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Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 48 of Journey to the West. Last time, the pilgrims were preparing to intervene in the Slow Cart Kingdom, where the king revered Taoism and spurned Buddhism to a fanatical degree. But the night before they were to appear in the royal court, Sun Wukong, Zhu Bajie, and Sha Zeng crashed the Taoist temple, pretended to be the three highest figures in the Taoist canon, chucked the idols of said three purities into the latrine, and helped themselves to the sacrificial offerings in the temple. The Taoist priests thought their revered celestials had appeared in person, so they begged for some holy water. Sun Wukong was like, sure, I've got some holy water for you. The three Daoist masters presented vessels for receiving said holy water and left the hall as instructed. As soon as they were gone, Wukong and his fellow disciples urinated into the containers and sat back down to watch. Literal toilet humor. Once the Taoist priests carried their vessels outside, they got cup and Tiger Immortal, the senior member of the trio of Taoist masters, and scooped out a cup of holy water from his vat and chugged it. As he smacked his lips with a weird look on his face, Deer Immortal asked him, brother, how does it taste? Not great, Tiger Immortal replied, it kind of stinks. Hmm, let me have a sip, Goat Immortal said. He then took a sip from another container and said, it kind of tastes like pig urine. Inside the hall, Wukong heard him talking. Realizing that the jig was up, he figured we might as well leave our names now that we have tricked them. So he shouted, priests, stop your wishful thinking. How would the three purities descend upon your mortal realm? I'll let you know our true identities. We are monks from the Tang Kingdom, going west on an imperial decree. We were bored tonight, so we came here, ate your offerings, and were sitting around shooting the breeze. And then you kowtowed and prayed to us, and so we had to give you something. That's no holy water. It's our pee. When the priests heard this, I assumed they probably retched and puked. And then they blocked the door and started hurling rocks, tiles, and anything else they could find into the hall at the three pilgrims. But Wukong, with Ba Jie and Sha Zeng in tow, charged out and flew off in a beam of light. They made their way back to the Buddhist monastery where they were lodged. Taking care not to wake up their master, Sanzang, the three sneaked back into their room and went to sleep. When dawn rolled around, San Zang got up and called out to his disciples, Come with me to get our travel papers. Sun Wukong and his fellow disciples got up, got dressed and told him, master, the muddle headed king of this country listens to those Taoists. He reveres Taoism and hates Buddhism. If you say anything wrong, he might not grant you your travel papers. Let us protect you and head into court together. San Zhang was delighted. He donned his fancy cassock Sun Wukong carried their travel documents, Sha Zheng carried the alms bowl and Ba Jie carried San Zang's Buddhist staff. They told the monks at the monastery to keep an eye on their luggage and horse and then headed off to the palace. They introduced themselves to the officer at the gate, telling him that they were monks sent by the Tang Kingdom in the east to fetch scriptures and that they were there to get their travel papers. When the officer reported this to the court, the king said, these monks must have come to seek death. Why have they not been arrested yet? But the royal tutor stepped forth and said, the Great Tang of the east is a large central kingdom. It's quite far from here and the journey is plagued by demons. These monks must have some power to dare to come west on account of them having come so far, I hope youe Highness will summon them, examine their travel documents and grant them passage so as not to miss the opportunity to form an amicable bond. The king agreed, so he summoned San Zang and company. The pilgrims came in and presented their travel papers to the King. As he was examining them, the gate officer reported that the three preceptors of the nation had arrived. The king hurriedly put away the travel papers, descended from his throne and greeted the three Daoist masters with a bow. Sanzang turned and saw the three Taoist priests swinging, swaggering in, followed by a pair of young acolytes whose hair was tied up in twin coils as they walked, all the court officials bowed to pay their respects and did not dare to look them in the eye. The three Daoists entered the hall and didn't even pay their respects to the king. The king asked respectfully, preceptors, I had not extended an invitation to you. What made you grace us with your presence? Tiger Immortal said, we came to inform you of something. Which