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- [00:01]
Chris DiStefano
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- [00:30]
Colin Quinn
You need to figure it out. My dog's gonna die. And I was like, okay, all right. I was like, we could do this. She was like, jeff said, you're smart. You just took the board. You're smart. I was like, yeah, but I did it on humans as a physical therapist. I was like, should I massage the turtle? Maybe if we stretch out the hamstrings of the dog. So I'm in the backyard. This is 100% true story. Look at us, babe. Welcome to Sunday night standups with Chrissy. Or Sunday night chaos, whatever you want to call it. We're here in the beautiful West Village. It just rained, washed away the pigeon poop and the homeless poop. And then here's this truck that's going to drive right into me. And the last words will be Patreon. I'm going to say patreon.com history hyenas. I think everyone should just go to the patreon.com history hyenAs. Patreon.com Christy Comedy. We don't really put too much up they anymore because I'm trying to do less and just make it better. I'm about quality, not quantity. What we're going to try to also do in tonight's episode is be in the next few weeks is be Chrissy Clean's. I want to see if I can do clean. I've never really tried it. I mean, some of my stuff is not like that dirty. But I do say a lot of unnecessary f bombs. And I do kind of want my mom and family to be proud of my comedy. And I just feel like they're not. I just feel like it's not for them. So I'm kind of just trying to do something that doesn't involve making fun of Puerto Ricans or saying my dad thinks I'm gay, even though my dad does think I'm gay. And I do love Puerto Ricans, but I'm trying to just be Chrissy Clean. And by the way, and not change the fabric of who I am. Because at the end of the day, I am a gay man that loves Puerto Ricans. Chris, stop doing that. You just said you weren't going to do it. But don't curse. I'm going to try not to curse. So I have some Chrissy clean material, but I think that I want to try. It may be like, I have to do some crowd work. It may just be some fishing for stuff. It may be some Chrissy bombs. But I'm committed to doing this, and I know it's going to be harder, but I want to just try to start to do things that are, hey, you know, even if it doesn't get the views, it's kind of what I want to do, and I want to just be higher quality and not quantity. So hopefully come along in the journey with me. And by the way, shout out to the compliments I've gotten on my Mets jacket. Thank you. I. It's. It's made by Levi's, which is. It's kind of like. It's one of these jackets that even if it didn't have the Mets logo on it, I would still wear it. And everyone's like, I thought you were a Yankee fan. Well, I thought. I thought you weren't an asshole. I just cursed again. So I thought you weren't a butthole. This has been, hey, babe, I was trying the pot. I was trying to do it in the comedy cellar and all that, but I feel like a bit of a pariah, if I'm being honest with you, to my peers. I feel a little bit like, you know, the comics back, why you got the camera out? And it's like, what am I? Documentary filmmaker? Who am I? Morgan Spurlock? I think he's dead. And it's like, I don't want to do any of that. I'm standing in a corner in my own little corner here down on Mineta street in the West Village, and I like just doing it this way. And I'm going to try. We're going to. We got some bits that we're going to try. We'll see how they do on stage. But I mean. Oh, there's one thing here, let me try this now. So I'm going to do Ari Shapir storytelling show. So I got to do. I want to try to practice that story. So I'm going to try to make that a long story on stage, and we'll see what happens with it. And we'll see, because I'm trying to get it good for Ari's storytelling show, which he told me Specifically, don't tell that story anywhere else but my show. And I just told it right here on Sunday night stand ups with Chrissy, because that's what you come on my YouTube for. So tell all your friends. All right, let's see. Let's see what bombs and what doesn't. Welcome for Chris DiStefano. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, sorry. Mr. Nick Griffin. Right? The best. Look at you guys. All right. Yes. Thank you. You know, coming in for the man of the hour cq. And yeah, it's lent. You know, I have a religious mother, so I promised her that I would just be clean in my comedy for the next six weeks. I swear. So every joke is just somewhat clean, and I haven't been going well, and I'm just clean with my comedy. You can still go get a massage, you know, but it's. Look, you know, you have fun. I have. I got a family now. I got a stepson. It's one of. I mean, I love him, but it's like. I mean, his kid got thrown off the pole vaulting team. I'm like, how do you get thrown? That's just one you sign up for. How did you get thrown off the pole vaulting team? And, you know, but it's just. What is. I mean, it's not my kid, so it's just. I don't know what to tell you, but it's. It's what it is. I. You know, I was thinking about. Somebody asked me because what I used to do. What did I used to do before comedy? And I was a physical therapist. That was my job. Yeah, physical therapist. And I remember. This is true. Day one, this is my life. Day one of my first physical therapy job ever. I worked at this orthopedic place out on Long Island. Day one, my boss, real grease ball, you know, he was like a physical therapist. Like, he got his degree 30 years ago when, like, he could just take a class on, you know, like, you didn't even have to get a degree. Like, I had to get a doctorate degree. This guy just went to, like, DeVry or something. They just gave it to him. Real grease monkeys, just using it for money. And so he goes, day one, he's like, are you the new guy? I was like, yeah. He goes, listen, I got a situation at my house, so I need you to go take care of that situation. I was like, I'm here to do physical therapy. I have a license. He was like, just go to my house. Just go. He goes, my wife says she'll tell you what to do. So I was like, okay. So I get there, and the wife is hysterical. She's like, are you the guy Jeff said? I'm like, yes, I'm a physical therapist. My first day. And she was like, okay. She was like, come in the yard. So I go in the yard. They had a turtle, right? This