This Is What You're Getting Wrong in Parenting - Change Your Brain Every Day

Summary4 min read

Episode Overview

Title: This Is What You're Getting Wrong in Parenting
Hosts: Dr. Daniel Amen & Tana Amen
Date: May 8, 2026
Podcast: Change Your Brain Every Day

This episode centers on a common parenting mistake: doing too much for your children and confusing over-helping with love. Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen draw on personal experience, brain science, and principles from the “Parenting with Love and Logic” approach to highlight why fostering independence and allowing natural (but “affordable”) consequences is essential for raising resilient, capable kids.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Harm of Over-Helping

Dr. Amen opens with a stark brain-health truth:
“Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse.” (00:02)
Many parents, out of deep love, try to prevent all child suffering, which can undermine a child’s self-esteem and sense of competence.
Key insight:
“If you do too much for them, they'll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self esteem.” (00:22)

The Power of Allowing Mistakes and Natural Consequences

Letting kids make mistakes when they’re young allows them to learn responsibility while the consequences are still manageable.
Memorable advice:
“Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap.” (00:36)

Personal Story: The Homework Battles

Tana shares about her struggles with her daughter Chloe’s homework and how a shift in approach changed everything.
- She previously spent hours managing Chloe's work, which just led to nightly power struggles.
- After taking a “Love and Logic” course, she stopped taking responsibility for homework and let Chloe face the natural outcomes.
Core conversation excerpt:
Tana: “I told Chloe I would never ask her to do her homework again. She had completed second grade and it was Chloe’s work to do… If she was okay with the consequences of not doing her homework, that was her choice.” (01:15)
Chloe’s reaction:
Chloe: “I never said I wouldn’t do my homework. I’m just not going to do it now.” (01:45)
[Chloe later returned, did her homework independently, and the conflict never repeated.]

Affordable Consequences

Tana refused to bring forgotten lunches or sweaters, allowing Chloe to experience minor discomfort or embarrassment—never twice.
Key philosophy:
“These are called affordable consequences. It is better to let kids make mistakes when the consequences are minor so they learn responsibility.” (02:27)
While tough in the moment, the long-term gift is personal agency—a sense of control over one’s destiny.

Long-Term Results

The approach paid off:
“Chloe held all of the responsibility and healthy anxiety about her schoolwork and ended up graduating from high school with straight A’s and is now about to graduate from college. She is one of the most capable people I know.” (03:01)

The Four-Step “Love and Logic” Process

Dr. Amen outlines the method for solving kids’ problems constructively:

Empathy: Start compassionately.
“This has got to be so hard.”
Hand back the problem: Lovingly return the challenge to the child.
“What do you think you’re going to do?” (Pause, wait for the reply.)
Support with options: If stuck, offer examples of what other kids have done.
Empower their solution: Encourage and believe in their ability to solve it.
“I can’t wait to hear what you decide. I believe in you.” (04:28)

Key coaching advice:
“When they bring you a problem such as ‘I’m bored’ or ‘I’m broke,’ ask them how they’re going to solve it. Then be quiet long enough for them to really think about and problem solve on their own.” (04:43)

The Roots of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is built from self-efficacy: the belief in one’s ability to succeed through personal effort.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Dr. Amen:
“Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse.” (00:02)
Tana Amen (on Chloe’s homework):
“If she really didn’t do her homework, then she would make new friends when she repeated second grade.” (01:37)
Summary wisdom:
“Teaching people to be responsible for their lives is gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive, a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny.” (02:46)

Episode-at-a-Glance Timeline

00:02 — Episode introduction & philosophy: each choice impacts your brain.
00:22 — Why over-helping hurts kids’ self-esteem.
01:15 — The “Love and Logic” method: letting kids own their homework.
01:45 — Chloe’s reaction and positive turnaround.
02:27 — Explanation and importance of “affordable consequences.”
03:01 — The results: Chloe’s independence and academic success.
04:28 — Four-step process to help kids solve their own problems.
04:43 — Encouraging problem solving to build real self-esteem.

Final Takeaway

Raising strong, mentally healthy kids hinges on letting them make (and learn from) their own mistakes, offering empathy, and coaching—rather than rescuing—so they can develop confidence, responsibility, and true self-esteem. The Love and Logic approach emphasized here offers practical steps to let kids gain competence and agency, skills they’ll carry for a lifetime.

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Transcript1 lines

[00:02]
A
Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. Many parents love their kids so much that they never want them to suffer and end up doing way too much for them, thinking that is love, but it is not. If you do too much for them, they'll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self esteem. Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap. When our daughter Chloe was seven, homework was a struggle. Every night her mother sat with her for hours and encouraged her to get it done. Then Tana took the Parenting with Love and Logic course, the same one you'll find in the program materials, and within weeks she was completely out of the homework battles. As she took the course, Tana realized she was enabling Chloe to fight with her by not making her responsible for her own homework. Yes, Even at age 7, when parents take responsibility, they subtly send the message that kids are not capable. Here's how this core conversation went. One night Tana told Chloe she would never ask her to do her homework again. She had completed second grade and it was Chloe's work to do. If she was okay with the consequences of not doing her homework, such as the teacher being disappointed in her or not going out to recess, that was her choice. Or if she really didn't do her homework, then she would make new friends. When she repeated second grade, furious, Chloe said, I never said I wouldn't do my homework. I'm just not going to do it now. And she stormed off. Twenty minutes later she came back downstairs, did her homework by herself, and Tana never had to ask her to do it again. In the same way, if Chloe forgot her lunch or her homework or didn't bring a sweater with her on a cold day, Tana would not bring them to her. It was on Chloe to be responsible. Chloe only forgot those things once or twice and she paid the price for it. These are called affordable consequences. It is better to let kids make mistakes when the consequences are minor so they learn responsibility. It might seem harsh, but it is actually very kind. Teaching people to be responsible for their lives is gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive, a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny. Chloe held all of the responsibility and healthy anxiety about her schoolwork and ended up graduating from high school with straight A's and is now about to graduate from college. She is one of the most capable people I know. Raising mentally strong kids requires you to first allow your kids to solve their own problems. You can be a good coach and offer suggestions if they're open to it, but only after they've tackled the issue. Love and Logic has a four step process to helping kids solve their own problems. 1. Provide a strong dose of empathy. Say something like this has got to be so hard. 2. Hand the problem back to them in a loving way. What do you think you're going to do? Then stop as inactive listening and wait for them to respond. 3. If they say they don't know, ask if they'd like to hear what other kids have done. If they say yes, share two or three options and then four Allow kids to solve the problem as they see fit within appropriate boundaries. Say something like I can't wait to hear what you decide. I believe in you. When they bring you a problem such as I'm bored or I'm broke, ask them how they're going to solve it. Then be quiet long enough for them to really think about it and problem solve on their own. Self esteem comes from self efficacy. Sa.