's so. It's so depressing, you know, like, Vegas, outside of, like, a casino. Like, when you go outside and you go to restaurants or. Or like. I had a boyfriend, Joe Coy, lived in Vegas, had a house in Vegas. And I was like, he's like, we're gonna spend time. And I'm like, listen, I'm not a tax evader. I don't need to live in Vegas. Okay.

[Brooke Schofield]

I think about it often.

[Tana Mongeau]

The realest shit I've ever heard. It is depressing, and it is dark. And I guess you learn to, like, exist. You become one with the darkness and the chaos and whatnot. And I. Yeah, I had to get out of there. I mean, I moved here, like, 10 years ago.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, you had to move here to get canceled.

[Tana Mongeau]

100%.

[Chelsea Handler]

To get canceled in Vegas.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

Cause everyone's just canceled. Everyone just has nothing going for them there.

[Chelsea Handler]

What is your background with being canceled? Because I know your podcast is called canceled, and I came here to get canceled, so I want to know what happened.

[Tana Mongeau]

God, Chelsea, that is such a hard question to answer, because I think I've never not been being canceled.

[Chelsea Handler]

Really.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's even similar to you. When you were kind of. You were talking about. You went on. I forget what it was a radio show, and you were talking about your X Man, and then he sent you the email. And it's just. I'm always just saying. And I don't know what the I'm saying, and I'm always getting in trouble for it, and I always have been. I mean, again, no one really raised me, and I started doing this very young, so I was kind of just like a banshee child on the Internet, putting it all out there, and it was just a matter of time before people were enraged, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Mission accomplished.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Brooke Schofield]

Have you ever properly been canceled?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't believe so, no.

[Brooke Schofield]

That is actually amazing, especially as a community.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know, I know.

[Brooke Schofield]

It's almost, like, impossible.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I mean, if my show, Chelsea lately were on now, I probably would have been canceled at some point, just because of our work environment. It was just ridiculous. Like, the things we did to each other. There was nudity. There was, like, people were. Everyone was. It was unhinged, and it was some of the most fun times of My life. But it was inappropriate. Like now you couldn't do those things in a workplace environment. Or maybe you could because Trump is back in office. Who knows? Maybe anything's possible now. Regressing, just re. Regress Back to like 1990.

[Tana Mongeau]

I would love to know what a day in the life on the set of Chelsea lately was like. Cause obviously we saw the madness on television every day, but I cannot believe.

[Brooke Schofield]

I was way too young to be consumed. I was just so excited every day.

[Chelsea Handler]

First I would come into the office, I would go to other people's computers that weren't at their desks and I would send emails to human resources from their desks complaining about different people in the office. I would say, this is Jonathan, you know, I'm coming out later today. I just want to let human resources know I'm going to do it on air. Da, da, da. And they'd be like, please do not come out on air. Like that's a private issue. It has nothing to do with the show they were called. We would just, I would, I would try to set up. There was one woman at hum. There was always like standards and practices that were always up our asses because they're like, you can't say pussy. You can't say. I'm like, just bleep me. Yeah, it's funny. And they'd be like, no, it's too far. Like you could say, you could say anal, but you couldn't point to the asshole when you said anal.

[Tana Mongeau]

The fact that you had to learn.

[Chelsea Handler]

All of these intricacies, arbitrary rules. So like we would just, just fuck with them. Because I'd be like, anal, anal, anal. And then they would call and be like, chelsea, we told you you can't say that. I'm like. And then I was dating once I started dating the head of the network, then he was getting involved and I was like, hey, don't even fuck with me. You know what I mean? I'm your girlfriend. Like you're not going to call me and bother me at work now. He's like, that's not fair. I work here, I'm your boss. And I'm like, not anymore.

[Tana Mongeau]

I didn't know this happened. Did you date him solely just so you could speak more freely about anal on an air?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I was attracted to him. He was older man and he ran a network. And my father was like, he was like the antithesis of my father. Like an older man who had his shit together and spotted talent and was like very taken by me, you know, And I liked that. Of course, I was young and I was very impressed by him and his togetherness and he was kind of just obsessed with me. And I, like, loved it, you know. And then of course, I was like, get the fuck away from me. Obviously.

[Tana Mongeau]

Your dating history is so amazing. Random. It is so. Yes. And I'm very much a random date or myself. It does. Oh, my God.

[Brooke Schofield]

Random to me.

[Tana Mongeau]

I feel like everything makes perfect joy in 50 Cent.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, but Andre the Pendulum Swing, it's like, I'll date Andre Balaj who's like, you know, Mr. Like Elon, who has elon. Elon, you know that word elan. Like, great charisma. Like, he's a hotelier and he's sophisticated. I mean, and then I would go date 50 Cent, you know what I mean? And then I would date someone. Like, I don't know who else did I like. Ted Harbert was like, that's the guy from E. He was like straight white business, you know, like just. Just so ridiculous. Like almost a caricature of like a 57 year old man. I was like 32, he was 57. And then the next person I dated was like, you know, like, I go from the one end of the pendulum to the next and they push you there. I feel like sometimes, like, yeah, sometimes I want that.

[Brooke Schofield]

Like, I really don't want that. So let me go completely opposite.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sometimes I'll date just some random guy for a few months who's got nothing going on. And like, they could even be broke, you know, but that gets old. Obviously too. I don't have a type. I just like a variety.

[Tana Mongeau]

Have you ever dated a woman?

[Chelsea Handler]

Not dated a woman.

[Tana Mongeau]

Just a lot of carpet munching moments.

[Chelsea Handler]

And stuff like that.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, but you don't, you don't munch.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't Not. Not typically.

[Tana Mongeau]

Have you munched?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I think I have.

[Tana Mongeau]

You tried it out?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

Not for you.

[Chelsea Handler]

In a threesome environment, you know, everybody's got to do their. Their bidding. But I'm not in my spare time. No, I'm not dying to go down on women, you know, I like, I like men, which is so funny.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's so funny how much you are sexually attracted to men, but then also hate them. Like, so is it a lot of hate fucking as well where you're like, I hate you.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't fuck the guys I hate. I don't hook up with men I don't like. And I don't hate men. I just. I'm disappointed, you know what I mean? They've become a little bit unfuckable. Not all of them, Many of them. So. But I find men who are on our team and are on women's side and do find, like, powerful women attractive. I can be friends with men like that and I can have sex with men like that. But a lot of men that think that they can handle independent, strong minded women really can't. They go into it thinking, I'm cool, I'm down, but then they somehow become emasculated at the idea that they can't give you what you already have. Like, I don't need you to buy me jewelry. I don't need you to even pay for things. I mean, it would be nice, you know, like, that's a nice aspect, but it's not a requirement. I don't need somebody who has money. But, but once men realize what they're like, that their contributions are limited to being a good person and decent and, like, fun.

[Brooke Schofield]

Can't do that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Then they're just like, wait, this doesn't feel like I'm contributing. Like, they, they, they become a little emasculated. So a lot of men have dated me and been like, I can handle you. And then they can't.

[Tana Mongeau]

And then do they try to change you? I just, I can't imagine a man having the balls to try to change Chelsea Handler. But I'm sure that you've experienced.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've had men try to change me.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. Which is crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I had a boyfriend told me who told me that he didn't think it was appropriate for me to be alone with men while we were together.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, come on.

[Chelsea Handler]

I wanted to be like, I'm sorry, have you met me? Like, have you read anything I've ever written or heard? Anything that I've said? Like, what year do you think I'm living in?

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah, we need realistic goals.

[Chelsea Handler]

So that was stupid.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And he was an idiot, you know, And I had to break up with him. You're very good at breaking up.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

I am good at it.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah. I was just listening to you in your book say, like, you know, a breakup doesn't define you. Like, there's worse things happening. I'm like, cannot relate. Like, it is the end of the world. I can't handle it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, as you get older, you will be able to handle it. That helps. Honestly, it's experience and wisdom. Like you, as you get older, you realize nobody fucking matters. You know what I mean? You can be in love with people, you can care about people, but if they're Taken away. You have enough resiliency and resources within all of us to deal with anything. And a breakup is like, do you know how many fucking men there are in this country alone? Like, 170, 75 million men. You can find another one. Like, I know there's too many, but you can find another one. And that's just this country we have. There's Chinese men, there's Indian men, there's. You know, you find one you're interested in. There are men everywhere. So, like, a breakup to me is just another exciting adventure. Like, I really. It's like an exciting. Because you're like, okay, what's next?

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. I look back at all the times I was like, there's no one else like him. I'm gonna kill myself. It's good. Yeah. Like, that's youth.

[Chelsea Handler]

You think that their life is over when something bad happens, career wise or, like, relationship wise. When you're in your youth and once you get older, you understand that everyone is, like, pretty much a number. It's unromantic, but it's kind of like.

[Brooke Schofield]

No, it's comforting is what it is.

[Tana Mongeau]

But it's amazing that you're able to possess that thought but then still be, like, open to love and, like, wanting it and you know what I mean?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, well, I'm open for business. You know what I mean? So, like, if that comes in love and I fall in love, great. But I'm not expecting to find myself soulmate or my partner. Like, that's not what I'm looking for. That's not. If I ran into that, I would be open to it, But I'm not setting out to be like, I want to be in. I'm going to be in a relationship by the end of the year. I love the way things are panning out for my life. Like, I like the randomness, I like the affairs, I like the excitement. I like a man and different, you know, men in different countries. One of. Some guy just called me right now, FaceTimed me one of my potential suitors. And I was like, oh, God, I can't wait to see you in Italy this summer. Like, how fun is that? Yeah. You know, like, that's what I wanted my life to be like. When I was a little girl, I wanted adventure, adventure, adventure. And to me, like, the idea of committing or, like an engagement or any talk of marriage to me has always represented the end of the party.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean? And I want the party to continue.

[Tana Mongeau]

Is your dream goal like an open relationship or just Sincerely, just different partners experiencing different things.

[Chelsea Handler]

I wouldn't mind just having, like, three recurring characters that are. That are. That I would be completely honest with. You know, like, you're in my life, he's in my life, and that guy's in my life. One like, you know, in Spain, one in Canada, and one in the States.

[Brooke Schofield]

I feel like that's reasonable.

[Tana Mongeau]

One for each of your homes.

[Brooke Schofield]

Like, you don't have to run into each other. Like.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, why not?

[Tana Mongeau]

It's not like the Cosby Show. It is like the shows. It's like a sitcom. You're recurring character.