huge turtle, like a giant Galapagos island tortoise, and a dog. And the dog, for some reason, went to go bite the turtle's head. And the turtle put its head back in the shell and took the dog's snout with it. So now the dog's snout is stuck in the turtle shell. And she goes, can you figure it out? And I was like, I could give it a. I don't know what to do. Should maybe have we tried calming music? I don't know how to help. I'm 26 years old, and I'm just realizing, your husband's a criminal. I don't know what to do. And she goes, you have to. She goes, my dog. My dog, it's dying. And you could feel. It's like breathing is labored. So I'm looking around the yard, and I see a stick. And so I say, okay, here's what I'm thinking in my head. I'm like, just, you know, use sign. Come on, Chris. You know science. You know what to do. Leverage. So I'm like, I'm going to stick this stick. I'm going to put it inside the turtle shell, and I'm going to try to poke the turtle's head, and that will release the dog snout. It's not working. So then I say, all right, maybe I can shake it. It's got a shell. It won't hurt it. Let me hit this shell. Let me hit the turtle on the back. And maybe the vibrations through the shell will cause, you know, some type of earthquake in the turtle body, and this will work. And so I'm banging this shell, and now she's yelling at me. She's like, you're gonna kill my turtle. And I'm like, I don't know what to do, lady. I'm sure your name's Janet or something. I don't know what the hell to do. So I'm literally pacing, and I'm like, what am I supposed to do here? So I go around. I'm looking. I'm like, pete, look at. And I notice that the turtle's laying on its stomach and its butthole is out. So I got the stick and I got the butt. And I said, I know what Would make me jump. So I take the stick and I maneuver it into the turtle's butt. Yes. In a second, the turtle shot both its arms and its legs out, popped its head out, and the dog ran. The dog got freed and in a startle, ran across the street. Got hit by a car. Yes, fully hit by a car. So now I don't know what to do. Janet, or whatever her name is just screaming at me. I have. There's no. My phone isn't working. So I said, I don't know what to do. I am a licensed physical therapist. This dog has a broken leg. I can fix it. So I say I put the dog in the back seat of my Toyota Corolla, and I drive back to the office holding the dog. And the boss, Jeff, is like, you figure it out. You saved my dog. I said, kind of. I said, I did figure out the mechanics of the turtle and what to do, but the dog got hit by a car. And he goes, what are you talking about? He said, the dog got hit by a car, but we're physical therapists. We could fix it. And I checked into work at 9am I got back with the dog at 11:30am with a broken leg. Fired on the spot. So I got fired on the spot, Give the guy the dog. Fully fired. So I was like, fully fired. So I go home, right? Whole thing. He calls me up, he goes, come back to work tomorrow. My wife said, I overreacted. You're really a good kid. You tried. Come back to work. I said, all right, I'll come back. Come back. Very first patient of day two at this guy's office, this lawyer comes in, you know, real kind of another grease ball kind of lawyer. And he goes, this is Tim. And I go, okay. And this is like, 2012. He goes, now he's one of Donald Trump's lawyers. And this is years before Trump becomes president. He goes, one of Trump's lawyers, okay. He goes, he's having back pain. So I'm, like, doing all the tests. You got to reproduce back pain. And he goes, I can't figure it out. And so my boss says, is something you want to tell us, Tim? He goes, all right. He goes, could it be this? And then he pulls down his pants, and he has every STD I've ever learned about in my life, just raging there. And he says, I've been having sex with prostitutes and paying extra to do it. No condom. So the problem is, I got a wife and kids, though, and they can't find out. So I was like, yeah, you know, I agree. They can't find out. I was like, so? But I don't know what to do. Like, I can't. You know, I was like, I could put a stick in your butt. That's kind of what I'm good at. So then. So then. So then Tim says to me, he goes, how about I give you ten grand right now and you put the medication in your name? Because my wife checks our mail and she would know. Put the medication in your name. You sign all the papers, I'll give you ten grand. And then you just meet up with me and give me the medication. And I was like, well, that's fraud. I can't. I've only been a physical therapist for two days. And the guy Jeff goes, you gonna do it or not? And I was like, no, I'm not gonna do it. And he goes, you're fired. And so I got fired on the second day. Two days in a row, I got fired. And, you know, again, I've told you I'm working out this clean stuff, and obviously that doesn't have an ending yet, but I just thought I'd share it with you. I thought I'd share a will. It arguably get better? But yeah, that's my physical therapy life. And, you know. And Jeff, you know, Jeff guys are proud to know. And I'm sure you've figured out by now is dead. Of course, dude. You're not gonna live long and live it like that. He was actually murdered. I swear. He was, like, murdered in, like, a bar out in Syosset. So that's what happens. Okay, well, all right, guys. Well, that's enough of my clean bs. So this guy coming to the stage, you know him, you love him. That's why you're here. Colin Quinn, everybody, from Bay Ridge. Oh, the dumber you are, the better they like it. Very true. You know what? We tried that story we're gonna try with Ari. I think it's got some legs, but as you can see, the shit just tapers off. I started the set with an old bit, so we'll put all that in. Well, I'll start the set with an older bit that's on my Hulu special just to get the cr. Sometimes that's like, what I like to do is I'll do an old. If I'm trying new stuff, I'll start it with an old bit to get a laugh and then get the crown going with me. And I had them and then I completely lost them. But that's what happens when you Try something for the first time. It's just a process, or as the English say, a process. So. But I think overall, the stick in the butt thing works. And it was squeaky clean, right? Did I curse at all? Would you consider that clean? Oh, yeah.
- [13:08]
Nick Griffin
You didn't even say, yes, sir.
