Meeting Becky: Being Kail's friend, her coming out story & the grueling IVF journey

Summary

Cate & Ty Break It Down: Episode Summary – "Meeting Becky: Being Kail's Friend, Her Coming Out Story & the Grueling IVF Journey"

In this heartfelt and candid episode of Cate & Ty Break It Down, hosts Catelynn (Cate) and Tyler (Ty) Baltierra welcome their guest, Becky, an old friend from their MTV reality TV days, to delve deep into her personal journey. Released on February 26, 2025, this episode explores themes of friendship, identity, coming out, and the challenging path of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) as a lesbian couple.

1. Reconnecting with Becky

The episode begins with Cate and Ty catching up with Becky, reminiscing about their past interactions and the limited occasions they previously shared. Becky explains, “[02:28] I met Kail in 2012 through mutual friends, and we've always maintained a playful and friendly dynamic,” highlighting the longstanding but intermittently active friendship between them.

2. Clearing Up Past Rumors

Becky addresses longstanding rumors about her relationship with Kail, clarifying misunderstandings that arose during the time Kail and Javi (Tyler’s partner) went through their divorce. She shares, “[03:12] There were rumors about me and Kail dating, which weren’t true. We never had that kind of relationship,” effectively dispelling misconceptions and emphasizing the importance of honest communication.

3. Becky's Coming Out Journey

A significant portion of the conversation focuses on Becky’s experience coming out. She recounts, “[13:20] Everyone knew I was gay before I officially came out because I was always open about my nature,” illustrating the subtle yet persistent signs of her true self long before her formal announcement. Becky details the challenges of growing up in a small, predominantly white town with little to no queer representation, stating, “[13:27] I didn’t see queer people represented anywhere growing up, which made understanding and accepting my identity more complicated.”

Her journey took a pivotal turn in college, where she finally embraced her true self. “[15:24] It wasn’t until I met my first girlfriend that everything clicked, and I realized what genuine love felt like,” Becky shares, emphasizing the transformative power of authentic relationships.

4. Navigating IVF as a Lesbian Couple

Transitioning to her family-building journey, Becky and her wife Leah discuss their IVF process in detail. “[33:25] IVF is a lot for anyone, especially as a queer couple,” Becky begins, setting the stage for an in-depth exploration of their experiences. They opted for CO-IVF (Co-In Vitro Fertilization), allowing both partners to carry embryos, fostering a deeper connection to the pregnancy.

Becky highlights the emotional and financial hurdles they faced, including navigating genetic counseling and dealing with the high costs of IVF. “[34:22] IVF costs are private and vary by clinic, so we had to price shop to manage expenses,” she explains. Despite choosing a more affordable clinic, Becky admits, “[35:52] Our experience has been awful in terms of treatment, feeling like just another number, but we persevered because we believe in our path.”

5. Emotional Toll and Mental Health

The emotional strain of IVF is palpable as Becky shares her personal struggles. “[42:40] I had a mental breakdown after my first retrieval when I only got one embryo,” she confesses, shedding light on the often-overlooked psychological impact of fertility treatments. Cate and Ty emphasize the importance of mental health support, with Becky advocating for therapy and comprehensive care during the IVF process.

6. Leah’s Pregnancy and Future Plans

A moment of joy arises when Becky reveals that Leah’s transfer was successful. “[44:34] Leah’s transfer did take, and she’s now six weeks pregnant,” Becky announces with elation. This milestone not only signifies the fruition of their efforts but also highlights the resilience and unwavering support within their relationship.

They discuss future plans, including potentially having Becky carry embryos for Leah, ensuring a shared and supportive parenting journey. “[46:05] It was important for me to carry a piece of Leah, reinforcing our bond and commitment,” Becky explains, showcasing the depth of their partnership.

7. The Importance of Authenticity and Support Networks

Throughout the episode, the significance of authentic relationships and supportive communities is a recurring theme. Becky emphasizes, “[20:40] If someone is hiding a part of themselves, it’s never their issue but a reflection of the world around them,” advocating for acceptance and understanding in personal relationships.

Cate and Ty echo this sentiment, discussing how their own long-term commitment and support networks have fortified their marriages and personal growth. “[12:01] Life’s too great to spend it without someone you love,” Cate states, reinforcing the episode’s overarching message of love, resilience, and community.

8. Concluding Reflections and Future Horizons

As the conversation wraps up, Becky reflects on the importance of sharing personal stories to inspire and support others facing similar challenges. “[58:47] Life’s pain is universal, and sharing our stories can help others feel less alone,” she remarks, encapsulating the episode’s essence.

Cate and Ty commend Becky for her vulnerability and strength, recognizing the broader impact of her journey on their listeners. “[60:33] Your journey offers hope and representation for many,” Ty adds, underscoring the episode’s inspirational undertones.

Notable Quotes

• Becky on IVF and Mental Health:

  • “[34:22] IVF costs are private and vary by clinic, so we had to price shop to manage expenses.”
  • “[42:40] I had a mental breakdown after my first retrieval when I only got one embryo.”

• Becky on Coming Out:

  • “[13:20] Everyone knew I was gay before I officially came out because I was always open about my nature.”
  • “[15:24] It wasn’t until I met my first girlfriend that everything clicked, and I realized what genuine love felt like.”

• Cate on Relationships:

  • “[12:01] Life’s too great to spend it without someone you love.”

Final Thoughts

In this episode, Becky’s openness about her journey—from navigating complex friendships and coming out to overcoming the emotional and financial challenges of IVF—provides a compelling narrative of love, resilience, and personal growth. Cate and Ty Facilitate a meaningful dialogue that not only entertains but also offers profound insights into the multifaceted experiences of modern parenthood and identity.

Listeners are left inspired by Becky’s strength and the supportive dynamics of her relationship with Leah, underscoring the episode’s core message: embracing one’s true self and surrounding oneself with genuine, supportive relationships can lead to profound personal fulfillment and happiness.

For more stories like Becky’s and to join Cate and Ty on their journey beyond reality TV, tune into Cate & Ty Break It Down on PodcastOne.

Transcript

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[C]

Welcome back to Kate and Ty. Break it down.

[B]

What's up, Becky?

[A]

What's up, guys?

[B]

What's happening?

[A]

How are we?

[B]

We're great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We don't really know who you are, but that's why we're doing this. What's a better way?

[C]

I was gonna say no. Like, I've met Becky, you know, I think I said Ben more than once.

[A]

Yeah. We met at a bunch of reunions.

[C]

And it was years ago.

[A]

Like, years ago, you guys, which is wild.

[B]

Already met multiple times.

[A]

Yeah. We just haven't met. We haven't had the pleasure of meeting it.

[B]

Where was I?

[C]

I don't know. But.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I must have been home with the kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Obviously weren't there.

[A]

How many went out to dinner? It had to have been eight years ago.

[C]

It was a very long time ago.

[A]

Yeah. Seven. Seven years ago. Eight.

[B]

Oh. So we only had one kid.

[C]

If a kid at that point. Like, it's been a long. It's been a while. It really has.

[A]

I know. One time you were pregnant.

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So it had to be Nova.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

So it's been a minute.

[A]

Yeah. I've been around for a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you just.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm like, what the hell happened, Becky? How do we.

[A]

And then you would vibe really well together. Like.

[C]

Oh, for sure.

[A]

Like, as human.

[B]

So as long as you're a nice person and cool, I'm good.

[A]

I think I am.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We'll see what the Internet says.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

It's good.

[B]

Okay. So first off, since I don't know anything about you, how did you.

[A]

Where did I come from?

[B]

Where did you come from?