[Brooke Schofield]

I don't know about mental show.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know. I don't think we can I show anymore. Well, it's getting canceled.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's been prevalent on my mind because, I don't know, finding that out about you that you were, like, obsessed with the Cosby show is so fucking funny to me. Cause it's just so unexpected.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love black comedy. Like, first of all, that was the best black family when I grew up. That was the first black family on television that represented. He was a doctor. He was a gynecologist. He had his own gynecologist practice in their basement.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Now we know why. But at the time, it was like, oh, my God, Theo and Vanessa and Rudy were so cool. I was this white girl, grew up in all white neighborhood. So to me, I was like, this is culture. This is fucking cool. And I wanted in on that family. I wanted to fuck Theo, my brother. I wanted to be their new sister. I wanted to have my friends Vanessa and Rudy. And then I wanted to have my father, Bill Cosby. And now I.

[Tana Mongeau]

And you never wanted to fuck Bill Cosby, Obviously. Pre.

[Chelsea Handler]

No. In my new standup special, I tell Bill Cosby story about him summoning me to his hotel room. My new standup special, I relay that story, and that was the last time I saw Bill Cosby. And guess what? He didn't roofie me.

[Tana Mongeau]

I mean, I just think it's so funny, though your point to it would have barely made a dent. Is so real.

[Chelsea Handler]

Have made a dent in me. No, I am a horse. You can't tranquilize me.

[Tana Mongeau]

What's a little ghb, Right? That's what a roofie is.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I believe I have been roofied once.

[Tana Mongeau]

Really?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I was.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. You're a woman.

[Chelsea Handler]

You're gorge on purpose. Well, yeah, by someone else. Oh, like I remember. But I.

[Brooke Schofield]

Some people do it to themselves on purpose.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, really?

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, that's something I would do. Too. But no, I haven't done that. No. I was riffied once because I was at a bar and I remember saying, this was years ago in Santa Monica and I remember saying to my friend like, I don't feel great and these guys are very weird and she's like, let's get out of here. And then I was out. And so we got out, like, you know.

[Tana Mongeau]

But you even just being able to.

[Chelsea Handler]

Say I don't feel great, I don't. This doesn't feel right. This is not the high I'm looking for.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah, I don't remember it like that.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, and I know because I've done all drugs. I know what's gonna hit, when it's gonna hit, how it's gonna hit, and I can navigate, you know.

[Tana Mongeau]

What's your favorite?

[Chelsea Handler]

Mdma.

[Brooke Schofield]

See, really inspired me because like, I feel like I'm afraid of drugs a little bit because of bad experience I've had. But I'm like, fuck, I haven't tried lsd. And now I'm reading all about it in the book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Lsd, LSD is like my favorite because so in Canada all of these things are legal, right? And like you and people use like they microd all of like there's a lot more openness and legal legalization of like microdosing in Canada. And a lot of my friends are in this business, they're doctors, they're therapists. So they get the best stuff when they get molly. They, they order the molly, then they like parse it up like in their house, in their kitchen and they put in capsules and they put in a microdose, like 50 milligrams or 100 milligrams, which is completely manageable. You're not going woo woo wa wa. You're like, okay, maybe I'll take four or maybe I'll take one.

[Tana Mongeau]

They get their moon rocks from the moon moon. That's. It's funny too because I always wonder, I'm like, who's her plug? Who's Chelsea Handler's drug dealer?

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, a lot of people are asking me and I don't want to give that kind of credit to one person until I start getting a better deal.

[Brooke Schofield]

Of course I feel like maybe that's where I went wrong. I was getting it. I like the frat. So I was going woo wawa.

[Chelsea Handler]

Uh huh, yeah, yeah, right. But molly, MDMA is great. LSD microdose I think is great for like any sort of outside experience, nature. Everything lights up a little bit more and you don't get out. You don't get out of control either. It just kind of heightens whatever experience you're in. But none of the drugs that I do anymore are like. Like, you're not. You know, I mean, I don't like that. I want to be in, like, coherent, and I want to remember.

[Tana Mongeau]

But saying that you want to be coherent but you love LSD is so crazy. For me, at least I only ever really did, like, dirty vagus acid. So maybe that's why. Maybe I've never tried, like, some pure shit, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Some really pure shit. Yeah, I'll give you some pure shit. I promise you. This is all very good. I buy this sheet every year and it's got 363 hits. And I give it out to people all year long. I just hand it out. I'm like, here, try this. Try this. Everyone is like, oh, my God. Home run. My friends took it. We went to the Taylor Swift concert in Vancouver, and my friends took it, and they were like, oh, my God, that was the best concert we've ever seen. That was my first Taylor Swift concert I had never seen. And. And I was like, how would you rate that to the other ones? And, like, this one felt like a spiritual experience. And I'm like, yeah, duh, that's the lsd.

[Tana Mongeau]

Fuck the friendship bracelets. Chelsea Handler is at the Eras tour handing out acid lsd.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes, exactly.

[Brooke Schofield]

I feel like half the battle's, like, trusting where it came from. If you gave me a drug, I'd be like, this is perfect. Amazing.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, that's true. But, God, if I scare you now, which obviously I do, I just can't imagine the way I would scare you on lsd.

[Chelsea Handler]

Don't scare me. You don't scare me. I appreciate you. I appreciate that. You're such a big fan, and I. I really. You don't scare me at all. I think it's very sweet, and I was so excited to meet you.

[Tana Mongeau]

That is so nice, the way she's talking to me like I'm a make a wish with, like, three hours left to live in a disability. And it's so real. Like, it's really nice to meet you, sweetie. Thank you.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then I pet you on your head.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes. And I thank you for that because you really could be like, bitch, you were so weird. The 19 videos after the plane experience. But it's just wild. I don't know. It was just so crazy. I felt like I would never. That God almost was gonna keep me away from you for your sake, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

I felt that way about people. Like, I had. Oh, God. There was somebody I had such a bad experience with that I hoped I would never, ever see again. And then I saw that person, like, immediately. And I felt so sorry that they had to deal with me. So I can relate to what you're saying. I was like, oh, God. But, like, from your perspective, you know what I mean? That's not my perspective about you, because why would it be? But when I did that to someone, and I remember, like, embarrassing myself in front of someone and seeing them, I remember feeling that, like, please, I don't want you to have to deal with me. Like, I'm sorry that you see my face.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I really did have to sedate myself today so that I would act accordingly.

[Chelsea Handler]

What did you take to sedate yourself?

[Tana Mongeau]

I took a little bit of a Xanax.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you're just up and, like, if I take a Xanax, I'm in bed.

[Tana Mongeau]

I weirdly think I could do anything on Xanax, which is, like, horrifying. A little horrifying.

[Chelsea Handler]

Xanax is. I gotta say. Shout out to Xanax. I love Xanax. I love Xanax and so much. And. Yeah. And you can only. I can only get my prescription filled every 30 days, which is so annoying. I know. It's really annoying.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, I start using other people. I, like, make them pick it up.

[Chelsea Handler]

A different pharmacist, too.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's a whole thing.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then you're like, I'm. Obviously. I'm a drug addict. If I have two different pharmacies.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay.

[Tana Mongeau]

Then I go through that a lot. I do.

[Brooke Schofield]

But I go to the pharmacia in Mexico. That's where my Xanax comes from.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, they have the best Viagra, too. You should try that.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, I have.

[Tana Mongeau]

Have you ever taken Viagra as a woman?

[Chelsea Handler]

No.

[Tana Mongeau]

I feel like it would do. What does it, like, give you as a woman? Like, big clip.

[Brooke Schofield]

It's supposed to be. My old roommates used to take it. They, like, intentionally took Viagra as women, and they said it was, like, similar to ecstasy. Like, you're just super touchy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, really? Yes. What, male Viagra or female Viagra?

[Brooke Schofield]

I think there's only male Viagra, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I think women have some sort of version of it.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, no, it was male, like. Like, Viagra. Viagra.

[Chelsea Handler]

And it made you that way.

[Brooke Schofield]

I. I didn't take it. My roommates did.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, interesting. Interesting.

[Brooke Schofield]

That's a whole thing they used to do for fun. So it's.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's the whole. Yeah. Basket of drugs I'm missing.

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, yeah, truly. I just felt like I had to sedate myself today. I was like, I don't ever really depersonalize either. But I was, I was telling Brooke I was in my backyard and I was finishing up the book and I like, looked at my hands and I was like, these are so weird. Like these five fingers. And I started to just get all weird about my hands. And I was like, I should take drugs before I see her. No.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I'm going, whatever drugs you need to take.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes, 100. And I knew you'd appreciate it. Of course, you know, so I personally.

[Brooke Schofield]

Pre gamed, but I heard you say, like, if you're nervous or something, it means you care about something.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's true.

[Chelsea Handler]

Someone told me that. My therapist told me that a long time ago. And I like, I love that advice because I used to get really nervous, like randomly. You know, I go on stage all the time, so it's like not knowing when it's going to hit you would be annoying. And then I'd be like, wait, why am I nervous? I've been doing this for like 15 years and all of a sudden I'd have like a nervous stretch.

[Tana Mongeau]

That happens to me.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then my psychiatrist at the time, or psychologist I think he is, said he was like, you know, that means you care. And I was like, oh, that's a nice way to reframe being nervous.

[Brooke Schofield]

I have a question. You said when you walked in that I can't remember if it was on camera or not, but that you didn't have anxiety. Do you feel like you, like, were you, when you started doing standup and stuff, like, were you anxious at all or were you just like.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think that like the definition of anxiety, like, like eclipsed me. Like, I didn't understand that anxiety is pretty much all of those feel. Anxiety is like dreading something that's happening, right? You know, like you like. I would have sets in the early parts of my career and it was like all day long. I'd be like, oh, God. I don't, like, I just didn't want to, like have to perform that late at night. You know, if my set was at 1050, I'd be like, oh, God.

[Brooke Schofield]

But I feel like that's different.

[Tana Mongeau]

But it's scary when you're doing it at night though. You get delirious and you just start saying shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

And also you like, you're trying to remain sober and stay up till 10:50. You're like, I can't but that, like, I thought, is that anxiety? And it's like, not really. Like, I don't have anxiety in the sense of the word, but I've had. Had situations that made me anxious.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

But I don't have anxiety, like, as a. Like a pathology.

[Brooke Schofield]

What a blessing.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know. I think it's your generation. Like, it started with social media. It creates anxiety. It does. It creates anxiety. If you're on your phone scrolling all day, you're going to become anxious too. Like, that's just a natural because you're comparing and thinking about what other people are doing. You're jealous. You did you get insecure. Like, all of the. The things that the phone does is make us a little bit crazier and more unsightful.

[Tana Mongeau]

I agree.

[Chelsea Handler]

I 100% agree. I mean, whenever people take a break from social media and talk about how happy they are, I'm like, wow, that sounds great. I would love to do that. And there's no reason I couldn't. But I'm like, I just don't feel like I have a problem. You know what I mean? Like, many things in my life that I don't believe I have a problem with. This is another one.