- [13:09]
Colin Quinn
You said, yeah, I said butthole. Honestly, dude, clean. And what Colin was saying. Because, you know, we don't want to film anything with Colin. What Colin was saying, though, in the green room before, he was like, you got to challenge yourself like that. That's how you get better at this. You challenge yourself. And. And I got to be honest, though, dude, because I'm wearing a sweatshirt and a jacket and a T shirt. I am sweating. My back is soaked because I started to bomb a little bit in there because I just don't have an ending at all. I have zero endings for any of that stuff. So you kind of just kind of try to figure it out, and sometimes you just can't figure it out. But what I'll do is on the next two spots I have tonight, I'll just do that story and see what happens. We'll just see. You know, it was a. Because here's the thing, too. Sometimes you try something new for the first time, and it does well, and you're like, oh, I got a new bit. And then you try it again the second or third time, and they just start to bomb because the magic of the newness is gone. Let's go get a massage from an Asian. There's something. There's something, too, I want to do where it's like. There's something funny about, like, the kind of block I want to live on is a block where, like, your neighbors get mad at you if you park your car in front of their house. You know what I mean? Like, those kinds of blocks where, like, even though it's public property, a guy will come out. But this guy parking in front of my house, even though it's like New York City public streets, there's some. That's the kind of neighborhood I want to raise my kids. And it's safety there where they're like. You know, where they're like, listen, we're all about freedom of speech, but you come do a protest on my block, we're just going to have our guns on our lap, like something like that. You know what I mean? But I just. There was a guy. I parked in front. I parked in front of a guy's house on this block in Middle Village the other day, and he comes out and he's like, what are you doing? How long are you staying? And I was like, oh, I was just. I was just going to park here. I got to pick up my kid from the babysitter. He's like, all right, just a few minutes. And I was like, all right. I mean, it's a public street, but obviously I wouldn't say that, but it's one of those things that made me feel like. I immediately got in the car and I went on Zillow, and I was like, how close can I live to this guy? Because I know that this guy, if he sees somebody in the neighborhood that looks like they don't belong, he's gonna come out and say something. And I like that. I respect that. There's something about that kind of guy. Like the people, when you have kids, the people that you perceive as racist might be. And, And. And whatever race they're racist against, as long as you're not that race, you should live amongst them. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, if you're. If you. If you're the black guy, if you're the old school black guy that fucking hates white people and you're black, you should live next to that black guy, because that guy will protect. We've gotten a little too far. We've gotten far away now from the, like, oh. All live in harmony. That's not the way it's supposed to work. It's like, you want to live. You want. If you have kids, you want to live amongst racists. That's who. I'm not saying you want to subscribe to their beliefs. I'm just saying you want to live amongst racists. Is this going to make the show? I'm just working it out. I'm trying to sound it out. It's not coming out right. What I'm saying is I love racists for the wrong reasons. I'm saying. What I'm saying is, is I don't want my kids to think like that. I want my kids to love everyone. But all I'm saying is the old racist guy, whatever race he is, it's not the worst thing in the world because he. As long as your kids aren't the race he hates, he's gonna protect you. Like, when the Mafia was around, it wasn't. It has its problems, but there wasn't much crime in those areas. Because it committed a crime, you had trouble. What I'm saying is a little bit of criminality is not the worst thing. Shut the camera off. The stepson pole vaulting bit. I did it. Just what is fun? What's funny about him getting thrown off the pole vaulting team? It's just funny that he did, like.
- [16:58]
Nick Griffin
I like saying, like, you know, that's something that you sign up for.
- [17:01]
Colin Quinn
I mean, it's true. The kid signed up for it and he got thrown off. And I. And I called the principal of this high school. I said, has anyone seen the principal for 35 years? I said, has anyone ever got thrown off the pole vaulting team? He goes, not to my knowledge.
- [17:12]
Nick Griffin
So he's volunteer only. That's what I was saying.
- [17:14]
Colin Quinn
I know. He was like, we're actually asking kids. He goes, here's how bad it is. There's a kid in a wheelchair on the pole vaulting team. You know, even though I'm working on clean, if you think if I do that bit about the statue of David in Florence and I say how it had an uncircumcised penis and balls, is that clean or. You can't really talk about penis and uncircumcised penis and testicles, could that count as clean or not really? Yeah.
- [17:40]
Nick Griffin
I don't know. I guess the content itself is mature in nature.
- [17:45]
Colin Quinn
God, being clean is hard. I've been wanting to talk about the thirteen colonies more about, like, just how I want to go, how I wish we would go back to that, but I don't have. It's almost like I'm digging into a bit and then I give myself anxiety about trying to find the punchline and I just give up. And everyone's process is different. Like, I've realized over these years, like, I don't sit down and write. I have to, like, talk it out. Like the boiled water bit with my dad. I know I've been doing a lot on stage, but that's clean. That's a clean bit. Yeah, yeah. Almond butter, dude. I mean, I got bits here about Juan Soto and then what do you think? I did a bit about the U.S. open. About the U.S. open. Like, about how when I worked there, remember? And like. And that was last summer, and that bit kind of got a couple of million views. And I guess even though it's not on special, it's like, if a bit went even semi viral, you can't do it anymore, right? You just. I don't know. What do you think?
- [18:45]
Nick Griffin
I don't think so. I mean, because I think there's still. Despite it going viral, there's still, you know, that many million plus government, you know that.
- [18:52]
Colin Quinn
And then who knows? You keep Saying it and maybe make it better. I'm gonna put that in the US Open bit.
- [18:57]
Nick Griffin
Yeah, because my favorite part is that I like when you hear like the individual words started to fit where they need to go, right?
