Chris and Tampa Tony Roast LIVE on Stage

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Chris DiStefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos"

Episode: Chris and Tampa Tony Roast LIVE on Stage
Release Date: March 24, 2025
Host/Author: Chris DiStefano
Guests: Brandon Barrera, Tampa Tony

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Introduction

In this uproarious episode of "Chrissy Chaos," hosted by Chris DiStefano, listeners are treated to a live comedy roast featuring Chris, his co-host Brandon Barrera, and a special appearance by Chris's father, Tampa Tony. Filmed at the Tampa Theater on March 24, 2025, the episode is a blend of sharp wit, spontaneous audience interactions, and hilarious family dynamics.

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Opening and Venue Banter (00:00 - 10:00)

The episode kicks off with Chris and Brandon setting the tone by playfully mocking advertisements and transitioning smoothly into their comedic personas.

• Chris DiStefano (00:33):
  "Give it up for Brandon Barrera, everyone. Right? What a nice guy, man. He’s a migrant and found him."

Brandon joins in with his own set of jokes, immediately engaging the audience with light-hearted teasing and setting up the dynamic between the hosts.

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City Life and Personal Anecdotes (10:00 - 30:00)

Chris delves into humorous observations about Tampa and Florida, contrasting it with his experiences from New York.

• Chris DiStefano (07:30):
  "In Tampa, you'll be bitten by something and you don't know if it's an alligator or a person."

Brandon shares a story about witnessing a Nassau County police officer hit a pedestrian, adding layers of humor to real-life scenarios.

• Brandon Barrera (38:26):
  "He got hit by a Nassau county police officer crossing the street and then sped away. I saw this happen in front of the bar."

These segments highlight the hosts' ability to find comedy in everyday situations, blending personal experiences with sharp social commentary.

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Family Dynamics and Guest Interactions (30:00 - 60:00)

A significant portion of the episode revolves around interactions with Tampa Tony, Chris's father, bringing a familial twist to the comedy.

• Chris DiStefano (35:00):
  "Do you have a writer?"
  Brandon Barrera:
  "I do, but I always just want black coffee and water."

The chemistry between Chris, Brandon, and Tampa Tony is palpable, with playful jabs and heartfelt moments adding depth to the humor.

• Tampa Tony (55:47):
  "My dad got us better seats by making me make believe Ear muff, sir. I was retarded."

These interactions showcase the blend of humor and genuine family relationships, making the episode both entertaining and relatable.

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Audience Roasting and Improvisation (60:00 - 90:00)

The show thrives on spontaneous audience interactions, with Chris and Brandon roasting attendees based on their appearances and behaviors.

• Brandon Barrera (58:10):
  "Look at that. You're wearing a fairy hat. Don't be fooled by the tail."

• Chris DiStefano (62:12):
  "Are you actually on fucking fentanyl? What is happening?"

These segments are filled with edgy jokes and quick comebacks, keeping the audience engaged and entertained through improvisation.

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Brandon Barrera’s Stories and Insights (90:00 - 120:00)

Brandon shares personal anecdotes, including his experience witnessing a police incident and discussing his comedic journey alongside Chris.

• Brandon Barrera (46:11):
  "We do have support groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For what?"

His storytelling ability adds another layer of humor, blending personal experiences with sharp observations about life and career.

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Closing Remarks and Final Roasts (120:00 - End)

As the show nears its end, Chris and Brandon continue their humorous banter, bringing back Tampa Tony for final interactions and wrapping up with a series of rapid-fire roasts.

• Chris DiStefano (74:00):
  "This is Florida, folks. What you think, any goggles, you're stuck in a sewer?"

• Brandon Barrera (95:08):
  "I'll have to kill one of you to get to Newark Airport on time."

The episode concludes with heartfelt thanks to the audience, shout-outs to sponsors, and a preview of upcoming shows, leaving listeners eagerly anticipating future episodes.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Chris DiStefano (07:30):
  "In Tampa, you'll be bitten by something and you don't know if it's an alligator or a person."

• Brandon Barrera (38:26):
  "He got hit by a Nassau county police officer crossing the street and then sped away."

• Chris DiStefano (35:00):
  "Do you have a writer?"

• Brandon Barrera (58:10):
  "Look at that. You're wearing a fairy hat. Don't be fooled by the tail."

• Brandon Barrera (46:11):
  "We do have support groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For what?"

• Chris DiStefano (74:00):
  "This is Florida, folks. What you think, any goggles, you're stuck in a sewer?"

• Brandon Barrera (95:08):
  "I'll have to kill one of you to get to Newark Airport on time."

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Conclusion

"Chris DiStefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos" delivers a memorable live comedy experience, blending sharp humor, engaging audience interactions, and heartfelt family moments. Chris and Brandon's dynamic interplay, coupled with Tampa Tony's charming presence, creates an episode that's both hilarious and deeply personal. Whether you're a regular listener or new to the show, this episode offers a rich and entertaining glimpse into the chaotic yet lovable world of Chrissy Chaos.

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Transcript

[Chris DiStefano]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for.

[Brandon Barrera]

3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month.

[Chris DiStefano]

Required intro rate first 3 months only.

[Brandon Barrera]

Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail].

[Chris DiStefano]

You paid your money to see him.

[Brandon Barrera]

