EP 61 | saucy confessions

Summary

Podcast Summary: CHEERS! with Avery Woods
Episode: EP 61 | Saucy Confessions
Release Date: January 27, 2025

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Overview

In Episode 61 of CHEERS! with Avery Woods, host Avery Woods delves into the realm of intimate and humorous "saucy confessions." Joined by her longtime partner, Big D, the duo explores a variety of submitted bedroom stories, sharing their own candid experiences along the way. The episode is a blend of laughter, relatable anecdotes, and insightful discussions about the playful and sometimes awkward moments in relationships.

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Saucy Confessions

Avery opens the episode by inviting listeners to share their most risqué and embarrassing bedroom stories, setting the stage for a night of unabashed honesty and humor.

Notable Quote:
Avery Woods [04:01]: "I just really wanted to start off with a bang and this girl said, my dog ate my butt plug."

Big D and Avery humorously dissect each confession, offering playful commentary and personal insights. The confessions range from lost items during intimate moments to unconventional places for romantic encounters, ensuring a variety of laughs and relatable content for the audience.

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Discussion and Reactions

As each confession is read, Avery and Big D engage in lively discussions, often veering into humorous tangents about their own experiences and preferences. They balance the frankness of the confessions with light-hearted banter, making the content both entertaining and engaging.

Notable Quote:
Big D [07:01]: "I feel like we should have Scotty in here."

This dynamic interaction not only keeps the episode lively but also fosters a sense of camaraderie with listeners who may find their own stories echoed in the tales shared.

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Personal Stories

Avery and Big D take turns sharing their own intimate moments, providing listeners with a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics. These personal anecdotes add authenticity to the episode, allowing listeners to connect more intimately with the hosts.

Notable Quote:
Avery Woods [10:06]: "I've been consistently fucking him for 10 years, so might as well invite him over to talk about these funny things."

Their stories range from humorous mishaps in public spaces to the complexities of maintaining intimacy over a long-term relationship, offering both entertainment and relatable content.

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Funny and Embarrassing Moments

The episode is peppered with hilarious and sometimes cringe-worthy moments that highlight the realistic and imperfect nature of relationships. Avery and Big D laugh off their own mistakes and invite listeners to embrace the awkwardness that often accompanies intimate experiences.

Notable Quote:
Avery Woods [26:56]: "Oh, my God. Holy. Okay, let me tell that story. That's so funny."

These moments serve to remind listeners that everyone has their own unique and sometimes funny stories, fostering a sense of community and shared experiences.

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Conclusions and Reflections

Towards the end of the episode, Avery and Big D reflect on the importance of open communication and embracing imperfections in relationships. They encourage listeners to share their stories and normalize conversations about intimacy, emphasizing that such discussions can strengthen connections and understanding between partners.

Notable Quote:
Big D [30:14]: "We straight up talk about it though. In fact, we have recently."

Their closing remarks not only wrap up the episode on a thoughtful note but also inspire listeners to engage in honest and meaningful dialogues within their own relationships.

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Closing Remarks

Episode 61 of CHEERS! with Avery Woods successfully blends humor, honesty, and relatability, making it a standout installment in the series. Avery and Big D's candid discussions about saucy confessions provide both entertainment and valuable insights into maintaining intimacy and humor in long-term relationships. Whether you're tuning in for the laughs or the heartfelt moments, this episode offers something for every listener looking to enjoy a glass of wine and some real talk about life and love.

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Notable Quotes and Timestamps:

• Avery Woods [04:01]: "I just really wanted to start off with a bang and this girl said, my dog ate my butt plug."
• Big D [07:01]: "I feel like we should have Scotty in here."
• Avery Woods [10:06]: "I've been consistently fucking him for 10 years, so might as well invite him over to talk about these funny things."
• Avery Woods [26:56]: "Oh, my God. Holy. Okay, let me tell that story. That's so funny."
• Big D [30:14]: "We straight up talk about it though. In fact, we have recently."

These quotes encapsulate the playful and open nature of the conversation, highlighting the hosts' ability to discuss intimate topics with humor and grace.

Transcript

[Avery Woods]

Imagine what's possible when learning doesn't get in the way of life. At Capella University, our game changing flexpath learning format lets you set your own deadline so you can learn at a time and pace that works for you. It's an education you can tailor to your schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to pursue your professional goals. Instead, enjoy learning your way and earn your degree without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella. Edu Listen, I confess all of my saucy secrets to you guys pretty much on a weekly basis, so I thought it was only fair to ask your guys's saucy confession. I needed someone with me, and that is Big D. Didn't see my man for a week. We did it three to four times a day for a week straight after that.

[Big D]

Congratulations to both of you.

[Avery Woods]

I will say I don't think I could handle that. Hate to admit it, but my husband and I in a porta potty at a couple music. First time doing it. My boy boyfriend lost the condom. Couldn't find it anywhere, then found it in me the next day. One time my boyfriend was in my ass and found some. You've never found in my.

[Big D]

But I feel like you're telling me no, I haven't.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, God, no.

[Big D]

God damn it, Scotty. Here's the thing.

[Avery Woods]

Hi, welcome to Cheers. I'm your host, Avery Woods. Listen, I confess all of my saucy secrets to you guys pretty much on a weekly basis. So I thought it was only fair to ask your guys's saucy confessions and bedroom confessions and embarrassing story times because I would love nothing more than to read these to you guys, but I needed someone with me, and that is Big D, because I couldn't react to them alone. And I've been consistently fucking him for 10 years, so might as well invite him over to talk about these funny things.

[Big D]

I want to hear some confessions.

[Avery Woods]

Hi, baby.

[Big D]

Hi.

[Avery Woods]

Thanks for being here.

[Big D]

Thank you.

[Avery Woods]

He's like, thank you. He's like, money, please pay up.

[Big D]

Usually I'm on the other side of the wall with the kids.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Can we talk about the fact that we slept till 10am like we were.

[Big D]

Teenagers this morning, but we didn't get home until what, after midnight?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. So our oldest daughter, Anaya, she is. Which you guys probably watched the episode where she was talking about how much she loves musical theater and singing and acting. And she was the lead in her school play last night as Wendy And Peter Pan. And she was so incredible, like amazing. I. They couldn't even get through the first song with every kid on stage without me crying. I was a mess. And we drove four hours each way, so about eight hours round trip to go watch it. So we came home super late. But we wanted to be back with the babies this morning, so. But then we slept till 10am because.

[Big D]

We were so tired, which I never do, ever.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, so don't mind us drinking our caffeine while we do this because mom and dad are sleepy and it wasn't from being up.

[Big D]

It was not. That's later. That's on the agenda. Yeah, today.

[Avery Woods]

All right, first one. I just really wanted to start off with a bang and this girl said, my dog ate my butt plug.

[Big D]

So many concerns there. Like, I feel like we need a follow up. First of all, like, did you take the dog to the vet?

[Avery Woods]

Also, I hope it wasn't glass.

[Big D]

Yeah. What's the material? Actually, wouldn't that be okay? I feel like metal would be worse.

[Avery Woods]

I feel like it's probably the silicone ones. Don't they have silicone ones?

[Big D]

Silicone metal.

[Avery Woods]

David's like all names cuz I buy them for you.

[Big D]

Can you imagine your little pink j butt plug in like a pile of dog poo? Ew.

[Avery Woods]

Ew, ew.

[Big D]

No, here's the second question. No, I follow up for this.

