Announcer (1:14)

Yeah.

Kate (1:15)

How do you feel about it?

Ty (1:16)

I feel great. I honestly feel sometimes I'm. I'm like, like almost like too good to be true in a way. Like, because you just hear so many horror stories.

Kate (1:25)

Well, I mean, our first year of marriage was hell. It was hard.

Ty (1:27)

You know what's weird is that even though the first year of marriage was hard, we already, like, technically, we were already together for so long before. Yeah.

Kate (1:35)

So the first year marriage was crazy.

Ty (1:36)

It was. Yeah. But I feel like the first year of marriage for most people, they're dating for a few years before that. We were dating a long ass time.

Kate (1:43)

No, we were before our first year, a really long time.

Ty (1:45)

What I'm saying. So.

Kate (1:46)

Yeah.

Ty (1:47)

But yeah, first year marriage was. Was interesting.

Kate (1:50)

It was rough.

Ty (1:51)

It was very rough.

Kate (1:52)

Yeah. And we had rough. I mean, I think every marriage has its rough patches throughout the years. You know what I mean?

Ty (1:57)

How would you like categorize our rough patches? Like, like if you could break it down, like, okay, this was the worst. That was like.

Kate (2:03)

I think it was just a lot of the mental health stuff that Sucked.

Ty (2:06)

Yeah.

Kate (2:07)

You know what I mean? Trying me trying to figure out what it is. How do I deal with it. All the things you feeling like you're having to be like, a caretaker or to, like, try to fix it or, you know, whatever. Like caregiving. Whatever.

Ty (2:21)

What is that called caretaking fatigue or something?

Kate (2:23)

Yeah, yeah. And then you wanted to take a break, and then you'd be separated because of mental health.

Ty (2:29)

And the break was so stupid. The break wasn't even. You remember we went to that. You, you were suggested we go to this couple things, like couples thing in Arizona. It was like this very holistic, spiritual thing. And I remember that's where I got like, kind of that when. Remember we were talking that first girl we ever talked to.

Kate (2:48)

Yeah.

Ty (2:48)

And she was talking about these certain things, and I kept coming back to the conclusion, well, oh, well, we just need to separate for a minute. Like, two people's individual. We need to separate and not separate and break up. But, like, I get what I got from what she was saying was like, oh, a break. And I'm like, all right. Like, I, I, I don't know. It was hard. I got it. I understood what she was saying. But at the same time, when we executed it, I was like, this is so stupid.

Kate (3:10)

I know. You, like, bought a whole bed and a different mattress.

Ty (3:14)

Stay in the other house.

Kate (3:15)

Yeah, he's staying at the other house.

Ty (3:16)

Renovate another house.

Kate (3:18)

And then he would come over and spend the night all the time anyways. I'm like, this is pointless. And then he would leave, and then I'd cry and be upset and thinking he's gonna leave me and all the things.

Ty (3:27)

And it's crazy because I inside did not want to leave, but I kept telling myself, wait, though, you made this commitment. You said out loud, you're gonna separate and do this 30 day.

Announcer (3:36)

Yeah.

Kate (3:37)

What?

Ty (3:38)

I don't know.

Kate (3:39)

Really.

Ty (3:43)

It was a waste of time, but, well, okay, I won't say a waste of time because what it did, what it did reveal to me was like, well, this is what. I should just follow my gut. I feel like.

Announcer (3:53)

You know what I mean?

Kate (3:54)

Follow your gut with what?

Ty (3:56)

I should have followed my gut and just, like, not did it. Like, I mean, I don't know.

Kate (3:59)

I felt when we were going through that period of time, too, with the whole separation, I remember talking to people and being like, I wonder if this is something with him. Like, you, you have to have some form of, like, chaos in your life for life to feel normal and natural. Like, that's kind of what How I felt was at that during that time. And I'm like, maybe he just needs, like. Because things were, like, going smooth. I was out of treatment, I was doing better, all the things. Then all of a sudden, I was like, here's this now, and you're pregnant on top of it. And I was like. It was just like, so, so much.

Ty (4:32)

I wonder if the pregnancy triggered that thought process. Because in a way, because I was like, all right. Like, I knew that I had to dive into certain stuff when you were gone. And, like, okay, like, how do I handle? It was hard to handle my own inside while simultaneously feeling like, I need to walk on eggshells because you're a newly released.

Kate (4:51)

No, I get it.

Ty (4:52)

Like, I didn't want to. Oh, okay. How? Like, so I knew I had to, like, bring it up eventually and talk about, like, the feelings I was having, but I. I didn't want to, like, ruin any progress, you know what I'm saying?

Kate (5:06)

And it's important for you to be able to share however you were feeling or, you know, or whatever was going on.

Ty (5:12)

Well, it just felt. I just felt like. It just felt like almost like my issues weren't. Like, they weren't a priority or they didn't as matter as much as yours, or, like, if I had any slight, you know, like, disagreement or not disagreement, any. Any slight, like, annoyed with anything. It was like I was not allowed to feel that way. I wasn't allowed to feel frustrated. I wasn't.

Kate (5:35)

Like, I made you feel that way.

Ty (5:36)

Or it wasn't necessarily you. It was more or less like. I don't. I think just being okay being the caretaker, quote, unquote, whatever, then feeling like, okay, I gotta. Almost gotta like, caretake you a little bit too, because you just got out of treatment and, like, you were so sensitive and vulnerable, and I didn't. I was like, when is the right time to talk about how I'm feeling? I guess like, when. When is the right time to talk about this?

Kate (5:57)

Because I think it's a hard conversation.

Ty (5:58)

It wasn't fair. You just got out. What am I supposed to do? You get out and I'm, hey, by the way. But yeah, it was. It was. I didn't know how it was. I didn't know when a time was right to. To talk about it. Yeah. So I think a part of me was like, okay, we're just gonna, like, everything's good until, you know, eventually you just kind of, like, speak or whatever. So.

Kate (6:15)

No, and I can understand. Well, because I think what I was Going through at that time was very severe and was very big and huge. So I can get why you thought you felt like, you know, that yours weren't being prioritized and stuff, which. That's shitty. You shouldn't have to feel like that. You know what I mean?

Ty (6:32)

Do you remember when I brought it up to you about, like, oh, this is what the therapist is saying, all this stuff. And you were like, very, like. Like, I got the vibe immediately. Like, it was when. When our therapist brought up, okay, this is what we should do. I can't remember what it was. We should do some certain stuff. And you're like, just like, immediately, like, well, that doesn't make any sense. And it was like. It was almost like your treatment and your stuff was allowed and it was good and there's no reason to question it. But when I went to my therapist and brought the stuff that they brought to me back to you, did whatever, it was, like, met with rejection. And that's what made me feel like, okay, maybe mine isn't as.

Kate (7:06)

Oh, you know, I'm sorry.

Ty (7:08)

No, I know. No, I know.

Kate (7:11)

But no, I remember. I do remember thinking I'm like, your therapist just fucking hates me secretly. She hates. She does not like me.

Ty (7:18)

And I think that is wrong because I think that also made, like, you reject what her opinions were or what her. Her.

Kate (7:26)

Because I was like, what the fuck? You want to separate? Like, well, she doesn't fucking live here. She just doesn't even like me. I'm just talking about in that mind.

Ty (7:32)

Yeah, right.

Kate (7:32)

That time.

Ty (7:33)

But see, it's funny because you're sitting here thinking, the therapist doesn't like you, so she's out to get you or whatever the case or whatever was. And then I'm over here like, wow. Like, not. I'm over here like, wow, you just don't care about my stuff. You're the. You're the main victim. You're the priority. You're the.

Kate (7:47)

Yeah. And that wasn't my mind.

Ty (7:49)

But do you get why I would feel that way? Yeah, no, I brought up to. You were immediately just like, this is stupid. It doesn't make any sense.

Kate (7:54)

And I think because subconsciously, it brings up a trigger of mine for sure about, you know, definite love. Being, like, abandoned by the people that love me. Who knows? I'm just, like, talking, you know. You know, or whatever. But I think a lot of people can relate to that. Like when you have people who are going through very severe mental illness and some, you know, sometimes for the first time, like, them Feeling like their mental health is prioritized over the other person's, and that's not fair at all.

Ty (8:18)

Yeah. I mean, and I. It was so. It was weird to, like, navigate how to, like, bring it up.

