← Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Chris Gets Ghosted By His Peptide Dealer & Obsesses Over Aliens | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos
01:08:19
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- [00:00]
Chris Distefano
What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Chrissy Chaos, live from the Chaos Bus. We don't have any guests today because Netflix is a joke. Comedy festival is going on in Los Angeles and all the comedians are there. And I got asked to go, but I said no because it was a power move by me, but also a very stupid move by me. So now I. Here I am sitting in the back of my trunk on 76th street, coming to you live from 10023. The zip code. 10023, or is it area code? No, zip code. 10023, which is actually the largest. It has the most members of the 1% in any zip code in the world live right here in the 10023. So I'm coming to you live from the streets, hoping that somebody walks by and I can get a sugar daddy. Now, here's what's going on. Okay? First of all, I'm sitting Native American style because I read all your comments last week. Every time I have my legs hanging down, it would make the trunk open and close again. Some people liked that being part of the show. Some people didn't. But I'm gonna try to sit Native American style, AKA Indian style, AKA Cherokee style. And what I'm gonna do is try to see if I can go a whole episode without the trunk closing. If people walk by, we're gonna try to get people involved. We're gonna see what happens today. We don't know. Okay. It's a little chilly here in New York City. I noticed because Vito was wearing a T shirt. And then he, very casually, as we were talking, got his jacket, which, you know, Vito's a big man. And he said, I'm cold. And he just really. Vito right now is off camera. I could see him, and he just looks like a chilly bitch.
- [01:42]
Vito
You know what? I'm not one of those, like, larger guys that'll, like, wear a pair of shorts just to, like, prove a point.
- [01:47]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, I like that.
- [01:48]
Vito
I get cold just like everybody else, man.
- [01:50]
Chris Distefano
Did you go to the gym this morning?
- [01:52]
Vito
No, because we had a daycare at 8am they had muffins with Mommy for Mother's Day.
- [01:58]
Chris Distefano
Oh, nice. Did you have a little muffin?
- [02:00]
Vito
I didn't, because I felt like they only had enough for the moms.
- [02:03]
Chris Distefano
For the moms. Yeah. Yeah. And the truth is, is, you know, for me, if I was at muffins with mommy, I would have had more than one muffin, and some mom wouldn't have gotten a muffin. And I would have said, you can just eat your muffin top. And then I would have said something silly like that, thinking it was a good joke and funny and then really offended someone and had to later on apologize.
- [02:24]
Vito
So Mother's Day is Sunday. It'll be in the past when this comes out.
- [02:27]
Chris Distefano
Yes.
- [02:27]
Vito
You just had a look of fear in your eyes, like you've planned nothing.
- [02:29]
Chris Distefano
Okay, so here's the truth about Mother's Day is I've planned. That is correct. I've planned absolutely nothing. Cause I have Mother's Day this week and then my mother's 70th birthday next week. So for my mother's 70th birthday, we're going to take her to this really nice restaurant. And because my mom is so, like, Catholic and religious and has been uptight my whole life, me and her sisters, my aunts, we've all chipped in and we got her a real male stripper that's gonna pop out of a cake for real just to see what my mom's gonna do. Yeah, yeah. And that stripper is T.T. jerry. So no. But. So what I'm gonna do for this for Mother's Day this weekend is, you know what we said? Why don't we do it at our house? I'm gonna get all the moms in my life. Jasmine, my mom, Jasmine's mom, Jasmine's sister. We got all the moms. Any other moms I can think of? Maybe my next door neighbor mom. Get them there. And then I wanted to do a nice brunch. I was thinking either I'll go get bagels and I'll, like, toast some bagels and put out, like a nice cream cheese spread and all that stuff, or I'll get a whole bunch of waffles and I'll just toaster up a whole bunch of waffles and I'll make, like, fun sides. Like, I'll make, like, you know, have like, Cool Whips and. And fruits. And then I'll make like chocolate Cool Whip and cinnamon Cool Whip. And then I'll. And then I'll. I'll make like. Like a pumpkin, like a pumpkin cheesecake frosting or something like that. Or maybe I won't do any of that and I'll just get all the moms there in my life and we'll just order a bunch of food off Seamless.
- [03:59]
Vito
Can you walk to the bagel store?
- [04:01]
Chris Distefano
I can walk to this bagel store. And also, just for anybody who was listening to the podcast three years ago, also, I did figure out when I moved to Staten Island. When I moved off of Staten Island, I cited the main reason being because I couldn't walk to a bagel store. And then I realized that the bagel store was closer to my house on Staten island than it was to my house in Queens. So just know that. Just know this, Just know this that the only place I'll truly be happy, and I was trying to tell my family this is living in New York City, in Manhattan, living on the block that we're currently shooting from, because there's about three bagel stores that I can see with my own eyes. So I will find a way at some point in my life. Here's my real goal is I want to stay healthy and all about, like, longevity and stay healthy and limber and good cholesterol for as long as I can, because I want to be healthy. When I inevitably move out of my suburban home into the apartment that I've always wanted, that's what I really, really want, is I just want to be like a healthy 55 year old who, you know, is just finally, I'm that guy who I keep saying in my head, like, I'm not yet living the life that I want. I'm just to hold on for dear life, to eventually get it. And then what will happen is I'll eventually get the life that I want and reminisce about the life that I currently have right now, and I'll miss that life. And that's what you call someone close to Sui Wooey.
- [05:21]
Vito
You know, I know you don't care about being recognized. Like, that's not something that drives you. But I do feel like it should feel good that the Upper west side, the demographic, is much older.
- [05:30]
Chris Distefano
Yes.
- [05:31]
Vito
You haven't been noticed once.
- [05:32]
Chris Distefano
I haven't been noticed once.
- [05:33]
Vito
And if we're in the Village, we're in soho. You're getting stopped left and right. But up here, you're not Jerry.
- [05:39]
Chris Distefano
Up here, yeah. They don't. Up here, I just look like any other Jewish lesbian to them. They.
- [05:44]
Vito
You gotta be Zarna, Jessica Kirsten or Jerry Seinfeld.
- [05:47]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. It is true. Nobody's really noticing me here. And I kind of, you know, look, not that I get noticed all day, every day, but it is. It is kind of. Cause you know what it is, I'm at that point in my career where I think I've been around long enough that, you know, some people, if you're a fan of comedy, you most likely have at least heard of me, and you've made an Opinion. Either you like me or you don't. But you've probably seen my face around. You may not know my name because I've been doing this 15 years, but I will say that it is. I'm at a point where it does at times get embarrassing when somebody recognizes me. Because what will happen seven out of 10 times is somebody will recognize me and say, oh, you're that guy. Or sometimes they'll know my name. You're Krista. Oh, hey, how are you doing? Can I get a picture? Absolutely. Of course. I appreciate the fans. I don't have a career without you guys, so I always appreciate that. But what will happen is they'll be with someone else, and then they'll give the phone to that person that they're with, and I'll take a picture with me, and I'll hear the person who took the picture as they're walking away say, who was that guy? That's where my career is at. One person knows me. One person is like, who is that guy? So listen, maybe at any level, there's a bit of that, but at times, it does get a bit embarrassing where you're like. Or, you know, it gets embarrassing sometimes, too. I'm the guy who. I get all this opportunity. Like, I get to go to the Knicks games sometimes. Like, you know, if they'll, like, invite me to, like, a movie premiere or something like that. You walk the red carpet, and it's so awesome to get invited to that. It really does feel like a privilege and an honor. But I am the guy who, when I'm walking into the Knicks games through the VIP entrance or down the red carpet, I am the guy that gets the access. But the paparazzi put their cameras down. Nobody's taking my picture's not worth it. You know what I mean? So it's very funny. Like, I remember one time I had to go on the red carpet at, I think it was like, the MTV Music Awards. I had to go on after Lady Gaga, who was like, won every award that year. So the paparazzi were literally, like, convulsing, and they announce you. They're like, next up is Lady Gaga. Crowd goes nuts, whatever. And then they. For me, they were like, next up is Chris De Stefano. And then I think one person took a picture with me, and I swear to God this is true. And they took a picture with me because this paparazzi person used to work with my mom when he was in banking. So he took a picture of me and sent it to my mom and asked me what my mother's email was. Lynn.distefano@scotiabank.net you want to email my mom?
