Chrissy vs All The Haters in His Comments | Chris Distefano is Chrissy Chaos

Summary

Podcast Summary: Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos
Episode: "Chrissy vs All The Haters in His Comments"
Release Date: December 17, 2024

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1. Addressing Haters and Personal Challenges [00:00 - 02:06]

Chris Distefano opens the episode by confronting listeners who criticized him for labeling the previous episode as "lazy." He reveals that the absence was due to a tragic death in his family, emphasizing his commitment despite personal setbacks.

"People who got mad at me calling last week's episode lazy... I had yet another death in my family... So fuck you if you said that I'm lazy because I'm not."
[00:45]

2. Transition to Knicks City Dancers [02:06 - 08:30]

In response to nearly being demonetized for his controversial episode, Chris shares his decision to join the Knicks City Dancers to support his family, highlighting the unexpected turns in his career.

"Now you’ve made me a gay kid that runs around and throws T-shirts."
[03:30]

He humorously describes his new role, including performing at Madison Square Garden and engaging in antics like backflips and shooting T-shirts from a gun.

3. Attending the Knicks Game with John and Interacting with Real Housewives [08:30 - 20:32]

Chris, along with co-hosts Vito and John, recount their experience attending a Knicks game. John catches the attention of Luann De Lesseps, a prominent Real Housewife, leading to humorous interactions and discussions about her background.

"She was feeling your leg. That's awesome."
[09:38]

Jasmine, presumably Chris's spouse, joins the conversation to provide insights into Luann's charismatic and flirtatious nature, adding depth to the narrative.

4. Colonoscopy Prep and Personal Health Anecdotes [15:30 - 44:00]

Chris delves into his personal health journey, discussing his upcoming colonoscopy and the meticulous preparation required. He shares his anxieties about anesthesia and the rigorous prep process, engaging Vito and John in light-hearted banter about the ordeal.

"I got to take these tabs and then fill up this water with poop. No, I don't shit in it."
[42:47]

The conversation evolves into comedic strategies for enduring the prep, including fake scenarios and humorous ideas about involving his mother.

5. Discussions on Hair Implants and Celebrity Trends [44:00 - 66:00]

The hosts explore the trend of getting hair transplants in Turkey, speculating on why it's popular among celebrities and discussing the cost-effectiveness compared to domestic options.

"Turkey's the place everybody's going now. It's like a joke."
[65:28]

They mention various celebrities rumored to have undergone the procedure, blending factual information with comedic skepticism.

6. Drone Sightings and Conspiracy Theories [20:32 - 63:50]

A segment delves into recent drone sightings resembling planes over nuclear sites, sparking debates on whether they're advanced military drones or part of alien technology. Chris shares theories from his social circle, including possibilities of simulated alien invasions using holograms.

"They think a lot of alien technology. Whatever you want to believe, that is the new technology."
[25:45]

The discussion touches on public perception and media reporting standards, questioning the seriousness with which such phenomena are treated.

7. Human Evolution and the Impact of Modern Life [63:50 - 71:36]

Chris reflects on themes from the book Sapiens, discussing the evolution of the human brain relative to the body and contrasting ancient forager societies with modern agricultural settlers. He muses on how lifestyle changes have impacted physical and cognitive development.

"They actually think that when we, the original versions of us, hunter gatherers... had bigger brains than us."
[59:53]

This intellectual segment intertwines with personal anecdotes about his stepson, emphasizing the benefits of connecting with nature and traditional skills.

8. Interactions with Other Influencers and Personal Stories [66:00 - 73:10]

The hosts share experiences interacting with other comedians and influencers, such as Matt Rife and Young Gravy, highlighting missed opportunities and ongoing connections. They also recount humorous personal mishaps, including Vito's roommate incident involving mistaken beverages.

"I was like, oh, you know what I heard? Like, chugging it up through your butts."
[39:48]

The episode concludes with light-hearted banter about relationships, social media interactions, and upcoming personal events.

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Notable Quotes and Highlights

• Chris on Handling Negativity:
  "This is Chrissy chaos, okay? Part of this show is you don't know what you're going to get."
  [01:10]

• On Joining the Knicks Dancers:
  "I'm getting out there tonight at Madison Square Garden and I'm doing backflips and shooting T-shirts out of my gun."
  [03:20]

• Discussing Colonoscopy Prep Anxiety:
  "How do I make it stop? What? Slow down."
  [42:04]

• On Drone Sightings:
  "Aliens are watching it or the enemies of the state are watching it."
  [25:45]

• Human Evolution Insight:
  "The human brain ratio for the rest of our body is like the biggest on the planet."
  [59:51]

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Conclusion

In "Chrissy vs All The Haters in His Comments," Chris Distefano navigates through personal tribulations, career shifts, humorous anecdotes, and intellectual discussions. The episode blends raw emotion with comedy, offering listeners an unfiltered glimpse into Chris's chaotic yet authentic life. Engaging with co-hosts Vito and John, the trio navigates a myriad of topics, from health struggles and celebrity trends to conspiracy theories and human evolution, all while maintaining their signature humorous camaraderie.

Transcript

[Chris Distefano]

Instacart's deal week is coming up from December 17th to December 23rd. That means you can get up to 25% off holiday gifts for the whole family from stores like Sephora, Best Buy, petsmart and more. And you can get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Just think of it as Instacart's little gift to you. And while we're on the subject, why not get a little something for yourself, too? Shop deal week from December 17th to 23rd and save up to 25% on gifts. Discounts vary, minimum spend, maximum discount and exclusions apply. You know what? Here's the thing. People who got mad at me calling last week's episode lazy. Let me tell you something. First of all, I had yet another death in my family, okay? Young member of my family passed away tragically and suddenly. So I'm sorry I couldn't get to the episode, but I had to go to a funeral and help with a lot of things. So fuck you if you said that I'm lazy because I'm not. Second of all, what did you say? Debatable. She says, okay, then you could get on that side of the camera, Jazz, and you could be with these fans that said I'm lazy. Second of all, this is Chrissy chaos, okay? Part of this show is you don't know what you're going to get, okay? You don't know what you're going to get. So I put out an episode of my time on the road that, yeah, the audio wasn't great, but I thought it was something different, something new. And you people are complaining, okay? Third of all, because of how mad you guys got and how you almost demonetized my episode, now I work for the Nick City Dancers, okay? And now that's what I have to do to feed my family, is I'm getting out there tonight at Madison Square Garden and I'm doing backflips and shooting T shirts out of my gun and out of my T shirt gun. And that's just what I have to do now, okay? Now you've made me a gay kid that runs around and throws T shirts.

[Vito]

In all honesty, though, did you listen to the audio from the episode at all?

[Chris Distefano]

The audio was trash. The audio was trash. I'm not gonna lie. The audio was trash.

[Vito]

You could hear the dishes in the background more than you can. The guy opening for you.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you want it? Was trash. But again, I had a death in my family. I couldn't get to the episode, okay? And I'm sorry, but you're here for the chaos, ok? And now listen.

[Vito]

That is what's annoying though. Everybody fucking every week is like this. Used to be Christy Chaos. Used to be Christy Chaos. And then you do an episode in the fucking diner.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, what's more chaotic than that? It is still Christy Chaos, ok? What are you talking about? That's. You're paying for exactly what I'm giving you, ok? I'm doing episodes and diners. I'm working for the Nick City Dancers. I started History Hyenas again out of fucking nowhere. What do you want from me? How much more care? I moved my whole family to Queens to live in the old ladies rental house for the show. I uprooted their lives, I took them out of school. What do you want from me, you fucks? So that's. That's what I'm doing here, okay? Every day I'm getting kicked out. But what, but what do you want? You want more? All you people want. All you want to do is take. What are you giving? I'm giving you something. What are you giving? You're taking and I don't like it. What I want you to do is give to patreon.com Christie comedy, okay? Or I'll shut that fucking Patreon down too. I'll do it. I'll do it. And then you'll have to listen to this episode every week and I'll. And you. I'll be doing ads for Mando deodorant. That's what I'll do. Look at this here. Let's get comments. Let's go to Johnny Harris 1991, you fucking piece of shit. Johnny Harris, 1991. First of all, it's the gayest year in history to be born in 1991. You're so irrelevant. Jesus Christ, we couldn't attach microphones to each other for this? No. Who's honestly listening to an hour of back chatter in a restaurant? The production value for this podcast isn't fantastic, but at least try in a public place. If you're still gonna stick out, stick it out on a pod. Johnny Harris, 1991. How about this? How about I come over there and I mike your fucking nuts and then I feel go kick them. Would you like that? Johnny Harris, 1991. Or maybe because you're a fucking young kid born in 1991. Maybe. Maybe you had a sex change already. I'll kick you in your fucking post op pop then Young Bobby C. 13 hours says 13 hours ago says Chris, we love you dearly. This channel is falling apart. Listen, young Bobby C, you know what's falling apart? Your fucking profile picture. I don't even know what the hell that is. It's like. It looks like an exploding cake. Okay? That literally looks like the shit that I'm going to have to take after I do my colonoscopy prep, which I'm, by the way, I'm doing. Okay? Can't show the address I'm doing. I got to take these tablets because I'm preparing for a colonoscopy. And you know what? Maybe that. You know what? Maybe that'll be the podcast episode. How about the microphones? And then I'll have Vito and John mic up my asshole while I do a colonoscopy prep. Would that be good for you, Johnny? What is. What was his name again? Young Bobby C. Young Bobby C, dude. Young Bobby C, you know, you're. I can't believe. Here's the thing, okay? The production value is falling apart, but yet you still listen every week. Okay, so are you gonna eat? If you're gonna be on my nuts, then fucking suck them. Jeff Skibbs, bro, go the fuck home or to a studio and do real person shit and have a real conversation there. No one in their right mind wants to listen to background chatter. Most of the positive feedback in the comments are damn bots. Listen, Jeff Skibbs, you're probably right about the bots being most of the positive feedback, but you know what? Bots are people, too, even though they're not. And here's the thing. Don't go back up to him. What are you saying? Go the fuck, Homer. To a studio. Well, asshole, okay, because I wanted to give you all the Chrissy chaos. I've moved to multiple homes and multiple studios, and I've. I've got out in the lease early on all of them and had to pay fees to break leases for you to have fun with you. Okay, do real person shit and have a conversation there. What do you mean, real person shit? Like sitting in a diner isn't real person shit? You know that you're probably jerking off to the sounds of my choose, you fucking freak. Okay, no one in their right mind wants to listen to background chatter. Yeah, they do. Okay? You know, those people are called schizophrenics. All right, Jeff Skibbs, again, a stupid fucking name here. At least this is a good name. Big Woolly Mammoth. I like that. I like Big Woolly Mammoth. Maybe it's a name for your piece. He writes, don't ever do this again. It was infuriating to try and listen to I gave up five minutes in and skipped ahead to see if it got better. And then I threw my phone. I'm still actually angry from this. I hope your fucking phone broke. And I hope when you were going to chase your phone, you stepped in a puddle and rolled your fucking big dumb mammoth ankle and now you're walking around like veto with gout. I. Big woolly mammoth. I like your name. I seriously hope you go extinct like your fucking predecessor. Now it's snowing outside because that's how. Man, is that snow?