kingdom do these four monks hail from? Oh, they were sent by the Great Tang Kingdom in the east to go west for scriptures. They came to get their travel papers. The three Daoists clapped and laughed Aloud, we thought they had run away. Turns out they are still here. Preceptors? What do you mean? The king asked with alarm. They had just introduced themselves. I was about to arrest them and send them to you as laborers, but on the advice of my tutor, I figured that they had come from afar and I shouldn't spurn the good will of the Central Kingdom, So I summoned them in. I did not expect you would show up. Did they offend you? What offense have they committed? The priests laughed and told Highness. Yesterday they killed two of our disciples outside the east gate, released 500 monks, and smashed our carts. And then last night, they stormed into our sanctuary, damaged the idols of the three purities, and stole all the offerings. They even left some pee and tricked us into each. Taking a sip, we realized that it didn't taste right and were about to capture them, but they ran away. Turns out they're here. As the saying goes, enemies always run into each other. The king became irate when he heard this and ordered that the pilgrims be executed. But Sun Wukong put his palms together and shouted, you, Highness, please calm your thunderous rage and allow us to explain. You have offended our preceptors. Their words cannot be wrong. The king barked. They accused us of killing two of their disciples yesterday, but who is their witness? Wukong replied. And even if we unjustly assume responsibility for that crime, only two of us should die for it. The other two should still be sent on their way to fetch scriptures. And they accused us of destroying their carts and releasing the imprisoned monks. They also have no witnesses for that accusation, and that's not a capital offense anyway, so only one more of us should be punished for it. And they accused us of damaging the three purities and causing a row in their sanctuary. That's just them trying to frame us. How so? The king asked. We are from the east and only got here yesterday. We don't even know the roads around here, so how could we have known what they were up to in their temple last night? They say that we left them some pee. Well, then, they should have caught us then and there. But now they're framing us for it after the fact. Anyone can pretend to be somebody else, so how can they finger us? I hope you will investigate this matter closely. So this king was not the sharpest tool in the shed. And this little spiel by Wukong left him uncertain as to what to do. Just then, the gate officer reported that a bunch of old local residents were requesting an audience. The king summoned them in. It was A group of about 40 old men who lived in the area. They kowtowed and said, you, Highness, it has not rained all spring. We worry that the summer will bring drought. So we have come to ask one of the preceptors to pray for rain and provide relief for our people. Ya'll may leave now. Rain will arrive soon, the King told them. Once the civilians left, the king said to the do you know why I revere Taoism and hate Buddhism? A few years back, when we were praying for rain, the monks of our kingdom could not deliver a single drop of rain. Fortunately, our national preceptors were sent by heaven and they summoned rain and ended the drought. I should punish you for insulting our preceptors, but I will spare you for now. Do you dare to make a wager with our preceptors over who can summon rain? If your prayers can summon rain to quench my people, I will pardon your crimes, give you your travel papers and allow you to continue west. But if you can't deliver any rain, then I will have you executed in public. Hukong chuckled and told him, actually, I do know a bit about praying for rain. So the King ordered his men to prepare the ceremonial altar ground and sent word that he was going to watch both sides do their thing from the Five Phoenix Tower. So his court officials accompanied him up the tower and he sat down. San Zang, accompanied by his disciples, stood at the foot of the tower, while the three Taoist priests sat down next to the king up top. Momentarily, word came that the altar was ready. Tiger Immortal now took his leave of the king and descended the tower. But Wukong stopped him and said, sir, where are you going? To ascend the altar and pray for rain. Tiger Immortal replied, well, aren't you full of yourself? Why don't you let us distant visitors go first? Oh, alright, alright. Like they say, a strong dragon doesn't step on the local snakes. You can go first, but we must get something clear up front. What? Well, if we both ascend the altar and pray for rain, then who's to say whether the rain came because of you or me? Who gets the credit then? Hearing this from atop