[Avery Woods]

Did they eat it? Cuz you didn't wash it?

[Big D]

There's different sizes in butt plugs.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, that's true.

[Big D]

So I know.

[Avery Woods]

Also why did they eat it? Cuz it was still stinky. Not was.

[Big D]

No. That's a thing though, because have you about dogs eating like owner's underwear?

[Avery Woods]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like a protection thing.

[Big D]

And was it fresh?

[Avery Woods]

No. Well, listen, rip to your dog and your butt plug. I hope your dog's okay.

[Big D]

Thank God we have cats.

[Avery Woods]

No, seriously. Although our cats will carry around some weird. Like, David took down the Christmas tree. This is actually hilarious. And Mochi, he holds so much in his mouth. Like he'll carry around a fork. That was still off my plate.

[Big D]

Anyways, they steal the kids pancakes every morning. Full pancakes?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, full pancakes. Walk around their mouth. A dragon on the ground. Like what kind of cat does that? But David stuck down the Christmas the Christmas tree. And Mochi would always sleep in the back corner. And he was collecting piles of stuff.

[Big D]

Okay, we had hair ties, we had scrubbies. Yeah, shout out scrub daddy. Apparently he likes those.

[Avery Woods]

Scrub daddy from the sink. And hid it behind the Christmas tree to Play with. Yeah.

[Big D]

So scrub daddy wants to send some cat toys to us. It's a box of scrubs. Show up for the cat. I would legit make, like, a scrub daddy pool for the kids, for the cats, for the kids.

[Avery Woods]

A pool?

[Big D]

No, like the little, like, you know, like, where kids, like, have the foam pits.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah.

[Big D]

I make a scrub daddy foam pit for our cats in the cat. That'd be legit.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

What else is back there? Hair ties, bows, Scrub daddies, petrified, happy in pancakes. A couple, like, ornaments from the tree they pulled down back.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, Those cats are nuts.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Anyways, anyways, I licked a taint for the first time, and it was smelly. Scott's gonna be laughing in the background this whole episode. She said she hooked up with a guy and she licked his taint like it was the first time ever.

[Big D]

What's the taint?

[Avery Woods]

That's the. They use Scott for the description. It's where your butthole and your sack meets.

[Big D]

It's that, but they don't meet butthole. It's like, oh, the gooch.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, is it tank for a girl?

[Big D]

No, no, that's a tank.

[Avery Woods]

Everyone has a tank. Okay, so she licked one for the.

[Big D]

First time and what? Gooch is, like, the street name for taint. All right, we need. We need urban dictionaries help on this.

[Avery Woods]

All right, Wait, no, hold on.

[Big D]

Isn't that what's called duck butter?

[Avery Woods]

Yes, duck, Here comes the butter. Do you know who did that to me? Imagine this. Imagine dating the same boy from when you were 15 to your 18 years old, and you're like, 16 years old, and his father and his. Whoa, duck. Here comes the butter. And flicks it at you like that as a joke. He would do that to me literally the entire time we were together for three years. I was a minor.

[Big D]

Cut that out, Scotty.

[Avery Woods]

Don't cut it out. I don't.

[Big D]

I feel like we should have Scotty in here.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, no, no. They had an entire prayer room full of crosses for the Catholic church. And he's like, duck, here comes the butter. Let's pray a rosary together, hitting Jesus in the face. Yeah.

[Big D]

I feel like Scott needs to pull his little stool over here.

[Avery Woods]

I'm like, he's just turning. He's sitting in the corner. Okay, so it sounds like he needs to learn hygiene and not let you lick his taint when it's sweaty.

[Big D]

I. I don't know. Like, I'm kind of like, there's no. I mean, maybe tmi. How many times have you come home from the gym. And I'm like, yeah, I want that right now.

[Avery Woods]

Okay, but.

[Big D]

And you're like, no, I need to shower also.

[Avery Woods]

Listen, it's Pilates. It's not like.

[Big D]

What did she say? She didn't like it because she said it was smelly. It was smelly? Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

It's bad hygiene. Like, I'm sorry. He could be like, let me just go shower. Like, I've been, like, sweating in the moment. Well, or just, like, I don't know, you know, like, sweaty, sticky balls right in your nostrils while you're, like, tongue deep in someone's taint.

[Big D]

Oh, that's true. Because you're. You're below.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, you're below the goods in the sweaty balls.

[Big D]

Better than. Better than licking a dirty butthole. Things can be worse.

[Avery Woods]

You know what? I love your perspective, because usually you're a very cup half empty person. I'm really proud of you for saying that.

[Big D]

I like your dirty butthole.

[Avery Woods]

Okay, that's enough. Stop that. God damn it. David knew he was going to say some inappropriate.

[Big D]

You brought me in here for this?

[Avery Woods]

All right. Hooked up outside of the hospice center.

[Big D]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Avery Woods]

I'm sorry. I can't. No, no, no. It's because I have nurse humor. It's so bad. But they hooked up outside of a hospice center. You know what? Sometimes emotional grieving sex is necessary.

[Big D]

Did they have a family member in hospice?

[Avery Woods]

Probably, I'm assuming, so.

[Big D]

I think that validates it.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Like, you don't want to leave me my papa side. And, you know, you're going.

[Big D]

You just go out.

[Avery Woods]

So you just go out and get off, and then you're fine.

[Big D]

I just picture, like, one of Scotty's family members on hospice, and then he's like, hold on. Grindr notification. And he goes to the parking lot. I just.

[Avery Woods]

I just need a really quick blowjob to feel better.

[Big D]

Valid. Valid.

[Avery Woods]

We like you, Scott, as an example of all these. Oh, my God. I know, right? Not much I can say besides, Chili's an accident and my coochie on fire.

[Big D]

Chili's an accident and my coochie's on fire.

[Avery Woods]

Like, probably like a burning butthole or. Or what? Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh. So, like, he ate a chili, and he had chili on his fingers. That would burn so bad. There's been times actually before where David's gone down on me after he brushes his teeth.

[Big D]

Yes.

[Avery Woods]

And the mint burns my. Like no other.

[Big D]

Or my jalapeno Cheetos.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, My God.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

David ate jalapeno cheetos.

[Big D]

Chester Cheeto coming in hot on your.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. And literally goes tongue deep in my puss. And it was on fire. Didn't see my man for a week. We did it three to four times a day for a week straight after that period.

[Big D]

Honestly, congratulations to both of you.

[Avery Woods]

I will say I don't think I.

[Big D]

Could handle that, like, three to four times a day. Hurting for a week.

[Avery Woods]

I would be hurting.

[Big D]

Well, we went three times earlier this week in one night. And that was.

[Avery Woods]

I like how he. He has to say that like we're.

[Big D]

Still recovering multiple days later.

[Avery Woods]

What?

[Big D]

I am.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, you are sorry about that.

[Big D]

You use me like a sex doll.

[Avery Woods]

I know. Well, here's the thing. I'm turning 30 and I need you to keep up. Simple as that.

[Big D]

I was gonna.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, no, stop. I know you're gonna say something else inappropriate.

[Big D]

I was just gonna say, remember the time you suffocated me and I almost died?

[Avery Woods]

Okay, you're being so dramatic anyways, that.

[Big D]

No, this is a true story.

[Avery Woods]

Hold on.

[Big D]

I'm not gonna say it though. This isn't. To this, our Slutty Confession.

[Avery Woods]

Slutty confession goes from saucy to slutty.