- [08:22]
Vito
I will say, though, at the Garden, you are like, king of the staff.
- [08:27]
Chris Distefano
One privilege and honor I have is the staff at Madison Square Garden, because I think that they look at someone like me and they're like, if he can do it, so can I. That's what I think. I think the commonality that I share with a lot of the behind the scenes people that are, you know, the best people are there, like, oh, I see him in the neighborhood. Like, I can ride the subway with Chris. And so I respect that. I don't. I don't forget that because I don't. I don't think I present myself as a, you know. Oh, like, larger than life. Like, I'm. I'm like your everyday idiot. But. So this episode was. Will come out a couple of days from now. But today the big news is Trump has released the UFO files. Now, the main one that I've seen that I really like is there's this one. I'll send it to you, Vito. We could put it up. When I talk about it, there's this one video of, like, they look like these windmills, like, just going through the skies. Like, it's like shapes and stuff you've never seen before. Like, imagine a flying windmill that's, like, going by. And I looked at all the comments on Twitter and every other comment is those are just the Chinese. That's the Chinese. That's the Chinese. And I've heard that the reason why this is taking so long to release and why they're doing it so slowly is because the US Government or the governments of the world have had to meet with the religious leaders and kind of come up with a game plan as to what the hell they're gonna tell people when they say aliens are real. Because then what is Jesus, right? What is religion? Did the aliens also make. Yeah, there you go. Do the aliens also make. Those are Jewish women just driving slow really slowly by. But they were the Jewish women with that. With the head pieces on. They were hardcore.
- [10:18]
Vito
I think they were that. I don't think they were. I think they were the other side.
- [10:21]
Chris Distefano
Oh, they were the other. They were muzzies.
- [10:22]
Vito
Yeah.
- [10:23]
Chris Distefano
Interesting. Well, we're all aliens, so they. They. So they sing the religious leaders, but they don't know, hey, sir, we're like, we're doing a thing where we're talking to elderly people about their life. And, like, just because you have so much so Much knowledge. Yeah, no, you don't. You. But you look cool. You have an earring on. No, thank you.
- [10:51]
Vito
You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you some feedback.
- [10:54]
Chris Distefano
Don't say elderly. Was that my first mistake? I said, listen, we're talking. We're talking. We're stopping old ass motherfuckers on the street, you know, people who are close to death, and we want to know what the secret to life is. You old piece of shit. That's pretty much what he heard. What that was was your classic gay man. That was a gay man. Because there's no way you'll be in your mid-70s as he probably was with a loop earring. Gay man walking with a limp, some will say, because maybe he just got railed in the butt. But I'll say as a foreign physical therapist, he has a hip issue that he's working on. But that was. That is. As soon as I said elderly, I said, I shouldn't have said elderly.
- [11:33]
Vito
That was your mistake.
- [11:34]
Chris Distefano
But here's the thing. As I tell my children, as I tell my children all the time, a mistake is not an error unless you refuse to correct it. A mistake is not an error unless you refuse to correct it. So I made a mistake, but I will not count it as an error because I am going to correct it. So the next old as fuck person I see, I'm not going to call them elderly. I'm going to say, we're stopping people who look wise and we like to get some knowledge from you. This is what this podcast is about. The thing with the Chaos bus. Here's the thing with the chaos Bus. What I want the people to understand here at the Chrissy Chaos show is because the chaos bus will go to different locations each week. We will have different energies, and the show will be about different things today because we are in the Upper west and there's a lot of, you know, elderly people walking around. Today's show will be about wisdom, it'll be about learning, it'll be about truth. But then next week, if we go down to the West Village, you know, and that's a different energy. It'll just be, look at this dog taking a shit. That'll be like a fun at it clipping. Okay, so who's a good boy? Good doggies, good dogs. I'm a dog person.
- [12:44]
Vito
You are a dog guy now?
- [12:45]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, I'm a big dog guy.
- [12:46]
Vito
You know, people also, you're talking about how every episode's gonna have a different vibe and different thing. A Lot of comments were people saying they like this format, but they do want to know how long you think you're gonna do this format for.
- [12:57]
Chris Distefano
Well, I saw somebody say that I've done three episodes from the trunk, so I'm probably gonna change the format. And I would say you're correct, sir.
- [13:02]
Vito
So we've done. We started audio only.
- [13:04]
Chris Distefano
We started. So this episode has now been back for what, six weeks? Is this the fifth or sixth week?
- [13:11]
Vito
Episode one, completely audio only.
- [13:13]
Chris Distefano
Completely audio only.
- [13:14]
Vito
Episode two, audio only.
- [13:17]
Chris Distefano
Episode three on Zoom.
- [13:19]
Vito
No, no, no. That was two on Zoom.
- [13:21]
Chris Distefano
Okay.
- [13:22]
Vito
And then we did in person. We did three in person. So I think this is seven or eight.
- [13:29]
Chris Distefano
This is seven or eight. So we've already changed the format upwards of four times. So I will say this. Here's what I think. Here's what I think the genius of doing it this way is. And I want to shout out. I want to shout out Nick. Nick Tutoro for coming up with this idea. I want to shout out Vito Babymouth Khaleesi for kind of backing me up on this idea. And I want to shout out my willingness and belief to override my anxiety and depression and believe in myself a little bit here and stick with this, because I think what we've done with this format is given me the ability to show up week after week and be really excited to do this and not get in my own way. Because we're changing the scenery each week, so it feels like we're doing something different, but we're keeping what the show is, which is Chrissy Chaos, which is me coming to you live from my trunk, which is me kind of just talking to you about my week and just, you know, trying to get an outlet here to try to make people happy and hopefully make their week better. But yet we've given the chances of me sticking with this really, really astronomically high. Because I do feel like I'm doing a different format each week. Like this week already. Because we're coming to you live from the 1003223. 232-3. The 10023, the Sugar Daddy Daddy code. The home of the billionaires here on the Upper west side of Manhattan. I feel like this is a different energy than last week when we were with Sammy Jewish Jr. In his block. And then the week before that, we were with Nick Turturro doing physical therapy. And the week before that when we were with. When we were with, you know, those two bitches.
- [15:00]
Vito
Who were the two bitches?
- [15:02]
Chris Distefano
Josephine?
- [15:03]
Vito
Oh, like in your House. Like, before we changed format.
- [15:06]
Chris Distefano
Right. It was a Josephine and Jasmine joke. Got it. Obviously, Jasmine's not a. I was just kidding around. I didn't mean that at all, Joe. I should have said. Yeah, the. Yeah, Jasmine and the.
- [15:19]
Vito
I like watching you stress out about things you just said.
- [15:22]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, because I. I just. Because I say what I like to. What I do is I say them as a joke. Here's what I do. You want to know what? You want to get inside Chrissy's brain for a second?
- [15:30]
Vito
Yeah.
