A Psychiatrist's Tips for Teaching Children Problem Solving Skills - Change Your Brain Every Day

Summary5 min read

Episode Overview

Podcast: Change Your Brain Every Day
Hosts: Dr. Daniel & Tana Amen
Episode: A Psychiatrist's Tips for Teaching Children Problem Solving Skills
Date: June 5, 2026

This episode centers on empowering children by teaching them problem-solving skills, focusing on fostering responsibility and healthy self-esteem. Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen share personal parenting stories and outline actionable steps—based on the "Parenting with Love and Logic" framework—to help children develop personal agency and resilience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Hidden Cost of "Loving" Too Much

Parental Over-Involvement:
- Many parents try to protect their children from any discomfort, believing this is an act of love. However, shielding kids from all challenges can hinder their development of competence and self-esteem.
- "If you do too much for them, they'll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self-esteem." (A, 00:14)

The Power of Letting Kids Own Their Mistakes

Affordable Consequences:
- Dr. Amen stresses the importance of letting kids learn from minor mistakes when they're young so the "price" of errors is low.
- "Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap.” (A, 00:18)

Real-Life Example: Chloe’s Homework Struggles

Personal Parenting Story:
- Tana’s nightly battles with daughter Chloe over homework were resolved after taking the Love and Logic parenting course.
- By transferring responsibility to Chloe—even at age seven—Chloe swiftly learned to manage her own duties.
- "'She had completed second grade and it was Chloe's work to do.'" (A, 00:44)
- When faced with real consequences (missing recess or disappointing her teacher), Chloe took ownership and never needed prompting again.
- "Furious, Chloe said, 'I never said I wouldn't do my homework. I'm just not going to do it now.' ... Twenty minutes later, she came back downstairs, did her homework by herself, and Tana never had to ask her to do it again." (A, 00:54–01:08)

Practicing Responsible Independence

Not Rescuing Children for Small Oversights:
- Tana also stopped bringing forgotten items (lunches, sweaters, homework) to school, teaching Chloe responsibility through natural, mild consequences.
- "Chloe only forgot those things once or twice and she paid the price for it. These are called affordable consequences." (A, 01:16)
Philosophy Behind the Approach:
- Allowing these experiences gives children one of life’s greatest gifts: a sense of personal agency.
- "Teaching people to be responsible for their lives gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive, a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny." (A, 01:24)

The Outcome: Building Lasting Competence

Results in Real Life:
- Chloe grew into a highly capable, motivated student, graduating high school with straight A's and preparing to graduate college.
- "Chloe held all of the responsibility and healthy anxiety about her schoolwork and ended up graduating from high school with straight A’s and is now about to graduate from a college. She is one of the most capable people I know.” (A, 01:32)

The "Love and Logic" 4-Step Process for Teaching Problem Solving

Step 1: Provide strong empathy.
- E.g., "This has got to be so hard."
Step 2: Hand the problem back.
- E.g., "What do you think you're going to do?" and then actively listen.
Step 3: Offer suggestions (only if they're open to it).
- E.g., "Would you like to hear what other kids have done?"
Step 4: Let them decide within reasonable limits.
- E.g., "I can't wait to hear what you decide. I believe in you."
"Love and Logic has a four step process to helping kids solve their own problems... Provide a strong dose of empathy... Hand the problem back... If they say they don't know, ask if they'd like to hear what other kids have done... Allow kids to solve the problem as they see fit within appropriate boundaries." (A, 01:42–02:01)

Coaching Without Taking Over

Parent as Coach, Not Problem-Solver:
- The best role for parents is as a guide, offering support and ideas without taking charge.
- "You can be a good coach and offer suggestions if they're open to it, but only after they've tackled the issue." (A, 01:38)
Active Listening and Self-Sufficiency:
- When kids complain of being bored or in trouble, turn the question back to them and let them think through solutions.
- "When they bring you a problem such as 'I'm bored' or 'I'm broke', ask them how they're going to solve it. Then be quiet long enough for them to really think about it and problem solve on their own." (A, 02:07)