[Big D]

Oh, that's. I thought it was Slutty Confessions. So funny. Maybe think about renaming it because it might be better.

[Avery Woods]

Do you want to take over? Are you the host?

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Here you go. Here's your car.

[Big D]

Welcome to Cheers.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God.

[Big D]

I'm your host, Daddy Woods.

[Avery Woods]

David is out of control. Anyways, to this girl, I just want to say you're an MVP because I simply would be torn in half.

[Big D]

Yeah, keep that up. Keep doing that.

[Avery Woods]

All right.

[Big D]

Awesome.

[Avery Woods]

Husband and I were house sitting for my sister, pulled in the driveway, and then realized it was the wrong house.

[Big D]

Oh, my God. And like, every home now has, like, ring cameras.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big D]

So somebody was like. Like, the car is like driveway notification. They're like, hey, someone pulled up in our. Our driveway. Babe, you have something coming.

[Avery Woods]

The windows are all fogged. It's like the hand like the Titan Titanic. Also. That's so iconic of them. Like, you know what? Sometimes after date night, you just can't make it inside.

[Big D]

Why? Every time I'm hearing one of these, I feel the need to tell a similar story of ours because I feel.

[Avery Woods]

Like we've had podcast baby. Is that we're reacting and commenting about it. We're not just reading these out loud and then moving on to the next.

[Big D]

Rude. Rude. That was so rude. So Anyways, I was gonna say we.

[Avery Woods]

Got in a full blown fight.

[Big D]

Remember? Remember when we this, we didn't pull up into a stranger's driveway or anything like that. But we were waiting for a movie and we had extra time.

[Avery Woods]

And I were like, the Harkins at Chandler Mall.

[Big D]

Shut your mouth. Don't have to give that much. What if they say video from then and they find it?

[Avery Woods]

Baby, that was like seven years ago. Eight years ago.

[Big D]

Like, anyways, so like, hey, we should have hanky panky before we go into the movie.

[Avery Woods]

So we have 20 extra minutes.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Mind you, we were in a Toyota Camry and David's six foot five and.

[Big D]

I only need two minutes. So we go into the back seat, we go. We had this.

[Avery Woods]

Did you become.

[Big D]

So we needed two minutes for that and 18 minutes to get our popcorn and candy.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big D]

And og OG OG Arizonan moviegoers. Remember Harkins back in the day when you could have the T shirts? So we had our Harkins tees on.

[Avery Woods]

Our loyalty.

[Big D]

Our loyalty.

[Avery Woods]

Harkins. What the happened to you? Yeah. You're literally our last movie theater of choice.

[Big D]

I know. Disappointing. And they were the best.

[Avery Woods]

They were the best. They really.

[Big D]

They used to have the free popcorn seasoning.

[Avery Woods]

Yes.

[Big D]

They didn't charge you for that.

[Avery Woods]

And now they charge you. Yeah. Three is five dollars. A little mini one.

[Big D]

Yeah. And you used to get. They had like the big jugs of that.

[Avery Woods]

Damn it, Harkin.

[Big D]

But anyways, so we climb in the back seat and we like do our business. But you were on top of me. And I remember I'm looking out the front window. We had tinted windows. And I'm like, why are people walking by looking at our car? But I focused. I powered through. I focused and powered through. And then we get out of the car because I turned everything off and the headlights were on. And I was like, oh, our headlights were on the entire time, drawing attention to our car. And people were like seeing us dumbasses do it in the car. Yeah, he kicked the front.

[Avery Woods]

He was sitting in the back seat and the front seats were pushed forward. And I was on top of him facing like the back of the car. That was really the only way because he's so long. He can't like, flatten out.

[Big D]

He's so long.

[Avery Woods]

Well, no. Why did she say that? I'm saying, like, you wouldn't be able to get on top of me because you couldn't like extend your body out long because the car was so small. Small is what I'm saying. Like you sitting was the only option. Which. Jesus Christ, why don't we just wait.

[Big D]

Till we got went home Animals.

[Avery Woods]

Cuz we were young and we're like, this would be so cool.

[Big D]

So if we.

[Avery Woods]

In a movie theater parking lot. What Losers.

[Big D]

Cuz we would. We would never be brave enough to do it in the movie theaters.

[Avery Woods]

Literally. Losers. All right, let's see.

[Big D]

Still getting around to that fix on your car. You got this on ebay. You'll find millions of parts guaranteed to fit. Doesn't matter if it's a major engine repair or your first time swapping your windshield wipers. Ebay has that part you need ready to click perfectly into place for changes big and small, loud or quiet. Find all the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. But you already know that. Ebay things people love. Eligible items only. Exclusion supply.

[Avery Woods]

Oh my God. Target dressing room. Sometimes you just can't wait.

[Big D]

How do you pull that off?

[Avery Woods]

I. Well, okay. Have you seen the new Target? No, you've. Why would you see the new Target?

[Big D]

Every day I go to Target.

[Avery Woods]

The Target dressing rooms are like upgraded now. They're like these super nice. It looks like a. Like a. Almost like a Nordstrom dressing room with like these fancy lights and they're completely closed, like top to bottom. So if you're like.

[Big D]

It's a room.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Like, if you're quiet, you could.

[Big D]

But don't you have to like get. Sorry for interrupting.

[Avery Woods]

No, I was. The majority of the time, there's never anyone. I just walk right in.

[Big D]

There's never like the person there that counts your articles of clothing?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Wow.

[Big D]

They just trust you guys that much? You're not gonna steal stuff?

[Avery Woods]

Oh, apparently. But, well, that. Except for that one influencer. You hear about that? God, I forgot her name. But dude, she got caught. Okay. She built her entire butch. By the way, I clicked on her profile because I'd never seen her before. Of course she follows me. I'm like, jesus Christ. She gained an entire tick tock phone, like massive hundreds of thousands of followers by doing like shopping vlogs or hauls. And it was all like cleaning supplies or organization supplies ton at Target. Like.

[Big D]

Oh, like, so she was like a Target girl?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah. And like she was gaining so much traction and monetization. She got caught on the.

[Big D]

You know how there's like the monitor, the cctv.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah. She got caught putting other price tags on items and she was scanning it for her vlog and stuff. Dude, she had stolen tens of thousands of dollars Worth of. She got arrested.

[Big D]

So she was someone swapping the tags?

[Avery Woods]

Yes, someone. Someone caught her, made a TikTok about it. The target pulled the surveillance and caught her doing it.

[Big D]

No way.

[Avery Woods]

So not.

[Big D]

So she, she like provided the evidence via her videos?

[Avery Woods]

Yes.

[Big D]

Oh my. And someone saw that?

[Avery Woods]

Yes, yes. And it's crazy because like in her vlogs you can see her scanning the items, but you don't realize that the tags are switched.

[Big D]

Why? What? Why?

[Avery Woods]

Dude. Yeah, they released.

[Big D]

Oh my God.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah. It's insane.

[Big D]

For what kind of stuff?

[Avery Woods]

Like I'm saying, halls, shopping, vlogs, like she was like, that was her entire identity.

[Big D]

It's all like a write off.

[Avery Woods]

Yes, I know. And you're making so much money on monetization. Like, and she has kids. It's really sad. I'm like, girl, come on, go shop at the Dollar Tree or something. You know?

[Big D]

Is she not doing it anymore? She like that? Well, she's probably been banned.

[Avery Woods]

She also got banned from Target.