- [19:05]
Colin Quinn
Yeah, because we push one word, we'll.
- [19:07]
Nick Griffin
Make a joke hit.
- [19:08]
Colin Quinn
Well, because we posted that bit and that was like one of the first or second times I ever told it and it just kind of took off. So it's like do it. All right, so, so what I'm going to do down there, I'm going to do the turtle bit and I'm going to do the US Open bit. And you know what I'm also going to do too? I'm going to do a little crowd work. But you here you won't probably be able to get the crowd, but in the other one you'll probably be able to get the crowd if you can maneuver it right. But here you can't because you got to stand in the back.
- [19:30]
Nick Griffin
This is the one where I'm on the steps.
- [19:33]
Colin Quinn
This one is when you walk in and you go to the left and you're in the back. So film me from the side. But you might be able to get somebody. Yeah.
- [19:40]
Nick Griffin
Are you in that main room at all? Is that your last spot in the bigger room?
- [19:44]
Colin Quinn
No. Let me see. I'll tell you right now. Yes, I actually am. I'm in the big, big room downstairs. Village underground. And then this one down here is McDougal Street. This is like the legendary one comedy seller, you know, the good one.
- [19:59]
Eric Newman
Talk to you about the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand. It's neutral. Neutral. I have a couple of friends that have been using it and their hair is looking good. Neutropol's hair growth supplements are physician formulated using 100% drug free ingredients. That's right. No drugs to me. I'm clean. Drug free. Neutropol. Their patented technology provides consistent, reliable results. Men also reported no compromise in sexual performance. Neutrophil. Start your hair growth journey with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com men and enter the promo code CHAOS. Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair. Neutr fall.com men that's n r a f o l.com men promo code CHAOS that's neutropol.com men promo code CHAZ 4 I'm coming to Boise, Idaho, baby.
- [21:16]
Colin Quinn
Well, it's Garden city, but it's the.
- [21:18]
Eric Newman
Boise area and it's going to be fun. I'm Chrissy. Capitals shows almost sold out. Go to ChrisD comedy.com for ticky wikis. And then April 24th, College Street Music Hall, New Haven, Connecticut. And April 25th, the Egg in Albany. We had to move April 10th, 11th, and 12th in Houston, Austin, and Dallas because it is my daughter's daddy daughter dance. Friday, April 11th. So your boy gotta be there. But we will make it up to you, Texas.
- [21:42]
Colin Quinn
And I'm coming. I love you.
- [21:44]
Eric Newman
It's not a cold sore.
- [21:45]
Colin Quinn
Guys, we're down to our final comic of the night. What do you think? We're ready for one more comic. That was pretty good. But I mean, ready for our final gu. This dude's truly one of the best. On September 11, he will be headlining Madison square Garden. Start clapping for Chris DiStefano. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Eric Newman, everybody. Huh? Eric Newman. Handsome guy, a lot of back hair. Normally, I don't like a guy with back hair, but Eric's that handsome guy that's just got a lot of back hair and there's nothing he can do about it. And you just run your fingers through it and you see what happens. You know what I mean? And, yeah. So I'm here. Got a few minutes down here. I promised my mom I would do only clean comedy for Lent. So we got another few weeks. And I've just been bombing like you can't imagine. Because I want to curse so bad and talk about, you know, sexualized things, because that's just what I do. And I just can't because I promised my mom I wouldn't. So it's just be prepared to just watch me start to sweat. Cause I just haven't figured out clean comedy yet. But I'm trying. Mom, she's asleep. All right, well, here it goes. So listen, here's. I have a family, right? And I have a stepson. Thank you. And everybody else just got abortions. And that's not really clean. Sorry, Mom. And you can't talk about killing babies. So I used to work at the US Open tennis center. And that was a fun job. Cause I'm from Queens. You could tell by my. This is. Yeah, look at this, Jack. By the way, look at this jacket. I feel like this is. Anybody who works for ice also has this jacket, right? Just if you're wearing a Mets jacket a week before opening day, you also moonlight for ice and you don't have A passport and. No, do you. You're good. Okay. Just got serious. Scan it. And by the end, this jacket, this haircut, they want me. They want. I am Chrissy Ice. And so it was fun because I worked at, you know, US Open Tennis center, right? And that was like, my summer job. Like, me and the kids who I grew up with, summer job, you know, whatever city kids. And, you know, it's fun because, like, we don't. You don't know anything about tennis. Growing up in. Especially us. Like, we grew up in apartments. Like, that's a rich kid sport. We don't have the land in New York. We don't know anything. And it's like every other major tennis thing. Like, you know, the Wimbledon, the Australian Open, the French Open. It's all, like, the elite people of society. It's their kids that get the honor of working at these events. But, like, not the US Open. It's just dirt bags from Queens. Nobody. Like, we just filled out a job app, and we don't even know the sport at all. You know, when they're, like, volleying the ball back and forth, you have to be quiet. I didn't know that at all. My job was to stock up. You know, they put me in charge. Like, I stock things up. I just put. I stocked up the fridges and they. And they have, like, these little mini fridges on the court. And I just didn't know. Like, they're playing in match, and I'm just walking in while they're volleying, and I'm just. I just dropped a case of Powerade right on the court, and the guy hit the net. It's like a US Open sanction match. And he took the ball and he screamed at me, and he rifled a tennis ball at my head. And I was gonna, like, charge him. Like, I. Cause I'm just like, you know, dude, you hit a ball at me, I'm gonna punch you in the face. And I have anger issues. My dad left, and he told me that he was boiling water, and I. I'm about to be the egg right now. And