Kate (8:24)

Yeah. I'll never forget when I found out I was pregnant with Veda. Came in the door because I went to the hospital to get a blood test done. Came into the door, and I'm like, yep. And you were. He was just sitting on the counter drinking a fifth of Jagermeister. And I was like, oh, no.

Ty (8:37)

Son of a. Son of a. I just knew it wasn't the right time, and I think, like, it just wasn't the right time. And I think even you knew that wasn't the right time. You just got on treatment. Everything was just so fresh and raw, and we still had so much other stuff going on that we should have.

Kate (8:52)

Been using birth control.

Ty (8:54)

I don't understand.

Kate (8:56)

Obviously, we wanted to have another baby, because you're right. I don't know.

Ty (9:00)

I don't know why. What was wrong.

Kate (9:02)

But also, like, when she was born and, like, all. We were in a great place, too.

Ty (9:06)

Oh, yeah.

Kate (9:06)

And it's been great ever since. You know what I mean?

Ty (9:09)

Like, so I almost feel her pregnancy really was, like, a catalyst for. Well, her pregnancy. Yeah, her. Her. Like, you know, you being pregnant with her was a catalyst. Like, all right, listen, Tyler, you can't be silent no more. Baby. New babies come in. Like, you're. You can't be worried that she's. Because then I remember my therapist saying that, like, you have to give her the respect to know how to handle hard stuff.

Kate (9:32)

Okay?

Ty (9:33)

And I was like, okay, but how rude of it is me to tell her how I feel when she just got a treatment. She's all. You know what I mean? And I remember her being like, no. Like, it's. It's like, she's got enough work, she's had enough tools, she's done enough stuff on herself that she, you know, she can handle this. She, you know, give her enough respect to be able to handle it.

Kate (9:52)

Yeah.

Ty (9:53)

I was like, all right. All right, fine. All right.

Kate (9:55)

Yeah. Which obviously was hard, and it was sad for me, for sure. But I was like, all right. If he's gonna go sleep at the house alone, I guess, go for it, you know?

Ty (10:02)

I was the wor. It was actually the worst time ever, because I just got in that little crappy day bed and was like. Like, this is stupid. I remember thinking in my head, like. And it makes me think, though. It's like, listen, like, I, I know that our generation is more self aware and we're going to therapy. Yeah. Which is a great thing. It's a good thing. It's. It's honestly a great thing. On the flip side of that, though, it's like there are times I think when I hear something the therapist says, I'm like, like, it doesn't align with me.

Kate (10:33)

And usually it doesn't feel right.

Ty (10:35)

It doesn't feel right for me. I get why you think that as a therapist and you're telling me this and like, oh, I get why that would apply. Maybe someone else, but to me inside, it doesn't feel that way. I think it goes back to. Remember when you said something about like your therapist mentioned, like doing a. Something with your mom, and I'm like, you know, like having an ultimatum or, or whatever. I can't remember what it was.

Kate (10:57)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ty (10:58)

About her.

Kate (10:59)

Like, she has to have so many.

Ty (11:00)

Days, so many days sober before you even like, remember. And I remember thinking your head like, I don't know, I'm bad there. But something like, I need to. So many days sober. I kept. I'm like, does that fit with you?

Announcer (11:07)

Right?

Ty (11:08)

And you were like, no. I'm like, okay, then you know what? Like, if it's creating more stress for you thinking about, okay, I need to make. It just puts too much pressure sometimes. And if the therapist advice doesn't align.

Kate (11:18)

With you, and then I think it goes. And, but also I think that I feel like it's also up to the, the patient then too, like, if it doesn't fit with you, saying like, that doesn't really feel good to me. Like, is there a different way I could go about it that feels right for me, but still doing it in the positive way or setting good boundaries or whatever. But yeah, I, you know, in, in those moments is when you say, well, that doesn't really feel good for me.

Ty (11:42)

Yeah. And I think it's important to know that in therapy, like, you're in the driver's seat too. So, like, this person is a professional, but at the same time they're giving you this advice and this kind of based off of what your needs are. So you say, say your need, like, hey, that doesn't fit with me.

Kate (11:56)

Right.

Ty (11:56)

That makes me really uncomfortable.

Kate (11:57)

And maybe they will give you another opportunity that does some. The thing that you're trying to get done, but in a way that feels comfortable for you.

Announcer (12:03)

Yes.

Ty (12:03)

I remember even Dr. Drew, or I think it was him who suggested having a funeral for my dad. And I remember being like, absolutely not.

Kate (12:10)

Yeah.

Ty (12:10)

You're like, no, that doesn't fit with me.

Kate (12:13)

Right.

Ty (12:13)

That doesn't make any sense to me.

Kate (12:14)

And then you found out what works for you and what feels good for you. So that way you don't ever have any regrets in the future.

Ty (12:20)

But I think some people have a hard time, like, oh, oh, my therapist, I should do this.

Kate (12:24)

So that's what I'm saying. Speak up and say, no, that doesn't feel right to me. Or I think we can do that a different way because.

Ty (12:30)

Yeah. And I, and I think it's hard to balance it because you don't know if you're uncomfortable. That's. Is that the whole point? The therapist wants you to be comfortable. You need, you know.

Kate (12:39)

Well, change is uncomfortable.

Ty (12:40)

Yeah.

Kate (12:41)

Yeah, right. It is hard to kind of. That's what I mean. Like speaking up and telling them like, that doesn't feel right to me. I bet you they can have. They have a different something. Yeah.

Ty (12:48)

You have to almost have a balance of like your own intuition. And this guided advice is not concrete. It's not written law. The therapist is telling you no. And I. And yeah, like, if it doesn't feel right, yeah, you're right. Just tell a therapist, no, that ain't.

Kate (13:02)

Gonna work for me.

Announcer (13:04)

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. The new year doesn't require a brand new you, but maybe a less burdened you, a less anxious you. Therapy can help you identify what's been holding you back or maybe what's been triggering those anxious moments that you're feeling by offering an unbiased perspective to better understand your relationships, your motivations and your emotions. Therapy has been huge in my life, has helped me discover, you know, what triggers my anxiety, what kind of toxic family systems I was holding on to, and what has been holding me back. And it has helped me learn to, like, let go and work through really tough things. Better helps therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Better Help also does the initial match working for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You fill out a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences. And with their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading, match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. But if you're not happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored racks. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Better help makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Break it down. That's better. H-E-L-P.com Break it down.

Kate (14:35)

But I would have to say so, like, you know, ever since the, like, mental health stuff, though, that we went through, I mean, things have been really good. I think we learned a lot about each other. I think we, you know, how to navigate through life and talk about things and.

Ty (14:50)

What do you think about that? Was Veda?

Kate (14:52)

Yeah, she's.

Ty (14:52)

She's six.

Kate (14:53)

She's, like, gonna be seven years.

Ty (14:54)

Seven pretty soon. So that was, you know, seven years ago.

Kate (14:57)

Longer.

Ty (14:57)

I mean. Yeah. Yeah, true. Because you're pregnant with her. So I think it's one of those things where, like, you know, actually, Becky asked me the question, like, what makes you. How do you keep your relationship so strong when kids get entered the mix? Because I told her when we were. When I was talking to her for her podcast, I was like, hey, like, I think it's really naive to think that you're gonna. It's like people have had this dream, like, oh, it's me and my person. I love them so much. We're just gonna add a little baby that we. That is, like, me and her.

Announcer (15:24)

It is together.

Ty (15:25)

Oh, my God. That's it. It's like, no, no. Everything changes. Your dynamic changes, scheduling changes, effort, mood, just everything changed with it.

Announcer (15:34)

Anything.

Kate (15:34)

You have to talk even more.

Ty (15:35)

Yeah, Yeah, I know, exactly.

Kate (15:37)

Yeah.

Ty (15:38)

So it's like. It's a. It's a totally different. It changes everything. So I think, you know, like, even with Veda, like, Nova's. Nova's experience of being a parent was different and hard. And then beta was like. It's almost. It's crazy when you think about it. Like, dang.

Kate (15:52)

Well, I feel like, too, because, I mean, this is our first time ever being parents and. And, you know, ever living life. So it's like. Yeah, they always say that your children always get a different version of you, which is so true. Like, I was a different parent with Nova. I'm a different parent with Veda. I was a different parent with Raya. Still all the same morals and values, but it's just. I've learned along the way.

Ty (16:13)

Well, and also, it's like, I think you. You're con. Every. Every child's gonna get A different parent because you're at a different stage in life when you had this one, things are different. Now. The second one, they're not. None of these children are gonna get the same exact parent.