[Big D]

Oh yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Like, yeah, nationwide. Yeah.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I don't know what the update is now. I'm sure she's out of shell. She probably has to pay a fat fine and like pay back a bunch of items from Target.

[Big D]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure because that's considered fraud. So that's a felony. It's not like just shoplifting when you're actually doing like fraudulent exchanges or swiping other barcodes. I don't know.

[Avery Woods]

You're so smart.

[Big D]

I don't know anymore.

[Avery Woods]

Mr. X Cop told my fam I'm waiting till marriage, but we've been doing everything else but sex for years.

[Big D]

So you're Mormon?

[Avery Woods]

My high school boyfriend that was super Catholic gave me a promise ring and we promised are everyone that we were waiting till marriage because we were going to get married and we've been since 15 years old, so.

[Big D]

Well, I guess they didn't lie. Yeah, they're saving themselves from marriage.

[Avery Woods]

Exactly.

[Big D]

But they've been doing everything else.

[Avery Woods]

Penis in your mouth is not sex.

[Big D]

You know, I also heard like penis and the booty also.

[Avery Woods]

Okay. That's what Mormons at BYU do. They have a bunch of anal sex, like I'm a virgin. Their assholes like so loose.

[Big D]

Oh my God. Can you imagine? Just like you go to the bedroom and there's just like, you know, old fashioned donuts. Okay, Follow me.

[Avery Woods]

Oh God.

[Big D]

Think of an old fashioned donut.

[Avery Woods]

Okay.

[Big D]

They're all, they're all like prolapse looking. Oh, you know, you see? Thank you. Scotty does exactly what I'm talking about, like, you look at a donut, a regular donut. I'm comparing buttholes to donuts.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. What's going on? Conversation going.

[Big D]

No, I'm just saying. Thank you. This isn't me. No. E, look up old fashioned donut so Avery can see it.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, I want.

[Big D]

We need a. We need a TV on the wall hooked up to Internet so you can pull.

[Avery Woods]

Jamie, pull it up.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Ew, ew, ew.

[Big D]

Okay, she's. I saved myself for you. Then you open it up.

[Avery Woods]

Open her up like it's a package.

[Big D]

This old fashion donut.

[Avery Woods]

Listen, I just, like, what's the point of doing that when you can just, like, you know, embrace? Well, I guess. Okay. It's different when it's religion because they feel so much shame, which is so sad.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

So they kind of try to get around it, and you know what? If that makes you feel better, whatever. But for this girl, it's all right, babe. Like, we've all been there, and you're just living your life and you love him so much that you want to. It's normal.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

All right.

[Big D]

Love that.

[Avery Woods]

Boyfriend had me on the bed with the lights off and red light on and came in like, ghost face with a knife.

[Big D]

Wait, what? Oh, role play. So she's on the bed with a red light on, and then he comes into the room.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

With ghost face and a knife. What do you do with the knife? Like, what's going on here?

[Avery Woods]

Was it fake or was it real? That's what I wanted.

[Big D]

Now I hope that was fake.

[Avery Woods]

Scary. What? The blood kinks on Grindr. Like, they get attracted to watching you bleed. They want to bleed on you, so.

[Big D]

They, like, hurt themselves to.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, that's sad. Have you ever done it?

[Big D]

I was just gonna ask Scotty.

[Avery Woods]

He's like, only on Mondays. Only on Mondays.

[Big D]

Sunday's the Sabbath. We don't make our sacrifice till Monday.

[Avery Woods]

I just like, oh, my God. See, I just, like, can't get off from that. There's no.

[Big D]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

[Avery Woods]

I don't get it.

[Big D]

I mean, cool. Whatever. I kind of like the idea of, like, the mood lighting, though.

[Avery Woods]

The mood lighting's cool.

[Big D]

Remember when, like, we just throw on our bathroom light and. Remember when we call it a day?

[Avery Woods]

Remember when we used to turn on the lamp next to the bed, but it was so bright, so we'd put a blanket over it?

[Big D]

Yeah. And we had. The blanket was colored, so it kind of threw like a. Yeah. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I wonder if there's, like, cool Ambiance, sex, lighting. We should buy some.

[Big D]

I bet, I bet there is. You probably just buy like a light.

[Avery Woods]

We'll buy it in our new house. Because I don't want to get anything else in this house.

[Big D]

I'm pretty sure our hat. You can change the lights on. We could just like put on like a different color on the hatch sound machine.

[Avery Woods]

But like, what if we had like stars all over the room? Like the hatch white noise is so lame, you know?

[Big D]

So if I'm on top of you, you're just gonna be like, looking at the stars.

[Avery Woods]

I'm like, I'm like Elon Musk. I'm like Elon at the inauguration, like.

[Big D]

Just looking at it.

[Avery Woods]

Oh yeah.

[Big D]

We had to smoke a bunch of weed for that to happen, hun.

[Avery Woods]

That would be so fun.

[Big D]

Us last night smoking weed, looking at the stars. We're like, oh, look at the stars.

[Avery Woods]

I love us. Honestly, I hope our kids think we're cool when they're older.

[Big D]

They don't think we're cool now.

[Avery Woods]

No, they definitely. Well, Anaya and Sydney do.

[Big D]

Yeah. Yeah, they think we're cool. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

They're not embarrassed by us or anything. Hopefully.

[Big D]

I love how we're like, we're like, we're like so.

[Avery Woods]

No, it's fine. They totally, they totally.

[Big D]

We're so cool.

[Avery Woods]

Completely lying.

[Big D]

Like, that's literally what every loser parent says.

[Avery Woods]

First time doing it, my boyfriend lost the condom. Couldn't find it anywhere, then found it in me the next day. Oh, that's a yucky feeling. Was it full of semen? Like, did the semen escape you?

[Big D]

Yeah, they escaped. You know, they were on the hunt for the egg.

[Avery Woods]

Give me that.

[Big D]

They've been like suffocated in a condom. Then they have to make it out of the car to the A.

[Avery Woods]

Do not with condoms. Never have, never will. God. I was taking plan B like it was a daily vitamin over using condoms.

[Big D]

Ok, true story. I had.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, it was so expensive.

[Big D]

And 50 bucks each time our account.

[Avery Woods]

Was in the red and I was like, can I get a plan B, please?

[Big D]

No, I would buy them for you.

[Avery Woods]

Because I wouldn't wrap. Wrap his dick up. Oh my God.

[Big D]

Remember when you sent me to Walgreens or CVS and you're like, I need tampons and a plan B?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Why would we do that though? Okay, so you would take it even if you're on your period. You didn't care. We just want to be careful. We were so dumb.

[Avery Woods]

What? Did I really?

[Big D]

Yes. Because I vividly remember getting Your plan B and tampons. And the lady checking me out was, like, giving me the, like, most up probably. And I thought, oh, like, I'm buying. She probably thinks I'm so crazy buying family. But now I think about. She's probably like, why the is this guy buying tampons?

[Avery Woods]

And she's like, oh, tampons for his wife and plan Bs for his mistress. Oh, God, that's so. Yeah. What an idiot. My man sucks my toes, people.

[Big D]

There's foot. The foot thing's a big thing. You have nice feet, but that's just not my. My.

[Avery Woods]

It's also not my cup of tea. Like, I don't want saliva in between my toes. I also just, like, feet are just dirty. Like, no matter how clean you are.

[Big D]

I just, like, Is the enjoyment, though, him sucking her toes or her receiving toe sucking?