You know him, you love him. Give it up for Chris DiStefano. Hello. Thank you. Look at us. How you doing? Give it up for Brandon Barrera, everyone. Right? What a nice guy, man. He. Dude, he's. Yes, man, right? Q kid. Great, man. He's these. He's a migrant and found him. Brought him up from New York and yeah, look at us. Yeah, man. Brought up my own stool. Everyone who works here is on bath salts. And, you know, it's just. Let me tell you something. This. I love this city. I really do. I got an email five minutes ago. I got an email from person who's coming to the show. Like, hey, Chrissy, bought tikiwikis. Was on my way, was on my way to the show, but a tractor trailer tire went through my windshield and I'm in the hospital, so I can't make the show. But do you still want to get drinks tonight in Ybor City? I said, this kid is going to die in the er. He's like, but we're still going to get lit, right? Good for you. I really love this city. I really love this city because it's like one of the only cities in Florida where like I get bit by something and I'm like, is that an alligator or a person I. You just don't know in Tampiwampi. I mean, this dude, this is. This is a place, man. This is, you know, have a lot of fun time, dude. Statistically, man, there's a thousand people. Statistically, one of you will die tonight in Ybor City. You'll be stabbed. And that's what it is. This guy's filming it illegally. There are no rules in this state. There just are no rules. He doesn't care. He's got a magician hat on it. Just. This is one of these cities where, you know, dude, like, I don't even know the guy in the front row. It's like, are you in a wheelchair? Are you just Fucking hammered. I don't know at all. And he's laughing, he's fucking hammered. Dude, good for you. This is the kind of kid I'm talking. I like this fucking kid, you know, he'll go out and have sex tonight with someone in Tampa and I really just enjoy that. You're a good kid, dude. Having a fun time. Yeah. These people see, in other cities, buttholes would get tied to like. I'm not gonna laugh at someone who's handicapped, but Tampa, you'll be fucking hysterical. It doesn't matter. You guys are real pieces of shit and love this kid. Dude, good for you. Good for you. Now they said it was a sold out show, but I seen empty row behind. These people better be dead in a fucking bus accident. Where are they? Yeah, right. Yeah, that's. That's the tire guy. I really. It'd be that kid when he's. The last part that he wanted to still go out. I really was laughing out loud. I was like, what a city, man. What a city, dude. This is my third time here at the Tampa theater and I really do. It really is such a great. It really is such a great city, man. You know, and it's. I'm happy. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, Dude. I was in Newport Richey the last couple of days at my dad's retirement community. Yes. Right. Yes. So it's nice to see people who are alive and that's nice. My dad was walking around, say, introducing me to all his friends. I said, dad, they're dead. These are corpses. They don't. It's just a guy. He's like, look at Merv. Fell asleep in the gym. I said, it's a dead body, sir. Dad, you need to call the ambulance. This man is dead. Going to start eating his body. Like I'm in yellow jackets to Tarpon Springs, man. The Greeks. Jesus Christ. Yes. Did you. Are you Greek? Yep. Don't like you. And. No, I'm kidding. It's just, you know, I got the podcast with Giannis. Just too much Greek. That's it, baby. History. Hyenas is back. Tart. But these Greeks, man. Tarp. You know, we ate a small boy and it's just Greek goats. And it was. But it's been nice. It's been nice walking around the city, you know. It's been nice walking around here in Florida, sir. And I like it. This guy. And here, dude, this city. I like it. I really do. I like. I like the energy. Okay. American flags here, right? You got one flying proud. Absolutely. And that's good. New York, we don't have that. There's no national pride anymore. And no American flags. Nope. All you do is you see Ukrainian flags and rainbow flags, you know? And I'm like, am I in the gay part of Kiev? I didn't know that. I stepped on a magical sewer cap and teleported right into downtown gay Kiev. That's what it feels like. You look around, just look, you know? And by the way, I'm supportive. I want to make sure everyone understands. I am supportive of the Ukrainians and the gays. Okay? I hope Zelensky's sucking cock right now. Heaven, please. Dear Father and dude, Zelensky got yelled at two weeks ago. Holy shit. I was like, ay, dios mio. I. I lit. No, I literally felt like. Like, that's like. Because, you know, when I get yelled at at home, like, my girl, like, she'll yell at me and the kids, like, we all just get yelled at. Having, like, flashbacks. Like, I literally, like, I felt. That's how Zelensky felt, just sitting there, you know? I don't know. Like, sometimes I get yelled at now by my girl, and I'd be like, I don't know. Do you want minerals? I will sign the deal for minerals. I don't know. So she, you know. Yeah, we'll see. See how that goes. But it is good. This is a good place, you know? I like it. Because, you guys, there's no bullshit, okay? No bullshit here. I like that. Cause there's too much bullshit now back where I live, it's like, everybody wants to be a part of everything. Everyone can say whatever they want. Always. I'm like, no, like, the new thing. Everybody wants to be on the spectrum now all of a sudden, right? Everybody wants to be. That's the new thing. Oh, yeah. You have to be careful with him. Really. Come on, Cut him some slack. He's just been recently diagnosed on the spectrum. I'm like, he's 47 years old. What are you talking about? You're making it up. I hate that people are making. Because, you know, and I don't subscribe to that. I really don't. I'm like, no, I'm going to stand up. You can't just say you're a part of something because you want to. It's like, my rule. You're on the spectrum. You better have a helmet on and be fucking biting me, okay? And then I will say, okay, if every time we hang out, I got to get a tetanus shot because you're out of your fucking mind. But other than that, no. And I feel like here, you know what I mean, you accept. And I like that. I like that. Okay, this town. This is good. Because old school rules here. You know what I'm talking about, sir? I mean, you know, are you a magician? Are you in fact a magician? Okay. Cause I was just wearing that hat. I keep thinking you're gonna pull a rabbit out of it or. I don't know why you're wearing that hat, but I do like it. Sir, what I like about your outfit the most is you're wearing that hat, which is a very dressed up hat. And then the rest of you looks like you're ret. And you know, like. But in a fun way. In a fun way. I meant to say in a fun way. You know what I mean? I'm just kidding. He's getting. He got mad. That's okay. You know what, dude? Shoot me. Feed me the alligators. I don't give a. At all anymore. Yes, but the only. What'd you say? The only thing. You and I have the same name. What is. What is your name? Your name is Chris DiStefano. Oh, my God. First and last name. Oh, my God. This is Tampa. Me could. It's very rare, sir. It's very rare that I get to see what I would have looked like if in the divorce, instead of living with my mother in Queens, I live with my dad in Tampa. This would be who I am. Just a man in a newsies hat and jeans from Old Navy just sitting there recording everything. Dude, I like it. Dude. What does your shirt say? What does your shirt say? I'm that legendary. Turn around. It says I'm that legendary DiStefano everyone is talking about. That's it. Dude, I like that. I like that shirt. I like that shirt. I spell it Di. That's D E, but that's okay. But that's good, man. All right, Good, dude. And look, you got your workout in. You stood up, you sat down. Good for you. See? And we get our steps. That's what I'm talking about, dude. It's my boys over here. It's my kid, right? Listen, everybody's in. It's fucking in, dude. Good for you guys. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about, dude? You're a fucking minister or something, and this guy's got his shirt tucked in on the front. Untuck your shirt, dude. Pull your cock and balls out. You're in the front row. But you know what? I mean, it's like, look, I just kind of feel like, you know, I've said this before, but I like to say it here in Tampa because I feel like we vibe, you know, together. It's like we gotta start punching people in the face again. That's what I like. Right? She's understanding. You like that, right? That's what I like about Tampa is you will get hit here. You will get popped. You know, and that's not. There will be human teeth in the street tonight in Ybor City. And I like that. You know what I'm talking about. I love that there's like, these are, like, fixed chairs, but then they just have one loose chair in the front row. And that's Tampa. They said, you know what? We ran out of chairs. We're just going to bring one in from fucking downstairs, and we're going to charge you the same price. Piece of shit. And I like the people at Tampa. I like it. I like it. You know, people say, like, Florida's like its own nation. Good. I like this country. I really do like the country. No, I really do. I really. I really do. And, you know, the fucking state flag should just be an alligator with a mullet, and I would love that. And so. And a hat, like, you have, right? Hey, what about my hat? I'm the real Christoshono. That would be funny if you were on, like, dating sites and you catfished my name. It just showed up and they're like, you know, like, I can do a magic trick. I'm gay, too. So welcome to the show, and thank you, sir. Thank you for your vote and appreciate it. Thank you for your vote. We really needed it. Thank you, beautiful girl. But I appreciate it. Thank you very much. So. So. So. Hey, so. And yes. Thank you, you know, and look, you know, we're good, and things are. Things are good now. They're settled. Settle down, country's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, you know? And look, we are. And it feels good. It feels good to be back in charge. Just as a nation. Just as a nation. Feels good. Tongue in the ass. Earmuffs, dad. So he doesn't give a fuck. He's asleep. And so tongue in the ass. And I came like I had cerebral palsy. I really did. I was in there like Stephen Hawking. I was like, time is infinite. The universe is ever expensive. Spanding. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love it. You. You got your ass eaten, too. Yes. That's what happened. This. Yes, dude. This is it. This is what Happens, Dude, I see got his ass eate. And, dude, I'm literally talking through a straw like, I tried to pass this test. Two legs done. And so she gets off me, starts hysterical crying. I was like, what's wrong? She was like, this confirms you're gay. And then she left. She left Italy. You're trying to make it work for the kids. And by the way, you're wearing sandals in the front row, sir. Which I understand it's Florida, it's 85 degrees, but just know the last thing I ever want to see in my life is another man's toes. Just know that you're so close to me, I can feel your toes on my shoulder, okay? I honestly. I swear to fucking Christ right now, I would be ra. I'd rather be performing for Hamas than your feet. Your feet are terrorists, okay? I feel like a fucking Israeli hostage right now looking at your goddamn. They're disgusting. Dude, I'd rather wear his hat than look at your feet. Oh, just thong toes, sandals, disgusting, decrepit feet. And it's. I feel gay. Like, I might. I would feel straighter if I was just looking at your dick and balls. But the feet. Ugh, gross. Just put him away. Now he's trying to put him away. He's trying to curl him up. I can see him. Your feet are beautiful, ma'am. Women's feet are beautiful, but this guy's got fucking Shrek feet. Princess Fiona feet. It's okay. So look, I'm sorry, sir. You can put your feet out a little bit now. He's trying to hide them. So what's the dynamic here? Is that your boyfriend? How's it working? Brother and girlfriend? Brother and girlfriend. Nice. And I like that dude, you sit next to your brother, not your girlfriend. I fucking good. Smart shit, dude. Smart shit. Cause you know what it is with him? I fucking love this kid. He says like it's his condition, but he's touching your girl's tits. He's going like this. Every time he laughs. He's going like this. And he's giving a grab. I fucking like this guy. A lot. Yes. He just fucking tried. Smart kid. Dude. This kid's a man. Nice. I almost got one of the security guards to laugh at that one. But still, no. These security guards fucking hate me. I could tell that if someone rushes the stage, they'd be like, get that white motherfucker. Fuck him. And I respect that, fellas. I really do. Stick to your guns. I like that. Respect. Respect is respect. Fucking tried to comp a feel again. This fucker. Good kid. What a good kid. Indian. Ma'am, are you not Indian? Sorry. What a funny miss. She's like, what? Mrs. Patel. Sorry, sorry. I thought you were. I really thought you were. Whoops. Dominican. Okay, that's another miss. Okay, sorry. But you are Latina. You are not Latina. Okay? So, any questions? What are you? Oh, you're black. Oh, hey. Your life matters and it really does. Black lives matter, folks. Are you black? Really? Oh, wow. Even the security guard is like, I don't think she's black. He's like, she got big titties, though. I see that, sir. I see them. I have a very good angle. It's been tough to not get an erection, but you would never know I have the renaissance cock. So thank you for coming to the show. So my dad, Tampa Tony's here. You want to come up and talk to him? Stevie, where is he? You got him. This is. Look, Steve Ceccone, Rice a Roni. If you know him from the hey Bay podcast, he's single. Fellas, there he is. Tampa Tony. Looking good. He's got the compression. My dad's got compression socks on. No underwear. That's a guarantee. It's Tampa, baby. You know, have a little fun. Yes, dude. Anybody got a question while he's coming up? I like. Yes, sir. You have a gift for me? What is it? I got this for you two years ago. You got this for me two years ago and I never took it. Nice, dude. What is it? Oh, it says, made in Vietnam. Is that where you're from? Oh, sorry. Open it. Here we go. Let's see what it is. Oh, wow. Whitney Houston, folks. A Whitney Houston bobblehead doll. I'd like to give it to the black woman in the crow. Is your name Whitney? I fucking love you. You're making me so emotional. I thank you, sir. I really appreciate this. Whitney Houston. And I like that you got me. There he is, folks. Dad, we got a microphone. Oh, here we go. Let's see if this mic works. Is this mic on? Is this on? There it is. Tampa Tony, everybody. Look at him. What do you think, dad? Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston. And I like that. I respect. You got me the. During her crack days. I appreciate that. Well, I love Whitney Houston because my dad loves Whitney Houston, right? She's my favorite. Favorite. Look at all these people. Dad, how do you feel? Feel great. You feel great? You got underwear on. And I thank you all for coming supporting my son. See, there he is. See? Now let me ask, Tampa T, how'd you like the show, first of all, it was great, but Mom B Wasn't too happy. Why wasn't Mom B happy? That's my stepmom. Shout out my stepmom. What was. What was the problem? You were using too many of those crazy words. Oh, yes, the cursing. Well, the earmuffs. I know. Well, dad, you raised me. Does anybody have a question for me at Tampa? Tony? Yes, let's. This lady right here. When is. Hey, babe. The podcast coming back? You know, I know. I'm not on it. Yeah, my dad's not on. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think that we're. Just. Because Steve's. Sorry, Sal. Sal's busy. I'm busy. And I think, you know, Steve was running it all. Steve's working with me. He's working with Sal. We're on the road a lot, so I think once our schedules calm down. Maybe 2026. Maybe 2026. The truth is, Sal's dead. And what you're seeing is an AI image of him. He's worked himself to death. He's dropped dead on the road because he's touring too much. So he's a hologram like Joe Biden. So, yes. Let's give it up for this. Look at this fucking guy. Watch that. Huh? Tell us about. Oh, the Yankees game. The Dwight Gooden game. Oh, that was great. That was great. So if you saw anybody watch my special on Hulu, it's just unfortunate. Thank you. Thank you. So at the end of that, I told a story about when you and I went to the Dwight Gooden New York Yankees, no hitter. And. Yeah, that was true. True. Yeah. Do you remember much about that? I don't even remember you. Yeah, I know. That was. So if you remember my dad, My dad got us better seats by, you know, making me make believe Ear muff, sir. I was retarded. And no disrespect. And so. So, yeah, I mean, that was a fun. I mean, what time did we actually get home? 4:30. Really? It was that late? Right. And Chris and you had to do a project. I did have to do a project. The next mother did it for you, called you a special. She did call me a special. Yes. Well, that. I said that on the show. Yeah, she called you a special. Because I was a little kid. So what would happen would, like. Cause obviously, you know, my mom and my dad are divorced, and so my. When you would drop me off that late, would my mom, like, just then. Would you just have to then go back home to Staten Island? Would she like Let you at least come in, sleep a little bit or what? I don't remember. She chopped out with a knife. She said, get the hell out of here. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, it's true. Anybody else? Oh, yes, this guy. I like this guy. How is TT Jerry? Well, you can ask my dad. My dad's dating him. No, TT Jerry's good. TT Jerry's good. She's actually sucking cock in Eboard City if you guys want to go down there. No, she's. She's good. Everything's good. Maybe. Maybe we might see her again, right? Hopefully. Titi and my dad were good friends. It was funny. It was a very cool dynamic. If you don't know. TT Jerry is. Is Jasmine, my girlfriend's transgender uncle, aunt, you know, and did 20 years in prison. And it was fun to just watch my dad and Jerry kind of just get along, you know? Kind of. Cause, you know, my dad's old school kind of guy. And it was nice to just, like, you know, like, I remember we were watching, like, you know, Fox News was on or something. Tucker Carlson's on, and my dad and Jerry are just watching. And Jerry's like, tucker's fucking cute. I want to suck his dick. And Jerry's. My dad's like, yeah, he's a handsome guy. He's a handsome guy. Yep. True. Like, he doesn't get excited. You know, it would be one of those things. Like, Jerry would take my dad to his dialysis appointments, and then my dad would take Jerry to his estrogen therapy to get. I gotta get new tits, Tony. He's like, yeah, they look good. I go, say, they look good, Jerry, you got nice tits. Jerry does have nice tits. By the way, you cursed again. And Mom B. Is gonna give me time. I know. She knows it by now. My family knows. They know. Yes. By the way, I just want to say we're gonna get that answer in a second, but the way that you just raised your hand. Are you gay, sir? Are you gay? No. I'm not even fucking around. Are you gay? You couldn't. You have to see what I. He raised his hand like this. I've never seen anyone. Why did you raise your hand like that? Like, fuck yeah. What is your favorite restaurant in Tampa? Oh, God. And don't say Busch Gardens. Don't make a bush joke. What do you think? The restaurant we went to. Where'd we go yesterday? Well, that wasn't in Tampa. Do you even eat out in Tampa that much? Yeah, we do. You don't really Leave Newport, Richie. That much? No. Well, my wife doesn't know where he kicked is, so we got to go out. Oh, see CD here's what we can always have. I'm cursing, I'm making all these jokes, but you just as it goes, you up the worst. You made the bigger mistake than me. Yes, sir. Oh, look at this guy. You want to talk about a guy on fucking cocaine? Here we go. Look at this guy. This guy is. We got to get the paramedics outside now. Let's go, dude. What do you want to know? My wife's from Long island. She wants to know we hate our kids principle. We want to meet that one. Oh, they hate the. Don't worry, I'll do it. I'll do it. My dad'll do it. I'll do it. My dad'll do it. Just say that the principal doesn't like the Yankees. My dad will beat him with a fucking club. How much you would have pay me? Yeah, that's it. How much? No, she doesn't know. No money. I'll do it for free. Yeah, I'll do it for free. Do you. Why do you hate the principal? What does she do? Or he probably she. Here's what I could tell you about you, Sir. For sure, 100%. I understand. And I understand that you hate the Prince. Allegedly. I understand that you hate. I understand that you hate the principal, but I can guarantee you the principal hates you more. I mean, if I'm sure of one. I'm as sure about that as I am he's gay, by the way he raised his hand. Okay, you're right. There he goes. All right, one more and then we gotta go. We gotta get. Dad's gotta pee. No, you asked one already. You already. Yes. Let's get this lady. Oh, she needs some tampa. Tony Wisdom. Right here, dad. Here we go. Yes, Wisdom for me. You'll be in trouble. Go ahead, take it right now. Sorry. She said her sense of humor, her 10 year old son has a sense of humor way above his age. So how did you deal with me? Because I guess you're assuming that I had a sense of humor way above my age. And what you don't understand is I became a comedian because I was molested by priests. Now, so. Well, from 7 years old to about 13 years old, I thought he was gay. Yes. He'd walk around the basketball court like this, you know. Yes. And then he'd say he found the girl. So I'd say, oh, good. Yeah, it's very funny that I know the More gay jokes. We do. I could see the only black couple leaving. They're like, fuck this gay shit. I appreciate it. Thanks for staying as long as you did. I appreciate it. All right. Glendale, baby. Ridgewood, Glendale. Are you from there? Thank you, Satan. That voice was. Holy shit. All right. Ridgewood, Glendale. Are you a cop? Why do you have that haircut, then? That is that. You are trying to impress me. Nice. Sit in that section. All right, one more Tampa Tea, right? And then we got to go. Should we do a woman or a female or a male? What do you want to do, dad? I'll let you choose. I will do a woman. A woman. That's it. I love you so much, too. Thank you. I really do. I love you. I love you so much as well. And I hate to tell you that we just put a show in Philly on sale, so you didn't have to drive 1500 miles. I'm gonna be in Philly, so. Oh, you're going to that one, too, so. She's a psycho. So security. What we need, sir? He hates me. Thank you, sir. Thank you, ma'am. I appreciate it. And by the way, we have. I did sign posters in the back. If anybody wants one, we sign one. Tampatonia. Lick it for you. You, if you want. All right, you know what? Let's do one more girl in the back, and then that's it. That lady right there with her hand up. Yes, you. Yeah, it's. Hi. What advice would I give a man from New Jersey dating a Hispanic woman? I would say duck. Yeah. Is that your boyfriend right there? Yes, sir. So what I would say is. I've said this before, is we do have support groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For what? As I'm sure you've heard. I'm sure you've heard about that. You call in. But what. What I would say. What I would say, honestly, is what. What would be best is if you faked for the rest of your life, just made believe you've had a stroke and you can't move, see, do anything. Life's gonna be long. It's gonna be painful, and you will not die of cancer. You will die of a stab wound. But the sex is amazing. And I can't. And, dude, I can't get out either, so we're kind of just fucked. But I would say, yeah, that guy's leaving right now with that baseball hat on. Sorry, sir. I'll buy your mixtape after the show. He's a Yankees fan. He does. All right. Anybody from up there and Then we'll go. Nobody. They're too poor to ask questions. Oh, did you have one, ma'am? Oh, sorry. Oh, this guy has one. Sorry. Yeah, last one on this guy because this is his last moments of life. Breathe through it. Oh. September 28, 1978. That's a very specific date. My dad's life that I don't think he's gonna. I don't think he's gonna tell you in front of a thousand people. But what. But where you can hear it is patreon.com history hyenas. So we're gonna let that one. I still have the memory. I still have it. All right, anybody else? What's Danny's glucose level right now? What's my dad's glucose? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, yeah, let me see. 1776. Snacian's birth year is his glucose. How you feel? Good, Dan? I feel great. Great. All right. Huh? Get those numbers up, dude. Absolutely, absolutely. Do we have Narcan? I know we do in Tampa. You guys sell that shit to 7 11. All right, folks, well, thank you for the Whitney Houston bobblehead doll. Tampa Tony in the building for you. Enjoy a poster. Thank you guys so much for coming. It was great. Have a good night. Steve Ceccone Rice a Roni. Appreciate it. I'll give you guys two things. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I'll give you guys two things. Ok. Okay. If it wasn't for my hero and my wife, I'd be gay. Thank you. Okay. These are my. My lifesaver. My life sa. There it is. Later, buddy. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. Thank you. I want you smelling good. Good. Okay. I found a new deodorant. It's called Cremo cmo. And it's unbelievable. They use this multi layered scent technology. I was not smelling great. Jaz was telling me. My family was telling me, you kind of stink. So I said, what the hell's my problem? I was using the wrong deodorants, the wrong sense. Now your boy is smelling clean. People call me Chrissy Cremo when they smell my pits. They can't even believe what it is. And I said, baby, it's Italian. It's Italian. They got an Italian scent. Wait, I want to get the name right, because this. I went to Target and I got this one. What. What was the scent called? Jazz. What it was, it was. Oh, Palo Santo. Palo Santo. That was the scent. And then the other good one they had is Italian bergamot. Those are the ones that you Want to get. You want to go to target or target.com and that's where you're going to find Cremos antiperspirants. Get those scents. Get the Italian bergamot or the palo santo scent. Your boy smells great. Actually, my show in Orlando, a guy was like, what do you smell so good? I was like, I have crema all over my body. I'm literally a cremo. I'm Chrissy Cremo. I'm a cremo mushroom. I'm a cremon cremini mushroom. So go get cremo. Go to target or target.com find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants, and get that Italian bergamot or the Apollo Santo scent. That's nice. Palo Santo sounds like the shortstop for the Mets, but I'm telling you, you're going to want him on your armpits. Guys, let me tell you something. First of all, I want to give BetterHelp a shout out. Thank you for sponsoring this podcast. I use BetterHelp. Obviously, your boy's in good shape. Okay. BetterHelp is online therapy that you need to try. What I like about online therapy is there's no brick and mortar. There's no therapist office you actually have to go to. That would give me stress. That would give me anxiety. Well, now, since everything is all done online through BetterHelp, I feel like I just go. It's just a click of a button, the link is there, and then boom. And all you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and then they will match you up with a licensed therapist, which you can change, by the way, at any time. And right now, because you're a loyal listener of the Chrissy Chaos show, which I really do appreciate so much, all you got to do is go to Better Help. That's H E L P. BetterHelp.com use that promo code CHAOS. You're going to get 10% off your first month. So I really appreciate the good folks at Better Help Help for giving our loyal listeners some discounts here. 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Give therapy a try. Use BetterHelp. I love it. Thank you. I love you, mom. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. What's up, baby? We're coming to you live from the Tampa theater, the Trampa Theater. This is Brandon. Met him on Grindr. What's your last name? Barrera. Brandon Barrera. Are you a migrant?