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, you just handle things so well. Truly. Like, on paper, I guess, how much you drink, I guess someone would say is alcoholism, but, like, not when you're Chelsea fucking Handler. Like, you know, you just.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean. I mean, I keep my together, but I definitely have. I've had moments where my shit has not been together. So that, you know.

[Tana Mongeau]

How do you navigate that? Because, see, I could never get that one down with the alcohol. Right? Like, it was like, I'm gonna ruin my life if I keep getting hammered like this. And I could never. I don't have balance, though. I'm very yin or yang as a person.

[Chelsea Handler]

What are you. What's your sign?

[Tana Mongeau]

A can. Cancer.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, there you go.

[Tana Mongeau]

Cool.

[Brooke Schofield]

What's your sign?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yang. Hi. Pisces.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, Pisces.

[Chelsea Handler]

Isn't that what cancer is like?

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, I'm very all in or all out. I'm very emotionally attached.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cancer. My niece is a cancer. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I believe in these signs, this Western astrology. It seems a little modern.

[Tana Mongeau]

I agree.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a little bit like Mormonism, you know? Too, too, too. Like, like, recent. I want old from, like, Egypt. Egypt. I want a steering astrology. I want people to tell me what planet I was born into and what's in my anus and what isn't, you know? I don't believe in like I'm a Pisces. I don't know what that means. I don't know what a rising sign means. I don't buy all of that. Western astrology.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. I used to only pretend to care when I wanted to someone and they were into that, you know, I believe.

[Chelsea Handler]

When it benefits you. If a guy's a straight man is into astrology, he's not straight.

[Brooke Schofield]

He's not.

[Chelsea Handler]

And he's not straight 100 or he belongs on a farm, you know, or like a big sir type situation.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. It's all. And the burning Man.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, Burning man. Also.

[Tana Mongeau]

I love that you hate that Burning.

[Chelsea Handler]

Man and pickleball are my two least favorite topics to discuss.

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, how do you feel about cyber trucks?

[Chelsea Handler]

Cyber. Same thing as I do. About the same way I feel about pickleball.

[Tana Mongeau]

I feel like if you put that in a Venn diagram, though, there'd be a big crossover. Like people who enjoy one of those things usually enjoy all of them.

[Chelsea Handler]

I agree with you. I think that's absolutely right. Cyber trucks are so ugly and so. But now everyone's vandalizing Teslas. So. Yeah. I mean, hopefully we don't have to see those much more.

[Tana Mongeau]

I would love that. I really would. I don't know why I hate a cybertruck.

[Chelsea Handler]

I returned my Tesla.

[Tana Mongeau]

Did you? Good for you.

[Chelsea Handler]

A different electric car.

[Tana Mongeau]

I didn't even know you could return a Tesla.

[Brooke Schofield]

People are putting like Hyundai on the.

[Chelsea Handler]

Back because like, obviously people, yeah, my sister has her Tesla. I'm like, you better get rid of that because there's another electric car that's giving you like 15 grand if you trade in your Tesla. Tesla. And then so you get 15 grand incentivization to get a different car.

[Tana Mongeau]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't think it's as nice as a Tesla because my nephew had it and he has no money. So. But whatever, there are other cars out there. So I suggest everyone get a different car.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm still on gas cars.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, really?

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

I don't drive.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't drive? What do you do? Rollerblade?

[Tana Mongeau]

I mean, no, honestly, anything with wheels. I think I should always have feet flat on the ground. I'm not really. I'm not really able bodied. I'm closer to disabled. I think.

[Brooke Schofield]

I think she doesn't have her license yet, but she's getting ready for her.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's even crazy. I'm not getting ready. She's lying for me. And that's what a good friend does. You know, she wants Me to not look as.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right. Right.

[Tana Mongeau]

Cause, yeah, to you, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

But I would just want to say, if you were ever to drive, LA is the easiest place to find your way around. Cause it's one big grid. Everything is parallel, like. And from here, from the Valley to Beverly Hills and beyond, it's all just one grid. It's all north and south, east and west, like, everything.

[Brooke Schofield]

Same with Vegas.

[Tana Mongeau]

Bold of you to assume. I know north, east, south and west.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm gonna get you a compass.

[Tana Mongeau]

Thank you.

[Chelsea Handler]

And once you see it, when I move to la, like, I can't. I have no sense of direction. Mostly because I'm not, you know, really paying attention. Why would I. You know, there's navigation and. But, like, when I moved to LA, there wasn't all that stuff. I moved here in 1993, the year that Al Gore invented the Internet. I think that was. 94. Yeah, 94. But I had. They had this, like, Thomas guide, and you had to use that to get around. And I was, like, auditioning and stuff. I got. Every fucking day. I didn't know where I was going and I had no sense of direction. And then someone just showed me a giant grid of the map of LA and that, like, every street runs parallel, like La Cienega, Robertson. You know, it goes Doheny. And I was like, oh. Then I just.

[Brooke Schofield]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

And now I never have a problem getting anywhere. You look, if you see the mountains, you're going that way. See mountains, you're going the opposite way.

[Tana Mongeau]

When you explain it that way, it's like, damn, maybe I could. I mean, obviously, it's also just you explaining it. So I'm like, of course I can do it.

[Chelsea Handler]

I can learn.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm very adhd, though. I'm very squirrel. I'm very.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I just. I don't want to kill people. People I love or strangers probably shouldn't be driving. Yeah. I just. I don't know. I don't know. When they were thinking about, you know.

[Brooke Schofield]

I was going to say, she's bought, like, 11 cars and she's never driven one.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, my God.

[Tana Mongeau]

I like to give people cars.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's nice. I've done that.

[Brooke Schofield]

She gave me a car.

[Chelsea Handler]

Nice. What kind of car did you get?

[Brooke Schofield]

A Bronco.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's so nice. I love that. I know.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm like, glad she doesn't drive because she would have had to buy it for. For herself.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

I mean, it's a beautiful car. And I can't. I. I would much. I'm a passenger princess at Heart. Okay. I like to click clack on the phone. I'm vaping away. I don't know where I am usually. Like, it's, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Are you usually besides Vegas in here?

[Tana Mongeau]

Nowhere. No, I try to leave la. My boyfriend is from Hawaii. He lives in Hawaii, so I go there.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hawaiian?

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, really?

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, and Brazilian and a lot of other things, but yeah, so I like to go there.

[Chelsea Handler]

And how long have you been with your boy?

[Tana Mongeau]

From a year and three months.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, well, who's counting?

[Tana Mongeau]

Me. Yeah. Because this is a very different territory for me, I think, because I was.

[Chelsea Handler]

Getting serious in a serious relationship.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. And I just always was like a violent whore, you know, just violent and a. You know, like just crazy. And I'm. He's reforming me. I'm. I'm reforming myself. This is the first time I've ever really taken something seriously.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, wow.

[Tana Mongeau]

Or been with someone who wasn't awful. I hate to say that I. To all my exes in the world, but.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Well, it's good to break those patterns.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

As a woman, you know, you don't want to have to keep making the same mistake twice. You know, I don't want to go to summer school. I want to go to Mallorca. So I like to make my first experience with everything, my last experience if it's not positive.

[Tana Mongeau]

God, that's amazing.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over again. I'm here to learn all the lessons. So, like, once I get one, like, it's like when you get rid of, like, you know, like, bad relationships in your life, it's like you elevate yourself to a higher set of standards and then there's another level that you can get to and then another level. So, like, I think at life like that, like, let's keep getting higher and let's keep setting the standards higher, because then what you attract is higher, higher.

[Tana Mongeau]

And that's the way to look at life. I feel like I dated the same caliber of person in a different skin suit.

[Chelsea Handler]

Exactly.

[Tana Mongeau]

You know, like many of us do.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's very typical. So to break that pattern, to be a cycle breaker is what it's called, is really important not only for you, but for all people around you and all the women around you. You know, it's good to. Like, sometimes when I'm breaking up with someone, I'm like, I'm just doing this for all women, you know, like, this is a new visual for any women I. Any woman. I'm gonna do it. Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

I Feel like I finally did break the cycle in that sense. And, like, it sounds like you did. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you have a solid relationship for a year and three months. That sounds solid and steady.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's good. Honestly, it's good. I'm giving it my all. I mean, before that, I truly was only attracted to people with, like, face tattoos, lack of parents, people who look like they eat cigarettes, people who don't respect.

[Chelsea Handler]

Dated anyone with a neck tattoo?

[Tana Mongeau]

Of course.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

So many. And that's just to do that. You have to be a different.

[Chelsea Handler]

A different.

[Tana Mongeau]

Just to feel that pain to. And they weren't even good neck tattoos. That's the thing, is I was liking the people who wanted, like, misspelled words across.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right.

[Brooke Schofield]

No regrets.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

Very. No regrets. Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wow. Interesting.

[Tana Mongeau]

I finally went very outside of my natural type and obviously found a decent person and, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

And what about you? What's your situation?

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm in a relationship, too. No neck tattoos, but it's newer than hers. It's like eight months.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, but. But you're into him.

[Tana Mongeau]

And now we have no podcast topics.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know we're in an era right.

[Brooke Schofield]

Now where it's, like, almost, like, bad, because, I mean, we made this whole situation out of, like, talking about horrible things we're doing and that are being done to us. And now we're like. Like, he made dinner last night.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right. That's the way it goes.

[Tana Mongeau]

Did you struggle with that, Chelsea?

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, making. I do. I continue to struggle with.

[Tana Mongeau]

Just in eras of your. Well, I guess you always find a way. That's why you are who you are, and you're the woman that you are. You always find a way to write about anything that's happening in your life and make material out of it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did I struggle with what?

[Tana Mongeau]

Like, have you ever had just lulls in topics or lulls in inspiration? Like, where do you find this is good?

[Chelsea Handler]

Because this is important for everyone to hear. And this is. I think I read this today, and I feel this way. There are seasons of planting and seasons of harvesting. Like, truly, you're not supposed to be creative all year long. You have periods where you have bursts of creativity. Right. Where you have bursts of inspiration, and you're like, okay, I wanna work, and da, da, da. And then there's periods of time where you have to go have those experiences so you fucking have something to talk about. So I find that, like, the time off is as important as the time on. So I take my vacations very serious because those are the experiences that end up giving me the most material and the most stuff to, like, reflect on. And also, what's the point of working so hard unless you're gonna enjoy your fucking money?

[Tana Mongeau]

That's true.

[Chelsea Handler]

And share it. And sharing it and bringing people along with you to me is like the greatest gift you can give anybody, you know, to be able to be like, I'm taking all my friends to wherever.

[Tana Mongeau]

I couldn't agree more.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, that's the best feeling.

[Tana Mongeau]

It is. And you always. You go out of the comfort zone too. Like, I'm always doing that. I'm like, oh, I'll take the friends to Cabo for the 97th time. But like, the fact that at one point you were just like, we're going to go to Uganda for not no reason, but you know what I mean? Just for the of it. And like, you're just very good at getting out of your comfort zone as well.