[Avery Woods]

I don't know. It doesn't say. It just says, my man sucks my toes. Because, like, she had the devil emoji. Like. Like she liked it.

[Big D]

Yeah. I mean, feet are sensitive. Feet are like. I feel like feet are like. They anchor you. They're like the inner energy.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Like walking on the beach barefoot, it's like you're connected to the earth. So maybe for them, that's their connection.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, that's cute.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

So romantic.

[Big D]

I know.

[Avery Woods]

You should suck my toes today.

[Big D]

I will. You know, I like popping toes. Popping toes. That is fun.

[Avery Woods]

That's not a sexual thing for you?

[Big D]

Well, no, it's not a sexual thing. I just torture us.

[Avery Woods]

He'll literally pop the kid's toes. But now it used to be like, dad, don't do it. Now he's like, dad, can he pop my toes?

[Big D]

Now they're addicted. Yeah, they love it.

[Avery Woods]

So funny.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

But no, I just. When people tell me about foot fetishes and stuff, like, even jacking off guys with their feet. That's weird to me.

[Big D]

Let me see her. Let me see you try.

[Avery Woods]

Like, you have never been into that. You've never been in a titty. Like, that's not your vibe. No, but I also can't imagine me like.

[Big D]

Like, can you imagine?

[Avery Woods]

Feel good? What the. Can you imagine what did that to you?

[Big D]

Did you come, he sucked on your toes and then gave you a foot job?

[Avery Woods]

So he was like a big guy. Holy Scott. No. You don't like it? Oof. Yeah. No.

[Big D]

Did you have to, like. Did you, like, squirt lotion on his feet or did you know?

[Avery Woods]

Oh, I hate that. No, I don't like that for you. No. Good. I'm glad that you had a negative experience. No, honestly, we don't judge here. Whatever you're into, have fun with that.

[Big D]

No, but so I think that indicates she likes it with her. With the little devil emoji.

[Avery Woods]

And if that works for them. Yeah, absolutely.

[Big D]

Every. Everyone has their things.

[Avery Woods]

Okay. I kind of loved this because the girl that submitted it looked very. And I.

[Big D]

Listen, I like the background on this.

[Avery Woods]

I am judging a book by its cover. I'm gonna be completely honest, and you could tell me if I'm wrong. She just looked, like, very innocent, conservative, wearing like a very, like, you know, wasn't showing a lot of skin. Like, just. You can just tell, you know. So I love this. Caught my husb. What?

[Big D]

I got this. I got the picture.

[Avery Woods]

Okay. Caught my husband masturbating. And I hate to admit it, but I was completely turned on.

[Big D]

Whoa.

[Avery Woods]

Naughty.

[Big D]

Okay, first of all, admit it. Like, admit it to your husband, especially if it's a turn on. Guarantee you granted, he's going to be embarrassed that he. That she caught him. And I don't know if she caught him and walked away or if she caught him and like, said like, what the. Yeah, but then, like, take that and be like, oh, he's. He's into that, or she's into that. So then he could like set up something and be like, hey, baby, when you come home, I have a surprise for you. And then she walks through the door and he's jerking off.

[Avery Woods]

I love that. Playing this entire scenario.

[Big D]

No, like, I love that. I love. Like, that's one thing. Like, like, I know you so well that I know. Well, one thing, like, little. Little tip thing out there is like, pleasure your spouse. Like, for me, I get pleasure. More pleasure from pleasuring you. Does that make sense?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. So you want him to know about it so that they can.

[Big D]

Right. So then he knows. Exactly. Thank you for helping me with my sentence. So now he knows, like, oh, she actually liked this. This is like a turn on for her. Maybe like a foreplay thing for her.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

So then that could be the turn on that leads into, like some really amazing, like, hanky panky, hooking up time.

[Avery Woods]

That's true. And also I think masturbation is a very normal thing. And unfortunately, people look at it very taboo or as a sin, especially when they're religious. And so I'm kind of getting the vibes that, like, you were probably offended at first and you kind of thought about it more and were more turned on or like, maybe you guys grew up or were taught that masturbation is a sin.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Because I think that's a big factor for people too. Or spouses, like get offended.

[Big D]

Yeah. Also I think too, it's like, come on, let's be real people sometimes going through the entire orchestration of having sex, even though it's awesome. Sometimes you just don't got the time or you don't have like the willpower or the mental fortitude to like do that.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

And so like your little pink purple boyfriend and my hand sometimes just like knows what to do and can do it quick, efficiently move on to the next thing.

[Avery Woods]

It's very true.

[Big D]

And also I feel like dudes just jack off. Like, that's just the thing.

[Avery Woods]

When wives are so like, oh my God, I'm so offended. Like, don't do that. It's just they're doing it anyways. Even if you think that they are not or they are telling you they are not, they are a hundred percent beating that me on a weekly basis.

[Big D]

We straight up talk about it though. In fact, we have recently. I was like, so when's the last time you masturbated? And it's not like we're drinking our coffee. Like we knew we were doing this podcast and so we're just talking.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big D]

Topic of conversation. And we're like, oh, here. Then whatever. Oh, okay. When then?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Oh, where was I? Oh, I was. Oh, whatever. It's.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

And we cares.

[Avery Woods]

That's just more healthy. It's just the healthier way to go about it.

[Big D]

There's going to come a point in your life after you've been married for a fucking long ass time you're not going to be anymore.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Grandma and grandpa, case in point. Which one of the things they told us, like, you can't be with someone just because you like having sex. Yeah. Your relationship at a point won't be doing that.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

So you have to like, there has to be something else going.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Grandpa was deaf and blind. And they were just sitting with their recliners next to each other. Probably hadn't had sex in 20 years. And just sit in silence all day. But they felt each other's company.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

And every. Every hour or so they check in. How you doing, honey? Just one quick word. She'd be like, I'm fine.

[Big D]

They pat each other's hands, each other's hands.

[Avery Woods]

And then they keep walking like. But they were madly in love, you.

[Big D]

Know, but like they probably. But, you know, before that they were going to pound town.

[Avery Woods]

And while you're young, your brains out how? As much sex as you want. I actually want to tell the story about when I caught you mastering that one time, because I think it's so funny. And I want to embarrass you because this is one of the funniest stories.

[Big D]

Literally caught me, dick in hand.

[Avery Woods]

Okay, well, here's the thing. I was. I. I was gonna excuse myself for this. I was so bothered by it. Only because in my mind, I wanted to have sex that night.

[Big D]

And did we have sex that night?

[Avery Woods]

No, because I was so mad.

[Big D]

Oh, no. Come on. We never last mad each other more than like, 30 minutes.

[Avery Woods]

Hold on, let me. No, we did not have sex that night. But let me explain the story, because people are gonna die. So we lived in an apartment. I was in nursing school, and David was really into this video game. I don't even know what that.

[Big D]

Now it's sounding weird. Continue.

[Avery Woods]

No, what's the video game?

[Big D]

Oh, it was with the zombies. It sounds like I'm jerking off. The zombies.

[Avery Woods]

No, he wasn't.

[Big D]

Call of Duty. No.

[Avery Woods]

Anyways, he had. We didn't have. We had a tiny apartment, so we did not have an office or anywhere.

[Big D]

So our desktop was on the kitchen counter.

[Avery Woods]

If you tell the story for me.

[Big D]

Okay.

[Avery Woods]

All right.

[Big D]

I'm gonna nurse my black rock and.

