Transcript
Chris DiStefano (0:01)
This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. It's tax season, and we're all a bit tired of numbers, but here's one you need to $16.5 billion. That's how much the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Now here's a good number. 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed. Save up to 40% your first year@lifelock.com. podcast terms apply.
Colin Quinn (0:29)
You need to figure it out. My dog's gonna die. And I was like, okay, all right. I was like, we could do this. She was like, jeff said, you're smart. You just took the board. You're smart. I was like, yeah, but I did it on humans as a physical therapist. I was like, should I massage the turtle? Maybe if we stretch out the hamstrings of the dog. So I'm in the backyard. This is 100% true story. Look at us, babe. Welcome to Sunday night standups with Chrissy. Or Sunday night chaos, whatever you want to call it. We're here in the beautiful West Village. It just rained, washed away the pigeon poop and the homeless poop. And then here's this truck that's going to drive right into me. And the last words will be Patreon. I'm going to say patreon.com history hyenas. I think everyone should just go to the patreon.com history hyenAs. Patreon.com Christy Comedy. We don't really put too much up they anymore because I'm trying to do less and just make it better. I'm about quality, not quantity. What we're going to try to also do in tonight's episode is be in the next few weeks is be Chrissy Clean's. I want to see if I can do clean. I've never really tried it. I mean, some of my stuff is not like that dirty. But I do say a lot of unnecessary f bombs. And I do kind of want my mom and family to be proud of my comedy. And I just feel like they're not. I just feel like it's not for them. So I'm kind of just trying to do something that doesn't involve making fun of Puerto Ricans or saying my dad thinks I'm gay, even though my dad does think I'm gay. And I do love Puerto Ricans, but I'm trying to just be Chrissy Clean. And by the way, and not change the fabric of who I am. Because at the end of the day, I am a gay man that loves Puerto Ricans. Chris, stop doing that. You just said you weren't going to do it. But don't curse. I'm going to try not to curse. So I have some Chrissy clean material, but I think that I want to try. It may be like, I have to do some crowd work. It may just be some fishing for stuff. It may be some Chrissy bombs. But I'm committed to doing this, and I know it's going to be harder, but I want to just try to start to do things that are, hey, you know, even if it doesn't get the views, it's kind of what I want to do, and I want to just be higher quality and not quantity. So hopefully come along in the journey with me. And by the way, shout out to the compliments I've gotten on my Mets jacket. Thank you. I. It's. It's made by Levi's, which is. It's kind of like. It's one of these jackets that even if it didn't have the Mets logo on it, I would still wear it. And everyone's like, I thought you were a Yankee fan. Well, I thought. I thought you weren't an asshole. I just cursed again. So I thought you weren't a butthole. This has been, hey, babe, I was trying the pot. I was trying to do it in the comedy cellar and all that, but I feel like a bit of a pariah, if I'm being honest with you, to my peers. I feel a little bit like, you know, the comics back, why you got the camera out? And it's like, what am I? Documentary filmmaker? Who am I? Morgan Spurlock? I think he's dead. And it's like, I don't want to do any of that. I'm standing in a corner in my own little corner here down on Mineta street in the West Village, and I like just doing it this way. And I'm going to try. We're going to. We got some bits that we're going to try. We'll see how they do on stage. But I mean. Oh, there's one thing here, let me try this now. So I'm going to do Ari Shapir storytelling show. So I got to do. I want to try to practice that story. So I'm going to try to make that a long story on stage, and we'll see what happens with it. And we'll see, because I'm trying to get it good for Ari's storytelling show, which he told me Specifically, don't tell that story anywhere else but my show. And I just told it right here on Sunday night stand ups with Chrissy, because that's what you come on my YouTube for. So tell all your friends. All right, let's see. Let's see what bombs and what doesn't. Welcome for Chris DiStefano. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, sorry. Mr. Nick Griffin. Right? The best. Look at you guys. All right. Yes. Thank you. You know, coming in for the man of the hour cq. And yeah, it's lent. You know, I have a religious mother, so I promised her that I would just be clean in my comedy for the next six weeks. I swear. So every joke is just somewhat clean, and I haven't been going well, and I'm just clean with my comedy. You can still go get a massage, you know, but it's. Look, you know, you have fun. I have. I got a family now. I got a stepson. It's one of. I mean, I love him, but it's like. I mean, his kid got thrown off the pole vaulting team. I'm like, how do you get thrown? That's just one you sign up for. How did you get thrown off the pole vaulting team? And, you know, but it's just. What is. I mean, it's not my kid, so it's just. I don't know what to tell you, but it's. It's what it is. I. You know, I was thinking about. Somebody asked me because what I used to do. What did I used to do before comedy? And I was a physical therapist. That was my job. Yeah, physical therapist. And I remember. This is true. Day one, this is my life. Day one of my first physical therapy job ever. I worked at this orthopedic place out on Long Island. Day one, my boss, real grease ball, you know, he was like a physical therapist. Like, he got his degree 30 years ago when, like, he could just take a class on, you know, like, you didn't even have to get a degree. Like, I had to get a doctorate degree. This guy just went to, like, DeVry or something. They just gave it to him. Real grease monkeys, just using it for money. And so he goes, day one, he's like, are you the new guy? I was like, yeah. He goes, listen, I got a situation at my house, so I need you to go take care of that situation. I was like, I'm here to do physical therapy. I have a license. He was like, just go to my house. Just go. He goes, my wife says she'll tell you what to do. So I was like, okay. So I get there, and the wife is hysterical. She's like, are you the guy Jeff