[Vito]

Yeah, it's snow.

[Chris Distefano]

It's fully snowing outside. Then. Anthony Allen, 1530. He writes. Great idea. Release podcast. You can barely hear. Anthony Allen, 1530. I could tell by your profile picture, everyone knows you're gay except you. Okay, Dude. I mean, look at your fucking face. You are literally. I mean, you literally look at. You're a gay. You're a gay man that probably sends me DMS under pseudonyms, and I probably respond to them with pictures of my dick. I'll see you on Grindr. Here we go. Jesus loves potatoes. Debatable. He was probably a Muslim. He probably did love potatoes, but he put a little hummus on him. Jesus loves potatoes. Shit. Content. If you don't want to do the podcast and don't do the podcast, you made a big mistake going to ymh. Why did they make a big mistake on ymh? Because you're a fucking follower and because you think you see other people commenting. Ymh. Oh, Tom Segura. He makes fun of poor people. Shut the fuck up and be a leader instead of a follower, you piece of shit. Okay. Jesus loves potatoes. You know what I hope? When you go to fucking heaven or when you die, I hope you actually go to hell. But when you die, I hope that on the way down to hell, Jesus rifles a fucking sweet potato right at the side of your head. That's what I hope. I hope you get hit with a yam, you fucking piece of shit. Jesus loves potatoes. Here's the thing. And I do want to do the podcast. That's why I'm doing it. Okay? And that's why I'm also moonlighting as a New York Knicks city dancer to make extra money to feed my family because I still want to do this podcast. I did not make a big mistake going to ymh. I absolutely did not. Your mom's house is a fun place to be a part of where I maybe made a little bit of a mistake is being public about it. That's maybe where I did but on the back end, it's pretty nice. Okay. And Jesus loves potatoes. I will give you credit. Isn't. Honestly, it's not a bad name. I don't hate it. I think it's kind of fun and inventive. But I do want you to fucking have. You know what I hope happens to you today? I hope you get a toothache. Just something that, like, annoys you for the whole day. Toothache, maybe a, you know, toenail your wife cheats on you, something. I just want something to fucking bother you today, so. But I appreciate all the mean comments.

[Vito]

Did that feel good?

[Chris Distefano]

It actually did feel good. It did feel good. And it probably lost us more listeners. But you know what? Honestly, working as a Knick City dancer, I feel this is what I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to do cartwheels and watch the Knicks run around. That's what it is.

[Vito]

How was the game that you guys went to together?

[Chris Distefano]

It was great. John was getting hit on by the Real Housewives of New York.

[John]

Yeah, very true.

[Chris Distefano]

Big time. They wanted John's piece bad.

[Vito]

Dude, why wouldn't you get them on the podcast?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I wanted to, but I just feel embarrassed asking. And John should have asked.

[John]

They did ask us what we were doing after the game.

[Chris Distefano]

Did they?

[John]

Yeah, they were. She was, like, feeling my leg.

[Chris Distefano]

She was feeling your leg? That's awesome.

[Vito]

Wait, which one was it?

[John]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna go to the next IG right now. I'm gonna find out.

[Chris Distefano]

John wasn't into her because she spoke English.

[John]

Yeah.

[Vito]

You said it was this one, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's her. Luanne Jazz. Do you know this one?

[Vito]

Countess Luanne?

[Chris Distefano]

No, but her face I've seen. She's famous, this lady.

[Vito]

She used to hook up with Keith Hernandez in the 80s.

[Chris Distefano]

Whoa. Luanne de Less Luann. Luann De Lesseps Lesseps. And Countess Luann.

[Vito]

Name on the show.

[Chris Distefano]

And how is she? She's a real housewife. She has. She has real money accountess, and she has real money.

[Vito]

She. I think she. Yeah, she has real money, dude. She's like. She's one of the og. Like, Real Housewives of New York.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Vito]

Like, people. People love her. She also has. She's a musician as well.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, So I like her. And then who was the other one?

[John]

Kelly. Ben Simon.

[Chris Distefano]

Kelly Ben Simon. Okay. They were, by the way, both very, very nice ladies.

[John]

Like, no, they really.

[Chris Distefano]

But they were absolutely trying to have sex with John. There's no doubt about it.

[Vito]

Talk. Wait, what what was their interaction with L. What was she saying to you?

[John]

She's like, hi.

[Chris Distefano]

How.

[John]

They asked me and Chris who we play for, and we like, what the.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, they thought the. The other one, the blonde one, Kelly Benson, thought I played hockey. Yeah. She was like, what hockey team are you on?

[John]

Yep. And they, you know, and I was.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, I don't know, baby, but you want to see my puck? Jasmine's holding a knife.

[John]

But, yeah, no, they're cool. I mean, they're very friendly. They, you know, wanted to know, like, about, like, like they didn't really understand the game. So they're like, why? Why are the Knicks winning? Do they have better strategy? And I'm like, yes.

[Chris Distefano]

Jaz is hating in the corner.

[Vito]

She's right.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, like, yeah. What?

[Vito]

They've never seen a basketball game in their life?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, it was one of those things. Yeah. I will say though, it was awesome to kind of sit there with John and John and I know, barely our phones out, just watch the game. And it was interesting because even though it's nice to get to know people at the game and all that, I was locked in on watching the game. I actually was having a great time. Watch the Knicks. Absolutely. Field goal kick the Pelicans. I mean, they were up by 45 at one point. And it was funny to just like watch John, like, watch his favorite team just get absolutely dismantled. Huh? She said Jasmine says field goal kick. Isn't it basketball? Yeah, it is, but I'm just kind.

[John]

Of a little sports talk radio.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I'm doing sports talk radio and I'm just kind of weaving in and out of my sports knowledge.

[Vito]

Yoga's also a basketball chamber.

[Chris Distefano]

Huh?

[Vito]

Yoga is also a basketball.

[Chris Distefano]

Field goal is also a basketball term. Yeah, see? Thanks, Jazz. Why don't you just shut up and make the wreath Now? Let me ask you a question, John. If you were single, would you have entertained hanging out with the Real Housewives? Maybe.

[John]

You know, they definitely were loaded for sure. That could have been.

[Chris Distefano]

They have to be. Where does their money come from? Do we know where their tv, I think.

[John]

And they probably were like dating a famous.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I was going to say, how did they. How did they become the Real Housewives? How did they even get on the radar to be filmed for.

[John]

I'm the wrong guy to ask that question to.

[Chris Distefano]

Jasmine doesn't know either. Does Vito know? Vito? If any. Nobody has. I feel like Vito's knowledge of TV is the same as like a 25 year old white girl living in the suburbs. It started with Wives of athletes.

[Vito]

Well, no, it started like this. This world started with the real. The Real Housewives of Orange county was the first one. Because after the oc, The TV show started. Remember, there was this craze about, like, Orange County.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Vito]

And you got, like, the real lagoon, the real oc, Laguna Beach.

[Chris Distefano]

That I remember.

[Vito]

Then you got the Real Housewives of Orange county. And then that's how that empire started to build. But Countess Luanne. Let's look up. Let's look up.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's look up how this woman came into power again. Very, very nice woman. These two ladies were really, really.

[John]

Nurse.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, look at this.

[John]

Connecticut.

[Vito]

She was a practical nurse.

[Chris Distefano]

She was a nurse. Jazz. Hey, I'm getting my colonoscopy prep. Maybe can we reach out to her and she could teach me step by step, what to do? You're gonna get punched in your face. Hey, punch me in my face. I'll on you. Shout out, sutab. I'm taking the tablets for the colonoscopy prep. Not the liquid for the first time. You boys haven't done this yet? Once you turn 40, shit gets wild.

[John]

Is this your first colonoscopy?

[Chris Distefano]

This is my second colonoscopy because I forced the doctor to give me a colonoscopy in 2018 because I, you know, thought that I had cancer. And meanwhile, I was taking all these, Jasmine said, because of my first sexual experience. Yeah, well, I'll have you know, Jazz, that another reason why I did that, because you were calling me gay all those years. And then I did the colonoscopy, and I did not wake up hard. So there you go. But anyway, I took picture, a picture of, like, a questionable turd. And so I showed it to him, and it, like, the. The camera, like, it was just, like, glossy, the picture. And so he was like, listen, man, I can't tell if that's the lighting or the turd. I think we should just do a colonoscopy just in case.

[John]

What's questionable at the turd?

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know. I just felt like it didn't look right, but I could have been eating beets. Like, it just bloody. It wasn't bloody. It was just darker. But it could have been, like, a million. I could have had, like, a ton of blueberries. So anyway. But he did any. And he did find, actually, a couple of polyps, but they were all benign. They were all like, no question. But he said because I had a couple, that he lasered off. He was like, you should come in every five years. So that Was, you know, six years ago. So he was like, just come in. Just. Just do it now. Let's just get it done. God willing, everything's okay, and then you don't have to come in again until you're 45. But really, at 40, you should do it, like, every five years, they say, because colon cancer amongst young people is the fastest growing cancer of any other cancer. And I don't think they really know why. I think I do, though, the vaccine. I'm asking, what do we got?