[Avery Woods]

God. So on. We lived in this small apartment. So you walk in, and the kitchen's on the left, and it's a big island with bar stool. So the last bar stool up against the wall was his desktop computer. And I'm like, what do you want for dinner? He's like, let's just get McDonald's. And I was like, yeah, McDonald's sounds amazing. I want some chicken nuggets. The McDonald's was two minutes down the road. I leave while he's playing his video games, and I go get McDonald's. I am gone for maybe 15 minutes, maybe. I walk in the apartment and I open the door, shirtless, with his boxers and his ankles sitting on the bars.

[Big D]

Hey, stop. Draw. Like, watching porn. He's like, God damn it.

[Avery Woods]

And all. I look down at his feet and I see his underwear. His legs spread like this.

[Big D]

Oh, so gross. I'm so sorry.

[Avery Woods]

Hole on the bar stool.

[Big D]

Oh, God.

[Avery Woods]

Watching porn on the desktop computer. But his gaming headphones. We, like, really hears, like, surround sound. But I was like, you couldn't wait 15 minutes for me to come home and then me?

[Big D]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know.

[Avery Woods]

You were also like, what, 20?

[Big D]

The only thing I can. The only thing I can say Gentlemen, if you're gonna do that, take off the noise canceling headphones cuz you can't hear except what you're watching and.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah, you didn't hear me, like opening the apartment.

[Big D]

Thank God. Like you didn't walk in like as I was finishing or something like that. That would have been the way that you're.

[Avery Woods]

I remember I took my. I put your McDonald's on the counter and I like, what? I threw a fit. Walk in the bedroom, lock the door, sit in bed and like, angry, eat my chicken nuggets. And I'm like texting him. I'm like, that was so weird.

[Big D]

But I was probably like, that was weird and I have blue balls.

[Avery Woods]

It was like, God damn it, my nuts are.

[Big D]

At least I didn't like, while you were in the room. Like, well, I might as well finish knocking it out. I'm here already. Can you imagine? Oh, you hear like a. Oh, yeah. What the. Are you kidding?

[Avery Woods]

Kidding me right now?

[Big D]

Got my sweet and sour with a nugget.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Oh my God. Holy. Okay, let me tell that story. That's so funny.

[Big D]

Oh.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God. You've never caught me.

[Big D]

No, no. But when you, you confessed to me that one time, you're like, oh. Because we were literally this con. This goes back and it ties into our topic of when we were talking about masturbation and we're like, oh, when was the last time you did? And we were talking about that and I asked, oh, when did. When did you last? And then you said. And I was like, wait, I was home and sleeping. Where were you? And you went to bed with me. What happened? You're like, it hit me, the urge. So I snuck out of bed and put myself in the closet. I'm like, are you me? I'm sleeping in bed and you're 20ft away in our closet. Literally. That's. Yeah, that's funny. Never caught you.

[Avery Woods]

Oh my God.

[Big D]

Never.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, no. You know, I always put my back up against the door too. So you can't.

[Big D]

Do you see? I didn't know that. Do you really?

[Avery Woods]

My worst fears have you walk in. In that very vulnerable moment in.

[Big D]

In our closet.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

So you put your back up against the door.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

That is so funny to me.

[Avery Woods]

You're snoring so loud in the bedroom. I'm like, oh, this is not gonna wake up.

[Big D]

No. Once I fall asleep, I'm like a child. I will not wake up until the following morning.

[Avery Woods]

My boyfriend, while he was driving my car.

[Big D]

Wow.

[Avery Woods]

How was he? Okay.

[Big D]

Pounds.

[Avery Woods]

No, I Know I'm like, how light are you?

[Big D]

That is how really dangerous the gas.

[Avery Woods]

And the brake and steering.

[Big D]

Like, as a former police officer, all I can think of, like, you guys getting an accident and me showing up and there's like two naked bodies in the driver's seat in a crash car. Oh, that was morbid. Sorry. Yeah. Didn't mean to take it there quick.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Honestly, the talent behind that. I want to know if. If he got off while he was driving.

[Big D]

I don't know how guys can get off doing that. Personally, I can't.

[Avery Woods]

I know you. If you have.

[Big D]

When we were driving on your mind. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

It's so hard for you.

[Big D]

We tried it once. The. The whole road head thing.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah. You hated it.

[Big D]

And we gave up. Like, even like, I'm talking adaptive cruise control. Lane keep assist was activated. Everything was in my favor to keep the car on the roadway. And I still could not, like, yeah, hone in.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big D]

And we're just like, all right, we're done with this. I don't know. I had a mind block too, because you had to take your seatbelt off. That really bothered me.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

So you were like, unseat belted the.

[Avery Woods]

I had like the strap.

[Big D]

Oh, you flipped it around.

[Avery Woods]

It definitely was not safe.

[Big D]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Avery Woods]

It was just like, like you like had your left hand on the wheel and like right hand like kind of down my.

[Big D]

Oh, yeah, I was fingering you.

[Avery Woods]

My pants. But then. Yeah, but why were. My ass is in the air. This semi truck drove by and the guy like looked and I was like, oh, no. He was like, oh, yeah.

[Big D]

God bless those semi truck drivers. He probably needed that.

[Avery Woods]

Probably. It's probably been a while for him. Yeah, I feel that. You're welcome. All right. Accidentally sent my brother in law a full nude of myself because he has the same name as my boyfriend. That's so embarrassing.

[Big D]

I wonder what the response was.

[Avery Woods]

I would crawl. That is my biggest fear. I would crawl in a hole and die. No, like a family member like that. Especially a brother in law. That would be rough.

[Big D]

You're like, hey, Happy Thanksgiving.

[Avery Woods]

And it's like, what do you tell your sister? Like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I just sent your husband a picture of myself naked.

[Big D]

What if he just like did like the thumbs up emoji or something? Like, thanks or okay. Like, yeah, not good.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. I. If I said anything like that, I am like, triple check. I can't. Also cannot be under the influence because God knows what the. I'll Send. Or who I'll send it to.

[Big D]

You send me all the time.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, I do, but, like, I make sure it's you, you know?

[Big D]

Very true.

[Avery Woods]

That would be awful.

[Big D]

Does Android. Do you have an. No, you have an Apple. Because now Apple has the unsend button, so you could unsend it.

[Avery Woods]

It only works if the other person has that access, though. If someone doesn't have the newest iPhone or the update, it'll still send to them.

[Big D]

I think if I was her, I would have, like, the minute. And I'm like, oh, me. Like, I would call.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, me too.

[Big D]

Be like, yo, open your text.

[Avery Woods]

Just delete it. I was like, delete the whole thread, please. Yeah. Oh, that sucks. Well, hopefully everything turned out fine.

[Big D]

I'm sure it did.

[Avery Woods]

Ex husband and I on a Spirit Airlines flight while I was seven months pregnant. The.

[Big D]

How'd you fit?

[Avery Woods]

No, the. The talent to do that.

[Big D]

She didn't even say where.

[Avery Woods]

Dude, I think about, like, a bathroom or in, like, American or Southwest. I wouldn't even be able to fit in there pregnant by myself because I was such a.

[Big D]

We're talking Spirit Airlines. They probably don't have big bathrooms the size of me.

[Avery Woods]

When I was pregnant, I wouldn't have been able to even gone in those bathroom. And then adding you my height. There's no we.

[Big D]

Also, like, how do you. I don't understand how people even pull that off.

[Avery Woods]

I don't know.

