← CHEERS! with Avery Woods
CHEERS! with Avery Woods
it’s okay to ask for help | avery woods
00:45:08
Avery gets real. In this solo episode, she opens up about the mental health struggles she's quietly been navigating over the past year, why she wasn't herself, what finally pushed her to get help, and how she's found her way back. She answers your questions about therapy, anxiety, relationships, motherhood, and what it actually looks like to rebuild when your cup is empty.
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I have an extra pair in the garage too that I wear outside if I'm taking out the trash or doing yard work. Not like I'm really doing yard work. David's doing yard work but I just go bother him while he's doing it. And I'm always wearing my lakehouse clogs and he always tells me how cute I look. The comfort, the fit, the fabric of everything from Cozy Earth is amazing. And on top of it all, I have Cozy Earth on my bed as well because they are my favorite sheets in the world. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day, not just the moment you get home. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code CHEERS for an exclusive 20% off. That's code CHEERS for an exclusive exclusive 20 off. And if you see a post purchase survey mention that you heard about Cozy Earth right here. Comfort lives here. Hey, it's Avery. Welcome to Cheers. I've been seeing so many people in my comments be like, oh, my God, the old Avery's back. And I kind of want to talk about that because I feel like I was definitely not myself for a very long time because for me, when I'm struggling mentally, I just can't fake it. It's not an option for me. And the last year was really hard. Especially when your job, the job that provides for your family is you share your life online and you record yourself. It's. It's really hard for me to fake being happy and being myself. I've never really struggled with my mental health, to be honest with you, until this last year when I turned 30. And it's interesting because mental health runs very heavily in my family. And I always thought that it maybe just skipped over me or I got lucky or I was just the strong one, which I do feel like I've always kind of been the backbone of my family. David always says that. David always says that I am always the person that everyone confides in and leans on because I'm, you know, the quote, strong one. And so I feel like this last year when I realized that I was not okay, it was really, really difficult for me to admit that because for me, it was almost like a sign of weakness. And the way I was raised was to not admit that. I feel very privileged with the life that I was raised in. We didn't have everything in the world. We didn't, you know, come from a lot of money, but we grew up in a safe household. We have a roof over our head. My mom cooked every meal. We were able to play sports and do extracurricular activities like a typical middle class American family. But, you know, my dad would always say, if someone hits you, hit him back 10 times harder. That was kind of the way that we were raised. And I think it made me very tough. But I think also deep down, it made me want to suppress my weaknesses rather than embrace them. And I think the difference too is I've always known how real mental health is. I've never thought mental health is an excuse or a stigma. I think it also helps too. With my background in nursing, I felt very educated on mental health. And so I knew that I was struggling. It was just I couldn't admit it to not just myself, but those around me. And unfortunately, that did bite me in the ass because it got so bad. It got to a point where it wasn't manageable. I wasn't functioning. And it scared the People around me, especially my husband, and I feel an immense amount of guilt for suppressing that for so long. Because I was not the person that I should have been. I wasn't the mom that I should have been. I wasn't the wife I should have been. I wasn't the friend that I should have been. And looking back now, I realized you can't pour from an empty cup. And one thing about me is I tend to drop everything to help everyone around me. I've always been like that. I've always tried to run to help people in need, but that's really hard to do and can really eat a weight at you if your cup is empty. And I wanted to make this episode to talk about mental health, to let you guys know it's okay if you're struggling. It's okay to admit it. It's okay to get help. Because I wish that I had something like this to listen to when I was in darkest phase of my life. When you share your life online and people have followed you for years and they know you, they can tell there's something different with you. And now that I feel like I'm finally in a stable place and people say, the old Avery's back, it makes us so happy. And that makes me happy that you guys have noticed that. But I think what people don't understand is that people were always saying, you've changed, you're different. In this last year on my content online, when really I was just tired. I was tired of being picked apart. I was tired of. It didn't matter what I did. It was just. I would just get ripped to shreds. And I. I'm so used to it now. And I've honestly, like, I have such a tough, like, armor around me that the hate doesn't really get to me anymore. It was more so. I was already struggling with my mental health so bad that the comments that don't usually bother me really hit home because I already didn't