- [15:30]
Chris Distefano
I say things as a joke and then I instantly regret them. And I say, I'm just kidding. But then even furthermore, it's like a superstition or like a tick. I would say I ask God for forgiveness for making fun of someone else. And I wish I asked God for forgiveness for making fun of that person. And I wish whatever person I made fun of, like happiness and health in their life isn't that weird that I do that. I still pray every single night. Like, I would. I had all these tickets where I would go like this. Like, I would think if I said a prayer to God and I didn't go like this, it wouldn't count. Guys, this episode sponsored by BlueChew. You know me, I love seeing erectile penis. I want your guys penises nice and hard for the spring, for the summer, for the fall, for the winter. I just want you to really have the penis you've always desired. They have a new product out called Blue Chew Gold. It is changing the way millions of men are having sex in 2026. 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So I would always go like this and then so to the point where I used to have so much anxiety when I was playing college basketball that I would have to bring my phone out to the court and I would hide it in my warm ups because I was nervous that my current girlfriend at the time was like something had happened to her because I just had this anxiety about like everybody dying. So like if she was like taking the bus home from work or the train or something like that, she would need to text me when she got home. And if she didn't, I would. My heart would flutter and I like couldn't focus. So I would, I would, like, make the sign of the cross and like, because I would, like, pray for her, but if I didn't make the sign of the cross, I would feel like the prayer didn't go through. So my friends, my teammates started calling, started saying that I was in school, schizophrenic, talking to the secret agent. Because what I did is I morphed the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I kind of just went to the Holy Spirit and I would just go like this, like that. And so I did kind of look like an autistic person, a schizophrenic person talking to a secret agent. But I do realize now something interesting as life has went on. Like, because I'm not a jealous guy. I really never have been because I don't know why. I just kind of feel like my feeling has always been like, hey, if you don't want to be with me, I totally understand. Go find your true one, then. Go find. Because I feel like I find happiness in other things, especially now. I find happiness in my children, find happiness in my work. I find happiness in my peptides. So I feel. And of course, I find happiness in my soon to be wife and my fiance. Fiance is a very gay word. We should just be called fian. Gay yoga. I like that dude. Guy holding a yoga mat. That's, that's, that's the right kind of guy. Guy holding a yoga mat for his girl. That's, that's nice. Now that guy is. I like that guy. Did you see him? I like that guy. He's a preppy, kind of nice guy, but he also looks like he could be a serial killer. I kind of like somebody who's got a little bit of American Psycho in them. So. So what I was gonna say was, is I feel that, you know, when I would be not a jealous guy, but I would feel so like. And I would always take pride, like, oh, I'm not jealous, whatever. Like, guys who are jealous, insecure guys. Because I was like, oh, it's always a form of control. That's all it is. It's a form of control. Which is true. That is. It is what it is. It's accurate. But then I realized, like, my anxiety, like with my previous girlfriends and even in the beginning of mine and Jasmine's relationship, like, me always having to say, hey, can you text me when you get home? I just want to make sure you're safe. Did you get to work okay? Even though that was my anxiety, it wasn't bad intention. That was also in some Ways a form of control that I was trying to, like, exhibit over them that I didn't even realize I was doing. But it was just my anxiety because I was so stressed out. And then I would never get mad at them if they were like. I would just be like, I just want to make sure you're not dead. But it was never like, hey, who are you fucking? What guy are you fucking? Because I'd be like, whatever guy you're having sex with. I probably had sex with them already. So I. So it's interesting. As you get older, you have some observations about you. Like, another thing. You notice another thing. This is for the parents in the room. And Vito, you know, you. Your baby's young. I used to, like, I care so much now about what those minutes are leaving the house in the morning and what the energy of the home is and what the energy of my kids are going into school because it dictates so much of their day, especially with their young brains. Like, they don't know. They'll just follow whatever that feeling is when they left because they don't really know. You know, they're learning now. How do I, like, make adjustments, right? So, like, I've noticed now that there's been a lot of times where, like, we'd be late for school. Running late, and because, like, I grew up in a household where if you were late, very German. If you're late, that's a big problem. You cannot be late. Do not be late. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Wrong neighborhood to do that. Somebody just called the police. Sorry. Whoops. Imagine I should ask some lady walking by, let me see your papers. Because I do look. I do kind of look like a Nazi, right? A little bit, yeah. So, yeah, I'm gonna try this. Let's see. Live from the taint.
- [23:12]
Vito
You also, like, you know, nobody knows what this is. That are walking by. You could be one of those red pill podcasts.
- [23:17]
Chris Distefano
That's true too. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, people, that. That's the. That's the blessing and the curse of being up here is nobody knows who I am, so they don't know the podcast.
- [23:27]
Vito
Also, I think there's definitely some of these people know who you are, but, like, these are like old school New Yorkers who, like, they don't give a fuck about a camera.
- [23:34]
Chris Distefano
You know what I mean?
- [23:34]
Vito
Like, they're gonna keep walking.
- [23:35]
Chris Distefano
They don't care. And it's also like, to be honest with you, a lot of these people moved up here. This is very high priced real estate. They Moved up here to get away from the shit. Yeah. They don't want to be in Washington Square Park. You know, they side talk. NYC is not coming up here.
- [23:46]
Vito
No.
- [23:46]
Chris Distefano
So. So, you know, you should have Kareem
- [23:49]
Vito
from Subway takes on this format of the show because we had him at the house.
- [23:53]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, yeah. And you know what? And he messaged me the other day, I should reach out, because he's asked me multiple times to do the Subway show, and I kept saying no. Why did you say no? I don't know. I just don't. Because I don't, like, I don't want to be in public and, like, have people looking at us and being like, who is that guy? You know? What are we looking at?
- [24:09]
Vito
Just that you're out in public.
- [24:10]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just. I know I got to get over my own insecurities about, like.
- [24:19]
Vito
Because I bet you would finish it and go, man, that was fun.
- [24:22]
Chris Distefano
Well, that. Well, you. You know, when you and I were talking last week, you were like, you're the guy that you. You never want to do anything. And then. And then I always. I'm like, I don't want to do it. I want to do it. I want to cancel. And then I don't cancel, and I push through and I'm like, oh, that was actually really fun. So I know now that that feeling of me not wanting to do it, I now look at that as. That's the reason you should do it. Yeah. Like, I didn't want to do the acting thing with Colin Quinn because it scared me, but now I know I really, really, really want to do it. Yeah. There he is. Mother's Day. That's right. There's. I thought it was. Is that Ricky. I think that's Ricky Williams. Remember Ricky Williams? He just said hello to me. I'm pretty sure that's Ricky Williams, the old NFL running back.
- [25:06]
Vito
Oh, the one who got banned. The one who got suspended for weeks.
- [25:08]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, he used to do. Remember he used to do. He used to do press conferences with his helmet on because he had anxiety. Oh, shit. Because he had press conferences with anxiety. I know that you're saying it's because of my legs are swinging, but I don't have the key in my pocket. And I also.
- [25:22]
Vito
It's cause your legs are swinging.
- [25:23]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, but I also. My feet start to go numb. That's the problem. If I sit Indian style the whole time or my leg. It's either my taint starts to go numb, my feet start to go numb.
- [25:31]
Vito
How do your feet go Numb.
- [25:32]
Chris Distefano
I don't know. Cause I'm, like, sitting on my calves.
- [25:34]
Vito
What if you just sit back a little more? Yeah. What if you just scoot your tush back?
- [25:39]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. But then I'm not really outside. Then I'm inside the trunk. You know what I mean? You ever play this game, Play With Me Real? Like, I'll give you a category, right? I'll give you a category, and you have to say five things in that category without taking a breath. You know what I'm saying? So, like, if I said sneakers, you would have to say, you know, Nike, Puma, Fila, Adidas, Sacconi. But if you go and take a breath, you're out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So give me. Give me a. Give me a topic. And I'm gonna try to get five of them in a row without taking a breath.
- [26:16]
Vito
Male porn stars.
- [26:18]
Chris Distefano
Owen Gray. Owen Gray, Owen Gray, Owen Gray. That's the only one I know. Give me another one. Okay, give me, like, an easier one.
- [26:26]
Vito
Just fucking sit. Sit. Crisscross apples.
- [26:28]
Chris Distefano
Okay.
- [26:28]
Vito
Please. Chris. Chrissy Chaos. Cross applesauce.
- [26:32]
Chris Distefano
Chrissy Chaos. Yeah, give me another one. Give me another segment. I'll try to get five in a row. Bones. Huh?
- [26:37]
Vito
Bones?
- [26:38]
Chris Distefano
Like bones in your body? Yeah. Metatarsal, metacarpal, humerus, femur, hyoid.
- [26:45]
Vito
I can't fact check. You. Pilots you had, that didn't work.
- [26:52]
Chris Distefano
What?
- [26:52]
Vito
Pilots you had that didn't work.
- [26:54]
Chris Distefano
Oh, like what network? Oh, I don't remember. Okay, okay. Pilots I had, pilots I had that didn't work. Izzy and me, cbs, abc, Jimmy Kimmel show sideliners on Comedy Central. Oh, look. Oh, wow. Look at this guy. Nice. You can do it. Even if you hit the camera. It doesn't matter, sir. Dude, this guy's. This guy's a good parallel parker. I like this. Look at that. Ripping it. Good for you, dude. See, parallel parking. I feel like I've told you that before. I feel like that's my best skill. A parallel parking I over. I've always, always thought is my number one skill. And this man, you know, he's really doing a great job. He parallel parked it. He fit it like a glove. And he barely. Not even coming close to the camera. I mean, this is perfect.
- [27:42]
Vito
He also gave us a good thing that now nobody can complain.