[C]

Who is Becky? Where are you from?

[A]

Yeah, you know, so I met Kale in 2012. She was friends with my ex at the time. And so I got brought into her life through mutual, like, mutual people. And we always say that Kayl got Me in the divorce. When. When her and Javi got divorced, my ex stayed friends with Javi, and then I stayed friends with Kale, so. Oh, I've been around for a while. I've done a bunch of Teen mom with her. I did marriage boot camp with them.

[B]

Oh, shit. You did marriage boot camp?

[A]

Yeah, she did. Yeah, I did Kale's dating show. The. Like, Kale had a dating show. I don't know, like, what. Something clone where, like, it was all different people that looked like Queen Quavo. It was crazy.

[C]

Wow. Never knew.

[B]

Now I'm have to go and find this.

[A]

Yeah. A bunch of reunions I've done. But it was funny because the marriage boot camp. The marriage boot camp, they made it seem like I was the reason that Kayla and Javi got divorced because there was a whole rumor about me and Kale dating. So that's the whole war on the Internet is Kale and I dated. I was the reason that Ty's like, what is going on right now?

[B]

You're saying marriage boot camp. I'm like, why were you even in a marriage boot camp?

[A]

They were doing, like, they were doing. Sorry. They were doing a mock wedding, and they asked if anyone in the audience objected, and I just stood up and you should, like. And Javi's face was. No, like, what is she. Because he didn't know I was there. Oh, he didn't know. Yeah, yeah. Like, they had pictures blasted all over their hotel room of me and Kale kissing, which actually makes it seem like we did have something, but we did not, I can assure you.

[B]

So how did they get a picture you kissing?

[A]

So Kayl was pregnant. I brought Kayl to a pride with me, and she was pregnant, and we took a picture kissing, and she was like, can we just kind of play into this so people don't know I'm pregnant? And I was like, yeah, girl. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

What do I have to lose? You know? Like, so. Really.

[C]

So you and Kale never had had a relationship?

[A]

No, me and Kale have always. I'm. I'm naturally a, like, kind of flirtatious person. Just in my nature of speaking. I. I enjoy conversate, like, conversating with people. And me and Kale have always had a very interesting dynamic. It's always been very playful, always been completely just like a friendship. But as Kale navigated her own sexuality, it's always just been a, like, topic of conversation.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it has.

[B]

I had no idea there was any rumors.

[C]

You didn't Google. Are you living under a Rock.

[A]

Google my name and all that comes up is Kale's ex girlfriend Becky or Kayl and Becky Day. Oh, it was years right here.

[B]

We never.

[A]

Never. No. And I. We spoke about. I went on her live show with her in Philly and I spoke about that it there that I give off this. Like, guilty. No. When I say it. And I don't know why. Because I started dating my now wife that exact time when all those rumors started. And I've been with her since. So we've been together for eight and a half years. So when would we have dated? You know?

[C]

Oh, interesting, right?

[A]

Yeah. So I'm a relationship. A serial dater. And I've almost never been single. So you would have definitely known if Kayl and I. And we joke that she's not really my type, so.

[B]

So how long have you and your wife been married, though?

[A]

We just got married this July.

[B]

Oh, congrats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Awesome.

[C]

It looked beautiful wherever you had it at.

[A]

It was at my house. Wow.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Where?

[C]

That's what I mean.

[B]

I'm not thinking that. I want to sit down. I want to know everything right from here.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. So I am like a hopeless romantic. I am so. I. I love my wife. It's actually very similar to you two. Like the lore that the two of you give and how you present yourself and how in love with you are with her. I've seen that. Right. And so I'm very coded in that I am obsessed with. Leah is the most genuine person you will ever meet in your entire, like, beautiful human. The world is not good enough to have someone like her in this world. You know what I mean? And so I just got lucky that we are paths crossed. She's five years younger than I am. I always say that she was hanging out with the guys that never left my town. And. And so I came back from. I moved back home from Philly and our paths crossed and it's kind of been. The rest has been history since then. We had a little bit of a rocky the first couple of years, but we were dating in our early 20s, as you guys know. She was 21 when we met. And yeah, we just got married in July. Had a beautiful, beautiful wedding. It was funny because we were engaged for four years and we had no rushed to get married. And we went to our first fertility appointment and the doctor was like, why aren't you guys married? And we're like. And they were like. And then they were like, this is going to cost you $50,000. And we were like, yeah. Let's get married and get presents to help pay for ivf. Right. But it is a false rumor that at home weddings are cheaper than any doing them. Yeah. Oh, I bet it's just as expensive.

[B]

And when you think about it, is it. It's like a big, giant party for everybody else.

[A]

Yeah. So we did. So I. We. I always thought we would elope. I would redo our wedding day every single day of the year if I could. We did a private ceremony. We only had about 30 of our closest family and friends there for the ceremony part and then had a. A party after. We had a really hard time. We knew that a wedding. We wanted to be about ourselves. Right. I was so present with Leah that entire day. Almost felt like no one else was there because of, like, how present we were with each other.

[C]

That's beautiful.

[A]

But we really were. We were struggling with. We both have pretty large families, but we wanted to keep our ceremony small. And it was really hard for us because we had been to get. When you're together for so long, there's so many people that give into your relationship. Right. And no offense to my family, but my friends were the reason that I got through that relationship and survived different points of life that I wouldn't have been able to do without them. And they deserve to be there. They deserve to see our love. They deserve to. And so that's why we decided not to do really, really small. And we decided to open it up to our closest friends that, you know, meant something to us throughout those almost nine years together.

[B]

Yeah. I think we can agree because we have, like. I mean, our families are crazy. So, like, your friends become your chosen family. Like, it's your tribe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I chose my tribe. I was born into kind of a shitty one. So I'm gonna redesign it a little.

[C]

Bit how it was for us. Yeah.

[B]

And so we. But it's funny you mentioned how people, like, question you about, like, well, you guys have been engaged. Why. Why are you getting married? And so we were engaged for what, nine years?

[C]

Long. Long.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. But I also proposed when we were young. We still have braces.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was, Yeah, I like, 17, driving.

[B]

A van that started with a screwdriver.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So we were good old man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah. So it's like. But people always ask us all the time, like, why are you not getting married? It's like, we just. Listen, we got engaged. I'm like, hey, I promise, I love you so much. Don't want to be anybody else.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, like, what's The. What's the rush?

[A]

Yeah, literally.

[B]

And honestly, all the stuff that we went through, the nine years, I'm glad it happened while we were engaged. And like, it.

[A]

I always say that.

[B]

Yeah. Like, it's like. But people have a weird. Like, why you just get married? It's like, dude, calm down.

[A]

Yeah. And how. How lucky are we that we've been together with our partner for so long? That we've. The issue is, is that people that are together for so many years is we're not the same people. Right. We grow. Um, but we just happen to be lucky. The lucky ones that fall in love with that new version of the person and constantly are falling in love with that new version of the person. And that's what. That's what ends relationships, is we're not willing to grow and fall in love with that new version of. Of, you know, the person that they're becoming. And I just. I feel lucky to be in that situation that, you know, my relationship is the most stable thing in my life. And.

[C]

Same. Yeah, same.

[A]

You know, you just don't have to worry about it.

[C]

And also, I think the beautiful thing about it is when you are, you know, you're committed to somebody for so long and you're engaged for a while. Ty is my best friend. You know what I mean? I look at my friends, my friend group, and I'm like, he's my best friend. He knows everything about me. We've been through so much together. And I feel being best friends is the perfect foundation to a relationship.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

You know, because you should talk to.

