19 Years & Counting: Building A Relationship Through Communication and Curiosity

Summary

Episode Summary: "19 Years & Counting: Building A Relationship Through Communication and Curiosity"

Cate & Ty Break It Down Episode released on June 11, 2025, delves deep into the dynamics of a long-term relationship, emphasizing the pivotal roles of communication and curiosity. Hosted by Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra, this episode not only celebrates their enduring bond but also addresses the complexities they've navigated over 19 years of marriage and partnership.

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1. Adoption Stories and Online Reactions

The episode begins with heartfelt gratitude towards adoptees and birth parents who courageously shared their stories on the platform. Catelynn emphasizes the vulnerability required to openly discuss such intimate experiences:

Catelynn [00:08]: "We don't think people understand how vulnerable they have to be in order... to share these things... it takes guts."

Tyler adds his appreciation for those spreading awareness about adoption:

Tyler [00:49]: "People get how hard it really is. I mean, these people have lived these experiences."

However, they also discuss the harsh criticisms adoptees often face, even from their own families:

Tyler [02:00]: "I have never seen anyone or any kind of community react the way that the Internet does."

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2. Understanding Adoption Trauma

The conversation shifts to the inherent trauma associated with adoption, irrespective of outward behaviors. They present scientific insights on how maternal separation affects a child's brain:

Tyler [05:00]: "Adoption cannot occur without the baby experiencing trauma."

Catelynn reflects on their personal journey in understanding and addressing these traumas through therapy:

Catelynn [04:10]: "It gives us a form of education... some had positive adoption journeys, and others experienced trauma."

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3. Longevity of Cate & Ty’s Relationship

Celebrating nearly two decades together, Cate and Ty discuss the evolution of their relationship from dating to marriage. They humorously navigate the confusion over their exact number of years together:

Catelynn [09:35]: "We've been together for more than half our lives."

Tyler reflects on the intensity of young love and how it has cemented their bond:

Tyler [11:00]: "Your first sexual experiences, all those things are all combined... it's just cemented into your soul."

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4. Conflict Resolution and Communication

A significant portion of the episode focuses on the importance of open communication in maintaining a healthy relationship. Catelynn shares their proactive approach to addressing issues immediately to prevent resentment:

Catelynn [28:30]: "Resentments are the killer that kills relationships."

Tyler concurs, emphasizing that unspoken feelings can lead to explosive conflicts:

Tyler [29:09]: "You have to take responsibility and say... I'm going to tell you how I feel."

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5. Dealing with External Criticism and Conspiracy Theories

Cate and Ty address the unfounded conspiracy theories and relentless criticisms they encounter online. They affirm the strength of their connection, dismissing baseless rumors:

Tyler [22:32]: "People prioritize their hate over us, right? The truth."

Catelynn reinforces their unwavering bond despite external negativity:

Catelynn [39:15]: "Find it to where it... that connection is so, like, invaluable."

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6. Listener Questions and Relationship Advice

The hosts transition to addressing listener-submitted questions, offering practical advice on common relationship challenges:

• Dividing Household Responsibilities: They advocate for clear communication and equitable distribution of chores to prevent imbalance and resentment.

  Catelynn [54:08]: "She knows... you have one task. You come home from work, you have one task or two or three, whatever she gives you that she just can't."

• Handling Separation Requests: Emphasizing the importance of seeking therapy, both individually and as a couple, to navigate the emotional turmoil of potential separation.

  Tyler [61:00]: "Get a therapy ASAP... Couples therapy, give it a specific goal."

• Maintaining Intimacy: They discuss the significance of maintaining a spark in the bedroom through open communication about desires and needs.

  Catelynn [44:22]: "You have to communicate about your wants and needs."

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7. Modeling Healthy Communication for Children

Recognizing their roles as parents, Cate and Ty highlight the importance of demonstrating healthy conflict resolution to their children. They believe that exposing kids to real-time disagreements, handled respectfully, equips them with essential life skills:

Catelynn [34:04]: "It's not about if you have disagreements, it's how you have those disagreements."

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8. Maintaining Intimacy and Connection

The hosts emphasize that true intimacy stems from a deep, long-term connection rather than fleeting passion. They advocate for continual exploration and understanding of each other's needs to sustain their bond:

Tyler [47:20]: "It's about connection."

Catelynn [44:22]: "You have to communicate about your wants and needs."

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9. Closing Thoughts

Cate and Ty conclude the episode by reaffirming their commitment to each other, highlighting the importance of mutual support, continuous growth, and unwavering communication in sustaining a healthy relationship.

Catelynn [69:54]: "Stay curious kitties."

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Key Takeaways:

• Open Communication: Essential for addressing issues promptly and preventing resentment.
• Therapy and Self-Improvement: Tools that aid in understanding and healing from past traumas.
• Resilience Against Criticism: Maintaining a strong bond despite external negativity or unfounded rumors.
• Modeling for Children: Demonstrating healthy conflict resolution to equip children with necessary life skills.
• Maintaining Intimacy: Continual exploration and communication about each other's needs sustain long-term connection.

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This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for couples seeking to build and maintain a strong, healthy relationship through effective communication and a curious approach to understanding each other.

Transcript

[A]

Well, hello, guys. We are back again for Kate and Ty. Break it down. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of the adoptees and birth parents that we had come and share their stories. I don't think people understand how vulnerable that they have to be in order. Yeah. To share these things, these intimate things, and then on a platform, too, where people can judge you or take your stories and twist it and stuff. But I just want to say a huge thank you to everybody that jumped on and is helping just, you know, spread awareness and more education about adoption. I think that that is awesome and huge. So definitely just want to say thank you to everybody because I don't think.

[B]

People get how hard it really is. I mean, these people have lived these experiences and it's like. I mean, well, and it takes.

[A]

It takes guts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and it's like they come to us and we're filming it and recording it and, you know, putting it out there for the world to listen to. That's hard.

[B]

Tell me that, like, their families get mad. Like, they, like, they sent me messages that their families, like, why would you do this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even. So, even behind the scenes adoptees are, like, being criticized for just sharing their truth or what they feel that. That. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of like when you actually see that they take their own power and say something and tell their story and they literally have family members saying.

[A]

Trying to shut them down.

[B]

Yeah. What I think is the whole. The whole point that they're just the one person in this whole adoption triad that just gets completely silenced.

[A]

Yeah. And, yeah. Nobody even wants to listen to them when they're literally saying what is. What has been good for them, what has caused harm, what has caused trauma, what they would want to see different. Like, hello. It's coming out of the mouth mouths of the people the most affected. And so for. Like you said, for their family to get mad at them for talking about their own story is crazy.

[B]

And if the family's getting mad at them, can you just imagine how the Internet feels? Because the Internet, I think, is the most ruthless.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Rule. Uneducated, uninformed. Just completely. I mean, I have never seen anyone or any kind of community react the way that the Internet does. When you talk about. If you don't talk about adoption being beautiful and amazing and awesome, you're the worst person on the planet. Like, it's. It's insane.

[A]

The Internet is bad for that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It, like. Yeah.

[B]

And I think it's because society has only heard one side for so many years. And I keep. I keep getting comments saying, are you going to show the other side of adoption? And I'm like. I had to pause for a minute. I'm like, what do you mean?

[A]

It's always shown.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, what do you mean, the other side? It's always shown. Always from the adoptive parent perspective of a beautiful saving this child thing and whatever. And so I think for so many years, that's the only narrative you've ever heard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so when you see one opposing narrative, you're like, why are you not telling the other side?

[A]

You're wrong, dude.

[B]

It's like the other side has been. Has had the stage ever since it's.

[A]

All started, you know, it really has.

[B]

Sit down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't freak out yet. You're still allowed to have your positive adoption experience.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But please sit down and let these other adoptees who have not been as blessed as you are and lucky as you are to have that experience. Let them talk, Let them speak, like.

[A]

Well, because I feel like it's important, you know, when it comes to, like, just educating people about adoption. I mean, with education in any matter, you have to know all sides of every single angle in order to be fully educated about a certain situation or scenario or whatever. So it's like, yeah, the good side of adoption has always been talked about, unless you watch like a crazy Lifetime movie and it's all bad, but it's. That's not even real either. So it's like, know these people are talking about their stories and, you know, some of them had, you know, positive adoption journeys, and other ones are like, no, it caused me a lot of trauma and this is what happened. But so I just thought it's really important that we say thank you to them because it does take a lot of guts and they had to be super vulnerable to, you know, sit there and spill everything to us. So I think that's huge. And I'm so thankful that they felt comfortable enough to sit down with us and tell us all these hard things.