[Chelsea Handler]

Going to Antarctica this year, you're excited about that? Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, how exciting. What are you going for?

[Chelsea Handler]

This big. This group goes on these trips. This. This, like, this group plans this trips. And I met them. I was going to south by Southwest, like last week, and I hopped on, I got a plane ride with some people and they were like, oh, we just got back from Egypt. We rode down the River Nile. It was like this crazy trip. I'm like, what kind of trip? And they're like, we're doing one in Patagonia and we go to Antarctica. And I was like, oh, I would like in on that. Like, if it's like, where is Patagonia? Patagonia's in, like, the southernmost part of South America. And that's like, where. Right where. Like Argentina. Beyond there. That's where you go to go to Antarctica, like beyond, like, Chile, like, go down to the southernmost tip. And then you go and you see all the icebergs and you see all the penguins. And you see. I think they have polar bears right in the south. Is that the north? No, no, you see polar bears. Anyway, it's gonna be gone soon. So it's all ice, so it's like really cool to see. And it's like an archeological expedition. But I've always wanted to go to Antarctica. Anyway, a guy from the company, I was like, call me. I wanna come on this trip and I'm gonna bring a couple people. And then he called me and I was like, listen, do you want me to do anything on this trip? Like, in exchange for the trip, you know, like, I can talk, I do stand up, or I can be interviewed. And he's like, why don't we just interview you one night at the end of the trip? And I was like, great, can my friends come for free? And, like, you know, I'll pay for my thing. And he's like, yeah, definitely. So I'm like, great.

[Tana Mongeau]

I really thought you were gonna say, can I suck your dick? Or something.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I would never say, can I suck your dick? To anyone. Why would I?

[Brooke Schofield]

I mean, I don't think you have to.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Is what that is. Yeah. Can I suck your dick?

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, I've said that. And I should kill myself.

[Chelsea Handler]

And has anybody said, no?

[Tana Mongeau]

I don't think so.

[Brooke Schofield]

I hope not.

[Chelsea Handler]

So it's kind of a rhetorical question. Yeah, I guess that's really ready to suck dick. I think everybody's gonna be open to it. You know what guy is gonna be like, no, you can't suck my dick. You know, I just don't know why.

[Tana Mongeau]

I immediately went into sexual favor in my head versus, like, an interview for Antarctica too. Like, maybe just.

[Chelsea Handler]

That would be hard.

[Tana Mongeau]

They do. They do.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know that. Tana.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's so funny because my name is Tana. Like, my parents, like a. Is Tana like Lana? You know what I mean? But what about, like. Oh, no, but my parents just didn't know phonics, you know, and bless their.

[Chelsea Handler]

Heart, you have brothers and sisters. Oh, so you don't have any other names to compare and contrast to?

[Tana Mongeau]

No, no, no, no, I don't. I was born an only child. My best friend's family ended up taking me in.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, they did?

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, did you have a bad childhood? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. But, I mean, I wouldn't change it, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, I mean, listen, bad childhoods is what makes us, like, salty and resilient. And so I. I love salty and resilient. And being from. I'm from New Jersey, so I am salty. Like, everyone from New Jersey is salty.

[Tana Mongeau]

But I love an east coast bitch.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, me too. And I love being from New Jersey. It's better than going there, you know? Like. Like I'm headed there in life, you know? Like moving to New Jersey as an adult. Like. Like that there's. That's not a cool thing to say. I'm moving to New Jersey. But being from New Jersey is a better. You know, I'm from New Jersey, so people know. Oh, she's gonna be a little bit tougher.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yes. But I love that. I always say that. I feel like people from Vegas resemble the same things as people from the East Coast. Like just that being more brash and being more. Yeah. Gritty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is just. But I mean. Yeah. With the childhood. I don't know, I guess I wouldn't change it. You know, it's like you always talk about how like you kind of knowing that your parents, you know, knowing you were smarter than your parents from a very young age shaped who you were as an individual across your life and resonate with that so much, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I mean, I. I don't know that I was smarter than my parents. I was more ambitious than my parents. I was more ambitious. I knew what I wanted and I was going to get it. And anyone who got in my way was gonna get tossed to the side.

[Brooke Schofield]

Absolutely.

[Tana Mongeau]

Were you literally like that as a five year old?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

So do you think it. You were truly just born like, that?

[Chelsea Handler]

I was born with, like, I was like, oh, I felt like a celebrity when I was born and I was like, what is this welcoming? Like, this is not appropriate or commensurate to the way I felt about myself. I had high self esteem at a very early age. I valued my opinion. I thought I had a lot to say and I thought people should respect me. And even when I was a baby, I felt like I was trapped in a baby's body and that I was a woman and I wanted to start my life and split ties with these people that said they were my family. They are not on the same page as me. Like, I wanted to have a housekeeper. I wanted to have multiple homes and residences. I wanted to travel the world and I was like, these people will just bring me down.

[Brooke Schofield]

Talk about manifestations.

[Tana Mongeau]

I couldn't agree more totally.

[Chelsea Handler]

But never ever was there a moment in my life where I was like, I was unequivocally set. Like I knew exactly what I was gonna do. There was never a question like, maybe I'll become a teacher or an accountant or There just wasn't like, I can't do anything else so. But talk and entertain and like inspire and support, you know, like, those are the things I'm good at. So once you find out what you're good at, you kind of have to run with that. That. And it's just like what you're saying, like this whole career that you've built for yourself and getting into trouble and not really being canceled. You know, you joke about being canceled and you may have felt canceled at times, but this is what you're good at. And once you get good at what you're good at, then nobody can stop.

[Brooke Schofield]

They honestly needed that. I feel like I'm so.

[Tana Mongeau]

I. I almost cried. And I'm holding back my tears because I'm not crying in front of. Of Chelsea Handler right now. But it is so crazy that you are sitting across from me saying that to me right now. And I never really give myself time to feel accomplished. And today feels like one of the greatest days of my life. This is all I could have ever wanted. I. I just idolize you so much, and I don't idolize anyone else in the way that I idolize you. Like, you are just so outspoken and so powerful, and you always have been. And it's in just a world where people want nothing more than women like us to shut the fuck up. You never have for even a second. And if I could even be a sliver like the woman that you are, I would truly feel so accomplished in my life. And I can't believe you were just saying that to me. It's.

[Chelsea Handler]

Life is. I know, but where you are now, life is wild. I mean, how. I mean, you're right. That's awesome. Look what you've accomplished.

[Tana Mongeau]

Thank you so much, Chelsea Handler.

[Chelsea Handler]

Look at that. It's awesome for both of you. It means more, and you shouldn't enjoy yourself. Like, I understand what you're saying, like, about. I want to say something about that. Like, I think it's really important for all of us to always a Remind ourselves of our value, remind of ourselves of how far we've come, because you get lost in this and you get lost in the shuffle, and especially when you're in this industry, it's always like. It can feel like a rat race, but you have to think about where you came from, what your story is and how you got here today and remind yourself of the power that lies within you.

[Tana Mongeau]

You're so right. I feel like I am finally in this era of my life where I'm prioritizing, taking the time to stop and slow down and be proud of myself and see all that I've accomplished and whatnot. And it is. It's wild because you battle with that. I think at first it's like, no, I have to keep going. And I don't know. Fear has always been my biggest motivator. You know, fear that this could all go away, or fear that I'm not good enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not whatever. But there. There is a point where it's like. Like, wow, look at all the things, I guess.

[Chelsea Handler]

And also reflection, like, reflecting back to the Childhood version of yourself, reflecting back to who you were when you were 15 or 16, thinking about all of the growth and all of the learnings and like everything that you've done. Like, there's a lot to be proud of. You know, you're the reason you're here, you're the reason you got yourself here. You're the reason you're gonna get yourself through the next five, 10, 15 years and all, all of the upcoming accomplishments. So it's very important for women to really think about that, think about all of the things you've done.

[Tana Mongeau]

I feel like that's kind of a lot of what your new book is as well. And it's cool how much just to hear you, I don't know, talking in this book about your new life and just all the reflection and the therapy and everything. I swear I started reading this book and in like the first chapter, first or second chapter, you start talking about sunshine and rainbows. And I was like, where is Chelsea Handler? Like, like, this is. You're almost in this. Like, you're more positive than ever and more self reflective than ever and more. The gratitude as well. I feel like that was one of my biggest takeaways from this book. Like reading your pages where you were writing the things that you're grateful for each day and putting those in the book, I think was such a cool power move, by the way, was just like, it inspired me so much. I was like, holy, that's so cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, when I came to LA and people talked about fucking gratitude, attitude and yoga, you know, chakras, I was.

[Tana Mongeau]

Like, oh, come on, shut the fuck up.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then you get to an age where you're like, okay, well wait, this isn't working. I'm a fucking angry. What's wrong with me? And then you realize, like, the more I read about energy and gratitude and like the vibe you're putting out is the vibe you're gonna get back. And when you really intentionally try to be a happy, optimistic, positive person, the things that come your way, way are endless. And the things that match that energy are endless. And the same goes for being in a shitty mood all the time or being negative all the time, then that's what you get. You get negativity. You get things that don't go your way. When you focus on being a victim or you got fucked over by this person or that person, it's all bullshit. Like, move on. You're strong enough to move past that. And when you do focus on the positive, the more you get so that's why I'm positive, because I'm manipulating the universe. I'm like, bring it on. I love it. I love more and more.

[Tana Mongeau]

You're so right. That's really what it is, is manipulating. Gaslighting.

[Chelsea Handler]

Want me to write a gratitude list? No problem. I'm grateful. I love drugs. Thank you for them. I love my dog. Thank you for my dog. I love my house. Thank you for my house.

[Brooke Schofield]

I liked it, though.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's so real. It is. I, as someone who has been a very pessimistic a lot of my life.

[Chelsea Handler]

I was like that for many years. I was always like, sarcast. I mean, I'm still sarcastic. I'm never going to wash that out.

[Tana Mongeau]

We know, but.

[Chelsea Handler]

But I mean, why not be like, bouncy and full of joy? You know what I mean? The world's just fucking. We're all gonna die. So I want to be in a good mood. So when I cross over, I get collected by the right people.

[Brooke Schofield]

Right. I feel like I struggle a lot with, like, self awareness in my adulthood, and I feel like I should be a little further along than I am. So I feel like your book was, like, a good takeaway. I'm like, listening. I'm like, she's going to therapy now. She's learning now. Like, I have time.

[Tana Mongeau]

You definitely have time.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, yeah, you do have time. How old are you girls?

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm 26.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, my.

[Brooke Schofield]

20.