the tower, the king said to himself, hmm, that little monk does speak with some sense and substance down below. Shazeng overheard this and chuckled under his breath, oh, he's got a whole belly full of substance that he hasn't shown you yet. Tiger Immortal now said, there's no need to worry. His Highness will know who gets the credit. Well, that may be, but we are monks from Afar, Wukong said, We have never met you all before. If you try to cheat us later, it's. It won't be good. We should work it out in advance. Fine. When I go up to the altar, just watch my command tokens for the signal. When I strike the first token, the wind will rise. With the second token, clouds will gather. When the third token sounds, there will be thunder and lightning. And with the fourth token, rain will fall. With the fifth token, the rain will cease and the cloud will disperse. Oh, how marvelous. Wukong said with a laugh. I've never seen such a thing. Please go on. So Tiger Immortal strolled over toward the altar, with San Zang and his disciples following behind. They saw a high terrace about 3 yards tall. 28 ceremonial flags had been erected on each side, and the top of the terrace was lit up by candles. Next to the incense urn was a golden placard on which was written the name of the God of Thunder. Below it were five large vats, each filled with clear water. On the water floated willow branches. Each branch held up a metal tablet on which was inscribed the talisman of the Department of Thunder. To the left and right were five large wooden stakes on which was written the names of the thunder envoys of the five directions. Each stake was flanked by two Taoist priests, each holding an iron hammer waiting to strike the stake. Behind the terrace were numerous other priests, all busy writing ritual documents. In the center was a furnace for burning paper sacrifices, and there were several effigies of the spirits who assist the rites. Tiger Immortal went up to the terrace and stood at the top. Next to him, a young priest carried a few sheets of yellow paper inscribed with talismanic writing and and a sword. Tiger Immortal took the sword, muttered an incantation, and burned a paper talisman over a candle. Beneath him, the priests burned an effigy and a ritual document. And then the first token was struck, and as it sounded, wind indeed started to whip up. Oh, crap. Zhu Bajian muttered at the foot of the terrace. That priest has some real skills. The wind really did pick up when he sounded the first token. Brother. Quiet. Wu Gong said. Don't talk to me again. Just protect Master. I need to take care of something. I'll be right back. Wukong then plucked the hair off himself, blew on it, and turned it into a doppelganger of himself. Standing next to San Zang, the real Sun. Wukong, meanwhile, secretly flew up into the sky and shouted, who is making that wind? That would be Granny Wind and Lord Xin, the Heaven appointed windmakers. When they heard Wukong shouting. They hurriedly tied up the mouths of the Wind Bag that they were using to perform their magic and went to greet Wukong. He told them, I am protecting the Tang monk on his way west for scriptures. We were passing through the Slow Card Kingdom and made a wager with some demon daoists about who can summon the ring. Why are you helping those priests instead of me? I will spare you for now. Make the wind stop at once. If there is so much as a breeze that makes that priest's beard sway, you'll each get 20 whacks with my rod. The Wind Gods, of course, obeyed him. Down below, the air became completely still. Zhu Bajie now shouted toward the top of the terrace, hey, priest, you should quit. Your token sounded. But where's the wind? Why don't you come on down and let us have a try? Tiger Immortal now brandished his second command token, burned another talisman, and struck the token. Clouds promptly started to gather until Sun Wukong shouted, up in heaven, who is making the clouds? The two Cloud Gods hurriedly paid their respects to him. He made similar threats as before, and the clouds immediately dissipated. Looking up from below, all people could see was the bright sun with not a single cloud in sight. This priest is only skilled at fooling that king and his people. He has no real skills. Ba Jie chuckled. He has sounded the second token. But where are the clouds? Tiger Immortal was getting restless. Brandishing his sword, he now let his hair down, recited a spell, burned another talisman, and struck his third command token. But up above, the proprietors of Thunder and Lightning were too busy making knives with Sun Wukong to notice. Who told you guys to show up? Wukong asked them. That priest's magic is real, said Lord Deng, a member of the Department of Thunder. He dispatched a ritual document and burned a talisman that caught the Jade Emperor's attention. So he sent word for us