[Chris DiStefano]

My dad was.

[Brandon Barrera]

Really?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

From what country?

[Chris DiStefano]

Panama.

[Brandon Barrera]

Whoa. Panama. Shout out To Panama Canal. Shout out. Mariano Rivera. Shout out. Just us kind of just taking that country, right? I mean, we just took Panama.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think they still use U. S. Currency.

[Brandon Barrera]

Do they?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Sick, dude. This guy's got no dick and balls. If you notice this. This guy. No genitals at all.

[Chris DiStefano]

I thought that was from the Oscars.

[Brandon Barrera]

Dude, we're here. I was with my dad all day. So tonight, you know, we're going to. I'm going to try to do some material about Tarpon Springs. I'm going to try to do some material about. About just being in Florida. I'm at the Tampa theater, which is the biggest show I've done since my specials come out. And I. My Hulu special, which is out right now, it's called. It's just unfortunate it's there. I don't have, like, that much new material, so it's one thing to do that at a comedy club, but now to do this at a theater. We're going to see what happens tonight because, I mean, I'm going to have to lean into some crowd work. I'm going to start to. I'm going to do that thing, be like, hey, who wants to hear some old stories? Like, I'm not going to do material from. It's just unfortunate. Or especially. What. You're on Netflix. I'm going to do material from size 38 waist on comedy Central because I figured people definitely forgot those bits from eight years ago. So I'll just start doing those bits and see if I can make something happen out of it. Because I. Listen, I've been writing, but a lot of the. You know what? I'm. I'm trying in my head to be clean now all of a sudden, or cleaner, and I'm just like, every joke has just come out of the butt.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

What did you do today?

[Chris DiStefano]

I went golfing with some friends. They came up with me. So, you know, and then we got by the pool.

[Brandon Barrera]

I could tell that you're going to go far in this business. You have raging personality.

[Chris DiStefano]

I never know how to be on other people's podcasts.

[Brandon Barrera]

You know, you're very comfortable in front of the camera. Yeah, dude. Steve. Steve Ciccone. Rice, a Roni is in the background of this thing with his hair slicked back like a real grease monkey. Dude, this guy looks like a bookie today.