[B]

Like, I feel honored. Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you for, like, even letting me in to this experience that you've had, because I couldn't even imagine.

[A]

Well, because it gives us a form of. It gives us, I guess, yeah, like a form of education, too, because we, you know, even though we relinquish a child, we never really heard of all of, like, the dark sides of adoption, it always was the positives and we are always fed. Always just the positives. And so when you hear certain things you're like, wow, I never knew. Or I guess I never really realized that adoptees could have so much trauma.

[B]

And yeah, I think, honestly, the biggest thing that we've learned is just that. And this is from genealogists, neuroscientists who study the brain stating that adoption cannot occur without the baby experiencing trauma.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whether that trauma manifests itself enough to, you know, be external in behaviors and stuff, but it still happened to the baby's brain.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They still experience a loss. They couldn't communicate or even be emotionally aware to understand what was happening to them. But they. Their brain did experience trauma. They experienced maternal separation. And that's a huge thing because we're. At the end of the day, we're human beings, but we're also animals. And we. We. That they're biologically connected to the whatever utero they were in.

[A]

I mean, that's the only way they know how to survive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, I mean, I think that was really shocking to me when I first heard. I was like, whoa. Like, I never. Because I think a lot of. I see a lot of mostly older adoptees will comment and say stuff about, like, you're putting words in our mouths. Not all of us are traumatized. And it's like, maybe not all of you guys have externally manifested behaviors from that trauma that you had as a baby, but you did.

[A]

You experienced a form of when you.

[B]

Were a baby, and you maybe don't remember and you haven't. Like I said, you haven't externally express that manifested that trauma outside of yourself in behavior. So people know what's going on, but, like, it happened to you. And that's when we say that. I'm not saying. I'm trying to tell you adoptee to be traumatized. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Right.

[B]

No more or less. This is what biologically happened to you as a baby who had maternal separation trauma.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Period.

[A]

I mean, scientists are basically saying, like, you know, this is a proven thing. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's not to, like, make you feel a certain way. It's just giving you the. It's just. But I will say I feel like for a lot of adoptees that are, like, either have understood their trauma or worked on it or have, you know, come out of the fog or whatever, like, you wouldn't be this. Triggered by this if. If, like, you know, if I'm healed. And I. And I like my. My example where I was like, someone's like, I had a great dad. And I'm like, yeah, well, my dad Was a crackhead. It's like, you can't, like.

[A]

Yeah. You don't go on people's stuff commenting.

[B]

Because I'm healed with my dad's stuff. I'm right. That stuff doesn't trigger me.

[A]

Like, right.

[B]

It wouldn't trigger me because I'm like, oh, wow, I'm glad you had a great dad.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Crackhead in my head. You know what I mean? Like, so I feel like, you know, an adoptee who is healed and informed and trauma informed out of the fog, whatever you want to call it, they wouldn't feel so triggered a comment like, this is wrong and right and shut up and whatever. So I think it's just. It's weird. I don't understand it.

[A]

Me neither. But I think it was amazing. Yeah, it was. It was really nice just to share everybody's stories and things like that. I feel like the number one questions that I'm seeing a lot is people want to know, like, how long are we going to, you know, how long have we been together? And then how do we make it work? So, like, relationships.

[B]

Oh, so you're getting, like, relationship stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

Because I've been seeing people, they're like, how do you guys make it work after this? After all this long? Like, how long have you guys been together? And so we can talk about that a little bit. And then I do have, like, questions from people, and I said I would keep it anonymous.

[B]

Do you have any great. Like what? Like, reaction stuff?

[A]

I mean, I don't know. It's just. Just like people wanting advice on certain things, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But so me and Ty always joke and say we have two anniversaries. So one is like, July 15th. And that's like, when we started dating.

[B]

2006, by the way.

[A]

Yep, 2006. And then we have our marriage anniversary. And it's funny because I feel like we celebrate the July 15th anniversary more than we do. Even our wedding anniversary, we spent.

[B]

We spent most relationship celebrating that day.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So the marriage is young, really. It is compared to, like, the rest of our relationship, but you know what I mean?

[A]

But not. I mean, technically, like, this year, we're going to be married. 10 years. That's a long time.

[B]

Not feel like 10 years.

[A]

I know. It doesn't. I mean, the first two. The first two years felt like forever. They always say the first year of marriage is hard. And it definitely was.

[B]

Two years were rough, intense.

[A]

Yeah. There was just a lot of evolution going.

[B]

So much going on.

[A]

But this year, July 15th, will it be 18 years.

[B]

Pause for a second.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

06. So 10 years would be 2016. Another 10 years would be 20. 26. So, yeah. 19 years.

[A]

Is it 18 or 19? I don't know. This is a question for Google.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Do the math.

[A]

Isn't it funny that we've been together so long we don't know the real number off the top of our heads?

[B]

What is it? 2006. Guys. And everyone out there, do the math.

[A]

2006 was how long ago? Let's see. Was how we were 13. It was 18 years and five months. So it will be 19.

[B]

19 years this year, babe. Weird.

[A]

What?

[B]

And listen, we're only 33. So when you think about it, we've now been together more than half our lives. Like, at this point. Like, I'm not just saying if we die tomorrow, we. We would have spent more of our life together than our life.

[A]

Not together than apart. Right. Trippy.

[B]

Isn't that trippy?

[A]

It is. It is crazy. 19 years. I thought it was like 18.

[B]

It's 19.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. It's shocking, isn't it? I know now that I'm trauma bonded.

[B]

Trauma bonded.

[A]

So, you know, for 19 years. Of course we would forget.

[B]

It's just our trauma response.

[A]

It's seriously, you know.

[B]

No, but isn't that wild?

[A]

Yeah. So I guess so. We've been together for almost 19 years. Yeah. But married for 10. And we'll never be able to forget our anniversary, how many years we've been married. Because it's the exact age that Nova is, which is funny.

[B]

Yeah. She was nine months old in that little wagon.

[A]

Yeah. She was just a little, tiny, little baby. Little, little baby. But so. And I think people don't understand, like, how I feel. Like a lot of people don't have faith in, like, childhood sweethearts, you know?

[B]

Yeah. No, I. Well, it's kind of a. Yeah. Like, oh, it's not gonna last. It's a phase.

[A]

Which is rare.

[B]

But you know what I. You know what I think about, though? That when you think about it, like, your first love that young and just your first.

[A]

So intense.

[B]

It's so intense. Your first sexual experiences, all those things are all combined. And I feel like I don't care if you find your soulmate after that. Love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That love is, like, just cemented into your soul.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel like. Like, I. It's the strongest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it is the strong. And, like, I'm saying that young love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've had people write me and say, like, you know, I'm so Glad I'm not with this person I was with. You know, I'm glad I'm with my person now, but that first love I had was the most intense that I've ever had or experience. And I feel like people can hate on it all they want, but it's like, I mean, we could have just fell out of love, or we could have went our separate ways, abusive to each other, whatever happened. Yeah, we didn't. And so I feel like we just happen to take that huge, crazy, like, experience and that love, that wild connection just because we just let it kind of grow.

[A]

Well, yeah, I think we grew together. And I feel like some people, if they get together at a young age, you can kind of. You can kind of grow apart. Like, you end up getting different beliefs or morals or values or whatever it is, you know, like, you can just kind of end up. Yeah. Growing apart. And I feel like we didn't. But also what I think people don't realize is, like, it takes a lot of work, and we had to put in a lot of work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, just learning, you know, like, we didn't have the best people to look at for relationship advice. It was like, how do you communicate? How do you communicate in the right way? How do you share feelings? How do you. You know, like, we did lots of therapy separately and together as a couple, because.

[B]

Which we got hated on for, like, why are you going to therapy at 17 years old? And I'm like, because.

[A]

Because I love him.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I also felt like, because we knew the connection was real, so we knew that we didn't want the connection to break apart because of our naive young brains. That's. That's. What a waste.

[A]

Right. If there's a way to do it in a good way and figure it out, awesome. And if that even meant, like, separating at the end of that, that at least we said we did it all that we could.

[B]

And do you remember we said that to each other? We said, listen, we're going to start this therapy journey, and if it ends up with us not being together, that's what it is.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

But it's important to do it.

[A]

It is.