to answer the prayer by providing thunder and lightning. Well, in that case, just hold on a bit. Wukong told them, wait for my signal. Hearing no thunder and seeing no lightning, Tiger Immortal now added more incense, candles, and incantations as he struck his fourth command token to summon the rain. Well, as we have established, rain comes from the Dragon Kings of the Four Seas, and we all know who they are chummy with or afraid of. Up in the sky, Wukong was catching up with them, shooting the breeze and asking them to lend him a hand. After they agreed, he told the Dragon King of the west, oh, by the way, thanks for your son saving my master. Some days Back. My scoundrel of a nephew is still locked up in the sea. The Dragon King of the west said. I haven't dared to punish him myself. I was waiting for your instructions. Oh, just do whatever you want with him, but help me today. That priest has struck his token four times. It's my turn now. But I'm not going to send documents, burn talismans, or strike tokens. You all just need to lend a hand. Lord Deng said, who would dare to disobey your command? But we do need a signal. Otherwise everything would be chaotic and it would make you look bad. My rod is your signal. The God of Thunder panicked. Granddaddy, how can we endure that rod? No, I'm not going to hit you with it. When I point the rod up the first time, unleash the winds. The second time, bring the clouds. The third time, let loose the thunder and lightning. And the fourth time, make it rain. All the weather gods obeyed. And so Wukong flew back down and took the place of his doppelganger without anyone noticing. He then shouted to Tiger, sir, four tokens have sounded, and yet there are no winds, clouds, thunder, or rain. I think it's our turn. Given his performance issues, Tiger Immortal couldn't very well just squat atop the altar. So he came back down with pouty lips and went back up to the Tower of Five Phoenixes to see the King. Hukong went with him. The King asked Tiger Immortal, I was listening attentively. I heard you strike the token four times, but I did not see any wind or rain. I How come the Dragon Kings were not home today? Tiger Immortal said, you know, I have to give the guy credit for having the gall to try such a ludicrous excuse. But Sun Wukong spoke up, you, Highness. The Dragons are home. It's just that this preceptor has no powers and couldn't invite them here. Let us monks show you how it's done. Then please ascend the altar. I will wait here for the rain, the King told him. So Wukong went back to the altar, pulled San Zang toward the steps, and said, master, please go on up. But. But I don't know how to summon rain. San Zang said, bewildered. Zhu Bajie chuckled. He's trying to do you in, Master. If you can't make it rain, the king is going to pile up firewood and burn the whole altar down. But Wukong told San Zang, just recite scripture and I will help you. Thus reassured, San Zang climbed the steps to the top, sat down, collected himself and started reciting lines from a Buddhist sutra. Just then, an official on horseback galloped onto the scene and asked, hey, monk, why are you not striking tokens for burning talismans? Wukong shot back, oh, no need for that. We monks do it quietly. While the official reported back to the king, Sun Wukong heard that San Zang was coming to the end of his scripture recital. So he pulled out his golden rod and pointed it straight up toward the sky. The Wind gods saw the signal and promptly opened up their wind bag and let loose a gale so strong that it sent pebbles flying. Trees were toppled, the Five Phoenix Towers shook, the court officials were startled, and the streets emptied as everybody ran for cover. Wukong then pointed again, and this time clouds blocked out the heavens and it was so dim that it was hard to see. He then pointed again, and thunder roared while lightning crashed, striking fear into the entire city. As every household lit incense, burned paper money, and prayed amid the thunder and lightning, you could hear Sun Wukong shouting to the heavens, hey, Lord Deng, take a good look and find all the greedy, corrupt officials and the no good, unfilial sons. Strike a few of them down and make an example of them. Then, as another thunder cracked, he pointed his rod skyward once more. Now the Dragon Kings unleashed a torrential downpour. It was as if they had lifted up the Yangtze river and poured it down toward earth. The deluge lasted from morning to noon, flooding the city's streets. At last, the king shouted out a decree saying, enough, enough. Any more rain and it will kill the crops and backfire. His courier at the foot of the tower heard this and galloped to the altar, where he asked San Zang to make his stop. Wukong now pointed up again, and immediately the rain, thunder, clouds, and winds all vanished. The king was