[Chris DiStefano]

But you know what it is? The last time I was on this podcast, like a little snippet Steve Will do it gave me $3,000. So it can't get.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's right.

[Chris DiStefano]

It can't get better than that.

[Brandon Barrera]

Steve, can we edit that footage into this right now to show that this kid got $3,000? And you know what I love about you? This is why I was happy to have you back. You gave half of it to the other opener. Brittany Brave. Shout out. Brittney Brave. You gave it to her because she was gonna have to suck cock in Fort Lauderdale to pay her rent if it wasn't for the 15 hundo that Steve Will do. It gave to her through Brandon Barrera. Oh, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then I took her out for dinner that night, too. We went to Miller's Ale House. Shout out. Miller's Ale House.

[Brandon Barrera]

No, shout out, dude. You know what? One thing, When I hear Brandon Barrera, I hear class, baby. He takes his girls out to Miller's Ale House.

[Chris DiStefano]

Get a nice little zinger, Mountain dude.

[Brandon Barrera]

I saw. I was at Miller's Ale. There's a Miller's Ale House in Levittown, Long Island. There's a comedy club out there called Governor's Comedy Club. You know, Governors, right? Great, great club. And shout out Jimmy. I have to shout him out or else he'll kill me. I love Governors Maguire's Brokerage. Great, great Long island clubs. And I'm gonna definitely be coming back and doing some of those after Madison Square Garden, September 11th. After we do that, we're gonna, you know, go do some Long island rooms. I love those clubs. But. But anyway, I'm at Miller's Ale House after a Governor show, and I saw the guys that's just like. Like, walking across the. I think it's Hempstead Turnpike out there, right? I think Hempstead. And so he's. And he got hit by a Nassau. A Nassau county police officer. I saw this happen in front of.

[Chris DiStefano]

He just got clipped.

[Brandon Barrera]

He got hit by the car. Not going that fast. But then the Nassau county police officer just sped away, and he didn't stop. And I was like, what the heck the hell was the cop, like, driving? Like, the cop hits, and the guy was, like, kind of hurt. Like, you know, he, like, limped off. And then people were like. Somebody's like, did you get the plate? And then the other guy Was like, they're cops. I've never seen that in my life. But shout out to Nassau County Police Department if you know there's a high chance that whoever that cop was that did that probably listens to this podcast. So I. So just know. I know who you are. And I thought it was real funny. And that guy. Here's what happened to that guy. Because I stayed for another three hours, that guy proceeded to go inside and get blacked out drunk. And I know for a fact he doesn't even remember. He woke up the next morning being like, why is my leg broken? Yeah. No, you fell off a bar stool at Miller's. Yeah. Like, no, did you got hit by a Nassau county police officer crossing the street.

[Chris DiStefano]

It gets wild over there.

[Brandon Barrera]

It does. It does. I.

[Chris DiStefano]

One of those restaurants is open till like, 2:00am Seriously?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do tonight too, is I'm gonna. I'm gonna bring up Tampa Tony onto the stage at the end of the spot. So that's what I think will be a fun part of this podcast tonight that you guys will watch tonight. Cause, by the way, we've changed. We've changed the time now. You can see in this. Tuesdays at 8pm I want to make this, like, you know, the show's coming out at night now, not in the morning. So two. So you'll see this moving forward. Tuesdays, 8:00pm Eastern time, standard American colonial, original 13 colonies time. That's when you start to see at 8:00pm But. But I want to bring Tampa Tony up. I want him to just talk to the audience, have the audience ask him questions. And I'm going to frame it like, this is a cool, fun thing to be a part of the podcast, but it's really. Because I don't have any new material, so I'm just looking for ways to finagle minutes on this stage.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just get the crowd all fired up.

[Brandon Barrera]

Here he is in the New Year's.

[Chris DiStefano]

Show that you brought up Tampa Tony.

[Brandon Barrera]

Did I bring up Tampa Tony? But not. But we didn't talk to the audience. I just brought him out on stage.

[Chris DiStefano]

Pumped, though.

[Brandon Barrera]

They were pumped. Yeah. No, they're going nuts for him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Especially at midnight when the ball dropped.

[Brandon Barrera]

Dude, we were walking around Tarpon Springs. This guy, Tampa Tony was getting stopped and people were asking to take pics. Like, every 10ft.

[Chris DiStefano]

People recognize you at Harvard Springs.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. Tampatoni.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Was he tarps off?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, yeah, dude. He was shirtless, dude. No, no, shirtless. But the guy had. Dude, he had. His compression socks today were insane. Yeah, he had them pulled up to. I've never seen it. It's like, who wears their high. Like, when judge. Like, or, like, you know, like, baseball players wear their. Their socks out of their pants. It looked insane, dude. I was like, dad, what are you. What are you doing? Bright. He wore a bright red T shirt, bright red shorts, compression socks, no underwear.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nice.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's just how he rolls, you know? What? At that age. Yeah. With his glucose monitor and he was ski. He. What he does, he takes his phone and he scans his glucose monitor all day to see what his blood sugar is. I'm like, you're like a QR code. Yeah. Like, you're like an item at a supermarket. I mean, he's like, when you get to be my age, these are the things you got to do. Dude, I took him to the gym. We went to the gym and his, you know, complex where he lives, and I was like, you know, doing my workout. I like time workout, burpees, whatever. I was like, dad, like, just hit the. That little, you know, like the. The seated bike. I was like, just do 30 minutes on that, you know, ramp up, ramp down. Gave him a whole program. And I did my workout. I come over. He's sleeping on the bike. Dude, fully asleep. Just lean back like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

I. I took my buddy's dog out one time to go rollerblading, right? His dog was, like, over, like, 15 years old. My buddy wasn't home home, right. And then when he got home, his dog was, like, literally passed out on the ground. He's like, what'd you do with Shadow? I was like, I took him rollerblading. He's like, dude, he doesn't rollerblade.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's dying, and he died, like, two weeks later.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Just killed him. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's family. They always talk about it.

[Brandon Barrera]

I've told this story before, and I know Mike Cannon has told the story before. This is Mike Cannon's story. Mike Cannon has the craziest story. He was at a. A party at his friend's house.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

They're teenagers. You ever hear this story? So. So Mike was telling the story. It was hilarious. He said that one of his buddies, they're having, like, a big house party. Whatever. They don't tell the parents. Fine. So they're. They're. They're, like, you know, drinking, and then they're, you know, smoking a lot of weed, and they're, like, blowing smoke in the dog's face. They're putting Beer on the dog bowl. Oh, yeah. Like, they're just, like, being idiot kids. Anyway, dog dies, right? So the dog. The dog is dead and they. And this kid sees his parents coming home, like the next morning, and the dog is, like, dead. So he doesn't know, like, what to do. I mean, he could have just told them, like, the dog died in the middle of the night and not said anything. But anyway, his parents come in and he then goes out the other way. He takes the dog's dead body and he push. He puts it, like, on, like, lays it by the tree and then backs the car up into the tree and then comes out and, like, does this whole performance like I hit the dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, he ran it over.

[Brandon Barrera]

Like he ran it over. And what? He didn't know that his dad was watching him from the moment he came out of the house with the dog's dead body. So he's watching his son carry the dog's dead body, lay it by the tree, back the car up, and then do this performance of, like, the dog's daddy. I think Mike said he got sent right to boarding school.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was it.

[Brandon Barrera]

That was it. Just get away from us.

[Chris DiStefano]

I thought it was gonna be prison.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, psychotic. How come we don't have any snacks in here tonight?

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, we got High Noons in the fridge.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's where we fucking eat.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do you have a writer? I think that's what it was.

[Brandon Barrera]

Hell, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do you have a writer?

[Brandon Barrera]

I do, but I always just want black coffee and water. But now today I kind of wanted something. Yeah, whatever. They got pineapple. I wish. You know what? It should be rather than like a rider, a generic rider. What if it's just like, you know, the day before we just check in? What do you think Chris is gonna want? Yeah, right. Listen, some days I'll just want coffee and water. Some days I want pizza. Some days I'll want a tight ass Filipino boy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You ever hear the story. Give me this. Of Eddie Griffin, his rider, he wanted, like, brand new. Like Air Force.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, yeah, sure. That's like. That's like the classic one. And allegedly crazy. I don't know if it's true or not, but allegedly it's a new pair of sneakers. Every show. Every show. So if he's doing two in a night, it's just sneakers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

You know, and then at the end.

[Chris DiStefano]

Of the weekend, he threw them in the trash. He didn't even wear them. They were brand new. He threw them in the trash. He poured ketchup all over them.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, nice.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nice white Nike Air Force ones.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, well, there's nothing white about that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Shout out Eddie Griffin. Shout out Eddie Griffin. Just kidding. Just kidding. Of 14. Wrong podcast. Yeah, dude. All right, so we're gonna. I'm gonna try to hit some of these. Some of these bits.

[Chris DiStefano]

You don't have any new stories that you want to work out?

[Brandon Barrera]

I don't know. I mean, I do and I don't. We'll get Tampa Tony on. We'll get. But that's the problem, is I feel guilty about, like, working something out at a theater, right? I've got to work it out. The comedy club. Me and Stevie are going to start going back to the comedy clubs more and, you know, comedy seller, New York, comic club, all that. New York. Bring Tampa Tony up there. Maybe we'll get Tampa Tony here after the show. We'll get him on, we'll see how he feels, we'll check in with them, and then that's it. Maybe. Maybe we'll fucking do a little shit around Tampa tonight. But we'll see. We'll see what's gonna happen. This theater. This theater's beautiful. This is Brandon's first theater. Yeah. First biggest show he's ever done. How do you feel? You feeling nervous? No, I feel good. Yeah, you look. You look. You look like you're calm right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I feel good. I've been looking at my notes all day.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's it. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

At some point, you got to rip.

[Brandon Barrera]

A band aid off, you know, 100%. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

What was, like, your first theater?

[Brandon Barrera]

Huh?

[Chris DiStefano]

What was your first theater like?

[Brandon Barrera]

I don't fucking know. You don't remember? I don't know, dude. Brandon, you look like a terrorist. He's like, we can't have any sentimental moments on this podcast. Fucking asshole. All right, here we are. We just got to Orlando, and Brandon Barrera's mother's Mazda.

[Chris DiStefano]

Shout out my mom.

[Brandon Barrera]

Shout out your mom. Shout out Mrs. Barrera. Or she divorced.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's divorced.

[Brandon Barrera]

But she kept my.

[Chris DiStefano]

She kept my name.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's a real pro. So did my mom. My mom was divorced since I'm a little kid, but she always kept the last name Destefano because she didn't want the other kids to make fun of me because we had different last names.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's like your mom changes your last name.

[Brandon Barrera]

It's like, then it's just another person, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, right.

[Brandon Barrera]

But the kids just made fun of me for other reasons, you know? They just made fun of me for just being a blueberry.