want to be here anymore. And then when you have thousands and millions of people telling you things that aren't even worth repeating, it kind of just like sets you over the edge. And I did change a lot of ways that I filmed content. I did change the way that I acted on camera, almost as a, like, protection mechanism, if you will. I think in my head, I thought the less I show of myself, the last I can get picked apart. So I stopped talking in a lot of my vlogs. I stopped talking in my Get Ready with me's. It wasn't because I was trying to change my aesthetic or my content. It was because I didn't have anything to give. It feels very selfish to say that because I have such an immensely privileged life and job, especially compared to what I came from. And I know people would say, like, well, why don't you just not post? Why don't you take a break? Well, because I. I have to be able to provide for my family. I have to be able to make sure that they're taken care of. And so I don't have that option. I thought, okay, well, I can continue moving forward even though internally I'm struggling so bad and I don't have a lot to give. So I'm just going to protect myself and not show any personality anymore. Because to be honest, I don't feel like I had a personality. I felt like I was withering away physically and mentally. And so that was what I did until I was able to get help and be consistent in therapy and get my head screwed back on my shoulders again. And looking back to where I was a year ago compared to where I am now, I'm immensely proud of myself. And I'm proud for. I'm proud of myself showing my weaknesses and admitting that I needed help because I was just. I was not raised to do that. And that's something that I wanted to break in the cycle when it comes to. That's something I wanted to break in a generational cycle, especially as a mom, because you look at the world in a very different perspective when you have children. I look at my kids and it makes me so sad to think if they were ever struggling or feeling the way that I felt, that they couldn't ask for help or they couldn't admit that they aren't doing okay, and they were keeping that all in once I was able to come to terms with what was wrong and. And that I needed help and how to get help. And thank God for my husband for supporting me in the last year because it was so difficult. But he did everything right to help me and for us to all move forward. And so I just wanted to record this and have a very open and honest conversation about mental health struggles. And you guys asked so many questions, both to me personally, asking advice, asking, you know, questions when it comes to the medical side of mental health. And so I want to go through and have just an open and honest conversation with you guys about mental health struggles, tell you that it's okay to not be okay, tell you that it's okay to ask for help and even if this episode helps only one person, then it's worth sitting down and talking about because again, I, I wish I would have been able to sit down and listen to something like this when I didn't want to be here anymore. So we're gonna go through and we're gonna see what you guys need from me and I hope that I can help some of you. Today's segment is brought to you by Ashley. 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I got two of the upholstered armchairs behind my desk and it's been so convenient to have them there for meetings, especially when I'm looking at luxury. When you invite people into your home, especially when you're in an office space taking care of things professionally, you want it to feel luxurious, you want it to feel intentional. You want them to know that you're putting meaning and a lot of work into the space that create your dreams. I love the contrast of the light cushion with the dark walnut wood detail. Plus they are so comfortable. And in between my two podcast chairs, I added the round end table. It is so modern, but so luxury. I love being able to display a nice cozy candle, maybe my podcast cards and of course a beverage for my guests to give them a nice big cheers welcome. You really cannot go wrong with any of the pieces in the Ashley Lux Collection. Discover the new Ashley Luxe Collection by visiting Ashley in store or online@ashley.com l u x e without regular practice, kids can lose momentum over summer break. IXL helps students stay sharp and confident so they're ready for the next school year. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're building math confidence strengthening reading and writing skills or reviewing science concepts. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the US and studies show kids who use IXL score higher on tests proven in all 50 states. My kids just had their last day of school yesterday, so IXL is already prepped and on board. I've raved about how much my kids love ixl. They've been using it since last summer when they were in summer camp before they went into transitional kindergarten and first grade. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and Cheers with Avery. Listeners can get an exclusive 20 off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com cheers visit ixl.com cheers to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you do traditional talk therapy or have you tried others? What's your experience? I do traditional talk therapy. Every Thursday is my therapy day and I've never tried any other form of therapy. But I really do want to do emdr. I just don't know if I'm ready for it, to be completely honest with you. I know so many friends that have done EMDR and they've said that it's been life changing, but it's extremely difficult. A lot of my friends have said like, if you aren't feeling comfortable allowing all of these emotions to flood in, then it's not the time for you. For those that don't know what EMDR is, I'm gonna read the definition for you. It's Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which is an evidence based psychotherapy designed to help people heal from the distress of traumatic memories. It was developed in the late 1980s and what my friends have told me is it's almost like an immersive experience where all of your past trauma kind of floods in in order for you to feel it all and then you can kind of heal and move forward through those feelings. I do think that it's something I want to try in the future and once I do, I will definitely share that experience. I do think it scares me a little bit because I do have a lot of trauma when it comes to my past, my childhood, my adult life, this last year. And so I don't know if I'm ready to experience that type of flood of emotions because the last couple months has been the most stable that I've been in my mental health and I feel like I need to be stable consistently just a little bit longer before I invite something new in. But talk Therapy has helped an immense amount as well as working out. I know it's cheesy to say, but I do feel like I'm able to kind of get out my frustration and anger and stress out in the gym. It really does start my day off right. I feel like releasing those endorphins and then starting my day. I feel more accomplished. I feel like if I don't work out in the morning, my mental health just always struggles when I don't work out. And I feel like I want to just sit around on the couch like a zombie all day, which is never good for your mental health. So working out in addition to talk therapy has really, really changed the game for me. Do you see your mental health relating to your cycle at all? I definitely feel like that. I feel like the week before I start my period, I am a monster. My poor husband. I can immediately tell when I'm about to start my period because the littlest things that would normally never bother me just piss me off like nothing else. And I can like feel it. Like I can feel like I'm getting hot headed and really frustrated. And I'm like, why the am I mad right now? Like, this is, as my mom says, like, there's little problems. There's big problems. When the kids are throwing a tantrum. It's like, this is a little problem. Why are you freaking out? That's how I feel as a 31 year old woman. I'm like, this is a little problem. Why are you freaking out? So I can definitely tell a correlation between my period and my mental health for sure. Do you struggle with ruminating thoughts? If so, how do you manage it? Yes. I also am ocd. I don't know if I've ever talked about that, but as a child I was extremely, extremely ocd. Like I remember my sister making fun of me because I would have to put a water bottle cap on like 150 times. I would have to turn a door handle a certain number of times until it like felt right. I was always like that. And so I would have very obsessive thoughts. And I'm still that way today. I will hyper fixate on something and it will not leave my mind. I overanalyze every situation. I become extremely paranoid, especially like with relationships. I feel like I really struggle with abandonment issues. And so if someone doesn't get back to me or hasn't reached out in a while, I'm like obsessing over. I'm like, they hate me. What did I do? I'm like overanalyzing every conversation we ever had and anything I ever did wrong. My thoughts also are very invasive in my sleep to the point where when I am struggling with something, I dream very detailed about it. Like, too detailed. To the point where I wake up and I'm, like, soaked in sweat, and I wake up very panicked. And then it kind of just, like, takes over my entire day. Those are things that I'm. I'm definitely still working through. And I feel like therapy's helped me kind of get it out, because my therapist is really good at helping me understand why I have these feelings and also asking, like, are they valid or are you just obsessing over them? So, yeah, my mind definitely, definitely struggles with. With whatever's going on in my life because it's hard for me to kind of shut it out again. I think that's, like, the OCD in me is being obsessive about it. How do you cope through the tough times recently? I feel like when I'm struggling, it's really important for me to remember when I dreamed about having the life I have now. David the other day said something so sweet. My dad was over, and we were sitting out by the fire, and we were talking about the transition our life has made just the last, like, three years. And he's like, if you would have showed me our life now three years ago and said it was the best it would ever get, what would you say? And David was like, I would be so ecstatic. I would never even dream about where our life is today, because it's so easy to want more and want to work harder and do more and have more things and the keeping up with the Joneses. And it's like, you have to remember where you came from, and you can't be greedy about it. And so when I'm struggling with difficult times, I have to remind myself that I would have given anything just a couple years ago to live the life we're living today. And