Change Your Brain Every Day: Episode Summary Title: Top Ways to Ruin Relationships Part 2 (Alcohol, Habits & More)
Hosts: Dr. Daniel Amen & Tana Amen
Release Date: November 11, 2024

In this insightful second installment of "Top Ways to Ruin Relationships," Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen delve deeper into the multifaceted factors that can undermine romantic partnerships. Building upon the foundations laid in the first part, the hosts explore a range of issues from substance abuse to hormonal changes, providing listeners with a comprehensive understanding of the pitfalls that can threaten relationship stability.

1. Alcohol and Substance Abuse

Dr. Amen opens the discussion by highlighting the pervasive impact of alcohol abuse on relationships. He cites a staggering statistic: "There are 30 million children of alcoholics in the United States. That means 10% of the population is living with the trauma of having grown up in chronic stress directly related to alcohol" (00:00). He emphasizes that unresolved childhood issues related to substance abuse can continuously erode relationship quality.

Tana Amen adds that alcohol doesn't just impair judgment but also influences brain function: "When you drink, some of your brain functions drop, especially in the frontal lobes, leading to erratic behavior and loss of inhibition" (01:02). This can result in actions and words that one wouldn't normally exhibit, thereby damaging trust and connection between partners.

2. Childhood Trauma

The couple discusses the lingering effects of childhood trauma on adult relationships. Dr. Amen shares a poignant story of a patient who struggled with the aftermath of growing up in an abusive alcoholic home: "I studied children and grandchildren of alcoholics. When you grow up with that, there's this triad that adult children of alcoholics often embody: they don't talk, they don't trust, and they don't feel" (06:12). This lack of emotional openness and trust can create significant barriers in forming healthy adult relationships.

Tana echoes the importance of addressing these deep-seated issues to prevent generational cycles of dysfunction: "If you don't deal with your own childhood issues, particularly around substance abuse, that totally can ruin a relationship" (07:48).

3. Untreated Mental Health Issues

Dr. Amen underscores the critical role of mental health in sustaining relationships. He points out that undiagnosed or untreated conditions like ADHD and anxiety disorders can place immense strain on partnerships: "If you have ADD or ADHD, the hallmark symptoms like short attention span, disorganization, and impulsivity can cause chronic stress in a relationship" (09:42). He stresses that these are medical issues, not personal failings, and highlights the importance of seeking treatment to improve relational dynamics.

Tana adds that understanding and supporting a partner's mental health struggles can lead to better mutual support and reduced conflict: "You're not blaming them for the problems in the relationship. You're just saying, 'Going in with your best self is definitely going to make the relationship better'" (08:39).

4. Hormonal Imbalances

The discussion transitions to the significant impact of hormonal changes, especially in women, on relationships. Tana explains the profound effects of menopause: "Menopause changes your hormones dramatically, affecting your energy, moods, and libido. It even rewires your brain" (14:10). These hormonal shifts can lead to increased irritability, decreased libido, and a desire for more personal space, which can challenge relationship harmony.

Dr. Amen elaborates on the importance of hormonal balance: "When progesterone levels drop, it can cause anxiety, irritability, and sleep disturbances. Many women are prescribed medications without addressing their hormonal needs" (18:26). He advocates for bioidentical hormones and natural supplements as potential solutions to mitigate these changes and preserve relationship quality.

5. Focus and Technology Use

In the digital age, excessive use of devices like smartphones can be a hidden relationship saboteur. Dr. Amen refers to phones as "the mistress," highlighting how they can distract partners and erode intimacy: "Since 2007, smartphones have negatively impacted relationships by stealing dopamine and separating partners" (29:48). Tana shares her personal strategy of setting boundaries with device use to maintain presence and connection: "When you begin to feel isolated because the other person is on their device, it's not a good feeling. I decided I'm not going to do that anymore" (30:31).

6. The Importance of Focus and Presence

Both hosts emphasize the necessity of being present and focused in relationships. Tana discusses the challenges of multitasking and the importance of prioritizing relationships: "Being present with the people that are important to you and not thinking about too many things at once is crucial" (23:55). She advocates for practices like meditation, journaling, and delegating less important tasks to enhance focus and emotional availability.

Dr. Amen reinforces this by introducing the concept of the "One Page Miracle," a tool for couples to define their relationship goals and evaluate behaviors: "Your family's love should have a plan where you're like, okay, what's the goal? Is my behavior getting me what I want?" (25:28). This structured approach encourages proactive efforts to maintain and strengthen relational bonds.

7. Testosterone and Emotional Balance

The conversation also touches on the role of testosterone in both men and women. Dr. Amen explains that balanced testosterone levels contribute to mood, focus, and empathy: "When testosterone is too low, you can get sad and have a low libido. When it's too high, your empathy goes down, which is a prescription for divorce" (19:58). Tana warns against "vanity doses" of testosterone that can lead to erratic behaviors and relationship conflicts: "High doses make you behave in ways you wouldn't normally behave, leading to arrests and divorces" (20:31).

Conclusion

Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen provide a comprehensive exploration of the various ways relationships can deteriorate, emphasizing the importance of addressing personal and neurological health to foster strong, resilient partnerships. By highlighting issues such as substance abuse, childhood trauma, mental health, hormonal imbalances, technology use, and hormonal balance, they offer actionable insights for listeners aiming to nurture and protect their relationships.

For those seeking to deepen their understanding and enhance their brain health, the Amen University offers a range of courses designed to support mental and emotional well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Daniel Amen (00:00): "There are 30 million children of alcoholics in the United States. That means 10% of the population is living with the trauma of having grown up in chronic stress directly related to alcohol."
• Tana Amen (01:02): "When you drink, some of your brain functions drop, especially in the frontal lobes, leading to erratic behavior and loss of inhibition."
• Dr. Daniel Amen (25:28): "Your family's love should have a plan where you're like, okay, what's the goal? Is my behavior getting me what I want?"

By addressing these critical areas, the Amen couple equips listeners with the knowledge and tools to avoid common relationship pitfalls and build lasting, healthy connections.