[Chris DiStefano]

What age did Your parents get divorced?

[Brandon Barrera]

I think I was. I think I was 2.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was 4.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Oh, so you have no, you know, no memory of it?

[Chris DiStefano]

I have. I remember my dad was. I was like, where you going? He's like, I'm out.

[Brandon Barrera]

Why did he leave? I think he was just depressed, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

I think my sister told me recently. She was like. I think it was because they were trying so hard to have my sister, right? And then my dad, he. You know, he had to go on, like, meds to build up his testosterone, right?

[Brandon Barrera]

And they.

[Chris DiStefano]

The side effects just, like, made him.

[Brandon Barrera]

Crazy, made him depressed. So you just had to have your sister with another woman?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Wow. Yeah, I know. It's. I guess it's better. If you're gonna do a divorce, do it, like, when you're as young as you are.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I always say. Get it. Get it done when you're young. Because my friends who have their parents, like one of my buddies, his parents are getting the divorce now, and he's like. I'm like, aren't they in their 60s? He's like, yeah. What the fuck are they doing?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, just. Honestly, dude, either do it when they're young or do it when your kids are, like, 16. Just really give them a test for adulthood. Say, this is what life is going to be. This is what failure feels like. Yeah. Get fucking used to. Don't divorce when they, like, eight.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

No lessons there.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's like, we're already off to a good start. Eight years in. It's like, that's when life really starts to. You're remembering things. You start making friends. It's like, you'll fuck them up.

[Brandon Barrera]

Look at. Look around, folks. As you know, this. This is Orlando, okay? This is what you have. The Magic Kingdom and then this, okay? This is Orlando, folks. Welcome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Orlando is a fucking dump, dude.

[Brandon Barrera]

Is it really?

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a dump.

[Brandon Barrera]

Just. Just. Disney is the only thing that they have, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

And Disney's not even in Orlando. It's in Lake Buena Vista. Orlando's just like the hub.

[Brandon Barrera]

So really, what Orlando does have that I like is a lot of Puerto Ricans.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Orlando. Specifically, one of the best Puerto Rican places I've ever eaten at in my life. It's called Campo. It's right here in Puerto Rico. Orlando. Little Orlando. Puerto Rico. Vamos. Orlando. Oh, yes. The soccer team is good here, I guess.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Shout out. My friend Bridget, she used to play for the women's team.

[Brandon Barrera]

Here it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Orlando Pride.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, nice. What a name. The Orlando Pride. Yeah. So tonight we got the show in Orlando. Here's what's happening. Tonight we got the show, it's at 5:00pm, okay. And then I have an 8:00pm flight leaving the airport. So we're gonna do the show. We're gonna literally, I'm talking about, I'm gonna have to. A lot of times we, we delay the show. Like the show will say, you know, it'll start at 7, but really it doesn't start, start till 7. 20 people got to get scanned in on their tickets and it's a whole thing. This tonight, unfortunately, it's Brandon's going up first, then another guy. What's the other guy's name?

[Chris DiStefano]

Mike.

[Brandon Barrera]

Mike. The other guy. Mike is going on and then I'm going on. So we cannot hold the show because I got to get to the freaking airport right away. So Brandon's gonna have to go up there and eat shit for 15 minutes because nobody's going to be paying attention because people are going to be filing into the show and what we're gonna do is record it and just put it as a part of this YouTube episode. No, he'll fucking kill. But it is, it is like a comedy chops moment where you just like. I mean, I've been in this situation before. You just gotta kind of eat it, suck it up. Nothing we could do. And then this guy Mike will go on and then I'm gonna do literally 60 minutes, my contractual obligation on the dot, like the absolute dot, going. But I will say I feel very, very good doing these shows at 5pm If I didn't have to leave right away, it would I guess, feel different. But I just like getting it done. I like and I want, I'm hoping that the audience, the show's almost sold out or it is sold out. The audience I'm hoping really enjoys this 5 o'clock energy because I want to be the pioneer of the early shows. I want to be Chrissy early shows. Chrissy Grandma's Chrissy Bingos. We go on at five your night. You come see me. Your babysit. You have your babysitter come at 3:30. You can have a great night and have all the fun you wanted to have. And have the babysitter done by nine. So you pay the babysitter six hours, seven, you want to give them a little tip. And you don't have to stay out till 3 o'clock in the morning. You can wake up and be good for your kids tomorrow. That's the pitch to Krissy Brunt shows. These are shows Are designed for people with kids. That's what. Even though we're not going to be clean at all. I mean, in the. It's gonna be 5:45 in the afternoon. I'm gonna be jokes about how my girlfriend eats my ass. So just understand that, that, that's also a part of it. But I'll get, I'll. Dude, that's where Steve lives, Edgewood. Cause he's always fucking edging. I am a guy who. I'll go, I'll go as early as the crowd is willing to go. If you told me that the crowd would be willing to do shows at 10am, I swear to Christ, I. I would do them all day long. I would do shows at 10 and 12 and love my life. I have to try to figure out a way how to get 10am comedy going. That's what I want to do.

[Chris DiStefano]

You never did Edinburgh.

[Brandon Barrera]

Do they do comedy at 10am?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, at the Fringe.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, but that's just like, it's like the festival. Yeah, but I want to do like, you know, I don't care. Edinburgh. I'm not going there. I want to, I want, I don't want to do that. See, the thing is, Edinburgh Comedy Fringe Festival, it's like, you know, legendary fest. And you gotta like do 30 shows and 30 nights and it's like you got shows at 10am, 11am, whatever. I gotta be honest with you. I don't want to do that. I don't want to deal with that. I would come in, do a show and then leave. I can't. There's nothing you can tell me. Like, if at this point in my life, if I have to do, hang out somewhere, you know, put in a lot of work, like, I'm past the point in my life of I'm doing things for exposure. It's like, you know what, dude, either book me or don't. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. I've tried my hardest to like play the game. I don't want to play it anymore either. Just come to the show and have a good time. Or don't. We're world spinning. We're dying. We're gonna get hit by a nuke regardless.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

Especially that pornhub nuke.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's. Dude, do you see that? What happened? Canada is now saying that to combat the trade war that they think is coming with the United States, they're gonna ban pornhub Canada in the United States because they. It's a Canadian owned company.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, really?

[Brandon Barrera]

So that's their counter attack.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's gonna hurt.

[Brandon Barrera]

Like, legitimate. Like, they're, like, bringing that up through Parliament. Yeah, it's gonna hurt saying, how about this? How about no porn? Because it is. There's no porn here in the state of Florida. And it's tough. I go on Reddit, though. I go on girls finishing the job. Reddit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that a real thing?

[Brandon Barrera]

It's a real thing. And it's. It's. It's kind of nice because Reddit gives the illusion of, like, this is like a homemade sex tape.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. You know, I hooked up with a Brazilian girl once. As we were going at it, she was like. She wanted to get into some freakier shit. I was like, I don't kink, shame, whatever you want to do. I go, what are you into? She goes, you're not gonna like it. I was like, just don't shove anything up my ankle ass. And then she was like, well, I go on Reddit. I look up, I'm really into, like, puking on dicks. I like to chug milk and then puke on dicks while I suck your cock. And I was like, okay, I guess you could do that. Yeah, sure.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. So did she do that? Yeah, she did that. She vomited all over your dick? Yeah. Nice.

[Chris DiStefano]

Pushed it all the way into a hole I didn't even know existed.

[Brandon Barrera]

Wow. Now, how did that feel for you? I mean, apparently there's a hole, like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Back there that's, like, further than, like, just the hole.

[Brandon Barrera]

Did your puke. Did you just. Were you just covered in puke?

[Chris DiStefano]

I was just covered in bile. Like, like, mute. Like milk. She literally chugged milk and then went.

[Brandon Barrera]

So it didn't even really smell then.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no. Yeah, it was nice. That was a whole milk.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're not lactose intolerant.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, this happened in Brazil.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, this happened in Bushwick.

[Brandon Barrera]

Nice. Yeah, yeah. Was she hot piece?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Bartender.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, amazing, dude. Now, what happened after that? Was that just the. What was it? Just you got a milk blowing and that's it?

[Chris DiStefano]

That was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't want to. She didn't want to have sex. She was like.

[Brandon Barrera]

She just wanted to blow.

[Chris DiStefano]

You wanted to do that and then ate my ass and then.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a funny thing when girls eat your ass. They put your legs behind your fucking head and then they jerk you off. Your dick turns into, like, a weapon against. Like, your own weapon against.

[Brandon Barrera]

Right. You could get shot in the face with your own gun. Bullets. Friendly fire, as you call it. Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Look at the skyline of Orlando, folks. That's very interesting. I've never heard of that, but that's. That's nice. A little milk chugging. Little milk chug. Bj. And then, you know, if you're watching, Honey. Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

I would say her name, but she's still around.

[Brandon Barrera]

Oh, she said. And she still works at the bar in Bushwick.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Nice. I. You know, dude, I got. We got free breakfast. I got Brandon a muffin. He doesn't want to eat it. It is a really good muffin. It's a blueberry crumb. Yeah. So today, you know, I don't even know as far as, like, new bits goes, guys. I think I have a couple of things I want to work on, but might be similar to the Tampa show. The Tampa show that you guys will see is wild. I mean, there's a guy with, you know, cerebral palsy in the front row that. We had a good time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

So we had a good time with him, and. And I think it's gonna be pretty. Pretty good stuff. And we'll see. Tampa Tony, supposedly is coming again tonight. Oh, is he? That's what he says. So. So maybe we'll see him before the show in the. In the green room. That's possible.

[Chris DiStefano]

He crushed it last night.

[Brandon Barrera]

He did. He did. He crushed it last night. And he definitely cropped us it as he was walking off stage. Did he 100? He says he didn't, but I'm like, well, then your ass is just leaking.

[Chris DiStefano]

He did really well. He was having a good time up there.

[Brandon Barrera]

He always is. He always does. He was funny last night. He goes. He said to the crowd, to everyone, he goes, yeah, my wife can't find a way around the kitchen.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's right.