[B]

You know what I mean? And I think we both kind of went into it accepting the fact that the possibility of us not being together and it, you know, us breaking up from. At the end of it was. Was real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We accepted it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I almost feel like accepting that took the pressure off of, like, wait, there's no end goal here. Let's just figure out who we are, right? How we communicate, why we communicate the way we do.

[A]

Does it work?

[B]

Yeah. Does it work? Are we compatible in that way? Let's just figure it out.

[A]

And I mean. And we are, you know, know. So it's just. This show is brought to you by Better Help. Okay, men. I know that there's a huge stigma around mental health, especially with men, and can we just end that right here? Because honestly, with Better Help, it's super easy. It's okay to struggle. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be at your best for yourself and everyone in your life. If you're a man and you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone. Anyone. A friend, a loved one, a therapist. I've used Better Help myself, and I loved that I was able to look at a whole bunch of different therapists and pick the one that best fit my needs and my schedule. I also love that I could do it from the comfort of my own home. I could literally go to therapy in my bed if I want to, or on the couch or even outside on my deck. It just was easy to use. And it works with the App store rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars based over 1.7 million client reviews. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, Better Help can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with Better Help our listeners get 10% off their first month at Better Help. Get.com breakitdown that's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com breakitdown nearly 90% of kids who vape say flavors are why they do it. A lot of the flavors that I've heard are like peach, mango, watermelon. It makes it seem like more childlike and innocent. Oh, if I try this once, it won't be that much of a problem. But then eventually it becomes a problem. It's too. Time to restrict the sale of flavored tobacco products in Oregon and protect our kids from nicotine addiction. Urge lawmakers to Pass Senate Bill 702A. Take action at flavorshookoregon kids.org paid for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund. I don't. And also, it's like, we didn't just do therapy once. I mean, we would do therapy and then we would go years and then Something would be like, oh, we might need a little help in this area. And then, hello, that's what they're there for, you know, and it just happened that we were good together.

[B]

But I think people look at it the opposite way. They're like, oh, well, you do so much therapy, so that means you weren't good together. And it's. I think people need to get that. Listen, I don't care how much therapy you do. The amount of therapy you do doesn't dictate how healthy a relationship you have with someone or you know what I'm saying? It's just a curiosity to learn more and understand how the dynamic works.

[A]

I mean, outside perspective. I think if I were to see a couple going to therapy that seems more healthy to me than a couple that is ignoring all the issues and not trying to change and still staying in it, I'm like, that's toxic.

[B]

And also admitting that, oh, if we go to therapy, we already, we're already doomed.

[A]

It's like, no, because we never had that thought. It was more just like, like communicating, you know, how do we talk about certain hard things? Because we were young. Hello, we were kids. You know, he would say something and I would internalize it a different way. Why? Because of my own traumas. And, and you know, things I would do would bring up stuff in you. And we all, we had to learn about that. Cuz we were kids. I didn't. And when the therapist said certain things about that to me, I was like, oh my gosh, it makes so much sense. Yeah, like, of course it does. And then I had to learn how to say, hey, when you said that, it made me feel like abc. And then it would give you the floor to say, oh my God, no, I did not mean it that way. Or no, this is how I meant it. So it was like, yeah, we were literal kids that grew up together. We were learning together and we didn't.

[B]

Have to do it that way. We just knew that. Like, I think a lot of, I think what happens to a lot of young couples that get together is they just, they, they hit the bumps in the road and they just go. They're so young and underdeveloped that they're just like, this isn't right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like, maybe that's true. But also, we never thought of it that way. We thought of it like, wait a minute, we knew how strong and authentic our connection was. We didn't want to just let it die for something so stupid.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Or something so minimal that we didn't, you know, So I think when we started going on therapy at 17 years old, it was about all the stuff that happened. You didn't know why you lied. I didn't know. I knew that you weren't, that wasn't who you were. And.

[A]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, it just. So many things led us into the door. And I'm so glad that it did because.

[A]

Right. And I think when you grow up together too, like you said about the whole, like, me not understanding the whole lying thing, which came. Stemmed from trauma and stuff, it was like, if I didn't have a good, solid partner to see the good in me, you know, what have I have ever learned about that? What? You know what I mean? How long would it have taken me to learn about that? Like, because I do have somebody that loves me and I can be like, oh, yeah, like, I can see where you're coming from and why, why do I react in those ways?

[B]

You were pretty moved. I remember being in a therapy session and you started crying. You were like, I'm so mad at myself that I, that I allowed myself to lie to, to, to keep the peace. And remember, Kathleen was like, well, that's why we're here, though, is because that realization is important.

[A]

Right? It was.

[B]

Ever since that happened, we got that therapy session. You were like, dude, it was, I can't even lie about the sky being blue or white. I might get anxiety because I think that awareness creates that connection of like, whoa, this is not authentic to who I really am. And I swear, when we were younger, I'm like, I know this is not.

[A]

I was a peacekeeper.

[B]

Yeah. And I, I, I think. And like I said, if our connection and bond wasn't that strong, I would have just been like, you a lying. I'm out. You know? Yeah. Like, red flag, I'm out. But I just, I knew, I didn't know. I just got the sense and I knew that your heart and soul, this wasn't who you really were.

[A]

No, no. That was very eye opening for me. I mean, there's been lots of things that we've learned in therapy that's been very eye opening to me and makes sense. It's like, oh, my gosh, how could I not see this? You know?

[B]

Or like, even me with my, my way of delivery, like, learning about how you, how I deliver things is impactful, especially with someone who has your experience growing up. Like, I have to. So then I was like, whoa, Tyler, you need to back the up and breathe and think about Pump the brakes a little bit. Pump the brakes just a little bit. Yeah, you're gonna speak something. And so. And I'm telling you now, that's still a struggle for me. I still have a hard time. Like, how I deliver things is just as important as my intention behind what I'm saying. So I have to always keep telling myself, what is my intention with saying this? Like, what is my true intention with saying this? And is my delivery matching that intention?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. Let's keep. It's like a constant thing. And I think if I never was with someone like you to make me aware of that process.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I never would have. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I probably would have made a lot of people unhappy. So I feel like it just happened to be like we nurtured the strong, authentic connection we had instead of letting it fizzle out or over something dumb. And I remember everyone thinking we were crazy for going to therapy at that.

[A]

Young of an age.

[B]

But I wonder if it's because on a level, like, our souls knew.

[A]

Hey, no, I think so.

[B]

Like, hey, we supposed to be together. We're gonna travel this thing together. Something will happen.

[A]

I do. I mean, I. I believe in soulmates full, like, through and through, 100%. I mean, I think I've said it on here before that it was like, when I met you, I was like, I'm gonna marry this kid.

[B]

Which is crazy to me.

[A]

I'm going to have his babies.

[B]

Which is nuts.

[A]

Yeah, you're probably like, she's a psych.

[B]

She's crazy.

[A]

She's a psychopath.

[B]

Right. Clairvoyant over there.

[A]

I just had. I don't know, I just had bot. I was like, yep, he's my person.

[B]

And I think, I think that says a lot to do with, like, why would we have gotten a therapy at 17? Most 17 year olds have been like, you lie or whatever. I don't like the way you speak.

[A]

But I also think too, like, you know, it's not great, but it is. I think the reason why we acted the way we did is like, we were only 17, going to therapy, but I feel like throughout life we went through so many obstacles and hardships that it kind of forces you to grow up faster than what you should be. So we were like. I remember even being around our friends and stuff and being like, I feel way more mature than these people.

[B]

I think back, in a sense. I wouldn't even say mature. I would just feel like I'm not on this level or mature. Yeah. But I think, but I didn't know that was what it was back then. I'm just thinking, like, they would make jokes or they would do something. I'm just like.

[A]

Yeah, it didn't. It didn't. The vibe wasn't there.

[B]

Yeah. So then.

[A]

Right. But I do think that's why. So I think, like, we were forced to grow up faster and become aware of more of, like, adult things at a young age.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it was like. I think we were just more aware.

[B]

But I think that curiosity drove us to keep going. You know, I think people. Obviously people, have a different opinions about our relationship as far as, like, oh, I know there's new conspiracy theories every day.

[A]

Oh, gosh.

[B]

But you know, like, yeah, like, you know, or controlled or I'm controlling or you're, you know, somebody save me. Yeah. Trauma bonded. I'm.

[A]

Save me. Yeah. Like, I'm like, come on. Like, I've said that before. I'm like. Like, I'm just this weak bitch. Like. And you think that I would raise daughters thinking that women are supposed to just bend over for men and. And be controlled? Like, that's disgusting.

[B]

I know.