[A]

Kale about this when you have her on your podcast, though, because she completely disagrees that people can be best friends with their partner.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Well, I'm here to show you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because.

[A]

So it was funny just how she spoke to it. And I'm looking at her, and I'm just like, girl, you do not know lesbian relationships.

[B]

No, because honestly, it's like. And it's funny because people are always big, oh, well, do you want to come out and hang out with us? And I'm like, dude, are we lame because we'd rather just hang out with each other?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Just, like, chill.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not ashamed, the fact that we are best friends, but I also feel like, how do you even. How do you not be best friends? Like, how do you not be best friends with yourself? I don't. I would not. Wouldn't want it any other way. Like, I want.

[A]

I feel bad for people that, you know, because I know people in relationships that don't really like their partner don't really have a connection with them or the similar interests or any commonality between. Between them. And I just, I feel like a sense of just sorrow.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Like for them. Because, man, like, life is just so great spending it with someone that you love.

[B]

100 the fact that you don't settle. Right. Like if I. And I see. Me and her talk about all the time that we see so, so many.

[C]

Of our friends, family members.

[B]

It's like the more and more I'm seeing that they're just so unhappy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like, but they. It's just weird how it's like, why are you doing this to yourself? I don't understand why you're settling.

[C]

Especially the person you're going to be with forever. It should be like, you should want to spend all the time and travel with them and have fun. Even when you're doing nothing, it's still fun, you know, like.

[B]

And then people always say stuff like, oh, well, you're. Maybe you're too codependent and you're too enmeshed. And I'm like, bro, if this is codependent, I'm rocking.

[C]

I love it.

[B]

I ain't mad about it. I mean like, whatever. But I think it's funny because people will always say stuff like, oh, well, do things separately. And it's like, we do, yeah, for sure. Prefer to do stuff together.

[A]

So.

[C]

Right. We actually like each other. So, you know, so. So obviously you're a lesbian. You have a wife.

[A]

As you said.

[C]

I was kind of interested in what, whatever you feel comfortable sharing. But what was like your coming out journey? Like, how old were you when you realized and kind of your journey of, you know, coming out and letting.

[A]

So it's so funny because everyone knew I was gay before I did.

[C]

Ashley, we have a friend just like him.

[A]

Yeah, you know, I was an athlete. I was your pretty typical. You should have known you were a lesbian. My. I didn't come out Until I was 19, my sophomore year of college. And it was for no other reason than I didn't know I'm from a very small product like 99 White Town. No queer people, no representation. Never saw queer people on the television. Never saw queer people represented in really any part of life. So I just didn't know. Right. And in high school, you know, I had boyfriends. I did everything that you were supposed to. I was really focused on sports. So it was never really that big of a, you know, this concept of, is this what love is supposed to feel like? And then I went to college and I went to a college that was full of lesbians and they all started to, like, take bets of who was going to get me to come out first. It was for. It was a while.

[B]

And what would you do? Would you just laugh?

[A]

And they're all talking about, yeah. And I would just. I would just soak up the attention that I got. I'm the youngest of five, so I've always just loved attention at any capacity.

[C]

Right, Right.

[A]

And so I just, like, I played into it. I never ended up dating anyone. And it wasn't until my first girlfriend that I met who didn't show me any attention. And I was like, what is going on? Like, why isn't this girl giving me attention? What's wrong with you? And my, my. I've always gone for, you know, very beautiful women, very straight coded, who you would never really identify just visually as gay.

[C]

You love a beautiful woman. Yeah, girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so we started dating and the moment we started dating, everything just clicked. It was like, oh, this is what you're supposed to feel like. This is what butterflies feel like. This is what, you know, sexual relation, like, whatever it is, feels like.

[B]

Back when you had the, like, boyfriends in high, you didn't ever feel.

[A]

It just felt like that's what you were supposed to do. Right. Like, I went through all the phases of boyfriends and doing whatever you needed to with men. And, you know, it wasn't. It. I just. It never felt like anything other than that's what people were doing, so I just did it.

[B]

Did you. Like, it was an expectation or like a pressure?

[A]

I didn't feel pressured to do it. I just felt like, why wouldn't I be doing it kind of thing.

[B]

Or if I don't do it, something's wrong with me. Or like.

[A]

No, I never even, like, questioned myself of it. Not it. Because it didn't matter until I, like when I met my girlfriend. And then that's. It all just clicked. It was just like, oh, yeah.

[C]

Because that was gonna.

[A]

Was never. This was never what it was supposed to be. This is how it's supposed to be.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Never dated the guys and was like, all right, this is like.

[C]

Or it doesn't feel right.

[A]

Or just because I, like, I love humans in general and.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I. I deep. I. Deeply in love with my friends. I'm deeply in love and a lot of my friends are men, so I'm not. I can fall in love with men easily. It's just, you know, I just never knew that There was a difference from a physical attraction standpoint until I was physically attracted between the two.

[B]

You didn't really. Okay, yeah, that makes sense, because that's kind of like. It's interesting because that's the first time I've heard someone that had a story like that. Because my best friend Ashley, she. She. I knew she was gay my whole.

[C]

Life before she ever came out. Our whole friend group knew it.

[B]

She never had boyfriends. And she. And she had the thing where, like, she slowly started to be like, hey, can I borrow your jeans? I'm like, yeah. Finally in my head, I'm like, yeah, borrow my jeans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, so her whole thing was like, she always knew. She's like, I knew when I was four years old, and it was like. And.

[C]

And it was kind of the same thing. You know, where we grew up, it was majority white. You know, we had, like, two different kids that were different races. You know, we didn't have, you know, or, you know, any queer people. Yeah, there it was, all of that. Just a small little town. But. But we all knew.

[B]

Yeah, we all knew. She's obviously. She knew, but she didn't tell anybody. She'd get really mad at me when I would say, like, you know what?

[A]

Internalized homophobia is very real. I would get so pleased. Some people would say something. Yeah. And it's almost one of those things.

[B]

Things where it's like, I. I always tell her all the time because she beats herself up a lot. I'm like, listen, like, I don't think you understand the strength it took from the age of four to have to fight that inter. Like, yeah, your whole life, like. And she had a lot of struggles, you know, in her adult life later on.

[A]

I mean, a lot of that can lead up to it.

[B]

Yeah, it was a big part of it. And when I asked her, I said, do you think being, you know, closeted was a issue that led to you having all these other adult issues? And she said, absolutely, absolutely. Like, it was. It was the driving force of all of her trauma and everything that that comes along with it. And it was just like. So I never heard anybody. Like, that's. That's interesting. That. Yeah, that was like. I didn't really know, like, wow.

[A]

Thankfully, I guess. Yeah. There's a couple key points, definitely. Anyone listening to take out of it, though, like your friend. It has nothing to do with the acceptance of the people around you. That limits someone's capability of expressing that part of themselves. Right. So if someone's hiding that and it's Late of them coming out. It's not, it's never a you issue. Right. There's a lot of people feel sad that someone didn't trust them, you know, did they do something wrong? But that's just never the case. We just live in a world where we just question it. And, and so when we. I speak to this often. Queer people live a very different life from a maturity perspective. So your friend lived unauthentically themselves for such a long time that when they finally did come out and live authentically themselves, that's when they kind of started life. And so they're starting life at a later period of time. Right. You're.

[B]

You're saying immaturity wise.

[A]

Yeah. So you'll notice that a lot of queer people go through this kind of like, crazy unhinged stage later in life is because they are finally themselves or in an environment they feel like they can be themselves when most cis, you know, straight people have just lived authentically themselves their entire life. Right.

[C]

That makes so much sense.