[Vito]

I'm asking my wife if we can call her on the podcast and she could give me a breakdown because.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's have her break it down.

[Vito]

Let's see. I'm just gonna.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm gonna call her. I was gonna call her.

[Vito]

I gave her a heads up.

[Chris Distefano]

Hello.

[Vito]

Hey, are you okay with explaining to Chris on the podcast? Sugar? Luan is.

[Jasmine]

Yeah, I can't explain. I just don't know if I'll do the best job.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, hold on, hold on. Let's wait till you get to the microphone. All right. Hi. Hi.

[Jasmine]

How are you?

[Chris Distefano]

How is the first few months of being married to veto going? Oh, yeah, it's been a lot longer.

[Jasmine]

The first few months were very chill. Now, you know, you know, could go either way.

[Chris Distefano]

Have you said, like, at all in the past year? Like, am I gonna have to deal with this gout for the rest of my life?

[Jasmine]

Honestly, I'm just like. Like, just take your vitamins and you'll be fine. I think he just doesn't drink enough water. I think he drinks too much coffee, and I don't think he's eating enough protein.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, he is. He does. Well, I think he's eating enough protein because he does look jacked. But there are a lot of times he comes in here and he just looks like a jittery dried mouth.

[Jasmine]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, he probably looks, but we love him and he's our work wife. Guys. From big events to the moments you capture every day, doesn't it sometimes feel like all your favorite photos are stuck on your camera roll? I mean, doesn't it. Wouldn't it be great to have an easy way to share and enjoy them with friends and family? You may have just been talking about this. Well, here it is. That's where aura comes in. A U R A named number one digital photo frame by wirecutter. Aura makes it effortless to upload unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone, so your favorite memories are always within view. Plus, you can personalize and preload an aura frame for a truly Special unforgettable gift. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver matte frames by using promo code Chaos at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code Chaos this deal is exclusive to listeners so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. I like Aura man. Digital photo frames are all the rave. We have them in our house. I can tell you that they're dope. One of the best ones I've ever seen. And you can go get a nice [e-mail] promo code chaos auraframes.com promo code CHAOS my boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do. Because one of these days my Tacova's boots are gonna walk all over you. Tacova's baby Love my boots. I got some beautiful gorgeous brown Tacova's. Wore them the other day to a party and everyone was like where'd you get those? And I took off my shoe and I said smell my feet and they went Tacova's. Tacova's crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers like the guys on Yellowstone and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers like me born in Texas in 2015 to Cova's makes it easy for anyone to find their perfect boot. Every single one of Tecova's boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken in comfort right out of the box. Your box. Whether it's a long day or a big night, your Taco's are built to last and impress. That's why Esquire loves them and says there's a reason we keep coming back to Tecovas. So I like them. I love them. Plus what I like about to Covis it's the best in the west. Guarantee you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now get 10% [e-mail] Chrissy when you sign up for email and text that's 10% off at T E C O V A S.com Chrissy that's Tecoviz.com Chrissy C site for details to covas point your toes west. Okay, so tell us about Luan because John and I were sitting next to her at the Knicks game and she clearly wanted to date John.

[Jasmine]

So I will say Luanda Seps she's quite the flirt. She's a notorious flirt and loves the flirt. I think even there's A baseball player that they were rumored to help us. I don't know if he confirmed it or not.

[Chris Distefano]

Keith Hernandez. Veto saying Keith Hernandez.

[Jasmine]

Yes, Keith Hernandez. So she's like, a major flirt. I think she's like, you know, she likes to turn on the charm. She used to be a countess. She was married to a countess, so sometimes people call herself Countess Luann. She loves a good time. She loves a drink. I think she'll hang out at what are, like, the famous hotels where people, like, hang out? Like, the St. Regis. That's a big one.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Jasmine]

That's like a watering hole. But right now, she's doing a cabaret tour, and she'll perform right now, so she was huge on Housewives. She was one of the originals.

[Vito]

Where's her money? Coming.

[Jasmine]

Like old interviews. There is a rumor that she hooked up with someone from another Bravo show that was probably around John's age, so.

[Chris Distefano]

Whoa.

[Jasmine]

John turned on the charm.

[Chris Distefano]

It would have been she likes him young. In other words, she.

[Jasmine]

I think. I don't think she's an ageist. I think she likes a good time.

[Chris Distefano]

So whether you're young, old, just wants to have fun.

[Jasmine]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Some. Her.

[Jasmine]

Her friend said this woman, Sony Morgan said that she's the straw that stirs the drink, but I think Countess Loanna's as well.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it. Okay. Yeah. We really did love her. Her energy was amazing. Now, where. Where does her money come from? Where. How did she get on the radar of being a real housewife?

[Jasmine]

Well, she was married to account.

[Chris Distefano]

Now, what account? Like, like in medieval England. Like. Like, royal.

[Jasmine]

Like, she had a proper title.

[Chris Distefano]

That's.

[Jasmine]

She lost her title once they got divorced, but, like, she's still known as countess.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so that's where it comes. She has, like, royal money. Yeah. The count from Sesame street is what we have pulled up right now. Okay, so that's interesting. All right.

[Jasmine]

John married a French count. She does speak French. So she's like a woman of the world.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, this is good. She actually. Now Veto's pulling up pictures for. She kind of, in a weird way. Jazz, come here. She kind of looks like my mom, right? Like a younger version of my mom. No, look at her face. She kind of looks like a young version of my mom in a way. Look at that.

[Jasmine]

Yeah. And she looks pretty good. She's 59.

[Chris Distefano]

I think she looks great. She looks great. Now Jasmine knows who she is. Oh, wow. And now Jasmine's leaving and going to this woman's house. Great. The countess. All right, all right. Well, thank you. So much. We appreciate it. This was actually extremely informative. And thank you. And Veto looks good. We're going to give Veto some water. Very interesting. Very interesting that. Yeah, this was a situation. Remember, even when we went back to the Knicks, like, where they have us, like, to have some refreshments for us at halftime. Remember, all the Knick staff were like, are you going to get them on your podcast? You should get them on your podcast. And I was like, we only have guys on the pod, but they. So big deal. Nice women, and you never know who you're going to meet. Adam Sandler was there. Ben Stiller was there.

[John]

We got to shake his hand. It's pretty crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

We got to shake their hands. Yeah, it was. It was. It was a really awesome experience. And what was fun is to see kid like John, young kid, first time that close. I think at MSG watch his favorite team, even though they got smoked. You saw appreciation. You saw him just saying, this is an awesome moment, and that's what I need, more from the fans. It's just appreciation. Okay. Okay. I'm here every week for you. Some weeks are up, some weeks are bad. Think about what kind of mental state you need to be in as a human being to comment anything negative publicly at all, ever. There's been plenty of things I haven't liked. I've never commented publicly on them. I'll just say, oh, so and so is going through something, and if it happens too much in a room, I say, you know what? I'm not going to listen to that show anymore. But if you want to comment publicly on shit, you're an asshole. Now, I did know. I did say on History Hyenas last week with Matt Rife, the posting is for us. The comments is for the fans, and I've just broken that rule. But that's what it is with Chrissy Chaos. I'm going back and forth all day, baby. Just like Aaliyah. Back, back, forth, and forth. Right?

[John]

Agreed.

[Chris Distefano]

Vito and John are wearing the same pants. Yeah, they're both wearing green cargo pants, and they're from Uniqlo. And I'm gonna start going to Uniqlo. And Jazz asked me what I want for Christmas, and it's, I want cargo pants from Uniqlo. I just thought Uniqlo clothes wouldn't fit me because they're made for Japanese people, and I'm like Godzilla to Japanese people.

[Vito]

Yeah, no, they fit. I had the same fear that I was gonna have to get, like, an.

[Chris Distefano]

8X pant, but they don't. Those Are extra large.

[Vito]

No, these. I went double X. I went up a size.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. That's okay?

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you feel okay about that?

[Vito]

I go in and out of feeling okay about it.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's zoom in on Vito's face, please. No, just sit there like this. Oh, and by the way, I want to talk to you. I want to talk to the world about speaking things into existence and how the universe, if you just be positive, you may not get it exactly like you want it, but the universe hears you. Like, you want to look for a number. Like. Like, do a little test on yourself right now at home. Pick a number and pick a color, and then in the next 10 minutes, see if that number or that color pops up somewhere. If you look around the room, if you're looking for red, and all of a sudden you see red. If you're waiting to Hear the number 18, all of a sudden 18 will be on the screen somewhere. You'll hear it. You'll see it outside. If you just look for it and you put it out there, the universe gives back. I said. I said out loud to Jasmine after we went to the. My Hulu special is coming out in February. They have. Hulu is having one comic a month do a special. And Hulu, there's 12 comics, and they picked me for February. Black History Month makes sense. And so I'm going to be the. But Hulu threw a big party, and they invited all the comics, and it was a great party, and the cast of Cobra Kai was there, even though their shows on Netflix, we don't know why, but we got a picture with them. Our kids went nuts. It was great. A lot of other, you know, Hulu invited a bunch of people. It was a great, fantastic party. And then also at that party, you know, because they were inviting just comedians and celebrities or whatever. Hannah Berner was there, and she's just got such great energy. She was great guest on the Christy Chaos podcast here. We love her podcast. Giggly Squad. Love Paige Desorbo. Big fans. We're the giggly guys. I said that. I'm a giggle guy. I said to Jasmine, I said, you know, I really love to work with Hannah Berner on something. Like, I would love to host a show with Hannah. I would love to just, like Hannah's. I just like her energy. I just think she's cool. The very next day, I get a text from our boy Josh Cohen says, hey, we're thinking of having a, like, a big charity event next year, and we want you and Hannah Berner to host it. So just look out for an email from us. And it's like, again, that's not a TV show. That's not a money. It's nothing. But it's like I asked the universe for something and then within 24 hours say, here's your opportunity. So just. I'm saying whatever you want in your world out there, just ask for it. And then maybe. Maybe Hannah Burner will show up at your door. I don't know. But I just want to throw that out there. It's just positive energy. Positive. Jasmine's big on positive energy. Yeah, she's big on. You got to just say it out loud. You got to be positive.