[A]

But then again, I'm like, think you want about me, but I know that I'm raising my girls to, like, they will smack a dude if they have to.

[B]

Yeah. And I also feel like the whole conspiracy theory about, like, me pressuring you to do certain things or make decisions is just so, like. I think. I think people's hatred for us is so strong that they're willing to accept any conspiracy theory that validates that echo chamber talking to us who are the source of this theory. And they just not believing it.

[A]

No, they just want to.

[B]

They said no. That doesn't fit with my thing, though. I like it over here.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because all these people over here agree with me. And we keep talking shit about you guys. I don't. Don't tell me the truth. I don't want to hear it. I want this truth.

[A]

Yeah. They just don't want to believe it. Okay.

[B]

Like, if you want to choose to.

[A]

Literally, your reaction is how I feel like, okay, whatever.

[B]

You're prioritizing your hate over us, right? The truth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think that's.

[A]

That's silly, bro.

[B]

And the fact that there's people out there who have a whole page dedicated to dissecting these conspiracy theories about us and how exhausting. And we ain't even that cool, bro.

[A]

Like, don't you have your own kids and husband. Your poor husband. Like, you're over here, you know, walks in the room.

[B]

Oh, are you talking about Kate and Tyler again? Okay, cool. I'm gonna go by myself.

[A]

Poor guy. Probably hasn't been kissed in months. You know, he's like, well, it's crazy.

[B]

It's like, dude, I, I, I get into things and subjects, but I have.

[A]

I never with anybody. I've never been this obsessed about there's somebody else's relationship. I don't know why people do it.

[B]

Or like making threads and just making these pages.

[A]

It's like, you must be forcing me to like, you know, say all these things and you know, I have no voice. Lord help me. Somebody help me.

[B]

Maybe believe that I have some secret, like, wink in my eye. Don't say that.

[A]

But it's funny because they're like, she's a controlled woman and she can't, you know, she's just stuck and will say anything he wants. And then again. And then you have the other side where people are like, he's in a lavender marriage.

[B]

Yeah, I'm a narcissist.

[A]

Right. He's actually really gay. Like where. It's so crazy. Actually, I think what, I think what part of it might be too is like I feel like people who are not truly happy within themselves and maybe their own relationships look at somebody who's in a good relationship, in a healthy relationship, and they hate it so much, so much, or they just cannot believe that anything like that exists in the world. So they have to come up with any kind of thing they can pull out of the clouds to make it not make sense for them. And no matter how many times I say it, no matter how many times I speak it till I'm blue in the face, I, I would be speaking for years if I tried to like people that aren't going to believe me and think that I would stay in a relationship like that. Go for it. Because yeah, at this point I'm happy and I sleep really good at night. And I know my girls will pick amazing people because they know how our relationship is and they see it. So I'm like, whatever.

[B]

I think it's one of those things where it's like, like you said, they don't want to believe it. So instead of believing it, cuz they maybe don't have it or never experience it, they'd rather, like I said, come over here. This crazy group, like, yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, that's what I thought.

[A]

Okay. It's funny, if only people, if some of the people knew, like, we just laugh at them, but.

[B]

Well, it's Hard not to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have a hope. I'm a picture. I'm your whole. Your whole personality is talking about.

[A]

Right? Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Hair flip.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. But it's, it's Haters keep us famous.

[B]

Thank you. Obsessive and weird. It's funny because the ones who are telling us that we're like obsessing about Carly and we're, you know, we're obsessing about.

[A]

I'm like, I haven't spoke about it.

[B]

I'm like, dude, what I. Are you projecting? I'm pretty sure that you are.

[A]

You're upset.

[B]

You're obsessed, bro.

[A]

That's what I mean.

[B]

Spent a whole year making a video every day.

[A]

Like, where are your kids? Like, I know you say people. Some of these people are like, I have kids and a husband.

[B]

I'm like, where in. In are they fed? I don't know, bro.

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

Have they seen you this today?

[A]

Hopefully you changed them. Like, I don't know what's going on. Think you have to spend big bucks or tons of time in the kitchen to make delicious food at home with three kids? Think again. When you use every plate, you get restaurant level deliciousness week after week with recipes like crispy Buffalo ranch chicken and cheesy Mexican street corn hash. I mean, who doesn't love some Mexican street corn? You'll spend less on these flavor packed homemade meals than you would on your normal groceries or at a restaurant cooking the same thing over and over up your dinner game in 30 minutes or less. Thanks to every plate's consistently rotating weekly recipes delivered right to your door, you'll always have the best answer to what's for dinner. We actually just ordered a bunch of meals from everyplate and I'm super excited because, you know, being a mom of three kids and also having to be the one to figure out what we're going to make for dinner every night. This just takes a huge stress off of me because now I just know what's going to be for dinner. What are you waiting for? Dig into these flavor packed meals your household will love. New customers can enjoy the special offer of only $1.99ameal. Go to everyplate.com podcast and use code BREAKITDOWN199 to get started. Apply to discount on first box, limited time only. Go to everyplate.compodcast and use code BREAKITDOWN 199 to get started. Applied as discount on first box, limited time only. I mean, because people ask all the time, how do you keep it Going. And I think it's just communicating. You just have to speak. You can't, you have to speak your feelings. When you're feeling things, you can't because it'll build in a. Yeah, it is hard. But then if you don't, it will turn into resentments. And resentments are horrible because then that's just going to eat you alive and one day you're going to explode on somebody.

[B]

Like I said, I, I really believe that resentments are the killer. That is something that kills relationships. Because in, in who's responsible for resentments building or not?

[A]

The person that's not speaking. Look at that.

[B]

Very confused. They blame the behavior. Like, you made me feel like this. You hurt me. Whatever it is, it's like. And, and they, and I didn't speak about it for years because I'm just holding it in.

[A]

Well, it's your fault, right? Yeah. Right. Because how are they supposed to know?

[B]

So I think people had this feeling of resentment, but instead of taking accountability for their part in building that resentment, they just vilify the person who they believe caused this resentment. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you need to take responsibility and say. That's why I'm saying if I have a feeling something happened where I might. Oh, I'm going to tell you how I feel and it might hurt your feelings. I have a duty to do that and risk your feelings being hurt. So that way I don't build resentment which will kill us five years from now when everything blows up out of nowhere.

[A]

Well, because I feel like, like what you're saying is then that person is looking at the person that they have resentments with and you're thinking this person can read your mind the whole time. Like they don't know that you're mad that he doesn't help around the house after he gets home from work, you know, or whatever the case is, you know, like they don't know those things where they can't read minds because. Yeah, you're right. Then you're almost like putting at all on this person.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But they're like blindsided like what? I would never been told anything, honestly.

[B]

And when you think about it, the other person may sit there and think nothing's wrong. They love me. We're in love.

[A]

This is great.

[B]

We're in more love today than we were yesterday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whoa. Like you, you. So, yeah. I always say resentments are individuals responsibility to allow that thing to build or not.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have control over that resentment building or not. And you've Got to take accountability and responsibility, letting it happen, because that will destroy it. It'll destroy the relationship.

[A]

And then I guess that leads into the next thing where it's like, if you don't feel comfortable enough or safe enough to speak to the other person about whatever you're feeling, then that's a. That's a huge red flag right there.

[B]

Which actually something I learned in therapy with, like, my delivery stuff. I. It's my duty to make a space safe enough for you to feel that you can tell me something.

[A]

Right. And same. I think that that's for every person in the relationship. You know, same. You know, like, I should make you feel safe enough by however I react. And same with you, you know, that's.

[B]

Why I put that thing in the wedding that I just officiated or whatever I put in there. Like, it's not about. It's. It's not your responsibility to make them happy, but it is your responsibility to how you love them.

[A]

Right. That's responsibility.

[B]

It is like. And the other person has to teach the other person how. This is how I feel loved.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so I think it's important that, like, you take accountability for this, that you bring into this dynamic. I mean.

[A]

Yeah, because it's a two way street, man.

[B]

Two way street.

[A]

It's 100.

[B]

And I just feel like that resentment I can't see now. And it's funny because now what? We can't even go hours without. All right, I just gotta say something. I feel like, you know, earlier you were being mean or whatever. Yeah. And it takes practice. So now we're to the point where we can't even. We can't even go hours without speaking about something.

[A]

Well, no. Or if there's an issue, I need to squash it now.

[B]

Yeah, right now. I can't wait.

[A]

Like, can't walk around the house and pretend that we're gonna talk about it later. No, no, we need to talk about it now.