Announcer (16:28)

Right.

Ty (16:29)

Even, Even. Even if you have them, you know, three years apart, like, that first child's gonna have a different experience as you as a parent than the second born.

Kate (16:36)

Child or the third. And like I said, you still have, like, the same beliefs and everything. It's just. Yeah, it's hard, but you're at a.

Ty (16:41)

Different understanding of life. And so.

Kate (16:45)

And I think, like, you know, like how you were talking about, talking with Becky or whatever, like, it is harder to be, like, a husband and a wife when you have so many kids and routines and things going on. It's just. You have to make time for that.

Ty (17:00)

Yeah. And I think it's weird, too, because I think people can take it too far where they're like, oh, you know, you have to, like, prioritize spouse over child. And I'm like, I. I understand it to a specific point, but at the same time, I am a parent and you're a parent of the same kid. So I know for a fact I would much rather, if subcontinentally, could just, like, telepathically talk to each other. Like, hey, I. I want you to take care of the kid before you even think about taking care of me. You know what I'm saying? Like, Like, I, I, like, I. But then I hear other people go, oh, no. Like, you need to treat your spouse first and all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, but I feel like me and you are different. Like, I, I, like, it's almost like, oh, save. Save the spouse before you save the kids. It's not happening.

Kate (17:45)

I know it's not happening.

Ty (17:46)

Right, Because I know you would want me to save the kid first. Yeah. So I will not.

Kate (17:53)

I'll try. You know what I'm saying?

Ty (17:54)

Yeah, that's what I mean. And this whole thing, like, oh, like, I can't remember where it was from, but I believe it was from scripture or something, where it's like, oh, the house, the boat was sinking. And then, you know, the husband saves the wife. The wife saves the husband, whatever. And then they save the kids, and I'm ahead. I'm like, that's twisted. Like, I get what you're saying, but also, I know my wife would not want me to save her over our kids. Yeah, I know you would want me to save the kids first. And then if there's. If I can save you I will. You know what I'm saying?

Kate (18:20)

For sure.

Ty (18:20)

But, like, I don't know. It's one of those things where it's like, people think they're just gonna add a little baby in the mix and. No, it changes everything, I think, because I remember.

Kate (18:28)

I remember even. Like, even with Carly, but then even more so with Nova. Like, I remember when she was born, and just, like, the few. Even. Just seconds and minutes afterwards, I looked. The world was. Looked completely different to me.

Ty (18:40)

Yeah.

Kate (18:41)

And I don't think anybody can understand that until they become a parent. Like, everything that. How I ever thought, thought of the world, thought of myself, thought of everything, it completely changed, and the world actually became a very scary place.

Ty (18:54)

Yeah. Remember I told you how, like. Yeah. Whoa. I never realized that all it would take. I mean, I. I'm the weakest person on the planet because all you have to do. If you snatch my kid up.

Announcer (19:04)

Yeah.

Ty (19:05)

And hold a gun to their head and tell me to bite my tongue off.

Kate (19:08)

Right.

Ty (19:09)

I'm gonna bite my. Like, you, like, cut your arm off. I will cut my arm off because you just have my kid in your arms with a. Like, so it. Dude, you don't realize how vulnerable you are to have kids.

Kate (19:18)

Yeah. It changes your whole perspective, Everything. Yeah. And so, of course, that's gonna change how you are, like, in a relationship, too. You know what I mean?

Ty (19:28)

Parenting's hard.

Kate (19:29)

Did Becky say they're doing good, though?

Ty (19:31)

Oh, yeah. She was like, everything. Yeah. She said that everything's great, and that's good.

Kate (19:34)

He's a cutie.

Ty (19:35)

Yeah. Why working.

Kate (19:37)

Speaking of the devils.

Ty (19:40)

Oh, my God, kids.

Kate (19:47)

I can't wait.

Ty (19:48)

I know. I know. I can't wait. Kids, during. Yeah. It's interesting.

Kate (19:54)

Well, it's difficult.

Ty (19:55)

Yeah.

Kate (19:55)

We don't have babysitters and a bunch of help. You know, Your niece moved out, so there goes that.

Ty (20:02)

But it was funny when you were gone, I was thinking. I was like, man, I wonder, like, so many things that I think about, like, if I would have known certain stuff about myself back then, what. What would have been different? Would my reaction have been different or my thought process would have been different?

Kate (20:14)

Well, of course.

Ty (20:15)

You know what? Would I have, like, paused more? But I have, like, I don't know.

Kate (20:19)

Because we grow and we learn. Of course we'd be different. Ten years and a lifetime to go there, honey.

Ty (20:25)

Yeah. If I would have known about my stuff, if being autistic or being on the spectrum, would I have. Would that have changed my therapy for sure. You know what?

Kate (20:34)

I'm saying, like, you jumped right into that, huh?

Ty (20:37)

Well, yeah. I mean, that's. I just. You. I just got me thinking, like, wow, there's so many things that could have been.

Announcer (20:41)

Okay.

Kate (20:41)

But you need to start from the beginning.

Ty (20:43)

Of what?

Kate (20:44)

Like, what even made you want to go and see if you were autistic?

Ty (20:49)

Because Veda.

Kate (20:51)

Okay.

Ty (20:51)

Because going. Seeing her, like, growing up, my mom was just so focused on me not having meltdowns and just being, you know, so that I just thought, oh, I'm just. I'm just a adhd hyper kid. Whatever. All my behavioral issues in school is just because I'm a. Pretty much can't control myself or whatever the hell it was. You know what I mean? So. But then, like, watching Veda and just.

Kate (21:14)

Like, okay, like, school stuff that our teachers.

Ty (21:16)

Yeah. And I'm a little bit more of a. A present parent. I think my mom could have been back then. You know what I mean? So with more knowledge about this kind of stuff, so. Oh, wow. Like, maybe like, you know, just seeing so many things in Veda that I'm like, oh, my God, I get why she's doing that. Right? Oh, my God. When I was a kid, I remember doing that and thinking and like, wondering, why doesn't anyone understand what I'm saying or how important this stupid little thing is to me? You know what I mean? Which.

Kate (21:42)

Yeah.

Ty (21:42)

First thing I notice is that small things that should not be a big deal are huge deal to her.

Kate (21:48)

Oh, to Veda. Yeah.

Ty (21:50)

Like. Like it could be the ponytails. Not right in the thing.

Kate (21:53)

No. I mean, for instance, her nighttime routine is very much like, I have to put the eye mask on her head. We have to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I have to give her a kiss and a hug. And then, you know, it's like. And even one night she was like, opens her door, mom, you didn't put my face mask on. I said, you know how to put it on? Put it on. No, you have to put it on. And I was like, okay. So I went in there and I put it on. So, yeah, she's just very like. And I think you're right, like, going through her school stuff and everything too. I think it probably brought some awareness to you too, because we're learning about Veda and who she is as a person and what helps her.

Announcer (22:27)

Her.

Ty (22:27)

In Her. In her difficulties in school. And it's like, dude, I was kicked out of school.

Kate (22:31)

Yeah.

Ty (22:32)

Multiple daycares. No. Right. But multiple daycares.

Announcer (22:35)

Just.

Ty (22:35)

Just kicked out. Like, not. Not said, hey, you should probably get your son checked out. It was just like, he's crazy. Get him out of here.

Kate (22:41)

Well, because I think people. And I think it's. And I think it's wrong. I think it's because, like, culturally, we look at autism as, like, they have to be severely autistic for it to even come to their mind. When it's like, that's not the case at all. It's a spectrum for a reason.

Ty (22:57)

And I think, like, I don't know, I just remember, like, going, like, going through life thinking, okay, everyone's probably dealing with the same thing that I am. Everyone not. And we're not.

Kate (23:07)

No, My mind does not do that. No, I don't do that. No.

Ty (23:10)

And you're like, what? I know. It's just like, dude, like, how. Oh, it blows my mind to think.

Kate (23:15)

Like, that's, like, the one time we were laying in bed, he's like, did your hat. Does your brain ever just be, like, silent, like, nothing is running through it or, like, saying anything? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, what? Like, there could just be nothing there. And I'm like, yeah, like, just, like.

Ty (23:27)

Even just watching something, and I can almost tell that you. I can almost tell that you're able to do it.

Kate (23:32)

Yeah.

Ty (23:32)

And I remember being a younger kid and watching and being like, oh, okay. Like, I think it makes sense why caffeine just didn't affect me, why certain stuff, just behavioral things didn't make sense. It didn't make sense. And it wasn't that I could just. My mom's biggest thing. Just shut your mouth. Just shut your mouth. Listen.