[Chelsea Handler]

20. Oh, yes. So this is a perfect conversation to be having because I've been where you are, and you have 22, 20. You have 22, 24 years to get where I'm going. You know where I am right now. So, like, you already are ahead of the curve. You know, you're already having these conversations. I wasn't having these conversations at 26 years old.

[Tana Mongeau]

You're right. And I do. I do appreciate hearing that. I guess sometimes it's almost like how you talk about yourself as a baby. You knew you were an adult. I feel like I'm trapped in an 80. Like, I. I feel 80 sometimes just with the lives that I've lived, you know? And I have to remember that, like, I'm not 80 and I don't know everything and I haven't been through all that there is to go through, and you know what I mean?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

How do you feel about vaping?

[Chelsea Handler]

I have no problem with it.

[Tana Mongeau]

I was prepared today to wait until you left the building to vape around you because I could just see you being like, hey, stop that.

[Chelsea Handler]

I would never stop that.

[Tana Mongeau]

Okay, I'm going to hit my vape, please. All right.

[Chelsea Handler]

Is that a. Is that a marijuana vape or cannabis? I mean, no nicotine.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I'm a slave to this embarrassing little battery with stars on the side.

[Chelsea Handler]

That isn't the best look, but go for it.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's the worst.

[Chelsea Handler]

Gotta do you, right?

[Tana Mongeau]

Do you? You don't. You got hypnotized to stop smoking?

[Chelsea Handler]

I did. Sometimes I have a cigarette, though.

[Tana Mongeau]

And that worked?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it worked for 10 years. And then I was like, well, that worked. Now I can smoke again.

[Brooke Schofield]

Have you used hypnotist? You know what I'm trying to say. For anything else?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes. I wasn't. I did use it for something. Something else. What else did I use it for?

[Tana Mongeau]

Aren't you scared they're doing weird to you while you're under?

[Brooke Schofield]

I don't mind.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's not like that. You're like. You're awake, you know what's happening, but you're just really subdued. Yes. It's not like you're out of it and then you're all of a sudden your legs are in stirrups.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's what I think.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm like, a little bit of a skeptic, but so many people have, like, told me amazing things about it. I'm like, wait, maybe I should try.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it does work. It worked for me. I quit smoking for 10 years, and then I was in Europe with my. And they were smoking, and I was like, well, I guess you can't get cancer in Europe at all. So I had a cigarette with them, and then I kind of. Now when I'm in Europe, I. I'll smoke a little here and there, but, you know, I'm 50 years old.

[Tana Mongeau]

I can't camp over there, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, once. Once in a while, a cigarette is exactly what I need. It's fucking fun to smoke.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. There's not much you can replace it with.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sucks because, you know, it's so bad for you, but.

[Tana Mongeau]

So this guy puts you half under.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

You're kind of. It's giving laughing gas. You're kind of subdued, but you're still there.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's more of a mental state. He counts. He tells you how gross you are for smoking. Basically berates you for like 30 minutes. And he's like, you know what you're putting into your lungs every time you take a hit off a cigarette and you're like, wow, God, it sounds like I'm a coal miner. You know, it's bad stuff. And then he. And you go, three Times. And on the third time is when you quit. Not the first time, not the second time. You do one once a week for three weeks. And on the third time, he goes, okay, you'll never smoke again. And on my last thing, his name is Carrie Gaynor. And then the last time he's in Santa Monica, he. And the last time I went. He was like, you'll never smoke again. And I said, okay, I'm going out tonight with my friends. And they smoke. Like, what do I do when they smoke? Should I not go out with them? And he's like, no, you go out with them, it will feel. It will be as if you've never smoked a day in your life. And I went out and that's exactly what happened. And I didn't smoke a cigarette for 10 years.

[Brooke Schofield]

That's the crazy thing.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm doing it. I watched the scary movie where the guy hypnotizes and then he hurt. She's in stirrups, you know, and he does all the things and it scared me so bad. I mean, men are scary, but.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, that is. I mean, yeah, but I wouldn't go into a hypnosis session, assuming I'm going to get R Ped.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, I should know. What?

[Chelsea Handler]

I just seems a little slightly alarmist.

[Tana Mongeau]

I should re. Approach my.

[Chelsea Handler]

Or bring a friend, you know, like.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah, go with Groupon.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, I guess that's true. It is so true. Did you see that there was a girl who got her wisdom teeth out and she.

[Brooke Schofield]

With a Groupon.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, I mean, she came out. I shouldn't even be talking about this. She came out of the wisdom tooth surgery and she was celibate. And then she ended up being pregnant nine months later.

[Chelsea Handler]

Dentists do this a lot. I heard this. There was like a 2020 episode or Dateline something years ago where they showed this girl who was taken advantage of or raped at the dentist office. And she went back and. And knew she had been. So she went back again and videoed it. So she got twice to videotape it. And in the dentist's office there are stirrups. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

[Brooke Schofield]

Why would there.

[Chelsea Handler]

What dentist has stirrups?

[Tana Mongeau]

Like, that's wild.

[Chelsea Handler]

That doesn't happen. And also voluntarily going back to do it again just to get the video footage. I don't. Nothing.

[Tana Mongeau]

Why is that something I would do?

[Brooke Schofield]

It's pretty crazy. But then I'm thinking about it and I'm like, maybe she saved somebody in the future. But, like, you had to get the video.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. That's. Why do I feel like that's something I would do.

[Chelsea Handler]

And don't get. Put it down or put out. Don't get put down. Out either. But don't get put out. Out at a dentist's office.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, that's why.

[Chelsea Handler]

A little too far. Like, you get laughing gas. You don't need to be put under for any sort of dental work.

[Tana Mongeau]

I know.

[Chelsea Handler]

And if you do, then you should be in a surgical center, not a dental office.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. You're 100.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I only see female dentists after I saw that on 2020 or whatever. Dateline. Yeah, you're years ago. Like, 20 years ago. You guys were six years old.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, four years old. I am too, like, hyper vigilant of always. Like, an Uber driver offers me a water, and I'm like, best. And it's like, I don't need to.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm the opposite. I have blind trust in everybody. Somebody could approach me, like, in the middle of the street.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm like, whatever.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm kind of like that too. I don't think any out to get me, but no one's gonna hurt. People always bring me drugs at my shows. People always handing me edibles or brownies. And my, you know, whoever's with me is like, okay, let's get rid of all this stuff. I'm like, no, no. And my fans aren't trying to poison me.

[Tana Mongeau]

So you do fan drugs.

[Brooke Schofield]

Yeah, see, she's exactly the opposite. But I feel like you've had enough bad experiences where, like, it's warranted to me. I'm like, I will eat anything. I'll try anything. I trust everyone.

[Tana Mongeau]

A fan could bring me a closed bag of hot Cheetos. And I'm like, they are gonna drug me, you know? And it's like, they love you. No, they're not. Like, it's too much paranoia. I'm serious. I am, like, paranoid as a person.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I'm not. I don't have that gene. I'm not paranoid, and I'm not. Yeah, I know that gene. I'm Jewish, so a lot of Jews are very paranoid. They're hypochondriacs, and they're paranoid. My friend was at my house one night when I. This is at my old house. And she was like, where does. Does my dogs? At the time, I had these two dogs, and she's like, where do they sleep? And I'm like, well, one sleeps on the terrace and one sleeps inside. And she's like, you lock him out there by himself all night? I Go. No, the doors are open. The doors are open. And I lived in Bel Air at the time. And she goes, chelsea, you cannot sleep with your doors open. I'm like, I have a complete security system. I have a gate. Like, you think somebody's gonna come and ollie. Oop. Up to my balcony from the.

[Tana Mongeau]

I thought I would do it.

[Brooke Schofield]

And if they came for that.

[Chelsea Handler]

And she's. But she. She's a fearful person. Like, she lives in fear. She questions everything. And I'm the opposite. I am just like, whatever, you know? Like, if you.

[Brooke Schofield]

If they take me. If they take me.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I. That's the. How. Kind of how I feel. Like, if they get me. Whoopsie.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know?

[Tana Mongeau]

But I also feel like someone would pull a gun on you, and you would, like, cuss them out and talk them out of it, possibly. Like, you would be like, what the are you doing? You're holding it wrong. And, like, this is embarrassing.

[Brooke Schofield]

I feel like I was going to do it anyway.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, shoot me.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm tired, too. Let's wrap this up.

[Brooke Schofield]

Exactly.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm not that invested in this life. You know what I mean?

[Tana Mongeau]

It's like, my will to live isn't, like, that high. So it's like, why the pick a side?

[Chelsea Handler]

You know exactly how I feel. My will to live is like, yeah, I could take it or leave it. Like, I'm gonna make the best out of it. But also, if I'm not gonna be around, I'm okay with that, too.

[Brooke Schofield]

And what a cool way to die. I'm, like, really big on. Like, if I'm gonna die young, it has to be in, like, a respectable way. Like, if I get hit on a lime scooter, all my friends have to. To lie. If I, like, get shot, like, huge brownie points, everyone's like, oh, she got shot.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

No. Yeah. If I died in an embarrassing way, I feel like I would try to resurrect to.

[Brooke Schofield]

We know what I mean. Like, if I died, like, and it was like, a robber, everyone would be like, she's so brave.

[Chelsea Handler]

I did. I do. I used to have these fantasies. I know I shouldn't even say this out loud because I'm bringing on bad karma, so I won't. I'll skip it.

[Tana Mongeau]

But I was so excited.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, hero fantasies about how you're gonna, like, say, save the day, or, like, you're going to save a bunch of people on an airplane crash.

[Tana Mongeau]

I have those.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you ever have those fantasies? I have those when I was little. Like, I was like, I'm going to be a hero. Everyone's going to know who I am because I'm going to rescue babies off of a plane that has crashed.

[Tana Mongeau]

What strain of narcissism is that?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know. I don't.

[Tana Mongeau]

Because I know. I. Yeah, I suffer as well.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's so weird and that, but it's very. It's not very. It's not uncommon. I've heard other people talk about that.

[Tana Mongeau]

No, but I've been there where, like, an ex boyfriend does me so wrong.

[Brooke Schofield]

Like, he would feel so bad.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like. Yeah. Vengeful for sure.

[Brooke Schofield]

Wellness for sure. But add it to. Add it to my list.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's like, we should talk more about her book and her special. We have.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're good. We're good. Don't worry about it.

[Tana Mongeau]

So good. Chelsea. I mean, God, I mean, it's wild just how you can still put out a book that is. And again, you're Chelsea Handler. No, you can. But it's so incredible. You've been doing this for this, your seventh book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Seventh book. It's my six. Number one New York Times bestseller, so. It's the number one New York Times bestseller, which was incredible news. I didn't go to college. I just.