- [27:44]
Chris Distefano
We're here now. What he's done is he's actually helped the show because we were theoretically taking up two spots. But now that he's done it. Great job, sir. Really is nice work. You too, man. Really Nice. Parallel parking. Really? It's a skill that a lot.
- [27:59]
Vito
If anything, I would have told him to come up more.
- [28:00]
Chris Distefano
He could. He can move it up. Should we tell him he can move it up a little bit?
- [28:02]
Vito
I think he's on his way to work now.
- [28:04]
Chris Distefano
Well, I think he was parking someone's car. Oh, that's what it was. Parking someone's car. How you doing? Ups, baby. FedEx can suck it, right? Thank you. Yeah. Dude. Hey. Did you just.
- [28:25]
Vito
Did you just throw up like the Black Power Fist?
- [28:27]
Chris Distefano
Yes, I did. Yes, yes. I kind of got caught in the middle. I said, fedex can suck it. And then I went like that. And I was gonna say, what can brown do for you? But he was a black gentleman, so I don't want to say that.
- [28:37]
Vito
You gotta be careful with that.
- [28:38]
Chris Distefano
You gotta be careful. Yeah. Yeah. Left me hanging. Damn. It's all right. So. So what I was saying before was, you know, with. With my kids, what I try to do is the energy that they leave the house with. I want to make sure that they leave in a positive mood. Like today, my kids were late for school, and the old me would have been like, come on, we gotta go. We gotta. But then I noticed, like, people get stressed out. People get. People get. You know, the kids. The kids would then be in the car, like, frazzled, like I used to be when I was a kid. So now I say, hey, if we're going to be five, ten minutes late, but which, you know, fine. We'll get docked in a lateness. That happens. But we tried our best and we tried to get out of the house. I'd rather take 10 minutes. Let them calm down. Let them settle down. If you're five minutes late, 10 minutes late, what's the difference? And then they'll have a better day in school because they're in a calmer mood throughout. And then I just remind them, like, hey, you know, being late is not great because you're really not respecting someone else's time. So we just kind of talk to. I just try to talk to them about it rather than screaming at them and telling them they're gonna be nothing because they're late. So. Because that's how I grew up, is I was. If I was late. I mean, the stress and anxiety that I still have to this day lingers on from childhood stuff. So I'm trying to be the best parent I can be right now, but it's difficult, Vito. There's times you're gonna make mistakes, you know, where you just are just Going to create accidental, permanent damage. There she is. You want to come on? You look great. Oh, really? You randomly walked past us? Yeah. Oh, I just do a podcast from the trunk of my car. Yeah. It's called Chrissy Chaos. And this is called the Chaos Bus, where we bang people with podcasts. Thank you. Cheers. Nice to meet you. Thank you, Officer. I appreciate this. I know we're doing something illegal, but I appreciate you guys allowing us to do it. Thank you, guys. Look at that. Those are sexy cops. Holy shit.
- [30:51]
Vito
Undercover car to say what's up to you. Yeah.
- [30:54]
Chris Distefano
So what you just witnessed, I mean, you literally just had police officers stop and say that we were doing good. This is illegal, what we're doing. But if you got the NYPD on your side, I really think those cops were out of control. Handsome men, right? Yeah. Isn't that kind of weird, dude?
- [31:08]
Vito
You know, it's funny, before, when you were saying, like, oh, like we were saying, you haven't been noticed here. I was gonna say, until a cop drives by.
- [31:14]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. And then, dude, I'll tell you what, man. I feel very protected in this city because I feel like the NYPD is on my side because I am on the NYPD side.
- [31:23]
Vito
You are Chrissy Cops.
- [31:24]
Chris Distefano
Nypd. I am Chrissy Cops. You know, listen, it's one of those things how I've always felt. It's like, listen, people want to villainize. You know, it's very cool right now to villainize law enforcement. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like anything else, there's bad eggs in everything. But overall, every cop I've ever met has been a great. Has been a really nice person, and I respect them for what they do. So what happened is someone was murdered two blocks away because the cops are over here trying to get on the Chrissy Chaos podcast. So those are the sirens you're hearing in the background. Probably read about them in the newspaper tomorrow because they. They were too busy trying to get in the chaos bus, and then somebody got clipped on Columbus Ave. Where do
- [32:05]
Vito
I rank for you in, like, annoying liberals you've worked with?
- [32:08]
Chris Distefano
So where you rank for me in annoying liberals is actually. So here's. You ready for this? To me. To me, there's a difference between. There's a difference between lefties and liberals. I'm. I actually am more liberal than not. Of course. I want, you know, I want women to have, you know, right to choose. I want. I want, you know, you know, I want everybody to be able to come to this country. I know, you know, you. You take A bird's eye view of the world. It's just lines on a, you know, lines on a map that man made up. They're not even real. You don't see them when you from outer space. So I, I, I am more in the middle than anything. So for you, so. But when you're like a hardcore porn, like lefty and like you want to have like crazy stuff, like the reason why I like the reason why you don't annoy me that much is because you, the main thing for me has always been, I guess just being a parent is if you want to make your kids trans, I'm out. So you don't want to make your baby trans. You're not trying to tell me that you wish, you know, your daughter's kind of telling you in her six month old way that she wants penis. So that for me is, I'm okay with that as long as the trans kids thing, I just will say publicly, I just have a major problem with what age? What, 18. I just think, I just think 18 or honestly now the research says the human brain fully develops at 25. I might even say 25. I'll say this, if you're not old enough to buy yourself a drink legally, you shouldn't be old enough to cut off your dick.
- [33:41]
Vito
Hey, you know what I got beef with? Yeah, gas prices are crazy.
- [33:46]
Chris Distefano
Dude, gas prices are out of control. Through the roof. That's why. You ready for this family update? Jasmine has been telling me as of late that she's nervous driving. She feels like, you know, she's trying to get over it, but she has PTSD from a car accident. She's gotten into multiple car accidents with my car. Thank God the kids have always been okay. She's always been okay. Little fender benders. She just gets really nervous. So I had originally gotten us an Infiniti QX80 because I thought this is a big enough car, fits the kids. And she said, you know, it's so big that I feel nervous driving it. So what we've decided to do is yet again, because I'm Chrissy, in and out. What we've decided to do. That's nice. See that? That's a nice, those are nice guys right there. Look at that. And that. You see how in New York you come together because you have one man on the left who's Jewish, one man on the right who looks Middle Eastern, but yet they're both gay together. And I really like that. Homosexuality kind of doesn't see religion on the Upper west side. And I really respect that. I like that. Because those are clearly two gay men. So what we've decided to do, big family development is I'm putting up, if anybody wants, I have an Infiniti QX80. Okay. It's a lease payment is not bad for an Infiniti QX80. 820amonth. Okay. I'll even throw in a little bit of incentives. You know, Maybe I'll give $1,000 down, get a little payment off the top. I'm going to put it on swap, Elise. But if somebody on the Chrissy Chaos podcast, somebody wants to come live from the chaos bus and get my Infiniti QX80 legally take the lease off my hands, I'd appreciate it. So let me know. But I will be putting up on swap a lease. We are getting a Tesla. We are getting a Tesla for Jasmine and the kids because it is self driving. Giannis Pappas from the History I Ain't Is podcast. You know my other podcast that I do, the original Greek freak, he has a self driving Tesla and he told me to get a white Tesla because it's the safest for the kids and to have it do self driving because it's kind of like you're just taking the train. It's like you're taking your own train somewhere. And Jasmine has experimented with the self driving Tesla and she likes it and she feels like if we get that a, we don't have to worry about gas prices. Open up the straight of Hermus. Close the Straight of Hermus. It doesn't matter. I'm plugging my car in like a fucking phone charger and she can so we can eliminate gas prices. And Jasmine feels like with the self driving buttons she can now get herself. These cops are gonna have a problem with this. She feels like she can get herself to and from a place. Like she could just put in an address. She could just put in an address and the car will take her there and she feels less scared about driving that way. So this family will most likely be getting a Tesla as long as someone can take my Infiniti QX80 for 820amonth with possible thousand dollar incentive off our hands. And we will then be jumping into a white Tesla, which I've always told Giannis his white Tesla looks like the wife of a firefighter's car. But it's going to work for me and my family. So Giannis told me what he, what he hopes. I, he told me, he keeps telling me to get the Tesla Y. That's the base model, that's what you want. That has the self driving. He goes, but knowing you and the way that you and your family operate, you're going to get the Tesla X just because the doors open up like, you know, Marty McFly and back to the Future. And he was like, don't get the Tesla X. So I told Jasmine, we're going to get the Tesla Y. And what was her response? She was like, but the Tesla X doors look nice. I'm joking. Hold on, let me get my salt water. Hold on, guys. I've been doing new material every single Thursday in New York City at New York Comedy club on East 24th Street. 6pm shows, 8:30pm shows. Most have sold out. So go get the tikiwikis right now. Chrisdcomedy.com we have fun, get involved. It's a very small club, so keep up close and personal. There was a woman the other day who just had her boobs out and I talked about that for a while and now I've gotten in trouble for my family. Also, if you want to see some of the bigger shows, June 26th, 27th, I am at in Stamford at Stanford Comedy Club, New York Comedy Club of Stanford. Those tickets are almost sold out, so go get them if you're up in that area. And then August 28th, 29th, Atlantic City Comedy Club in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Chrisdcomedy.com for all those tiki Wikis. I should be adding shows in London for the month of July. Absolutely. Yes, sir. Did somebody just yell? Chrissy? Go to chrisdcomedy.com get the tickies.