[B]

Like, that tension is. No.

[A]

Well, it brings up anxiety. It's like, then talk about it.

[B]

And then I feel like you. You don't. You're not giving yourself the permission to feel authentically. What do you want for dinner? Chicken. Okay. I really want to. Oh, like you made me so mad earlier. Now I gotta talk about chicken? Like, you're just like. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[A]

I could never be one of those couples that, like, something really happens. Like, pretend. Try to go about their day pretending that nothing ever happened. That would drive me literally nuts.

[B]

I'd have anxiety and I'm not doing that to myself.

[A]

Yeah. It would drive me nuts.

[B]

That's why I said, I'm gonna risk your feelings, possibly make it hurt, which we repair that I can say sorry for this later on.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But if you know what I mean.

[A]

Or like you said. Or you focus on the delivery.

[B]

Yeah. You know, and sometimes I can focus on the delivery, and it's still hard, hard, hard to hear. Yeah. So I feel like I. Like I said, it's. I'm. I'm gonna risk hurting your feelings because I know I can apologize for that later, but I'm willing to risk that. So that way there's no resentment being built.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's no weird animosity and no tension. Because, honestly, I think a lot of people grow up with parents who did that. And so they feel. Kids can feel tension.

[A]

You're, like, yelling at each other or adults. Oh, God, no.

[B]

We're in a situation. These two adults are fighting with each other, both of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can feel the tension, which creates anxiety. And we have kids who don't know how to manage. They don't know how to emotionally regulate yet because they're so young. So it's like, our duty also as parents, too, is like, dude, I cannot allow to have this tension just brewing between two people. And the kids are just like, what's going on?

[A]

And I mean. And there's even been instances, like, between you and me, where it's like, we're having a conversation about something even. And even. Even when our kids can hear it, and it's not even about, like, adult things or anything. Like, say. I don't know, say he cops an attitude with me, and I'm like, hey, like, you know, you. What's wrong? You really kind of gave me an attitude, you know? And are you okay? Did I do something? Because also, I remember somebody saying years ago where it's like, if you protect your kids from everything, then they're not gonna even know when they're older, how to have a healthy discussion with a sick. With their significant other about an issue that they're having. Like, if they just think like, oh, my mom and dad never fought. Like, even that can be damaging.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, and it's not like we have every discussion in front of the kids, but it's like, I think it's important for them to see little things and us come to a conclusion, because that's also teaching them, too, how to have good conversations with somebody that they love and care about.

[B]

It's not about, like, I Said it's not about if you have disagreements, it's how you have those disagreements. And you're right, because I think putting on a happy face, like mom and dad are always eat.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

It's just. It's not reality. And so how are you going to help the kid when they grow up and end up being with someone? How. How are you going to teach them how to manage disagreements?

[A]

Right. It's going to happen.

[B]

You're right. They need to see the disagreements happen in real time and the conclusion that happens from it and all the. Whatever, you know. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Hug. Oh, love you so much. You know, whatever.

[A]

Right. It's important for them to see it.

[B]

You're right. Because I think people. But I think that's also like the older generation where they would like, I'm not going to get divorced. I'm going to say with this person I hate.

[A]

And they'd hide everything until the kids.

[B]

Get older and graduate from school, and then I'll divorce them.

[A]

Which. That's not good.

[B]

It's not good.

[A]

Especially for the kids. You think it's going to be good, but that's like, more damaging.

[B]

I feel like you just spent 18 years of teaching them how to have an unhealthy relationship with somebody.

[A]

Right. Yeah, I would never.

[B]

That's not service. That's not servicing them at all. You know what I mean? So it's like you literally just kind of yourself and your kids, because they turn 18. The last. The youngest one turns 18, graduates. Like, me and my dad are getting divorced.

[A]

How traumatized. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I thought everything was fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you know what I mean? My whole life. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so, like, I. I don't know. I just think that's not the smartest thing to do. I think, I think the trauma from. As a kid from parents getting divorced, that can be worked through and kind of just dealt with in real time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Over the course of 18 years of thinking your parents love each other and all, and this is how relationships work. And. No, that actually affects the kids on how they're going to have relationships with other people. And so you have a duty as a parent to show them this is how you do it. So you're right about, like, you, you know, you do have to not shelter them too much from.

[A]

So they're not going to know what to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, how confusing.

[B]

Teach them, you know, conflict resolution skills. Like, this is how you do it. And so it's not about if you have conflict, it's how you have conflict.

[A]

Yeah. And I think it's funny, like, for people to think that I need you all the time. Remember it was like a few years ago where I was like, I don't need you, but I want you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I want you in my life, you know? Like, I don't need you, but I want you in my life, you know? Yeah. I choose you and I want to be with you. And, you know, that's such just how it is.

[B]

And I also think you bring up a good point about, like, you shouldn't need somebody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? You should. You should be fine. You should be good on your own and recognize.

[A]

I mean, it would hurt. It would suck.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, but to need someone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's putting way too much of your own personal feelings and self esteem and whatever on someone else.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Screw that. That's. I'm. Yeah. I never, like, I don't ever need you. You never need me. We choose each other. We want each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's all it is what it is.

[A]

And I feel like. I don't know, I. And I feel like you and I are just. I think we've put in a lot of the hard work. We've learned about each other. We've grown together and, you know, worked on certain things that we needed to. And honestly, I'm like, you're. You're my best friend. Like, when I hear, like, some of my, like, people that I know, like, complain about their husbands or they're like, I can't wait for him to leave or go hunting so I have time alone. I'm like, I don't relate.

[B]

Like, maybe it's our trauma bond.

[A]

Yeah. No, I'm like, I don't relate. Like, I would rather hang out with you than like. Or like, if my girlfriends invite me to the bar, I'm like, can my husband come? You know?

[B]

Like, no, leave that, you know, Or.

[A]

I would rather, like, sit at home and watch a movie with you and, you know, or just like, I don't.

[B]

Know, people make you feel like, that's wrong.

[A]

I don't like it.

[B]

I'm over. I'm like, you're not gonna tell me? You guys are too enmeshed. You guys spend too much time together. And over here, like, wait a minute. Isn't this the point to find your soulmate and your companion.

[A]

Yeah. And be with them and be with.

[B]

Them and want to be with them. And if you had a choice to choose between going out with this or hanging out here. You're gonna hang out here like that. So people like, that's. That's too. That's unhealthy. And I'm like, I. I don't think it's unhealthy because it'd be different if we were arguing.

[A]

We were right.

[B]

Attacking, you know? But it's like, no, we actually just really enjoy cuddling and watching a movie. And I would. I'm. I'm not apologizing that I would rather spend time with my wife.

[A]

Right. It's weird then. Like, I think it's weird, like, people that talk crap about their husbands and, like, about them and stuff. I'm like, you're weird. That's weird to me. Like, why are you with them? You know, it's weird.

[B]

I agree. I mean, I get, like, wanting your own time, and we do that. Like, yeah, your girls, whatever. It's fine. Cool. And it's like. But I feel like if I had a choice, like, no. Like, 95% of the time, like, I'm gonna choose to hang out with my wife.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know? But I also feel like people are like, oh, you know, like, oh, if you're best friends, that mean you shouldn't be best friends, because that ruins the. Whatever you want to call it. The romantic whatever. Bro, that is so far wrong. If.

[A]

Can we just say, like, friends with benefits, then yeah.

[B]

No, but for real, like, dude, for you to sit there and think weird that, like, that is. That equals each other is weird to me. Like what? Like, we've been together for 19 years. We know every. Every inch of our body, what we like. Like, guys, I wish for everyone to have it.

[A]

Yeah, no, for sure.

[B]

Find it to where it. Unspoken words. Yes. Move, ain't nothing and not going. I know you want to have a long session, short session. I know we know how to do it. And it's like, dude, that kind of connection is so, like, invaluable. Like, there's no way you can put a price on it. Like. And I wish everyone to have it. If you want to look at it and say, e, that's your best friends. You're not lovers. Like, D. Bro, we're both sorry. Whatever, dude. Like, hey, that's fine, man.

[A]

Siblings. No, I'm just kidding.

[B]

Step siblings. Yeah, sorry.

[A]

Throw it in there, because that's me voice.

[B]

We're inashed from marriage, which I think is really funny how people, like, there are some dumbass people that really believe I know that this incest. I'm like, bro, like, yeah, are you on drugs? I think you should do more ketamine because you're believing that us being crazy ironically, step parents or step siblings. When we were 17, our crackhead parents got married. Like, bro, that does not make us.