[Tana Mongeau]

But you're such an avid reader as well.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm an avid reader, but all my brothers and sisters went to college. So I love, every time I become a New York Times number one to be like, hey, hey, guys, guess who. Guess who has me again. Me again. The one who didn't go to college. You guys all wasted your time and are in the corporate world, and I'm.

[Tana Mongeau]

Living the dream, and I'm in my ORCA right now, thriving and. But I mean, obviously now it's your bread and butter and you kill it and you know how to do it. But, like, when you were writing, it was my horizontal life.

[Chelsea Handler]

That was my first book.

[Tana Mongeau]

That was your first book. What made you want to do that? Like, where. How did you start? I want to know because I'm. I'm in the process of writing my first book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, you are.

[Tana Mongeau]

You are my grandest inspiration.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, so let me tell you this. So my first. First book was my horizontal. A collection of one Night stands. I used to tell these stories at dinner parties, and people would be like, oh, my God, they're so funny. Like, I was very good at storytelling. Right. I didn't know I could make a living telling stories. I didn't know I could make a living being myself. So that's what you're doing. You're making a living being yourself. So you. I wrote this book, One Night Stands. Everyone said that no one, no publisher in America wants it. It's too. It's too. No one wants to hear a woman talk about sleeping around. I'm like, everyone I know sleeps around. Everyone I know is in their 20s is having sex with strangers. That's just what you do. So I got published by Bloomsbury, this company in the UK, this very well respected publishing house in the UK. They sold that book in 60 countries.

[Tana Mongeau]

How did that even happen?

[Chelsea Handler]

I made $35,000 on my advance of that book. Okay. My next book was called Are youe There Vodka to Me, Chelsea. And that was a book about drinking and drug use.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's the first book I ever read. And being recreationally, I guess, like the.

[Chelsea Handler]

First book I ever assigned to you for school. And that was another subject matter that everyone said, no one's going to want to buy this. No one's going to. But after the success of my first book then I had a publishing house here say, okay, we're going to pay you a lot of money to write this book. And that was about a subject matter that everyone told me not to talk about. Drinking, whatever. No one wants to hear about women doing that. So this is two experiences where I've talked about things that were not supposed to be talked about. Right. And they're huge successes. Then the most recent thing was not having children. Right. No one was talking about that really, in a big way. Like, years ago, I started talking about that and being loud about it, and people were like, oh, you hate children. I don't hate children. Anyone who reads my book knows how many children I have in my life. Anyone who really knows me knows how many children I have in my life, how many people's children, not just my nieces and nephews, other people's children. Like, I care about the children of our world. I think all children are everyone when you're writing anything. My point being is that I've been told over and over again not to do these things, not to talk about these things, that it's gonna impact my career. I have been making a living doing this for over 25 years. I have three homes. I have so many beautiful friends and families. I do whatever the fuck I want. Nobody tells me what to do in my standup, my specials, my podcast, my books. I do everything myself, and I do what I want to do. So when you are truly, authentically who you are, you will get Rewarded for your authenticity. So I cannot express that enough to anyone who's listening, who is a creative. And even if you're not a creative, you have to be authentically who you are, regardless of what anyone says, and you will have success. That is it.

[Brooke Schofield]

There you go.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's why I've always loved you. Yeah. I really like. Because I do. I. I experience the same similar things where I've always been, like, too authentic, you know what I mean, in what I say and how I ever started making a living and doing this was doing story time videos, telling stories from my life and being so incredibly vulgar and talking about all of those things. And I think that if I hadn't grown up on Chelsea lately and grown up on you, I would have been so much more fearful to be as authentic as I have been. And this industry hates that, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

And it's.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, because they're not writing your story for you. You're writing your own story. But there's so much more power in that than being someone who's placed in a cast, who's a supporting character in a role or in a movie or something. You have your own avenue to drive down. So there is so much power in that. I don't have to go and do anything I don't wanna do because I've made my lane and nobody can really knock me down because I'm good at it. I'm just being myself. You are the best at it, so thank you. But I mean, it's not like I'm arrogant about it. I'm confident about it because I'm capable and I understand that the most authentic I've ever been has yielded the best rewards. So I just go always for authenticity. And that's clearly what you're already doing. So your book is gonna be successful. You just have to be true about who you are. And. And that's it. It's as easy as that. And share whatever you're thinking, should I share this? Should I not share it?

[Tana Mongeau]

Do you ever get the. I mean, I'm sure you do, but the little. I mean, I don't know if you do actually, that the little bits of anxiety of like, I'm fucking exposing so many people, or. I mean, even when you give people the fake names, knowing that people are just maybe gonna know who the people are anyhow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, there's a line there. You have to protect private people. You do, because that's not. It's not legal. Like, they can sue you. So it's libelous. So you. You do have to. And in my book, I've even had to protect some people because there's certain stories in there that aren't flattering about ex friendships. And I've changed the arc of who they are. Like, not the arc of who they are. I've changed the details about who they are. I've changed the geography of who they are, the sex. And, you know, like, you just do that.

[Tana Mongeau]

What if you change everything and people still find it out? I mean, you're telling the truth, right? Well, that's what I'm concerned about.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who the people you're talking about, because.

[Tana Mongeau]

I've been very public about my life, right to where even if I were to change people, I think people would still put two and two together.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, that's okay, as long as you're not making it clear to the reader exactly who the person is that you're talking about. Even if you've been like, your editor will guide you on these things and they will tell you, like, you know, you do a whole legal call with lawyers and everything, and you go through every character. Is this a real person? What is true? What are the similar facts? Like, there's enough to change even if you've been vocal. I mean, there are some things that might be off. Just be who you are. You don't have to bury other people all the time, but you. You have to be who you are. You have to be true to your story. And regardless of what you've said in the past, when you're writing it down, that's more permanent. Do you know what I mean? Yes, like, that's right. So there are ways to just kind of dance around it, Dance around who the people are and to kind of give anonymity to private citizens they want.

[Brooke Schofield]

Apparently we've struggled with that a little bit where it's. You said it like, it's not always it's your story, but like, it also belongs to somebody else. Like, we struggle with that. Like, obviously we want to tell every crazy, horrible story ever.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right? Of course, of course. I mean, I. Yes, I even. I have some stories I have to keep to myself that I want to such good content.

[Tana Mongeau]

I can't imagine it's so funny thinking about the things that. Even the Andrew Cuomo thing, I was like, there's no way she get shit right now because he's a public person. Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's a public person. So public people.

[Tana Mongeau]

So I can shit on celebrities is.

[Chelsea Handler]

A different set of rules. Yes. If you had a bad experience with some celebrity and you wanted to call them out. You can do that because they're public. So private citizens have more, you know, more laws protecting them. So that's.

[Brooke Schofield]

That's so interesting.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it is. So that's why you have to disguise private people, and, you know, you can expose others. In my book, I've exposed, like, a bunch of people, famous people. Woody Allen. I mean, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's so funny. They were your idols. It just, like, bad lineup.

[Chelsea Handler]

Seriously. That was my bad taste in men, but I don't have any bad taste in men anymore.

[Tana Mongeau]

Where do you do your best writing? Like, what does that look like? For me, I've noticed it's on a plane, and I've literally debated to finish this book. Just flying back and forth from London.

[Chelsea Handler]

And just, like, I do a lot of writing on planes. I get. I get a. Yeah. But I also do a lot of writings. Like, I don't know. I don't have, like, a red. I just kind of. I don't ever put pressure on myself. When I want to write, I write. And then when you write, you write more. Like, you know, like, I'll say, for a week, okay, every morning, get up and write. Two hours for one week. And then on the fifth day, you want to write, even though you don't have to. You know, like, you're like, oh, okay, I'll go do that. And the more you write, the more you want to write. And so you get yourself into the zone, and then you get into, like, the flow state, and then you're like, oh, I love it. Then you're looking forward to writing. And then you. And you're like, oh, I know something I could put in that story. And here's a detail I forgot. And here's a person that was there, and this is a funny piece of dialogue. And then it just becomes kind of addictive, and the creativity is like, ooh, you know, you got your juices flowing.

[Brooke Schofield]

Do you feel like authors get better or worse as time goes on? Because, like, sometimes I'm like, I don't want to read, like, a book later on, because I'm like, they ran out of all their good ideas.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I think writing gets better.

[Brooke Schofield]

You think so?

[Chelsea Handler]

I definitely think you get better. I've definitely gotten to be a better writer. Before, I was like. Like, it was just jokey, jokey, jokey. Now there's introspection, there's depth, there's reflection. I think you get you. It's like you get better with age. You just. Do you have more experience. You have more wisdom, you have more to share, and you understand people and you have more empathy. I never gave a shit about what anybody else was feeling or going through. I'd be like, I had sympathy, but I was like. I never imagined what it would be like to be a person who is going through a hard time. So when you. As you age, you pick up all of these, like, tools, you know, so you get stronger and you're like, you know, it's sexier. Like, you have more to say, and you have more confidence in your own. In your. In. In your capability. So you do get better. It's not just about the ideas. It's about, you know, like, becoming more and more and more authentic with personal growth.

[Tana Mongeau]

I feel like this is your best book almost. It is crazy how much I've always really love. Life will be the death of Me, though. Like, it's. That one is.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tana Mongeau]

That one is so good. It's just. They're both my favorite. But I did find myself crying a lot across this book. Like, and I don't know what it actually is. I need to see a therapist in this one. But the. The Oopsy Poopsie of it all had me sobbing. Because it's. Before this book, one of my major questions, because you have been so vocal, especially across these past few years, about you not wanting to have kids, and I do feel. Feel like it maybe was publicly perceived more so as, like, a disdain for kids.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes.

[Tana Mongeau]

And so I was gonna kind of ask you, you know, have you, like, even just finding out Jo Koy has a son? And just. I was like, I was gonna ask.

[Chelsea Handler]

You about when I found out he had a son.

[Brooke Schofield]

Right.

[Tana Mongeau]

About dating people with children. And then you go into that, all of that in this book, and it. I don't know, it just humanizes you in such a different light. And it's cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thank you.

[Tana Mongeau]

It's really cool. I don't know.

[Chelsea Handler]

We talk.

[Brooke Schofield]

Talked about it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

Before you came. But, like, Oopsie Poops and Wootsy was, like, a major takeaway for me, too.

[Tana Mongeau]

Because I, like, I was sobbing too much, though, to an embarrassing point about it.

[Brooke Schofield]

Like, she and I both grew up, like, in very, like, neglectful homes. And I, like, I didn't have anyone step in as such, like, a large figure, but, like, I had smaller people come in here and there that were, like, very impactful for me. And I feel like you were that for them. Like, yeah, just in little ways, like, you know, like, friends, parents who would, like, jump in when Mine wouldn't. It was so valuable to me. And so I read it and I was like, how special?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I mean, it's really important for people to be seen, right? It's really important for children to be seen. I had someone like that in my life. My third grade teacher, her name was Mrs. Schectman. And she would always say, like, you're so special. You're gonna do something really special. You're gonna impact so many lives. And I believed her, you know, and my family knew, like, I was gonna do something too. But it was nice to hear it from an outside source that didn't really have anything invested in me, you know? And I think every child needs to hear that they're special and that they have something that no one else has, regardless of what that talent is, you know, we're there to provide that for children. And I take my parenting pretty seriously, you know, Like, I want everyone to feel seen. I don't want people to feel like shit.

