Podcast Summary: Cate & Ty Break It Down

Episode: ENCORE Pay-to-Play: The Marketing & Broken Promises In Adoption feat. Connor Howe
Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Catelynn ("Kate") and Tyler ("Ty") Baltierra (PodcastOne)
Guest: Connor Howe (@adoptedconnor)

Main Theme

This episode centers on the realities of modern adoption, focusing especially on the marketing, legal structures, and broken promises inherent in the private adoption industry. Catelynn and Tyler, known for their very public experience as birth parents in an open adoption, are joined by Connor Howe, a prominent adoptee and advocate, who shares his experiences and research about the adoption ecosystem—its marketing tactics, history, and the psychological complexities faced by adoptees and birth families.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction to Connor Howe & His Mission

• [01:36] Connor introduces himself, known as "adoptedconnor" on social media, and explains why he uses his platform to educate people on adoption.
• He describes feeling underrepresented as someone from an open adoption who still experienced pain, refuting the idea that "openness" fixes everything.
  • Connor: "People don't realize that open adoption isn't the solution that it's been presented as basically." [03:10]

The Myth and Marketing of Open Adoption

• [03:57] Connor outlines the history of open adoption: how its rise was largely a business tactic in response to changing legal and social landscapes (e.g., after Roe v. Wade, shrinking adoption markets).
• Agencies market open adoption as "rainbows and unicorns," but the term is so broad that it often lacks practical, legal enforceability.
  • Connor: "It was...really a value proposition...agencies are trying to figure out how do we continue to facilitate options because we don't want to go out of business." [03:57]
  • Kate: “Even for birth parents…it was very much like open adoption is beautiful and...your child’s gonna know you and not have any questions. And it’s like, well, really? That’s not 100% accurate.” [03:40]

Legal Realities & Record Sealing

• [07:16] Connor investigates the difference between closed and open adoptions—the main legal difference is often just access to birth records, not contact.
  • Many adoptees, even in open adoptions, can't access their original birth certificates.
  • Only 15-20 U.S. states grant adult adoptees original birth certificate access.
  • Sealed records remain a bipartisan issue largely left unchanged for decades.

Coercion and Unenforceable Agreements

• [12:03] Tyler and Connor argue that non-binding open adoption agreements serve as a form of coercion and marketing rather than authentic commitment.
  • "If it's not legally enforceable, then what else is this piece of paper...doing in the middle of a bunch of legally binding paperwork?" [12:24, Ty]
  • Adoption is fundamentally a transfer of rights—but is constructed as a rosy, ethical process by an industry seeking self-preservation.

International and Historical Context

• [13:18] The U.S. model of adoption is virtually unique among developed nations due to its lack of a social safety net, making adoption far more common and market-driven.
  • Connor summarizes: "Safety nets basically eradicate the need for adoption." [13:18]
  • American legal adoption didn't exist until the 19th century—before that, care for children happened informally or through guardianships.

Marketing & "Pay-to-Play"

• [14:51], [29:18] Connor, as a professional marketer, breaks down how agencies spend exorbitantly on marketing—sometimes $10,000+ per available infant—vastly more than for high-value consumer goods like vehicles.
  • Agencies market not to adoptive parents, but to source children from vulnerable women, often actively seeking out marginalized groups (e.g., non-English speakers, undocumented immigrants).
    • “What other industry markets not to the buyer, but to the source of the product?” [31:21, Connor]
  • “Cash for Birth Moms” and similar language is commonly used in agency ads—Connor urges prospective adoptive parents to scrutinize agency ads to see their real values.

The Consultant/Facilitator Ecosystem

• [34:13] An unregulated consulting network now exists where "adoption consultants" and "facilitators" act as middlemen, driving up costs and separating expectant parents and potential adopters even further from each other and from the adoption agencies themselves. The Federal Trade Commission recently issued warning letters to consultants.

Class, Privilege, and Celebrity Adoption

• [37:10] Discussion of how celebrities/influencers easily "cut in line" due to wealth and visibility, confirming that adoption operates as a "pay-to-play" system.
  • "If money wasn’t the end all be all game, then [celebrity adoptions] wouldn't happen." [37:48, Ty]
  • Same market logic marginalizes subgroups over decades (single parents, Black families, LGBTQ families), reinforcing class and racial biases.

The Psychological Toll of Open Adoption

• [40:42] Connor shares a deeply personal narrative: growing up in an open adoption, enduring annual visits, and the persistent emotional pain, longing, and feelings of being a perpetual outsider.
  • “People talk about open adoption like it's great...But it really creates this...You're a kid, and you're just fantasizing about what your life would look like if you were living with her...” [45:08]
• The recurrent theme: open adoption doesn't shield adoptees or birth families from struggle or trauma, it often complicates it.