Kate (23:47)

Right?

Ty (23:48)

And it was, like, in my mind, though, it was like, I, I. It was impossible. It's almost like I didn't have my sleeping mask on. You didn't put it on.

Kate (23:56)

You know what I mean?

Ty (23:56)

So now I'm in the middle. I'm, like, freaking out. It's like, a thing. It's like. It's this. It totally, like, like, overrides your whole thought process.

Kate (24:04)

But then I remember also, before you got tested for autism, you looked up the. What the statistic of, like, people being diagnosed as bipolar, but it's really autism. Right? So it's just a misdiagnosis.

Ty (24:16)

Misdiagnosis. ADHD and bipolar.

Kate (24:18)

And you've been diagnosed with both. Right.

Ty (24:21)

Like, and I remember them telling me that I was bipolar and just feeling inside like, this doesn't sit with me because I'm like, the mood swings are the only thing that's more than that. Well, I mean like, but, but you know, like bipolar's biggest thing is like maniac episodes and coming down and being right low thing for a while and coming up and being euphoric and. Yeah, all this stuff. And I remember thinking like, I just never felt like I had that big.

Kate (24:49)

Of extremes, which I don't think you do either.

Ty (24:51)

You know what I mean?

Kate (24:52)

As far as like the super highs and then super, super lows. Yeah, you're not like that.

Ty (24:55)

It was, but it was the mood swings that the only thing that got me. And so in my head. And then when I was talking to the lady and she was like, well.

Kate (25:01)

It'S because you're talking to what lady?

Ty (25:03)

The lady who was giving me the test and talking for weeks or that.

Kate (25:06)

Woman who did for the autism.

Ty (25:07)

Yes. The whole diagnosis. And she was talking about how she's like, you know, your mood swings are based off of things not going right in your weird little routine so that I won't be able to understand. Your wife will never be able to understand fully. She's like, you know, you can explain as much as you can about how these things operate in your head and how when one thing is just off, it just.

Kate (25:25)

Yeah.

Ty (25:26)

You know, and she's like, so these mood swings come across as in like, oh, you just got something just really frustrated you real quick. And it's like, it's, it's, it's always felt more and than that. And remember you asked me what's wrong with you? And I remember being like, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Kate (25:39)

Yeah. And I'm like, how do you not know nothing even happened? And you're just mad.

Ty (25:43)

And it's like, I think because I wasn't paying attention close enough to what was off that made me that extreme. You know what I mean?

Kate (25:52)

Yeah.

Ty (25:52)

And so like I was so. I was like, when you ask me what's wrong, I don't know. I have no idea. All I know is like that I'm just really frustrated.

Kate (25:59)

Yeah.

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Kate (26:34)

So obviously you did the test and everything, and she came back saying that you were on the spectrum.

Ty (26:38)

Yeah. She was like, you know, she's like, but. But what's really common for your age and being a late, you know, early adult kind of diagnosis is that you are. I ranked super high in masking, which. She's like, what you've done is you've dissected all the things socially, growing up. And she's like. And, you know, what's acceptable and what's not acceptable? It's like, that's what. That's what makes you not on the other extreme side of this.

Kate (27:05)

Okay.

Ty (27:06)

To where, you know, you have to be a certain way to fit in or. Or to seem normal or whatever. And. And, you know, socially.

Kate (27:14)

Okay.

Ty (27:14)

So you do that. She's like, but inside is just a chaotic anxiety storm. And it doesn't come across externally because you've done so much. You're 30. You've been doing it for so long.

Announcer (27:24)

Yeah.

Kate (27:25)

Which is crazy because I remember even being, like, younger and stuff. Like, you were. You were friends with everybody.

Ty (27:30)

Yeah.

Kate (27:30)

You know what I mean?

Ty (27:31)

Yeah.

Kate (27:31)

Everybody liked Ty.

Ty (27:32)

Like, but it was because I was extroverted. I almost, like, took extra being an extrovert, as in, like, to the extreme.

Kate (27:39)

Yeah.

Ty (27:40)

And I remember talking about how, like, well, you know, inside I would be like a. Just a tornado of anxiety and freaking out and worried about all this stuff. And then when I got to the thing that I was anticipating, I would just.

Kate (27:50)

Just very expressive.

Ty (27:52)

Like, it was my only way to get out of it. If I didn't do it, if I didn't enter and do that, I would. I would retreat.

Announcer (27:59)

Like, me.

Ty (28:00)

Yeah. And I wouldn't. And I wouldn't do it. She's like, yeah, that's your. Your coping strategy, is. Is. Is it? That's called masking. She's like, you've done this really well. And then she was also talking about, like, certain hobbies that I had, about reading random stuff.

Kate (28:14)

Oh, yeah. You get like, super into certain things. Like.

Ty (28:17)

And she's like, oh, my gosh. She's like, yeah. So she's like, that's probably why he'll.

Kate (28:21)

Get in rabbit holes out of nowhere. It's like, what the. Up till four in the morning, looking at crazy.

Ty (28:27)

Like, I'll get, like, into something so really quickly and I'll, like, digest so much information about that thing and then. And then I move on and do something else. And she was like, you know, that's probably why it's you're hard to detect because you, like, you. You speak about things that you've learned. And you're so broad. Not very. Not. Not like you're like, not even close to being an expertise in anything. You're just have so much sliver of knowledge of randomness.

Kate (28:52)

Right. A whole bunch of things.

Ty (28:53)

Yeah. It's like that you apply socially, so that way it doesn't seem like anything's wrong with you.

Kate (29:00)

Which is interesting because, like, your dad's very much like that. Like, very. When he gets into a group of people, he' Overly extroverted and stuff too, which is interesting.

Ty (29:08)

And I remember being a kid and be like, you're obnoxious, you're loud.

Kate (29:11)

Like, about yourself.

Ty (29:12)

Yes. And I'm like, well, I feel like I need to be that way.

Kate (29:15)

Well, yeah, because, I mean, everybody loved. Everybody loved you growing up. I mean, Ty would hang out with the jocks, the goths, the orcs, the. You know what I mean? It was. Yeah.

Ty (29:23)

But I think it's interesting because that's what got me so interested in just reading about sociology, because the study of social beings is so interesting. And she was like, it's because you were. That's you trying to figure out the best way to live in it, to be in it. You know, you can't survive in this world without being a social creature. And you figure that out very young. And we all do. And you. So that's what you've done.

Kate (29:49)

So what did it feel? I mean, did. What did it feel like when you got the diagnosis back, that you are on the spectrum?

Ty (29:56)

I.

Kate (29:56)

Did it make sense? Did it make a. Make a lot of things?

Ty (29:59)

Felt like, oh, like a big sigh of relief. And then I got really sad and I was like, wow, you're not really sad. Yeah. Yeah. Because I just thought about all the stuff I went through as a kid because I felt so sad for that little kid who just went and just was like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? Something's wrong. Why am I not normal? Why. Why is this so easily for other people?

Announcer (30:18)

Right?

Kate (30:18)

And probably. Why can't I just shut up?

Ty (30:20)

And I even talked to her when we were talking, and I was like, you know, there are certain things that I felt like I need to do as a kid that just didn't fit with me. I wanted to draw my mom's like, you need to do baseball. You know, I wanted to create stories of my action figures, and she want, like, I knew, and I knew I didn't fit I knew it wasn't right. I knew I didn't fit in with. I tried baseball. It didn't work for me.

Kate (30:39)

Yeah.

Ty (30:40)

And, like, it just made so much sense of, like, why. But see, I look back at my. When a kid, I'm like, wow, poor, poor kid. Like, you just thought something was wrong with you. Why am I not liking this stuff that normal people, like, you know, why am I obsessing about body language? Why am I obsessing about. Why am I focusing on everyone in the corner of the room and hyper fixating on strangers? Do you know what I mean? Like, trying to assess my thing. Why no one else does this? And it drove me. I'm like. When I found out that, like, no one. Not everyone does it that way, I'm like, what?

Kate (31:11)

And I think it's totally. And I think it's normal and it's okay to feel sad for your younger self, but I think that also, it wasn't as known about.

Ty (31:21)

Yeah.

Kate (31:22)

When we were younger. You know what I mean?

Ty (31:24)

Like, but it makes sense. Think about how many times have we gone throughout life and. Tyler, you're too harsh. You're too abrasive. You know, you don't. You can't just say stuff like that.