[Brooke Schofield]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

I want our girls to be confident young girls. And I want people to feel self assured and I don't want everyone to feel so insecure. I hate that.

[Tana Mongeau]

But God, you are just selling me on the no kids thing. It's so nice to clock into the stepdad role and then clock out and fuck off. Like, it's. Oh, my God, it's wild. Every time I listen to you talk about it too much, I'm like, wait, I just. Yeah, take the whole uterus out, throw it away.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, but first get an ablation. Yeah, we're going to talk about ablations. I want to do a PSA for women who are listening, who don't want children, who are sure that they don't want children. There are you can. I don't know anyone who wants their period when they're not planning on having a child. I got an ablation. My sister told me she got an ablation like five years ago. And I was like, what's that? And she said, oh, they go in and scorch your uterus so your uterine lining just so it stops shedding. Yeah.

[Tana Mongeau]

So they basically like cauterizing it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Almost like they fill up your uterus with hot water so that it kills all of, like the uterine lining. You don't feel anything. It's a 15 minute procedure. And I was like, wait, what? And she's like, yeah, and I won't get. Cause she had bad periods. And I was like, oh, well, I want that. And she's like, but you don't have Bad periods. I'm like, I don't want a period at all. At all. I need my period. It's a pain in my ass.

[Tana Mongeau]

I woke up like the movie Carrie this morning. You know, I.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's everything so unfair that we have to do that and that we've like. And that you have a tampon in sideways right now. Like, so sideways.

[Tana Mongeau]

Chelsea.

[Chelsea Handler]

That is sad.

[Tana Mongeau]

Giving my horizontal tampon.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, you my horse. That's what your name of your book should be, my horizontal tampon. And I was like, oh, my God. I called my gynecologist, and I was like, I want an ablation. And I just found out about an ablation. I want one. And she said that they're not really elective. I go, yeah, yeah, they are now. They are now. And I'm getting one. And if you don't give me one, I'll go get one somewhere else.

[Tana Mongeau]

I will get a blowtorch and the.

[Brooke Schofield]

Xanax and a dream Cosby's basement.

[Chelsea Handler]

Or, yeah, I'll go to Bill Cosby's basement and he'll give me an ablation. And he did. And I got one. And it was the best thing I've ever. So I don't get a period.

[Brooke Schofield]

Oh, how lucky.

[Chelsea Handler]

99% of women never get their period again after and. But you also. You reduce it. You can't have children if you get this. Like, you have to know that you don't want children. Just know that that is something, because your doctors will not tell you about it.

[Brooke Schofield]

You're the first person I've ever heard talk about it.

[Tana Mongeau]

I thought it was hysterectomy. Like, delete the whole thing. Hold it in your hand uterus. I had no. Yeah, no, we don't talk about the ablations enough. And honestly, if I delete Command Z, throw it in the trash can. Delete it. Whatever. I said commands. I know you hate electronics. You're like, what the fuck?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I like Command Z. I'm okay with that.

[Tana Mongeau]

I love your hatred for Sonos, by the way, because whoever did make Sonos.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hate wants me dead. Yes, they want me to kill myself with a Sonos speaker.

[Tana Mongeau]

100 fucking.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm so sick of Sonos. And where's Sonos competitor? Where's that fucking person? Hello. Can we get some competition out?

[Tana Mongeau]

They made that app with their eyes closed. It's bad.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's turns on and off at random. Sonos will turn on. I will turn on Sonos here at my house in la, and it will go on in my house. In whistle. That's how up. Sonosis.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm like, I couldn't work for this conversation.

[Tana Mongeau]

I cannot. But it's just all electronic.

[Chelsea Handler]

I have multiple houses one day.

[Tana Mongeau]

Thank you. I couldn't agree more, though. The electronics of it all. In my dream world, I would just hire, like a geek squad to be from Best Buy, to be in my house at all times.

[Chelsea Handler]

I had that. And be careful what you. I had a man who was like my AV guy that was at my house, so. At my old house so often that I finally had to say to him, this isn't like normal. Like, let's get. I had a whole room filled with AV equipment. And he was over there all the time. And he said, I think it's good that we're spending this time together. And I looked at him and went, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? You're an AV guy. I don't want to be spending time with you. This is not a relationship. You are working here for my AV system.

[Tana Mongeau]

Do you ever give him some lsd? I feel like that's probably.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've given everybody that works for me LSD or oic, whatever they want. It's like, dealer's choice.

[Tana Mongeau]

Well, I like that you do it all. It's like, you could give me some lsd, you could shoot up my Ozempic. You might give me an ablation on this table.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right? I could definitely.

[Tana Mongeau]

A blowtorch.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right?

[Brooke Schofield]

I trust you with my.

[Tana Mongeau]

I just like the word ablation. Even do too.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's euphonious. It rolls right off.

[Tana Mongeau]

Oh, look at you go. The way you use a word, too. I'm always using words wrong. I had one word.

[Brooke Schofield]

It was in the. One of the chapters. The title of one of the chapters. I'm like, I have to ask her what that even means. But of course, I don't remember.

[Tana Mongeau]

Was it municipal or what was the word?

[Chelsea Handler]

Juliance.

[Brooke Schofield]

No, it was. No, it was. It started.

[Tana Mongeau]

Magnificent.

[Chelsea Handler]

It means generous. Yes, Very generous.

[Tana Mongeau]

I had to Google that one today. And then I still said municipal.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're learning to get together. That's great. How fun.

[Tana Mongeau]

But you make it seem so attainable, which I love, too. You're like, listen, I didn't go to college. I just like to read books. And now I know I know nothing. Yeah, it's. No, it's. Yeah. You make me feel like I can do it too, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Absolutely.

[Tana Mongeau]

You always have. And it's. It's beautiful. Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

I was going to ask you back to your house. Are you in your current house or.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wait, this house is a disaster.

[Brooke Schofield]

Well, your Architectural Digest is my favorite I've literally ever seen. Is that the house you're in now?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, have a new house.

[Tana Mongeau]

I love that you just buy houses like their lattes, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

I. Well, yeah, yeah, why not?

[Tana Mongeau]

No, it's, it's. And just. Well, I know the financial advisors of it all.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, oh, my financial advisors. I mean, you should hear our conversation.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm so, I'm so mean to mine. I don't mean to be. She's this nice old woman and all she wants is to talk numbers, but it makes me want to kill myself.

[Chelsea Handler]

I always say. I'm like, listen, I appreciate that you're doing a job, but please don't talk to me about my finances again unless there's an emergency. I don't know about it. Everything's to be fine. Like, we're going to be fine. They're like, you're savings, you're not saving, you're spending, you're spending. I'm like, because I'm alive and it's still coming. Die soon, you know, the world's probably going to blow up and I want to have a good time and I will have a good time. I'm not going to be cheap. I'm not ever going to do that. So deal with it.

[Tana Mongeau]

That makes me feel so much better about all the stupid shit that I do. It's like, because I have always lived with that too, where I'm like, I'll work and I'll figure it out. I don't know. I don't know if that comes with just doing everything on your own because you're able to get this far. And it's like, it almost creates this sense of delusion where it's like, well, I fucking did this. Like, I'm, you know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. But it's also not delusional because it's like, we are doing it. I did do it myself. I didn't know anyone in Hollywood. I. When I moved here, yeah, I was white and pretty, so I had an advantage. And I came from like a middle class household, so I wasn't, you know, ever living on the street or anything, but I didn't know anyone. I lived with my aunt and uncle who were not in the business. They owned a furniture store. And I just started hustling, you know, and I worked really hard. And like, I did. I, like, I didn't know what I was going to do at first. I was like, I'll be a model. And then I was like, oh, God, I'm not going to fucking starve myself. So skinny. I like bagels. I'm a Jew. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll be an actor. And then I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm good at that, you know, reading other people's lines. I want to say what I want to say.

[Tana Mongeau]

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

[Chelsea Handler]

So it's like, it's nice to know that you can do that. Anyone can do whatever they want if you have the right motivation and you're ambitious and you really are, like, ready to work hard. Of course you're going to be successful. You just have to really believe in yourself. Especially if you want other people to believe in you. You have to believe in yourself.

[Brooke Schofield]

I needed it.

[Tana Mongeau]

Damn, Chelsea.

[Brooke Schofield]

I do feel like I'm at church.

[Tana Mongeau]

You have done. And so now, I mean, just like, what's. What's next for you? What is this next chapter of?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm going to do something surprising this year for my 50th, I'm going to do. And I can't wait.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm gonna ski with clothes on.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm gonna ski with clothes on. As soon as I get back to Whistler. I can't wait to get back to Whistler, first of all, and see my big black dog, Doug. Ugh. He's so majestic, this dog. I finally have a black man in my bed every night who doesn't fucking talk. You know, It's a dream. I'm gonna do something. I can't announce the project yet, but I'm gonna be doing some acting this year, and it's gonna be really entertaining.

[Tana Mongeau]

I wonder what role has to come across your desk for you to. To be so willing to be like, I'm not gonna be Chelsea for this.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's pretty funny, and it's great, and it's. And it's something everyone will know. Like, they will see it and be like, oh, my God, this is perfect.

[Tana Mongeau]

I am so excited for you. That's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

I wish I could talk about it, but I can't.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, I mean, just. Damn, you have. You've done it all. I mean, we just found out that you've done. You did 10, 74 episodes of Chelsea lately.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did I really?

[Brooke Schofield]

We're.

[Tana Mongeau]

How much Adderall?

[Brooke Schofield]

Seven years we've had kids.

[Chelsea Handler]

I never take Adderall. That's not my drug.

[Tana Mongeau]

Like, no stimulants to get through that?

[Chelsea Handler]

No. I'm stimulated. You know what I mean? I don't even drink coffee. I'm not a Stimulant person.

[Brooke Schofield]

That's amazing.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, I've done coke and all of that stuff, but, like, that's not my drug. My drug is like, I like to just things that make you happy. But, yeah, no, I didn't. No, I. I was never into Adderall. I was never. I'm not. And I'm not a coffee drinker. I. I'm up. When I wake up, it's got away.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's crazy, though. Just a thousand seven. What is gonna say we.

[Brooke Schofield]

We've had canceled for three years. We've done like a hundred episodes, tops. You had seven years of Chelsea lately. Over a thousand episodes contract.