[Brandon Barrera]

And then people were going crazy. And then. And then, like, you know, 10 minutes later, he was like, I just want to say before we go, my son's my hero and my wife's my hero. Because he knew that he was absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

If he didn't try to make up for that kitchen joke. Because the one thing you can't say to an Italian woman is that her cooking sucks. And it doesn't. Her cooking's excellent.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[Brandon Barrera]

Big D. All right, well, here we cut here. We're doing the great over here. Welcome to Orlando. Did you get it? Damn. All right, look at this. Tampa Tony's here in the building. Look at that. Look at this. How you doing? Look, going out with that with his bib on. Look, we Got pizza. We got pizza for the comedians. Tampa Tony came in and effed it up. I came at the right time. You want some iced coffee, Dan? Come on, dad. Step at the little guy. Here at Plaza Live in Orlando. Here. Come on. My dad's got my dad. Yesterday at Tampa theater when he came on show, he had pants on. He gave a surprise visit to Orlando today. Look at this. Compression socks. This is the Tampa Tony starter kit. Slip on Skechers compression socks pulled up to at least mid thigh. Shorts that he stole from me. And a T shirt with a stain on it. And underwear. And no underwear. And a bib. And I love how Brandon made my dad climb over him. My dad just. Brandon just doesn't give a scumbag. Come on. That's it. All right. Come on. So Tampa Tony's. Look at this, Another show. Here it is. Here's the bowels of the Plaza. Of the Plaza live. That's it. Dad, look. Look at this. Welcome Chris Sempano here. And they front. And Tampa Tony. That's it. Which way? How do they get to their seats? Do we know this way? All right, come on, let's go. You want to throw on a pair of boots? Then look at how many rooms they got in here. Want to do a little food shopping? Does Diane want to do a little food shopping? Price of eggs. This way. This. This way is to the state is to. For them to get to their seats. For him to get to the seats.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like stage right on the side there.

[Brandon Barrera]

There was a door we went through. All right. All right, I'll see you. I'll see you out there. Well, I'll see you. All right. I'll see you when we see you. I'll see you when we see you. Love you. Love you guys. Bye. I will. Hey, you could film and walk it down the thing because I'm going to stay up here. There's Tampa Tony, Mom B. Tampa Tony and Mom B. We got Tampa Tony's the new TT Tampa Tony, Mom B. That's it. All right, have fun. Love you guys. All right, I'll see you later. Wait, Steve, what are you doing? You're going to go out with them to their seats. I think he's coming back in. Thank you for the pizza and stuff. Appreciate it. So that's because I have to leave, like directly from the show to get to that flight. I'm. That's that. I'm not gonna. I can't see them after the show. Probably not gonna see them for a few months now. Damn. It's Tough. What are you gonna do? Right. Goes on. That's the thing. As my dad says, what can you do? The answer is nothing. So, all right, so now we'll get ready for this show. Oh, I've been gone since Wednesday. I'm feeling a little just freaking. This guy, he's been with me since Wednesday too. Fucking guy. All right, so what do we got today? What are we gonna do? Material wise, what is there really to make fun of in Orlando? What's funny about Orlando? Disney. I mean, with the shows at 5pm we'll make fun of. We'll try some bits about starting at 5pm this venue is in the back of a shopping center. So I'm doing a show at 5 o'clock next to an Old Navy. So career is not going well. Make some jokes about that. I mean, it is going well. Thank you to the fans. I appreciate it. Thank you. What else is funny? I mean, it's, you know, pretty much a hole outside the Magic Kingdom, which isn't even in Orlando. A lot of Puerto Ricans. What else is known about Orlando in Florida?

[Chris DiStefano]

Universal Studios.

[Brandon Barrera]

Universal Studios, Sea World. But I mean that's it. There's nothing else in the city. Yeah, like if you live in Orlando, that's not the goal. Right, right. Tampa is more parties, fun. Right. Orlando's kind of like, yikes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Okay, so that's what we do then. We'll just shit on the city of the people who paid good hard money to see me at 5:00 in the afternoon. I think 5:00 in the afternoon. I really think that this is going to be revolutionary. Instead of me being your knight, I'm your pregame to your knight on Chrissy precoms. Right? Dude, I wish you could see Steve's shirt right now. Steve shirt's got a nice cloth shirt from Tombolo. It's nice banana yellow. It says Saturday Night Live on it. Because tonight's Saturday night. Well, it's Saturday afternoon and he looks good in it. Bang. Look at that. And then, dude, I had three slices of pizza. This pizza actually wasn't bad, right? It wasn't bad. How many slice you have? Just one.

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't really like to eat that much before shows.

[Brandon Barrera]

So today have all you had. You had the muffin and a pizza. Oh, the eggs Benedict. Will you eat? Will you eat tonight at all? How do you stay? Because you've got a thin build. Brandon staying in my hotel room. Did you fart? Oh, Brandon. Brandon staying in my hotel room in Orlando. So he changed in Front of me, and the kid's got a nice kind of solid bod.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, I started going to the gym, like, six months ago.

[Brandon Barrera]

But you're just not. You don't have any body fat. Have you. Have you always been that way? Yeah, but it's because you don't. Is it because you eat less?

[Chris DiStefano]

I think I just have a good metabolism.

[Brandon Barrera]

Right. Okay. Is it. Is this. It's picking it up.

[Chris DiStefano]

But, I mean, yours is gonna be.

[Brandon Barrera]

Like, you know, crystal clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him one. All right. Steve is getting. Steven's getting Brandon a mic. Dude, what would you have done if my dad would have tripped over you? You.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know. You know, it was one of those situations where, like, he shook my hand to say, have a good show.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And. And then as he started to walk, I was like, should I get up? Is he struggling?

[Brandon Barrera]

I don't know if you saw that. Yeah, my dad was, like, almost gonna tumble weed over Brandon because my dad doesn't know how to, like, step over things.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, yeah, I thought there was enough space for him to walk, but then as I kept looking down, I was like, I think he's struggling.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But then I was already committed to sitting down, but then too late.

[Brandon Barrera]

But those things like that, like when he was walking down the ramp to the thing, he told his wife, he's like, you see how I stepped over Brandon? Like, those are. Those are his victories now. He's like, you see what I did back there?

[Chris DiStefano]

He told d before, when you were in the bathroom. He told her that she lives in his shadow.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He goes, you live in my shadow.

[Brandon Barrera]

You live in my shadow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll just. He'll just say, you know, he'll say like crazy to her all the time. I remember he always say to her, a woman works from son to son, but a man's work is never done. Look away. And then she. It is funny. They do have a great relationship because, like, I think, like, my mom, like, I don't think, like, that worked with their dynamic. Didn't work because my mom was like, shut up. I hate. But Diane is great because she for him, because she just laughs at him.

[Chris DiStefano]

She has good give and take.

[Brandon Barrera]

She's just like, okay, Tony. He's like, how about I trade? He goes, I remember one time he was like, how about I trade you in because she's turning 70. He goes, how about I trade you in for two 35 year olds? How about that? And she goes to him, you know what? If you can go out and somehow get two 35 year olds to come back with you to the house. I'll pack up my stuff and leave.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Brandon Barrera]

He was like, if you can pull it off, I will leave. He's like, I'm gonna go out tonight and do it. He fell asleep by seven.

[Chris DiStefano]

He just told me he's never. He hasn't been out. He hasn't been out on the night out of town since he was 20.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. He doesn't do anything.

[Chris DiStefano]

He doesn't go out.

[Brandon Barrera]

He doesn't go out and he doesn't care. Like, I was like, dad, does it bother you at all that you've never been to any. Like, he went to Italy last year. I was like, that you've never been to any other state or country? He was like, I don't care at all.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

He was like, if I want to go to Australia, I'll just go on the Internet.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, is that supposed to mean.

[Brandon Barrera]

I know. I remember the first time he ever went to California was with me shooting a pilot out there. And he came to visit. First time. And he goes, I'm telling you. I heard him telling his wife. He goes, I'm telling you, D, there's a different son out here. This ain't the same son we got in New York. It is. He's like, it's got to be different. I've never seen the sun like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's like we're in the Truman Show.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, dude, he's. It's so funny. That's good. They came from. They surprised me. Came from. You know, they were there last night in Tampa, but they came to Orlando. I think. You know what it is. I know what happened too. Like, I slept. Slept. I haven't. I haven't been in my dad's house since like 2007.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Maybe 2008. So I slept like in the guest room. Yeah, whatever. That's like, technically my room. And I think they were like, we gotta move back to New York. Like, they liked when I was there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, really?

[Brandon Barrera]

And they like. Like that when. If my kids were there. So I think they're like, oh, let's see them. You know, if they just came to my show last night. Yeah. I didn't sleep over. I don't think they would have come to Orlando, but I think.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow, that's big.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, right? That's nice. It was nice. It was nice to go with my dad to the gym yesterday. It was nice. It's been nice. But been gone since Wednesday. Saturday. We're gonna see if we make this flight, baby. JetBlue. If you. If JetBlue. If you can do what you do best and have a delay, that would help me out a lot. If you can just be just as normal jet blue as you can be and just have a 20 minute delay for no reason, that would really help.

[Chris DiStefano]

Help me.

[Brandon Barrera]

And I'd like a bag of Tara Blue chips and pieces of zooming on Brandon's crotch. Dude, how is it annoying to have the name Brandon? Because nobody knows if it's Brandon or Brandon. No, but it's. At all times, people don't know if it's Brendan or Brandon. Yeah. How many times in your life have you got asked, is it Brandon or Brandon?

[Chris DiStefano]

You lose track.

[Brandon Barrera]

I mean, it's just a part of your name.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's just. It comes with the gate.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, that should be the name of your special. Is it Brendan or Brandon?

[Chris DiStefano]

And then I spelled my actual name wrong.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like that. That. That guy in the Tampa theater yesterday whose name is Chris Decephano.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was crazy.

[Brandon Barrera]

He spelled he. We spell our names differently. So he's walking around with his shirt like, I'm the real Chris Stephano. I'm like, yeah, well, that's not my name, stupid. Yeah, we have a different last name. I liked him, though. He was. His girl was laughing, but he was not actually that.

[Chris DiStefano]

He wasn't having it when I started.

[Brandon Barrera]

Calling him a magician, saying, like, if I lived in Tampa, that's what I'd look like. He was getting upset. Really? Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I saw him walking around the town after the night was, like, over.

[Brandon Barrera]

Did you?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

So we'll see what happens with the Orlando stuff. I have to. I mean, dude. Are you ready to jet?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude, I got you. Yeah, you'll get there. I'm not even worried.

[Brandon Barrera]

We got to get that. Make sure that gate is open. Yeah, there's a gate that got us fenced in out there. I know.

[Chris DiStefano]

I kind of liked my little spot. I wasn't. I wasn't complaining about that.

[Brandon Barrera]

Other. But what do you think? You think you stay in my hotel room tonight?

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm probably just gonna go home.

[Brandon Barrera]

How far is it home for you?

[Chris DiStefano]

Four hours.

[Brandon Barrera]

Really? But you were out all night last night.

[Chris DiStefano]

But we're doing a 5pm show.

[Brandon Barrera]

That is true.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, I could be home by New York. Wednesday. Wednesday. And then I go to Baltimore.

[Brandon Barrera]

Nice.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then I go to France.

[Brandon Barrera]

What's in France?

[Chris DiStefano]

Going skiing with my buddy.

[Brandon Barrera]

Sick, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, just two gay guys going skiing.

[Brandon Barrera]

That's it. Now, are you white or are you Spanish?

[Chris DiStefano]

Hispanic? I am. I'm white, too. Yeah. My mom's from New York originally.

[Brandon Barrera]

And what are your dad's. What?

