Cate & Ty Break It Down: "Pay-to-Play: The Marketing And Broken Promises In Adoption"

Guest: Connor Howe
Date: October 8, 2025

Episode Overview

In this powerful, eye-opening episode, Catelynn and Tyler Baltierra engage with Connor Howe (aka @AdoptedConnor), an adoptee and prominent creator who critically examines the adoption industry. Drawing on both his personal experience with open adoption and his in-depth research, Connor shares how marketing, industry interests, and broken or unenforceable promises shape the realities of adoption—often in stark contrast to the messages promoted by agencies. The conversation navigates the personal, emotional, and systemic impacts of adoption, exposing contradictions, unmet needs, and opportunities for reform within an often under-examined child welfare system.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Connor's Backstory and Motivation

• Connor discusses his experience growing up in an open adoption and how it influenced his decision to educate others about adoption realities.
  • "I was in an open adoption. It wasn't like I saw her all the time, but I saw her." (02:05)
  • Felt open adoption was treated as a panacea—he knew otherwise through personal pain and community observation.
  • Expresses underrepresentation of nuanced adoptee experiences.

2. Myth vs. Reality of Open Adoption

• The idea that open adoption “solves” adoption trauma is challenged.
  • "Open adoption isn’t the solution that it’s been presented as." (02:49)
  • Legal “open adoption” agreements are often unenforceable, and promises frequently collapse.
  • The distinction between “open” and “closed” adoption is legal and about sealed records, not necessarily family contact.
  • "It's not always enforceable... you're generally the party with less money, less power, legally speaking." (06:09)

3. Adoption as a Business and Marketing Tactics

• Agencies shifted to “open adoption” to stay afloat after declining demand and profitability.

  • "It’s a business. Businesses do what they need to do to survive." (03:33)
  • Agencies widely invest in marketing—sometimes more than child welfare itself.
  • "When you look at the ads... they’re promising things they know aren’t true." (31:17)

• Agencies market heavily to both adopting parents and vulnerable birth mothers, including specifically targeting marginalized communities ("No papeles necesarios," i.e., no documentation required) (64:14–66:05).

4. Pay-to-Play System & Class Issues

• High costs for adoptive parents, with agencies passing on exorbitant marketing expenses.
  • Celebrities/influencers (e.g., Millie Bobby Brown) can circumvent long waitlists due to wealth, underscoring inequity.
  • "It’s a pay-to-play system... influencers, celebrities can just cut in line." (37:42)

5. Emotional & Psychological Impacts on Adoptees

• The emotional reality of open adoption: feelings of longing, not belonging, and persistent grief.
  • "I came up to [my adoptive mom] and was like, I wish I came out of your tummy." (18:11)
  • Farewells after visits with birth parents are deeply painful; the situation likened to a “hostage” dynamic with absent birth parents (52:01).
  • Adoptees report frequently monitoring the emotions of all involved, suppressing personal feelings to maintain family harmony.

6. Systemic Accountability and Broken Promises

• Agencies rarely face consequences for broken agreements or failed adoptions.
  • "No one holds themselves accountable in this business." (21:12)
• Many adoptive and birth parents are also harmed by unfulfilled expectations.
• Lack of accessible, adoption-competent therapy for those affected.

7. History and Racial/Class Discrimination

• Deep roots of racism and classism historically embedded in American adoption, from matching by race/religion to exclusionary practices (24:32–27:20).
• Agencies sought to make children and adoptive families socially indistinguishable, sometimes removing children when background "differences" were belatedly discovered for racist reasons.

8. Foster Care vs. Private Adoption

• Private adoption driven by profit and the proactive seeking out of vulnerable mothers.
• Foster care described as less profit-driven but still systemically flawed.
• The intention behind seeking a child—wanting to “be a parent” vs. helping “a child in crisis”—is crucial (67:26–68:15).

