Summary of "Challenging the 'Grateful' Adoptee Narrative with Dez, The Outspoken Adoptee"

Episode Released on May 28, 2025 | Podcast: Cate & Ty Break It Down | Host: Catelynn and Tyler Baltierra

In this powerful and emotionally charged episode of "Cate & Ty Break It Down", hosts Catelynn and Tyler Baltierra engage in a candid conversation with Desiree Farrow (Des), an outspoken adoptee active on TikTok and Instagram. Together, they delve deep into the complexities and challenges faced by adoptees, challenging the prevailing narrative that adoption is inherently a positive and grateful experience. The discussion sheds light on systemic issues within the adoption industry, racial trauma, and the personal journey of healing from abuse.

1. Introduction and Guest Background

Desiree welcomes Des to the show, expressing admiration for her "outspoken" nature and "candidness" in discussing adoption-related issues.

Desiree [01:46]: "We love your vibes."

Des [01:48]: "Thank you. Truth needs to be told bluntly, not palatably."

2. Des's Adoption Story

Des shares her adoption journey, highlighting the early age at which she was adopted and the circumstances surrounding her adoption.

Des [03:01]: "I was adopted at 7 days old."

Her birth parents were a mixed-race couple; her birth mother was white, and her birth father was Black. The adoption was influenced by racist ideologies prevalent in the Mormon community, which stigmatized Black children.

3. Challenges with Racial Identity

Des discusses the racial challenges she faced growing up, including microaggressions and systemic racism in her adoptive environment.

Des [10:26]: "The first time I ever got asked what I was was at five. A kid asked, 'What are you?' It wasn’t about my gender; it was about my race."

She reflects on feeling isolated and the lack of understanding from peers and teachers regarding her racial identity.

4. Abuse in Adoptive Family

A significant portion of the conversation centers on the abuse Des endured within her adoptive family, detailing both emotional and physical abuse from multiple family members.

Des [14:02]: "In my home, there were four men, and out of those, only one is not a pedophile."

Des recounts her trauma-bonded relationship with her adoptive father, who was both an abuser and a figure she felt powerless to leave.

Des [17:01]: "My adopted father was my abuser from age 5 to 17."

She also touches on the criminal actions of her older brother, who was convicted of rape, and the subsequent estrangement from her biological family.

5. Systemic Issues in Adoption

Des critiques the adoption industry, particularly focusing on the practices in Utah, where she was raised. She highlights the coercive tactics used to facilitate adoptions, often involving financial incentives and manipulation.

Des [26:06]: "Fathers do not have rights in Utah. There's no revocation once the paperwork is done."

She calls for the federalization of adoption systems to ensure uniform standards and to eliminate the commodification of children.

Des [57:00]: "Adoption is a $25 billion a year industry. These children should not come with a cost."

6. Reunions with Birth Parents

The discussion moves to the complexity of reunions between adoptees and their birth parents. Des shares her personal experience of meeting her birth mother, describing it as awkward and unfulfilling.

Des [31:00]: "Our first visit... it was the most awkward, uncomfortable experience."

She emphasizes the lack of readiness and support for adoptees during such reunions, advocating for more structured and sensitive approaches.

7. Mental Health and Healing

Des opens up about the long-term mental health impacts of her adoption and abuse, including self-harm tendencies and body dysmorphia. She speaks about her journey through therapy, addressing racial trauma and seeking validation from the community.

Des [54:52]: "Until I took a psychological evaluation, I didn't realize how racially traumatized I was."

Her healing process is portrayed as ongoing and multifaceted, highlighting the need for comprehensive mental health support for adoptees.

8. Recommendations for System Change

Des and the hosts discuss necessary reforms in the adoption system to better support both birth parents and adoptees. Key recommendations include:

• Federalization of Adoption Laws: To ensure consistency and protect children's rights across all states.

• Elimination of Financial Incentives: Shifting from a commodified approach to fostering ethical practices.

• Immediate Access to Birth Records: Allowing adoptees to obtain their original birth certificates and medical histories without barriers.

• Support Programs for Birth Parents: Providing family planning and educational resources to prevent coercion and ensure informed consent.

Des [57:00]: "Adoption is a $25 billion a year industry... These children should not come with a cost."

9. Conclusion

The episode concludes with a call to action for society to acknowledge the trauma experienced by adoptees and to challenge the sanitized narratives often portrayed in media and public discourse. Des emphasizes the importance of community support and open conversations to foster healing and understanding.

Des [81:12]: "This is all one step of change... Thank you so much."

Key Takeaways

• Adoption is not universally positive: While some adoptees may have fulfilling experiences, many face profound trauma and systemic challenges.

• Racial identity plays a significant role in the adoption experience, especially in transracial adoptions where adoptees may face additional layers of discrimination and isolation.

• Abuse within adoptive families can severely impact the mental and emotional well-being of adoptees, necessitating robust support systems.

• Systemic reforms are essential to protect the rights of children, ensure ethical adoption practices, and provide adequate support for both birth parents and adoptees.

• Open dialogue and community support are crucial for adoptees to feel seen, validated, and empowered to share their stories.

Notable Quotes

• Des [01:43]: "A couple times over on Instagram."

• Des [02:03]: "I was adopted at 7 days old."

• Des [10:26]: "The first time I ever got asked what I was was at five. A kid asked, 'What are you?' It wasn’t about my gender; it was about my race."

• Des [14:02]: "In my home, there were four men, and out of those, only one is not a pedophile."

• Des [57:00]: "Adoption is a $25 billion a year industry. These children should not come with a cost."

• Des [81:12]: "This is all one step of change... Thank you so much."

This episode serves as a crucial reminder of the hidden struggles faced by many adoptees and the urgent need for systemic change to ensure that adoption serves the best interests of the children involved, free from abuse and coercion.