[Big D]

So first of all, Spirit Airlines is an international. I think you could get away with it maybe on an international flight.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Because there's a lot more space. You're flying for, like, extended periods of time, so people settle down and get quiet. So Spirit Airlines, you're flying domestic, probably not a long flight. It's already super, like, open in those little, like, the little basic, small Spirit planes.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

And then now you have, like, what? There's two bathrooms on that entire plane.

[Avery Woods]

And then people watching you guys go in together, you know?

[Big D]

Yeah. Like. Well, I don't know. Maybe Spirit. Maybe there wasn't anybody on the flight. Maybe, though, they were it. But then the stewardess would know.

[Avery Woods]

That's insane. Honestly, I would love to join the mile high club. I wish we did. In the private jet to Bora Bora.

[Big D]

Okay. What? There's 10 people on that plane.

[Avery Woods]

Close the door.

[Big D]

That's true. Oh, that's true. There was that big. The big bathroom in the back with, like, the closet back there.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

There's a season opportunity, but now Vegas has a thing.

[Avery Woods]

What?

[Big D]

They have, like, a private charter thing. Where you literally pay to go up and you fly like a circle around Vegas. It's like an hour flight or something. So they take you up, they show you the strip lights and all that pretty stuff, and then there's, like, a bed in this little private plane to be the Mile High club. Yeah, that's all it's for. Yeah, yeah. That's all it's for.

[Avery Woods]

The amount of bodily fluids.

[Big D]

There's semen everywhere.

[Avery Woods]

Everywhere in there that I don't like that.

[Big D]

I'm sure they sanitize it and, like.

[Avery Woods]

But, like, how weird to be like, hey.

[Big D]

Also. Also, I kind of feel like the pilots probably, they have, like, their headphones on so they can't hear anything going on back there. And I bet there's, like, agreements and contractual stuff to show that they're not doing anything. Yeah. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Like, so next week, I think I'd.

[Big D]

Be down to try it, but I don't. I can't guarantee I'd finish. Yeah, just like, knowing, like, who's up.

[Avery Woods]

There all about you.

[Big D]

Not saying I wouldn't do it. I'm just saying, like, I might not be able to finish, so don't be mad when I don't listen.

[Avery Woods]

You're a fucking queen for that. And the fact that you're seven months pregnant. I applaud you because you couldn't catch me Dead seven months.

[Big D]

Whose idea was it? Was it her idea? Was it his idea?

[Avery Woods]

You're asking me questions I don't know the answer to.

[Big D]

Because if it was, if it was, in our shoes, it would be your idea. 100%.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Well, yeah, I was a fudgeing horn dog, and I was. Are you kidding me? One time my boyfriend was in my ass and found some shit.

[Big D]

That. I mean, that's just comes with the territory.

[Avery Woods]

You've never found shit in my asshole.

[Big D]

No, but I feel like you're telling me. No, I haven't.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, God.

[Big D]

No.

[Avery Woods]

You're alive.

[Big D]

No. Okay. God. God damn it, Scotty. No, listen, listen, listen. Here's the thing. It comes with the territory. Come on. It comes with the territory.

[Avery Woods]

And. And that's. There's never this ass again.

[Big D]

No. Onto the next different. No, no, no. Settle. Subtle.

[Avery Woods]

Hate to admit it, but my husband and I in a porta potty at a country.

[Big D]

Oh, at a country festival.

[Avery Woods]

That's gross. I'm sorry.

[Big D]

Oh, it's probably so hot.

[Avery Woods]

Like, I love you so much, but there's no amount of alcohol and fetishes. Okay.

[Big D]

Is that really making you gag just.

[Avery Woods]

Thinking about the dirty Toilet paper that's always in the ground. Like, the open blues toilet. Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.

[Big D]

I'm sure. I'm sure.

[Avery Woods]

A lot of trailers out there with cowboy boots and putting beer and IVs and injecting it in their veins. Like, that's what they do at country music.

[Big D]

What? What did you just say? Putting what in their veins?

[Avery Woods]

You know. You know, those people get crazy. Who knows? Maybe they put, like, Miller Light in their veins. Just stop.

[Big D]

Oh, my gosh. Just butt chugging. No, that's like, a frat thing.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my. Ew.

[Big D]

That. That's like.

[Avery Woods]

And those boys are like, we hate gay people, but they're chugging beer in their ass. Okay. Homophobic freaks.

[Big D]

It's the fastest way to get drunk, apparently.

[Avery Woods]

Have you done that?

[Big D]

No, I've never done that. We've literally had this conversation about, like, the. Remember? Who was it? The. There was, like, some story we read about where they were, like, injecting hard liquor. Not injecting, but, like, putting hard liquor up their buttholes because it, like, instantly gets you drunk. And there was, like, a kid that died from it.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, he was brain dead.

[Big D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I think you do that in your. Too.

[Big D]

Get drunk from your.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. You can put drugs in your and get high. You can put Zins. You can put Zins in your and get high. You can soak tampons in vodka and get up. Yeah. I've never done it, swear to God. I would admit it if I had, but, yeah, people crazy. All right. First time I hooked up with a girl, I had long acrylic nails. And I still feel this day.

[Big D]

I feel like, why, though? How? And why would you even. Like, you're a girl, you know that?

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, well, maybe the girl asked for it.

[Big D]

Okay. All right. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

You know, I would hope it wasn't against.

[Big D]

And you have, like, bedazzled brain.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah. My gems would get lost deep in that.

[Big D]

Because also, yours are daggers. Look at those things.

[Avery Woods]

I know I do. Almond. So they're pointy little. But when you. When you have square ones, too, that would hurt because the edges are so sharp, you know, the corner.

[Big D]

I mean, so what? What you just.

[Avery Woods]

Damn.

[Big D]

Girls don't finger girls or just don't.

[Avery Woods]

Have your nails done or they. Yeah, they don't have acrylic nails. Stalked a guy so hard, like, FBI status. I even found out where his dad worked.

[Big D]

Wow.

[Avery Woods]

I did that to you. I already knew your parents first and last names before I ever.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Went on a date with you.

[Big D]

I feel like that's common, though.

[Avery Woods]

Does that freak you out?

[Big D]

No, not really. I feel like. Yeah, that's good.

[Avery Woods]

I have one actually, that screenshot on my phone that I want to read because I thought it was hilarious. We hung a sex swing in our bedroom door, and the swing somehow jammed the door shut. I desperately had to pee. So we were working together to get the door open. My fingers got jammed between the door and the frame. I completely passed out still. Butt, ass naked and dangling from my fingertips. Were engaged now.

[Big D]

So she was in the sex swing when she fully passed out.

[Avery Woods]

Fingers were jammed. So she was fully passed out with her fingers.

[Big D]

Oh, my God, that's terrifying.

[Avery Woods]

So your poor fiance was probably so scared.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Could you imagine? I'm never doing a sex swing. I feel like I hear so many scary stories of sex swings. Yeah. Of it just, like, falling out of the ceiling.

[Big D]

And I didn't know there was ones that hang from doors. That's kind of cool. Cuz I thought they were all, like, installed into rafters, like, and had to hang from, like, support.

[Avery Woods]

Oh. After hearing that story, count me the out.

[Big D]

Also, like, there's a lot going on there. And she desperately had to pee. I'm confused.

[Avery Woods]

Like, she wanted to get out of the swing because the door was jammed shut. So she was trying to get in the door.