[Vito]

Speaking of positive energy, would you like to keep track of the Bill's progress towards the Super Bowl?

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, because I know that I said that, and when I already actually have my lawyer drafting up a contract that's going to somehow get me out of it. Because I did take. I did take John to courtside Knicks game, so that's fucking good enough. Because. No, it's true. I did say, and I am committing to it, that if the Buffalo Bills get to the Super Bowl, I will get John tickets to the game and we will get him out to. Was it Vegas?

[Vito]

It's New Orleans.

[Chris Distefano]

New Orleans. Right. But I did say the hotel will be within 50 miles. And the flight. I said I will get him there. It doesn't have to be a flight. I could put him on a Greyhound bus.

[Vito]

No, you said flight.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, I did. All right, but you said Delta.

[Vito]

You said you would use Delta Sky Miles to get a flight.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, fine. But I think you did say Marriott.

[Vito]

Bonvoy points for the hotel.

[Chris Distefano]

But I did say within 50 miles. Yes. All right, fine. All right, right now. Right now. What do we got?

[Vito]

The Bills are plus 500 to win the super bowl right now. So.

[Chris Distefano]

So they're getting. So odds are they're getting there. Still got to go through the Chiefs.

[John]

Chiefs, Raven, Steelers, Ravens.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm not worried about the Chiefs. Just are the Chiefs.

[John]

Ravens wrecked us this season.

[Chris Distefano]

Really? Yeah, but they've been playing bad lately, the Ravens.

[Vito]

You're talking to a guy that took Jan Daniel Jones as the first overall pick in the fantasy draft.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, and I will. If the Bills are like, in the AFC championship game, I will do what it. What it takes to sabotage their win. I will do what it take. Just know that you have now positive energy working against the Bills. Damn. No, I'm kidding. They're only new. I'm all about New York, as I told you. Many times. New York first. I am New York first, baby. Buffalo Bills, obviously only New York team in New York, period. But obviously the jets and the Giants are pseudo New York and they're not going to make it. So Buffalo Bills. If I could actually do it over again and be like, I just want to be a fan of all New York teams, I would actually be a Bills fan.

[Vito]

I feel the same way, you know, but I can't.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm too deep in you.

[John]

What's stopping you?

[Chris Distefano]

I'm too deep in with the Giants.

[John]

Last time. Last time you went to a Giants game?

[Chris Distefano]

Good question. Probably 2018. Oh, Europe. Right. In London. I went, but I've never been to a Bills game. Never.

[John]

It's pretty fun.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Vito]

I feel like you would have a great time. I feel like if we went to a Bill's tailgate, we'd have a great.

[John]

I'm actually probably gonna go to one more before the regular season ends, so.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. What do you do? You just fly up there? You drive up there? I usually drive six hours.

[John]

Yeah. Yeah. Six and a half from down here.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you ever do nowadays just to. Just. Because, you know, eventually you're going to fly out of the back of the rv. Do you surf on the back of the RV now? Like. Like, what do they call when they jet. Sir? Jet ski. What do they call? Water skiing. Yeah. Or parasailing. Yeah, that'd be sick. You just parastail in the back on a big couch.

[John]

Pretty cool.

[Chris Distefano]

But I. I mean, I can't see. I really hate Anthony Allen. This. I just hate his face. Go back to him. Go back to this guy. Him we're going to talk about. But this guy, his comment wasn't even the worst. I just hate his fucking face. It's just annoying. No, no, no, the. The. The mean comment guy. Oh, mean comment. What? Yeah. Where is he?

[John]

First tab, scroll down.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, this guy, Anthony Allen. 1530. What a piece of great idea. Release podcasting. Barely. See, he just looked. This guy just looks like a dick. I don't know if that's his actual photo. If that's his actual photo. And he gets lip injections and he's talking. If you got lip injections, don't talk to me, bro. Dude, never talk shit to me. If you got lip fillers.

[John]

Yeah, Matt Rife.

[Chris Distefano]

Fuck. Exactly. Dude. Matt Rife here. I'm on History Hyenas. He was great.

[Vito]

How was it. How was it hanging out with Mr. Rife?

[Chris Distefano]

It actually was great hanging out with Matt Rife on history. History Hyena. Show it was, you know, he's just a good kid. He really is just a good kid. And he's. He's crushing it. And he has fake teeth, and Giannis said he has teeth, tits, and it was funny. So I. But what we also want to talk about now is Florian, who is from Albania, and I think he's from 90 Day Fiance, we think. And a lot of people have been flooding my DMs and comments or whatever saying I look exactly like this guy. Like, this is the Albanian version of me. And Jasmine even said I do look like him. So, you know, what do we think here? Hot or not? Is this a compliment? Is it not? I mean, I guess I see it. I'm probably heavier than him. I mean, he looks like a skinny, mini, ripped kind of kid.

[Vito]

He looks like. And John, I think you would agree with this. He looks like when you put an AI prompt in with, like, a face and they kind of take you, but they don't know how to match it to the body.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. This is me after the colonoscopy prep when I out 35 pounds of weight. Oh, yeah.

[John]

He looks like a frail version of you.

[Chris Distefano]

He looks like he could be on a drug of some sort. Right. Doesn't he kind of look like he's cracked out a little bit? That's just being Albanian European or something. Yeah. Shout out Albania. Love Albania.

[Vito]

This video legitimately looks like somebody did a face swap with you.

[Chris Distefano]

It really, really does. It really does. I can see exactly what you mean. It looks like AI. And that doesn't look anything at all like Jasmine. No, actually, wait. You better stop. Yeah, I, I, it's, it's interesting how, yeah, the lookalikes. I wonder if he's gotten any messages from fans being like, hey, you look like me. I wonder. Let's see if anybody's tweeted it, by the way. Cobra Kai. Pull up the cast of Cobra Kai.

[John]

How old are those kids now?

[Chris Distefano]

They got to be in their 20s, early 20s. Really?

[John]

Still in high school in the show.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but they're all okay. So these kids. So here, go on. So we saw Jacob Bertrand. Great kid. Peyton List. Unbelievable. Peyton.

[John]

Listen, she's been around for a while.

[Chris Distefano]

She's born and raised in Red Hook.

[Vito]

Brooklyn, you know, and she's dating Jacob Bertrand.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, Jacob and Peyton date. Yeah. Great. So, and then Zolo Maradwina. He's a big star, this kid. He's in, like, movies and all that. He knew who I was. He was like, oh, Chrissy Chaos. And he knew special Wesie. I was like, look at that. Zolo coming in. So Zolo. Shout out Zolo. Shout out Zolo. Yeah, yeah. Shout out Zolo. Jacob and Peyton, really, really great kids, and they were hanging out with this gay guy. And I thought we were having fun together, like, joking around. He was like, you know, being, like, catty and gay and like, oh, my God, you like that? And then I said. And then I go, when we're leaving, we got a pick. Really nice kids. I go. I go, dude, I'm going to follow you on Grindr. He goes, you're not my type. And I was like. And I was like. I was like, oh. I was like, am I too white? And he goes, no. I look at bank accounts. That's what he said to me.

[Vito]

That's me.

[Chris Distefano]

And I said, yo, I got that season one Cobra Kai money, which is not much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, oh, what a catty bitch. But then I was, like, kind of, like, feeling, you know, upset about. And then Jasmine was like, what did you want a caddy gay guy to say? That's how they are. He was being exactly who he portrayed himself to be. So she was like, you're actually being gay right now.

[Vito]

If he was being nice to you, that would mean he actually wasn't into you.

[Chris Distefano]

Right, Right.

[Vito]

He was like, oh, yeah, you're the best. Like, that means, like, you're just, like, a nice friend. Him being Patty, he wants you to think about him.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. Which I have been.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And which is why we've messaged him. And then it's funny to see Jacob Bertrand, who plays Eli Moskowitz, AKA Hawk, in the show, with no. With no mohawk and no lip. No, no lip scar. And he has dope glasses, long hair. Should we post the picture I posted on my Instagram? I think. Do we have it? Let's post it up for the people right here. Post it up. And, you know, they're really. What I really. What was awesome to see in these kids is that they're actually genuine friends, from what we notice. Like, truly friends. And really, guys, this episode sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you so much for the good folks at BetterHelp. Listen to me. If you're thinking about giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is the spot. Okay. I mean, look, here's the truth. I benefited from therapy, and I benefited from BetterHelp. I've used it now for, I want to say, four years. It's awesome, because there's a lot of times where I would want to go do therapy. And I'm like, ugh, you know, I'm in therapy for anxiety and then I have anxiety about leaving the house to go to the therapy place, wherever it may be located, where BetterHelp was all done online. Entirely done online. No brick and mortar. You just sign on, they match you up. You take a little, you know, like you fill out a little form and then they match you up with a counselor, you know, therapist that they think works for you, which you can change at any time for free, of course. And it's just awesome because I never miss a week. It's done from my computer and my phone, all online, and I just like it. If you're thinking of giving therapy a try, I would start with BetterHelp. Try it out. The brief questionnaire that matches you with the therapist is really key because they're not just, you know, flying by the seat of their pants. They're like, we have data that says you would be good with this kind of therapist and it's awesome. So Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. It's holiday season, but a lot of times, as we know, holiday season can make people upset for various reasons. Want to find some comfort this December? Go to betterhelp betterhelp.com Chaostoday to get 10% off your first month. That's better. H E L P.com Chaos 10% off your first month Better H E L P.com Chaos thank you for sponsoring the episode, guys. I want to talk to you right now about Unbound Merino. Are you packing for a trip this holiday season? Probably. I know I am. Are you tired of paying for those hefty checked bag fees because you needed multiple suitcases to fit all your gear? Well, we recently discovered Unbound Merino, a travel clothing company that is perfect McGurff for every traveler in your life. Are you ready to travel lighter? Because I'm telling you I travel a lot for work. Traveling light is the way to go. Unbound Merino is a travel clothing company created by three lifelong friends. They offer timeless, versatile clothing that will have you looking great in any situation and they can be worn for weeks on end without needing a wash. Unbound Merino was created by three lifelong friends who are looking to solve the age old problem of how do you pack light but also look great when jet setting? Unbound offers timeless, versatile clothing that will have you looking great in any situation. Unbound makes it simple to pack for short or long trips since their clothes can be worn for weeks on end without needing a wash. Unbound's Clothing allows travelers to pack lighter, save on checked baggage fees, and spend more time focusing on creating travel memories. Listen, Unbound Merino I like because their clothing is made of merino wool, which is moisture wicking. So that's nice. Temperature regulating and extra comfortable for all sorts of travel. And what I love about it is, as always, you're going to get a discount for being a fan of this podcast. All you got to do is go over to UnboundMarino.com where new customers can use our code CHAOS for 10% off their order. That's UnboundMarino. U N B O U N D M E r I n o.com where the new customers can use the code chaos for 10% off the order. Go do it, baby. Really just like nice kids and I like them a lot. So. Yeah. What's lone Lobos official?