so. And so. Because, you know, I didn't fit in in this crew. Like, I don't respect you. You play tennis. I don't care. You' like, look at your shorts and your socks. You suck. I hate this. Unless you gotta play baseball, basketball, or football for me to respect you. I don't think you're a real athlete. And what. Cause you're from Belgium? Shut up and make me a waffle. I don't Care about you at all. You have zero respect for me. You know, you have an accent. America's number one. And so I don't care at all. We're number one. I work for ice. And so I just couldn't care less. And so. And it's. The thing is, people lie, okay? Everybody's kind of a liar. And you realize that when you're from the city, when I'm from New York, it's like you can just sniff it out. It's like, I'm doing a match, right? I'm US Open, I'm working, and I see a judge and umpire doing the. And I said, I've seen this guy. I've definitely seen this guy before. And umpire listen to any. And he's got the accent, you know, British accent. He's going, you know, 40 love, 30 love. And I'm saying, I feel like I've seen this guy. I just. I'm like, maybe I must have seen him on tv. Maybe he's famous. And then I'm like, stocking the. You know what I do? I'm stalking the power rates in the cooler while they're playing points, like, doing it the wrong way. And then he's going, you know, game love. And I'm saying, I feel like I think I've seen this guy. And then I said, do I know you? He was like, oh, I don't know. Possibly. And then he winked at me. And I was like, what the hell was that? Why does this guy wink at me? And then at the. And then I said, I've seen this guy at a bar in Queens. I've seen this guy at O'Neill's Bar in Massmith, Queens. It's, like, right by my house. I know this guy. And then the match is over. This is. Again, this guy was full British saxophone the whole time. He steps off his chair and he goes, yeah, my name's Ralph. I saw you at the bar. And I said, I knew it, you piece of shit. I said, I'm sorry, you piece of poopy. You were faking the. He's like, that's what the people want, Chris. That's what they want. I was like, oh, it's a lie. Everything is a lie. Ellen DeGeneres is not a good person. That's. You know, my mom is like, I love Ellen. I'm like, you don't understand. And I've never met Ellen, but I do look like her. And, you know, dude, my first day, I was a physical therapist before I did comedy. And it's Fun. That's a. You want to talk about a disappointment? It's like, you know, I was a fully licensed physical therapist. They make you get a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist. Like, you're not a real doctor. But my mother, you know, she thought I was. She's like, he's a doctor. I'm like, I went to Nassau Community College, so I'm a Mets fan. And so. But. So day one. How crazy is this? Day one, physical therapy, okay? I pass my boards. I am a fully full blown licensed physical therapist. Day one, I go to my new job, orthopedic office out in Long Island. This guy Jeff, right, Real grease ball. I could tell that this guy was a criminal. And he was just a physical therapist. It was a money laundering scheme. He was just a real grease monkey. And so. And so I could feel that right away. So, Dave, I'm there for 10 minutes. He goes, you the new guy? I was like, yeah, you hired me. You told me to come in today. He was like, we got a situation at my house. I was like, oh, okay. Do you want me to stay here? And, like, I don't know what to do necessarily, but I'll treat the patients. He's like, no, I need you to go to my house. And I was like, oh, all right. He goes, just use, you know. He was like, you just took the board. You're still smart. I was like, yeah, yeah, I guess. He goes, all right, so just go to my house. He goes, my wife's gonna tell you what to do. So I was like, okay. So I get there, his wife is like, you know, from like, a night. So she looked like from Goodfellas, like, you know, just like 90s, like, Italian hair. Her name was probably Janet. And so. And so she's like, are you the guy? Jeff said, I'm like, yeah, it's my first day. And she goes, we got a situation. Come in the yard. So I go into the backyard, and they had this giant turtle, like a. Like a Galapagos island prehistoric, like a humongous turtle. And then they had a dog, right? And the dog was messing with the turtle, and it went to bite the turtle's head, I guess. And the turtle pulled its head back into the shell and then took the dog's face with it. So now this dog. This dog's mouth and snout is stuck in the turtle shell. I've been at this job for 25. Licensed physical therapist. I'm in khakis and a shirt I bought from Old Navy at the Queen Center Mall. And she goes, you need to figure it out. My dog's gonna die. And I was like, okay, all right. I was like, we can do this. She was like. Jeff said, you're smart. You just took the board. You're smart. I was like, yeah, but I did it on humans as a physical therapist. I was like, should I massage the turtle? Maybe if we stretch out the hamstrings of the do in the backyard. This is a hundred percent true story. I'm looking around. I'm looking around, and I see a stick on, like, a branch. So I said, okay, I'm looking around. I take the branch. I said, you know, here's what I'm gonna do. Ma'am, Mrs. Janet, whatever it is. I was like, pretty sure her husband's a criminal. I was like, what? I'm gonna take the stick. And I figured, maybe I'll poke the turtle's head and that will release. It doesn't work. I'm poking the head. Not working. The turtle's not giving up. So I said, all right, maybe I'll try this. I take the stick, and I start bashing the shell. I'm like, maybe I'll cause an earthquake and a vibrations, and the dog will let go. And then Janet's like, you're gonna kill my turtle. And I'm like, which animal do you want me to save, the dog or the turtle? She was like, the dog. I was like, okay. So I literally don't know what to do. And I'm trying to think like, this is your first day. You want to have a good impression with the boss? Think. Chris, you passed the New York State physical therapy licensing exam. You are a graduate of Nassau Community College. You work for ice. You can figure out. You don't curse. You can figure out how to get this turtle and this dog separated. If you found out