[Chelsea Handler]

You have.

[Brooke Schofield]

No.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, because I have to do 48 episodes of my Dear Chelsea every year.

[Brooke Schofield]

We're supposed to as well.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I don't have to, but I. I mean, I do. I mean, if that's what they ask for.

[Brooke Schofield]

We have 52 episodes of year a year we're supposed to put out.

[Tana Mongeau]

Oh.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, I see. I see what you're doing.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm a little slow with it. I need to be a little quicker. The dumbest. Today I'm on my best behavior. I'm sedated and I'm listening. I'm listening, right. You know, Chelsea Handler's talking.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listening.

[Tana Mongeau]

I don't need to be funny. I don't need to be anything in today's episode. This is gospel, you know, but normally I am saying the most offensive ever. So the editing process just. I feel so sorry for my editors and all of these people who.

[Chelsea Handler]

They should just let this go. I mean, what's to edit in this conversation? Conversation.

[Brooke Schofield]

This is fine.

[Tana Mongeau]

This is.

[Brooke Schofield]

Normally.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a hot mess.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah, that's exactly what.

[Brooke Schofield]

And then it goes out after the edits, and we still get in so much trouble.

[Tana Mongeau]

So offensive. But it's. You can't really care, I guess. You know, I have an offensive.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think you've embraced your offensiveness, so that's okay, as long as you're aware of it.

[Tana Mongeau]

I'm just on the right side of, you know, history, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, right.

[Tana Mongeau]

Like good offensive, not bad offensive. But I. I could ask you questions all day. I. This is. This is just so surreal. I mean, I've always had a. Such a fear of meeting my idols, and I avoid it at all costs.

[Chelsea Handler]

You should have a fear of meeting your idols. I've met a lot of people that were disappointing, but I've also met a lot of nice surprises.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. And this is like the loveliest surprise in the world. I eventually I prepared so much for this, right? Like, so many questions written. I. I watched everything that I felt like I hadn't watched because I was like, how embarrassing. If I'm like, I'm her super fan, and then she asks a question and I don't know the thing, and then I have to end my own life later tonight, you know? And it's so. I did as much research as possible, and it's just like, now that you're here, it's just. It's so wild. It's.

[Brooke Schofield]

We're very grateful.

[Chelsea Handler]

She just headbutted herself into the microphone.

[Tana Mongeau]

She just went, I'm need a second. No job.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's going to be ash. A permanent Ash Wednesday on your forehead. I used to get those when I masturbated when I was a little girl, which you can see in my special me talking about. I used to masturbate on the. Not the swing set, but on the bars in between the swing sets that would hold up the swing set before you got here.

[Brooke Schofield]

I literally said I had such a specific experience when I was younger. I was probably in first grade. Sliding down the little pole. I literally remember being like. Like, what was that?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, what was it?

[Brooke Schofield]

So watching your special, I was like, oh, my God.

[Chelsea Handler]

And also, you know what's so great about childhood masturbation is that you wear. Because you want traction. You don't want to just have your beaver out. You know what I mean? You don't know anything about your beaver at that point. It's not even a beaver yet. Right. Just a baby beaver.

[Tana Mongeau]

And you.

[Chelsea Handler]

When. So the thicker the jean or, like, the thicker the denim, the more traction you can get against a wall corner against, like, you know, some instruments and. Right. Or like a ladle.

[Brooke Schofield]

Denim is better.

[Tana Mongeau]

We all definitely household items.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you. But you're. You're rubbing it on top of your jeans. Like, that's what people don't understand about childhood masters masturbation. We're not. We're not really, like, we're not finger blasting.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. We're not all up in here.

[Brooke Schofield]

I'm still doing that, though. Like, sometimes. Well, we joke about, like, the theragun being like the. Well, I joke about it. I shouldn't say we. Theragun being like a. Honestly, like a usable vibrator in a pinch. But you have to have layers.

[Tana Mongeau]

I love a good layer masturbation.

[Chelsea Handler]

Theragun is a violin. That's what.

[Brooke Schofield]

That's where, like, a good blanket comes in.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Yeah. You need, like. I've said too much. No, I Definitely used things that were meant for your face, like vibration, you know, like skin tighteners. Things to masturbate before. Like you're not in a bind.

[Tana Mongeau]

We've all fucked household items.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right.

[Tana Mongeau]

You know, and it's an important part of life. I remember I did as a kid, I love the TV remote because like, you know what I mean?

[Chelsea Handler]

Rub that on your jeans. There's so many things to use. This microphone could be an appliance that you would rub outside. I never insert stuff when I masturbate. I'm not inserting things inside myself. I'm masturbating. Like my, my clitoris. Like I like that, that orgasm.

[Tana Mongeau]

I think if you can come from only penetration though, like what? What?

[Brooke Schofield]

That's not a real thing. That's a made up lie.

[Chelsea Handler]

That happens to me like twice in my life.

[Tana Mongeau]

That's a myth.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I don't think it's a myth. There are some, there are a lot of girls out there that can do that. I mean from what I hear, there's a lot of people. I'm just jealous that they can do it. And then there's another that I had a friend in Mallorca and she goes, oh yeah, she said she was a scorter. And I said what? Isn't that just peeing?

[Brooke Schofield]

Is that not peeing?

[Chelsea Handler]

Am I wrong? I don't think it's. It's not urine, it's juice.

[Brooke Schofield]

It's like I never seen it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it's like pussy juice. It's coming out and at like.

[Tana Mongeau]

But I've had people say they drank like blue Powerade and then it came out kind of blue.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who were those people?

[Brooke Schofield]

Wait, I'm worried about that girl.

[Tana Mongeau]

It was Trisha.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh. We used to have masturbating parties when I was like 9 years old.

[Brooke Schofield]

See, I might have one of those now.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, we'd go over and face down, we'd be over our jeans and then like I, you know, you'd like get rugged, get a sweat on your forehead from like just hitting, hitting the carpet so hard. I remember I used to like hide behind an ottoman in my parents house like before they, everyone else came home from school. And I'd be like, just in case anyone saw me, my like whole body would be covered, you know, so they couldn't see me like dry humping the floor.

[Brooke Schofield]

Of course.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then, then someone come in. I'd be like, oh, hi. You know, like.

[Tana Mongeau]

And then you got caught at Thanksgiving.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I did.

[Tana Mongeau]

Which is so fucking funny. That ladle, that whole bit was that was really humiliating.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then I didn't masturbate for, like.

[Tana Mongeau]

Nine to 47 years.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, no, nine to 40, probably. Yeah. You know what?

[Brooke Schofield]

I actually.

[Chelsea Handler]

47. Yeah. I didn't masturbate. I thought masturbating. I was like, who's got time to masturbate, huh? You know, I'm either out or I'm sleeping. Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

It took me a really. I didn't, like, discover it until later in life, and I was like, oh, my God, I cannot believe I've deprived myself this way.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. It's nice to me.

[Brooke Schofield]

I didn't understand.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've been. I understand that I was so young.

[Brooke Schofield]

And also, I was hooking up with, like, frat guys, so, like, nothing was happening there either.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

It's, like, just a rough time.

[Tana Mongeau]

Honestly, I just. I. If you came in, literally told me to go myself and stop stalking you and then walked out, that would have been good enough for me.

[Chelsea Handler]

I. Stop it. Stop it with that. That's in your head.

[Tana Mongeau]

I know, but past.

[Chelsea Handler]

Now we're in the present. You just.

[Brooke Schofield]

She's our friend.

[Chelsea Handler]

And guess what's next?

[Tana Mongeau]

The future me on Xanax. I'm like, huh?

[Chelsea Handler]

She's at home tonight, reflecting.

[Tana Mongeau]

I know this is gonna feel like a complete and utter fever dream, and I just can't thank you enough.

[Chelsea Handler]

No. We'll see each other again. We're friends now. We'll see each other again.

[Tana Mongeau]

And I would love to be funny with you as well. I think I had to just get this.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes, of course I get it. I'm. Listen, I know all about. Yes.

[Tana Mongeau]

And just meet you and make this a real thing. And I can't thank you enough for doing it. And everything that you are. Have released right now is so amazing. I think our viewers will just naturally go and read it and watch it, but they need to. It's so amazing, and I'm so excited for you and your Antarctica adventures and acting. And I was gonna ask you about the new man, too. I wanted to hear about that.

[Chelsea Handler]

There's a couple of men rolling around, so I'll let you know, like, on a personal front at some point when I have something to report. There's a couple men lingering.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah. On Call Her Daddy. I. I was watching, and you made it seem like there was one.

[Chelsea Handler]

There was. And then I started doing press for this, and then. That's not gonna work. I started telling everyone how many lovers I wanted.

[Tana Mongeau]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And it was like, oh, yeah, I have someone, but I also want other lovers. And he's like, why? Like, why are you listening to Call Her Daddy? Right? Yeah.

[Brooke Schofield]

Don't be weird.

[Chelsea Handler]

I didn't know you listened to that. And I didn't think it would get back to you. You live all the way in Canada.

[Brooke Schofield]

Like it's the most bad.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean?

[Brooke Schofield]

Right?

[Chelsea Handler]

Like. Okay, you're cut. Delete.

[Brooke Schofield]

Well, we have so appreciated you coming.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thank you girls. This was really fun. I love, really glad I came. I'm psyched that I got to meet you.

[Tana Mongeau]

I forgot to show you what I carry around. Are you aware.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh my God.

[Tana Mongeau]

You sell. Then you can go. You can actually go at any point.

[Brooke Schofield]

You almost got to Christmas, but do.

[Tana Mongeau]

You know that you sell mini books? Chelsea. That if you go online, she got.

[Brooke Schofield]

Your book as a Christmas gift, but it accidentally came this way?

[Chelsea Handler]

That's my ex boyfriend who owns the Chateau Marmont.

[Tana Mongeau]

No way. How much cocaine were you doing in that era?

[Chelsea Handler]

A lot. Yeah, totally.

[Tana Mongeau]

And it doesn't really say mini that boldly on Amazon. It's kind of just like you order.

[Chelsea Handler]

The book and then what's in there?

[Brooke Schofield]

It like is the book. Like there's some of the book in there.

[Tana Mongeau]

I said, what the is this?

[Chelsea Handler]

That's so funny. Oh my God.

[Tana Mongeau]

It gets. I think it's chapter one maybe. I'm not sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

Maybe that's because I talk about little nuggets. I love anything that's a nugget size. I love anything that's miniature. You know, Ginger ale. I like the little bottles.

[Tana Mongeau]

We love a mini moment. Yeah, it's. It's honestly really cute. I'm happy. I'm happy it happened.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay, we have to wrap up. I have to.

[Tana Mongeau]

Chelsea, go. We love you. Go to the Polo lounge.

[Chelsea Handler]

Okay. Cancelled.