[Vito]

That's their podcast.

[Chris Distefano]

Who has a podcast? Jacob.

[Vito]

Jacob and Zolo.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Yeah. They live in Brooklyn.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, I probably shouldn't say that. It's.

[Vito]

Brooklyn's a big place.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's true. Oh, look at that. Wicked Wolfs and Will Ferrell. Oh, do they have Will Ferrell on? I want to go do their pod. Should we message them and do their pod? Yeah, let's DM them. How many followers does Zolo have on Instagram?

[Vito]

They have 111,000 YouTube subscribers.

[Chris Distefano]

Zolo has a few million on IG. So then we're not. He's not going to see our message. How do we get in touch with this kid?

[Vito]

Did you not exchange information when you met?

[Chris Distefano]

No, we just. I told. I told my guy to DM. I'm on Instagram. 3.7 million followers. So he's not going to see it.

[Vito]

He might if he follows you. Does he follow you?

[Chris Distefano]

Let's see. Does he follow Chrissy Chaos? He knew my. Boom. He knew my stuff. He so that. So I would love. Because he see he. There's a guest who I genuinely. It's not even cloud chasing. I genuinely love to talk to this kid. He's just a fascinating kid to me. So, okay, so we're looking out for that. But we got to have a way maybe ymh who I know who's the person that was hating on ymh. Go back. Go back to the dip comments. Not this kid. Not Anthony Allen. 15:30. Loves potatoes. Yeah. Jesus loves potatoes. Content. YMH. You made a big mistake going to YMH. YMH is going to book Zolo on the podcast. All right, boy. You are Bhati boy.

[Vito]

Do you want break?

[Chris Distefano]

Jamaicans would say, what does bhati boy mean again? Is that bad? Sorry about that. If that's a slur, I apologize. Oh, is this kid Zolo a singer too? Whoa.

[Vito]

We can't play it because we can't play it.

[Chris Distefano]

But the kids do it. Maybe I can get one of his music videos. Is this wild that I'm, I'm like thirsty to hang out with 22 year old boys. Is that kind of wild?

[Vito]

It's wild, but I think it would be funny if you actually did.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I forget how much older I am than these kids. Also, like, like, they think I'm a boomer fucking loser. Also.

[Vito]

They, like, they probably are young and like drinking and partying and they don't realize that, like, that's not you at all.

[Chris Distefano]

No, as a matter of fact, I was thinking about that the next morning. I was like, they were really so nice to me, but they also might have just been absolutely roasting me when I left because they're all just drunken on drugs and being like, what a loser I am.

[Vito]

No, I don't think that. But I'm saying, like, they probably are like, they probably think hanging out with you is like, oh, it's probably like a night like with. They probably think it's like hanging out.

[Chris Distefano]

With Bert Kreischer for. Yeah. When meanwhile, like I went home at 10 o'clock to like, because we had our babysitter. And even if I didn't, all I would want to do is like, go to the diner and get cheesecake.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I wouldn't want to do any drinking or drugs. Yeah. I would want to just like walk around different history. I would want to walk around with them downtown Manhattan and be like, oh, George Washington sat here once.

[Vito]

If Zola was with you and he really wanted you to do coke, what would you do?

[Chris Distefano]

If Zola was with me and he really wanted me to do cocaine, I would probably. What I would do is take it and then make believe I did it. But I really didn't. But I would act. I would quickly Google what cokeheads act like and I would just start moving my jaw and I'd probably like, you know, I'd rob a bodega or something and just make believe I'd play the part of me being on cocaine. I would call Jasmine and you and ask, what should I do? Oh my God, I would fucking trip. I would. I would three way call Jasmine and Vito. I'd be like, hey, I just fake like I'm doing coke. Tell me what to do.

[Vito]

What's funny is how little you know about coke is that you think, like, you go to another room to do it. You can fake doing it. Yeah, that's not how it works. You're all in, like, an open room probably.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Vito]

And then he, like, busts them out, and he's, like, chopping up lines, and he's like, chrissy D. Yeah, snort this up right now. Then you have to snort it in front of him.

[Chris Distefano]

How could I fake snort it?

[Vito]

You can't.

[Chris Distefano]

I would. Maybe I'd make a joke. Like, oh, you know what I heard? Like, chugging it up through your butts. The best. Let me go do it in the bathroom and then have us both go into separate bathrooms to do a butt chug of coke. But really, I flush it down the toilet.

[Vito]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

And then I just came out, and I would be like, you know, how do I fake a nosebleed?

[Vito]

But you put it. You did it up your ass. Why would you have a nosebleed?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, an ass bleed. Yeah. Speaking of assbleeds, I got to start taking this colonoscopy prep, and I'm very nervous.

[Vito]

Why are you nervous?

[Chris Distefano]

But I did it once before. I don't know. Even though I'm getting anesthesia, the profile, which everyone says is great. Proferol, propopol, whatever. I just get nervous about anesthesia, and Jasmine doesn't want me to do it, so she's kind of putting some negative energy in that's. That's messing me up a little bit. She's saying she doesn't think I should be doing it.

[Vito]

Why?

[Chris Distefano]

You don't. You're against me getting the colonoscopy. You literally said, get a second opinion. What was the reason? You said, get a second opinion. You did say that when I told you weren't drinking. But by the way, speaking of drinking, in the last nine days, I've had a beer and. Or a wine nine days in a row. You too?

[John]

Well, no, but I did with you on Sunday.

[Chris Distefano]

What's going on with me? It's. It's not a lot. It's just a. One or two glasses. But is this the beginning of an alcoholism? Do I have an issue? No, but I've never done this. I've never. It's been, like, nine, 10 days in a row where I'm, like, thinking about alcohol.

[Vito]

It's. This is what happens during the hot. Especially, like, you gotta go all these.

[John]

Parties and get a schmooze.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

What's the most amount of days you boys have went Drinking in a row, probably.

[John]

In, like, a vacation?

[Vito]

Yeah, like on a cruise.

[Chris Distefano]

You never done nine, 10 days in a row in college, probably, right? You don't think it's a big deal?

[Vito]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

You think the colonoscopy doctor should know how much I've been drinking lately? No, he'll know when he looks in my ass. Yeah, he might see red wine and think it's a problem, but I should tell him that I've been drinking red wine like I'm Christ.

[Vito]

You're really.

[Chris Distefano]

It's all.

[Vito]

And it's only red wine you've been drinking, right, Jazz?

[Chris Distefano]

That's what most of you've been drinking is red wine, right? What else have I drank? Oh, I drank sambuca, too.

[John]

We drank beer on Sunday.

[Chris Distefano]

We did have beer, but I only had one member. I just had the one you. One drink a day is not a big deal.

[Vito]

No, you panicking?

[John]

I was going to say a lot of.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Jasmine's told me. I've been really stressed out lately and I need to chill.

[Vito]

Yeah, you're sitting here thinking you just said, am I becoming an alcoholic because.

[Chris Distefano]

You drank for a week? What is wrong with me? How do I make it stop? What? Slow down. Jasmine says, you know what, guys? You. Comments 1. The show's over, you fucking pieces of shit. I think I've showed this box and it has my address on it.

[Vito]

Well, I'll keep an eye out.

[Chris Distefano]

Actually, no. Doesn't take by mouth. Let's open this up and see what I actually have to do. This is Suit Tab. This is colonoscopy prep. I'll let you guys know how it all went after your colonoscopy. Oh, look youk got it. I got to take these tabs and then fill up this water with poop. No, I don't shit in it. I. This is so. What they do is imagine. Imagine. I didn't know that. And I'm just shitting in this thing.

[Vito]

After colonoscopy, when your assholes all fresh and clean. Perfect time to finally do the vibrator game you wanted to do.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, well, my Jasmine was going to come with me, but now my mom's going to come with me. I wonder if I should, as soon as I wake up, just ask my mom to. Should I just do a podcast on propo for all?

[Vito]

Your mom is taking you to your colonoscopy.

[Chris Distefano]

Is that weird? You preferred it? Should we just have my mama looks like Luann the Countess? Should we just have you do it and have my mom come here and Watch the kids. Jazz. Now you don't want to go? All right, yeah, she's mad.

[Vito]

What time do you finish?

[Chris Distefano]

It starts at 2. He said it's a 15 minute procedure.

[Vito]

Would you want me to come meet you with a camera and a mic?

[Chris Distefano]

I honestly don't care. It's down. It's at 123 Williams Street.

[Vito]

Where's that?

[Chris Distefano]

Downtown Manhattan.

[Vito]

Do you want me to pick you up? I can pick you. I could drive and pick you up.

[Chris Distefano]

That'd be dope, actually. That'd be dope, yeah. Yeah. Well, coordinate. Yeah, come pick me up because I'm taking an Uber there.

[Vito]

I'll pick you up and we'll have a camera and then we can film you on the way back.

[Chris Distefano]

And we'll just have my mom just in there, just be like, I don't want to be on camera. But then she'll also be like, in the car.

[John]

You can put the vibrator in the.

[Chris Distefano]

Car in front of my mom. Yeah, that'd be wild. That's. See, that's what the Chaotix fans want to see. Yeah, maybe I could.