also just fucking putting my phone down and touching grass. To be honest, like, when I'm having a really hard time mentally, one of my favorite things to do is just take my shoes off, stand outside in the grass, and just soak in the sun. Even if it's for five minutes, just to, like, feel the sun on my face and feel the breeze and smell the fresh air. Like, life is so hard, but you have to remember that you only get one. And our world is so beautiful. We're all so stuck just looking at a phone screen. So you have to take the time to enjoy what your life is. And it was such a. It's such a mental battle to not want to work harder and want more. And I always want to work harder for my family, to have every opportunity that I never had. But I also have to be able to enjoy it to the point where I can be happy. You know, how do you get yourself out of bed to do things that will benefit you when you are sad? I love this question because during the lowest times of my life, I feel like it was extremely hard for me to even get out of bed. I feel like having kids helped with that because I had to get their asses to school, honestly, like, I had to get up, I had to get them ready, I had to put one foot in front of the other. And I don't think that I was the best version of myself as a mom this last year because of my internal battles, because I just genuinely wasn't happy. I was just like a shell of a human. And I feel like my kids could see that. But having routine helps tremendously. If you feel like you're in a rut and you feel like you can't get out of bed, give yourself a routine, write yourself a schedule, force yourself to get up out of bed. They're also the reason I had to get out of bed every day. You know, my alarm went off at 6:30, I had to get them up and ready and dress for school and dropped off. And then that was when I started my routine of just going straight to the gym afterwards. I told myself, okay, if I go home right now after school, drop off, I'm gonna lay on the couch and be a hermit all day and feel sorry for myself and be depressed and suicidal. I can't do that. And so I drop them off, go straight to the gym, not even come home. And I feel like exercising and releasing those endorphins really helped my mood. And then it made me feel more motivated to be able to get through my day. And then I always set a goal to finish work before I picked up my kids from school. So I would grind my ass off, I would hustle, I would work until I had to pick them up. And then I was back in mom mode where I couldn't feel sorry for myself. I couldn't lay in bed all day. I needed to make sure that they're backpacks were unpacked and we could do homework and after school activities and make dinner and do bedtime. And then at the end of the day I was just exhausted. So I think it's Bad to say, but sometimes distraction does help. That doesn't mean you should use distraction to ignore your mental health struggles. But distraction and routine is what was able to push me through those really hard times. How do you prioritize your mental health and alone time but still be present with your kids? Such a valid question, especially as a mom, because I'm, as I'm going through explaining how my kids were able to distract me and kind of get me out of bed, it also is important to fill my own cup. And when I was struggling really bad mentally, especially because we had just moved, we didn't have like any sort of babysitter. Yes, we have my parents, but they're a few hours away. So David and I didn't get a lot of alone time. And I also feel like once your kids are down, you're so exhausted, like you don't want to stay up and do anything. You just want to go to sleep once you put your kids down. And so I told him, I was like, I really want to start prioritizing date nights every week. That's what we did when we lived in Arizona. Every weeknight we had a date night. And so my trainer, who is incredible, has a really cute 17 year old daughter that's a senior in high school and she was looking for a babysitting job. So every Tuesday she comes over to our house and she watches the kids for like two hours while David and I are able to go to dinner. And I feel like that really helped me have something to look forward to. I was like, oh, I just gotta get to Tuesday and we'll have a little bit of a break in some time together. And I really, really look forward to that every week. And also being able to reconnect with my husband and not have distraction. Like, I can't even explain to you, when you have young kids, if, if any people have young kids, like listening, you're gonna understand where I'm coming from. But David and I can't even sit on the couch and talk for more than five minutes without being interrupted. That's just what it is. When you have young kids, they want to be around you all the time. It's just this phase of life. It's so beautiful and it can be so frustrating. But also I have to remind myself like, I'm gonna miss these years so much. Like I already miss when they were babies because they're so grown now. So each phase is very bittersweet. When you have children, it is so nice just to be able to have time just him and I and the kids are so happy with their sitter on Tuesday. They look forward to her coming over and so we know that they're having fun and we get to just sit down for a couple hours and just chat about life and what's going on and how we're feeling and spend that quality time together to feel more connected. So that's helped me a lot. Need a boost?