- [38:18]
Vito
So you and Giannis broke up a few years ago. Do you have any advice for the new recent breakup, Akash and Schultz.
- [38:24]
Chris Distefano
Whoa. I saw that. I saw. Akash is no longer on the Flagrant 2 podcast. Akash, good friend of the Chrissy Chaos show, good friend of the History of Hyena show. What I would say is this is. I don't really know actually what's going on with them personally. I would assume it's not great if they're no longer on the show, but, you know, they seem like they've handled it professionally, publicly, which is nice. I think that's what Giannis and I did as well. But I would say the advice I would have is if you can, if you can at all repair your friendship publicly, professionally is a different thing. But if you could repair your friendship, I would try to do that if it's at any way salvageable. Because what you realize is when you're with someone for so long, and then you have, like, a breakup and you're not talking. You carry the weight of that for a long time, and you start. It starts to kind of wear on you, and you start to kind of go over, what did I do wrong? What did I do right? Unless you're a sociopath and you don't care at all. But neither of them are sociopaths. Well, maybe one is, But I would say repair things on a friend level, if possible, because you realize at the end of the day that the reason why you started the podcast in the first place was always because you were good friends and that what was shining through, and that's what me and Giannis did, is, you know, we broke up, and then we repaired our friendship little by little, and then we started the podcast again. And I actually feel like that the breakup for Giannis and I brought us closer together as friends, because now those things that bothered us about each other, we've kind of gotten out in the open, and we've kind of. It's almost like a marriage. Like, we've accepted each other in sickness and in health. You know what I mean? There's things. We both have our flaws. We both have our good things and bad things about each other, and now we just accept each. Accept each other, you know, truly and totally. And I think that if at any point Aakash and Andrew could get flagrant back together, maybe not tomorrow, or that it would be better. It would be. It would be a good thing. Because I know now that the. I almost am, like, thankful for the breakup because I feel that not only is the relationship stronger as friends, but because of that, the show is stronger. And then I also think it shows that. I think that's what a test of friendship is. It's like, you know, that taxicab almost drove straight into me, just so, you know, and just know the last words of my dying as I, crushed to death by taxicab, would have said, go to ChristieComedy.com and see my new material. But I think that what it showed is, like, when you light a bird, you know, what do they say? Let a bird out of its cage if it comes back, you know, it's true love type thing. That type thing where, like, we're stronger now. You know, we figured things out about each other now we took a little break. Now we're back together. But I would say that's only going to work if both of you are open and willing to do it, and one of you isn't a sociopath but it does suck that they broke up or it doesn't. I don't know. I mean, obviously they're both doing great, you know, So I know it'll be the talk of the podcast community for a couple of weeks, but then, like, anything else, here's my also advice. Anything else. It's about a week or two, and then nobody cares. Then truly, nobody cares. All the comments that I used to get about history hyenas with Giannis, and they just started to go away. It just stops. It just stops because people don't care. The thing is, people don't really care about you. They don't really care. Everybody plays pretend nobody cares. People worry about their own thing. People are worried about their own life. You know, even though we're all connected spiritually, universally, I believe we're all one. That's not the way our brains work. I don't know if it's a survival mechanism. I don't know what it is, but most people don't care. So. Yeah. And my advice for Akash and Andrew would also be to come on the Chrissy Chaos Bus. Come to the Chrissy Chaos Bus and get banged with podcasts.
- [42:30]
Vito
Dude, you should. The way that a certain person harassed you and Giannis to have your reunion on their podcast.
- [42:37]
Chris Distefano
Oh, my God. We should do that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, we should do that. And then for that episode, we'll call it Live from the Wendy Williams Bus.
- [42:47]
Vito
Do you want to give backstory on that?
- [42:49]
Chris Distefano
That's right, dude. Good. Dude, that guy looks like Andrew Santino in 20 years.
- [42:54]
Vito
Do you want to give backstory on that?
- [42:55]
Chris Distefano
What?
- [42:56]
Vito
That. Schultz kept trying to get you to do the reunion?
- [42:58]
Chris Distefano
Oh, yeah, yeah. Schultze kept trying to get me and Giannis to do the reunion on Flagrant ii. So, yeah, now that. That is actually a great idea. I'm gonna group tech Schultze with Giannis and be like, dude, come on the chaos Bus. Come in the trunk. Or come on history hyenas and tell us to scoop. No, I don't care. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. I would. I. I actually was gonna text Andrew or Akash today and see if they want to come on the pod, but I would be the type of person that. I wouldn't even bring that up, even though that's what the fans would want to hear about. I just wouldn't bring it up.
- [43:27]
Vito
No, you would. I also feel like you wouldn't.
- [43:29]
Chris Distefano
You're.
- [43:30]
Vito
You don't like to bring things up, like, out of Nowhere. And you wouldn't be able to figure out a way to segue into it.
- [43:34]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. And I also just don't want people to feel uncomfortable if they brought it up. If they brought it up, I'd do it. You think this school bus. Look at this school bus. You think we're getting clipped right now? I gotta be honest with you. That's a school bus. You're going to school. I don't know if you could see the driver. Did you get any.
- [43:55]
Vito
The driver, you might be able to.
- [43:56]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. So he was a what looked like a Chinese man with Rex Spec glasses. And I don't think that I'm going to let my child get into the bus with a man like that. Not only is the stereotype Asians are bad drivers, but then you have goggles on like you. Like, you haven't been able to see since the moment you opened your eyes. You can't see. And you're also. Your eyes are also already Asian. So I just want to say, even though I'm sure you're a nice person, I would not let you. I would not let my child on
- [44:23]
Vito
the bus with you.
- [44:25]
Chris Distefano
Imagine he was backing up that school bus right now to just tell me to go fuck myself.
- [44:35]
Vito
Oh, talk about going to the Knicks
- [44:36]
Chris Distefano
game the other night. Dude went to the Knicks game the other night. I'm gonna send you the video. Remind me of the most shocking thing. First of all, two things happened. Did they show the ball getting stuck? They showed that on television. Yeah. Okay, so I had front row seats to watch Andre Drummond of the Philadelphia 76ers try and get the ball out because it got stuck between. Do that again. Yeah, do that again. I had front row seats to see Andre Drummond on the Philadelphia Sixers. Philadelphia 76 is trying to get the ball out.
- [45:06]
Vito
Keep doing that.
- [45:07]
Chris Distefano
Okay, like this. He was trying to get the ball out from between the shot clock and the backboard. And then Karl Anthony Town, he couldn't find. Figure it out. And then Karl Anthony Towns ran over and he went like that and just did it a little faster. And he knocked the ball out. And the crowd went crazy. And it was unbelievable. It was just a lot of that. And then. And then. And then we were all saying, where's Joel Embiid? We knew he was hurt, but you would think a guy like Joel Embiid would be sitting on the bench, at least with his team. And then all of a sudden, I think the fourth quarter show. The fourth quarter starts and we see Joel Embiid walk out to The Philadelphia Center, 76ers bench, which was right there, was like five feet away from us, wearing Philadelphia 76ers sweatshirt, sweatpants, and UGG slippers that he was stepping on the back of with no shoes or socks. And the back of this man's feet, I've never seen anything like it. Show that video right now of what Joel Embiid's feet look like, and you could just tell that Joel Embiid, even though he's a phenomenal player and, you know, obviously was one of the best players. Players ever, he just looks injured, like. He just looks like a guy that's in pain, unfortunately. He just looks like his back hurts, his knee hurts, his butt hurts, his feet hurt. You know, if you're walking around with the back of your feet out of your shoes, that's not good.