[B]

And they went through that kind of crazy period, the age that normal people. Yeah, exactly. It makes a lot of sense too, because she, she had a problem with it. I'm actually the one that was like, listen, because she went to jail and she braided her hair and she got it. And then she had my jeans on.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I said, just, just, it was.

[A]

Your jeans that did it.

[B]

I swear. I tell her, meet her, laugh about all the time. She's like, dude, I wore those jeans all the time. And, and she put her hair in a bun. I said, it's here. Why don't you wear my hat? Yeah, Once she wore that hat and had my. I swear it was like, it was like nothing was in her way.

[C]

I'll never forget, I'll never forget when she told me, like, hey, you know, I just want to let you know, like, I'm gay. And I said, I. It's okay. I know. It's okay. I love you and I know. And you. I just tried to hold that space for her, but I was just like, Yeah, I know. I've known, you know, just waiting for you to want to come and say it.

[A]

But I hope you guys know that if you haven't recognized that, you guys probably saved healed a lot of parts of her. If you've never, like, thought through, like, just you being there for her and you being. And her being comfortable enough to. To come out to you and like, that's huge. Right? Like, that's really.

[B]

Yeah, I felt really honored because when she did tell me. She, you know, she. I could tell she was like, almost like, listen, I'm gonna tell you this crazy thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like, thank God. Oh, my God. Like, she started laughing. She said, I'm so happy that this is how it is.

[A]

It's crazy. That's just how we, like, that's just how we are coded, is just this fear. Right. I mean, I went through this. I. I remember I was at. I had all my guy friends, my best friends from high school. They were up at my college house, and we were playing drinking games, and I was so nervous to tell them about me, like, having a girlfriend.

[B]

You were nervous?

[A]

Oh.

[C]

So it's very, you know, I just.

[A]

Didn'T know what to expect. You know, you never really know. And they gave me no reasons of ever thinking otherwise, but I remember telling them, and they were just like, love you. Happy for you. Can we please keep playing this game?

[C]

Right. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like I was gonna say, because I feel like when you are, you know, you know, coming out to people or telling people who you really are as a person, it's scary. And you. There's got to be fear and you're being very vulnerable.

[A]

Yeah. And coming out never ends. I. You know, even when I started, I. I work in corporate America, and. And so you're constantly coming out, and every new person call that you meet.

[B]

Like, what do you mean? What does that mean that you keep.

[A]

Because people assume. Right? People assume. You know, I worked in a male dominate street for a while, and they asked if I had a boyfriend or husband. And so I was always in a situation of having to come out again. And there were certain. You know, I spent a large deal of my first career life of just hiding the best part of myself. Right. It wasn't. Wasn't worth the conversation or the potential, like, backlash of it. And I never. I didn't experience any type of My family, like, my parents were accepting, my siblings were accepting.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

I never faced any of that hardship, which is really, you know, not common, like a lot of people find. We have two friends that we recently just became friends with, and they just got engaged, and neither of their families support them. And it. And when you get engaged, it's just supposed to be this. Just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The best freaking time of your life when you get engaged. Like, those. That month is just the most beautiful month that there is, I think, in your entire relationship. And, you know, we threw them like this little surprise. Congratulations. And they were just so emotional. About it. And love is just supposed to be celebrated at any capacity. And it makes me really sad that people have to question and. And really Leah, too. Leah, my wife, she would her. Her direct. Her mom and dad were accepting, but she was worried. Her dad's a farmer raised in, you know, in this. In the area that we are. And she. We dated for a while before she told him. And it was, you know, I felt a little bags. I was like, I can't do this right unless they know because I feel like I'm sneaking around. And she wrote him a letter and he, she. He thought she was dying, like, and he started crying and it was just, you know, and he was just happy she wasn't dying.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

So.

[B]

Well, you sound like you're blessed with the people around you.

[A]

Yeah, I've. I collect outside my. My sibling, I have really great relationships with, but outside of that, I collect really good people. I've been so blessed. Like, the humans in my life are just genuinely good people, male and female, all over. Like, we have a core group of friends that they're just. And that's. I feel like that's how life is. You are who you surround yourself by. And that's always just been something I live. I have lived by. And honestly, that's a part of the reason that me and Kale, we weren't friends for the past five years. We just. She just had surrounded herself with really toxic people. And that was the only situation that I was around, toxicness besides my, like, past relationships.

[B]

Oh, really? Like, so. So you're saying five years, you guys are not friends because you didn't, like, like the people she was around or.

[A]

So I was in a really bad place in Life. It was 2020. I went through a really dark, like, wanted to take dirt naps all the time. Like, did not want to be here. And so I wasn't able to be present for myself and just adding the stress. I mean, you guys know Kayl, she has constant, just shit going on around her and just chaos around her. And at that point, it was just, you know, she was with Chris and there was just a lot of toxic nature around just what she was in. And I just couldn't. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to be alive, so how was I supposed to want to be alive or whatever, you know, the weight of that as well. So that was. We had a falling out based on a different conversation. But it all. It kind of all played so the.

[B]

Falling out happened because you were like, listen, I can't. No, the falling.

[A]

I won't get too deep into it, but the falling out happened. It was based on a political conversation in 2020. And.

[B]

Okay. Oh, okay.

[A]

But I don't give credit to just that I think it was an overall. We were a whole bunch of things. We were both being played by people that were. In her life of just, like, people bringing the worst out of me. Right. People were coming to, like, I just started becoming a version of myself that I didn't even. I didn't like. And then she. That they would go back to Kale and chirp and hurry about.

[C]

It was just piling.

[A]

And I don't deal with that in my life. Right. Good people in my life. So it was just. It was not a good time for then Kale was going through what she was going through, and it wasn't a good time for either of us. And, you know, now people are like, how are you starting? Kayla and I started a podcast, Karma and Chaos. And they're. They're. They're like, give. You. Give your eyes a second, like, you just started your friendship again. And it's not like that, because we cared in love for each other for, you know, almost 10 years prior to that. We were. We were great friends. And, I mean, did people watch the video?

[C]

She's standing outside your door and she's already bawling her eyes out before she even sees you.

[A]

Yeah. And I. And I. I love and care for her so much as a person, and so that never. That just kind of came back. And we are both the best versions of ourselves now than we've ever been. And so we finally get to give each other a friendship that we deserve. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a really beautiful. She reached out to me. So my dad passed away in June, like, two weeks before my. Mine, Leah's wedding. And Kale reached out when my dad passed away. And so I was struggling with a lot of grief, obviously, and I was struggling with people in my life who were important with my. In my life that didn't reach out to, you know, that didn't. Because of whatever reason, they didn't, you know, give their. Whatever that word is that you're supposed to or just be there for you. Yeah. How are you. When Kale reached out, it just, like, kind of struck. Struck something inside me of just validating my own grief of. Of other people and validating that you should reach out when something happens who you're around.

[B]

Like, wait, why? Yeah, these People.

[A]

Yeah, it was. It was a very. I mean, grief brings up so much. Right. And so from that, we. It was funny. She. We started a conversation after kind of just check catching up, and she called me, and I was like, listen, I'm going to be honest. Like, I talked my shit the past five years, and I don't want to. I don't want this to come up now. And she just, like, respected that, that I was just like, hey, I talked my shit to the end. It was never. What do you mean?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Just, like, I just let people come. When Caleb would have falling outs with people, they would always come to me, really talk shit.

[C]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[A]

Because they knew. Because.

[B]

And did you know these people that.

[A]

Yeah, like, most. Yeah, most of them I knew. And just. And, you know, you guys know how the life is. Right after me and Kale had our breakup or whatever it is that you call it, you know, tabloids were reaching out to me one after another, trying to get me to sell my story. And I think that's also why it was so easy for us, because I never went. I never publicly talked about her. I never publicly, you know, talked about our situation.