[A]

Literally made me die laughing. It's incestual and it's wrong.

[B]

Like, what are you talking about, bro? I think that filler be getting to your head. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Oh, my God. So funny.

[B]

Oh, man. But I mean, hey, I don't expect anything more from that side of the track.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? From that side.

[B]

Like, I mean, hey.

[A]

Oh, it makes me laugh.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

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[B]

I think it's funny because, like, I think people.

[A]

Oh, it's so arrogant.

[B]

People. I don't know. People think that we're sitting here like, and we see these trolls online or anyone saying about us and we're just like, oh, my God.

[A]

Like, me.

[B]

Like, bro, if you only knew how many nights we sit in our bed and just laugh at ourselves. Because I'll be honest with you, I have to admit, some of the haters, man, they say, they say some funny ass.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like, I. I know I got a weird shaved head. And I know like, like they say some stuff that actually makes me laugh because I understand what you're saying.

[A]

No, and then some of them, you just laugh because it's so ridiculous. You're like, what?

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Oh, man, it's like, it's like I'm like, I Don't know where you pulled that out, but it's hilarious. Oh, I know, because this. That girl, man, I don't know what's going on up there. I don't feel like there's a whole lot, but.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Makes me laugh. That's for sure.

[B]

She always surprises me.

[A]

Oh, God. If you. Yeah. Oh. If you can make. Make out what she's saying half the time, I don't know.

[B]

But that by the end of the time that she's talking, I feel like I'm dumber than I was before I started or. I swear, I feel like I'll be listening for a minute. I'll be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the end of the conversation, I'm like, what the.

[A]

Yeah. Because that's what I just hear, bro. It. It's like listening to Trump speak like.

[B]

Oh, Lord, help me. Speaking in or listen to people defend them. Like, oh, Jesus, Lord.

[A]

Oh, Lord. Different episode for that guy.

[B]

That'll be like.

[A]

You know what I mean? No, whole different episode, bro.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

And so, like, it's like, people are. They're. They're interested. They're like, how.

[B]

Oh, you're doing the questions right now.

[A]

Well, no, but I was just. No, I am in a little bit, but. I know. Have I just remembering of what people ask, like, how do you keep the spark alive in the bedroom after 19 years?

[B]

That kind of goes back to what I was just saying, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We know each other so well that, like, that spark doesn't even need any. Doesn't need any maintenance. It's right there. It's just there because we spent so much time exploring, getting that d. Learn how to take it. Yeah. Without no pain.

[A]

But like.

[B]

Yeah. Like, dude, we just spent so much. Like I said, we want a short session. Long. We know, bro. Like, it's such a beautiful thing. And I hope everyone finds it because.

[A]

But I think it also comes back to communication. You have to communicate about your wants and needs.

[B]

True. You're right.

[A]

You know, like, you have to be like. And it might feel. You might feel nervous to say it, but it's like, you just got to say it.

[B]

You do. Yeah. You're right. And I guess. Yeah. Because a lot of things that you taught me that I didn't know because I will say we got together so young that we didn't have a lot of experience with other people.

[A]

No.

[B]

So I'm not sure of. I don't. You know, I gotta learn stuff. Yeah. I learned stuff. And that's what communication does. Which I think is. You're right. It's important. Hey. That. I don't like that. That doesn't feel good. That does. Whatever. Like, you know, do that again. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, do that again. Do that again. Like, you know what? I'm like, I don't know.

[A]

It is. You got to communicate.

[B]

Yeah, communicate. And I think it's one of those things that if you're. If you're having a hard time communicating that I think you should go see a therapist.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Like, even if it's just a sex therapist, just go to that specific person for that specific thing.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because I feel like I'm hearing a lot of stories and people are saying, oh, like, you know, when that we. Our other episode people were writing me saying, I do the same thing with my husband. I'm like, that's a communication issue. Like, what's going on?

[A]

You're talking about the whole, like, masturbating.

[B]

Winter and the husband don't know about it. And I'm like, that's.

[A]

Then you got a lot. Then you got messages of other women saying that they do the same thing. Yeah, that's crazy.

[B]

More messages that I was like, right. Wow. This is a very common thing. And I'm not talking about even in the bed. Like, they'll. Women are right to me saying they're excited for their man to leave so they can do their own thing. And I'm like, whoa. Like, I don't know. I. I think that comes down to kind of a misogynistic viewpoint that society has had with sex, because they believe it's all about the guy. As long as he's satisfied along, he's good, we're good. And it's like, that is so false, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That if anything, I think women think about it as much as men do, maybe even more than they just don't feel comfortable in society to talk about it, because men are always prioritized over.

[A]

My whole thing is. Is if you're not getting anything out of sex, it's my. This is just me. My opinion. If you're not getting any enjoyment out of sex, what the Is the point? I'm not gonna even do it.

[B]

Then. What a chore.

[A]

Yeah. Like what? I would be like, nah, nah, bro.

[B]

Whenever I set out earlier, I was like, listen, I will never allow or let it feel like something. And I. A lot of women told me, why just get over with. Hurry up. Yeah, dude.

[A]

Because then how does that make the man? Well, I would say, you know, you.

[B]

Don'T know that she Feels that way. She's faking it. Oh, that was great. In her head, she's like, hurry up and leave so I can do my own thing. That is a lack of connection. And that is. That's what sex is all about.

[A]

It's about connection.

[B]

Connection.

[A]

And if you communicate the things you like, it'd probably make him even more excited and you excited too.

[B]

Exactly. And also like going back to resentments. How would you not. How would that not build resentments inside? You're not getting satisfied physically. But everything. What if everything else is great? Money was great. Finances, he's amazing.

[A]

I don't think it is though.

[B]

She's spent. Yeah, true.

[A]

You know what I mean? Because I'm thinking like, if you can't. If you don't feel comfortable even communicating about your sexual needs, I don't think you're communicating about certain issues.

[B]

You're probably right.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that would be. That's a connection right there. In my opinion. Like, maybe you don't have good communication. If you can't True. Feel comfortable.

[B]

Maybe that actually is a good indicator that you should do more deeper work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because if you can't talk about this.

[A]

That's what I'm thinking.

[B]

No, you're right. It's a good point because yeah, I feel like, yeah, if you're not communicating it. But I was actually shocked by the amount of women who were like, oh, I do this.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's crazy to me.

[B]

What is going on in this world today? And I'm telling you.

[A]

Did you see any guys that say they do it? No, exactly.

[B]

Not one. But like I said, I think it's because were in a weird part of society where 50 years ago it was this and then now 50 years later it's like this. And so I think we're still getting out of the transition period of like, hey, we should not be prioritizing men.

[A]

And I feel like more women are.

[B]

They are.

[A]

They're in that part, you know?

[B]

Yeah, let's keep it going because it's a message I'm getting. I feel bad for you. I also feel bad for your guy because he's over here. Like, he's over here. Like, I'm amazing. That was great. You love that, don't you? Yeah. And she's like, yeah, great. And then she's secretly. You know what I'm saying? Like, come on, man.

[A]

Like, that sucks for both.

[B]

That's for both you guys.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz I'm sorry. I've always told you that I'm like, if I wasn't getting pleasure out of sex, I would not do it.

[B]

What's the point? No, dumb, especially, but I think women have a different opinion than that. They go, well, it's for him. Stop.

[A]

Oh, no, stop.

[B]

Stop doing that, bro.

[A]

I'm going to sit here, get pounded in the cervix for nothing. You know, like, hell no, I'm not happening. I'm gonna say, oh, that hurts. Move it this way.

[B]

Or you know, yeah, oh, this is for you.

[A]

Oh, my God. Then you're walking around for two days with cramps. Hell no. Like, it's one of those things where.

[B]

It'S like, dude, you're actually disservicing yourself. You think you're doing, oh, I'm a good wife. I'm just gonna lay down for him. Hell no. What the. No, I'm tell you right now, that.

[A]

Was like the 20s, right now, 40s.

[B]

50S, everyone pay attention. No guy, no guy wants their woman to just lay down for them and just. Dude, I contest. What?

[A]

I contest. Is that the right word?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I bet you there are some men out there that would prefer their woman to just lay there. That's because there are some sick ass men out there. Sorry, there's sick ass women, but there is also some sick ass men out there.