Announcer (31:34)

Right?

Ty (31:34)

And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, you're right. Like, I. And so even growing up, it's like, dude, like, just saying things unfiltered. Just. I don't even. It doesn't even. I don't. I don't even think about what I'm saying.

Kate (31:46)

Right?

Ty (31:46)

I'm just.

Kate (31:47)

That's always been a problem.

Ty (31:48)

It has. And I. And I'm like, dude. And I remember thinking like, I. Why am I like this? Like, why can't I understand that that would be hard or. Yeah.

Kate (31:57)

Yeah.

Ty (31:57)

Because in my head, I'm like, what's so difficult about it? You know that you have gray hair?

Kate (32:02)

Right. I'm just. Or whatever.

Ty (32:03)

Like, you know, I'm just be like, what. What's the big deal? Like, you know, and like, I think just learning how to balance all that is stressful.

Kate (32:11)

And so do they. Like, so when you get, like, a diagnosis, a diagnosis of being autistic and stuff, do they give you report? Well, no, but do they give you, like, any, like, things you have to do after the fact of finding your autistic? Like, finding out, like, is there specific therapies that you should do?

Announcer (32:26)

Is there.

Ty (32:27)

They have a lot of. Yeah, they give me a lot of suggestions and stuff to read and that kind of stuff. But I'M not diving too deep into it, because I know for a fact when I told her this, I said, listen, I've been dealing with this my whole life. I've been in my own brain. It's the only one I've been in. Yeah, it's exhausting. It's draining, but it's all I've known. So I'm not gonna, like. I'm not gonna, like, dive too deep into this. Like, I am who I am.

Kate (32:51)

But what if there were ways to make it not so exhausting and there's a lot in your brain.

Ty (32:56)

There's not why. There's just not. I could. I could do multiple. I could try multiple different things, but it's just. It's just the way my brain works. And so instead of trying to fix it, I'm just like, okay, let's have. Let's just live with this thing. And I think knowing this information makes me better aware. And I think about going back to. I was talking about therapy. How different would have been if I'd have been felt. Because I remember saying stuff to my therapist. I'm being like, whoa, we're interesting. Like, oh, you know, sketch, whatever, right now. Like, they would. You know they would. The last thing the girl said was like, you know, she's like, sometimes you. You speak, like, try to speak so intelligently, because when you're about to say something not very nice, and I'm like, oh. And she's like, that's. I think about, oh, if I would have known that. And then talking to that girl who was doing the thing with me, it's like, yeah, it's like, that's you trying to, like, fill, rinse, rinse through your. Your. That is like, you, though, like, you know, you can't. Like, you try to be more diplomatic.

Announcer (33:58)

Yeah.

Ty (33:58)

Try to be very diplomatic because you know I'm gonna say something that. Oh, your hair. Your hair is great. I don't think it's a big deal. You think? So I. I'm gonna be like. So we age and you try to, like, over explain.

Kate (34:11)

Right.

Ty (34:11)

Right when I'm gonna say something a little. Might be possibly hurtful. Yeah. Or truthful. Yeah, yeah. Or hard to hear. Or, like, I don't know, like, it's weird.

Kate (34:21)

And so does that make you think, like, should we get beta tested?

Ty (34:26)

I think, yeah, definitely. We definitely should.

Announcer (34:28)

Yeah.

Ty (34:29)

I mean, yeah, for sure.

Kate (34:30)

But then what is that? I mean, what is there, like, classes and stuff that parents can take.

Announcer (34:34)

Take.

Kate (34:35)

Like, they're to teach us, like, how to deal With.

Ty (34:37)

Yeah.

Kate (34:38)

I mean, you know, which since she is so, like, fixated on certain things, or when things don't go.

Ty (34:43)

Gets angry, what it comes down to is that. And I think going back to when I was a kid, what I needed the most was just a clear explanation. You can't tell me because this is how it is. Oh, this is just how it is. Oh. This is the way the world works. It's like. No, no. You know what I'm saying? Like, so I think for Veda, it's like knowing that, like, okay, she has to be explained in detail until I can't explain it no more.

Kate (35:04)

Yeah.

Ty (35:04)

You know what I mean? She needs that thorough explanation.

Kate (35:08)

Yeah, she does. Oh, my God.

Ty (35:10)

Because some people, like. And I remember being a kid and people used to think, like, you're so defiant and, you know, you just don't listen to rules. And it's like, I'm. I'll listen to any rule that makes sense.

Kate (35:20)

Yeah, but not all rules are going to make sense to people.

Ty (35:23)

Then you shouldn't have the rule. You understand?

Kate (35:26)

Life works well.

Ty (35:27)

It's in my head.

Kate (35:28)

No, you understand. No, that doesn't work.

Ty (35:30)

Okay, well. Okay. Why do you make a rule?

Kate (35:33)

To protect people.

Ty (35:34)

Okay, great. So you should be able to explain a rule that can protect somebody and the reason why, why it's in place.

Kate (35:40)

Yeah.

Ty (35:41)

So, yes, all rules should have an explanation of why. If you cannot explain why that rule is in place, then that rule has no merit. It's not valid, it's pointless. What is the point? We don't need the rule then, because there's no cause for the rule that to be.

Kate (35:55)

I mean, I get. Yeah. I mean, you're kind of saying.

Ty (35:57)

So I told. And I told them this a couple days ago, actually. I said, listen. I said, I don't care who it is, a teacher, cop, whatever. If they say, this is how it is, you have a right to say, explain to me why. And you don't accept answers, like, because I said so. Because that's how it is. That's a lazy answer. And you challenge that adult, your peer, whoever it is.

Kate (36:19)

And Nova's got a lot of me in it where she's not gonna push the envelope. She was just like, okay, okay, that's what you're sad.

Ty (36:24)

And see, that as a kid, I was looked at as defiant when really all I was looking for was explanation.

Kate (36:30)

Right?

Ty (36:30)

Like, clarification, Clarify with me why this is the way it is. And that rarely happened. I felt like, as a kid. So then I would just Freak out. And I would be like, this doesn't make any sense.

Kate (36:40)

You know, it's crazy. I feel like our generation too, there's a lot more adults that are getting diagnosed being on the side.

Ty (36:49)

I just read an article that there's. Their scientists are believing that it could be a like trace back to Neanderthal. It could be an actual mutation in genes really, from a Neanderthal days.

Kate (36:59)

The autism.

Ty (37:00)

Yes.

Kate (37:01)

But I wonder what makes such. I wonder like what makes. Because I'm not fully like 100 educated in it, but like, you know, like my cousin's kids. Autistic. We know autistic kids, things like that. But like, what makes it such a spectrum where some are just more severe and then others are super high functioning? Like what?

Ty (37:19)

Well, I think that's. I think it kind of goes down to like down syndrome, for example. Like that that's a very. Someone could be like, you know what I mean? Like, it just, it's, it's just part, it's just how it is.

Kate (37:28)

It's interesting, isn't it though? Because it's like, how can one person be super high functioning but. But still have autistic tendencies and be on the spectrum? And then you have some people who are. Can't live on their own even with autism. And then you have others who can totally have a family and succeed and do things in life and still, you know, like that's kind of.

Ty (37:46)

Or could go your whole life thinking you're, oh, you're just adhd, right? Temper guy, you know what I mean? When really it's like, well, you know, so I don't.

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Ty (39:37)

I, I.

Kate (39:38)

And I think there's people out there too, that are like, oh, like they're just heavy diagnosing it or whatever. And I'm like, no, I think we're just becoming more educated about it and realizing, like, oh, maybe autism is more around than we've ever known. You know, like more people.

Ty (39:54)

I think when people say, oh, you're over diagnosing stuff. And I'm like, well, you know, over diagnosing something isn't really gonna, it's not gonna create a huge problem, in my opinion, because we can always. We're just still learning about stuff. Like, it's like, it's like when the COVID first came out, this was how, oh, now we learn. You learn as things go on. So, so if you don't want to trust somebody that they're over diagnosed, then, then don't trust them. But then you're. Then, then don't cry about it, I guess. You know what I'm saying? Don't want, don't, don't worry about it. Don't even be concerned about it because you're not gonna.

Kate (40:26)

You think you got your autism from your vaccines? Sorry, I just had to say it. There's.

Ty (40:35)

Definitely not. My earliest memory is in the crib ripping wallpaper off, having a timber tantrum room.

Announcer (40:42)

Yeah.