[C]

And that comes down to you being a good person.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you care about the people that you care, you know, that.

[B]

You know, your motivation to break her again.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so that's why I said. Said to Kale, it wasn't really more so me talking. It was more me welcoming people talking about her. And that just never left, like, a good feeling for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But again, that's. I was just like, I don't want these people coming forward and being like. She was like, yeah, just lay it.

[C]

All out on the table now, you.

[B]

Know, and you still hang out.

[A]

Those.

[B]

Like, those people are still in your life. Okay.

[A]

No, they weren't in my. They weren't people in my life to begin with. It's just like, for whatever reason, when Kale would have issues with people, they.

[C]

Would come to you. Interesting.

[A]

Every single one.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like a damn plague. Like, they want to just get. Yeah.

[A]

Let me collect as many people that.

[B]

Can hate and agree with my opinion as possible. It's toxic.

[A]

Yeah. I just. And that's. And it's. I've done a really conscious effort in removing myself from toxic situations. I've been in toxic relationships that have hurt people I love because of that relationship pouring over into my other relationships. And so I'm very conscious of who I give my energy to.

[C]

Same.

[A]

And I've been so Impressed with Kale in the. These past however many months of get. Re getting to know her. And, and she's grown up so much in the five years that I've been gone. You know, she even said, you know, we were talking and she was just. And she was talking about scheduling stuff to record our podcast, and she's like, I can come to you, no problem. And that was never something that Kayl would have said when we were friends before. She have said before that I just drove to her all the time and then almost 10 years of friendship. She had been to my house like a couple times. Like, yeah, it was like a very. And that's interesting. Yeah. And so, you know, I said to her, I was like, kayl, I just want you to know, like, I recognize this effort and I really. It's really appreciated. And she was, you know, she was like, I wasn't a good equal friend to you before, and I don't want that to be the situation now. And I want to make sure that, you know that. And even things like little things like that. Right. She'll check in on me. And not that she didn't check on me on. In on me before, but it's different, right? It is different. Like, she cares. She. I feel that she cares about me a lot more as a human. And, like, I really value that. And that's something. I don't keep people around that aren't making those efforts anymore.

[B]

I feel like her taking accountability is just a. It's another example of the growth and that you have to have humility in order to for sure bridge this gap. And I feel like, yeah, I think it's right for you to acknowledge it to her and say, like, because people need to hear it. Because honestly, I feel like we have a similar, like, you know, just going to therapy and just learning about yourself. And so, yeah, when you do all the work and it's nice to get validated from someone outside, but, hey, I see it.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Because I've been blowing my eyes out for, you know, doing all the shadow work. It's. It's hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. When people are doing good and they're making changes, it's important. I feel like if you see it and you are a true friend, you do tell them those things.

[B]

Like, I, I make it a point to reach out to all my friends at least once every two weeks. I just say, how you doing? Yeah, I just had a kid. Like, I just. And it's funny because one of my friends wrote me and said, hey, like, how about, how are you doing? And I was like, whoa. I was like, you know, you're the only one that asked me how I'm doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, years. And it's not that I expect them to, you know, return the favor, but it's just one of those things where it's like, if I have a sense of, like, I haven't heard from them in a minute. How are they doing? It's important just to. I think checking up is, like, one of the best.

[A]

If you. If someone crosses your mind, text them. Yeah, it's. It's something that I've always lived by.

[B]

And I meditate, and I'll be like, listen, you came across my conscience today. I just wanted to reach out and say how, you know what's going on. And then.

[A]

Yeah, just thinking of you.

[B]

Sometimes they'll write you back a novel.

[C]

Like.

[A]

Yeah. You never know what someone's going through.

[B]

No, you don't. People is super important.

[A]

Yeah. I was actually just conscious. I was on my. On my flight here, and I was consciously thinking, I've been pretty absent. I've been pretty absent from my friends the past couple of. I would say, past month and a half, just because Leah and I have been really deep in ivf, and I was like, now that things have slowed down a little bit, I consciously thought I need to. Everyone's been checking on me, which I needed this past month and a half, which is totally fine. But I. When I get home, I was like, I need to do a trip around the world and just, you know, reach out to those people and check in with them and make sure that they're. They're good, too.

[C]

Right.

[B]

So how is ivf? Like, how is that whole. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Especially being, you know, like a lesbian couple, you know, so it's a lot.

[A]

IVF is a lot for anyone. No one prepares you for the mental roller coaster that comes with ivf. We started in February, and we. Let's go. Let's go through the. The. Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to just give you the ending. Yeah. And so. So when you start with IVF first, you. You know, you go into your baseline testing, figure out making sure that this is for a queer, for. For my experience, for straight people, it's a little different, because obviously, if you're going into that, you're going. Because you think that there's an infertility issue where you need help, which is so freaking common that it's not talked about enough. For us, we don't have any. We. We didn't go because we had infertility issues. We just. Just don't have that part with us.

[C]

Right, right, right.

[A]

And so we went and did our baseline testing. They. They reach out to your insurance. IVF is expensive and it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. At the time, neither of our insurances covered it. Luckily, my job switched their benefit package and mine ended up did covering it. So we only had to pay for Leah, but we decided that we wanted to do CO ivf. And so that's when you do egg retrievals. You fertilize the eggs and then you swap. So Leo, Leah will carry my embryo. I'll carry her embryo.

[C]

Oh, so you both are going to carry.

[A]

We, yeah. And so we went through also a unique donor selecting process. Typically what people do is they'll go online, they'll go to a cryobank and they'll select a donor based on baby picture and just a little bit of information. That donor stays private and hidden until the child is 18. Then the file opens. That's a pretty common. Yeah. Luckily I had someone reach out because they started a company. They didn't like that experience and wanted a more personal experience. And so it was a queer couple. It was a pediatrician and a lawyer. They started a private donor matching company. It's called Seed Scout. And so we went through Seed Scout and it was the only good experience through this whole entire journey, really. And we essentially interviewed people. We.

[C]

That's amazing.

[A]

Yeah. So we, we consciously got to choose a really good human. That could be a really huge part of our life. Yeah. In most cases, gay men can't donate to sperm banks. And it's all, wow.

[C]

What?

[A]

I never knew that gay men can't donate blood either. It's like it's all out. Yeah.

[B]

It's just that I don't. That's really.

[A]

Our country is very coded.

[C]

Well, they should be able to donate blood too. If, you know, you just run everything.

[A]

It's crazy, but the.

[B]

That part.

[A]

Yeah. So most. A lot of the men that are part of Seed Scout are gay men looking to help queer families, you know, start their own family because they know they're gonna have to have help at some point in as well. So we, we went through this process. They gave us probably like 60 people to start with. And we went down to six. Then we interviewed two. We fell in love, like in love with our donor. We met him and his husband and we talked the first time. We probably talked for like three hours. And it just felt, we just felt so lucky that we had met him as a person.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And then we got to consciously make that choice that if our child ever wants to know that side of them, then we know that's a good person. They're going to. That's beautiful. And we get ongoing medical history and you know, which is really important to us. And then they also limit to three families that he can donate to. You can pay extra to have exclusive with him. But we, we welcome that three family. So we actually get introduced to the other families as well. We actually, Leah and I just went out to dinner with one of the families last weekend. So we met them for the first time.

[C]

Do they already have a child?

[A]

No, they're. They're trying right now. So our kids are going to be half siblings, but we're going to, but we're going to raise them almost like cousins. Like, you know, go on family vacations and make sure they know each other and, and know we're basically creating our queer little family. Right. Yeah.