[B]

Okay, Another good point that, though, is that men realize, read, read, you know, come as you are. Like, there's certain books out there everyone should read. But biologically speaking, it's harder and it always will be for women to get enjoyment the same way that men do. So you have a. In my opinion, we have an imbalance here. Super easy for me to get enjoyment, not as easy for women. So I have a responsibility to kind.

[A]

Of, and I do.

[B]

To balance that scale. So you have a responsibility as a man to make that enjoyable for her. So that way it services you or whatever you want to call it, make the connection happen. Like, so my opinion is like a, you don't do nothing until she's already had one or two. Then you can go ahead and do whatever you want to do. And that's. I don't know.

[A]

And I do. And I do think there is men out there that do. I, that do think like you. I think there is a lot of them. But, you know, it's like sometimes you just have some of those people, some of those guys out there where you're like, you, you're a tool.

[B]

They're like, that's it, right?

[A]

Like, they're only worried about themselves, which is weird.

[B]

I love you so much that, in fact, I would say the opposite. I could go. I don't. Like I said, I can get enjoyment easier than you can. So if anything, it's more about you. Because it's like, that's. This is what this is all about. I. I'm. I'm golden over here. I'm guaranteed to have a great time. And that's what I mean about the. There's a balance with. Between men and women that like men. It ain't hard for us to have a good time. It is for women. So understanding that, being aware of it and then making sure she's prioritized first, I think is probably the best bet you have.

[A]

Yeah. And I think women, and I think other women out there that have husbands that are intrigued and asking questions and wanting to know. That's a good dud.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, he wants to know, you know, like that. That is a green flag.

[B]

Yep. And you have to communicate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Feelings.

[A]

You really need to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, God, I couldn't imagine.

[B]

No. And I'll be honest with you. I've said it from the beginning. I believe that a lot of issues start in the bedroom and they leak out like a ripple effect on a pond. Oh, it starts here. But all of it just comes out. It comes out. And communicating outside with certain things.

[A]

Definitely emotions.

[B]

It does. I mean, this. It's very important. It's all you have at the end of the day.

[A]

That's why. That's what I was saying, too. Like, if you're not communicating in the bedroom, I really don't think you're communicating about other issues outside of the bedroom. You know, like, I don't think that that's happening.

[B]

Yeah. At all point.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So my husband knows. Right. Then I would be like, okay, girl.

[B]

Got you. Okay, Jimmy, right, Listen up.

[A]

Hey, Jimmy Dean. You better, you know. So, like, I think this is a good one because I feel like, I hear, I hear and I see this a lot on social media. This, this wife says, like, my husband is a good husband, but he's more into work than helping around the house. Now that can get frustrating as hell. I could see where that could get interested. Like, he's more into work. I think that what she means is, like, you know, she's more into work, but, like, doesn't help around the house.

[B]

What guy's more interested in work, I think.

[A]

But that's what she, you know, she's meaning like, as in like, he's more into work.

[B]

Prioritizing. Probably work over. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

But like, now he's more interested. But. Yes.

[A]

Yeah, but you mean. You can only fit so many words.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

But like, he's a good husband but more like doesn't want to help around the house after work. Like, I could.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I guess, probably, I don't know, maybe. Does he have the mentality of, like, I worked all day.

[B]

That's not. I hate them.

[A]

Because a lot of men have that.

[B]

Okay, well, can we stop the mentality of that? Because I'll be honest with you. Studies have been done. We have proven it with science that taking care of women, staying home, even men say, stay at home. Parents.

[A]

Yeah. Because men do study, equip.

[B]

And you can look it up. Equivalents to being like 75 to 80 hours per week.

[A]

Yeah. Unpaid.

[B]

Compared unpaid. Unappreciated, no money involved with it. Hardest job you can do Hardest job you can do. Yeah, so, so I don't think that's a good enough excuse anymore. And I think we've all know this. And I'm not saying that he should have to come home to a dirty house and clean the whole house. I'm saying that he comes home and does honestly, what is the worst task she hates? If it's folding laundry, just pull the laundry when you get. If she, or if anything else, you.

[A]

If she cooked you a dinner and you got home from work. Do the dishes.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Like there's things you can, I think what it comes down to is that saying, hey, this is a task that I just, when I, because I think what she's saying is that she knows when she's doing a task and he's not sitting on the couch or scrolling on his phone.

[A]

She knows.

[B]

So that moment, whatever you can, if you can pinpoint what it is that just really just makes you feel that way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You say, you know what? I'm not doing this anymore. I, I, all the other stuff in the house taken care of. I'm not doing this right. You have now one task. You come home from work, you have one task or two or three, whatever she gives you that she just can't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then do it. And it's, and I also feel like you can't use that excuse. I made all the money, I, I go to work.

[A]

No, because she might work too. She didn't even say, you know what I mean? Like, what if she works too and takes care of the kids, you know what I mean?

[B]

Even if she doesn't have a 9 to 5 getting a paycheck job, she is still working, bro. And you've got to understand that when you're at work busting your ass. She's at work busting her ass. She just doesn't get a paycheck for it. She doesn't get a pat on the back by society for providing for her family. It's all really under the radar, underappreciated work, really. And to be the hardest job with no money. So please understand that you, you're not justifying your laziness by coming home after work and not doing anything just because you think she didn't do anything.

[A]

Right?

[B]

She did.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You have clothes in the morning for your work, right? Do you have food in your belly? Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Are your kids dressed?

[B]

Are you forest full of. You know what I mean? Like there's certain things and I think if men would just kind of reel it back and like that is a lot of work. And that's why I love. I wish I could find the study, but it was like 75 to 80 hours a week.

[A]

I, I've seen somewhere before that like.

[B]

Stay at home parents, that's what they experience. So you can't use an excuse no more. You just got to.

[A]

And again, I think that you should communicate like hey, I feel like I do all the work in the house. I feel like I'm the one who's constantly cleaning and nobody's helping because that can become very emotionally overwhelming. I couldn't imagine, like mentally, mentally, I mean, mentally overwhelming.

[B]

Oh yeah. Well, honestly, like I said, that little space there, whoever wrote this, that space that you're operating in is where resentments can build. So very careful and, and please speak to him about it, Talk to him about it, get some kind of resolution figured out. Because you even operating in that space, like I said, not healthy. That's where resentments build.

[A]

Don't let it happen.

[B]

No responsibility at this moment. You're clearly aware or else you wouldn't have wrote that in. Yeah, you're aware the problem.

[A]

That's why I thought it was important because I've seen like, I've been on certain social media apps like, like TikTok for instance, that I've seen girls saying like, you know, that they feel like they do all the cleaning in the house. Yeah, like everything. You know, like you might help with the kids, shit like that. But when it comes down to like cleaning and that's a lot to take care of. Like dude, I will, I will clean my house like three fucking times a day. You know what I mean? And it don't matter because when you have kids you can fudgeing clean that shit and in an hour it's destroy.

[B]

They always say don't clean until night time.

[A]

No night time.

[B]

I want to go to bed. No, it's like such a good advice but also just hard advice to take.

[A]

Cuz you're like, I want to go to sleep.

[B]

So like cuz it makes it, they say that it makes it more stressful if you're trying to pick up throughout the day. It's never ending, you know, I want.

[A]

I want to go to sleep.

[B]

Feel like you're emotionally draining yourself if you just wait for them to all go to sleep.

[A]

But no, that I'm tired. I want to lay in my bed, eat snacks and watch true tv.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, but I mean, I have done that before too. But Then it don't really matter because then the kids get up for school to get ready for school in the morning, and there shits everywhere. It's like, you know, you win and you. You just get. You're constantly losing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when it comes to cleaning anyways, you're constantly losing. Like, and I feel like you'll never.

[B]

Gender role thing. Get out of here. I. I sleep. I can. I can wipe. I can write all that. Come on, man. I don't want to hear into that. Like, it's my house.

[A]

Girl, you know, you could do you just leave for like a week.

[B]

True. There you go. That's what you do.

[A]

You know what I mean? And then who's there? You wait there because maybe.

[B]

Maybe you talk about it and he doesn't. He doesn't retain that information.

[A]

Oh, I'm leaving.

[B]

Listen, then you just say, I booked a solo cruise for seven days and I will see you on Monday. Yeah, good luck.

[A]

And then you leave me. If you need to go on a cruise, I'll help you. Yeah, well, you know that.

[B]

Yeah. And he'll realize really quick how much work she does.

[A]

Yeah, he will.

[B]

He'll realize.

[A]

And sometimes that's what it takes.

[B]

Go to your. Go to your mom's house for a weekend.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Even for three days. Let him do it without. Just let him do it.