Ty (40:43)

And I remember when I was younger, food can't touch. It was just like, I, like, I had to stop myself from doing somersaults.

Announcer (40:50)

For you.

Kate (40:51)

Yeah, for.

Ty (40:51)

It was, I was addicted to it. It was something wrong with me. People don't even get it.

Kate (40:55)

I don't understand.

Ty (40:57)

I had to.

Kate (40:57)

And your mom thought Something was wrong with you.

Ty (40:59)

I did talk to the girl about that. I said, well, I had times where I was a kid and I would have somersault, and she even was like, what? Can you, like, talk about that more? I'm like, sure. I'd walk in the door, drop the pack. Pack off of my arm, and I would roll, and I would roll on hard floor, off couches and do a somersault. And I never walk.

Kate (41:17)

So when you walk when you were in your house, right, you just never walk. You just roll.

Ty (41:21)

But I would walk everywhere else. I knew I wasn't acceptable.

Kate (41:23)

Okay.

Ty (41:24)

No. I remember going to school and getting, like. I would get the urge. Like, it was a trigger.

Kate (41:29)

Yes.

Ty (41:29)

I get on my desk like. Like, you can't it.

Kate (41:32)

Was it hard for you to force that to, like, not do it?

Ty (41:35)

I had to. Literally. It was like, fighting. And I swear, it's like fighting a dick as a kid where it was like, I had to be like. Like, I walk through a door or something. Or I, like, get off to get off the couch. I like, huh? And I. Oh, no, you can't roll. You are grown and you can't roll. And I remember thinking in my head, you can't roll.

Kate (41:53)

Because what triggered that you think?

Ty (41:55)

I was so into. I was so into action movies and stuff. And so. And I was. Oh, and like, dude, it makes so much. I would always repeat, and I would watch movies over and over again. Like.

Announcer (42:06)

Like.

Ty (42:06)

Like, no kidding. Like, rewind the tape. Like. And Amber would my sister get pissed. Like, oh, my God. And I would watch it, and I would watch it as intently as I did the first time I ever watched it. I'd memorize films, and I would go, and I would, like, do the whole skit. And I was all into, like, that action. So then once I started rolling, I don't know, it's something about it just like.

Kate (42:23)

What made you stop? Was it your mom that said you had to stop?

Ty (42:25)

She was like, tyler, something's going on. I was like, dude, yeah. And my mom was like, like. And I remember be like, mom, I know something's wrong. I knew.

Kate (42:38)

You're like, I'm struggling in school.

Ty (42:40)

I want to roll, and I can't. That's crazy, dude. I knew something was wrong with me.

Kate (42:46)

That's my eyeball.

Ty (42:47)

So I knew it. And she was like, you can't do that no more. And I'm like, you're right. I can't do that no more. I know. I can't roll. I can't ser.

Kate (42:52)

Was she, like, thinking about taking you to a therapist?

Ty (42:53)

That is so. She was like, we got to go somewhere and figure this out. Like, you're. You're OCD or something. Like, you, like, you know what I'm.

Kate (42:58)

Saying, You're rolling around.

Ty (43:00)

Stop rolling everywhere. And one of my sister's friends came over after a couple months or whatever, and he's. And she. And he was like, dude, I didn't. I thought your brother was handicapped. I thought he walked. I didn't know he.

Kate (43:12)

I swear.

Ty (43:13)

He was like, I did not know he could walk. I thought he was, like a perma roller. Like, he just permanently rolled everywhere because he had issues. Because Amber said he has issues. Tyler, what the hell's going on? I remember thinking, like, how weird, because some of her friends were extra, like, hey, Ty. Like, oh, yeah. And I remember being like, they thought.

Kate (43:38)

Something was really wrong with you. Oh, my God. Because you're just rolling around everywhere and, like.

Ty (43:42)

Yeah, so I think that's what it came from. Action movies and just rolling, somersault. And I would act out, and then. I don't know. I couldn't stop.

Kate (43:48)

I mean, it sounds. I mean, what you're. How you're explaining it, like, with the whole movies and watching them on a repeat and all those things. I mean, that makes sense. That sounds like somebody with autism. I mean, it really. You know what I mean? Like, being how they get very interested in things.

Ty (44:01)

And then my mom. I would go and print stuff off, and I would run and read these random stuff. My mom's like, what's going on? And I would, like, you know, I've still. I still do it today. I get hyper obsessed about stuff.

Kate (44:10)

Yeah, you do.

Ty (44:11)

And, like, that's crazy.

Kate (44:14)

I wonder, is autism. Like, it's not hereditary, is it?

Ty (44:18)

Yeah.

Kate (44:19)

You know?

Ty (44:19)

Yes. They believe that it is hereditary. Yes. Yeah.

Kate (44:21)

Because it just makes me think of, like, your dad. Like, your dad has been diagnosed. Bipolar.

Ty (44:25)

I know.

Kate (44:25)

And things like that. Drugs.

Ty (44:27)

Yeah. Okay. And she was like, so what do you do? And I'm like, well, I'm. I, you know, I smoke weed. And she's like, that's like. It was just so common, all the things that you try to do to feel like once you find something undiagnosed. Oh, my God. What makes you feel a sliver? Oh, this is how other people are. Or this is more. Oh, this makes me more. Whatever. Functional. Slow down. Whatever. Don't think about things as much. And that's what you do. You. You. You. You try to, like, almost, you know.

Kate (44:56)

Like, I almost want to go. I want to Google that. Like, because, I mean, it's interesting. I mean. I mean, I'm married to an autistic person. I don't know, you know, like, I have autistic children.

Ty (45:06)

No. For anyone who has gotten, like, diagnosed or anything, like, reading the report is a very. Because every report is going to be different for each individual. But it's a really kind of surreal, intense experience to read yourself. Read it from a. Like. Like myself on a piece of paper with all these things.

Kate (45:27)

It's. Oh, yeah. It says that autism is hereditary, and therefore it does run in families. Oh, wow. A majority, around 80 of autism cases can be linked to inherited genetic mutations. That's crazy.

Ty (45:39)

Yes. Which is why they're thinking that they're tracing it all the way back to Neanderthal. It could be like a mutation in Neanderthals that came kept. We kept breeding and.

Kate (45:46)

But it sounds too like a lot of them have difficulties understanding social cues, which you don't. No, but some people do.

Ty (45:54)

And I thought it was so interesting because when she asked me the question, do you. Like, I had to fill all this stuff and do you understand social cues? And it was like. Because I studied them. Does that make sense? It's not because I genuinely feel. Oh, no. It's like, oh, there it is. Which is why I was so hyper focused on studying body language.

Kate (46:16)

People that don't know normal social cues.

Ty (46:19)

Just irk you to the core, to the fullest.

Kate (46:22)

Like, we had this friend, okay, so we had this friend, you guys, like, that would never leave the house, like, when we were younger. And so, like, he would come over and stuff and be there like, all day. And then finally it gets. It's like nine o' clock at night. I'm like, I'm gonna go take a shower, you know? And I would say it out loud and then I'd get out of the shower, and he's still sitting on the couch. And Tyler, he's like.

Ty (46:40)

So C said, it is night, night. There are crickets going on. I said, I'm gonna take a shower. I guess, I mean, as a. Even as an autistic person, I'm like, oh, social cue. Gotta go, right? They're saying they gotta take a shower. Like, so I wonder if that's why.

Kate (46:54)

It irks you so much too. But people don't get.

Ty (46:55)

No. And guys, I think. I don't know if it's because I'm. I'm so hyper focused on it, but, like, there are so many people who Miss them. The social cues in it, Joe. It just drives me up the wall.

Kate (47:06)

But it's interesting, too, because I remember even, like, with it, them saying that it can be hereditary, that it is hereditary. Actually, that's what it says is. I remember when Veda, like, just Vader being even little, like, baby little, and like, I don't know, Nova just did things. And I know every kid is different. That's what I always told myself. But, like, Nova was just like. Just like, how kind of how Ry is, like, talking using word. Like, just crazy words. And Veda. And I remember I used to always check because they say, like, some autistic kids won't, like, listen to their names. And they. When they're babies, they don't give you smiles. And she would do all those things. So then I would, like, second guess myself and be like, no, there's not. But with it being a spectrum, it's like. I remember when we used to say, like, why isn't she talking? I mean, she didn't talk until she was, like, four.

Ty (47:51)

Yeah.

Kate (47:52)

You know, she wouldn't really talk. She would use, like, different. I don't know, like, cues that. I knew what it meant.