[C]

You know what, though? In my opinion, that's beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's beautiful to witness and to hear. Like, that's amazing. Okay, keep going.

[A]

Yeah, that's the way it should be.

[C]

Ye.

[B]

Like, I, like, like, you know, the fact of like you're actually consciously making a decision to not only invite this person, but the potential to be like.

[A]

Yeah. And you have those conversations. Right. Some people go into this not wanting a relationship and that's totally fine. You can have, you know, we get a yearly up medical update, you get a yearly picture. And that's how some people want it, which is totally fair for us. We wanted, you know, it was funny when we, when we met him, they were just speaking to how their parents are having a little bit of a harder time just conceptualizing it not being their grandchild. Right. Okay. Because essentially it isn't because it's our job, it'll be our child. But I was like, if your parents want to love our kid like a grandchild, let them. You know, like, see, this is why.

[C]

I told you if I could go back, I would have picked the gayest couple about it.

[B]

Yeah, about like. Because our adoption journey, obviously it's what.

[C]

It reminds me a lot about where it's like, you know, you can have these small things or you can be very together and all that does is love the child more.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, it's beautiful.

[B]

I don't understand why people even have the other idea of like, what could be.

[C]

So I Think it's fear based.

[A]

Yeah. I mean it is fear based because you never know. Someone's choice can change. Yeah. Obviously someone's decision can change of what they're. Yeah. And I think for us that's why it was important for us to find someone that was married in a relationship that had stability, that knew already what their future looked like or what they wanted where. And also them being a gay couple, it's not like another female is going to come in and feel some type of ownership.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Or some type of way about it. So it was beautiful. It was. And we. We met him for the first time. We went out. He lives in Chicago. We went and out to dinner with them. I'll show you guys pictures of him. Yeah, he's beautiful too.

[C]

Oh, he's beautiful. That makes even better. You know.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So that was the only good part of our entire journey was choosing our donor. The rest has been a nightmare. You have to go through psych evaluations, genetic counseling, lawyers.

[B]

You have to genetic counseling. What is genetic counseling?

[A]

So you have to. We have to do genetic testing and our donor has to do genetic testing to make sure we don't. Aren't carriers of the same genes. Because when you're carriers of the same genes you have a higher chance of passing that along to your child and that can cause birth defects and things of those sorts. Which is really bad. Which is crazy because straight people are just raw dogging it through life.

[C]

Right? Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. So. So after you do genetic testing, they come back and they. And you have to have a meeting with a genetic counselor and they go through your genes, the donor's family history and explaining the likelihood of based on their medical history, what it looks like moving forward. Just so you know. Okay. Which was fine. It would you just. It's just another way to have to pay more money for this. But yeah, our jeans were fine. It didn't.

[C]

Which is good cuz you already love this family.

[A]

That and that was so nerve wracking. We were waiting for our genetic testing to get back and I and I told the person that owns the donor company at Seed Scout. I was like listen, I never want to go through this again. I'm just letting you know get people's genetic testing done before they fall in love with someone. Because we would have been heartbroken smart if we had to to go through that again. So yeah, it was just we. I don't know if you guys know this. IVF costs are private. So every clinic is different cost based on their own choosing. So I had to price shop. Essentially, I had to go pay $300 fees just to understand what their pricing was for their ivf. And since, you know, we chose to do a more expensive way, that's how we wanted to do it. And we didn't want money to be the reason we didn't start our family how it was.

[B]

Find a really big difference in.

[A]

Yeah. Insane.

[B]

Really.

[A]

In. In opinion.

[C]

That is wrong. You're literally taking from people who literally just want to have a family.

[A]

Yeah. And so. Yeah. And at the time, we thought we both had to pay, so we went with a more affordable option. We've had a really shit experience. Experience. Not the quality of care, but we've just had a terrible. Like, we've just been a number in their system, and that is what it is. It was worth it to us because it was a third of the cost of anywhere else. And so it's been awful. The experience has been awful. But with that being said, I. One thing I didn't expect either was when we. We did our retrievals a couple weeks ago, and retrievals is when they take eggs to be able to fertilize, turn them into embryos. I only got one embryo out of my retrieval.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I had, like. And I don't know why I'm a pretty emotionally aware person of my emotions, but I had a full, like, mental breakdown. I was. I just felt, like, disappointed in my body. Like, did I do something?

[B]

You know, Felt betrayed by your own body?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so. And then we went to do our transfers, and the doctor was like, oh, someone your. Your age, that's normal. The second time you go, you'll have a better outcome. And I was like, why didn't anyone tell me that? Tell me that, man. Right. Having a mental breakdown. Yeah. Like, we would have mentally prepared to have to do two retrievals. Right. And so there was just a lot of emotion. And you're on hormone shots every day for weeks.

[B]

Oh, you are?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's crazy. I mean, like, seven different medicine.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Whoa. Wild. Yeah.

[B]

Have side effects and stuff. I mean, this is hormonal, you said, so I'm assuming there's something.

[A]

I'm an emotional person. I cry probably twice a day. And so for some reason, I think the hormones leveled me out. Like, I felt like, hey, can I.

[B]

Get some more of those? Can you prescribe those for me?

[A]

Yeah. Leah was. Leah is normally not a moody person. She was moody, like, and people are like, w. How could you do it together? It was beautiful. We. We're also obsessed with each other, so it just made sense for us to do it together. Leah got nine healthy embryos out of her. Out of her transfer. And then because I only had one, they said that we should do a fresh transfer. So. Tip. There's two different types of transfers you can do. You can freeze the embryos and then do a frozen transfer at any point. And transfers are when they implant the embryo into you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But because I only had one, there's. There's a slight higher chance of embryos kind of of dying through the.

[C]

The process.

[A]

The freezing process. So they didn't want to freeze my embryo because I only had one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So Leah and I both did 5 day fresh transfers like 3 weeks ago. My transfer did not take, but Leah's did. So that one. And Leah's pregnant right now. Oh my God. Yeah. Congrats. Thank you. I know. That makes me so happy. I know it's still early, but. And that's a whole nother. We never really had to. We had to navigate the telling of people of, you know, is it too early? Because she's technically, when we're recording this now, she's six weeks. And so still very early.

[C]

It's scary time early.

[A]

But you know what? I had a conversation with someone that miscarriages and things of those things are so common that. And they're just not talked about enough. Right. Issues and complications. And so when you wait till they say 12 weeks, everyone doesn't get to experience that little glimmer of excitement and hope with us. Right.

[B]

Don't rob it from us.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And how could. If something happens, how can they be there with you to support you 100.

[A]

That's exactly. And so we're get. We are so over the moon right now. We're excited. I'll do another transfer again and I'll try again. I wasn't even sad about my transfer not working because I was just so ecstatic about Leah's. Like my little embryo is like inside, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. And so.

[C]

So she's carrying your one embryo.

[A]

Yeah. So my one embryo.

[C]

Your one embryo.

[B]

You guys are both gonna be like.

[C]

Creating literally a piece of each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. Wow.

[A]

That's why we did it.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And. And that's. It was important to me because. And initially I never wanted to be pregnant. That was never on my bingo card. My friends would. Would have been. What the fuck? What are you talking about?

[B]

Why do you think you didn't want.

[A]

Because when. When we started going through this, Leah was You know, we sat down and she was like, becky, I'm ne carrying your. The plan was for her always to carry my embryo first because. So we're both a part of this first pregnancy journey. And she was like, what if this is the only child I can carry? What if something happens and I'm never able to carry my own or I'm never able to bring my own blood into this world? Completely valid. And I said, I would love to carry your embryo. And she was like, what? I was. She was like, really? I was like, are you kidding? Like, how fucking beautiful is that that I get to carry a piece of you? Like, I don't give a shit about carrying my own embryo, but, like, I get to like to do that for you. Like, how that's the best thing that I could do.