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When my kids are in school, I'll try to get a pedicure or even go grocery shopping sometimes is like kind of therapeutic. And being able to sit in the car and you know, be on the phone with someone or take a work call. Like those small moments that I get to myself are very appreciated. And I've also been loving just like putting on a bathing suit and sitting by the pool by myself in the complete silence, just soaking in the sun. I feel like that's so beneficial for my mental health. I will say too, another thing I prioritize for alone time is my workouts. Because even though I'M in, like, a group class. It does feel like it's time for me to focus on myself and my own thoughts for an hour and put myself first. And it's a really good start to my day. Have you tried any coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety? Yes. Well, I have a rescue and anxiety med. Dave and I actually both do. And so if I feel like I'm ramping up to the point where I might be getting a panic attack, that's something I'll take. I also will take it sometimes in social settings because I do have extreme anxiety when it comes to traveling and being in public. I know that's. That's so wild to say because people see this, like, big, bold personality. But a lot of the times, that's me over compensating for being extremely uncomfortable. And so my rescue anxiety med does help a lot. I will say. If I feel myself ramping up and I feel overwhelmed, I just, like, stop what I'm doing and I close my eyes and I take the deepest breath, and I'll do that, like, multiple times, and it helps me just, like, stay grounded. A rescue anxiety med is not a medication that you take consistently every day. You take it to literally, quote, rescue you when you feel like you are overwhelmed or having a panic attack, or for me, sometimes when I'm traveling, I'll be able to take a medication to help me in that moment because my anxiety is not at the point anymore where I need to take something every single day. And so I was prescribed a rescue anxiety medication. And so I'm able to kind of gauge when I need it and when I don't need. Could be, you know, three times a month that I needed. It could be 10 times a month that I needed. It just depends on what's going on in my life. But it is really nice to have on hand because sometimes anxiety can be so debilitating that nothing can help you other than a medication. Obviously, this is a medication prescribed for my doctor after, you know, an intense amount of therapy and getting a diagnosis and going to a psychiatrist and being prescribed SSRI medication. So make sure you are going through your doctor and talking to your physician about medication choices, because, yes, I am a nurse, but I am not a prescribing doctor that's going to tell you what medications you should and shouldn't be on. This is just my personal experience. The other thing, too, is that's helped me as a parent. Like, I feel like Dave and I are very patient parents. We don't ever really like. We. We don't yell. We don't. We've never like spanked our kids. If they're being quote, punished, it's like five minutes in their room, you know, and then we go in and we talk about it and we hug and make up. We're very big on like apologizing to our kids if we lose our frustration with them. Sometimes you get to a point when you have young children where you can tell them like five different times nicely to do something and they're just ignoring you, not listening. So then you're like, I'm gonna lose it. So sometimes in those moments where I feel like really ramped up, instead of taking it out on them because of my internal struggles, I just have to take a few deep breaths and I have to just get down to their level and look them in the eye and say, I really don't like when you're not listening. Like we to need to listen the first time, blah, blah, blah, do the whole parent thing. But those deep breaths make a huge difference. I'm telling you, like really a game changer. We have some relationship specific questions, so we're going to go through those. I need help managing and not getting closure for my ex and how to not spiral and hate myself. That's rough. I think not getting closure from a relationship ending is one of the worst things to happen to someone. My therapist actually calls that mental abuse. When someone cuts you off with no explanation and just never talks to you again, it's mental abuse. It really is because they know what they're doing. They're choosing not to give that relief to that person because for your ex, for example, they're fine. They're just moving on with their life. And even though you know they're not going to be in your life anymore, it's really not fair to just walk away and give you nothing. I think human beings deserve far more than that. And I think when it comes to a situation like that, that person just wants to win. They want the last jab, which is really fucked up. Because when you spend so much time with somebody, the least they can do is give you a conversation and then you can move on. I don't know why people think they don't owe someone a conversation after dedicating so much time and effort and love into a relationship and especially when you're level headed and you know, like, I'm not going to be with this person anymore. This person isn't going to be my life anymore, but I just want to be able to