a way how to make sure your parents got divorced, you can separate. Your dad said it was your fault, so you can figure out a way be the egg. So I swear to God, it's 100% true. I have no idea what to do. So I have the stick, and I'm pacing around. And then I look over, and the turtle is just on the floor. Spread four limbs out, and it's got the dog's face in its shell, but the butthole of the turtle is fully exposed. So I say to myself, what would get me to just jump out of my shell? So I'm looking at the stick. I'm looking at the butthole. I'm saying, buddy, this needs to happen. So I wiggle it in. I swear to God, I wiggle it in. I'm a licensed physical therapist. I'm trained to do this. I wiggle it in, and I take the stick and I put it directly into the turtle's butt. Straight shot. It's like, I've done it before. Straight shot. Find me on Grindr. I. Straight shot. Hey, it's still clean. I haven't cursed yet, mom. Straight shot into the turtle's butt. Okay. The turtle, all four of its limbs shoot out of the side, including its head, releases the dog. I swear to God. Release the dog. The dog jumps up. Finally, free, runs across the street, gets hit by a car. Gets hit by a car. So the dog is in pain. Now the dog's got two broken legs. I said, this I can fix. I'm a physical therapist. So. So the dog. I swear, I run into my car. My Toyota Corolla. I run into my car. I'm still holding the stick. I hold the stick in the passenger seat. I got the dog in the back seat. Cause I'm like, let me bring this to my boss. You know, dog's legs are broken, and it's in so much pain. And I'm turned, and we're stopped at a light, and I could just see it's in pain. And I'm like, do I just put the stick in this animal's butt too? It just. And so I bring the dog back. I bring the dog back to my boss. He's like, did you fix it? I'm like, not really, but I got. And I just give the dog back. I give the dog to my boss with two broken legs. He's like, what happened here? I was like, I stuck a stick in your turtle's butt, and then it got rid of your dog. And then the dog ran across the street and got hit by a car. And he goes, you're fired. And then I pursued stand up comedy, and now I'm here, and I was the egg. And that was a clean set by Chrissy D. Give it up for Eric Newman, everybody. Best back there in the business. I'm Chrissy Stefano. All right, thank you, Chrissy D. Guys, that was our show, man. We have a good time today. All right, all right, all right. See, that worked better. Yeah, right? That worked better. So we'll see. We'll show them to them, both versions, but that seemed to work. And we're gonna try it again in the third time. I think there was some bits in there that. That I. I added some stuff. Yeah, I gotta look at the footage. All right, come on, we got another set. All right, here we are. Third set of the night. Final set. We're down at the Village on. Dan Soder's on right now. Absolutely annihilating. So I gotta try to be clean with this new material. Do it and try to follow a frickin beast like Dan Soder and we'll see. Can I do it? Who cares? God, shut up, Will. That's Will Savins just laughing like that. That's Will Savins just being black. Yes. Thank you, sir. Hello. Hello. Thank you. What a show. There it is. Dude, you're me if I, you know, you're me if I was just a plumber from Ronkonkoma. Is that what you are? No. Oh, okay. Sorry. Ronkonkoma, It's a fun town in Long Island. You know where I got this jacket? This jacket just says I work for ice like any Metz man. Listen, dude, here's the truth. First of all, Dan is, you know, next level funny. And what I've done now is for Lent, I promised my mom that I wouldn't curse. And I've just been doing clean comedy and I've been bombing like you can't imagine. Because it's hard to be clean. Because I just want to talk about dirty things and say the F word. But I promised until Easter Sunday I wouldn't to my mom because I have multiple children out of wedlock. And it's the least that I could do. Cause she's already been like, can you give me one thing? And I was like, all right, I won't say any dirty words till Easter Sunday. But at dinner, Easter Sunday, I'm talking about eating ass. So just know. But here we go. Just get ready. I'm already sweating. So that's the good news about me is I have on so many layers right now that it's just, you know, I'm kind of used to it now. Cause it's just been three weeks of pure zeros and just sweat dripping down my back. I mean, the top of my butt cracks like splish splash right now. And it's just what it is. And I'm just gonna have to commit to it because I do love my mom and. And I promise I won't lie to her anymore. Before I was a comedian, I was a physical therapist. That's fun. Yeah. I mean, my mom is so. Because you have to get a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist, but you're not like a real doctor. But my mom, you know, she just she was like, yeah, he's a doctor. He's a real doctor. And I'm like, I went to Nassau Community College. I'm not where you went. I'm not a real doctor. But she, you know, thought I was. And so I'm. This is true. Day one, my very first day as a physical therapist. Like, I'm talking about, I passed my boards, and now I'm out there, I got my khakis on, and I'm ready to go. I'm working at an orthopedic clinic right deep in Long Island. And my boss, his name was Jeff. Full, full blown criminal. He ran, like, multiple businesses. And so I get there day one, and he goes, are you the new guy? I was like, you hired me last week. You told me to come in today. And he was like, yeah, well, we got a situation. I was like, okay, I'm ready. I just passed my boards, and in my head I'm thinking, be the egg. And so. So he goes, you got to go to my house. He was like, I got a situation in my backyard. I was like, okay, I'm a physical therapist. So he goes, you figure it out, you smart kid. You just passed the board. You still got that school brain. You'll figure it out. So I'm like, okay. So I get there, I go to his house, right? Gives me the address. Go to his house, and his wife's standing out. She's crazy. She's got her. You know, she's like one of those, like, 90s, like, Goodfellas ladies. She's got her hair spiked up like a beehive. And she's like, are you. Did Jeff send you? Are you gonna help? I was