[Big D]

I see.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God. She probably peed herself. Passed out too. Poor thing. Yeah. She's probably like this, bro. And you know what? You're engaged now. I love that for you. Sometimes you got to go through some traumatic and. Yeah, it works out.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

You know, sometimes it's better to just like, get the most embarrassing moments out of the way.

[Big D]

Yeah. Because then it's like, after that.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. Do we have any confessions? That's all the. The submissions that we had that I.

[Big D]

I feel like we sprinkled in a lot of good stuff.

[Avery Woods]

We did. One time we had sex in an apartment complex. Public Jacuzzi.

[Big D]

Yeah, we did.

[Avery Woods]

In the middle of the apartment complex. And people were in the pool right next to us.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

And I was on top of you. It was so obvious. The water was literally sp. In like a rhythmic motion as I was humping your penis.

[Big D]

Oh, my God. I remember that. Yeah. That was stupid.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Sorry. There was no kids, though.

[Avery Woods]

No. Oh, my God. No.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

And it was also, like, midnight.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

And everyone in the pool. I think it was like three people. And they were drunk as.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

So we were like, well, whatever.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Wow.

[Big D]

We were also pretty drunk then too.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah. I'M pretty sure I threw up in the rocks that night.

[Big D]

That was the night you threw up in the rocks. Because we. We literally stood by our freezer and we had like some random ass flavored Smirnoff.

[Avery Woods]

It was green apple Smirnoff.

[Big D]

And we literally, when I would take. We were chugging that and chasing it with what? Diet Coke.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God.

[Big D]

Or something. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I'm like, can I get a bottle of your nicest cab, please Restaurant? I was like, chugging it. My nose plugged. Ew. No. And then it was those girls gave us those strong ass margaritas.

[Big D]

Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

And I was so young, I had like no experience drinking, so probably just tasted good. Yeah. And I just chugged it. And then the Jacuzzi, the heat of the Jacuzzi me up. Because those Jacuzzis are kept at like 104.

[Big D]

Yes.

[Avery Woods]

Plus the cardiac, the cardio. Going into humping.

[Big D]

Yeah. Because afterwards I got hot and so I went in the pool. And you said you wanted to sit. And so you were sitting on like one of those, like pool chairs or whatever outside of the Jacuzzi. And I remember I looked over from the pole and you were puking off the chair into a hole.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

I'm like, oh, my God, she's so sick right now. And then I see her with her foot burying her vomit like a wild dog and just sitting there vomiting. It was like when we were in Cancun. Remember when we were in Cancun? And you're like, I gotta get home right now. I'm so sick.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, my God. That was like, that, that was so.

[Big D]

So. But so in Cancun, this resort we were at, like, you had to take a 10 minute golf cart ride back to your place.

[Avery Woods]

I also want to preface, when we went to Cancun, I was like, maybe five months postpartum with Stevie, and she was exclusively breastfeeding. So I had pumped and filled an entire chest freezer, a Costco chest freezer full of breast milk to you. So I was just pumping and dumping this whole trip because I was like, I want to have fun. And so obviously my tolerance was very low because, A, I was pregnant. And then for the first five months of her life, I was maybe having like an occasional glass of wine because I was breastfeeding. So I went ham. And my tolerance was nothing because I hadn't drank in so long.

[Big D]

Yeah. And then when we were in Cancun, it rained the entire time. So all we had to do was literally like bar hop.

[Avery Woods]

And it was also an all inclusive resort.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

So we weren't paying for anything but tipping.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

So we were. What was. The shots that we were taking, we were obsessed with.

[Big D]

So I don't remember the name of them, but in Mexico, it's like a shot of tomato juice, a shot of tequila, and then a chaser of lime juice.

[Avery Woods]

It was so.

[Big D]

It was three different shot glasses. And so we literally. Because it was like an all inclusive place, you didn't pay for anything. We tipped our guy like, a hundred bucks.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. And we're like, keep them coming.

[Big D]

And he literally would just keep them like.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. He was taking good care.

[Big D]

Those three shot glasses, just keep topping them off with all of those ingredients. And we got so messed up.

[Avery Woods]

Well, those were dangerous because when you take those chasers, you literally cannot taste the alcohol.

[Big D]

It was when they were so good.

[Avery Woods]

So especially freaking good from Mexico was so good. Yeah. So we did that all day. We got massages. And then that night we went to a speakeasy where we met some. We met the detectives that arrested Scott Peterson.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

From the.

[Big D]

Scott and Lacy Peterson after having sushi. So we had nothing in our stomach.

[Avery Woods]

So I was obsessed. Obsessed with that case even before the Netflix documentary, because this was when Stevie was five months old. So this is like, almost four years ago.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I was obsessed with that case because I love, like, murder mysteries. And so we were talking all. Because we're like, oh, David's a cop. And we were all, like, connecting. They were so cool. Loved them.

[Big D]

And they were putting it back.

[Avery Woods]

They were throwing it back. And they were like. We were getting espresso martinis because I was like, I need to stay awake.

[Big D]

Oh, yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I think I'm doing shots in between and doing shots in between. I went to the bathroom, remember? And I was just on the floor puking. I literally just calling him, like, come get me.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

I could not function. That was the drunkest I've ever been in my life.

[Big D]

So then we. You were sitting on the bench waiting for the golf cart, and I was like, don't puke in the golf cart.

[Avery Woods]

Because the resort was so big, they had to take you by golf cart.

[Big D]

And it was raining. So these were, like, enclosed golf carts. They like, put these things over them so the water wouldn't get on you. And I'm like, don't you puke in this golf cart when we get on it. And you were. You were really, really drunk. And so you were literally puking on the floor in front of the. The bench. And then we Get. You didn't puke in the golf cart. We get back to the hotel room, and you spent probably 16 hours in the shower.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

Thank God. Like, it doesn't run out of hot water.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah.

[Big D]

You were literally curled up, like, in a ball on the shower floor all night. But shout out to, like, Mexico's resort.

[Avery Woods]

Oh, yeah.

[Big D]

I called room service, and I was like, my wife is really, really drunk. Really sick. They had, like, a full pack of, like, Zofran everything for you. They're like, do you want an I.V. like, what can we do for you?

[Avery Woods]

They were amazing.

[Big D]

It was legitimate, but, yeah, that was wild.

[Avery Woods]

I was on that shower. I still have those photos of me naked, curled up in a ball, just with the shower pound. I literally could not leave the shower.

[Big D]

I know, because I took photos. I'm like, look at this.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah, I know. We were saying it to Ashley. Look how up she is. And I also was just puking in the drain. And then it's, like, feeling clean because I felt so gross.

[Big D]

I was like, I don't waffle. Stomping your puke down the drain. Ew. You're a waffle stomper.

[Avery Woods]

Okay, you're cut off. That's the end of this episode.

[Big D]

Thanks for having me again.

[Avery Woods]

Yeah. You're never coming back after all that.

[Big D]

Thank God.

[Avery Woods]

No, we. We loved your guys's confessions because you make us feel normal. So I'm so glad we.

[Big D]

So normal. So normal.

[Avery Woods]

I know. It was so fun.

[Big D]

Yeah.

[Avery Woods]

Cheers.

[Big D]

Appreciate it.

[Avery Woods]

I don't have anything. Yeah.

[Big D]

Empty. Drink it all.

[Avery Woods]

Mine's on the floor. Trash.

[Big D]

I love you.

[Avery Woods]

Bye. Love you.

[Big D]

Should we take it upstairs?

[Avery Woods]

Oh, shut the upper.