Ty (47:59)

She learned.

Kate (48:00)

Yeah. But she would get. And she would. I remember there was a point in her life where she would just get overly frustrated when we didn't understand what she was trying to say.

Ty (48:10)

Huge.

Kate (48:11)

And it would, like, frustrate her so much to where she'd become angry and, like, cry and, like, scream because. Yeah, because we weren't understanding what she was saying. And I mean, I'm so. I'm thankful for, like, the elementary school we're in and the community that. That we're in, because they've done a lot. Like, Veda has grown so much.

Ty (48:30)

Oh, yeah.

Kate (48:30)

And it's because of putting things in place, but it just makes me think. I'm like, wow, she really. We should probably really get her.

Ty (48:36)

No. Here's what makes me sad, though, is that those things that were taking precautions with Veda, I was labeled as odd, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I was labeled as adh. I was late. You know what I mean?

Kate (48:48)

Yeah.

Ty (48:48)

Anger kid, bad kid.

Kate (48:49)

Just bad behavior.

Ty (48:51)

Yeah. You could, can't you? Because she gets to the point, like, oh, my God, this kid's just a bad kid.

Kate (48:55)

She's just crazy.

Ty (48:56)

Yeah. She's just, you know, she's not paying attention. She just. She's wild. She's feral.

Kate (48:59)

Right.

Ty (49:00)

And that's why I remember being a younger kid and being fed that as a. So much okay, I'm just a feral kid. I'm a wild kid. I. Whatever, you know what I mean? And you identify yourself like.

Kate (49:11)

And I think parents need to be cautious of like, don't say things in front of your children like that. Because same thing. Like, when I was growing up, they. People used to always call my sister the devil's child. You know what I mean? And like, like kids are not dumb. And you know, and I've learned even just like from, you know, being with you and learning about you as we've whatever, been married and been together, but it's just like, of course you're going to think that you're the crazy kid and the hard handle kid and the angry kid and the. You know what I mean? Because that's all you were hearing around you from the adults around you. Yeah.

Ty (49:43)

And also watching other kids not be like me. I think it'd be different if I saw other kids acting like me all the time, you know, I mean, but I didn't.

Kate (49:50)

So it made a lot of things make sense.

Ty (49:52)

Beta really helped me. She inspired me to go. I'm like, listen. Like, I kept thinking in my head and hearing the same things people were saying about Veda. Like, she just so. Oh, she's just so stuck in her way. She's so stubborn. She's all this. And it's like they're already starting to label the kid. You're already doing it. Like, you're already like.

Kate (50:07)

And I remember, remember when she was little and because she would like, she would get very angry and stuff, but. And I remember, remember we used a word. We wouldn't even say the negative words.

Ty (50:14)

No.

Kate (50:15)

And one of our friends actually helped us with that and she was like, why don't you use the word spunky? And I'm like, you're right. You know, and so then we would always say like, oh. Like. Cuz when people would like say something about us to Vader and if V is around, like, no, she's just spunky. Yeah, she's got a lot of fire.

Ty (50:30)

Yeah. Fire. Yeah.

Kate (50:31)

One day. And I say to this day, I'm like, I. That girl, when she gets older, you know, nobody's gonna walk all over her. Like, she's gonna be unstoppable because she knows what she wants, she's gonna get it and she's gonna have her routine in place to do it. Use the. You spin it into a positive like, oh, she's so stubborn and crazy. It's like, no, she's spunky. And she knows what she wants in life and she's gonna do whatever she needs to do to get it. Like.

Ty (50:56)

And I think it's easy when you know that this is what they're dealing with. You just try to make it make sense for them in the world.

Kate (51:01)

But to say that it's not overwhelming and hard.

Ty (51:04)

I know, babe, it is.

Kate (51:05)

But I think it helps. I think, like, even just with you getting the diagnosis and just seeing how she is, I think it does help, you know, for me to like, stuff step. To step back and be like, okay. It's because she stepped in dog slobber and it pissed her the off because she struggles with sensory stuff.

Ty (51:22)

Yeah.

Kate (51:23)

And you know what I mean? So it's just like, okay, more.

Ty (51:26)

There's more empathy. It's like, okay, yeah.

Kate (51:28)

Like, her and Rya were fighting the other day in the bedroom, in their bedroom about playing Barbies together. And you know, some days I'll be like, oh, my gosh, you guys just play together, whatever. But I actually. I went in there and I like, sat them both down and with Beta, and I was like, listen, we just.

Announcer (51:43)

Have to play kind.

Kate (51:44)

And sometimes people don't want to play with each other. And I have this whole conversation with them. And Beta was sitting on my lap crying, and I was talking to him. And then literally after that conversation I had because I thoroughly explained everything and about people. They started like playing together. I mean, I was like, oh, my gosh, that only took three minutes.

Ty (52:01)

And I wonder if it's because in Veda's head it's not making sense to her.

Kate (52:05)

Right.

Ty (52:05)

So she needs an explanation, you know? Yeah. She just needs an explanation. I feel like I thought I got more of that as a kid.

Announcer (52:10)

Kid.

Ty (52:10)

I wouldn't have had so many issues.

Kate (52:12)

Yeah.

Ty (52:13)

And it's like so sad to think about all that. Poor kid. It was so labeled and just so. And then my poor mom.

Kate (52:18)

Yeah.

Ty (52:19)

Thinking that everyone else is talking. She's got a feral devil kid. She's gonna. She's believing in herself. She said that she remembers going to room her bed and crying, thinking, what is going to happen with him? How is he gonna live in the world? Also talked about that there was about the whole constipation thing. I was gonna control if I. Or not. And I was going to be the first human being to not have to do it. And I remember that.

Kate (52:38)

I don't think you've ever told people no.

Ty (52:40)

Dude. Okay, guys, I was. I would hold my. It wasn't. I was constipated. I held it I forced myself to be constipated. Does that make, you know.

Kate (52:48)

I mean, how old do you think that started?

Ty (52:49)

That started before I even moved out of the trailer. So I was probably, like, four.

Kate (52:53)

Okay.

Ty (52:53)

So I was like, probably Raya's age.

Kate (52:55)

Oh.

Ty (52:55)

And I. And I just. And it was a thing. My mom had to give me enemas. It was torture. It was crazy.

Kate (53:01)

But you really had the mindset of, like, I'm the first human.

Ty (53:03)

Yes.

Kate (53:04)

That never shits.

Ty (53:05)

Yep, I will. Because I hated it. I hated the feeling. I hated. I hated the. The preparation work it took. I hated all of it. It's disgusting. I hated it. I couldn't do. I, like, as a kid. This is so stupid that we have to do this. And I remember thinking my head, like, I'll just. And then once I. Once I held it for like, the first week, I was like, oh.

Kate (53:25)

Why.

Ty (53:25)

Is everyone doing this? We don't need toilets, guys. You can just hold it. It's fine. And your mom's like, no, I've done it. I'm doing it. I remember walking as a little kid thing. I'm like, you guys are all stupid. Stupid.

Kate (53:35)

Like, no, but his mom says that he used to literally. She also should be like, oh, there's Tyler holding his poop in because he'd get up on his tippy toes.

Ty (53:41)

And I go in the corner and then they tie. I'm like, don't talk to me.

Kate (53:45)

Let it pass, because that hurts.

Ty (53:47)

Oh, you know, extremely painful. But it was only extremely painful for, like, five minutes. So I knew if I suffered in the corner and just waited, it would go away.

Kate (53:55)

And you just didn't want to do. Because it was gross.

Ty (53:57)

It was gross. I don't like the time it took to go in the bath. I hated. I hated. I hated the idea of wiping, washing hand. I just hated all of it. All of it.

Kate (54:04)

It weird.

Ty (54:05)

Hated it with a passion.

Kate (54:06)

So what made you get over that?

Ty (54:08)

My mom said I would die.

Kate (54:09)

Okay.

Ty (54:10)

She said, you. That is poison, and your body needs to get rid of it. If you don't get rid of the poison, it'll create a pocket inside your body, and the poison will go in that pocket and you will die. And I read. Oh, my God.

Kate (54:25)

So then after that, you started.

Ty (54:27)

I was so happy, by the way. Ma, come look. I come here. Come on my. Look, look, look.

Kate (54:30)

You know, I mean, probably like, this is all I had to take.