[C]

Oh, my God, you guys are beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, that's so. And so that's where that came from. And if it ends up being that I can't carry, I think that the, the effort that I made too, I think eased Leah's mind enough that we. That. That we're trying. Right, Right. And it's not uncommon for someone. I'm 34 and so it's not uncommon for transfers not to work either. So it's not some huge shocker. Yeah. That's why we were just happy with hers working and all of her blood work keeps getting stronger and stronger and.

[C]

Then, you know, and if it doesn't work for you, you know, we have.

[A]

We have eight embryos left of hers, so we're.

[C]

So she could carry her own if, you know, you guys are like, we want another child. And.

[A]

Yeah, I actually think I'm going to do another retrieval before I do a transfer, just so I have a couple more embryos frozen ready for if the day ever comes.

[C]

And was that process painful, the retrieval part?

[A]

So I didn't have any issues with the retrieval part. The aftermath is a little weird. It like they had to go through my abdomen as well as. Oh, wow. Like inside. So you just have like, tight. Just pain. So like when you try to go to the bathroom, you can't push because, like, it's just like cramping.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Leah had some complications after her retrieval. She had a lot of fluid, which could happen, but so overall differently it. I wouldn't tell people not to do it. Right. Like, it's nothing to be afraid of. It's worth sucks. It is what it is. Everyone responds to. Like, this past week has been wild because it just. Everything kind of just happened this past week. I just started coming down off a month of hormones and so it was just, I was just, I was getting my period for the first time. Right. Being so this month, this past week was just crazy.

[B]

You've been through it.

[A]

I'm like, like Leah's like. And it was funny. So they didn't call us when they were supposed to to tell us our pregnancy results. And like Leah was hysterically crying in bed and I'm sitting there like wide eyed, like looking at her like, this girl better be pregnant because what the is going on right now. Yeah.

[B]

So.

[C]

But it sounds like there needs help to be some reform even in that department.

[A]

There just needs to be more guidance of expectations. Right. So we didn't have any expectations of how long certain phases were of what we needed. They just send you like 14 different medicines and shots and expect you. Leah's a medical provider, she's a pa so she knows that.

[C]

Thank God. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

God. And if it wasn't for her, and not for nothing also a lot of people going through IVF might have not have that support of a husband that can help and guide through that journey too. And I think about that often of just how lonely we were lucky we got to do it together. We had each other to go through that. Just how lonely some people must feel going through that process and the emotions that.

[B]

So do you think that IVF could benefit from maybe having like a psychological department with each ivf? Like.

[A]

Yeah. And, and they facility or whatever you.

[B]

Want to call it, they have like a, you know, account.

[A]

I think it should be, I think it should be a case worker.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Each person should have a caseworker that helps guide them through each step. And it could, and it could be that way at other places. That's just not the experience that we have. Right. And it could be because we went to somewhere that was cheaper. Right. Like we're not getting that personalized experience. It could have been different. And so outside the medical part of.

[B]

It all, I mean there should be some kind of psychological like just support to support.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I started therapy. I've restarted therap therapy a couple months ago knowing that we were going to go through this because I wanted someone to know me as a human before all the drugs.

[C]

Yeah. Right.

[A]

Like I didn't want to like walk into therapy and just be like hysterically crying and them not knowing me as a person at all. Right. So I highly definitely suggest finding a therapist throughout this process too because it can be, it can be lonely because there's different obviously We've been. We have such a great relationship that we're able to communicate that. But there's so many unexpected feelings that come up through this process that having a therapist. Having a therapist in general is great.

[C]

It's healthy.

[A]

It's healthy.

[C]

But what a beautiful. Like, it's awesome at the end of it. It's such a beautiful thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, how exciting.

[A]

And people always say that you're never really ready to have kids, but I think that for us, it. Everything kind of made sense. We. I was a partier, I was a different state every weekend. Leah is a homebody. Like, which was fine. That worked for our relationship. She stayed home, I went out and Until a couple. I would say the past couple years. I enjoy sitting at home on the couch with Leah more than anything in this world. And our lives just kind of slowed down. We slowed down with our friends. Like, we have friends that come over and we hang out and that quote. And we were just ready. We were just like, yeah, like, I'm excited. We're excited to experience life with a child now, to give them the love. We have so much love to give. And we have so much love. We have so much support around us. And we were just so. We're just so ready. And that's also another thing Leah is highly like, speaks about, is if anyone is thinking in the future of wanting to have kids, especially if you're queer, start the process now. We wanted to be pregnant in January, right? And so it's been almost a year of this whole process. Because you could do the process, freeze your embryos and let them sit there until you're ready to have kids.

[C]

Right?

[A]

But just start.

[B]

Start it. Yeah.

[A]

Because you never know what's gonna happen. You never know. You know, the hurdles that end. You wanna. When you're ready to have kids, you want to be able to enjoy. Almost doesn't feel real yet because it's just been this scientific process of frustration and like, you know, ebbs and flows and like, whatever. But yeah, I'm excited.

[B]

I can't wait. I'm like, I know I don't even know you, but now I know you. And I'm like, I know.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

I'm like, oh, my God, you guys are so beautiful. I'm like a little puddle over here. Seriously, how?

[B]

Like, like she's more of a homebody or whatever. And. Yeah, no, because I feel like we were similar. I was always like, let's go, I'm gonna talk to people. And she was more like, dude, I just Want to, like, chill in my house. That.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Safe space.

[A]

Please don't put me in that situation.

[B]

And then now I'm like. I'm like, I'm on her. I'm on her.

[A]

I'm on her now.

[C]

It's more. Sometimes I'm like, come on, can we please leave?

[A]

I know. And I'm gonna get out of here.

[B]

Hang out at home, and I want to do anything. But isn't it, like, such a peaceful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thing because you. You experience the party and all. Yeah. But now it's like, like, wow, this is really nice.

[A]

I've lived a life for enough people of hundreds of people. I've traveled the world. I've experienced life. I've given everything into my early 20s that you're supposed to and. Which is so awesome.

[C]

Now it's time to settle down and give that to a little person.

[A]

We. I can't even.

[B]

There's no regrets now because you did.

[A]

No, None.

[B]

I don't have to sit here. Like, I didn't get to experience.

[A]

Literally none. I feel bad a little bit for Leah because she was. She's a physician's assistant, so her life was a little bit different than mine. She didn't get to. I lived college how everyone's supposed to live college. She was studying all through college, so she has a little bit more traveling that I'd like to see her just experience in the world.

[C]

But you know what's cool?

[A]

But she has. We have time.

[C]

But you know what's cool, though, is, like, your child gets to experience it with you guys and her for the first time, you know?

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[C]

That's beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna. We're excited. Oh, my gosh.

[C]

I can't wait to keep up on that. No, you guys are cute, and I have never even met her, and I'm.

[A]

Like, you guys are so cute to get her on. I can't wait for the world to just. Because Leah is one of those people. And it'll be interesting to see how she does in kind of a scenario. Leah's really funny, but she isn't funny for everyone. You know what I mean? Like, she is a silly, goofy girl. Like, she is. She is so freaking, like, cute and funny, but not everyone gets to really see that, like, side of her until she is a little bit more comfortable. But I'm hoping. I'm hoping throughout this, you know, people get to know her and see her. She's the best.

