Cate & Ty Break It Down: Episode Summary
Episode: Dr. Abby Hasberry: Navigating Adoption as an Adoptee and Birth Mother
Release Date: August 13, 2025
Hosts: Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra
Guest: Dr. Abby Hasberry
Introduction
In this poignant episode of Cate & Ty Break It Down, hosts Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra welcome Dr. Abby Hasberry, a unique voice in the adoption community who embodies the roles of both a transracial adoptee and a birth mother. Dr. Abby shares her multifaceted journey, shedding light on the complexities of adoption from both perspectives.
Dr. Abby's Dual Journey
[00:33] Dr. Abby:
Dr. Abby begins by introducing herself as both a transracial adoptee and a birth mother. She recounts her transition from being a principal and educator to becoming a therapist specializing in adoption-related trauma, driven by the scarcity of adoption-informed mental health professionals. Her mission is to "change the narrative about adoptions" through her memoir and professional work.
Notable Quote:
"Informed consent is something that's absolutely been historically missing in the adoption narrative." — Dr. Abby [01:37]
The Importance of Informed Consent
Dr. Abby emphasizes the critical need for informed consent in adoption processes. She argues that prospective adoptive and birth parents are often not adequately informed about the potential trauma, grief, and long-term psychological effects associated with adoption. This lack of transparency can lead to decisions made under coercion or without a full understanding of the consequences.
Key Points:
- Adoption agencies frequently present adoption as a flawless solution without discussing potential emotional repercussions.
- Dr. Abby reflects on her own experience, stating, "If I had had a path laid out for me... it would have changed my whole mind about what I was doing." [02:48]
- She advocates for comprehensive support systems and education for all parties involved in adoption to ensure decisions are made with full awareness and consent.
Dr. Abby's Adoption as a Birth Mother
Dr. Abby shares her personal story of being a teenage birth mother who chose to relinquish her child through a closed adoption. She describes the emotional turmoil and the coercive environment that influenced her decision, highlighting the lack of genuine support and preparation for the lifelong grief she would carry.
Notable Quotes:
"It was the hardest thing I've ever done." — Dr. Abby [08:48]
"This is someone else's child. No one is entitled to anyone else's child." — Dr. Abby [39:46]
Key Points:
- Dr. Abby was pressured into adoption without a viable support system or realistic plans for her future.
- She discovered years later that her son was not placed with the family she had initially reviewed, leading to feelings of betrayal and loss of agency.
- The emotional impact of relinquishing a child is profound and enduring, affecting both the birth mother and the adoptee.
Navigating Reunions and Relationships
The discussion delves into Dr. Abby's experiences with her biological son and the complexities of maintaining a relationship post-adoption. She explains the cyclical nature of closings and reopenings in their relationship, influenced by his ongoing identity struggles and her own emotional healing process.
Notable Quote:
"Adoptees tend to put their foot in the door and want to get to know their birth parents, and then they step back because it's bringing up stuff they have to process." — Dr. Abby [20:19]
Key Points:
- Reunions can unearth deep-seated emotions and identity issues for both adoptees and birth parents.
- Dr. Abby's son has experienced multiple periods of no contact, reflecting the fluctuating nature of their relationship.
- Open adoptions require continuous emotional negotiation and respect for each individual's healing process.
Impact on Families and Future Generations
Dr. Abby discusses how her adoption journey has affected her own children, particularly her youngest daughter who views her biological brother as part of her immediate family. This dynamic introduces unique challenges and emotional complexities as her children navigate their identities and relationships.
Key Points:
- Adoption decisions ripple through generations, affecting not just the adoptive and birth parents but also the children involved.
- Dr. Abby's memoir, "Adopting Privilege," serves as a tool for her children to understand her perspective and the intricacies of her experiences.
- Her daughters face their own challenges in reconciling their identities with their extended biological families.
Critique of the Adoption Industry
A significant portion of the conversation is dedicated to critiquing the current adoption industry's practices. Dr. Abby calls for a complete overhaul of adoption processes, emphasizing the need to eradicate the commodification of children and ensure that all parties receive proper psychological support and informed consent.
Notable Quote:
"Adoption should not be a marketing industry. The goal should be if there's a child who absolutely does not have anyone to take care of them, then adoption should be an option." — Dr. Abby [57:33]
Key Points:
- The adoption process is often driven by economic factors, leading to unethical practices like SEARCH ads and commodification.
- There is a lack of support and counseling for adoptive parents to address their own grief and attachment issues.
- Dr. Abby advocates for adopting with a clear understanding of the emotional and psychological impacts, ensuring that the child's best interests are paramount.
Mental Health and Attachment Issues
The episode highlights the profound impact of adoption on mental health, particularly concerning attachment issues faced by adoptees. Dr. Abby explains how early trauma and separation can lead to scattered attachment styles, affecting individuals' ability to form secure relationships throughout their lives.
Notable Quote:
"Having all kinds of scattered attachment, whether it's anxious or avoidant...not understanding who they are and where they can feel safe." — Dr. Abby [62:05]
Key Points:
- Adoptees often grapple with identity and attachment issues stemming from early separation from their birth parents.
- These challenges extend into adulthood, influencing relationships, parenting styles, and overall emotional well-being.
- Comprehensive mental health support is essential for adoptees to navigate these complex emotions and attachments.
Closing Remarks and Resources
Towards the end of the episode, Dr. Abby shares information about her memoir, "Adopting Privilege," and encourages listeners to seek out adoption-competent therapists for support. She emphasizes the importance of transparency, informed consent, and ongoing dialogue to foster healthier adoption experiences.
Notable Quote:
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." — Melissa [60:32]
Resources:
- Memoir: Adopting Privilege – Available at adoptingprivilege.com
- Therapeutic Support: Dr. Abby offers services through her practice, accessible via her website.
Conclusion
This episode of Cate & Ty Break It Down offers a deeply insightful exploration of adoption from both the adoptee and birth mother perspectives. Dr. Abby Hasberry's candid discussions underscore the emotional complexities and systemic shortcomings within the adoption industry, advocating for informed consent and compassionate support for all individuals involved.
Notable Quotes with Timestamps
- Dr. Abby [01:37]: "Informed consent is something that's absolutely been historically missing in the adoption narrative."
- Kate [04:01]: "It was just easy for them to then switch me from adoptee to a birth parent."
- Dr. Abby [08:48]: "It was the hardest thing I've ever done."
- Dr. Abby [20:19]: "Adoptees tend to put their foot in the door and want to get to know their birth parents, and then they step back because it's bringing up stuff they have to process."
- Dr. Abby [39:46]: "No one is entitled to anyone else's child."
- Dr. Abby [57:33]: "Adoption should not be a marketing industry. The goal should be if there's a child who absolutely does not have anyone to take care of them, then adoption should be an option."
- Dr. Abby [62:05]: "Having all kinds of scattered attachment, whether it's anxious or avoidant...not understanding who they are and where they can feel safe."
- Melissa [60:32]: "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
This comprehensive summary encapsulates the heart-wrenching and enlightening conversation between Dr. Abby Hasberry and the hosts, providing valuable insights into the multifaceted world of adoption from personal and professional standpoints.