- [46:22]
Vito
He has that Andre the Giant look.
- [46:23]
Chris Distefano
He has that Andre the Giant look. He does. He looks like it's like a chrome Magnum. Like he looks like him and Chet Holgram from the Thunder. They both look like they have conditions. I think Chet Holgram has a condition, right? Marfan syndrome.
- [46:35]
Vito
Oh, yeah.
- [46:36]
Chris Distefano
He's got to have something.
- [46:37]
Vito
Yo, what do you think about hantavirus?
- [46:38]
Chris Distefano
Dude, Dude. Hantavirus. You want to know what I think about hantavirus? First of all, it sounds German.
- [46:47]
Vito
Stop.
- [46:47]
Chris Distefano
I know, I know. I keep forgetting where we are. Oh, look at this. 6,360 square feet, ground floor. 3,268 square feet, selling the lower level. Nice. Here he is. He's back. Doing good, sir. Doing good, man. Getting his steps in. He's good. That's it. Oh, wow. This guy's got camera equipment, too. That's right, dude. What are you using? So, what do I think of the hantavirus? You ready for this? I think that the hantavirus is. First of all, if you look at the conspiracy theories, the hantavirus, like, page 38,000 of the documents that they released about the COVID virus, they say hantavirus is a side effect or is a potential problem from the COVID vaccine. That's number one. So I think the hantavirus, it's all connected. Fauci. Number two, I think with all these alien documents being released, which people are saying this is just the government reverse engineering alien spacecraft, that all this stuff rolling out is not real aliens, that it's a false flag for something else. I think that false flag could be the hantavirus. I think they're going to release the hantavirus. This has a 40% mortality rate. So buckle up for a new vaccine. I think Pfizer and Moderna are just getting ready to roll out a new type of pandemic that's even 10 times as deadly as Covid. And that's going to be called the Hantavirus. And I'm waiting for 2028, 2029-20. Travis Kelce would be the spokesperson of the new Moderna hantavirus vaccine. So I think that it's all connected and I don't think that it's a coinky dink that the Hantavirus is getting released and also the alien documents are getting released. I think that we've been saying this for years now, that these alien conspiracies are, you know, the U.S. you know, the government. I mean, dude, never forget that two years ago the Mexican government, I don't care what you say about Mexico. I mean, it is at least close to a first world country. If anything below us, you want to give it to second world country. They already did like the prep. Like their top government already showed the. Already showed the bodies of the aliens that they had. So it's like, what do you think, dude? You think like those weren't real aliens? Yeah, they were. It's just the government, so we have transparency. It's just they're releasing it in a way right now where it's making you think that they're doing it all nice and slow. But it's just to get people ready because they said that they had to meet with all the religious leaders because they were saying like, what is this going to do to religion? And for me it's like, well, then I'll just accept that Jesus was an alien then that'll just make me accept that Jesus was Chinese.
- [49:29]
Vito
Dude, how much would hantavirus have fucking torn apart in impractical Jokers Cruise?
- [49:33]
Chris Distefano
Dude, let me tell you something. The impractical Jokers cruise that I went on had, you know, the fattest people I've ever seen in my life. And the hantavirus, which has a 40% mortality rate, would have killed every single person on that cruise ship except Sal. Because Sal can never die. Sal can never die. And I know that's the reason why I wouldn't kill Sal is because knowing the way, knowing what I know about Sal is if he knew any type of, he would take every hantavirus precaution known to man. I mean, whatever it is, 17 N95 masks, vaccines, hand sanitizer. I mean, Sal bathes in hand sanitizer. So I think that the Hantavirus would have taken out everybody on that impractical joker's cruise. And what is the deal with the hantavirus? Cruise? Did the hantavirus. Did they let those people off the cruise ship yet?
- [50:20]
Vito
I don't know if they've been let off yet, but.
- [50:22]
Chris Distefano
What?
- [50:22]
Vito
Four people died? Three people died.
- [50:23]
Chris Distefano
Four people died. They said, yeah, That's a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, that's a lot of people. And I don't know, was it bad with, like, they vomiting blood? Like what? You know, I don't even know what the symptoms are.
- [50:33]
Vito
The symptoms are like muscle aches, fever.
- [50:36]
Chris Distefano
Have it. Yeah.
- [50:38]
Vito
Like, it's everything you'd expect. It's like everything from COVID but it
- [50:41]
Chris Distefano
just hits you harder. Yeah, dude, what about this? Vito told me because I got. When I was going to the Knicks game the other night, I. I was eating at Prince Street Pizza. And if you've ever been to Prince Street Pizza in the city, shout out Prince Street Pizza.
- [50:53]
Vito
You went back to Prince street or. That was from when we filmed with Nick.
- [50:56]
Chris Distefano
No, I went back to Prince Street Pizza. This is two nights ago. I went back to Prince Street Pizza. And I'll send you a picture of this. Just. Just remind me. I'll send you the picture. I was eating pizza. You stand up and eat the pizza there. And I was eating a nice, juicy, saucy Sicilian, and I was wearing these white New Balances, and a piece of sauce landed right in the middle of my shoe. And I got Prince Street Pizza sauce all over my shoe. Going to sit at the Knicks game. And I was like, I can't be at the Knicks game courtside with sauce stain on my shoe. So I called Vito to FaceTime and I went to the New Balance store, and I said, what shoes should I buy? And he told me these. These new balance 992s. And I gotta tell you, I gotta report back to you right now. Even from my triangle, isosceles triangle, regular pizza slice feet, these are the most comfortable sneakers I think I've ever worn in my life. They're significantly more comfortable than the 990s. So I don't know what the difference is between the 992s and the 990s, but the New Balance 992s are significantly more comfortable than the 990s. And I gotta tell you, this feel, this is like. This is what the cool older guys, like, the 1% billionaires that live in this area code, that live in this zip code, this is what they wear, right? This Is like a cooler old guy shoe, or you think not Vito?
- [52:10]
Vito
I don't think. I would say, like, millennial dad, Right?
- [52:14]
Chris Distefano
And see, everyone's got the on clouds on. I like on clouds. I just got myself the Roger Federer. On clouds.
- [52:19]
Vito
On clouds. Did a collab with Kith. Too sick.
- [52:22]
Chris Distefano
Kith. My man Ronnie. I see him at the Knicks games. I did a. I did one collab with Ronnie and was never heard from again. I did one kid collab, but I did get a bunch of free shit. Yeah. What's up, dude? That guy's a pa. He's in the biz. Here we go. Yeah, let's get her on. Yeah, that'd be great. If she just comes over here and destroys our camera equipment.
- [52:44]
Vito
You got to be careful. You don't want to be. You don't want to be Opie with the. The cake.
- [52:48]
Chris Distefano
With the what?
- [52:48]
Vito
Opie with the cake.
- [52:50]
Chris Distefano
What? All right. When he smashed that homeless person's cake. Yeah, no, Opie doesn't live far from here. I would probably. Does he still live here?
- [52:56]
Vito
Does he live.
- [52:56]
Chris Distefano
Maybe. Actually probably moved.
- [52:57]
Vito
I think he lives on Long island, right?
- [52:59]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, he probably moved out there, but. But, yeah, so.
- [53:03]
Vito
And yeah, you can say he. I mean, we're in New York.
- [53:05]
Chris Distefano
I mean, we're in New York City.
- [53:06]
Vito
Fucking De Niro lives a few blocks from here.
- [53:08]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, dude, De Niro. We know exactly where De Niro lives.
- [53:10]
Vito
What if we just started doxxing celebrities where they live?
- [53:13]
Chris Distefano
Like mom, Donnie? Dude, should we get. Do you know a good lunch spot around here? I always want to get a sandwich when I'm with you.