[B]

Especially because now that it's like. It's like, you can almost just this is what. This is how our life is. This is the process that we're in. And it's like, what a. Almost. What a beautiful way to introduce, like, everything. It's like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like this is. Is what's going on, and this is what. This is what we built like this for.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You already done your stuff, you party, you got a lot of your system, everything. And now it's like, now I'm. Now family life. And it's so like.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm excited. It's. It's always been fun for me. I've always done well with the attention that comes with being friends with Kale and the things that come along with it. And I've always been very conscious of using that attention for things that are going to give back to the world. And even throughout this process of IBF and Lee and I creating a family or even Lee and I getting married, the feedback that I am able to get from people of, you know, we give them hope of what they could potentially have in the future is just. That is what I cannot. I just love that social media gives that to us. Right. Social media gives us this hope that other people might not see that. I never had this representation.

[C]

That's what I mean. For the younger generations, too, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Somebody who feels maybe a little different, you know, like to see people and be like, oh, it's okay, because in the future, I could have these things. I feel like a lot of queer people and trans people, you know, they don't have that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, it's becoming more common.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because people, like, like you and our friends, they talk about it by sharing their stories.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Always talk about, like, if Team mom ever tried to shift over to, like, housewives, kind of. Or.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we always say, like, listen, like, I don't. We don't like to do anything meaningless. I want purpose. I want. I want a moral compass, for sure.

[C]

Even if it's one person. Yeah. I did what I was supposed to, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we're like. We're like, listen, there has to be a bigger reason for why we've gotten.

[A]

This 100 undeserving spotlight.

[B]

Like, we don't know why this happened, but here it is. And so let's not waste it.

[A]

It. Yeah. Do something good with it. Yeah. I'm so ecstatic that you guys are starting a podcast because it leaves it. It leaves you to be able to do that a little bit more. Yes.

[B]

Freedom. Because, like, there's so many, you know, Team mom has changed, so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's clips of your life. It's like, it's little, you know, consumable clips that are.

[C]

Right, just like a fraction, and they're.

[B]

All picked out by someone.

[C]

Yes. There's so much more.

[A]

Not full thoughts.

[C]

Yeah, there's so much more.

[B]

And also, it's like, me and Kate, so much work behind the scenes, like, just with therapy and just. Just couples count, all that growing, getting older. Yeah. And it's like that stuff. We have the spotlight. Let's just. Before it fades, let's. Let's get all that out there. Which is really why we wanted to start this whole podcast in the first place.

[A]

Yeah. That's beautiful.

[B]

People have been telling us to do.

[C]

It well, and we can dive deeper into things so that are important to.

[A]

Us and do that conversations are so important. Like, life. And I. I speak to this so much is. Life's not supposed to be lived alone. And we, like, pain is so universal, and life's fucking hard, and why do it by yourself? And why not share? Right? We have to use the things that happen to us in a way to give back, because if we don't, it's just going to consume us. And so what better way to make something worth of pain by helping someone else go through that pain. That. Or prevent someone from going through that by using that.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

You know, and feeling alone.

[B]

Because I feel like everyone's got something going on.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I always try to filter my. Even when I'm feeling myself being judgmental, I'm like, wait a minute. Like, all right, there's something going on. They don't know about it. There's, you know, for sure, something deeper going on. Even with the people who are the most cruel and vile. Like, you're like, okay, this is coming from somewhere. So I feel like, like, thankfully, we're.

[C]

People that think like that. Everybody does.

[B]

You know, something that's absolutely important that me and Kate strive for is just staying curious. I always want to be curious. I don't ever want to label something and just be done with it and put it on the shelf. I want to, like, always keep it open.

[C]

And that's why, like, when we saw. We were, you know, gonna interview. Interview you. You, I was like, we don't know anything about Becky. I only know a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he was like, well, that makes it even better. We're gonna have the best conversation ever.

[A]

And I was like, you guys should have seen us. We, like, got here and we're Just sitting here in silence because we're, like, trying not to yap too much. I don't want to hear it until we have to press record, seriously.

[B]

But I think staying curious is important. That's kind of what.

[A]

That's how we grow. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, yeah, you got to stay curious about your own healing, your own journey, other people's. And I feel like this podcast and this platform is kind of like the perfect.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's gonna open. It's gonna open a lot of doors for the two of you to. Because you're just such like, thought seeking people. I can tell already that it's gonna open doors for you to continue, Continue to grow at a different pace and different perspective than you were able to before. You know, consciously making sure that you're bringing on people that are gonna challenge you and, and love it and educate you in, in your own personal growth, which is, I mean, not for nothing. It's gonna make you better parents too. Right? Like, you make more connections with people and you allow yourself to open your eyes to that, to the possibilities of what could happen, and it just makes you a better person overall.

[B]

You don't gain anything by being around people who agree with everything you do. Like that. That is literally the definition of being stagnant. Like, you never evolve, and if you're not evolving, you're just losing, like, you're dying. So, like, the whole point of this is to evolve until I can't no more. And it's like, that should never be like, kind of like inhibitive because you're surrounding yourself by people who. I don't. I always say I want to be the dumbest person in the room. That's. Yeah, I want, I want to surround myself with people who are wiser, more experienced because, like, what do I have to gain if I'm around people who are like, yeah, you're right. Oh, yeah. It's like, no, I love opposing viewpoints. I love.

[C]

Oh, God, does he.

[A]

You would love. You would love to have a night at my house with my friends. Because we all don't agree on everything and we all agree on the things that matter, right from, you know, a moral position, but we don't agree on. And it's always just like bickering back and forth of just. It's funny, but there's healthy bickering. Oh, for sure.

[B]

And I feel like that's actually important to do that. Let's go back and forth about our opposing viewpoints. Like, that's interesting to me because I feel like without that, there's no growth.

[A]

None.

[B]

Then I'm like, if I'm not growing, I might as well just die now.

[C]

Now, you know, moving, like, moving forward. All I know now is I want to meet your wife now. You guys sound like amazing people.

[A]

Yeah, Leah is the best.

[C]

I think we need to set something up. If she's ever comfortable, even zoom, like, I want to, like.

[A]

She would like, you guys. She likes a little bit. She, like, gives, like, can feel energy, and she. I can tell that she would like being.

[C]

I would love to keep up on your guys's story because, like I said, I have a. And I just want to say thank you for coming on and just being vulnerable and sharing who you are as a person. I think it's beautiful. And now we're investing. No, I am. I said, she's, like, talking about all this stuff and her wife. I'm like, I'm such a. Oh, they're so cute.

[A]

Well, you guys. So we have a house that is open to people, like, hosting people. If you and the fam ever want to come to New Jersey in the mountain. We have, like, a mountain house, basically. It's beautiful.

[B]

No cell service.

[A]

You said no kids can come. There's. It's. We live on 20 acres, so, like, lots of. Yeah, my camper. Yeah, yeah, please come. But I thank you guys for having me on. I've really enjoyed the. This conversation, and I think that there's going to be a nice friendship that. That comes from this.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have a podcast, so where can people. Where can they find you?

[A]

All of my socials are hayter25 h a y t E R. That's Instagram. Anything. Whatever it is. That's. That's the name for it. And then karma and chaos. Can find that on Spotify, Apple. You can find me always on Kale's Instagram as well, which I'm sure everyone listening knows who that is. And then for the haters, is my own personal podcast that.

[C]

I remember that.

[A]

Yeah, I'm excited.

[C]

That'd be good. We need to come on that.

[A]

Yeah. A thousand percent fits with us. Like. I will. I would love to have you guys on.

[C]

All right, well, all right. We got some things to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Break it down.

[C]

Yeah.