[John]

What are you supposed to put in the fucking cup?

[Chris Distefano]

No. Okay, so what the cup is for is you got to drink a lot of water. So they drink. So you, you. I take. I got to take 12 tablets from 6 to 8 tonight. I got to take 12 tablets, one tablet every five minutes. You take a tablet and then you drink water. So you do that over the course of an hour. Then you just get flushed out. You're going to start like non stop shitting for like hours. Dude, you just. It's. It's wild how much you. And then, and then after that, at 6:00 in the morning tomorrow, I have to wake up and do the same thing. Drink water and these pills for the next over an hour and then you again. But this cup is to. Because the main thing they care about is you not getting dehydrated. So you have to keep using that cup and drink that amount of water every time. So that's what is. Here, let me read the instructions here. Let's read the instructions of what to do. All right, here we go. So 12 o'clock, blah, blah, blah. You may have a light breakfast, they say the day before the procedure, which is tomorrow, you can have a light breakfast consisting of oatmeal, toast, eggs, a protein shake, yogurt, or instant breakfast, but no seeds, nuts or large portions. So what did I have for breakfast? A cheese danish, a peanut, a peanut butter oatmeal with Protein. And then I had a grilled chicken quesadilla. So that's probably large portions. And I ate that all in one sitting. So that right there up. After this meal, you will start a clear liquid diet. You may not have solid foods or milk or anything. You got to keep well hydrated before you begin the prep and it will improve the preparation of your procedure. The allowable, clear, allowable, clear liquids, apple juice, lemonade, white cranberry juice, blah, blah, blah. You must stop drinking at least four hours before your procedure. So I can't have anything tomorrow up at like from like 10am on, I can't even have a sip of water or a coffee. Then tonight, 6:00 tonight. So I stopped eating at 12. At 6:00 tonight, I open one bottle of 12 tablets, fill the provided container, which we thought we were supposed to in, but it's actually. You fill it up with 16 ounces of water. Then you swallow one tablet every five minutes with a sip of water, using a full hour to take all the tablets.

[John]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Do not take multiple tablets at once. If you experience significant bloating or cramping, pause or slow down the rate of drinking additional water until symptoms diminish. And then approximately one hour after the last tablet is ingested, fill the container again with 16 ounces of water and drink the entire amount over 30 minutes. Approximately 30 minutes after finishing the second container of water, fill the provided container with another 16 ounces of water and drink that entire amount over 30 minutes. So, Jazz, I'm going to be pissing all night. I'm going to be pissing out of my pee pee and pissing out of my all night. And I'm not sleeping in one of the kids rooms or on the floor. I'm sleep. I'm sleeping in the bed with you. Oh, here's a. And then step two. At 6am the morning of the procedure, I repeat steps one to four. And then here's the big thing. Escort policy. So they're going to let me have a escort. Dude, get online right now. Let's get some escorts. Escort policy. It is required that an escort picks you up after the procedure. So it can't be my mom. It has to be a prostitute. If they're saying escorts, why do you.

[John]

Need somebody to go with you? Are you?

[Chris Distefano]

No, I'm kidding. No. You know what? It is because of the anesthesia that you, you're too, you're loopy. You, you can't like be operating. You can't. You. They. You got to leave with Someone. It's like procedure.

[John]

Just get on the subway and go home.

[Chris Distefano]

No. What if I'm. What if I am on my menstrual cycle on the day of my procedure? Your menstrual cycle will not affect your procedure. So it doesn't even matter if I'm have on my menstrual cycle.

[Vito]

That's good.

[Chris Distefano]

What if I am breastfeeding? In general, breastfeeding is considered to be safe. After one is fully recovered from anesthesia, imagine Jasmine is there, and I just immediately wake up and start sucking titties. If you are breastfeeding, please discuss with your gastroenterologist prior to your procedure and notify the anesthesiologist on the day of your procedure. Most patients spend an average of two to three hours at the center. Your adult escort, who we're going to find, we'll find. Our adult escort does not have to be with you the entire time. And you may call your escort once you're on the recovery area to coordinate pickup. Jazz, do you want to help us pick out our escort? It could be a guy. All right. Jazz isn't in the mood. Will cannabis use impact my procedure? If you smoke or vaporize Cannabis, discontinue use 12 hours to procedure. Any fuckers smoke weed? I don't want to breathe in secondhand smoke. Then it mess with my colonoscopy.

[Vito]

John loves weed.

[Chris Distefano]

Did you smoke weed in the last 12 hours?

[John]

Maybe.

[Chris Distefano]

Get out of my house. If you ingest cannabis, please discontinue use eight hours prior to your procedure. How would Mike Cannon ever be able to do this? That kid would be eating edibles while the things up his ass.

[John]

How many people you think do this? And they don't do the prep at all. And they stick the camera up there. It's just they. All they see is a log.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, that happens. And how about this? I knew a guy took all like, you know, because they sent me these tabs last week. He took all the tabs, did the whole full colonoscopy prep, went to the center, and they were like, yeah, your procedure is next week. So this guy cleaned out his asshole and digestive system shit all night to get there and be like, you're not scheduled for today, dummy. So that happens too. If you've had recent bed bug exposure. Should I come in for my procedure? Our nurses screen all patients thoroughly for risks associated with bedbugs. What if I just gave birth prior to my procedure? Please inform your physician if you are less than six weeks postpartum.

[John]

Who the fuck is Getting a colonoscopy right after they gave birth.

[Chris Distefano]

People do it. Jaz, are you going to get a colonoscopy? Jazz is going to go. I'm on Jazz to get one. Oh, Jazz, look at this. People looking to buy this house next door. And guess what they are Chinese.

[Vito]

Oh, the house next door for sale.

[Chris Distefano]

Chinese have all cash. You can't really compete with them. Yeah, look at them, Jazz, do you think they're going to buy. Take a look, Take a look, take a look. Not gonna buy it. That's.

[Vito]

That's a big house too, right?

[Chris Distefano]

It's okay. It's a big. Dude, it's a big house. What they want for it is like nuts. I'm like, who's paying for that?

[Vito]

How much they want you?

[Chris Distefano]

Should I say it? They want $3.8 million for that house. 3.8 million. I'm like, we. Do you know where we live? What 3.8 million? Who's paying that? But the Chinese will come in all cash. See, look at how nosy Jasmine is. She says, I don't care, I don't care. And she's trying to. She's slowly trying to get up to look. Look, I guarantee you, without. If we don't pay attention within 90 seconds, she's gonna make believe she's cleaning something up over here. She's gonna be like that behind the blinds like that. She's like a little dog like that with just her nose and ear above, looking on the phone with her mom and sister. Like Chinese people bouncing by the house. Definitely. Look, she can't wait. See, now she's like. She feels stuck. She wants to look so bad. Look. She's trying to look at the reflection off this mirror to see what she has her phone like that. She's trying to get like MacGyver shit. She wants seed so bad. So nosy.

[Vito]

That's crazy. Four million for that four million, baby boo.

[Chris Distefano]

Welcome to New York. Welcome to New York. That's why we're getting out. We're going back to the land of the free. Staten Island. Fucking cuz we might not even be going there. I'm moving to South Carolina, actually. That's where I want to go. I want to retreat back into the deep South. One of the original 13 colonies in the deep South. South Carolina, I think, is actually taking over Florida for most migration of New Yorkers. I know a lot of people moving to South Carolina. Charleston. Charleston area. Right in that area. Charleston. There's some people really like Charleston. Charleston is beautiful. Me and Giannis are Going to go to Charleston for the day and do a history tour.

[Vito]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

That's our plan. You can leave New York at 6:00am, get there by like 7:30, spend all day and then they have a 10:00 flight.

[Vito]

I was like always wanted to just.

[Chris Distefano]

Go for a weekend, go to Charleston and we. Jaz and I went to Savannah and loved it. Loved it. Charleston and Savannah are two cities to hit back to back. So what's also been going on from my conspiracy theorist friends, my group chat and, and it's, and it's, it's pretty wild is that there are, there is this drones that are appearing all over like Washington D.C. whatever. And they look their drones appear as planes, but they're drones, they're not real. And my boy is saying that what's happening now is that it could either be our own country or China and like tech that we can handle and that they know they're either looking over US bases or it's the US creating stuff like this to stage some type of alien invasion. Or it's some type of alien invasion that uses holograms. Like they think a lot of alien technology. Whatever you want to believe, that is the new technology. The newest technology is holograms. So you would be sitting here as a hologram, but you're actually being controlled somewhere over there. But that's the future of technologies. But they can actually. But you are physically can do things. In other words, you as a hologram could pick up a gun and shoot me, but you're not here. So that's that. So that's what they think is happening with this. But so they're saying this is, this is on Twitter. Apparently these are not airplanes. They are drones that look like planes. They were seen over a nuclear test site in Nevada, all over New Jersey, and even buzzing the houses of FBI agents sent to investigate them. They've been observed stopping and turning in flight and flying close to the ground for hours on end. So the possible scenarios of this are these are UFOs from inner or off earth. These are projections from the system we are in whatever simulation they think we're in. Or these are Chinese or Russian military. And this person says, I'm not sure which one is the wildest. Isn't that nuts? This is happening like this is on Fox News. And see the thing that's happening now with aliens and things like this is they're not, not reporting it. They are reporting it. But then they'll come out and be like Biden Hunter, Hunter Biden got pardoned. The Mexican government came out with a full hearing with the president of Mexico and their top members of Congress and said, we found these alien bodies with three fingers. We don't know what they are. And that was reported on. But people then just look for the next distraction. What everyone's waiting for is the breaking news. Aliens are real. That's never going to happen. The media releases it. They release the footage. They release it, but they release it in a not dramatic way. And if Covid would have just got announced as just Covid, it wouldn't have had the drama effect, but they made it dramatic. So this is what happens with these. With this alien stuff, is they're not releasing it. They're saying it is. Here, look at this. And even Fox News is reporting on it, and other news outlets are reporting on it. But it's just one story. They're not making it a big deal. So then our human minds don't know what to accept, and then they just move on, and then they make something else a big deal. You know what I mean? They make Hunter Biden a big deal. They make colon cancers on the rise with young people a big deal. They make anything else a big deal. But they. They float this out, too. That's what I think.

