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Patriots and perverts, taxpayers and the taxpayer-adjacent — today, I’ll tell you what’s actually happening while the republic drops its drawers in public and calls it governance.

I come bearing glad tidings of tremendous joy, because you and I are living through nothing less than the apex of Western civilization. The pinnacle. The full erection of the American Dream, so to speak — towering, untethered, and pointing in whatever direction the wind blows.

You wanna know where the entire Membership of this administration lives now? Maybe crack a beer at this hour, because this is the kind of civics lesson they never taught you in school, and now you’re gonna understand why.

Our Leadership — has moved onto military bases.

I’ll wait while you scratch your heads.

Yes. The Secretary of State. The Secretary of Defense. The Attorney General. Senior officials of the most powerful government on the surface of this spinning ball of dirt — they’ve moved in to Army housing. And not just one or two of them, nope. We’re talking a full roommate situation. Marco’s got a bunk. Pete’s got a bunk. Pam’s presumably got a canopy bed and a ring light. Stephen Miller’s in the corner doing whatever Stephen Miller does when no one’s watching, which is presumably the same thing he does when someone is watching, only quieter.

And what, you might want to know, is the official reason? Threats. Threats, you see. From cartels. From foreign adversaries. From protesters. From teenage girls named Jennifer on TikTok. That’s what we’re told

Now you — you — might be tempted to say, “But Cary, these are the most powerful people on earth. They command armies, nuclear arsenals, and chemical weapons. What exactly are they hiding from?”

And that, my fellow mugwump, is precisely the question. Why would government officials retreat to military fortifications in a democracy?

But see — see — you’re not appreciating the elegance of this. You philistines, you…and me, probably too. You ungrateful electorate. This isn’t a bunker. This is branding. This is lifestyle curation for the governing class. Fort McNair isn’t a retreat — it’s an executive wellness compound with better fence lines.

Think about it from a real estate perspective, which is frankly the only perspective Our Leadership has ever understood: you’ve got 24-hour security, no mortgage, military chefs, and the kind of neighbors who won’t borrow your lawnmower because they have access to actual tanks. This is the American Dream!. You’ve been out here paying HOA fees and these people figured out how to make the taxpayer be the HOA.

And while they’re nestling in, cozy as ticks on a slobbering spaniel, let’s talk about the moral ecosystem they’ve cultivated, because it is rich. It is lavish. It is a full biodiversity event of ethical compost.

Meanwhile, the first son-in-law — a man whose primary qualification for Middle East diplomacy appears to be that he married into it — continues to negotiate peace deals with one hand and personal investment portfolios with the other. The same governments. The same governments. If that were a dating profile, it’d read: “Seeks sovereign wealth funds. Flexible on terms. Family-oriented.”

And our Customs and Border Protection — is now partnering with the online advertising industry to track your precise physical movements in real time. Your fitness app. Your dating app. Your video game. All of it, potentially, a little GPS ankle bracelet you paid 2.99 for and downloaded voluntarily.

ICE is already ahead of CBP on this. ICE has filed documents explicitly asking for more ad-tech data. Not less. More.

So just to recap the state of the union: the cabinet lives in a fort, pardons go to the highest bidder, the first son-in-law is running a parallel foreign policy from his investment deck, the surveillance state is monetizing your Tinder profile, and CBS News has fewer viewers than a regional bowling tournament.

This is not a crisis. This is a masterwork. And Clearly, we just don’t have the sophistication to appreciate it.

My guest today is the man whose work inspired every delicious, infuriating, jaw-dropping revelation in today’s monologue — investigative journalist, founder of WhoWhatWhy, and a man who clearly hasn’t slept soundly since approximately 2015 — Russ Baker. Russ Baker, welcome to the Cary Harrison files…

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