Therapy, Education & Lack of Support

• [54:37] Most therapists know almost nothing about adoption (10 minutes of undergrad training on average). Adoptees and everyone involved are more likely to need therapy, but few resources exist.
  • Australia offers free therapy to adoptees; U.S. agencies focus almost entirely on marketing and procurement over aftercare.

Advocacy, Systemic Change and Broken Promises

• [61:53], [65:59] The trio returns to why the current system so persistently fails those it claims to serve.
  • Promises are made to all three groups (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents) yet often broken, with no mechanism for accountability or redress.
  • “The system shouldn't make promises if they can’t keep those promises.” [84:51, Connor]

Adoption is a Marketplace, Not Child Welfare

• [76:59], [77:14] Privatized adoption in the U.S. runs as a marketplace—a model that produces perverse incentives, commodifies children, and frequently prioritizes wealthy consumers over children or families in need.
  • Connor: “It is weird that we are selling children…The point isn’t the number on my head, the point is that there’s a number on my head at all.” [77:17]

Broad Advice to Adoptees and Allies

• [80:22] Connor urges adoptees to educate themselves through community (podcasts, books) and to listen deeply to other voices—especially adoptees with diverse experiences.
  • “It’s so easy to say, well, if I were an adopted person, blood wouldn’t matter to me…But you don’t know that.” [81:47]

The Haunting Reality: Adoption as Emergency “Fail-Safe”

• [90:28] Public discomfort with adoption reform is rooted in seeing adoption as the “emergency life raft” of society—even for those unlikely to ever use it—making systemic change an uphill battle.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Open Adoption Realities

"People don't realize that open adoption isn't the solution that it's been presented as basically."
— Connor Howe, [03:10]

On Legal Non-Enforcement

"If it's not legally enforceable, then what else is this piece of paper...doing in the middle of a bunch of legally binding paperwork?"
— Ty, [12:24]

On Marketing Tactics

"What other industry markets not to the buyer, but to the source of the product? It's a very weird, weird, shady thing."
— Connor Howe, [31:21]

On Class and Access

"If money wasn’t the end all be all game, then [celebrity adoptions] wouldn't happen. So that's proof, in my opinion...It's just pay to play."
— Ty, [37:48]; Connor, [37:54]

On Psychological Toll

"Every time I see my siblings...my mom...I don't leave until someone's like, all right, you know, like, you get the hint...every single minute matters to me down to the second. And to leave is such a bitter, you know, feeling."
— Connor Howe, [57:00]

On Accountability

"Where are the adoption agencies coming up to us and being like, what do we need to do to be better? No one. No one holds themselves accountable in this business."
— Connor Howe, [21:16]

On Systemic Failure

"The point isn't the number on my head, the point is that there's a number on my head at all...it feels weird no matter what the number is."
— Connor Howe, [77:17]

On the Real Purpose of Adoption

“As long as adoption runs and operates as a service for adults to become parents, I don't think it’s ever gonna...'— Ty, [91:28]

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [01:36] Guest intro and Connor’s social media work
• [03:10] The myth of open adoption as a panacea
• [07:16] Legal distinction: "open" vs. "closed" is about paperwork, not relationships
• [12:03] Open adoption agreements: Coercion and hollow promises
• [13:18] Comparison to international adoption models
• [14:51], [29:18] Pay-to-play: Marketing, business structures, and financial incentives
• [34:13] Consultants, facilitators, and the new "gray" market
• [37:10] Privilege and access: Celebrities, class, and jumping the line
• [40:42] Connor’s personal open adoption journey and psychological aftermath
• [54:37] Therapy gaps and the lack of professional support
• [76:59], [77:14] Privatized adoption framed as a marketplace
• [80:22] Advice to adoptees: Build community, seek out multiple perspectives

Tone/Speaker Dynamic

• The tone is earnest, frequently passionate, but also deeply empathetic and self-aware.
• Catelynn and Tyler’s experience as public, often-criticized birth parents offers a unique and vulnerable counterpoint to Connor’s insider-outsider adoptee perspective.
• Connor balances personal narrative with incisive history and policy analysis.
• There is a recurring “we just want it to be better for the next generation” motif.

Resources & Further Listening

• Find Connor at @adoptedconnor on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
• Recommended books: "The Primal Wound" (Nancy Verrier), "You Don’t Look Adopted" (Anne Heffron), "All You Can Ever Know" (Nicole Chung), "Poverty by America" (Matthew Desmond).
• For adoptee-competent therapists: Search "Adoptee Therapist Directory."

Final Thoughts
This episode is a raw, eye-opening exploration of American adoption: exposing the marketing, business imperatives, and trauma beneath glossy narratives. The conversation is a must-listen for anyone connected to or curious about adoption—especially those considering it, or who wish to be effective and empathetic allies to adoptees and birth families.