Core Message

Self-Esteem is Built Through Efficacy:
- True self-esteem arises from children seeing themselves succeed through their own effort and decision-making.
- "Self-esteem comes from self-efficacy." (A, 02:12)

Notable Quotes & Moments

"If you do too much for them, they'll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self-esteem." — Dr. Daniel Amen (00:14)
"Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap.” — Dr. Daniel Amen (00:18)
"'I never said I wouldn't do my homework. I'm just not going to do it now.' ... Twenty minutes later, she came back downstairs, did her homework by herself, and Tana never had to ask her to do it again." — Chloe & Tana Amen (00:54–01:08)
"These are called affordable consequences. It is better to let kids make mistakes when the consequences are minor so they learn responsibility." — Dr. Daniel Amen (01:18)
"Teaching people to be responsible for their lives gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive, a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny." — Dr. Daniel Amen (01:24)
"Self-esteem comes from self-efficacy." — Dr. Daniel Amen (02:12)

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:02–00:30: Intro & why overhelping hurts
00:31–01:16: Homework story & affordable consequences in action
01:17–01:32: The gift of personal agency & Chloe's long-term success
01:33–02:01: Love and Logic 4-step problem-solving process
02:02–02:12: Coaching and self-efficacy

This episode offers a compassionate, practical roadmap for parents seeking to raise responsible, resilient, and resourceful children. By letting kids face manageable challenges and supporting their problem-solving processes, parents provide the tools for lasting confidence and mental strength.

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[00:02]
A
Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. Many parents love their kids so much that they never want them to suffer and end up doing way too much for them, thinking that is love, but it is not. If you do too much for them, they'll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self esteem. Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap. When our daughter Chloe was seven, homework was a struggle. Every night her mother sat with her for hours and encouraged her to get it done. Then Tana took the Parenting with Love and Logic course, the same one you'll find in the program materials, and within weeks she was completely out of the homework battles. As she took the course, Tana realized she was enabling Chloe to fight with her by not making her responsible for her own homework. Yes, Even at age 7, when parents take responsibility, they subtly send the message that kids are not capable. Here's how this core conversation went. One night Tana told Chloe she would never ask her to do her homework again. She had completed second grade and it was Chloe's work to do. If she was okay with the consequences of not doing her homework, such as the teacher being disappointed in her or not going out to recess, that was her choice. Or if she really didn't do her homework, then she would make new friends. When she repeated second grade, furious, Chloe said, I never said I wouldn't do my homework. I'm just not going to do it now. And she stormed off. Twenty minutes later she came back downstairs, did her homework by herself, and Tana never had to ask her to do it again. In the same way, if Chloe forgot her lunch or her homework or didn't bring a sweater with her on a cold day, Tana would not bring them to her. It was on Chloe to be responsible. Chloe only forgot those things once or twice and she paid the price for it. These are called affordable consequences. It is better to let kids make mistakes when the consequences are minor so they learn responsibility. It might seem harsh, but it is actually very kind. Teaching people to be responsible for their lives is gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive, a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny. Chloe held all of the responsibility and healthy anxiety about her schoolwork and ended up graduating from high school with straight A's and is now about to graduate from a college. She is one of the most capable people I know. Raising mentally strong kids requires you to first allow your kids to solve their own problems. You can be a good coach and offer suggestions if they're open to it, but only after they've tackled the issue. Love and Logic has a four step process to helping kids solve their own problems. 1. Provide a strong dose of empathy. Say something like this has got to be so hard. 2. Hand the problem back to them in a loving way. What do you think you're going to do? Then stop, as in active listening and wait for them to respond. 3. If they say they don't know, ask if they'd like to hear what other kids have done. If they say yes, share two or three options and then four Allow kids to solve the problem as they see fit within appropriate boundaries. Say something like I can't wait to hear what you decide. I believe in you. When they bring you a problem such as I'm bored or I'm broke, ask them how they're going to solve it. Then be quiet long enough for them to really think about it and problem solve on their own. Self esteem comes from self efficacy. Sa.