said? I'm like, yes, I'm a physical therapist. My first day. And she was like, okay. She was like, come in the yard. So I go in the yard. They had a turtle, right? This huge turtle, like a giant Galapagos island tortoise, and a dog. And the dog, for some reason, went to go bite the turtle's head. And the turtle put its head back in the shell and took the dog's snout with it. So now the dog's snout is stuck in the turtle shell. And she goes, can you figure it out? And I was like, I could give it a. I don't know what to do. Should maybe have we tried calming music? I don't know how to help. I'm 26 years old, and I'm just realizing, your husband's a criminal. I don't know what to do. And she goes, you have to. She goes, my dog. My dog, it's dying. And you could feel. It's like breathing is labored. So I'm looking around the yard, and I see a stick. And so I say, okay, here's what I'm thinking in my head. I'm like, just, you know, use sign. Come on, Chris. You know science. You know what to do. Leverage. So I'm like, I'm going to stick this stick. I'm going to put it inside the turtle shell, and I'm going to try to poke the turtle's head, and that will release the dog snout. It's not working. So then I say, all right, maybe I can shake it. It's got a shell. It won't hurt it. Let me hit this shell. Let me hit the turtle on the back. And maybe the vibrations through the shell will cause, you know, some type of earthquake in the turtle body, and this will work. And so I'm banging this shell, and now she's yelling at me. She's like, you're gonna kill my turtle. And I'm like, I don't know what to do, lady. I'm sure your name's Janet or something. I don't know what the hell to do. So I'm literally pacing, and I'm like, what am I supposed to do here? So I go around. I'm looking. I'm like, pete, look at. And I notice that the turtle's laying on its stomach and its butthole is out. So I got the stick and I got the butt. And I said, I know what Would make me jump. So I take the stick and I maneuver it into the turtle's butt. Yes. In a second, the turtle shot both its arms and its legs out, popped its head out, and the dog ran. The dog got freed and in a startle, ran across the street. Got hit by a car. Yes, fully hit by a car. So now I don't know what to do. Janet, or whatever her name is just screaming at me. I have. There's no. My phone isn't working. So I said, I don't know what to do. I am a licensed physical therapist. This dog has a broken leg. I can fix it. So I say I put the dog in the back seat of my Toyota Corolla, and I drive back to the office holding the dog. And the boss, Jeff, is like, you figure it out. You saved my dog. I said, kind of. I said, I did figure out the mechanics of the turtle and what to do, but the dog got hit by a car. And he goes, what are you talking about? He said, the dog got hit by a car, but we're physical therapists. We could fix it. And I checked into work at 9am I got back with the dog at 11:30am with a broken leg. Fired on the spot. So I got fired on the spot, Give the guy the dog. Fully fired. So I was like, fully fired. So I go home, right? Whole thing. He calls me up, he goes, come back to work tomorrow. My wife said, I overreacted. You're really a good kid. You tried. Come back to work. I said, all right, I'll come back. Come back. Very first patient of day two at this guy's office, this lawyer comes in, you know, real kind of another grease ball kind of lawyer. And he goes, this is Tim. And I go, okay. And this is like, 2012. He goes, now he's one of Donald Trump's lawyers. And this is years before Trump becomes president. He goes, one of Trump's lawyers, okay. He goes, he's having back pain. So I'm, like, doing all the tests. You got to reproduce back pain. And he goes, I can't figure it out. And so my boss says, is something you want to tell us, Tim? He goes, all right. He goes, could it be this? And then he pulls down his pants, and he has every STD I've ever learned about in my life, just raging there. And he says, I've been having sex with prostitutes and paying extra to do it. No condom. So the problem is, I got a wife and kids, though, and they can't find out. So I was like, yeah, you know, I agree. They can't find out. I was like, so? But I don't know what to do. Like, I can't. You know, I was like, I could put a stick in your butt. That's kind of what I'm good at. So then. So then. So then Tim says to me, he goes, how about I give you ten grand right now and you put the medication in your name? Because my wife checks our mail and she would know. Put the medication in your name. You sign all the papers, I'll give you ten grand. And then you just meet up with me and give me the medication. And I was like, well, that's fraud. I can't. I've only been a physical therapist for two days. And the guy Jeff goes, you gonna do it or not? And I was like, no, I'm not gonna do it. And he goes, you're fired. And so I got fired on the second day. Two days in a row, I got fired. And, you know, again, I've told you I'm working out this clean stuff, and obviously that doesn't have an ending yet, but I just thought I'd share it with you. I thought I'd share a will. It arguably get better? But yeah, that's my physical therapy life. And, you know. And Jeff, you know, Jeff guys are proud to know. And I'm sure you've figured out by now is dead. Of course, dude. You're not gonna live long and live it like that. He was actually murdered. I swear. He was, like, murdered in, like, a bar out in Syosset. So that's what happens. Okay, well, all right, guys. Well, that's enough of my clean bs. So this guy coming to the stage, you know him, you love him. That's why you're here. Colin Quinn, everybody, from Bay Ridge. Oh, the dumber you are, the better they like it. Very true. You know what? We tried that story we're gonna try with Ari. I think it's got some legs, but as you can see, the shit just tapers off. I started the set with an old bit, so we'll put all that in. Well, I'll start the set with an older bit that's on my Hulu special just to get the cr. Sometimes that's like, what I like to do is I'll do an old. If I'm trying new stuff, I'll start it with an old bit to get a laugh and then get the crown going with me. And I had them and then I completely lost them. But that's what happens when you Try something for the first time. It's just a process, or as the English say, a process. So. But I think overall, the stick in the butt thing works. And it was squeaky clean, right? Did I curse at all? Would you consider that clean? Oh, yeah.