Ty (54:32)

All it took was so. That thorough explanation, you know? And she did at that spring. So you're gonna Die. I remember being a toilet one day. She's like, if you don't, you are gonna die. Like, oh, my God. Like, what? And she explained it that in that way, poison exit. You don't exit. Make a pocket goes in your body. You're dead.

Kate (54:51)

And then after that day you just heard on the toilet.

Ty (54:54)

Yep. Yep. I'm like, that's what. I guess I'm gonna have to be a human. Okay. Gotta give up my fight, right?

Kate (55:00)

That's crazy.

Ty (55:00)

And I would probably. The longest I went was probably three weeks.

Kate (55:02)

Weeks without.

Ty (55:03)

Yeah. We'll go to hospital, they're gonna cut you open, and then she comes take.

Kate (55:08)

You to the hospital. Or she always just did the enemas.

Ty (55:10)

No, she's. Enemas. Yeah. Around the house. I mean. No, she's like, honey, I might have to get the bottle out. Not the bottle. Does it look like a bottle? You know what? I'm about to douche things with the blue.

Kate (55:23)

Yeah. We've had to give one of our kids an animal before.

Announcer (55:25)

Yeah.

Ty (55:26)

So she's d. My poor mom. She chased me around the house. Yeah. Four or five, screaming bloody murder. She had to pin me down and show it up. It was violating. And so that trauma. So then that on top of it, just was no good. It created chaos. It. It brought in pain. It was. You know, because when you're constantly that long, it hurts.

Kate (55:51)

Yeah.

Ty (55:51)

So just. Dude.

Kate (55:54)

And then when you get an enema, I'm sure you're like, on the toilet and your brain's out.

Ty (55:57)

You are.

Kate (55:57)

Yeah.

Ty (55:58)

And it hurts.

Kate (55:58)

Oh.

Ty (55:59)

And so I would just be like, you know, I remember thinking my head. Why are you doing this to me? Oh, like, why are you doing this to me?

Kate (56:04)

She doesn't want you mad. She was true. Like, you're gonna die.

Ty (56:10)

Because I was gonna ask you, like, as my wife, what. What did you think when. Because I remember actually, like, I remember thinking about it slightly with Veda, but then you kept saying stuff. Stuff. I had points about them watching TV or something. Well, I think you got the tism. You something. Like you need to go. Something going on.

Kate (56:27)

I think what brought me awareness of the spectrum was watching Love on the Spectrum.

Ty (56:34)

Oh, yeah.

Kate (56:35)

And some of their different, like, tendencies and weird things and stuff and just like, the way that you. Yeah. Things that you do. And I'm like, oh, wait, maybe like, this kind of makes sense. Like the way that we'll be watching, like, a random commercial will come on and be like, do you know whose voice that is? And I'm like, No, I don't. And, like, he just knows the voice. And they're. He'll be like, does that person look familiar? Do you know where that person's from? No, I don't. He just, like, knows where all these people are from. Certain songs in the background I'll be playing in a commercial. He's like, hey, that song is from this and this and this and this. And I'm like, wait, wait, what? So it's just like, weird little things.

Ty (57:04)

Yeah.

Kate (57:05)

And I'd be like, maybe you are autistic.

Ty (57:07)

He's like, that. You and that tism thing. Yeah, whatever.

Kate (57:11)

And then he finally got tested, and it was true. And I was like, oh, it kind of maybe makes sense.

Ty (57:15)

Like, what else do you see? Like, do you. Because I think.

Kate (57:18)

I think with you, it's definitely the memorizing. Like, just knowing. Weird, random. That. Not people hold in their brains. Like, with, like, random people. Right. Like, random things, annoying stuff that takes space. But it really. I think we should. I think we definitely should probably pay and get beta tested.

Ty (57:38)

Yeah.

Kate (57:39)

And just. Can she go through the same place you went through?

Ty (57:42)

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Kate (57:42)

But would she have to see her in person or, like. Like.

Ty (57:46)

Well, I don't know. They. I guess it might be different for kids versus adults. I'm not really sure, but I can ask her and see. But she. I told her a little stuff about beta and she was like, yeah, I would.

Kate (57:56)

Yeah, I bet you going.

Ty (57:57)

And she's like. And she said, good for you for even, like, thinking about it.

Kate (58:01)

I think it's awesome that your child inspired you.

Ty (58:03)

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting because people. I think kids teach a lot more than you can teach kids. Teach your kids how to survive and whatever, but, like, they teach you a.

Kate (58:12)

Whole bunch of stuff, different things of life. Yeah. And I think. And I think that's kind of something beautiful like Veda, because Vedas had a safe space to be expressive of herself. And, you know, parents who are listening and watching and noticing things.

Ty (58:26)

It's so sad.

Kate (58:27)

Yeah.

Ty (58:28)

Because I got. Dude, I just think about myself as a kid and just. Oh, I remember walking past my mom's room and hearing her cry, saying, please, Lord, help my son, please. Like, you know, I remember thinking my head, like, then I go back to my room and being like, I am such a Upset up.

Kate (58:42)

Yeah.

Ty (58:43)

I am the worst thing that ever happened. No, I know. And so being a kid, like, this is so stupid. And like, I wonder if that had anything to do with, like, my connection with my dad.

Kate (58:52)

Oh. A whole bunch.

Ty (58:52)

All the stuff. And then when it didn't happen, just thinking, like, this is. I'm. This is exhausting.

Kate (58:57)

Yeah.

Ty (58:57)

Like, there's no way a human being can live like this their whole life. And, like, you know what I mean?

Kate (59:03)

Well, I think. I think that you are a beautiful human.

Ty (59:08)

Thanks, man.

Kate (59:09)

You are.

Ty (59:10)

Even with my little issues and. But I think. I think it helps me. It helped me understand, too. Like. Like, be. Or at least be more aware of my communication style and all the things that I've said and done, like, quickly, without thinking or whatever. Like, it just. I don't know.

Kate (59:29)

Everything makes it make sense.

Ty (59:31)

Yeah. Like, why, like, dude, bro, why did you say that? So I think, like. Like, just, like, forcing myself to pause a lot.

Kate (59:41)

Yeah. Which is hard.

Ty (59:42)

It is hard. Especially when things are happening so fast and people are just not getting it. So then I'm like, oh, my God.

Kate (59:50)

Well, I love you.

Ty (59:52)

I love you, too. Happy 10 years.

Kate (59:54)

Happy 10 years. I know. Well. And I think we'll definitely keep you guys updated. I definitely want to get beta tested too. And like I said, just, like, you know, parents need to get educated.

Ty (60:03)

Yeah. If anyone's listening out there, can you, like, relate to anything that I'm saying? Like, that'd be great. I need some validation here because I have not talked about. About it publicly. I haven't, like, said anything about being autistic ever, you know?

Kate (60:15)

Yeah.

Ty (60:15)

So it'd be nice to, like, I don't know, hear some other people's experiences because everyone's gonna have a different one.

Kate (60:21)

Oh, yeah, they are.

Ty (60:22)

Like, the girl told me, she's like, you're. You're. You're. Your diagnosis report is gonna be different from everyone else's.

Announcer (60:26)

Well, right.

Ty (60:27)

Because it's a masculine level's different than other people. Like, it's. Yeah. But I think, like, just learning about it is. I'm still learning about it. That's why probably I haven't said anything publicly. I'm still digesting it. I'm still, like, figuring it out.

Kate (60:39)

I think it's good to be talked about though, too, you know, anyone to.

Ty (60:41)

Listen, like, you can relate. Like, let me know.

Kate (60:44)

Oh, I bet you. No, I bet you they can. I bet you they can. But I definitely. Yeah. And I want to get beta tested and learn stuff just, like, as our parent, how we can better support her. And I think that that, in turn, also helps you learn more about yourself also, you know? So we'll make sure you guys, like and review our show and definitely check out our Patreon page page I always share about it. We'll be talking to you guys next.

Ty (61:09)

Week on Kate and Ty. Break it down. Thank you very much.

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Adam Rippon (61:46)

Hi, I'm Adam Rippon and this is Intrusive Thoughts, the podcast where I finally say the stuff out loud that's been living rent free in my head for years. From dumb decisions to awkward moments I probably should have kept to myself. Nothing's off limits. Yes, I'm talking about the time I lost my phone mid flight and still haven't truly emotionally recovered from that. There might be too many sound effects. I've been told to chill. Will I? Unclear, but if you've ever laid awake at night cringing at something you said five years ago, congratulations. You found your people. Intrusive Thoughts with Adam Rippon is available now wherever you get your podcasts.