- [53:20]
Vito
I can think about it. I can figure out one when we finish.
- [53:24]
Chris Distefano
I've been taking these.
- [53:26]
Vito
Mama's 2 isn't far from here. The original.
- [53:27]
Chris Distefano
Love Mama's 2. But I've been having pizza the last two days because I upped the dose of my retatrutide foolishly. So I'm not going to do that again. I upped it to 2 milligrams. I was taking, like, 1 or 1.5, and I did 2, and. And now it's been so hard for me to eat that I've just started eating anything I could not prioritizing protein and just eating pizza. So I'm gonna go down. I think I'm actually gonna get off it. I think I'm just gonna get off it because I was just like. I just feel stupid taking it, and I just feel like I like to be hungry. I like to eat. But I bought a Jeremy Lin jersey yesterday. In the NBA store. And I was gonna wear it. I was gonna wear it to. Thank you. Appreciate you hitting the squeaks, brother. Thanks. I like that he slowed down his messenger bike just immediately in our microphones. Thank you. So I bought a jeremy lin jersey at the NBA store Because I said to myself, if I'm going to be on chinese peptides, Then I need to support the chinese players. So I bought a jeremy lin old school New York knicks jersey. And you know what I realized? I only have two knicks jerseys. I have a old school Patrick ewing and a Jeremy lin jersey. I have a lot of baseball jerseys, But I don't have a lot of basketball jerseys Because I've always been insecure about my upper arm. Not my lower arm, but I've always been insecure about my. I always feel like I have an upper fat arm.
- [54:48]
Vito
Your tricep, you mean?
- [54:49]
Chris Distefano
And my shoulders. Like, I just feel like. You know, because, like, look, I feel like when I put on this. Oh, hold on. Look, when I put on this all saints shirt, like, I'm not bad anymore, right? Like. Like, this shirt up here kind of makes me look like I have big shoulders. A little bit, right? A little bit. What do you think? Yeah, like. Like, you would look at me and say, oh, that guy. He's kind of like, he's all right. He's in shape. What do you think?
- [55:22]
Vito
Yeah, you look good. You look great.
- [55:24]
Chris Distefano
Hold on.
- [55:27]
Vito
You have good. You have good chest to shoulders.
- [55:28]
Chris Distefano
Can you see them moving? Yeah, but, like, not independently.
- [55:33]
Vito
No, they move each one damn together.
- [55:36]
Chris Distefano
All right. Look at this. Do you even notice this? You thought it was just a black jacket, Knicks logo on it. I bought that at the NBA store, too, with the Jeremy lin jersey. So this. So what I'm doing now is this is what I always do. I buy something like, I'm the guy who. I'll buy like, a jacket or, like, a shirt, and I'll wear it every day. Do you do that like or do you not. Do you not like to. Or like sneakers? I wear them every day.
- [56:01]
Vito
I am the person who. If I like the look of something, I'll buy five different colors of it.
- [56:06]
Chris Distefano
Really? Or the. Or like the. Like this all saints shirt. I like the cut of it.
- [56:11]
Vito
Yeah. So I buy seven colors of that.
- [56:13]
Chris Distefano
Seven colors, right. But this shirt's $100. That's the problem. So where can I get a shirt that's. I like all saints, but not all saints?
- [56:19]
Vito
TikTok.
- [56:20]
Chris Distefano
TikTok. Quince. Quince is a great company.
- [56:23]
Vito
This is comfort colors. The shirt I'm wearing.
- [56:26]
Chris Distefano
And do you feel like it's wide and boxy and kind of makes you look comfortable? Yeah, because I don't like shirts. Like, I used to wear. The company Built Bylt. I used to wear that. And then I stopped wearing their shirts because the cut kind of got down. No, don't talk about them.
- [56:42]
Vito
No, there's a. They, like, always jump on and off of being sponsored, so I wouldn't talk about Bilt.
- [56:47]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, well, you know what? Yeah, but I don't like them because it always gets personal. Like, I don't like them because, like, we were, like, having these good conversations about, like, doing a collab and because they were saying how, like, Brendan Schaub did something and then they were thinking of me. They were like, oh, we should do something with you. And I was, like, talking to these guys about it, like, the built guys. And then they just stopped returning my calls. I just don't. I don't like that they just stopped returning my calls. That happened with my peptide guy. Isn't that weird?
- [57:16]
Vito
Yeah, elaborate on that for me.
- [57:17]
Chris Distefano
I was getting. I was getting peptides from this guy, and we were talking, and I reached out to him on Instagram and we were like. He was like, yeah, you know, I was like, you know, dude, I'm willing to pay. I love your content, because his content really is good. And I was like, I love your content, you know, because he's so informative about peptides. And so I reached out to him and we connected. And then he was like, yeah, dude. Like, we got on the phone for an hour, went over, like, blood work. We went over, like, he sent me all these peptides. I was like, dude, I want like a, you know, like a weightlifting program. Like, again, what do I have to pay? Like, I really want to, you know, immerse myself in this. And he's like, dude, you're going to be one of the athletes for our company. Like, we have people in entertainment. We have athletes. So I said, great. So he was like, I'm sending you your workout plan. So then, like, three days went by, no workout plan. And I was like, hey, man, just checking in, you know, what's up, you know, blah, blah, blah. He was like, dude, going to get it to you tomorrow. And then I was like, okay. Never comes. Never comes. And then the peptides came, and I had some questions, of course, about the peptides. I was like, hey, like, you know, can I mix this with that? What's the dosage? Like, I don't want to Just go off chatgpt like you're an expert. He was like, dude, just do this. Like just do 1.25 milligrams of this and that. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, should I. Cause he gave me like a login code. And then that was like a month ago. And he still never sent me my muscle workout program. I called him a week and a half ago and just left a message. I've texted him twice and he just completely ghosted me.
- [58:48]
Vito
Did you buy peptides from him?
- [58:49]
Chris Distefano
No, he sent me everything for free. So do you have any type of idea, like maybe you could have nefarious stuff. What do you mean? Well, maybe. Would you not be taking these peptides?
- [59:00]
Vito
Maybe he was selling illegal peptides and
- [59:02]
Chris Distefano
he's like, let me get away from this now.
- [59:03]
Vito
And he got caught. What if he's in jail?
- [59:05]
Chris Distefano
No, because he's still posting content.
- [59:07]
Vito
Oh, shit. Yeah. What if he just gave you bad shit and he's just like, I'm kind of drop the bomb and get out.
- [59:13]
Chris Distefano
Is it bad if we said his name? Probably. Why say his name?
- [59:16]
Vito
I don't say his name. I don't think he's gonna do anything.
- [59:18]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, but it's. I want. I was actually thinking about that the other day. I was like, should I not be taking this guy's peptides if he's. If he's. You know, I would say the guy from the Internet, but he has like a legit company.
- [59:29]
Vito
I would. I would argue I would not take peptides from anybody that I describe as this guy.
- [59:34]
Chris Distefano
Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, good. That's a good point. Yeah. Although the peptides did come from a doctor. It says like Dr. Something on it.
- [59:45]
Vito
You know, before you were talking about how the hantavirus could be blamed from the COVID vaccine. And here you are taking peptides from some random men.
- [59:54]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, that is true. That is true. I am Chrissy Flip Flops. But I can't. Let me. Let me. Without giving the name. Let me see, like did. Because he would send me. He did send me a voice note once about how he had like the worst day ever about like something with his car and going to Boston. And I was like, what? So he was like a little weird like that. And then he wanted to like go get dinner with. With me. And I said, sure. And then it, like just then he kept telling me, like, dude, I don't have any adult friends. He kept telling me he has no adult friends and that it's really hard for him to Want friends? He was like, so let me see if you could be a friend. And I was like, huh? On Tuesday, April 14, he said, I will add your lifestyle program for you tomorrow. It's early May. And then he said, start with the Retta with 10 units. I have it on there. 17 units this, then week two, you can go to 17. You'll be fine at 17, even if you wanted to. I'm using it now. I said, thank you. And then eight days later, I said, I never got the workout plan. I've been doing stuff on my own. What? Can you call me back? And then. And then he just sent me, like, yeah, like, he sent me these voice notes about, like, I asked him for Peptides. And then. And then he sent me a voice note. He goes, hey, dude, I just had a whole family ordeal. I'll tell you about that. Another day. I can't stand my family anyway. I'd hang out with them all day. I hung out with them all day. And no, they don't offer to pay. My dogs were alone. We came back from being out that day and usually don't leave the dogs that long anyway, you know, four to six hours. And then he's telling me, and then he goes, and then my dog had a fucking stomach virus. Didn't feel good. Long story short, went back to the vet, they fucking rolled me again. And then basically what happens is, I guess, I don't know, he must have picked up something. Fucking French bulldogs. $6,000 later. Hi. Hi. I love you. Thank you. There she is. Beautiful. Love you. Thank you so much. Yeah, that's it. That's. Yeah. I don't know who that lady is, but I did not expect her to know me when this is Jasmine closing the trunk because I just hugged a woman on camera.