[Chris DiStefano]

Panamanian.

[Brandon Barrera]

No, I'm kidding. I love shout out Panama, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, shout out Panama.

[Brandon Barrera]

Seriously, dude. Panama. One of the best canals. 100. The best canal Panama. And then. Do they have great bread, too?

[Chris DiStefano]

Do they?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't know what they're known for.

[Brandon Barrera]

You're the Panamanian devil. Devil.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what my mom called my dad when he left.

[Brandon Barrera]

The Panamanian Devil.

[Chris DiStefano]

The Panamanian devil.

[Brandon Barrera]

Nice, dude. Yeah, like, just a tornado of cheating.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that like a.

[Brandon Barrera]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that. Is that like a name? Panamanian.

[Brandon Barrera]

I thought I just created it, but. But I. I guess I'm. I guess I'm a hack, like the comments say.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that was funny. Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Do you have socks on?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

All right, baby, we're good to go. The front row in Tampa didn't have socks on yesterday. It pissed me off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, that guy was in Flip flop.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, we definitely got that.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was. Got the neon hat.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, he was good.

[Brandon Barrera]

It's better. You did it.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, he dressed crazy, but he was a good audience member. The other guy with the fedora, the Chris Estefano guy, was too serious and he dressed nice. Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

This just so you know, this because it's the same size as Tampa. Tampa theater is set up so well, though. Like, the acoustics of it are so well. This is more of like a warehouse. So it might not feel the. The jokes will be just obviously as funny, but when the people laugh, it might not. You might not feel it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's not going to hug you.

[Brandon Barrera]

It doesn't. It doesn't do that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Here. It might. It might. I'm not going to say no, but acoustically, typically, that just doesn't. Tampa theater is like a. You really hear and feel the laughs in those old beaten in theaters.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

So tonight it's just wide, so don't get spooked.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

If you. I mean, but it might not.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I'll say when I bomb.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I'll just completely. I'll completely bomb. Bring you up and I'll go. Yeah, just so wide. It's just a warehouse.

[Brandon Barrera]

Whose phone is that? Is that my dad's phone? Okay. I realized when I was like, I.

[Chris DiStefano]

Didn'T want to miss if she was, like, trying to get me.

[Brandon Barrera]

Dude, how about this? We fucking. We dropped the rental car off. Yeah, right. Brandon's nice enough to meet us at the rental car place. We dropped the rental car off. Steve's out of the car. He's got his bags, everything out of the car, Right. I say, let me just go around to the driver's seat. Steve was driving. Let me just go around to the driver's seat and just make sure that, you know, I turn the car off, that the key is in the cup holder, whatever. He. I see his wallet, Steve's full wallet in a little, like, compartment in the glove box. And Steve's just standing there waiting. I was like, steve, you have everything. He goes, dude, I have everything. I was like, that's amazing that you have everything. And. And I was like. I was like, I just saved your life. He was like, what do you mean? And then I just showed him his wallet. Because you would have had not. You would have not remembered it until we got to the hotel, right? Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, when I'm like, well, you know what I think of the.

[Brandon Barrera]

The digital id. Oh, right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Could have just scanned my face. Oh, you have a digital id?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, yeah, Delta. I got the Delta. The Delta digital ID is the best thing ever. You really need anything, dude. You can just walk on the flight naked. Really? They have your info?

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, that's crazy easy because I think you have to have a real ID by May, right? Or something like that.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Do you have a real id? Yep. How do you get the real id? What do we have to do?

[Chris DiStefano]

You gotta go to the dmv.

[Brandon Barrera]

So you just took a day and went to the DMV and did it. And like, what paperwork do you have to bring?

[Chris DiStefano]

Probably your Social Security card. I had my passport at the time, so I use that piece of mail.

[Brandon Barrera]

Right. And. But you really only need it for the airport. Yeah, like, because if you don't. And, but, but if I have my passport, it's just I have to bring my passport with me, which I have on me all the time anyway. Yeah, I have my passport with me right now. You guys want to see it? You want some Caesars? That's salad. The pizza from Orlando is good, but that salad that we got was truly. No, it's truly atrocious.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, bad.

[Brandon Barrera]

It's truly atrocious. It's like somebody made a salad and put my kids lunchables on top of it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Really?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Even. You know how I knew it was bad? Even Tampa Tony took a bite and put it back.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, this looks bad. The lettuce is, like, browning.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yes. The old Orlando chef salad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jesus.

[Brandon Barrera]

That. The Orlando chef is fancy chef from your mom's House. You ever seen that bit? The Fancy Chef from your mom's house? One of the greatest bits of all time. Segura's bit. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fancy Chef.

[Brandon Barrera]

Fancy Chef.

[Chris DiStefano]

Never seen it.

[Brandon Barrera]

Hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Go Google. Ymh. Fancy Chef bit. Amazing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is it a character he does?

[Brandon Barrera]

No, Fancy Chef is a real, actual chef.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, really?

[Brandon Barrera]

That they. Tom found.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

And, you know, flew into Austin and had them cook, and the food is atrocious. But Fancy Chef, he's like, you know, just a cool black dude from New York. So he's like, this shit is crazy. You know, it's amazing. And John's like, yes, it is. It is. Yes, it is. But it's brutal. You gotta watch it. It's. It's one of the best.

[Chris DiStefano]

He never calls it out and says, no, no.

[Brandon Barrera]

Whole thing is like, I. I roll with it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

I. I'm like, you. You. You know. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he's able to eat the whole meal?

[Brandon Barrera]

No, he takes a few bites. He's like, I'm not hungry.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

Fancy Chef has no idea. Yeah. He's like. I said, you know what's great about Segura? You know, I really kind of feel like Segura is like. Like, what? Howard Stern was like. Howard Stone, like, the whack pack.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

You know, and it's not that. You know, things change. Howard Stern's on Sirius now, so things are a little different. But, like, Howard Stern's still great, obviously. But it's. It's like that whack pack energy of, like, the 90s. I feel like Tom has that now. He does that.

[Chris DiStefano]

You ever see the video of Stern bringing on, like, all these girls? I can, like, queef.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's like, who could have the most queefs in a minute?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Or the tiny dick competition.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, dude. I did Howard Stern a year and a half ago, and they had me, you know, talk to them. And then we had a bit at the end to, like, guess this guy's fetish. Guess this guy's fetish. We had to ask all these questions and do all these things, and that turned out. I forgot. I think Robin was able to win who. Who it was, what the fetish was. But the guy's fetish was he nails his dick and balls to a wall, and that's the way he comes. What? Yes. He takes the skin, like, the loose skin of his scrotum and his penis, and he nails it to a wall, and that's how he can come.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jesus.

[Brandon Barrera]

Right? Yummy.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's. Where's my hammer?

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah. Oh, My God. He said the. All the process of the pain and the bleeding and the sewing himself up is all part of the. The sex for him.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's all part of the climax, what it is.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Good for him.

[Brandon Barrera]

My God. Imagine him like just jizzing all over a Home Depot dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, just in the tool section.

[Brandon Barrera]

Here we go. Here we go, folks. 505. Show starting in 10 minutes. Welcome to Chrissy's afternoon show in Orlando. Let's do crack. Okay. You know me, I've always told you I don't really understand some of these other types of sites because, you know, my dad was always telling me, like, don't, don't run your money on. On. On sports. He got in trouble with that. But prize tax picks makes it so simple, so easy, and it allows me to have a lot of fun. For example, with prize picks, you can have players from different sports going up against each other to try and win money. You can mix and match player projections, like I said, from different sports, combine your favorite baseball players with players from basketball, hockey, football, whatever you want to do, and it makes it fun. Like the other day, this was the pick. I wrote this down, prize picks. 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I can't wait to do the show there in Garden City. Friday, April 4, and then take a picky wiki with the Boise State capital. And then April 10th, we're going to be in Houston. You know, I know a guy in Houston. We're going to be at the Houston Punchline. I've ever been to that club, but I've heard It's great. April 11, Moon Tower Comedy Festival. I'm doing the Paramount Theater, so come out. April 11th. April 12th, the Texas Theater in Dallas, Texas. I Hope I get JFK'd. And then April 24th, New Haven, Connecticut, college street music Hall. My second time going back there. I love it. Somebody please hit me with a Pepe's pizza. And then April 25th, the best name venue in the country, the A. Albany, New York, another state capital. Those are my April dates. April showers bring May flowers. I'M going to tell you my May dates later, but ChrisDComedy.com for Tikiwikis come through. And you know me, bro, the whole front row is getting kissed softly on the butt cheeks. How you doing? Sorry I went the wrong way. Give it up for Brandon Barrera, huh? Yes. Give it up for a man. I'm happy he's here doing this. He was doing cocaine and Tampa last night. Sorry. Yes. Welcome to the show. These people just Woke up. Nice 5 o'clock show in Orlando. Here's the thing is, I thought, you know, my career was going up, and then I showed up. I spoke to my agent this morning and he was like, hey, just remember, the show's at 5:00 today. I was like, what? He was like, yeah, it's at 5. And I was like, okay, that's probably not good. And then, you know, it's never a good sign for your career when you're performing in a venue that's next to an Old Navy. That's. That's not good. That's typically not what you want. 5:00 in a parking lot by the Old Navy. That's usually. You gotta be like, all right, let's take a step back. But this is a really nice venue. You know, I'm really, I'm happy for the people of Orlando who came out. Who. You know, you guys probably haven't seen daylight in years. I mean, who. This is crazy that you people are here. I feel like the people who are. If you're here on a night like this, it's, you know, you are just. Either you're still up and on cocaine from last night or you're like, you know, sober AA like you. You are just like, hey, man, yeah, 5:00 works for me. So this way I can be home by 7:30 and I won't be tempted to do ketamine out of someone's asshole again. This guy, Big pimpin coming in. Good for you, dude. He's got Indian. Indian guy, dude. Fucking. I love you, sir. Shout out. India, what a nation. Good country. Indian. Listen, you know, I love Indian people. I think you're the top race. I really do. I think you are the top. You are a top. That was a nice joke. I like that. I like that. What'd you say? What am I doing after the show? Well, I was gonna fly back to Newark, but I guess can you. Can I take a ride there in your cab to the airport and. So sorry, no joke. Was for the older folk that was hacked. That was Hacky. Sorry, but yes, sir. I like your ponytail and so don't be fooled by the tail. I'm not, dude. Oh my God. I like you, man. You just look dirty and I like. Good for you, but thank you, dude. You know, they said it was sold out. Where are these people? These people better be dead in a bus accident. And you're sitting here alone. Nice, dude. Well, I'll stay away from you. And I'm just. Oh, and you're alone. Look at that. How about that? Do you want to play a little matchmaker? Do you want to sit together? Come on. Are you happy with where you are? She doesn't think you're attractive. I'm sorry, sir. She said no, sir. Unfortunately, I. I would. I wanted to play a little. And you're also alone. That's. Huh. You're single. Okay, well, no one's talking to you. And no. Do you want to sit by him? You can. Hey, come on. Come on. Hey, sir, you want to get hpv? Let's go. I'm joking. I'm joking. No, sit wherever you want if you want. He's here. He's got his legs spread open. He's got his full prostate out. Beautiful. Very beautiful. And yeah, so. But look at this. We're here. I'm just. Honestly, dude, I'm happy to be out of Tampa. No, I do like it, but it's. I mean, what a city, man. It gets wild. But this is good, you know? I like Orlando, baby. You know what? We got a lot of here. My favorite thing, Puerto Ricans. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Yes. That's. We do have extra security. Okay. I know. He got a little nervous. He was like, oh, I don't have my wallet. You're right, dude. Every time you, you laugh, you flex your pecs a little bit. You good? Yeah. You know, look at this, dude. What are you gonna do after the show? It's gonna be 6:00. Some of you guys are going to work from this show. How great is this? A five o'clock. I'm the pregame. I'm Chrissy. Pri comes. You know, nobody goes out. That's the thing too. That's what I love about Florida and Orlando. I was like, oh, this will be good. Because sometimes I'll do shows on Saturday nights and we'll start the show at 8 and everyone will be drunk. I'm like, at least this time if I start a little earlier, no one will be drunk. And you are fucking heavy. You people started drinking at 10am you were like, yes. There it is. Welcome to Florida. I love it. I like it. I like what it's about, man. It's fun. Dude, you know, you're here alone, you don't give a shit. Were you supposed to come with someone or you just bought a solo. Your cousin gave you the ticket and didn't show up. Your cousin wanted to ruin your afternoon, but go watch Chris, did you kill your cousin and eat him because you're on bath salts? Okay, why didn't your cousin come to the show? So where's he? Oh, you're saying your cousin bought the ticket and didn't want to come? Let me tell you something right now. I hate your fucking cousin, okay? Just know that you're my favorite person now in the family. And I hate your cousin, dude. He's a real piece of shit. And you know what? He male molested your sister. He did. And I have proof. And we're gonna do a documentary on it. Thank you. It's very fun for me to do some of these, like, you know, over the top gay jokes and have a black man in the front row, because the black community don't with that. They're like. They're like. That's why people shit. He's like, I. Every time I make a joke, his girl laughs and he goes, goes, nah, nah, nah, nah. I like some of the shit he does, but nah. That's why he has his sunglasses on. He's like, nah, fuck that. I thought I was seeing Andrew Schultz. The fuck? My man. Good for you, sir. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Yeah, dude, this lady's getting closer. Sir, just so you know, this lady, she's starting. You want to just go over there. He's not bald. No, he actually. He's not bald. He's. No, he's a handsome kid. He's wearing Lululemons. Look at how much he's spreading his legs. Do you want to go over there? Do you want to meet her? We call her the Maga Monster. You want to go over there? Sit over there if you want to. There you go. Come on. Go ahead. Yeah, no, you can go. Yeah, sit over there. It's no problem. There it is. There it is, folks. Look at those puppies, huh? Shout out your plastics. Oh, yeah, you could just. Thank you. Yes, yes, that's it. Look at that. Hey, her boobs are speakers. You put them by the pool. Nice. Good. Sit down. You can sit right on his lap. That's it. Yes. There it is. Yeah. All right. Good. Yeah, I think it's beautiful. Wow. You really are. Oh, my God. See? That could have been you, ma'am. Look at that. Are you sure you want to walk back? All right. You done? All right. Well, it was nice. Did it feel nice for you at all? Why not? Okay. Sit down. This is Florida, folks. This. Thank you. Go ahead. Just sit down. I was just fucking around. Thank you. Give it up for Kid Rock. And this is going to.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sorry.