[John]

That is weird.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, right? I mean, look at that. That's not real. That's a drone.

[John]

You know, I was just home for Thanksgiving, and I was talking to my brother, and he said this weird thing happened.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, your brother who's a seaman?

[John]

No, other brother.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, your brother who's an autistic semen. No, he's.

[John]

He's still on his boat, but.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. That.

[John]

My little brother.

[Chris Distefano]

Does your brother go on to the boat with rubber donkeys?

[John]

They do wear jumpsuits.

[Chris Distefano]

They do. I love your brother. He's. I think he farted deep into the couch. And we still can't get it out, even with Stanley Steamer. Go ahead.

[John]

But no, he is what his brother.

[Vito]

Brings on the boat.

[John]

Bionicles. Do you know what those are? Probably not.

[Vito]

But his brother's obsessed with them. He loves.

[John]

No, with the drone thing, though. He said he came home one night and he, like, they live in the suburbs, and he just saw this light, like, hovering above our house.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[John]

And he was like, what the fuck is that? And he said, like, when he, like, walked underneath it and looked up, it just zipped away.

[Chris Distefano]

And your brother's not gonna lie about this stuff. This is real. And then he.

[John]

But then he said he was with my parents in the living room, like, last week. And he said out the window, right, like right here, light hovering right out. He said it was probably a drone because, like in the pitch black, that's all you're gonna see is the little light on the bottom it. But like right outside, like watching them in their living room, that's creepy.

[Chris Distefano]

That is very creepy. And it was just a drone and. But could they physically see the drone or just the lights?

[John]

You couldn't see the drone, but he. That's what he assumes it was.

[Chris Distefano]

Listen, I have no doubt that drone technology is advanced past where we need to pass where we even know it. Like, if you're telling me you could buy for a couple hundred dollars a drone at Walmart and any of us can fly it, then the shit the military has must be. We can't even imagine. But this hologram stuff, it seems like it's happening all over the world at the same time over nuclear sites. So for me, it's either aliens are watching it or the enemies of the state are watching it. John looks like because he's dressed, he's got like the camouflage, like baggy camouflage khakis, a khaki shirt, a khaki hat. He looks like he's like a, like just like in the gay military. Right?

[Vito]

I do like his jacket.

[John]

Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

Appreciate it. You do look good, dude. You are. You are a good looking kid. And I like John's hair. John's grown out his nice hair, dude.

[John]

I was gonna like wear it out today and then I went to my car.

[Chris Distefano]

So windy.

[John]

It blew everywhere.

[Chris Distefano]

So do you. Do you even put anything into it or. That's just. Your hair is just as curly as curly can be?

[John]

No, I do have products in it, but it that, you know, all I'm doing is like showering and then kind of giving a little scrunch.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's. So your hair was never straight, ever? It's always as it grows. It's crazy.

[John]

I had like the Belieber, like, just like when he was big.

[Chris Distefano]

So how did it get. So how do I make my hair curly? I want my hair to be like a curly.

[John]

You'd have to get a perm.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, should I get a perm? What? At what length does it have to be for me to get a perm? For a goof, I'll get a perm.

[John]

You know, your hair is long enough now to get a permit, but you got to get it professionally done.

[Chris Distefano]

Just. Should I get a perm?

[Vito]

Just said it be so I can put on the screen.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I want to. I Want to get a perm? I'm thinking. I want. I'd like to get a perm. I cannot. I'm, like, nervous about this colonoscopy thing. Like, I feel like I'm going on the road.

[John]

You've already had one there, right?

[Chris Distefano]

I know, but I just get nervous. Like, you wake up and what if there's, like, a problem? I don't know, but I should stop. I should stop, you know, I should stop worrying about it. Oh, wow. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. See, that's what my hair looks like when it's wet. Oh, and you're wearing giant stuff in that picture. Not Bill stuff. Oh, wow. What the hell, dude?

[John]

Did my dad's jersey. Manning.

[Chris Distefano]

That's right. I got pictures of me when I'm. As a little kid. I'm wearing Met shit. Did I ever show you that? Yeah.

[Vito]

You have such an alien, like.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You look like a fucking drone. Fuck you. Yes. Now you look good, dude. Hold on. Matt's. Let me see. Dude, the Mets might be one of the most fun teams in the ML.

[Vito]

Yo, look at the head shape.

[John]

It's because my eyes are open for the first time.

[Vito]

So look at the. From the chin to the top of the head. I mean, like, that's identical.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you think that. Do you buy that thing of. That aliens are just humans from the future? No. And that this is what we've morphed into?

[John]

I don't know that.

[Chris Distefano]

Wear a simulation of the past.

[John]

It does make sense, though, like, genetically like, that they would.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, Jazz, can you crunch the bag? Louder. Bring it right up to the microphone. Throw it at me. I want you to throw it at me right now and see if you can accurately hit my head. Don't. I will not move. Look at that. You see? She hit the fucking ceiling. Every time. Charges. Throw something at me. I don't have to even move a muscle. And it doesn't matter how close he is. She can never hit me. Go ahead, try again from right there. I'll let you try from right there. Go ahead, do it. I won't move. Okay. Hit my shoulder. So. So what did. What were you saying, John?

[John]

It does make sense like that. Like, eventually you wouldn't have use for pretty much, like, feet, your hands, a lot of your organs and muscles and ligaments. Like, it's just. You're going to be relying on your brain, right?

[Chris Distefano]

So it does make sense that they have really small bodies because there's no use for them. But big heads. Yeah.

[John]

I mean, that's part of the reason why like as a species we're so successful. It's just the brain ratio for the rest of our body is like the biggest on the planet.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, did you, you ever read that book Sapiens?

[John]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

So this book Sapiens, they actually speak about that and they talk about how like we use our brain exactly like you said, and we therefore our brain takes up more energy because there's other animals that have bigger brains but proportion to their body, nobody has like us. And they actually think that when we, the original versions of us, hunter gatherers, foragers, we were so much more than the. You could take the most athletic human right now, and they weren't, wouldn't even be close to the athleticism of the ancient versions of us because of how we had to rely on our bodies to get food hunting. And then it wasn't until we got became farmers when we started to know how to like actually farm is when we started to get injured and very, very weak. But they actually think they just recently discovered this. They think that actual foragers, far versions of humans, I'm talking about 2 million years ago, had bigger brains than us and actually, and still with the proportion of the body so that they would actually could compute more and were smarter than us. But that what happened was, is after three or four generations of the farming that those generations forgot what that ancient people used to live like and then you just become this. But like first evidence of like slipped discs and scoliosis and breaking bones and all that, that only comes in the fossils they find later on. The ancient fossils they have, they don't have any slip discs, they don't have any problems like that. They died of like heart giving out. They think they lived to like their 60s or 70s with no medicine. Crazy.

[John]

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's, it's because there's, I mean, realistically, there's no such thing as survival of the fittest anymore. Just does not. I mean, you know, maybe in like remote, you know, civilizations in the jungle in the Amazon.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, I'll tell you what though, man, it does something to get into nature. Not that I did it, but my stepson went with his dad and went and hunted a deer. And you know, Sean killed his own deer, but then like they cut up the meat. Like he actually helped skin it. He took the heart out. They made deer jerky. They brought it home and me and Jazz noticed that kid is like the most out of his shell personality wise as we've seen him in his whole life. Like talking, good at, good attitude, good Energy saying hello, like just. And I wonder if being around nature and being disconnected from his phone and being with his dad and another male figure. I wonder if that like just makes you be like a certain level of respect. I don't know what it is, but it's so noticeable how different he is. And then he did tell me that if I ever talked to him the way I talked to him again, like I told him to clean his room, he would shoot me and gut me like a deer. So that's. That's it too. So if you just see me, if somebody ever offers you. Chrissy Jerky just knows my stepson. What is this? What's up with the Secret Service?

[Vito]

I don't know. Just some fucking argument broke out in the Trump assassination hearing today between the Secret Service, like they're about to fist fight gop. I didn't even see it. Let's see one of those things where I just shot as we were recording because there's the sack of the detail off out of the pictures view.

[Chris Distefano]

And that is the day where we remember the more than 3,000 people that.

[Vito]

Have died on 911.

[Chris Distefano]

Hell yeah. Actually responded to ground zero. I was there. Going through the ashes of the World Trade Center. Yep.

[Vito]

I was there at Fresh Kills.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm not asking you that. I'm at here, Congressman, the show respect that died on 911 that you're trying to be. Do not invoke 911 for political purposes.

[Vito]

Oh, I'm not.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm invoking this. You are, sir.

[Vito]

You.

[Chris Distefano]

I'd like to ask him a quick lease elect a member of Congress. And I'm asking you a serious question. And you.

[Vito]

I am a public servant who has served this nation.

[Chris Distefano]

And you want question on our day. On our country's darkest day. Jesus.

[Vito]

And then they kept going, apparently.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean it's kind of like I feel like two military guys like that. It's kind of like a weak ass. That's kind of a Robert fight though. It's like just. Just pointing fingers. Just get out there and punch him in the head.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

If you can kind of. Kind of weak. Right.

[Vito]

If you can fight, just go fight. Also. Where did 911 come from?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I don't know the context of that. That's your thing, dude. I know. They should. I should. Why am I not a part of that hearing? Could you imagine I start getting called into fucking 911 hearings.

[John]

Just do your act.

[Chris Distefano]

Because I'm 911 dad guy.

[Vito]

Yeah, 911 dad guy. Still to this day, the funniest thing I've ever heard anybody call you.

[Chris Distefano]

I might. I should do a special call. 911 dad guy.

[Vito]

I think it would be great. 911 dad guy with your face and then.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Vito]

Genius.

[Chris Distefano]

Genius. 911 dad guy.

[Vito]

Yo, what do you think about Turkish hair implants?

[Chris Distefano]

Turkish hair implants? I don't even know what those are.