like, yes. She goes, all right, what. Where do you work? I was like, I'm a physical therapist. She was like, that's. How are you gonna help with this? I'm like, I don't know what to. I don't know what the situation is, ma'am. I'm here. I got my good Dockers on, and I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna curse. And so she. So I work for ice. So she's. She's. I don't know. I said, just take what's going on. She goes, okay, come to the yard. So I go to the backyard. I swear to God, they have a turtle, like a humongous Galapagos island prehistoric turtle, and they also have a dog. And the dog went to go bite the turtle, and the turtle put its head inside the shell and took the dog's face. With it. So now the dog face is stuck inside the turtle shell. And she's like, what are you gonna do? And I was like, should I massage the turtle? I'm a physical therapist. I don't know what to do. She was like, you gotta figure it out. My dog's gonna die. And I was like, probably because I don't know what to do. This wasn't on the boards. They never told me what to do on a turtle body. I don't know. So she's like, can you just help me out? You gotta fix this. I can't lose my dog. And so I was like, okay. So I'm looking around the yard, and I see a stick. Okay? So my first thought is, all right, here's what I'm gonna do. I said, janet. I assume your name's Janet. I was like, I'm gonna, Mrs. Janet. Whatever you prefer. Your husband's a criminal. So I said, I'm gonna take the stick, and I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to poke the turtle's head, and maybe then the turtle will let go of the dog. So I'm poking this thing in the head, and the turtle's not letting go. And I'm realizing I'm gonna kill the turtle. So I said, okay, that's not working. So then I take the stick, and I start bashing the turtle's shell. Because I'm like, it won't feel that. It'll just cause a little vibration, and maybe that will let the dog go. And then Janet's yelling. She's like, you're gonna kill my turtle. I was like, which one do you want, the turtle or the dog? I can't save them both, lady. So I'm bashing this turtle shell. Not working. So then I really don't know what to do. And I'm breathing, and I'm walking around, and then I'm like. I just. Out of the corner of my eye, I see. Cause the turtle's laying down on its stomach, and it's got the dog. And I see just the turtle's perfect circular butthole. And I'm looking at the stick, and I'm looking at the butthole, and I'm saying, what would make me jump out of my shell? And so I just. You know, I do. I give it a few licks. I grease it up. You know what I'm talking about doing? And so. So I slowly move it in to the turtle's butt. This is 100% true. I am moving it to the turtle's butt. This Turtle. All four of its limbs shoot out of its shell, including its head. It lets go of the dog. I think I've saved the day. The dog, in a panic, sprints out of the backyard and gets hit by a car. Just hit by a car, and it's got a broken leg. And then I say to myself, well, at least now I know what to do, because I'm a licensed physical therapist. And I go back to my boss, and they're like, did you. What happened? I'm like, I saved the dog. And then the wife calls. She's like, the dog's leg's broken. It got hit by a car. And he was like, what did you do? I was like, what did you. What could I do? He was like, what did you do? I was like, I stuck a stick in the turtle's butt to let go of the dog. And the dog got hit by a car. What do you want me to do? And he was like, you're fired. And I swear to God, I made it 45 minutes, and I got fired. But then I started to do standup comedy, so, you know, it all works. But I figured. Not that, you know, but I figured, like, you know, I'm trying, and I always find myself in these situations, you know, I mean, who. You know. And then. And then I got. And then the second place I worked at, they wanted me to. One of the guys. Same thing. So, Jeff, what happens is this. I'm trying to work this shit out. What happens is what? So sorry. Damn it, Mom. I'm sorry. I shouldn't occur. She filming this for you? Mom, I'm sorry. I said. I meant to say I'm figuring this poopy out, okay? I'm sorry. You know, I love Jesus. You know, it's all that. Okay. Father Bill molested me, and I. I said molested, dude, this is so hard to be clean and so hard. But you know what? I get these odd jobs. Like, I. Before, when I was a kid, I worked at the US Open. You know, like, the tennis, right? Yeah. There you go. Yeah. And I. I worked there. And, you know, I'm from Queens, you know, and so you. You knew that. You know, I'm dressed in full Mets gear a week before opening day. I'm just one of those idiots. I'm like. And so. And so I work at the U.S. open, and, you know, we don't know anything about tennis. I mean, how would I. I. You know, I grew up in Queens. It's not. It's like a rich kid sport. It's Also, like, we. You know what I mean? Like, New York City kids. Like, I don't think tennis is, like, a real sport. You know, Like, I'm an athlete. I'm like, shut up. You're really not. You're wearing dumb socks and short shorts and a headband. I don't care. You have a racket. Shut up. It's like, you gotta play football or baseball or basketball, and nobody. You're. You. You drive for F1. You're not a real athlete. And it's just how we feel. Even though they are. They're better than me, but, you know, it's just a New York attitude. So. So we're working at this U.S. open, and everybody else, like the French Open, the British Open, all the other Opens, they all hire, like, the elite of elite kids to work this event, but not the US Open. It's all just dirt bags from Queens that. We don't know anything about this. Like, you know, like, when you're volleying back and forth tennis, you can't make it sound. We didn't know that. Nobody taught us that sport. My job was to stock up the coolers at the game. That's what I do. I was dropping Powerade in all these coolers, and this guy is playing tennis back and forth, volleying for the US Open. And I just dropped a pack of Powerade just right on the court. And the guy hit the net, and then he picked up the ball and spiked it at me. And then I started charging him, like. Because it's just the thing. It's like, you throw a ball at me, I'm gonna try