delighted, and all his court officials praised San. What a monk. Truly, no matter how good you are, there's always somebody better. Even though our preceptors can summon rain, it takes them half a day to get a drizzle. But look at how that monk made it happen immediately and then made it stop immediately. There isn't a cloud in the sky for miles now. The King now ordered that the party return to the palace and prepare the travel documents for the pilgrims. But just then, the three Taoist priests were blocked his path and said, you, Highness, those monks can't claim credit for this ring. This was our doing. Well, you said the Dragon Kings weren't home, and that's why you couldn't summon the rain. A befuddled king said. But then the monks went to the altar, prayed quietly, and rain immediately came down. So how can you claim credit? Tiger Immortal said, I have sent the ritual documents, burned the talismans, and sounded the tokens. How could the dragons dare to not come? It must have been that the other weather gods weren't around, so they had to scramble here after hearing my command. It's just that they got here right after the monks and I switched places, so their turn on the altar coincided with the ring. I was the one who summoned the dragons and brought the rain. They had nothing to do with it. Well, this guy is really doubling down here. But that king was such a tool that he was again in a state of indecision after hearing this. But Wukong stepped forth and said, you, Highness, these little gimmicks aren't real powers, so who cares who gets credit? Right now, the Dragon Kings of the Four Seas are still up in the sky. I have not dismissed them yet, so they don't dare to leave. If your preceptor can get them to reveal themselves, then he can claim all the credit. The king was delighted. I have been on the throne for 23 years, but haven't seen what a real dragon looks like. Either side, whichever one of you, be it the Taoists or the Buddhist, can get the dragons to show themselves, you will get the credit. Whoever fails will get punished. So first of all, really, if you can't make supernatural dragons show themselves, you get punished. This king has truly just lost his damn mind. But also, summoning dragons was way beyond the Taoist priest's abilities. Tiger Immortal shouted for the Dragon Kings to show themselves. But the Dragon Kings were like, uh, yeah, we're going to stay on Sun Wukong's good side and just ignore you. After some fruitless attempts, Tiger Immortal gave up and told Sun Wukong to try. Hukong looked up and shouted to the Dragon King of the East Sea. Hey, Aoguang, where are you? You and your brothers show your true forms. Within an instant, four dragons could be seen soaring through the clouds and flying above the main hall of the palace. The king burned incense in the hall while all the officials kneeled on the front steps. Thank you for gracing us with your presence. The king said, Please go on back, and I will offer my thanks another day. Wukong shouted to the weather gods, all of you may leave. This king will thank you another day. So the Dragon Kings and the other weather gods went their separate ways. The king then stamped the pilgrim's passport and was just about to hand it to them and let them go on their merry way. When the three priests kneeled in the hall, the king was taken aback. He got out of his throne, helped the priests to their feet, and asked, preceptors, why such grand courtesy today? Your Highness, since the three of us arrived here, we have been supporting your state and protecting your country and people for 20 years. Today, this monk used some magic to ruin our reputation. How can you pardon them for murder just because of a round of rain? Aren't you disrespecting us? Please hang on to their travel papers for now and let us challenge them to another wager. King Dunst again listened to the priests and put the travel papers on hold. He then asked the priests what they would wager on. Tiger Immortal said, I will challenge him to a contest of meditation. The king was like, um, dude, he's a monk. Meditating is what they do all day. How are you going to beat them in that? But Tiger Immortal told him, my meditation is different than normal meditation. It's called Divinity atop the Cloud Ladder. What does that mean? The king asked. Take a hundred tables. Build two meditation platforms of 50 tables each. Stack the tables one on top of the other. Then one cannot use their hands to climb up, nor can they use ladders. We must each fly up to the top of our tower on a cloud and then sit absolutely still for hours. Since this was no ordinary meditation challenge, the king asked the pilgrims if they were up to it. Uncharacteristically, Sun Wukong fell into silence. To see what's bothering him, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore podcast. Thanks for listening, Sa.