[A]

And I hope you got kids, because that'll make it even harder on them.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[A]

Right? But I'm just saying, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Let me tell you now, if you don't have any children, he's really up. You have no kids, and he's still not coming home and doing like, bro, that's. That's crazy.

[A]

All right, I think I have one more. This one said, you know, what do you do when Your spouse of 20 years asks for a separation?

[B]

Ooh, what do you do?

[A]

Yeah, I feel like you definitely need to get some support for yourself.

[B]

I say get a therapy asap.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And for yourself.

[A]

And together. Maybe if he wants it, bring it.

[B]

Up, cuz I feel like this is a hard part. 20 years, too much resentment's built. He's probably just gung ho on this decision, unfortunately, like.

[A]

Yeah, we don't know all the details.

[B]

He's had too many times to think about it, though. 20 years.

[A]

20 years.

[B]

So I feel like that's. I would definitely say before finalizing our separation, please try couples therapy with me for. Give it. Give it. Give. Give a specific goal. 6 months. Please do half a year with me. And see what happens.

[A]

Or even two months, like something, something, something.

[B]

I don't think allowing it to just. Just end. Unless you want that. But it clearly sounds like you don't want that. But I also feel it. Yeah. Just individual therapy. Couples therapy, asap. And if he's not willing to do individual or couples therapy. Still getting it.

[A]

I think so there.

[B]

Because you're gonna experience trauma. You're gonna experience just sadness. Sadness and just devastation and.

[A]

And grief and.

[B]

And grief. Yeah. You're. You gotta grieve the loss of what? Of a love and. And someone that you thought you were gonna be with for the rest of your life. So just get support.

[A]

Definitely need support.

[B]

I just think after 20 years.

[A]

Yeah, that's sad. I'd be devastated. Especially if you didn't want it. Right.

[B]

I think 20 years, a long time. Like, it can't be that bad.

[A]

I know, right? Or it is.

[B]

Or maybe it is.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. I think definitely therapy. Her getting support for herself, then asking him, can we at least try?

[B]

Do you want to try?

[A]

Because you want to.

[B]

Honestly, I think you have to give it to the other person. Like, hey, I don't. I. I just don't love you no more. I hate you. The passion. I did.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You have no desire to go to therapy with you and figure it out, Right?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

But at least ask it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least ask him. And then, like, you were gonna say that, but then definitely still do individual therapy for yourself.

[B]

19 years. Oh, my God.

[A]

It would be devastating for me. How did you learn to be in a healthy marriage? Not coming from one. And I think. I think for me, it was just doing opposite of what I saw in life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? We've never yelled at each other. We've always talked very calmly to each other. Yes, we might get irritated every now and then, like, cop attitudes, but we've never, like, screamed at each other or yelled at each other.

[B]

No defamation. No calling each other out of our names.

[A]

No. Like, I've never called you, like, a piece of. Or you're a. Right? No.

[B]

And I had the. I want to. I want to, like, elaborate on that because I feel like it's so important because once you break that mutual respect for the other person by saying piece of, you're a. Whatever it is. Oh, you've just created the worst floodgate for. Just unwarranted.

[A]

Then it becomes easy.

[B]

Yeah, it becomes easy. I can call you. It's hard for me. To pretend to call you a. Because it's such a. Just you don't do that. Like there's a certain, like there's a certain respect, mutual boundary respect circle you create with each other that I don't think you should ever call them out of their names.

[A]

Yeah. And so I think like super important. So I think just doing. Yeah. I never. But honestly, I was shown like a marriage that I looked up to a lot. You know, like my grandparents for instance. Like, I knew my grandparents were together. I mean they've been together for like almost like 16.

[B]

Did they ever call each other or anything?

[A]

No. My grandma did one time when I was little, secretly flip him off behind his head. And I remember being like, oh, grand. Oh my gosh, she is mad. I was like, little church going, grandma, just flip.

[B]

Yeah, grandma.

[A]

But no, they never like, you know. And like, yeah, they would like, you know, or whatever, but. And like that was always inspiring to me. I was like, I want something like that. Like, I want something that, you know, that lasts. It's a lifetime. And I think it also goes back to just also when we had issues, we sought the right help or did the right things that we thought to better it as far as like communicating with one another, expressing our feelings. And you know, we've cried to each other about things. We've gone to therapy and worked through things. Like we just. I just always thought just do different than what I saw. Really.

[B]

I never saw it because I don't. There was no anyone that I ever knew was married, always was divorced, never lasted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like whatever it was. But for. I mean, for me, I just felt like I also. My mom had really like five year relationship with guys break up. No see nobody for a couple years in back then, like nothing ever. And none of them ever fought or anything. But I just remember feeling like like this isn't real. Like my mom, there's a boyfriend. My mom would come home, she picked me up from school, we go. Go home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she'd see her boyfriend's car in the driveway and she's like, oh. I'm like, ma, it's your house. Like, why are you with this? Why are you so upset that he's here? He's just so annoying. And I'm like, well, what the. Like, don't be with them. And you know what I mean? So I was like, sure.

[A]

She probably was breaking up with him a few months later on.

[B]

Not even a year later.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

She said, clean your drawer out.

[A]

Clean your drawer out.

[B]

I've watched my mom I've watched men cry, and my mom hold the door and say, no, no, don't cry. Like, don't cry. Stop. I remember thinking my head like, mom, you are cold as hell.

[A]

She was just over it.

[B]

A grown man's like, I don't love you so much. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. Stop. Like, get out. Like, she'd be disgusted. He's crying. Like. But like I said, at that point, my mom was done. And so, like, because she probably wasn't.

[A]

Speaking about the resentment she was building.

[B]

She wasn't saying, oh, I don't want you here today.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I. I was irritated pulling the driveway and seen your mother.

[A]

Right. I just want time alone today or whatever it is, whatever it was. She probably wasn't speaking on the show.

[B]

No, she wasn't. But, like, so by the time he's crying, she's like, oh, sick. You know, this poor guy's like, oh, my God. But, like, I remember seeing that as a kid and being like, well, I don't ever want that either. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's crazy. But, like, I don't know. I feel like for me, it was just. I don't know. I think we had a different connection, though. And I knew. I sensed it. I felt it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought that it had potential to be more than what it was. And so, I mean, I just pretty much did everything that I didn't. That I saw. I didn't want to do repeat. And then I just kind of. I really allowed my curiosity to drive it. I want to know why you feel the need to communicate that way. I don't know why I feel the way to deliver this way. It was curiosity.

[A]

And I feel like you are a very curious kitty.

[B]

Curious kitty. That was crazy. Yeah, no, that was wild. You ain't ever said that word ever in my life. I never heard you say. Never heard you ever think you're a skinny. That's crazy, anyway. Yeah. But, like, you know what's crazy? That's. That's why I can't wait to get this diagnosis. I wanted to just do this.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Figured out, because, yeah, I have so many. Yeah.

[A]

Don't be going off on a tangent now.

[B]

No, I won't. I won't. I won't. But.

[A]

So, yeah, we just, you know, we stay curious kitties. We.

[B]

Curious kitties.

[A]

We just communicate. And I feel like we've always just reached out for help if we felt like it was necessary, and we've just been. But also, too, like, I think it goes back to like, really, I truly, I don't know if you're. If people are woo woo or not. Call me a little woo woo, whatever. Yeah, hippity dippity, whatever. But like, I do believe in like, soul mates and I believe that when two souls find each other that they've been looking on this planet for each other this whole time. Like all of a sudden you just know and it just works and it clicks and it flows and like, I do feel like me and you have been through probably multiple lives together. And I feel like our souls have been a many gen. Like many journeys together. And I just think we're meant to be where we are.

[B]

And I also feel like people can say what they want about and judge us about our relationship and how bad it is or good is whatever, but like, there's jealous, there sucks at the end of the day. We've been through enough that should have destroyed us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if that's not proof that the soul doesn't give a about external things going on, they just know, hey, it's, you're my person. Don't untie, don't untether me because we got this. We got to be together. You know what I mean? So it's like we've been through enough that where if we weren't meant to be together, we wouldn't be together.

[A]

True. I agree. But. Yeah. Well, I think our time is up for this week. It is. Yes. Yeah, it was funny, had good laughs. Again, thank you guys for listening. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Please rate and review us. Give us that five star rating. We really appreciate it very much and we'll be talking to you guys next week.

[B]

Thanks for checking out Kate and Time.

[A]

Break it down and stay curious kitties.

[B]

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[A]

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