to punch you in the face. And so I get held back. And my boss, who's also a Queens guy, was like, you can't do that kind of stuff here. I was like, yeah, but he hit a ball at me. He's like, yeah, but we're not in Queens. This is the US Open. I was like, but the US Open's in Queens. He was like, yeah, I know, but you're not, like, in Queens. Queens. I was like, oh, okay. I still don't understand, but I'm just gonna be the egg. And so. And so. So I'm sitting there, right? And I'm on the match, and the referee sits up in his big high chair. I'm seeing him, and he's, you know, he's got a British accent, and he's going, you know, 40 love, 30 love. And I'm like, I feel like I've seen this guy, and, you know, it's new York. And it's like everybody kind of knows everybody. I'm like, I've definitely seen this guy. And so he's doing the score, and then he keeps going, 30 love, 40 love. And I was like, I feel like I know this guy. And then after the match, he comes down off the chair, and then again, full British guy. I say, have I met you before? He goes, yeah, my name's Ralph. I work at ONeills. And I was like, you piece of shit, poopy. You piece of poopy. I was like, you're making up an accident. He's like, that's what the people want, Chrissy. That's what they want. They want you to. They want me to make believe that I'm British. It sells tickets. I was like, no, no, it doesn't at all. You're just a liar, dude. This went nowhere. You know what was good? Certain parts of this was good. Here's what I think. I think the turtle with the stick in the butt can work. But you know what's good about this? Here's the good news about me, and this is why it's just good to be a comic, is I've done this set now four times, and I'm 0 for 4. But the good part about me is I'm just gonna keep doing it because I'm kind of retarded. And I got the light. I gotta go. I wish I could finish. All right, have a good night. Give it up for Sim, everybody. Hi, Mom. My name Kurt. Yes, sir. Thank you. Keep it going, Steve. See that? So let's show that one because that was a full fucking bomb. Sweating. Did you get the sweat glistening off me?
- [49:07]
Chris DiStefano
Yes.
- [49:07]
Colin Quinn
Oh, dude, we got to show that one. We got to just show in the edit somehow, like, how it can go off the rails and it's just a full bomb, right? We have to. There it is. Well, that's the show. Now I'm gonna go home and get yelled at. Well, actually, no, Jasminette said she's gonna not. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna slowly get into bed, and we're gonna try to watch yellow jackets until I fall asleep. But this was. This was a night. This was one of those things where I had to follow. Just had to follow Dan Soder, who annihilated. And I just took a hot one, and I am dripping in sweat, like you cannot imagine. Like, as if I'm covered in lube and a freak off, like a full. I haven't bombed like that in a long time, but I Feel good that I committed to it. I stuck to my guns, and I just sought out. I just did what I said I was going to do, and I didn't deviate, and I just stuck to my message of I'm being clean for my mom for Lent. And I think, overall, it went well. And, yeah, there's nothing I can do right now except just go drive home and listen to Whitney Houston and slowly get hard as I'm crossing the Queensborough Bridge, which isn't even a bridge. I just made it up. It's the 59th Street Bridge, and I went to Queensborough Community College. Christinecomedy.com for Tikiwikis for the Love of God, buy them. Because the tickets. Just buy them, okay? Just buy the damn tickets. All right, well, I don't know what I'll do. All right, what do we got? How do we close? I don't know. That was just such a bomb. I have nothing. Nothing even to say. Just go watch Josh Johnson. All right? Oh, you know what I got to do? I got to go to this place. Puerto Rico Coffee, right here. Not Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico. Because we don't have any coffee in the house. And Jazz said I was supposed to get coffee beans, and I forgot yesterday. And she won't drink the Keurig Cafe Bustelo. I'm like, isn't that Puerto Rican coffee? She's like, but I need the better stuff. So I'm gonna go in here to Puerto Rico and get some real coffee. And then Steve Ceccone, right? Cerrone is on the ones and twos. Right behind this camera is a real coffee snob. So I'm gonna let him smell it and see what he thinks. And it was funny to say let him smell it, because this woman just walked by and was disgusted because she didn't know we were talking about coffee. She thought, steve, want to sniff, But. Amazing. Hey, what's up, man? So how does it work? We just. Yeah, yeah, Okay. I don't know what you would even want. Yeah, so we got these Costa Rican beans. So I don't know if a Puerto Rican's gonna be okay with Costa Rican beans, but we gotta do it. And then even though we hit our timing, even though we hit our fasting timer, I had to get some espresso beans, some orange. We got some espresso beans, chocolate covered orange peel beans, and then almond bean. And then I think it was chocolate almonds. And the guy just. Steve tried to start filming, and the guy just told him to put the camera away, put the camera away. And little does he know, when he looked away. I teabagged those beans, baby.
- [52:35]
Nick Griffin
Probably don't want people filming because I was thinking it's like post Covid the police like that. It's like all the.
- [52:40]
Colin Quinn
Yeah. Are you sure you're not busy? No. Oh, dude, you? Yeah. You want to get in with us, bro? You're so funny. Look at that beans, baby. What's up? That's it. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it, man. You too. So post co they don't want what.
- [53:00]
Nick Griffin
I'm saying, like, with all the beans out like that and like all the stuff that people can, like, touch and, like, smell. Ground zero is what I'm saying.
- [53:13]
Colin Quinn
Not around. Oh, damn. All right. Good stuff. These are good people. That's what it is. You don't need too much in life. Sometimes you just need a little coffee beans, a little chocolate covered almonds, and a massage from an Asian immigrant. Go this way. I think it's down this block. Yeah, dude. A super burrito. What the hell is that? We should have went there, Steve.