[Vito]

Do you know about how dudes are going to Turkey to get hair transplants?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[John]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Is that what John did? And John's lying to us. And that's how he has this beautiful hair like that. Did you get a Turkish hair implant?

[John]

No, I. I do. I'm scared that I might start losing my hair, but so far, I think I'm good.

[Chris Distefano]

Why you. It looks full as right now.

[John]

It is, yeah. I'm just.

[Chris Distefano]

Do any of your brothers or family members have.

[John]

My dad's completely bald.

[Chris Distefano]

All right.

[John]

Well, it, like, skips a generation, so.

[Chris Distefano]

This is a Turkish hair implant. What do they do?

[John]

Probably half the people that you know in the business have this.

[Vito]

Yeah, you definitely know people who do.

[Chris Distefano]

No, you. What?

[John]

I would say, like, probably a ton.

[Chris Distefano]

Of your friends have this, and I have no idea.

[Vito]

Are you cool with Adam22?

[Chris Distefano]

Who's Adam22?

[John]

I don't know if, you know, he was on the guest list I said we should have on here.

[Chris Distefano]

I would love.

[John]

There's no jumper. His wife's a porn star.

[Chris Distefano]

She. He. Oh, yeah. Yes. Okay. I've seen this guy. Yeah.

[Vito]

He went to Turkey twice.

[Chris Distefano]

Is that. Is that confirmed?

[John]

Dave Portnoy has a hair transplant from Turkey. I don't know about that.

[Vito]

I think on barstool, they said all the guys were going to Turkey to go get the hair transplants.

[Chris Distefano]

Interesting.

[Vito]

Turkey's the place everybody's going now. It's like a joke.

[John]

It's like half the price here. I think it's like 20 grand there. It's like 10.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it. Yeah. But with flights and out there, you might be spending, like, not a lot of times.

[John]

It's comps by the people.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[John]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because they just want you out there.

[John]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. But then, like, you'll see pictures of them flying home, and it's like. Like half the passengers on the plane have the gauze and bandages on their head.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Vito]

This person. I'm not going to say their name. It's not confirmed they went to Turkey, but it's like, very. Dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Joel McHale.

[John]

Yeah.

[Vito]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But we're not supposed to. I mean, it's all over the Internet. We're not. We're not saying a secret.

[Vito]

I don't know. It's you. I don't know if you. I know you.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, I don't. I don't know. I mean, it looks like from this. It does. I mean, Elon Musk, definitely, right?

[John]

Elon Musk. Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber, he had a fucking buzz cut for like three years. And that's what. Jeremy Piven.

[Chris Distefano]

John Travolta, definitely. Yeah.

[John]

He's bald now, though. But the thing. It doesn't last forever, I'm pretty sure. I think you got to do like every.

[Chris Distefano]

And what do they do? What is it? What is it about Turkey that cheaper? That's all it is.

[John]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, no. Jimmy. Jimmy Carr.

[Vito]

Well, he's had a lot done, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. He's up. He's open about it. He likes getting the plastic surgery.

[John]

He still looks like a. Like a dummy, like, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Like not a dummy. You mean like a ventriloquist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Andre Agassi. I don't know. I think I would just embrace being bald, right? I mean, whatever people want to do, honestly, like whatever the they want to do. Who the hell. Who the hell knows? We're all different. We're all just bags of chemistry making different decisions.

[John]

Damn.

[Chris Distefano]

Damn, dude. MGK kind of looks like they. His hair like Young Gravy. Which, by the way, young Gravy. This here's. Here's the thing. I was texting with Young Gravy in Madison.

[John]

Mm.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, this was on here. Let's read. This was on. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Here we go. Texting with him in on November 23. He goes, hey, just rolling into town. My crew is going to be up for a bit, but not out. I said, all right, bro, let's hang out. I'm almost done with my shows. Still at Comedy on State. Where should we meet? He goes, all right, great. Grabbing food for my crew then not sure. I said, I'm done right now, man. Can meet you wherever he goes. All right, give me a second to drop the fellows off at the hotel. And then if you're still trying to get active after that, which. That made me laugh. We could find some shit. I said, absolutely. Trying to get active made me laugh hard. I'm using that. We're going to get some food too. Meet you wherever he goes. Going to tuck my boys in. Going to hit you up real quick. That was 12 days ago.

[John]

That was the last thing.

[Chris Distefano]

Is Young Gravy alive? I have not heard from him.

[Vito]

I gotta tuck my boys in. I like that.

[Chris Distefano]

I Love the way he speaks. Was making me laugh so hard. I really like the kid. And same with Matty Healy. Maddie Healy. Last text. I'm gonna come to your show. I'm coming to your show. My show was a month ago. I said, all right, just confirming you coming to my show. It's at 6:00pm he goes, Yep, all good. See you there. Never heard from him since. Damn, what can you do?

[Vito]

Where do you rank? Circle up and tuck my boys in.

[Chris Distefano]

Circle up from Mike Piazza I still think is number one. And then tuck my boys in is number two. But circle up, which I've yet to talk about on stage, but I will. Is. Is. Is fun. This girl is interesting, too. This. Go down a little bit. Go down. This girl on the. No, down, down, down, down. Oh, wait. Oh, no, not. Is it this one? This. Yes. Wedding twist. Missing photographer possibly caught up in scam Marriage before disappearance. This girl disappeared. Right. She never got on a flight. I think it was into jfk. And then her father, you know, like, everyone thought she was missing. Whatever. And then her father thought, like, something obviously horrible happened to her, and then he killed himself. He, like, jumped off a mountain in Hawaii. And then she. But now she's seen, like, crossing the border into Mexico. It's like a. This is like a wild story that, like. Yeah, they have now have footage of her and they don't know, like, where she is or, like, what she's doing.

[Vito]

Did you hear about the stowaway on the flight to France?

[Chris Distefano]

Did he survive?

[Vito]

It was a. It was a woman. I don't know if it was a guy or a girl, but they.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, she hid in the bathroom. Right?

[Vito]

She hid in the bathroom. And then she just kept going bathroom to bathroom when they were checking the flight logs. And then I think they didn't even figure it out until the plane, like, landed.

[Chris Distefano]

Wow. CC there. So someone could have easily been. But how can you even get on the plane without the ticket? That's the problem.

[Vito]

She got on without a ticket. Maybe she had a flight for. Maybe she bought a cheap flight and was like, oh, maybe I could just sneak on.

[John]

But she had to go through customs right when they landed.

[Vito]

When the plane landed, they said everybody has to stay still.

[Chris Distefano]

I would love to hear the story of how all this happened. Like, how did she actually get. Where is she? Let me see here. Oh, wow, look at that. There's a stowaway just on the back of a flight. Look at that.

[John]

I watched a YouTube video recently where somebody sewed away in the. The wheel well and It. And there's no, like, insulation in there.

[Chris Distefano]

So they died immediately.

[John]

Right now they, like, you know, like, had hypothermia and stuff like that.

[Chris Distefano]

But they died, right?

[John]

It was two guys. One guy fell out because of the suction when the plane was descending on the way down. And then apparently he survived, but, like, you know, frostbite and stuff. His fingers, because it's, you know, they're 30,000ft up.

[Chris Distefano]

And he survived. There was a guy that survived?

[John]

That's what the video said? Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That's nuts. You could even. I thought, you can't survive that because no oxygen up there.

[John]

Oh, that too. They said he, like, passed out because. Restricted oxygen.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I remember a story of a guy on. I was just picking my nose on camera. I remember a story of a guy on a JetBlue flight that was working for JetBlue, handling the baggage, and he put the bags. Like he had narcolepsy. So he put one of the bags in the back of the plane and then fell asleep, like, immediately. And then just got covered with more bags and the flight. And he survived the flight because the flight went from New York to Boston. So it only went 10,000ft in the air. So you could survive that. And he was. And then he woke up and came out of the undercarriage of the flight. And they were all, like, FBI agents there because they had. Didn't know what happened. And they handcuffed him in this whole thing. And then they explained everything and, of course, let him go. And then he sued JetBlue and one money. Damn. Yep. So what happens, Poppy?

[Vito]

Has Debo told you how mad he is at you for wearing Yankee stuff all the time now?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Vito]

Anytime I post a clip of you and Yankee stuff now, I get a DM that says this fraud in his Yankees.

[Chris Distefano]

I know, I know. His whole existence is baseball. That's. That's. That's who Debo is. Fucking baseball guy. They're in Fort Myers, Florida, right now having a great time. So, fellas, if you want to find Debo, he's on the beach right now in Fort Myers, Florida. I am so fucking hungry, and I can't eat for. I can't eat for another 23 hours.

[Vito]

Oh, it started already. I thought. Not till six.

[Chris Distefano]

That's when I start taking the tablets. That's when I start taking the tablets. But you can't eat.

[John]

Can you drink, like, a smoothie?

[Chris Distefano]

No, nothing. Only clear liquids. And you can have black coffee.

[John]

Could you drink your own pee? Because it's already inside you.

[Chris Distefano]

Can I drink my own pee? I don't. I don't know. It's a good question.

[John]

Drink your own pee.

[Chris Distefano]

You know what's crazy is I did this. I've never drank my own pee.

[Vito]

That was. Have you?

[John]

Maybe.

[Chris Distefano]

You drank your own pee?

[John]

Maybe.

[Vito]

Why?

[John]

An accident.

[Vito]

How do you.

[John]

Pretty bad. It's pretty. It's pretty embarrassing. But I was like, late. He's like, freshman year, I was sick. I was sick and I like in my dorm, the bathroom is like so far. It was like 300ft away. And I peed in a bottle. And then it was like one of those green 7Up bottles so you can see the color of the stuff inside. And I took a full swig with people over to while I was sick.

[Vito]

What? You left a piss bottle out when you had people over?

[John]

I forgot that it was pissed because I couldn't tell it was yellow inside.

[Chris Distefano]

Guys, please go to Christie comedy.com for all my stand updates. Phoenix, San Francisco. And I have to have a discussion with John Miami. Go see it patreon.com Christie comedy history hyenas is back dot com. Whatever you guys want, come see me at the Knicks games. I'm a new Knick City dancer.