move on in peace. And they don't give you that. I think that's far more a reflection of them than you. You have to know that you did all the right things. You made all the efforts to try to reach out and try to get closure for yourself. And there might be a day where they come to you because they want you back in your. In their life, and you can say, actually, go fuck yourself. I tried. You gave me nothing. I gave everything. And that should be your closure. Your closure should be that you're a better person than them and you're better off without them. In the end, how did you approach the topic of mental health with your significant other? Mine is not always sympathetic. That is very hard. I will say I have like the unicorn rainbow husband. I. I don't know what I did in life to deserve him. He is my backbone, my safe space, everything. And so having a very stable, safe and healthy relationship obviously helps with that. But your significant other should be your safe space. And if they're not being empathetic and they're being dismissive of your mental health struggles, that's a huge red flag in my opinion. And I do feel like having an open and honest conversation and being communicative with them about what you're going through if they're not making strides to move forward. I think a good place to have that conversation is with the therapist, because a therapist can maybe educate them on mental health. It sounds like your significant other maybe isn't educated on how serious mental health can be. And so if you communicating with them isn't making a difference, I would maybe try to have a therapy session with them. How do you overcome overthinking when you're in a healthy relationship? I still overthink a lot. I do have a lot of those, like, OCD invasive thoughts. And I've kind of learned that I am my own worst enemy. You have to base your judgment and opinion off of real life experience and what someone is showing you. So if you're in your head a lot, you need to take a step back, exit your own mind, and look at what's right in front of you and the actions being shown to you. And I think that really helps ground you because it sometimes can be wake up call of like, oh, why am I freaking out? Like, this person treats me amazing. We have great times together. I'm always happy when I'm around them. They're not doing anything to prove otherwise. So why am I in my head? Because sometimes my mind not only is my own worst enemy, but like, ruins experiences for me because I'm over analyzing things and so you just have to be able to take a step back and look at what's right in front of you. Best way to get out of a hopeless and lonely slump it is so easy just to feel sorry for yourself when you're struggling with your mental health. Again, routine is huge. But also text a friend, try to go out to dinner, go have drinks with someone, go to lunch, go sit with your friend at the beach, go do something where you can have real life conversation and distract yourself a little bit and just feel a little bit of happiness. It can be really hard to reach out to people when you feel like you're in need because you don't want to be desperate. But that's what friends are for. Like I always want to be that for my friends. I feel like when my friends are struggling I'm the person that they're always reaching out to and I want to be that for them because they're that for me when I'm struggling. It's a two way street. So reach out to your family, your friends, distract yourself a little bit, do something selfish for you so that you can feel a little bit revitalized and that you can fill your cup up just a little bit. This show is sponsored by Better Help. I have been so open and honest about my mental health journey and Better Help was one of the first ever therapy services I was able to use that truly changed my life. I feel like every change of the season different emotions get brought up because people can be triggered in different ways and for some people, summer is their favorite season. Travel, pickups, kids are out of school and adventure is in full swing. And for others, juggling everything the summer demands can be extremely tough and can lead to feeling overwhelmed and counting down the minutes until the kids are back in school. Whether you're someone who thrives or just survives in the summer, make sure to take care of yourself during the warm months. Therapy with Better Help, the world's largest online therapy platform, can help you understand your needs, feel more confident setting boundaries, and create a version of summer that actually, actually feels good. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences and Better Help will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. Feel confident knowing Better Help Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the us. You don't have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com averywoods that's better. H E-L-P.com/avery woods.
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This Father's Day at Lowe's, we have extra big deals for a very limited time so you can get dad the gift he's been wishing for. Get a free select Craftsman dewalt or Cobalt battery when you buy a select combo kit. Plus, save $90 on a cobalt 24 volt battery, string trimmer and leaf blower combo kit now $129. Our best life lineup is here at Lowe's. Ballot through 6:15 while supplies last selection varies by location.