- [62:09]
Vito
When somebody says, I know you, I love you, but doesn't give you any context, does it? Piece, you wonder, like, did they mix you up with somebody?
- [62:16]
Chris Distefano
1,000%. That woman thought I was Ellen DeGeneres. No way. There's no way that that lady knew who I was. Or she just came to hug me to give me the hantavirus. That's also another thing she'd do. But that voice, that voice note I was reading, he sounds crazy, unhinged.
- [62:30]
Vito
I would not deal with that person.
- [62:31]
Chris Distefano
So you wouldn't even. You wouldn't reach out and say, hey, dude, I've been trying to get in touch. Don't do any of it.
- [62:36]
Vito
No, that's fucking an unhinged message to send to somebody that you barely know. I mean, he did send you a bunch of drugs and stuff, so maybe he thinks you're closer than you are.
- [62:44]
Chris Distefano
Right.
- [62:44]
Vito
You should never get too close to your drug dealer.
- [62:46]
Chris Distefano
So you would say, forget about that guy?
- [62:48]
Vito
Yeah, I would.
- [62:49]
Chris Distefano
I would argue checking your pulse. Come on, let me check it. Let me get on. He was checking his pulse. I mean, I'll tell you right now if you're good. Come on. Here, get on now. Here. This is what we do. This is called the radial pulse. All right, hold on. Being a minute. No, no, no, no. You got. You're about 96. You going for a little workout? Yeah, about two. Nice, dude. Big fan, man. You. Are you. Thank you. Frank, is it Fred. Fred. I knew it's pretty good. That's pretty cool. I could tell by your PT questions.
- [63:15]
Vito
Huh? Do you have any PT questions?
- [63:17]
Chris Distefano
I don't right now. No. Well, dude, good, man. You're going good. And your pulse is good. Good. I just became a dad, so I'm like, congratulations, man. Dude. Baby girl. Dude. I know all about it. I knew the universe was going to give me a daughter. That's it. And you got nice, soft hands. That's it, dude. Appreciate it, man. Dude. All right. Have a great workout. All right, brother. Great pulse, too. Appreciate it, my man. And I could tell by your pulse, I knew your name was going to begin with an F. Good job, Freddie.
- [63:48]
Vito
It feels like we just need to start more around the afternoon.
- [63:51]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. Right? This is just. Yeah. That guy had the softest hands. I mean, his hands felt like his baby. How many minutes in are we, by the way?
- [63:58]
Vito
We're at an hour.
- [63:59]
Chris Distefano
Really? Yeah, dude. That flew fucking by.
- [64:01]
Vito
Yeah.
- [64:03]
Chris Distefano
So, okay, so basically, wait, back to
- [64:05]
Vito
just people, like, being confused with who you are sometimes. Did I tell you that? For the first few months we worked together, my mom genuinely thought I was working with Sebastian Maniscalco.
- [64:16]
Chris Distefano
Isn't she embarrassed? Could you imagine? You were like, yes, Sebastian Maniscalco is doing a podcast out of the trunk of his car.
- [64:27]
Vito
Like, she sent me a clip of Sebastian Maniscalco and said, isn't this your boss?
- [64:31]
Chris Distefano
You should have just said yes. Do you think. Do you think. Do you think, honestly, if you just said, yes, Mom. Yes. That's who it is. And then one day, like, I met her, she would just think I was Sebastian Maniscal.
- [64:43]
Vito
Yeah, she was just at that point,
- [64:44]
Chris Distefano
just, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so. So, like, if Sebastian Maniscalco and he's, like, doing the arena, you. She would think that that's me. She's like, no, My son works for him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and tell everyone your son works, and then it's me. And they're like, what the fuck?
- [64:57]
Vito
She could probably meet you and Sebastian Maniscalco a day apart and still think you were the same person. And you don't look anything alike.
- [65:01]
Chris Distefano
No, we don't look anything alike. But I honestly, I like women like that. I like people like that who like. She don't give a shit. I really respect that about your mom. She don't care. She didn't give a shit at all.
- [65:11]
Vito
She just heard an Italian name.
- [65:12]
Chris Distefano
Doesn't matter. Raised you in a studio apartment with illegal wall up. Yes, since the 80s.
- [65:18]
Vito
My dad built it.
- [65:19]
Chris Distefano
Dad built it. RIP Big Papi. Dad's a good dude. Tell you what, the hantavirus don't stop. Your dad don't give a fuck. No, your dad and Jasmine's dad might be hanging out right now. You ever think about that?
- [65:33]
Vito
Maybe.
- [65:34]
Chris Distefano
Was your dad buried or cremated?
- [65:37]
Vito
Cremated.
- [65:37]
Chris Distefano
Should we get their urns together and get him on a pod?
- [65:39]
Vito
Well, his is in a mausoleum.
- [65:41]
Chris Distefano
Whoa. Why'd you put him in there?
- [65:43]
Vito
Like, he's in, like, the wall.
- [65:45]
Chris Distefano
Yeah, but don't you take the urn? Like, why don't you take the urn?
- [65:48]
Vito
I think he's in the wall.
- [65:50]
Chris Distefano
Oh, so he's not cremated then.
- [65:52]
Vito
Yeah, I know. They. I think they cremate and put them in the wall.
- [65:54]
Chris Distefano
No. Why would they burn their bodies to ashes and then put them in the wall? His body's in the wall.
- [65:58]
Vito
Some people just want to be cremated. Some people don't want to be a boy.
- [66:01]
Chris Distefano
Why wouldn't you take his ashes home?
- [66:02]
Vito
And I don't think you put bodies in the wall, do you?
- [66:05]
Chris Distefano
You put bodies in the wall.
- [66:06]
Vito
I thought bodies only went in the ground. They don't put bodies in the wall. Do you know how that.
- [66:12]
Chris Distefano
Why would they keep the bag of ashes in a wall? Why wouldn't you just take it home?
- [66:16]
Vito
Because some people want to be at a cemetery.
- [66:22]
Chris Distefano
Let me ask you this, okay? Here's an idea for Mother's Day, okay? Jasmine told me once in passing that there's a place not far from us that takes cremated remains out of the urn and makes them into little glass hearts or pendants. Should I do that for Jasmine and turn her father into a glass pendant?
- [66:39]
Vito
Well, you have two days.
- [66:43]
Chris Distefano
Should I go there and say, we need a rush job?
- [66:45]
Vito
What about Father's Day? That might make more sense.
- [66:47]
Chris Distefano
That's a good point. Well, we're getting married on Father's day.
- [66:49]
Vito
Oh, yeah, I know.
- [66:50]
Chris Distefano
Should I bring the urn? Should I walk down the aisle with the urn?
- [66:54]
Vito
Oh, it'd be nice to bring the urn.
- [66:55]
Chris Distefano
Yeah. Right. All right.
- [66:56]
Vito
Hey, what if I'm like, what if I'm a ring bearer for the urn? What if I just accompany the earn out for you?
- [67:01]
Chris Distefano
Actually, that's a good. That's. That's a good moment. Right there is. I can get it done without her knowing. Well, and then. And then bring her. She doesn't watch the show. And then bring her. And then bring. On the day of the wedding, say, I wanted your father to be here. Put it on the neck.
- [67:17]
Vito
That's a good move.
- [67:18]
Chris Distefano
That's a great move, dude. Smooth. And then that way because I really am having strong. He's. Oh, by the way, you know what? We're going to save this for the next episode. But next episode I do want to talk about how I think it's okay that chat GPT is writing my wedding vows and Jasmine doesn't. We'll be right back.