9. Lack of Education, Informed Consent, and Post-Adoption Support

• "Most therapists get less than 10 minutes’ education on adoption in their training." (53:31)
• Many involved parties are uneducated regarding the psychological and systemic complexities (victim mentality accusations, lack of resources).

10. Language, Labels, and Family Bonds

• The language of adoption (half-sibling, “tummy mommy,” calling birth parents "aunt") is used to diminish birth family ties for the comfort of adoptive families/agencies.
• Connor advocates for honesty and normalization of multiple parental/family connections.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On open adoption as a false promise:
  “People don’t realize that open adoption isn’t the solution that it’s been presented as.” – Connor Howe (02:49)

• On agencies and unenforceable agreements:
  “It’s a huge promise. And then once the adoption is an open adoption, quote unquote, it becomes this thing of like, you hear all the time, even with you guys. Right, like your adoption closed.” – Connor Howe (06:51)

• On the emotional pain of open adoption visits:
  “Every single minute matters to me down to the second. And to leave is such a bitter feeling for me.” – Connor Howe (56:02)

• On the “pay-to-play” adoption industry:
  “It’s just pay to play. That’s really what it comes down to. And people don’t really understand that.” – Connor Howe (37:50)

• On the priorities of adoption as a business:
  “Agencies spend billions of dollars on marketing… It’s the most inefficient use of money ever.” – Connor Howe (64:14)

• On selective empathy and agency accountability:
  “No one holds themselves accountable in this business… I want the people like you to be happy, I want the people like me to be happy, I want everyone to be happy.” – Connor Howe (21:13)

• On broken promises and system change:
  “The system shouldn’t make promises if they can’t keep those promises.” – Connor Howe (83:52)

• On adoption trauma remaining unacknowledged:
  “Adoption is trauma. I wrote that when I was 18.” – Connor Howe (44:06)

Timeline of Important Segments

• 02:48 – Connor begins challenging the narrative of open adoption as a solution.
• 06:00–09:15 – Legal distinctions between open/closed adoption, unsealed records, enforcement issues.
• 13:00–14:27 – Marketing and commodification of adoption.
• 24:17–31:15 – Historical racism; beauty, class, and matching in adoption; morality of child “sales”.
• 31:17 – Connor scrutinizes adoption marketing strategies and the industry’s focus.
• 36:57–38:17 – Celebrity adoption, "cutting the line," and “pay-to-play” inequities.
• 40:35–44:06 – Connor recounts his own reunion experiences, pain associated with visits, and emotional fallout.
• 52:01 – “Hostage situation” analogy; lack of open contact.
• 54:44–57:23 – Lasting pain of goodbyes, discussion with birth/first parents, and complications of reunion.
• 64:14–66:05 – Marketing tactics, targeting Spanish-speaking and undocumented mothers.
• 67:26–68:15 – Foster care vs. private adoption: intention, child welfare system, and financial disparities.
• 80:46–83:17 – Advice to fellow adoptees, language about “blood family,” and the need for empathy and true understanding.

Tone & Takeaways

The episode’s tone is raw, direct, and at times deeply emotional, with all three voices—Cate, Ty, and Connor—revealing personal pain, regret, and insight. The conversation is candid about systemic failures, the business interests at play, and the need for accountability and reform. Listeners are left with a greater understanding of the complexities, the harm done by broken promises, and the urgent need for real, systemic change—for adoptees, birth parents, adoptive families, and future generations.

Where to Find Connor Howe

• Social media: @adopted_connor (TikTok, Instagram, Facebook)
• YouTube: Adopted Connor (with longer-form educational videos)
• Connor invites anyone interested in the deep historical and factual background of adoption to connect and follow his work.

Cate’s Closing Reflection:
"Being triggered sometimes brings change." (94:35)

For More

• Listen to the full episode on PodcastOne or your favorite podcast app.
• Follow @adopted_connor and Cate & Ty for continued honest conversation and resources on adoption reform.