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This is a very, very great question. How am I supposed to prioritize my mental health over someone else's who's important to me? I have learned this last year that I was slowly chipping away at myself because I was giving so much of myself to other people. And I soon realized that I wasn't getting anything in return. Not that it should be transactional, but I did slowly realize that I was always the one reaching out. I was always the one checking in. And then you kind of get to a point where you're like. Like, my biggest test for that is, stop reaching out. Stop reaching out and see how long it takes them to reach out to you and see if it's for something that they need. Are they reaching out to you to genuinely check in and see how you're doing and they want to see you, or are they reaching out because they're asking for something? That's the biggest test, in my opinion. When it comes to friendships and relationships, you cannot, again, pour from an empty cup. And if your friends and people you care about genuinely care for you, then you can say, I'm so sorry I can't be that person for you right now. I'm barely hanging on. And they'll understand that. And if someone in your life is struggling like you are, maybe you guys can boost each other up together. Go do activities together, hang out, spend time together. You guys can understand each other's struggles, but also distract each other in the meantime. Don't allow people to make you feel guilty because you're unable to help them with your mental health because you're struggling yourself. I experienced so much of that last year where I could barely even. I feel like I was barely surviving. Every day was a miracle. I literally remember every night getting to bed and being like, okay, I survived another day. Like, that's how bad it was. It was literally to the point where I was like, okay, I chose to stay here today. I chose to stay Earthside. That was a win for me. That's the that was how low my. My life felt. Which is funny, because I'd never been more successful in my career. I never had more money. I bought my dream house. I was able to put my kids in incredible school. I had a happy marriage, all the things I ever dreamed of. And I wanted to kill myself. Like, it's the world is so judgy based off of what they see, of what the big picture is. It's the same with celebrities. Think how many celebrities have taken their own lives and they have everything in the world. The money, the fame, the power, the beauty. And they're so miserable, they don't want to be here anymore. That's how I felt. And I didn't understand how people could feel that way until I felt it myself. And it definitely shows you who is really there for you. And it's really sad when you realize that those people were always, like, sucking the life from you and they never replenished you. So make sure the people that are in your life are reciprocating the behaviors and the person you are for them, because it's very important, and it will weigh on you until you can't handle it anymore and you snap. How do you talk about things without feeling like a burden to the people around you? Another great question. And again, this kind of leads back to friendship and the people in your life. If you feel like you're being a burden to a friend, I would ask them. But also, if you're struggling mentally, you should be able to count on those people to help you through the hard times. And again, I wore myself thin by being there for so many people during their hard times. And I do feel like it withered away at me a little bit. But it was never a burden to me. Like, it never. It was. It's never a burden when people come to me with their problems or ask me for help. I feel an immense amount of respect when that happens. I feel appreciated when that happens. And also, I don't know if it's the nurse in me or the nurturer, but I've always been a caregiver. I've always wanted to take care of people. And that was my favorite part about being a nurse, is feeling like I was necessary, feeling like I was making a difference. And I feel like that with my family and friends and anyone around me when they need me. So you shouldn't feel like a burden to people in your life, especially when you're struggling. And if your people are making you feel like that when you're already having a Hard time. I would take a step back and analyze the people in your life. How do I find myself after motherhood and not identify as solely a mom and a wife? It is so common for moms to experience mental health struggles after they give birth. And I feel like people don't talk about it enough. Yes, you have postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis and postpartum anxiety, but people don't really talk about the fact that you completely lose your identity. Like your world is flipped completely upside down because you can no longer put yourself first. I feel like those are honest conversations you should have with your significant other because you are parents together, making sure that you're still able to do things that fulfill you and fill your cup. Because I have just learned over the years, you cannot be the best mom if you're not the best version of yourself because you're already worn so thin. And same thing with being a wife and a spouse. You have to be able to have time for you. You have to be able to go hang out with your friends and go to dinner. And like my husband needs to be able to go golfing and hang out with his guy friends. He can't just be around me and the kids all day. I can't just be around him and the kids all day. That's a very natural thing. But I also feel like that's why we're still happily married after, you know, over 10 years. So you have to be able to have your own identity. And even if it's for only an hour for a workout or catching up with a girlfriend or going on a date night, at least you have that one hour again for me. I look forward to that for date night. But you have to be able to prioritize yourself and in those new roles or else you're not going to exceed at those roles. You can't just leave your past self behind and adapt to this new life completely because you're going to mourn who you were. So you have to find a great balance with that during that transitional phase. At what point do you think someone should seek professional help versus trying to manage on their own? This was kind of what my year was last year of going back and forth between, okay, this too shall pass. And then it wasn't passing and like, more time went on and I was getting significantly worse. And it honestly wasn't even in my mind that I needed professional help or therapy or medication, because again, I think that was just ingrained in my brain that I was the strong one. And I Didn't need to ask for help. And then the months went by and I was getting progressively worse. And then when it came to me not wanting to live anymore, I got really scared because, again, my kids were kind of like my anchor.