[Brandon Barrera]

Okay. All right. No good. Wow. I could see he's got half a boner through his Lululemons. I really can. Athleisure. Can't hide the woody. That's it. All right. Someone else is gonna get their ass eaten tonight. I can tell you that. Good for you. Okay, Just. Do you sit. Are you actually on fucking fentanyl? What is happening? Okay. I think I made a mistake with you. What? You're a milf. Debatable. I'm kidding. No, you're. I'm joking. No, you are. No, no. Hey. Hey. I was kidding around. I was kidding around. You really are. You are. I'd say, Gil, but. You're kidding. I'm kidding. No. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. 60. Thank you for coming to the show. I really appreciate it. 60 years old. Thank you. Thank you. No, you could sit down. If your boobs can handle it. You could sit down. You could just lean forward. Then boom. Thank you. See, sir, Your wife. Dude, you just fucked things up with your wife. Your cousin should have been here, man. Your cousin would have done the right thing and killed her. Your cousin would have done the right thing and saved this lady. I'm joking. Stop saying, oh, I'm kidding around. She's going, what? What do you think this is a fucking TED Talk? I'm joking around. Jesus Christ. This state is fucking nuts. This state. What'd you say? Welcome to the 5pm Show. Welcome to the 5pm Exactly. Exactly. Everybody crawls out. I like it. He's going, oh, my God. That's nice though. That's nice. Dude. What a show. I gotta be honest with you. I do. I've done thousands of shows in my life. I can already tell you we're only halfway into this one. And I will never forget the show. I promise you. I will never in my life forget this show. Because of this lady. Jesus. My God. Dude. He's definitely married to the Tiger King. Right? Doesn't he feels like she's definitely had. You've definitely had a couple of husbands who have went missing. 100%. Right? Have you. Have you ever been married twice? Yep. Yep. And they both dead. One of Them's dead. Well, what a coinky dink. And never been found. This guy's walking out. He's like, fuck. Well, that's nice, but at least you know you're married. That's nice to see. That's. I like to see that. He's here tonight, my dad. Where's Tampa Tony? He's somewhere over here. There he is. Tampa T. He's here. He was in the show last night. Now he's Tampa T. Don't make him get. Because he'll never. He'll never be able to get back down, I guarantee you. My dad definitely made a comment to his wife about that woman and he got slapped. 100%. All right, I got five minutes before I gotta go. Does anybody have a question? I like to. I've been liking to do this at the end of theaters. Anybody want to talk about anything or a question? Not you, lady. And you've had your fun. You showed the audience your tits. Yes. This woman. Ma'am. You look like such a nice lady. Is it Barbara? What is it? Oh, Moni. Oh, Bonnie. I like that name. Bonnie. Yes. Is this outfit from Old Navy? No, bitch. Zara. Steppa. Old Navy. What does she think, I'm your cousin? Anybody else? Yes. Yes, ma'am. The other lady, what was Geico like? Oh, that was the old show I did on mtv. People just thought you said Geico and car insurance. That was a Fun show on MTV. That was like. I did that. Like 2012-15. That was good. That was a good time. None of us really had any careers back then, so it was good to just really get fucked financially by mtv. It was good to just do all the work for a network and then get paid $80. Excuse me. Exactly, dude. And Zara, look at your boy now. Stepped up God called. I was Old Navy. Now I'm Zara. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. I can just tell by your voice you have high cholesterol. It's just 1000% true. Anybody else? Yes, this guy right here wants hey, babe coming back. That. I don't know. People always ask me that. I don't know. I'm going to talk to Sal. We'll try to bring it back for you. We'll try. The truth is. Yes, the truth is, you know, Sal's been on the road a lot. You guys see his schedule? And he actually died last year. So Sal, he's actually a hologram like Joe Biden. They use the same company. So Sal is dead in a diaper. Anybody else? Yes, this guy in the glasses, who looks like he has a. What is it? Shut up. I got. And yes. What's. What'd you say? What's. What's my favorite movie? Pretty Woman. I've always wanted to be Julia Roberts for Halloween. Anybody? Yes, sir. Yes, you, ma'am. Oh, sorry. I thought you were a guy, but now. But it's just the lighting. You do look. You're a beautiful woman. If I had to go gay for Sal or Giannis, who would it be? I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say Sal because I'm pretty positive Greeks are not circumcised, so the last thing I need is Giannis's goat dick. So I'd rather. I'd rather take Sal, because I'm pretty sure Sal is actually gay, so I know he'd make love to me. All right, this side. And I gotta go. Yes. Oh, this girl. Yes. Do you speak English? Wait, What? What? Say it again. Say it again. Is this the watch Santino told me to buy? Yeah. No. Yeah. Yes, it is, actually. Yes, it is. But I did steal this watch. But. Yes. Yes, he did. He did. Are you into watches? Nice. Well, you can't have this. All right. Yes. One more. What advice? First of all, I just came. What did you say? The accent was crazy. I was like, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in. I can't. What advice? What? For a Puerto Rican who's dating a Ukrainian? First of all, the way you said Puerto Rican, just know I had a flicker. What advice? I mean, that's a Latina. And is the Ukrainian here? Is he at the. Is he at war? I would. You know what? I would honestly say. I would. Would tell your Ukrainian boyfriend that he's safer fighting the Russians than he is with you. That's what I would say. I think he'd have a better chance of surviving Vladimir Putin than you Miss Julieta, so. All right. All right, guys. Did you guys have fun? Yeah. You have fun, sir? This is it, dude. See? Everybody loves me. All right, guys. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. Get. Have a good afternoon. Get home safe. Have fun. Ukraine, Puerto Rico. I really appreciate Orlando. Give it up for Tampa. Tony, one more time. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. Thank you. And Brandon Barrera. That's it. Let's see if we can catch this fight. All right. Thanks, guys. Lu. We ended on Saturday. Something good?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that was great.

[Brandon Barrera]

That was a good. That was perfect to close it. Yeah. Get out of here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Good, dude.

[Brandon Barrera]

Thank you, dude. All right. Walking right out. Right to the car at 6:22. Pizza. Are you gonna take the pizza? Come on, move it, move it. Let's go. Pizza. All right, we're good, right? Yep. Come on, Stevie. All right. What about the check, Steve? They gonna wire it? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Have a good night. Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll be back. I'll be back.

[Brandon Barrera]

Yeah, he's coming back. He just went to the side and said no exit. He doesn't give a. Let's see. Let's see if Brandon's mom's Mazda can get us to the airport on time. He. I'll put in the back seat. Here he is. Oh, we'll see what happens. We'll see if I can get to the airport. I'm gonna have to kill one of the fans to get to the show. I'm gonna have to drive over one of the fans. One of these fans gonna have to sacrifice their body so I can get to Newark Airport on time. Thank you so much. Yeah, man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Brandon Barrera]

See you soon.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right.

[Brandon Barrera]

All right, here we go. Every Tuesday, 8pm Eastern time. That's the new time. Christycomedy.com. we're going to the airport. I love you. Love you, too. Thank you. I'm gonna have to kill one of you to get to the airport. Made it, folks. Skin in my teeth. We did it. Good job, Orlando. Happy five o'clock show.