- [47:50]
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It.
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It makes me so sad that I was at that point. But then the ship got, like, so. So heavy and overwhelming that it just, like, took off and the anchor got ripped out, and there I was, and I. Nothing was a good enough reason for me to stay anymore. And that was really fucking scary. I remember the fear in David's eyes, you know, when he would. He would bring it up to me or we would have conversations about it because he was genuinely scared. He was genuinely scared that something really bad was going to happen. And that makes me so sad for him, and it makes me feel so selfish. And I think he also has a lot of trauma and PTSD with his job as a cop, because he would get suicide calls, like, weekly, where he would have to walk into someone's house or apartment or find someone in a car on the ground that had jumped off a building. Like, he was the first on scene to a lot of those calls. And so I can't imagine his thought process of thinking, like, if I found my wife like, that it would. He would never be the same. And I never thought that mental health could get to that point where no one else mattered. It was only, like, how do I make it end? Because that was the point where I was at where, like, I didn't think that anything was going to help me aside from dying. Our health care system is so up in the United States. I feel immensely privileged to be able to pay for therapy and medication and doctors, because a lot of people don't have that option. And I also can see, you know, like, when I worked in the picu, I dealt with a lot of teenagers that attempted to take their own life, or unfortunately did take their own life because of online bullying that they experienced in high school. As a grown woman with a large platform, that's also something I've experienced. But then I was also already in a really low place. So then adding everyone's opinions about me definitely made it far worse. So that was the. When I. When I. I didn't have a reason to stay here anymore. As. Again, as selfish as that is, and having a healthy, healthy, happy family, that was when it became very real for me that I needed professional help. And I told David, and he found me my therapist. And then we took all the next steps moving forward in order to get me Help. So I think it depends. I don't want to say. I don't encourage anyone to get to the point where I was. Where you feel like you need professional help. I took it too far because I was being stubborn. I was trying to wait it out. I was so busy with work, I was masking everything. And then it just all, like, the floodgates opened and it caught up to me. But it was so late in the game that it was really hard to undo so many things. And I'm still working through that every day. It's always going to be a work in progress, but at least I know that help is out there and that it legitimately can save your life. So if you feel like your mental health struggles are not passing, if you feel like you're taking the steps that you need to personally and it's not helping, then it's time for professional help. And it's okay to. To ask for that. It's okay to reach out and. And find someone to help you. Start with a therapist. They can have great resources for you if you need to go farther than that, if you need a psychiatrist, if you need medication, if you need to do emdr. There's so many options for help. And I hope that this episode has helped you to realize that. No one's life is perfect. Everyone struggles sometimes. Our brains are just wired differently. Again, mental health runs in my family. This was not something that I don't. This is not something I think that I could have ever avoided. It just caught up to me later in life because of experiences. I went through this last year. But I'm so grateful that I was able to move past it and be the best version of myself and learn from my past mistakes and my mental illness, to be the best version of me and be the best wife and mom and friend possible. So I hope this helped. I hope you know that I'm always here as a sounding board if you guys ever need someone to talk to. And we can always do more episodes like this if you feel like you need just to listen to someone else's experiences, because not a lot of people are open to talking about this. But I do feel it's very important because, again, if I would have had something like this to listen to a year ago, I think it would have changed my life. So. Sending love to you all. Hope you have an incredible week and I will see you next week. Cheers. I checked all day first and saved hundreds on my car insurance. Really smart. Unfortunately, I didn't check if I took the gas hose out of my car's tank. Ooh, not smart. And I drove off while still attached to pump number three.
- [53:39]
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- [53:45]
B
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- [53:47]
E
Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates North Brick, Illinois not sure if you have the experience to start your dream job? Good news these days, it's the skills that count you to me. Can can help you get those in demand. Skills Want to be an AI mastermind? Learn with us Game developer. We've got you covered. AWS Certified Cloud Practitioner. We can help you prep. You'll learn from real world experts who love what they do so that you can love what you do. Go to udemy.com for the skills to get you started and get set for your dream job.
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